I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game

[INTJane]

Oh my goodness, this conversation is so not making me want to go find a guy and go out dining.

Do you like planning your vacations?

[jonnyb]

Yes!, and with a world renown architect as well.

Why does appricot cider bubble all over the floor while fermenting?

[Srytka]

It's doing the happy dance.

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

[jkatra]

It marked the Caucasian checkbox on its ice cream application.

Why is getting a good job difficult sometimes?

[Srytka]

It's like looking for a unicorn.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[finraz]

It hasn't seen it's shadow yet.

Why can't I believe it's not butter?

[INTJane]

That is an age-old question, a question philosophers and the greatest minds have pondered yet not answered. Answer it and all the world shall be yours.

What is "hot butter flavor" at the movie theater?

[MikeAZ]

real butter.

Why can't they just be fair?

[venuspop]

They prefer to be dark.

Is that fair?

[aok]

All is fair with a ferris wheel.

What do insects think about?

[INTJane]

Improving their diplomacy skills.

What's behind door number two?

[zeroemission]

wait... what was behind door number one again?

[INTJane]

ZE's ability to follow the rules.

Do we need to go over the rules again? :whip:

[jkatra]

A true ruler will go over the rules for his subjects or else he is not a true ruler.

Did you leave the lights on?

[INTJane]

I have no lights in my house.

What's the best way to keep squirrels from scampering across the roof?

[Srytka]

Throw the cookies over the fence.

What happens when squirrels eat cookies?

[jkatra]

World peace.

Why should we trust you?

[Srytka]

Trust is a household myth used to coerce small children into good behavior.

Why so serious?

[INTJane]

I'm always dead serious, here especially.

How many large containers of peanut butter do you use per week?

[Srytka]

However many it takes to insulate my walls.

Why do I keep having to redo my insulation?

[DeepThought]

You aren't using enough duct tape.

Why is it necessary to use insulation anyway?

[Srytka]

It's a great way to hide the skeletons in the closet.

Why does the skeleton in the closet keep poking me?

[Sprelious]

It's male.

Is it wrong to have skeletons in the closet?

[Srytka]

Only if you never allow them to dance.

What am I allowed to do?

[Sprelious]

You can do whatever you want, as long as you don't dance.

Do you dance?

[Srytka]

Only if I'm in the closet and it's raining.

Who will dance with me?

[DeepThought]

The skeleton.

It's looking a little boney, don't you think it should see a doctor?

[Srytka]

Of course, but it refuses to acknowledge the problem and the intervention isn't until tomorrow.

Why won't the doctor make a house call?

[Distance]

Pfftt...doctors can barely hand write, nevermind using technologically advanced devices like telephones to connect with their patients.

Why do cars require intakes?

[Srytka]

Because they take more than they give.

Why would anyone drive a car?

[Distance]

:shrugs: Can't drive a snowball so why not a car?

Why is coffee addictive?

[Srytka]

Because caffeine is an essential nutrient.

What time does the three o'clock train leave?

[DeepThought]

Every other minute.

Where can I get a ticket?

[silvercrystal07]

Anywhere you speed.

Why does it rain?

[DeepThought]

Because the clouds are sad.

How can we cheer them up?

[silvercrystal07]

Hand them a tissue while the moon makes funny faces.

Why does the moon have phases?

[DeepThought]

It gets bored easily.

Were the moon landings faked?

[INTJane]

At least 10-15% of them definitely were.

Can lying ever be kind?

[DeepThought]

Only when the objective is to enrich yourself at the expense of others.

What is your objective?

[INTJane]

Perfection, same as you.

Who loves ya, Baby?

[DeepThought]

My pet cockroach.

Do you have any pets?

[INTJane]

Yes, a menagerie.

Who likes snug blue jeans?

[DeepThought]

I much prefer a snug, white straight jacket.

Do you ever feel like you are going crazy?

[INTJane]

Nope, I'm long gone. Come join me if you wish.

Will I ever feel "normal" again?

[DeepThought]

You are normal. It's the rest of the world that gone nuts.

What sort of nuts do you prefer?

[INTJane]

cashews

Is there a rating for pleasure, like a scale?

[DeepThought]

There's no such thing as pleasure.

What are feelings?

[INTJane]

Oh, I never have those and if I do, they are very shallow. However, I'm good at identifying them, sharing them, and having them match up with what my brain says. A+ for Jane in the feelings department!

Which cold soup do you like best?

[DeepThought]

Lava

Why is it so hot in here?

[INTJane]

I've heard that summer orgies in buildings with malfunctioning air-conditioning get that way. Why don't you take a break and go to the water cooler?

Are you older than dirt?

[MikeAZ]

Yes, I was here before dirt.

Will you always care for me?

[DeepThought]

Always.

How can I make my computer go faster?

[INTJane]

Whip it. Whip it good.

Is Devo devoted to anything?

[jonnyb]

Only to Danny Devito.

What's wrong with having holes in one's shoes?

[aok]

There is no such thing as a holy shoe.

If you are neither wrong, right, winning, or losing - what are you?

[jonnyb]

I'm actually ready for a beer right now.

What is so important about the last laugh?

[aok]

It's the introduction to silence.

Why is silence important?

[INTJane]

You will be showered in gold if silent long enough.

At what time will coaches turn into pumpkins?

[aok]

When Charlie Brown has Cinderella clicking her ruby slippers back to Kansas.

What is it that Arkan saw?

[INTJane]

A new jersey that Virginia bought in Maryland.

What were the names of The Three Stooges?

[aok]

Who, what, and where.

What was the phase television went through during the transition from black and white to color?

[INTJane]

Magic marker time

Do you speak pig latin?

[aok]

I sing backwards music.

What is Esperanto?

[INTJane]

The most successful and widely used language in the world.

How many declensions are there in Latin?

[aok]

2 - gaga and goo goo

Why do superheroes wear capes?

[INTJane]

Body image issues.

From which movie did Mario and Luigi come?

[aok]

They sprang as babies from the inevitable procreation as a result of Dirty Dancing.

What book is american football based on?

[INTJane]

Little House on the Prairie

What are you wearing?

[jonnyb]

Batman Underoos with my toolbelt.

Where are you going to be 2.498 minutes from now?

[INTJane]

In your neighborhood.

What time do you go to bed?

[aok]

When the dreams begin to hit my head.

When do you wake?

[jonnyb]

When there is pee having to exit the snake.

what colors comprise psychedelic?

[aok]

An untied die of paisley kissing parsley painting pillows shadowing didactal fractals for all practical concerns.

What does blue consist of?

[jonnyb]

Why, babies, of course.

How's the best way to get a baby to be quiet?

[aok]

Ecstacy.

How is a baby able to indicate psychic abilities?

[jonnyb]

It seems to only work for women, but they say 'Oh, Baby. Oh, Baby!' and then 9 months later, there's a baby. Quite psychic, I'd say.

Why does pregnancy last for 9 months?

[aok]

The same reason cats have 9 lives.

Why are dogs pets?

[CrudeHypothesis]

Because people like getting licked.

Why is pedophilia legal and accepted?

[aok]

Because Megan wasn't old enough to dictate laws, her law got discarded.

What religion does the government preach?

[Sprelious]

There is no spoon.

Why ride the cable, when you have an elevator?

[jkatra]

San Francisco natives are addicted to cable cars.

How do you entertain someone?

[Sprelious]

Ignore them completely.

What's wrong with Tom?

[jkatra]

Tom finally caught Jerry in a cat and mouse game, and now Tom is looking for new meaning in his life since the chase is over.

What can I buy with money?

[INTJane]

Love.

What is plaid?

[jkatra]

Plaid is a dance technique first introduced by the Japanese in 1947 and still sometimes practiced in European nightclubs.

Where can I buy a rooster?

[INTJane]

Your local 7-11.

What would you do with a rooster?

[jkatra]

I would put it into a public accounting job.

Why is this chicken burrito so good?

[CrudeHypothesis]

Because they mix dog food with paprica.

Why didn't hitler win?

[zeroemission]

self help DVDs hadn't been invented yet

what is an apologist?

[jkatra]

Someone who is addicted to dancing to Brazilian samba.

Can you make a noise like a duck?

[Sprelious]

I do make a whooshing sound.

What is life, according to Garp?

[jonnyb]

Playing waterlogged accordians in the rain.

What is the best cure for polydactyly?

[aok]

An extra brain implant.

What's best way to detect implants in oneself?

[Faux hawk]

An MRI?

What's the best way to stay emotionally grounded?

[Sprelious]

Steel cable.

What do you do with a rake?

[aok]

Combine with a spoon and knife and set it by plates at fancy restaurants.

Why do chickens see color better than humans?

[QuantumEnigma]

Unbeknownst to Jason Pollock, abstract painting was actually invented several centuries ago by chickens. Their superior sense of color has been evolutionarily fine-tuned to allow for the creation of increasingly fine chicken scratch art.

Can stick figures be considered minimalist art?

[jkatra]

Stick figures were long ago considered illegal by most states due to their unconstitutionality, and anyone caught with a stick figure faces up to a maximum term of 12 years in prison.

Why is jail a bad place to be?

[DeepThought]

Lousy room service.

What makes super models "super"? Do they have super powers?

[INTJane]

They are the ones who cleverly stuck their features to fit the golden mean by using copious amounts of super glue. Super smart!

What kind of trouble should we all stay out of today?

[DeepThought]

We should all avoid the kind of trouble that comes with receiving large sums of money.

Why is that so bad?

[jkatra]

Because it's difficult to mathematically work with large sums unless you have a powerful statistical software program, but the software licensing fees are usually very expensive.

How much does a hamburger cost?

[DeepThought]

One billion dollars.

Is that why I'm so hungry?

[IronSulfide]

No, it's the hole in your stomach.

Are brass knuckles a fashion faux pas?

[DeepThought]

While deemed fashionable by the purveyors of haute-couture, they've yet to catch on with the common man. This would seem like the perfect opportunity to become a trendsetter and spearhead acceptance of this accessory by the population at large

What should I eat for lunch today?

[IronSulfide]

Octopus tentacles.

Why am I afraid of octopi?

[jkatra]

Because hard working Americans have their jobs stolen from them by immigrating octopi.

Should we live in a cave?

[DeepThought]

Yes, you should live in a cave. Think of all that free air conditioning!

Can I have your house?

[INTJane]

Sure, here are my keys.

What is the meaning of this?!

[Sprelious]

16.

Do you see that?

[DeepThought]

No, I'm blind.

Where's my cane?

[Sprelious]

In the Sugar Field.

Was Kane really a citizen?

[DeepThought]

No, but I heard she enjoyed sliders.

Why do people enjoy those?

[Sprelious]

Lack of imagination.

Can you read my mind?

[DeepThought]

Yes, but all I'm getting are ones and zeros.

How can such simple things lead to more complex constructs?

[INTJane]

Uh...

Did you get my complex construct?

[DeepThought]

Yes, I read your mind.

Why do I now have a headache?

[INTJane]

That'll teach you.

What have you learned today?

---------- Post added 07-09-2012 at 07:39 PM ----------
Someone said: That's what happens when you tap into INTJane's deep dark thoughts.

Someone also said: What is she thinking about now?




I don't know.

Is IronSulfide witty?

[DeepThought]

IronSulfide is nothing more than a trained salamander.

Did you really just answer your own question?

[INTJane]

Yes, I answered my own question and not a certain delete-happy someone's.

What do salamanders do for fun?

[DeepThought]

I hear that badminton is one of their more popular sports.

What makes the minton bad?

[INTJane]

I have always wondered that. I think it's the lamb.

In a family of black sheep, does the one white sheep have a bad reputation?

[Sprelious]

Farmers with high boots give all sheep a bad reputation.

Who trained the Salamander?

[IronSulfide]

Dumbledore.

If a tree falls in the woods, does anyone care?

[Sprelious]

Yes, IronSulfide is very witty.

Why do trees fall?

[IronSulfide]

So that they can stand again; stronger and better for having overcome adversity.

Why is calculus so tangential?

[Sprelious]

Something has to be.

What is that over there?

[INTJane]

Just a four-top with Elvis, Hoffa, Tupac, and Anastasia.

Is handing out hundred dollar bills fun?

[Sprelious]

It's always good to go green.

How much is too much?

[INTJane]

Not enough is too much.

How does one spell SOS in Morse code?

[IronSulfide]

Zero.

Have you ever cut your eye with your fingernail by accident?

(Edit: Snaked)

[Sprelious]

First you cut three tomatoes into even slices ...

Where's the best place to get take out?

[IronSulfide]

Your neighbour's dumpster.

How do you pick a lock?

[Sprelious]

Size is important, but color is usually the deciding factor for me.

How do you pick a Zit?

[IronSulfide]

With a zitpick of course.

What does mazel tov really mean?

[Sprelious]

She's a hooker in the old country.

Why can't she just change her grip?

[IronSulfide]

Arthritis.

Why aren't prostitutes unionized?

[Sprelious]

They can't find a hall big enough for the meetings.

Do those things wear out?

[IronSulfide]

Yes, but that's what organ transplants are for.

Are you an organ donor?

[DeepThought]

No, you stole it. Now give it back!

What exactly did you take?

[IronSulfide]

Nothing you'll miss, so long as the other one doesn't fail.

How can you spot an organ thief?

[DeepThought]

They have a tail.

What sort of money will my kidney fetch?

[aok]

If I had a penny every time someone asked me that, I'd have another liver.

What makes someone a true liver?

[INTJane]

Breathing.

What is soft?

[aok]

Texture semi-visible/permeable to the hands.

What is a question?

[INTJane]

This is a question.

What is the dress code?

[aok]

Double knots around the tie pleating suitcase plaid infirmary.

What is etiquette?

[jonnyb]

A word thunk up on a drunken dare because there aren't very many words which utilize a q.

What are the 'q's in 'p's & 'q's?

[DeepThought]

quixotic

When is it no longer considered too early to have a drink?

[INTJane]

12:01 am. Show some restraint, man!

What happens when I ring this bell?

[DeepThought]

The world as you know it will end.

Why don't more bad things happen to bad people?

[INTJane]

Symmetric property.

Are game players more fun?

[DeepThought]

Only when fired from a cannon.

Should I change careers and become a professional human cannonball?

[INTJane]

Yes, then you wouldn't get headaches at all.

What temperature water is perfect for swimming?

[aok]

Ice Cube of NWA.

What is the best way to physically show off skills displaying entropy?

[INTJane]

One yawn for four minutes straight.

What is the most common type of birthmark?

[aok]

A butterfly on your lower back.

What is monarch programming?

[INTJane]

Brainwashing butterflies, very cruel.

Is b-ok, too?

[DeepThought]

B was killed in a horrible piano accident.

What about C?

[INTJane]

's he okay?

Is it safe to swim with sharks?

[aok]

^^C got minused by D, but may have an accomplished the desired F.
^As long as they've been provided with enough food and shelter to prevent another Jaws sequel.

What does for unlawful carnal knowledge mean?

[INTJane]

Oh, a lot in my state. :rolleyes:

What are words for?

[aok]

Reading between the lines so you can pay more attention to the blue here in the background.

What's the sequel to numbers?

[INTJane]

symbols

What does this *%^$)_&}<>'{:.}) mean?

[aok]

It's a way for illegal pseudo-aliens of demonic origins to creatively express themselves by showing their tag.

Why don't I tag/graffiti anymore?

[INTJane]

Your spray paint clogged and when you threw it in the incinerator, it exploded. You've felt guilty ever since and have vowed only to tag with paint brushes. Unfortunately, the cops are onto you and every time you leave in a painter's cap, they slowly trail behind in their car. You will do it one day, though! Maybe with scented markers.

Who is famous for having violet eyes?

[aok]

Barney

What ever happened to Barney?

[Faux hawk]

Carbon

What will be?

[DeepThought]

One more time.

Why was the Higgs Boson nicknamed the God Particle?

[Dung]

Pancakes will retaliate. Soon.

Are you trying to patronize the bartender?

[DeepThought]

Shhhhh! Can't you tell I'm trying to get a ride home?

What weapons will the pancakes be wielding?

[Faux hawk]

Knives.

When will it all be clear?

[jkatra]

About a couple years ago a man from Burma dressed in black told me everything I needed to know, and when he returns it will all be clear again.

Why do people talk so much?

[IronSulfide]

A cerebral parasite is to blame.

Why do some people wear their baseball caps backwards?

[Dung]

It's a dress code that signals they are retards.

What has become of the "Insult another poster" thread?

[IronSulfide]

It was moved to the Religion and Mythology subforum.

What is the distinction between religion and mythology?

[jkatra]

Religion drives an invisible jet and wears tight clothes and mythology drives a mystery machine and likes Scooby snacks.

Where can I find a professional shark hunter?

[aok]

The Swamp People, located on the History Channel.

What's the history of the present?

[Sprelious]

The time for that has passed.

Why didn't I shave today?

[jkatra]

It's because you obtained spiritual enlightenment, and you've transcended the need for days.

Where is the Sundance Film Festival?

[DeepThought]

What a silly question. :facepalm: It's on the surface of the Sun, of course!

Why are movie and TV celebrities call "stars"?

[aok]

Because they all get shot down by cameras, drugs, and/or divorces in the end.

What is Scientology?

[jkatra]

It's the scientific study of Paula Abdul's song "Vibeology".

Why do people sway to music?

[aok]

They need an alcoholic excuse for their disability in their inability to dance.

What ever happened to dancing at clubs?

[jkatra]

Dancing in clubs was completely destroyed in the War of 1812 by the Mexicans.

Are you Mexican?

[zeroemission]

i like the food, but not enough to convert

what do you do when it's too hot to cook?

[aok]

I TV dinner via torrent.

What will make you the most happy in 5 years?

[jkatra]

A talking banana.

Where is danger located?

[aok]

The educational system and the news.

What is herstory?

[jkatra]

It's a used baritone saxophone.

How much money can I borrow from you?

[aok]

More than purchasing 100 lottery tickets will get you.

Why don't more people live in a van down by the river?

[zeroemission]

^^ ever dressed like a french maid?

^ ever since chris farley's passing, the group hasn't been the same

ever dressed like a french maid?

[Fujimoto]

Sorry, this is the wrong support group. You want Maids Anonymous down the hall.

... Well, have you?

[INTJane]

No.

Have you ever worn a toga?

[Fujimoto]

If by "toga" you mean "pants", then no.

What article of clothing do you wear the most frequently?

[INTJane]

A bra.

What article of clothing do you wear least frequently?

[Fujimoto]

Underwear. Who needs that?!?

How do you greet strangers?

[INTJane]

I rub noses with them the first time we meet. The second time, I give them butterfly kisses. The third time, well, that's private.

If it sounds like wild animals are attacking the pool cage and house, should I step outside in my nightgown with a pillow to throw at them?

[Fujimoto]

No, you should stay inside where it's safe and just toss grenades out the window.

What's the deadliest weapon you own?

[INTJane]

a certain black bustier

What's the point of wearing sexy lingerie, anyway?

[Fujimoto]

To free up a few hangars for more clean laundry.

What can men do to be similarly attractive to women?

[INTJane]

Just wear a bow tie. That oughta do the trick.

If a man is only wearing a bow tie, does that count as formal or casual?

[DeepThought]

Definitely casual. That's all I wear when I'm servicing my car.

Why do my neighbors hate me?

[aok]

They hate what they don't know, they haven't met you.

Why is weird such a wide open stereotype?

[wrongjargon]

What a weird question. Weirdo.

Why am I so tired lately?

[Sprelious]

Probably your recent rotation.

Why eat an apple a day?

[DeepThought]

Because eating a raw slug each day would be disgusting.

What do you call the form of locomotion used by slugs?

[jkatra]

I call it hilarious.

How do you ride a motorcycle?

[wrongjargon]

Ask this guy:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 15 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

What is the most efficient type of transportation?

[jkatra]

A gopher.

When will the next bus arrive?

[Sprelious]

On the second Tuesday of next week.

Is there a method to this madness?

[MikeAZ]

Systematic corruption.

Why is bigger always better?

[Sprelious]

The treaty of Versailles

Who makes the best cheap plastic crap?

[jkatra]

Elton John.

Where is the best place to store your soul?

[Sprelious]

On the bottom of your shoe.

Why does dust accumulate everywhere?

[Faux hawk]

chinchilla's demand it.

Why does this cole slaw leave me cold?

[jkatra]

It knows you're involved in another long-term relationship and it has no love to give.

How are computers made?

[Sprelious]

With sugar and spice and everything nice.

How are cellphones made?

[DeepThought]

Styrofoam cups and lots and lots of string.

Can you hear me now?

[Faux hawk]

Certainly. You're crisp black type face on a slate background.

What sound does black and blue make to you?

[DeepThought]

Sound a lot like dark purple.

Is there enough time?

[Faux hawk]

No.

What should we do now, that we've run out the clock?

[DeepThought]

Party like it's 1999.

Did you bring the booze?

[Faux hawk]

Tons! I smoke them, or is that something else?

When do you give up?

[DeepThought]

They day they pried it from my cold, dead hands.

If you were a building, what kind of building would you be?

[thebrainpolice]

Sewage treatment plant.

Why can baseball players hit singles, doubles, and triples, but not quadruples?

[Faux hawk]

they can't count that high.

What do we do for?

[DeepThought]

^^ This was due to negotiations with the Quadriplegic Society who felt the word was too similar to their own.

^ We do nothing unless it's urgent then we just do that, but more.

What's is they name they've given to quadruples in baseball instead?

[aok]

Home run to homeless shelter of the streets.

What's the best underground city to visit?

[DeepThought]

I hear Hades is great this time of year.

Do you know how to get a free ticket there?

[Fujimoto]

You must ask very politely.

What actor/actress do you currently have a crush on?

[aok]

Bill O'Reilly

What politician pulls the most at your heart strings?

[DeepThought]

The one handing out the cash.

Who are you going to vote for?

[aok]

The color blue.

Why aren't more shoes using velcro?

[jkatra]

No one wants to anger the Germans and start another war.

Should we be playing the Spanish guitar right now?

[aok]

I don't see anyone with a sombrero.

Why do some antidepressants contain flourine?

[DeepThought]

To keep the conspiracy theorists in business.

Are aliens really visiting our world just to create interesting geometric patterns in our farm fields?