trouble at work [Archive]

Elizabeth9999

10-18-2007, 09:05 PM

hi guys

this is my first post here and i'm glad i found you guys. i am having a bit of trouble at work i think. i don't know exactly what i do to make people perceive me as being weird and unsociable but i know they perceive me as this way. i am usually very quiet and i typically don't speak in groups. i don't want people to perceive me as unsociable and weird but there is nothing i know how i could change this. i try to be polite, but sometimes i hear something come out of my mouth and it's just weird. usually around people who are my "superiors" i am quiet; it's mainly around my equals that i will come and and say weird crap. ocassionally i think i have even offended some people. usually this occurs when for some reason i am hurt or my sensibilities are offended and i will just come out with a totally bitchy remark, and it's out of my mouth before i could even stop myself. i know some people have concluded i'm a bitch and they've had to be told by ohters that i mean well, i'm just a weirdo. also, i know that intj's are not supposed to be sensitive, but i think i kind of am. if someone says someting that bothers me,especially if it is critical about myself,i tend to overreact and as i previously mentioned say some rude remark.

on the one hand i think this is the other person's fault for making the critical remark, but on the other i suspect they made the critical remark because i am weird in the first place.

i know i shouldn't care about this stuff, and i try not to, but sometimes i just spend time thinking about it. i definitely don't wish i were "normal", because i like the way i am and there are things at work that i can do better than almost everyone else. still, i am very conscious of the fact that i am considered antisocial and a weirdo, and i surmise that people talk about me behind my back. and yes i am sensitive to this fact. perhaps not so much in the "poor me" sense, but in the "you are all such assholes" sense.

i guess to some extent i am also glad that i am stereotyped as a weirdo because at least i don't have to litsen to the bullshit that all the assholes talk about.

on the other hand i think it really could negatively be affecting my career development. i know there are one or two people who really don't like me, because of my personality. i don't know how to act towards these people -- should i suck up to them because they are my superior? should i just ignore them? my inclination is the latter because they tend to leave me alone, which i suppose i am grateful for. let them bother someone else who doesn't mind being bothered by them...

not to be totally negative in this post -- there are a lot of things that i love about being intj. it's just that i just came back from a work outing in which there was a lot of socialization involved and it's always in this arena that i feel most incompetent.

anyway, i just thought i would share. sorry that this post was all over the place. i don't really know what i expect/hope to get out of any replies. it is just kind of cathartic to share my experience thus far.

justthefacts

10-18-2007, 09:36 PM

You are not alone...you've just described me too! My solution is to smile and nod and try not to say too much. You haven't felt weird until you described one of your employees as "silent but deadly" at the company Christmas Party. *:-X Yes, I did do that. Who knows where the hell that came from, but 200+ people laughed their butts off for weeks. Sigh...

Anyway, sometimes we create our own problems by assuming that people think we are weird. As long as you say positive things, keep the negative stuff to yourself and smile alot you'll be ok. That's how I get by. I don't know if this has helped you at all, but at least you know someone else on the planet has the same stuff to deal with. Hang in there!

deicruxified

10-18-2007, 10:17 PM

i agree with justthefacts. i do sense some people who don't like me. i confirm then don't care unless they're trying to test my patience.

Elizabeth9999

10-18-2007, 10:30 PM

haha... that's pretty funny justthefacts :)

i guess i think you're right that the best i can do is just smile a lot... intjs are supposed to be "quick" and while i am usually "quick" in understanding a concept, i am really not that "quick" in coming up with appropriate/clever things to say in social situations. sometimes i can be appropriate/normal... other times i can't. it's really hit or miss and it's especially depending on whom i'm talking with -- do i feel comfortable or do i feel on the spot? i feel like a little bit of an idiot smiling so damn much, but i guess i need to in order to counteract the "unhappy bitch" impression i otherwise give off. i do think i have a chip on my shoulder from people thinking i'm weird, but that chip just makes things worse, i suppose.

justthefacts

10-18-2007, 10:44 PM

We are quick thinkers however, must process the info thoroughly before responding. If you don't wait long enough, weird thoughts start pouring out of your mouth! Ever say something unprofound and then come up with multiple quick-wittted and provocative things later that you should have said? That's where the smile and nod comes into play...gives you time to process your thoughts. You can always revisit the subject/conversation once you've had time to think about it. But if you say the first weird thing that pops into your head...you're toast! Hard to remember when under stress or when dealing with morons, but practice makes perfect! *:thumbsup:

Elizabeth9999

10-18-2007, 10:52 PM

Ever say something unprofound and then come up with multiple quick-wittted and provocative things later that you should have said?

Yes... :thumbsdown: as to the rest of your post... okay - makes sense. :)

deicruxified

10-18-2007, 11:15 PM

Ever say something unprofound and then come up with multiple quick-wittted and provocative things later that you should have said?
a lot of times... hahahah then i tried waiting for a witty punch line and was accused of being tactless and insensitive.

puzzlemethis

10-19-2007, 12:06 AM

r21left

10-19-2007, 12:46 PM

I run into this problem myself from time to time. I think it stems from a self-imposed expectation to conform to certain modes of behavior (e.g., being sociable, funny, quick-witted, laid-back, etc.). I think the antidote is knowing your preferred behavioral responses; rebutting the presumption that others expect you to be like them (e.g., outgoing, sociable, etc.); and realizing that there's a world of difference between being completely antisocial and being quiet and reserved, and that people will accomodate and tolerate a lot of different styles and presume good-faith until they run up against an anti-social person. The biggest problem is gaining perspective on the matter, which is difficult to do when we're the subjects of our inquiry.

also, i know that intj's are not supposed to be sensitive, but i think i kind of am. if someone says someting that bothers me,especially if it is critical about myself,i tend to overreact and as i previously mentioned say some rude remark.

I'm going to have to disagree here. Because of our tertiary Fi function, we're quite perceptive to subtle signs of rejections or abrupt and downward changes in behavior, and our dominant Ni function runs amok with the implications of the perceived rejection and behavioral changes, such that sometimes we make a mountain out of a molehill. In other words, we're quite hypersensitive to criticism and rejection that is personal in nature.

rwyatt365

10-19-2007, 01:08 PM

You are definitely not alone. 35 years in the workplace and I still haven't gotten it right. But as justthefacts said, the best thing is...
...to smile and nod and try not to say too much.
Or as I say, "Please engage brain before opening mouth".

Every morning, on the way to work, I apply my fake "work smile". It's the one that I flash to everyone, no matter how inane the conversation, or idiotic the remark I just show 'em my "work smile" and nod.

...Anyway, sometimes we create our own problems by assuming that people think we are weird. As long as you say positive things, keep the negative stuff to yourself and smile alot you'll be ok. That's how I get by. I don't know if this has helped you at all, but at least you know someone else on the planet has the same stuff to deal with. Hang in there!
Good stuff here too. Sharing negativity at work can be a sure career-killer. I thought that my intelligence and invaluable contributions to the company would allow me to speak my mind about things. I paid for that mistake by being laid-off twice, not because I was a poor employee but because I wasn't a "team player". Corporate America does not respect hard work and intelligence, it's all about who you can schmooze up to and how brown you want your nose to get.

Work on your "work smile", develop good connections, learn how to backstab and you'll make it! :thumbsup:

xtremegeek

10-22-2007, 06:04 AM

I'm an ISTJ who has had to manage a number of INTJs in the IT world. Here's my advice: if your boss is an ISTJ, you're in luck. He or she will be willing to help buffer you with the rest of the staff because your boss knows the value of the intellect you bring to the table. Talk to your boss about your perceived "weirdness." Smile more. Come up with really dumb questions to ask your co-workers first thing in the morning just to give the perception of being a conversationalist, then after a few minutes, say "well I've got to get to my desk and get some work done; sorry I have to bolt on you." Usually, I make comments in the morning about the lottery jack pot, or some sports game which I heard a blip about on my way to work. Good lukc!