I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game

[reiven]

"how many inches tall is lars ulrich?"


what was the first filament used in a light bulb?

[Sprelious]

Mentos

Does plop, plop, fizz, fizz apply to Mentos?

[Moxiie]

Only in certain circumstances. Once every biennium, Mentos develop effervescent healing properties.

What is the hell was that??!

[reiven]

it was a devious S that supplanted your unsuspecting N.
(typo humor with a side of MBTI, haha.)


what would have happened if superman could only leap small buildings?

[Moxiie]

He'd be substantially less impressive for one and two, he'd likely be banned from the super friends

what best demonstrates je ne sais quoi?

[reiven]

parsnips roasting on an open fire;
jack russels nibbling at your nose
though... it's been dead, many times, isaac hayes
Rosh Hashanah á tu


where does that stuff come from??

[Moxiie]

It's hales from Southern Africa and is used sometimes to paint lines on roads for it's nighttime luminescence

Why??!! Why??!!!

[reiven]

because a t shirt with buttons would never sell.

why do i need a showroom?

[Moxiie]

You need a good space to show off your talent for metamorphosis into a showroom car

Seriously, who was that masked man?

[reiven]

well, it wasn't oj simpson, that's for sure.
when he tried on the mask, it was two sizes too small. besides, the masked man wore bruno magli's. who would wear them ugly assed shoes?!?!


where does yogurt come from?

[jkatra]

It comes from the subtle nuances inherent in each line of poetry.

Why are whales big?

[Moxiie]

One must first dissect the word "yogurt" - then we realize it's an acronym standing for You Only Go Under Random Things

What is the speed of life?

[jkatra]

63.

Why do you learn quantitative analysis?

[reiven]

there are several useful aspects; primarily laundry sorting techniques and coin / slot mechanics.
QA2 gets into permanent press cycles and sock pairing... but most people just take QA1.


why did the north win the war?

[QuantumEnigma]

Why because they are on top of course. Map makers are inherently biased to put the north above the south.

What does one do with peeled taro root?

[reiven]

play cards / tell the future.


which fabrics can you see when using fiberoptics?

[Fujimoto]

Quantum space-time fabric.

What was the first great invention in human history?

[reiven]

the etch-a-scketch



what is the difference between celsius and fahrenheit?

[Fujimoto]

One is just the generic store brand, costs half as much but does the same thing.

Why do some people put giant spoilers on their cars?

[reiven]

spoilers protect the finish from ultraviolet sun-rays.
the bigger the spoiler, the less repainting necessary.


why is there not a viable third party in america?

[aok]

A battle doesn't work as well when there are more than two parties, hence the dichotomy continues, relegating us to a party that never was much of a party I'd want to attend.

What is the Federal Reserve reserving for you?

[QuantumEnigma]

It is the central booking site for making reservations at banks, duh.

What makes the etch-a-sketch a great invention?

[reiven]

i have asked my etch-a-sketch six questions, and each time i turned over my etch-a-sketch, i was given an insightful answer. i can't explain it... it just works.


what is the reasoning behind edible undies?

[aok]

It helps alleviate crabs, lice, and/or other parasites through consumption when eaten off a human.

What is Victoria's Secret?

[reiven]

she's a man, man.


why is candy apple red the preferred color for antique cars?

[aok]

It's to disguise the fact they may be rotten to the core with rust in the process of becoming antique.

Why don't people pay high amounts of money for antique rust by the gram?

[reiven]

synthetic rust is cheaper and much more accessible.
*no iron was harmed in the making of this post.


what causes the rumbling sounds when i'm hungry?

[aok]

The digestive system consuming itself from lack of material to digest causing random imploding rumbles.

How was dessert invented?

[jkatra]

Someone was still hungry but they accidentally ordered an apple pie instead of a hamburger.

What is metaphysics?

[aok]

It's the study of physics that transcends angles, gravity, and friction.

What's the most fun thing in existence?

[Fujimoto]

Eating Reese's Puffs for breakfast.

What's the least fun thing in existence?

[aok]

Watching a musical.

Who is the true American Idol?

[jkatra]

Bob Barker.

How is your life like a gameshow?

[aok]

We're playing to win a Pat Sajak or Alex Trebek.

What is a Spock rocker?

[jkatra]

A highly logical rock n' roll superstar.

What chemicals are in the atmosphere?

[aok]

Flouride

Does the atmosphere clean our teeth?

[Fujimoto]

Not if it's filled with brownies.

Why do people decide to become dentists?

[aok]

It's the easiest way to be a doctor.

What's the latest in new?

[jkatra]

Nothing new happens in the timeless nature of reality.

What time is it?

[aok]

The time is was.

What is the future's present opened?

[jkatra]

You don't have a future since you use drugs. Sorry.

Why are there so many drug users?

[reiven]

drugs expand the lifespan of all users and their progeny, who are born predisposed to drug use. due to their expanded lifespan, there are simply more of them.

what draws someone to being a hobo?

[IronSulfide]

Life in suburbia.

What draws someone to become a sports anchor?

[GenessorDios]

Usually a bored university student during lectures.

If two people are in love, which one wins?

[aok]

The one that comes from the middle of the two, the baby.

What is justice?

[GenessorDios]

Not for the desert-parched traveler, surely. They'd dehydrate before getting quenched.

What is fame?

[aok]

Fame is being employed by the paparazzi.

What is an extrovert?

[GenessorDios]

It's when someone gets too greedy and takes too many verts.

Why can't I punch steam into hydrogen & oxygen?

[jkatra]

You haven't worked out at the gym for years.

Why is there so much hydrogen in the universe?

[GenessorDios]

Sun farts. Those bastards have no social etiquette.

What's the biggest insect?

[momorawr]

That would be the manta ray.

Why $1 bills?

[GenessorDios]

Ducks are cheapskates.

Do you sit?

[jkatra]

I sit, therefore I am.

Who are you?

[reiven]

i'm not sure.
i woke up in a soho doorway; a policeman knew my name.

who's taking care of business?

[Espadrille]

i'm not sure.
i woke up in a soho doorway; a policeman knew my name.

who's taking care of business?

The Harvard School of Business.

What's an MBA?

[jkatra]

It's an optical illusion created by the placement of mirrors.

What do you learn in college?

[reiven]

i learned that MBA was the new STFU, it stands for Mind your own Business, Asshole

how can you make money with the urban dictionary?

[jkatra]

Tear pages out of it and re-label those pages with dollar signs and dollar artwork.

How do you become a gangster?

[reiven]

it's all in the clothes.
if you look like a badass, people always assume you are.


why do fingernails curl when they get out to a comfortable length?

[jkatra]

The International Curling Society has determined fingernails need to curl based on their 2011 recommendations. You obviously didn't take the time to read even the two-paragraph executive summary of the report.

How long is a paragraph?

[reiven]

without knowing the content of each graph, there is no way to know the length of any two of them... much less some hypothetical random pairing.
i'm laying on a board so your question is irrelevant.

why is the thought of a bear wearing skin-tight black leather so appealing?

[Moxiie]

Well that's pretty obvious, if one knows the vernacular definition of "bear" - which is a fairly masculine very burly and hairy gay man, who regularly wears black leather.

Turtles, why the shells? What are they really trying to protect?

[jkatra]

You're just at the tip of the iceberg regarding the turtle shell conspiracy... the trail of involvement goes all the way to the President.

Where is the President right now?

[IronSulfide]

^ In an underground bunker entering the nuclear launch codes.

What is the nuclear launch code?

[Moxiie]

x7u89km>9<lp295&%798pwo {repeat in vice versa sequence 3x)

sssshhhhh. if you tell anyone, the secret service will be at your door in 2min flat

How much wood can a woodchuck actually chuck?

[Dysthe]

More than Paul Bunyan could ever cut.

How does a can opener work?

[jkatra]

It opens a kind of trans-dimensional atemporal vortex that essentially bypasses what we currently consider to be the fabric of reality.

Do you use fabric softener?

[reiven]

yes. it extends the volume and shelf-life of milk, as well as a handful of other dairy products.


what's the difference between a beaver and a woodchuck?

[GenessorDios]

Not very much, they're both pretty useless.

Do we need 'em?

[jkatra]

We need electromagnetism now more than ever before.

What is gravity?

[aok]

It's a made up law to prevent you from flying around.

What is a panic attack?

[jkatra]

It's the next round of assaults that the enemy has launched to get past the fortifications.

What makes someone your enemy?

[GenessorDios]

For me personally, throwing acid in someone's face will do it, so... pretty much everyone I've ever met, or who's had the misfortune of falling asleep in my vicinity.

How many kettles would it take to boil the ocean?

[Fujimoto]

One, but it needs to be a very small ocean.

If the ocean was made of chocolate milk, what would the impact be on starving nations?

[GenessorDios]

I think they'd be happier. The flies would develop canines and ravage them so they'd all be wiped off the planet. Well, at least their death would be sweet.

Where does one buy black market kneecaps?

[Fujimoto]

You can find them in the knee grow shops.

Wouldn't a car junkyard work better for your needs?

[Sprelious]

But, I need socks.

If Capri Pants are fashionable, why aren't my high water jeans the height of fashion?

[jkatra]

Because you exist outside of the space-time continuum.

Where is Atlanta, Georgia?

[Gerard91]

It's under your bed.

Do you believe in ghosts?

[jkatra]

I believe in hosts, and if there are Type G hosts, then I guess I believe in them too.

What is the average velocity of a typical ghost?

[Fujimoto]

What do you mean, African or European?

What is cinnamon?

[aok]

It's a nice spice for people that don't like spicy.

When is the future?

[GenessorDios]

Over there.

Which part of the kidney is the sluttiest?

[jkatra]

Why do you want to know, eh?

Is sex fun?

[GenessorDios]

Not with you, it isn't. Everyone should just avoid you completely.

I want you all to myself. :flirt:
Are there more right legs or left legs in the human world?

[jkatra]

I don't visit the human world much so I have little feedback to offer you. I mostly inhabit the mystical flying panda in the 4th dimension reality.

Why aren't pandas enrolled more frequently in engineering schools?

[GenessorDios]

Probably because they have wadded up little balls of non-people inhabiting their bodies, causing extreme flatulence and an inability to stay grounded long enough to study.

Are you comfortable?

[jkatra]

You've mistaken me for someone else. I'm jkatra.

Where is the nearest Mexican restaurant?

[GenessorDios]

Well, there's always your neighbor's toilet bowl, but technically he produces international cuisine there.

Is your soul mine?

[jkatra]

I own a copper mine but no soul mine.

What typically happens on Wednesdays?

[Gerard91]

Typically Wednesdays are the deadliest days for flies.

How do you know if someone is gay?

[Artio]

If a guy responses positively to my feather boa on a dance floor, he probably greets gaily other kind of snakes too.

What happened to Marie Antoinette's head?

[jkatra]

It was given tenure as a professor of history at the University of Colorado.

What is tenure?

[Gerard91]

After braking tenure into pieces we get: "ten" "u" "re". After fixing it and changing order we get "You are ten (years old?)".

Is spitting into the soup / drink by waiter a common practice or just a legend?

[Fujimoto]

It's standard practice. "Soup" is actually flavored waiter spit.

What's the best way to not have your food spit in at a restaurant?

[jkatra]

Become a waiter.

What is the origin of the word noon?

[Fujimoto]

It was a result of someone reading uoou upside down and thinking it was too funny to pass up.

How are street names decided?

[jkatra]

Councils determine policy and make other decisions at street naming council meetings on an ongoing basis. Policies and budgets endorsed by the council provide a framework for the provision of services and programs and for day-to-day operational decision-making regarding street names. Provided a quorum is present, a decision is made by the votes of the majority of those councillors present at a meeting.

Why are meetings needed?

[Dysthe]

Employees work for free doughnuts.

How do I maintain my nails?

[Moxiie]

there are an array of nail maintenance shops to be found across the country, primarily located near or next door to hammer shops.

what are uses for 10lb hammers?

[Fujimoto]

To maintain 10lb nails.

Who would wear such accoutrements?

[jkatra]

I would, I have, and I always will.

What is a paradox?

[GenessorDios]

A quacking couple.

Who invented toast bread?

[Dysthe]

The butter makers.

Why do people have jowls?

[GenessorDios]

Early man petitioned god to be like Mexican wolves and they got it.

Do feet like to get wet?

[gracious]

Yes, but not as much as inches do.

Is life cyclical?

[venuspop]

My cat thought so and she should know. She went through it 9 X 9 times.

What is the oldest calculator in the world?

[jkatra]

Inside the Earth's core there are no calculators because the heat melts them; it's recommended never to do complicated calculations in the world.

What is the definition of hot?

[venuspop]

Hot is the past tense of heat, which causes a person to sweat profusely. This condition is triggered by the sight of scantily dressed and sometimes undressed dessert.

How do you like your dessert to be dressed?

[QuantumEnigma]

With sprinkles and a sprig of mint on the side.

Do you often undress your dessert?

[Simurgh]

Only when the weather permits.

Where is the off switch for the sun?

[venuspop]

Inside its core and you need a device driver to access it.

Will the device driver melt under all that heat?

[jkatra]

No, device drivers are very strong and could easily beat you and I up in a dark alley if they wanted to.

What would we do in a dark alley?

[venuspop]

We can blend into the back alley.

Will we blend well?

[QuantumEnigma]

No, perversely although humans are all around 70% water they are immiscible with each other.

What does blend well?

[jkatra]

A wishing well.

What do you wish for?

[venuspop]

INTJs blend well. They have been known to blend into walls, bushes and all things immovable.


*snaked*



What do you wish for?

I wish you hadn't snaked me when you did.

Does this offend you?

[Sprelious]

The best offense is a good defense.

Who was the greatest coach of all time?

[GenessorDios]

The oft-overlooked life coach who guided Jesus through his troubled teen years rarely receives recognition.

Are snail races exciting?

[Sprelious]

Yes, especially in the Modifieds.

What comes after five?

[venuspop]

The missus.

Why?

[Fujimoto]

Because she's waiting to have six.

How much of a dirty side does Venuspop have?

[venuspop]

They say dirty is only skin deep.

Do you have a thick skin?

[jkatra]

I have a thick skeleton.

Is Venuspop awesome?

[venuspop]

I can't compare.

What about you?

[Fujimoto]

I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I have many leatherbound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

What does your apartment smell like?

[Moxiie]

Scotchy scotch scotch

was drinking milk that day a bad idea?

[jkatra]

Ideas are always bad, so yes.

What is the nature of consciousness?

[Fujimoto]

The chicken was conscious before the egg. The chicken wins.

Why don't brooms have bristles on both ends?

[jkatra]

There is a fundamental flaw with the broom algorithm that has been ironically swept under the rug.

How many rugs do you own?

[Fujimoto]

I haven't checked my vast empire of stock holdings in some time. It could number in the trillions.

Why do we call them "welcome mats" when most of them don't say anything at all?

[Moxiie]

It can only be seen by the trained eye. Most welcome mats are saying it in sign language.

why is good whiskey so delicious?

[jkatra]

^^They always say welcome, except for the ones you look at where the owners quickly remove the word.

^Because you're drunk.

Is there justice in society?

[Moxiie]

The occurrence of the name "Justice" in our society ranks at about 1 in 1000 at this juncture in history, statistically that means there are 100's of thousands of justices in this society.

Why do arms get so sore after the "gun show"?

[Fujimoto]

Arms? Well why doesn't anyone ever talk about the LEGS, huh? We're down here doing all the work, you know!

If any part of your body could talk, which part would you want it to be, and what would it say?

[Moxiie]

my feet and they would scold the neck for thinking that it is doing all the work.

what is the true meaning of life?

[Fujimoto]

42.

But what was the question?

[Sprelious]

Your call can not be completed as dialed. If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again.

When phones go the way of the Dinosaur, what happens to the pre-recorded messages?

[GenessorDios]

They'll probably learn a different martial art, maybe the Way of the Coelacanth.

Who are you?

[Sprelious]

Only the Shadow knows.

What are making if you knit one and pearl two?

[GenessorDios]

A fool of yourself. Everyone knows you should never put pearls before twine.

Is it preferable to iddqd or idkfa?

[venuspop]

It depends on how you're wired.

Should I cut the red wire or the blue?

[jkatra]

Do what your heart tells you.

Who likes the color pink?

[Dysthe]

Panthers like the color pink.

Do seamen get scurvy?

[Fujimoto]

I'd hope not. Mixing it with orange juice would probably burn.

If they ever found out lightning has a lot of vitamins, would you hide from it or not?

[jkatra]

I run away from anything bright and/or shiny.

What did you do last night?

[IronSulfide]

Fled from the police.

What did I do last summer?

[Dysthe]

Ended every sentence with the line, "For shizzle my nizzle."

What will I be doing tomorrow?

[Fujimoto]

Trying to disprove "once you pop, you just can't stop!"

Why do the dishes keep piling up?

[jkatra]

You are a compulsive dish buyer - seek immediate psychiatric counseling.

Where is the nearest psychiatrist in your area?

[Fujimoto]

She's right here with me in bed. Dr. whatshername, I can't remember.

What would you recommend as a cure-all for any psychiatric disorder?

[jkatra]

Cucumbers.

Who is happy right now?

[gracious]

That bastard.

Do you think I need too many groceries to walk home with them?

[jkatra]

You need to run, then you'll be fine.

Where should you run to?

[Simurgh]

Preferably to the center of the road.

Is discourse analysis overrated?

[jkatra]

No, since no one rated it yet.

How do you get an A in math?

[Dysthe]

"M" "T" and "H" feel lonely. Capslock sets the mood.

Which Disney Princess are you?

[jkatra]

I'm Mr. Spock of Vulcan.

What is social networking?

[aok]

It's a desperate attempt to keep yourself from being being shut out from the functioning in society by talking to people who have money in the hopes that some of it will trickle to you.

How can a decision ever be totally unanimous?

[venuspop]

When the question is ... "to die, or not to die."

Why is it always better to live?

[jkatra]

Because there is an Arby's restaurant somewhere near you.

How do you swim?

[venuspop]

... with the tide.

Will the tide wait for you?

[jkatra]

Nothing waits for me.

What causes the tide to turn?

[venuspop]

The fat lady running towards it and hollering "It ain't over till the fat lady sinks!"

Will the fat lady sink in low tide?

[jkatra]

The fat lady isn't fat, so yes.

Should I ask the fat lady to marry me?

[venuspop]

Only if you're fat too.

Are you fat too?

[jkatra]

I am quite a handsome, athletic devil.

Is the fat lady singing?

[venuspop]

You should be paying attention.

Is it over?

[jkatra]

It isn't over until the fat lady becomes fat.

How fat is fat?

[venuspop]

Anyone fatter than me is fat.

Am I a good yardstick?

[jkatra]

You are a good scientific measuring device.

What is science?

[Dysthe]

The study of invisible faeries.
Should I kick the cat out of bed?

[jkatra]

Kick the bed out of the cat.

What is a cat?

[venuspop]

You must never call my mother a fat cat.

May I call your Dad a fat cat?

[jkatra]

Yes, you may call him nasty names too.

Where are the fat rats?

[Espadrille]

In the stew.

Where is the rat race?

[venuspop]

The fat rats are all inside the fat cats.

Can you ever rat a cat?

[jkatra]

I'm confused now.

Will you be confused later?

[venuspop]

Okay.

How much later?

[jkatra]

10 billion years. Be patient.

Are you patient?

[venuspop]

I am always asked to be.

To be or not to be?

[jkatra]

That is the answer.

Should we question answers?

[venuspop]

Why? What did it do this time?

Can we discuss damage control?

[jkatra]

We can discuss Switzerland and the socio-political ramifications of its policies.

Should we discuss something fun instead?

[venuspop]

No. Let's stick with serious.

Can you explain to me the usefulness of a graduated polarizing filter?

[Sprelious]

Well it graduated, so it must be smart. It's polarized, so it must be in Congress. It filters, so it makes coffee. It's all that and a cup of coffee.

How come no one ever eats Spaghetti in Spaghetti Westerns?

[Atamagahen]

Because they can only eat animals that they shoot.

Why is it that, educational facilities look down upon and dismiss much creativity as being "naive" when it really is just another form of intelligence?

[Sprelious]

You have fit in the round hole.

Is there a discount on free?

[aok]

Yes, getting paid.

What does it mean to get laid?

[jkatra]

It doesn't mean anything which makes it boring.

When is Christmas?

[Atamagahen]

I think it's like, in October or something.

Are you a wizard?

[Dysthe]

I'm a sorcerer.
What is a vortex?

[Fujimoto]

It's a really cool way to suck.

If someone punched your avatar's face, what sound would it make?

[jkatra]

Shhhhhzzzzzbbrrrpppp!!

Where are you?

[Gerard91]

In another universe as a matter of fact.

What is a good substitute of being in relationship (besides FAP)?

[jkatra]

A good substitute is someone who always wanted to be a substitute instead of a real teacher.

Did you learn anything in school?

[reiven]

everything i needed to know to corner the silver market, i learned in kindergarden.

how do carrots help my eyes?

[thebrainpolice]

Pressing the tip of a carrot against the eye reshapes the retina which increases visual acuity. Using other pointy objects like nails and knives has a similar effect.

If you are what you eat, why don't people resort to cannibalism?

[jkatra]

Because I already ate those people.

Where are happy people located?

[gracious]

As usual, they did not invite me so check everywhere that I am not.

What one thing could make you happy?

[jkatra]

A small talkative turtle named Leroy.

Do you believe in magic?

[Fujimoto]

I did, until I had an unlucky streak where I never got any good rare cards in the booster packs.

What colors do most INTJs prefer?

[jkatra]

Black, which is the absence of color, or white, which is all colors.

Why are black cats bad luck?

[discontinuous]

Because you can't even see them after peeking in Schrodinger's box. Total waste of science.

What do physicists eat to conserve energy?

[jkatra]

Physicists eat energy to conserve energy, which is part of the natural, cyclical rhythms of life.

How do you know if your biological clock is ticking?

[Atamagahen]

I listen and observe it carefully. Sometimes it takes a few taps to keep it from being stuck.

Who was phone?

[Moxiie]

Phone was a tragic, relatively unknown figure in Greek mythology who is little known for mistaking her reflection in swamp water for Zeus beckoning her and drowned facedown in the muck.

Unicorns - what are they really?

[reiven]

horny horses.

what causes libido?

[Moxiie]

One must first break down the word in it's original dialect, Chinese Li (head) Bi (heart) Do (the act of love) - what you get is sex drive

Why is autoerotica preferable for some people?

[reiven]

because automation IS progress; ergo anything with a battery is preferred.

why do people wear makeup?

[Gerard91]

Because they want to look uglier than they are.

Is it worthy to start anything?

[aok]

Its more worthy to start anything than to start nothing.

Why does Shiva have 2, 4, or 6 arms, depending on the artist?

[Dysthe]

Artists have double vision.

Why do cuttlefish change color?

[Fujimoto]

Because they couldn't possibly be caught in last season's fashion.

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[jkatra]

If by "anyone" you're referring to Patrick Swayze, then the answer is definitely.

How do I find the right neighborhood to live in?

[Gerard91]

You should check their gardens. If you find 20 or more corpses it's probably not the right place for you.

What is the best way to get motivation?

[jkatra]

Go down to the corner of 5th Ave and Lincoln, turn right at the intersection, go into Eddie's liquor store and give Eddie a small ceramic frog. He'll motivate you.

How do you learn how to be an artist?

[Gerard91]

You learn how to make colorful pictures of city like your avatar. Modern art needs nothing more.

Why do ENFJs think that INFJs are evil?

[Fujimoto]

Because INFJs have little green stars on their bellies, whereas ENFJs have none.

Do INTPs have larger P-nesses than INTJs?

[reiven]

uhhhh, yeah.

what facial hair should be worn by the man in the moon?

[Cepheid]

The only facial hair acceptable is the neckerstache. It's 5 parts Abraham Lincoln, 1 part Muhammad Ali.

Where have all the good times coalesced into a singularity?

[QuantumEnigma]

Try looking on the other side of a black hole. . . carefully.

For those places in the middle of nowhere, what is on the edge of somewhere?

[Fujimoto]

You need at least one Starbucks. Then you've made it to the big times.

There are many horses with no name. How did they know which one to sing about?

[jkatra]

Charlie the horse directed them to the right horse.

Why can't horses fly?

[Grave]

Because their creator was a zebra and boy was he racist.

What are the connections between cats and dinosaurs?

[Gerard91]

People love both cats and dinosaurs.

What is the best way to deal with imaginary lover?

[reiven]

take them to an Atlanta Rhythm Section concert.

what ever happened to Pure Prairie League?

[jkatra]

They're still with us as long as we remember them; unfortunately no one remembers them.

How is bubble gum made?

[reiven]

a dairy cow was chewing on a guar gum tree, and swallowed some. the next day there were three little pink piles of, well....processed gumtree byproduct. the cow's owner was a WW2 vet named bazooka joe. joe hated his in-laws, so he scooped up some of the pink stuff and wrapped it in a pice of the sunday comic strips, and later offered it up as a treat to his wife's family.
the taste was horrible, but the bubble blowing aspect appealed to his father-in-law, a certain Mr. Wriggly Spearmint.

why don't we make winter clothes from fiberglass?

[thebrainpolice]

Asbestos insulates better.

How can I prevent forest fires?

[GenessorDios]

Simple and obvious answer: kill all the forests. They can only be individually garrotted though, so you better get to work.

Since I'm not responsible for my own actions, whom should I blame for getting only three hours of sleep tonight before work?

[reiven]

calica.


what is the sticky stuff on the back of duct tape?

[jkatra]

Pure joy.

What is anger?

[reiven]

it is an emotional state just past ambivalent; you could almost describe it as blissfully content


what happens when you stop smoking cigarettes?

[Simurgh]

Oil prices drop globally while the price of gold fluctuates.

What is the true definition of evil?

[reiven]

working harder to earn a profit.

what is the second best use for a clothes iron?

[Reizu]

Getting rid of acne.

What is the best way to win a bet?

[reiven]

take your opponents pet as hostage, and send him severed paws if it appears you are about to lose. (not from your opponents actual pet; that would be cruel. send severed paws from adopted shelter-animals)

why do middle-aged-crazy-men always want a red sportscar?

[Reizu]

To depict how level-headed and intelligent they are.

What would be the best way to go about communicating with extraterrestrial life?

[reiven]

smoke signals.
be sure to avoid orange smoke; everyone knows aliens are sepia-blind.


how can i learn to use nunchucks?

[Reizu]

Grabbing a pair and jumping into the largest professional ninja fight you can find. Make sure they're the thick heavy ones, or else it won't work.

What is the meaning of life?

[reiven]

everything you will ever need to know can be found in the songs of elvis costello.
in the words of the prophet, what's so funny about peace, love and understanding?


why don't record companies produce 45 rpm records anymore?

[Reizu]

Because they sell out so fast, there's no way to keep up with the demand.

Why won't Rick Astley ever give you up?

[reiven]

it goes back to an arm wrestling match in 1984. i had already downed 3 mountain dews and a warm dr. pepper; i was practically vibrating. 3 seconds later, his tibia was broken.

he never got over it. he was in a cast for 5 months, and rehab for a year and a half; treated with anabolic steroids... you know the drill. i had to move away from virginia, because he would come into my place of business asking for a rematch. he followed me to des moines. i moved to omaha and changed my name; he contracted the National Arm Wrestling Federation to do an exhibition in nebraska. he is relentless.

i've had three sex changes, and still, i have to hide.


how did dinosaurs turn into petroleum?

[Reizu]

They ate too much magic beans.

Why do monkeys like bananas?

[reiven]

bananas have a boomerang shape that means even if the banana fails as a weapon, the monkey will still have dinner, if they survive battle with the other monkeys.


what is schnitzel?

[Reizu]

The race of alien overlords currently plotting the downfall of the human race.

What is purple?

[Dysthe]

A burping Urkel.
Are there curtains which entirely keep out the light?

[reiven]

^yes


^^purple is an amalgamation of black and white, similar to gray.
no wait, that is gray.

purple is a texture used for removing paint from car fenders, similar to sand paper.
shit... that is sand paper.

i'm really not sure what purple is.


what is purple?

[GenessorDios]

1/3 of grape drink.

Who wins most bets?