Morphing personalities - what to do?

[rwyatt365]

In another thread (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) I mentioned that my wife had previously (5-6 years ago) tested as ENTJ, but that she seems quite different now. Well, last night we both re-tested and I came up solidly INTJ but she tested as ISFJ!! Given that outcome, I later found this (among other things) online where INTJ/ISFJ combinations are termed "Super-Ego partners";

If Super-Ego partners cannot find common interests, their interaction can become very formal. Partners normally think more about expressing their own point of view than listening to their partner. This expression comes from the confident side of one of the partners reaching the unconfident side of the other partner. The latter tries to defend themselves by projecting their confident points in return. Partners normally show interest and respect to each other if they do not know each other well enough. When partners start more close interaction, they start experiencing many problems.

Super-Ego partners may think that they understand each other well. However, when it comes to day to day matters or co-operative activity, partners start thinking that their partner is deliberately trying to do everything wrong. Super-Ego partners are not interested and do not make each other aware of their intentions. Therefore their actions may look exactly opposite to what was expected. Although the hope and the feeling between partners may remain as before, it does not prevent the conflicts penetrating their relationship.

When both partners are extroverts, one of them usually feels more unsatisfied with their position. The explanation for this is that they believe that the other partner does not pay as much attention to them as they should and are too occupied with their own matters. Between two introvert partners, one is always thinks about the other as being too obtrusive and clingy. In any case, friction usually begins when partners shift to a more close relationship.

…and I thought, "yep, that's us".

Have any of you been in a relationship (spouse/ friend/ acquaintance) where it seemed that the other person "changed"? You thought they were one way and then, after some period of time, they were different. How did you handle it, what did you do?

And, Rose (if you read this), this time I am asking for advice ;) !!

[The Rose]

Hey.
I hunted you down!
I couldn't wait to find out how it went!

My first reaction is wow, do I feel sorry for you.
You saw my rant, so you know I'm still bothered about how it all went down with that ISFJ friend.

When our friendship was good, it was the best relationship I have ever had.
She was my soulmate. She nurtured me like a gentle mother.
But she smothered me. She didn't know how to give me my space.
Her feelings were GOD and I was held hostage to them all the time.
In my opinion, she needed to learn to forgive and forget,
to not stack up the hurts one on top of the other.
My friend weighed over 350 pounds.
She would stuff her feelings and comfort herself with food.

You and your wife are an individual couple with different strengths and weaknesses.
Something attracted the two of you in the first place.
Try to restore that foundation.

I know an ISFJ man who is one of the greatest men in the world, in my opinion.
I respect and admire him. I think he's awesome. His kids are amazing.
He may have been married to an INTJ wife, or ISTJ wife. (She died from cancer last year.)

ISFJ people are really amazing people.

You and your wife can learn to find what works for your relationship.

About people changing:
from what I have read, people don't change who they fundamentally are,
not THAT drastically anyway.
I would much sooner find fault with the test, or the frame of mind of the testee at the time of the test.
Naomi L. Quenk in Beside Ourselves describes how we come to choose our preferences,
and they are not that changeable.

Yes, as we get older, if we are maturing properly, we can gain good use of our other inferior functions.

Now HERE'S a wrench thrown into the monkey works!:
It's possible your wife is "beside herself" NOW
and her inferior qualities are making themselves known,
and she truly IS an ENT(P/J) type!

Quick! Get Naomi's book right now! *:o

Hang in there. It's worth it.

[rwyatt365]

Thanks Rose. I'll find the book this evening.

[The Rose]

Hey.

Did you get the book yet?
Has it helped?
Or are you still trying to decipher it?
(I had to read it 3 different times before it started to make sense.)

[rwyatt365]

Hey.

Did you get the book yet?
Has it helped?
Or are you still trying to decipher it?
(I had to read it 3 different times before it started to make sense.)
Yes, I have the book. Still trying to digest it. Too many distractions lately to concentrate.

[chocky]

How long have you and your wife been together? Did she test ENTJ near the outset of your relationship?

I ask because I have a history of 'morphing' within a relationship. When I'm alone I'm happy and confident, but relationships used to totally change me. It was like a switch flipped and I becamea carbon copy of the only relationship role model I had. A bad one at that. In my self imposed role I would become miserable and totally not myself, acting the part I thought I had to. My personality changed and relationships that started well would turn nasty. Once on my own again I would restore my equilibrium self, what I consider the real me.

Is it possible your wife is experiencing something similar?

[The Rose]

That's a valid possibility.

They've been together for 12 years.

[rwyatt365]

How long have you and your wife been together? Did she test ENTJ near the outset of your relationship?

I ask because I have a history of 'morphing' within a relationship. When I'm alone I'm happy and confident, but relationships used to totally change me. It was like a switch flipped and I becamea carbon copy of *the only relationship role model I had. A bad one at that. In my self imposed role I would become miserable and totally not myself, acting the part I thought I had to. My personality changed and relationships that started well would turn nasty. Once on my own again I would restore my equilibrium self, what I consider the real me.

Is it possible your wife is experiencing something similar?
Yeah - 12 years together.

At first we were the "perfect couple" :lovestruck: , everyone wanted to be just like us. Then we had a series of "family challenges" (or what I call unnecessary drama) that strained everything. I think that capper was that I got laid off and was jobless for 18 months. When I finally got a new job, it was in a different city away from all family (her family).

I'm certain that all of that stress caused a "break" within her. Since then she's been a completely different person.

[OneBadMother]

I ask because I have a history of 'morphing' within a relationship. When I'm alone I'm happy and confident, but relationships used to totally change me. It was like a switch flipped and I becamea carbon copy of *the only relationship role model I had. A bad one at that. In my self imposed role I would become miserable and totally not myself, acting the part I thought I had to. My personality changed and relationships that started well would turn nasty. Once on my own again I would restore my equilibrium self, what I consider the real me.

Man, that sounds like me. Maybe it's because the pressure is on once you're in a relationship?

[rwyatt365]

I ask because I have a history of 'morphing' within a relationship. When I'm alone I'm happy and confident, but relationships used to totally change me. It was like a switch flipped and I becamea carbon copy of *the only relationship role model I had. A bad one at that. In my self imposed role I would become miserable and totally not myself, acting the part I thought I had to. My personality changed and relationships that started well would turn nasty. Once on my own again I would restore my equilibrium self, what I consider the real me.

Man, that sounds like me. Maybe it's because the pressure is on once you're in a relationship?
My theory (INTJs have theories? ;) ) is that most people hide what they feel to be incompatible, or unpopular traits during the initial phases of dating. As they (and if they) draw closer, more and more "bad stuff" is revealed. The rate of change is personality dependant (i.e. some change faster, some slower) and not necessarily constant.

A curious anomaly to this steady-state behavior is what you're describing OBM, I call it "tracking". That's when one or the other partner in the relationship mimics an alien behavior pattern – to their detriment. Whether it is a pattern learned from a previous relationship, or one gleaned from suggestions from the other partner, the effect is that you end up doing something that is "not you". You "track" that pattern until the inevitable crash-and-burn.

[The Rose]

...
My theory (INTJs have theories? ;) ) is that most people hide what they feel to be incompatible, or unpopular traits during the initial phases of dating. As they (and if they) draw closer, more and more "bad stuff" is revealed. The rate of change is personality dependant (i.e. some change faster, some slower) and not necessarily constant. ...
This is why I definitely believe in a long dating period before marriage. Wait till the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship is over, then you find out what you're really marrying.