View Full Version : I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game
03-22-2012, 05:53 PM
the are a hybrid offspring from giraffes and satan.
why are cats so fucking evil?
03-22-2012, 05:57 PM
Because you're so incredibly good, and it creates a very sharp contrast.
What is your favorite color?
03-22-2012, 06:09 PM
Where do cats come from?
Isn't it from their penises?
03-22-2012, 07:30 PM
no, it's not.
what causes a pimple?
03-22-2012, 09:18 PM
What causes impure thoughts?
03-22-2012, 10:38 PM
Running out of soap.
What does soap do?
03-23-2012, 02:39 AM
soap is a bio-catalyst. applying soap to the skin prompts hair growth; that is why bald guys usually smell so bad.
what are the 4 extra keys for, on my keyring?
03-23-2012, 10:48 AM
Key to hell, spare key to hell, old bike lock, daughter's chastity belt.
Is there a correlation between shitty bosses and their lack of sex?
True, sometimes there is a negative correlation.
What makes correlation always equal causation?
03-23-2012, 11:16 AM
Drunk statistics teachers.
How do you calculate the median of a sample?
03-23-2012, 11:20 AM
Where does dust come from?
03-23-2012, 11:22 AM
Where is Dustland?
03-23-2012, 04:58 PM
just north of Mundanity
why are ceilings textured?
To clothe houses for when they go outside or to the mall to buy more textures to be seen in the outside or the mall.
What's the price of pleasure?
03-23-2012, 05:39 PM
how do i know you aren't a cop? :suspicious:
what is a comfortable volume for music?
03-23-2012, 05:45 PM
No sound at all...
What can make a monkey happy?
A dog barking up the wrong tree.
What makes a puppet independent?
03-23-2012, 05:47 PM
shove a living snake up it's ass.
what is dystrophic?
03-23-2012, 06:01 PM
A small flightless bird.
Why is a skunk also called a pole cat?
03-23-2012, 06:06 PM
they are prevalent in arctic regions.
what did snidely whiplash do for a living?
03-23-2012, 06:07 PM
How do you become an investment banker?
03-23-2012, 07:54 PM
Join the free masons.
How do you become a member of the free masons?
03-23-2012, 07:58 PM
You need to ask politely, so unfortunately you will never be allowed to join.
What should a man do for fun around this town?
03-23-2012, 08:13 PM
Go cow tipping of course.
Do elephants actually like peanuts?
03-23-2012, 09:02 PM
No, they pretend to in order to impress people, but everyone knows they're faking.
Can elephants do something productive for our society?
03-23-2012, 10:45 PM
They try very hard, but no one wants to acknowledge an elephant in the room - thus the only career choice open to them is miming.
Under what circumstances would you like to be a mime?
03-24-2012, 04:03 AM
i've often thought it would be amusing to create an all-mime bomb squad.
what is the difference between an cold sore and a fever blister?
03-24-2012, 04:19 AM
The vectors are viewed differently in society, that's about it.
If I were to hire them, would it cost a dime a mime, or are they a mime a dozen?
03-24-2012, 04:28 AM
the international exchange rate = about a ₤ of flesh.
what does the key to someone's heart look like?
03-24-2012, 05:38 AM
Hmm... methinks someone needs a refresher in Biology 101.
Do you suppose curiousjane is still being amused by all this?
03-24-2012, 06:09 AM
Curiousjane is curiously amused.
Does that amuse you?
03-24-2012, 09:36 AM
No, but pandas who are also tax attorneys greatly amuse me.
How do you play hockey?
03-24-2012, 10:24 AM
it requires a basketball arena and lots of ice cubes, several guys with missing teeth and weird accents, and one of those murder masks like in friday the 13th.
i'm not sure about the other details.
what would have happened if icarus had access to superglue?
03-24-2012, 10:41 AM
He'd have started an airline.
Where does gravity come from?
03-24-2012, 10:43 AM
the Coriolis effect and blue food coloring.
(now i'm remembering something about baking soda, but i'm not certain)
what is the worst way to kill a vampire?
03-24-2012, 11:05 AM
Infect yourself with AIDS, preferably through anal sex if you're straight, then seduce one of them bloodsuckers.
what would have happened if icarus had access to superglue?He'd have gotten much higher than before.
Is it me, or is it getting a little queer in here?
03-24-2012, 11:09 AM
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it's not just you. there are little queers all over the place.
what is a hypothalamus?
03-24-2012, 11:14 AM
Come on, I just told you this yesterday, Captain Alzhy.
Be honest, you didn't have to google for that picture, did you?
03-24-2012, 11:18 AM
you told me i could use it whenever i wanted, as long as i didn't use your name.
what would happen if i put an overhead cam in my couch?
03-24-2012, 11:27 AM
You'll have wasted seventy five hours because that's how long you'd take to figure out it's not plugged into anything.
Is the light still on?
03-24-2012, 11:30 AM
yes, but it is clear that no one is home.
what causes her to yawn?
03-24-2012, 11:37 AM
I don't know, perhaps she played a few rounds of The Wrong Answer Game with you.
Why can't I have my toes cut off?
03-24-2012, 11:39 AM
because removing appendages doesn't change you gender.
it's not that bad being a guy.
what is the mystique regarding turnip trucks?
03-24-2012, 11:48 AM
Well, there's that big conspiracy theory that says that they're merely turnip delivery vehicles, but who's dumb enough to believe that?
What's the maximum pressure in a Coke can after an inordinate amount of shaking?
03-24-2012, 11:51 AM
with peanuts: 32 ft per second per second
no peanuts: never been tested.
what do normal people do on the weekends?
03-24-2012, 12:03 PM
Fuck if I know. Well, that's what this girl told me anyway so I hope you can help me out because I really need to get laid.
Is persistence ever worth it?
03-24-2012, 12:21 PM
can you repeat the question?
03-24-2012, 12:33 PM
Not until you repeat the payment.
What does an animal do if it's watching a DVD but needs to go to the toilet?
03-24-2012, 12:41 PM
if you think i'm gonna say hit paws, you can kiss my ass.
in a recent article by james mcpherson in Animal Psychology Review, he discussed the long range implications for what has often been called 'digestive corruption' (as it related to music and bowel movements in house pets.) the study threw light on the misconceptions involving pets and interior noise pollution, and he recommends having your pet's letterbox / pee pad near the stereo / TV set.
what causes wood to petrify?
03-24-2012, 12:46 PM
Naked Thatcher or similar.
Where can I find some better writers?
03-24-2012, 12:52 PM
just north of nashville TN
what's it worth to ya?
03-24-2012, 01:08 PM
I'll give you a pickled egg.
Do you suppose she's still bored, or have we alleviated that?
03-24-2012, 01:20 PM
she asked me not to stop, but i think you and i are getting different directives.
what is spiderman's MBTI?
03-24-2012, 01:26 PM
If I told you that, it'd be that much easier for villains to figure out my secret identity. I mean his identity. His identity. Ooh that... what was it, Sliderman? That Sliderman's an elusive one, yes sir.
Which time zone is correct?
03-24-2012, 01:29 PM
none of them! it is all a vicious conspiracy to make greece financially viable again.
fuck you george soros.
where did rupert murdoch get his money?
03-24-2012, 01:37 PM
Is communism a successful system?
03-24-2012, 01:39 PM
He made his fortune early in his career by lollygagging on video. No, it doesn't mean that. Yes, it means that. He has diabetes now, but I think it's a fair trade.
Which buttons do I press to make it snow?
03-24-2012, 01:47 PM
the one that says typhoon. they fixed the console last week, but maintenance put the labels in the wrong order.
why did pompey want to go to egypt?
03-24-2012, 01:50 PM
When a city grows legs, what else is it gonna do but visit the seven wonders of the world? I thought that'd have been obvious.
Is your refrigerator walking?
03-24-2012, 02:05 PM
nope. it took a cruise to pompeii.
why do the aliens in War of the Worlds look like long-necked street lights?
03-24-2012, 06:35 PM
Because street lights are actually spy drones for the aforementioned aliens.
Why would aliens bother to invade Earth?
03-24-2012, 07:21 PM
We've got tacos here, and they will relentlessly do anything in their power to stop us from making them.
Are tacos healthy for you?
03-24-2012, 07:58 PM
Yes, but they are deadly to everyone else.
Why shouldn't I eat at roadside stands in Tijuana?
03-24-2012, 09:32 PM
The food is too healthy, which would prolong your life and make it even more unbearable.
Why is death necessary?
03-25-2012, 03:29 AM
because we each have regenerative properties wrt clothing. if we all lived forever, some of the more hideous contrivances (elephant bell bottoms and go-go vinyl) would never go out of circulation.
why is a stack of ammo called a magazine?
03-25-2012, 04:26 AM
Because someone once read in a magazine that guns are cool.
Why are guns cool?
03-25-2012, 04:29 AM
the big ones (50 cal) use water. the smaller ones are packed with frozen ants. as the barrel heats up, the ants begin to thaw and move around, cooling the whole surface.
why don't house plants enjoy leftover spaghetti?
03-25-2012, 05:02 AM
They aren't Italian; some ferns in Rome do enjoy a small pasta dish once in awhile.
Why is television less popular nowadays?
03-25-2012, 05:54 AM
the internet porn explosion negated vhs porn rentals, ergo declining tv usage
what is the evolutionary benefit of having lemons and limes?
03-25-2012, 08:39 AM
There is none. God just likes Sprite.
How do I properly insult an Italian tourist?
03-25-2012, 08:55 AM
that's a trick question. italian self esteem is so low, any contact/attention encourages them to talk more.
what is the most popular app for iPhone?
03-25-2012, 09:02 AM
No one knows. Apple's greatest innovation was true random number generation which they then published as their App Store statistics.
What's the perkiest Earth nipple after Mount Everest?
03-25-2012, 09:08 AM
all i can tell you is it's the one on the left.
what would happen if i turned my light switch sideways, so the on/off was parallel to the ground?
03-25-2012, 09:15 AM
I've tried this before, the lights just frown and tsk at you disapprovingly until you stop clowning around.
How much force does it take to pull a finger off a hand?
03-25-2012, 09:19 AM
it can't be done without a tool.
shark: little to no force at all
garbage disposal: moderate force and earplugs
notebook paper: just the right angle and approximately 4,285 passes.
why is there no outrage over the killing of innocent fruits and veggies?
03-25-2012, 09:37 AM
Those fuckers deserve it, especially spinach, especially their offspring, especially the fresh ones.
What kind of music did dinosaurs listen to?
03-25-2012, 09:45 AM
as for adult dinosaurs, i'm really not sure. the kids listed to a big purple neanderthal who sang about everyone liking each other.
how does a prism split lights into colors?
03-25-2012, 10:43 AM
There is a small butterknife in the center of most prisms.
Can a butterknife be used on something other than butter?
03-25-2012, 10:48 AM
The butterknife is the worlds most versatile tool. It'll work as a Screwdriver, pry bar, lever and I saw a video where ....
Did you see that video?
03-25-2012, 11:12 AM
I sure did. That Rick Astley. What a talent!
On the totem pole of importance, what are the levels called that are buried underground?
03-25-2012, 11:14 AM
Is there a Heron in here?
03-25-2012, 11:28 AM
yes, because as my PO says, "there is no I in hero n"
why is a massage (someone hitting your back with fists and elbows) considered relaxing?
03-25-2012, 11:31 AM
People with way too much money have to have something to talk about.
Why are the very rich referred to as "productive"?
---------- Post added 03-25-2012 at 10:35 AM ----------
People with way too much money have to have something to talk about.
Why are the very rich referred to as "productive"?
03-25-2012, 11:43 AM
because having many offspring = more tax deductions, which is how the rich make their money; producing dependent children.
WTF is up with the forum lately?
03-25-2012, 11:46 AM
It has been putting the i in hero n.
Is there a secret handshake I should know about?
03-25-2012, 11:47 AM
It's been taken over by the aliens that run Hulu.
Who invented the Echo?
03-25-2012, 12:00 PM
i mean NBC
i mean CBS
i mean CNN
i mean ABC ......
what did freud and jung have in common?
03-25-2012, 12:14 PM
Keira Knightley? (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 15 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)
Should I go get some fresh air?
03-25-2012, 12:18 PM
day-old stale air is much cheaper, and doesn't required ozone depleting trees to produce.
why don't people sew grass in their living rooms, instead of carpet?
03-25-2012, 12:21 PM
Because mowcuuming sounds too suggestive.
Is Kentucky bluegrass actually blue?
03-25-2012, 12:24 PM
paraquat has a blue tint to it, so
"there is some tainted fescue going around. do not smoke the blue fescue. DO NOT smoke the blue fescue"
what are the development plans for Yasgur's farm?
03-25-2012, 12:42 PM
Get a Vanagon, smoke lots of dope and get lost in upstate New York.
How many people who didn't make it to Woodstock are still looking?
03-25-2012, 12:53 PM
What does the Dow Jones Industrial Average measure?
03-25-2012, 03:22 PM
The richness of the few and the poorness of the many.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
03-25-2012, 05:05 PM
what privileges come from being a member of FDIC?
Have four positions from the alphabet represent your totality as a person/entity.
What are the benefits of a hangover?
03-25-2012, 05:45 PM
That it depends whether the hangover is part time or full time.
Do members of the FDIC have a secret handshake?
You interlock the peace sign with the spock sign and pound it out.
Why don't people wake up all the lies?
03-25-2012, 05:51 PM
Well you know the saying - let sleeping lies lay.
Would a world without lies be any better?
Would a world without puberty be any better?
03-26-2012, 04:12 PM
It'd be a lot less hairy.
What if the end came first?
03-26-2012, 04:19 PM
Then we would be in a kind of infinite temporal loop from which there is no escape.
Why is a computer mouse called a mouse?
Because Windows keeps the mouse deceived by continually showing cheese with a pointer.
If they have a "Stop" sign, why don't they have a "Go" sign?
03-26-2012, 09:45 PM
Because the Chinese game of Go shouldn't be played while driving.
Is life a game?
Life is lost by trying to win.
Where can you get a good connect the dots activity for people over the age of twelve?
03-26-2012, 09:51 PM
Buy them at a store near you:
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Why is candy bad for you?
Because it makes you younger, it's your duty as a citizen to age.
What do people nurse on at the nursing home?
03-26-2012, 10:15 PM
No one knows the answer, and the people who do are in the nursing home and can never return.
What makes something amusing?
How much it confuses you and/or stimulates adrenaline.
What's the newest color?
03-26-2012, 10:38 PM
How are islands created?
03-26-2012, 10:51 PM
The native name for islands is actually wasseas. The requester will fax god a form (he's such a technophobe) to convert some unnecessary water and he'll usually comply in four to six eons.
How does one learn to be shifty-eyed?
03-27-2012, 12:20 AM
Think like a lizard and act like an asshole. (For Beginner's Only)
Is this what they teach you at Shifty-Eyed School?
03-27-2012, 12:32 AM
No, I usually learn how to shift other peoples' eyes, traumatically of course.
Where has system embedded spell check been all my life?
03-27-2012, 03:37 AM
in the pre(white)michael jackson days, it was embedded in a chimp. now we are all exposed.
what causes bloating?
The leavening of beer.
What causes drunkenness?
03-27-2012, 07:28 AM
Why isn't beer pong recognized as a sport?
03-27-2012, 11:10 AM
No one who plays is sober enough to lobby for it.
Beer contains calories why isn't it considered food?
03-27-2012, 01:40 PM
Only Doritos are considered real food, everything else is a kind of baked good.
How do you bake something?
03-27-2012, 04:17 PM
Put it in a space ship and point it towards the sun.
Why are Mustard Seeds so small?
03-27-2012, 04:22 PM
Because their ancestors were left in the drier.
Why does the government look down on violent games, yet allow them to be advertised to the public?
03-27-2012, 04:39 PM
Because the government has a serious mental illness and should be in therapy.
How expensive is mental health therapy?
03-27-2012, 05:04 PM
They charge by the mile, so if you don't go far, it's pretty cheap.
Is mental health healthy?
03-27-2012, 05:05 PM
Is this real life?
03-27-2012, 05:11 PM
Recent testing revealed real life to be a fantasy. This is therefore a fantasy within a fantasy. I hope this clears things up.
What is the point of viruses?
03-27-2012, 05:52 PM
Viruses are supposed to be good viruses, attend the right universities, marry the right man, and have at least 2 babies.
Why do babies grow up?
03-27-2012, 06:02 PM
It's obviously because they drink water, they grow when watered...just very very very slowly.
Why do people who use autotune obtain professional careers as singers?
03-27-2012, 06:05 PM
Because I personally selected them and I have extremely bad, juvenile taste.
How should people improve their taste in music?
03-27-2012, 07:37 PM
First you nibble on a bit of the classical stuff, then you munch some rock, slurp down a bit of the blues, and just keep going through the menu until something clicks and you get it.
Has an unifying principle been discovered and dissected yet?
Where do you go when you go out of your head?
03-27-2012, 10:26 PM
Almost everyone goes to Leawood, Kansas.
What are the exciting things to do in Kansas?
03-28-2012, 12:14 AM
Walk into a typhoon.
Do worms get sucked into a typhoon?
03-28-2012, 01:47 AM
No, their bristles keep them in the ground. Not even an F5 tornado can lift them up.
If actions speak louder than words, is the pen really mightier than the sword?
03-28-2012, 02:04 AM
All I know is that a good battle axe will chop through a pencil almost effortlessly.
Do you have a battle axe I could borrow?
03-28-2012, 07:52 AM
Sure. It's lodged in his cranium. Well, his Atamagahen after all.
What is the ideal gas law?
03-28-2012, 09:07 AM
Ideally, you shouldn't pass gas on the first date.
03-28-2012, 09:48 AM
Ideally you shouldn't pass sweaters on the first date.
03-28-2012, 10:10 AM
They came off quite a while ago.
Does this outfit make me look fat?
03-28-2012, 10:28 AM
No, it's an optical illusion created by the sun reflecting off your ginormous ass.
What is the significance of the mean?
03-28-2012, 10:59 AM
It serves as a contrast to the friendly.
What's the difference between me and you?
03-28-2012, 11:24 AM
It's 476 with a remainder of 0.077555. If you multiply you and me together, you get 1,573.555771.
How do you multiply something?
03-28-2012, 12:23 PM
Take a MDMA pill and you'll find out soon enough.
How come the armor that soldiers wear in the Assassin's Creed series make wet cardboard seem like adamantium in comparison?
Because you can't penetrate a fictional past.
Why does fantasy tend to orient itself around an earlier time?
03-28-2012, 03:54 PM
Because after 4:00 pm we switch to hard sci-fi, and history at 6.
What would the future look like if Flintstones technology had been real?
03-28-2012, 04:09 PM
Two words for you: robotic chickens.
How do you make a robot?
03-28-2012, 04:41 PM
the first clue is when a robot is driving behind you at all; so keep an eye in your rear view mirror.
if you notice it's still there after two abrupt street changes, be very suspicious.
if you're a fan of cop/detective shows at all, you know the true test is to speed up at a yellow light. if the robot runs the light after it has turned red, his cover is blown and you are definitely being followed.
how did linda blair spin her head all the way around?
03-28-2012, 05:00 PM
"Psychological issues"...it's what the doctors claimed. Seems legit.
Are those "no weapon" signs at theaters and schools even useful in any way?
03-28-2012, 05:01 PM
She studied the technique with Tibetan Monks for months before shooting. Puking green was much more difficult and she needed special effects for that.
Why do birds sing whenever you're around?
03-28-2012, 05:07 PM
^ just like me, they long to be, close to you.
^^ yes; when you pull them down, there is raw wall for graffiti.
after sterilizing hypodermic needles, what is the next best use for a toaster?
03-28-2012, 05:10 PM
Transmuting Lead into Gold
Is air really free?
03-28-2012, 05:12 PM
after mail-in rebate, yes.
what is the story behind the invention of the dirigible?
03-28-2012, 05:42 PM
Here's the story: Once upon a time, there lived in a magic kingdom a dirigible. The dirigible then relocated, so there are now dirigibles everywhere.
Why are kingdoms magic?
03-28-2012, 05:47 PM
compared to socialism, monarchy really ain't that bad.
who choses the sound effects for keystroke errors?
03-28-2012, 05:50 PM
Mrs. Gretchen Wormington of Hillsboro, Oregon has the elite position of selecting the right sound effects for everything in existence. She does not sign autographs.
What are autographs?
03-28-2012, 05:52 PM
variants in a theme of X.
what two great tastes go great together?
03-28-2012, 06:28 PM
The taste of strawberries and the Andromeda galaxy.
Where is the Andromeda galaxy located?
03-28-2012, 07:45 PM
In my left drawer. Wait! That's the Asus Galaxy. In my right drawer.
What else do I have in my drawers?
Briefs boxing wife beaters.
What time does your clock say now?
03-28-2012, 08:37 PM
Why do other people's clocks only count to 60 minutes?
03-28-2012, 08:37 PM
Because other people have limited cognitive abilities to grasp high-level concepts.
Why do we sleep in beds?
03-28-2012, 08:48 PM
We don't. We sleep on beds.
Can grammar nazis be put on trial for crimes against humanity?
03-28-2012, 09:31 PM
Grammar nazis can do anything they set their minds to.
Where is the mind located?
Under a heat sink, covered by a fan.
Where is the CIA located?
03-29-2012, 12:06 AM
Inside your eyeballs, that's what's going on.
What isn't going on?
03-29-2012, 12:45 AM
What should we tell the ladies in order for them to love us?
03-29-2012, 03:00 AM
Start by telling them how a string of wealthy uncles left you their inheritance and their charm.
Did that work?.
03-29-2012, 05:51 AM
Well, I'm broke now...so if that was your plan then yes.
Why does Chucky always cause a stir before he attempts to transfer his soul into the not so helpless victim?
He makes Charlie sick, who then upChucks, this provides the momentum needed for transfer.
Why don't people understand everything?
03-29-2012, 08:12 AM
If we understood everything, then we wouldn't discover anything we wouldn't never misunderstand because we'd understand everything...that means no more questions are needed and it's like reaching the destination without the journey, which wouldn't be any fun at all. That, and we might as well not even be considered people anymore.
According to Christians, humans were created in god's perfect image...if so, then how come circumcision is insisted?
03-29-2012, 08:23 AM
Because God has a sense of humor.
Where is God right now?
03-29-2012, 05:42 PM
In the cafeteria.
Why does that cat like to sleep in my filing cabinet?
03-29-2012, 05:52 PM
Because the cat should be filed under C for Cat and Cute.
What should we all do now?
03-29-2012, 06:27 PM
ask God if he's gonna eat his tater tots.
what is lorena bobbitt's next significant exploit?
03-29-2012, 07:07 PM
She's gonna start a midget orphanage called Bobbitt's Hobbits.
What is the least exploited thing on Earth?
What tricks can you do?
03-29-2012, 09:36 PM
No tricks, only treats.
What is the difference between a trick and a treat?
One is magic, the other you eat.
What magic can you eat?
03-29-2012, 09:46 PM
The red kind.
Can I have my personal Black Hole, gift wrapped and all?
03-29-2012, 09:56 PM
No, you're only qualified to get a greyish hole. It works about as well as a Dyson vacuum, but deposits the waste in your pockets.
How much sarcasm can a man take before exploding in a shower of eye rolls?
03-29-2012, 10:34 PM
Unfortunately I'm suspicious about what you'll do with the answer once you learn it, so I'm not willing to share anything.
What arouses our suspicion?
Reasons to doubt similarity in others' position.
What's the best thing about routine?
03-29-2012, 10:41 PM
The best thing is that you get 5 free tacos for every routine you perform starting this Sunday and ending April 15th. Offer while supplies last.
Why is April 1st April Fool's Day?
03-29-2012, 11:23 PM
It's not. No, really. By the way, you're invited to my house on that day. I'll have a biiig cake that's clearly not made from chilli. :sneaky:
Why does red mean stop?
03-29-2012, 11:32 PM
Because you have a serious mental disorder and have difficulty understanding that colors have no intrinsic meaning.
How much will you have to pay to see a psychiatrist?
03-29-2012, 11:48 PM
Not as much as you will when you see him for… uh… your face! Oh, shut up.
If I collected all the fingers that have ever been severed, would I be able to count to a hundred?
03-29-2012, 11:51 PM
Hypothetical scenarios like the one you outlined can only be properly analyzed through the use of advanced statistical algorithms and a no-hassle consultation, so you'll need to pay me $10,000.
How should you earn $10,000?
03-30-2012, 12:17 AM
That depends on how much you'd pay me to tell you.
How much will you pay me to tell you?
03-30-2012, 12:18 AM
What is the meaning of the universe?
03-30-2012, 12:21 AM
How could you not know that?
03-30-2012, 01:08 AM
I'm bored with the obvious.
Why is the obvious so obvious?
03-30-2012, 01:09 AM
The Rule of Thumb said so.
What did the Rule of Fingers said?
03-30-2012, 01:10 AM
Because ... *waits for you to get it*
How do you change the stupid passenger side headlight in a Mazda 6?
03-30-2012, 01:11 AM
You first acknowledge the stupidity.
What is the nature of time?
03-30-2012, 01:13 AM
Father Time is a male by nature.
Who is the wife of Father Time ?
03-30-2012, 02:27 AM
Mrs. Time, but he's got hookers on the side too.
What are you going to do with all that junk - all that junk inside your trunk?
03-30-2012, 02:52 AM
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk, then I'ma make this axe go thunk. Right in your fucking cranium.
Is it too easy to steal babies?
03-30-2012, 03:26 AM
compared to pulling off a tigers toenail, yes.
compared to getting a sesame seed out of a dental cavity, not really.
why was mr rogers always in a sweater?
03-30-2012, 08:20 AM
They installed vibrating pads inside the sweater, it was the only way the producers could get him to stop rubbing his nipples on camera.
For the most successful Hollywood actors, what is the ratio of lines of coke done to lines of script spoken?
03-30-2012, 08:46 AM
I don't know since I was never good at geometry.
How many sides does a triangle have?
A top side and a bottom side. The top side prefers to have the bottom side as bottom feeding parasites from the top sides discharge.
Can drunken behavior be predictably calculated?
03-30-2012, 03:23 PM
there are mathematical equations which calibrate the level of inebriation measured in milliliters and accurately measures synapse firing based on a precise alcoholic fume measurement emitting from the epidermal human layer....however, the person who invented this was killed in a drunk driving incident.
what, really, is the point?
03-30-2012, 03:31 PM
It's the end part of the sword that you're supposed to stick into other people. Historians now place the origin of 'the point' somewhere between 2200 B.C and yesterday.
What is the best place in the internet?
03-30-2012, 03:31 PM
very large my little pony collection.
bored or board?
Skateboard ollie over an internet forum bored.
What does it mean to be whacked out?
03-30-2012, 04:58 PM
It means that you won't be winning the Nobel Prize in chemistry anytime soon.
Where is Sweden?
03-30-2012, 05:12 PM
Decades ago Sweden was located near the center of Europe. However, during all the hubaloo surrounding Y2K, some enterprising corporate thief stuffed it in his briefcase when no one was looking. Neither Sweden nor the suit-wearing perpetrator have been seen since.
How long does it take to clip the toenails on a Tiger's back feet? Just the back ones mind you...
03-30-2012, 05:18 PM
Due to an atemporal paradox that currently surrounds tigers, it takes approximately negative 18 nanoseconds.
What should we all do on Thursdays?
03-30-2012, 11:18 PM
We should thirst ourselves silly on Thursdays.
What about Fridays?
03-31-2012, 08:16 AM
We should learn about mechanical engineering on Fridays.
How do you become an engineer?
Put oil and gasoline on your hands and then start tweakin' around w/ that ole car engine of yours. If you get good at it and people notice your work, you'll get hired as an engineer.
How can you tell when someone is lying?
03-31-2012, 09:49 AM
They use the words "recommend", "opinion", or "appropriate".
Why was Hitler so mean?
03-31-2012, 12:01 PM
Because his coworkers were stealing his toys.
Does "society" exist or not?
03-31-2012, 12:43 PM
Detroit exists and that's all that matters.
Is there something important you should do right now?
03-31-2012, 01:36 PM
when I last checked my important things to do robot reminder, it said that i hadn't programmed him in over two years, so really, i'm not sure how to answer that question.
what was the first clown make up made of?
03-31-2012, 03:10 PM
'made of' is a misnomer. there is an actual metamorphosis that occurs under the right circumstances. i won't go into the atmospheric/barometric considerations, but erstwhile 'normal' people mutate into clowns.
interesting side-note: the hideous, pointy-tooth evil clowns are harmless, and they are the mutation of balanced, contented people.
happy mutates into sad.
never, NEVER be alone with a happy smiling clown.
what causes a muscle spasm?
03-31-2012, 03:28 PM
Every time an angel (or a Korean dictator) sneezes, someone on earth gets a charlie horse
when do pigs actually fly?
03-31-2012, 03:32 PM
ramadan or rosh hashanah... i can't keep them straight.
what is the bets application of terra cotta?
03-31-2012, 03:35 PM
Well, terra cotta is generally a good bet - I usually give it 3:1 odds against it's inferior substitute- plaster
Why are Parisians so snooty?
03-31-2012, 03:38 PM
their undaunted bravery justifies them in all contexts.
you should apologize.
what else steeps, besides tea?
03-31-2012, 03:51 PM
there is only one other substance on earth that steeps, and that's vengeance...and it makes a potent brew.
why do candy stripers wear stripes?
03-31-2012, 03:54 PM
madison avenue has determined that after pigtails and the french-maid outfit, the candy stripe is the most provocative attire known to western civilization.
what ever happened to Olestra?
03-31-2012, 04:03 PM
Last I heard was married to an old billionaire....really a gold digger that one.
what are the redeeming qualities of a lump of coal?
03-31-2012, 04:07 PM
.23 per lb, with coupon.
what makes potting soil different from dirt?
03-31-2012, 05:35 PM
Nothing, but the media would have you believe that dirt is younger, sexier, and has more money.
What makes people sexy?
03-31-2012, 05:57 PM
Following all the directions in the women's gossip rags at the supermarket line.
What could be better than a hot fudge brownie sundae?
03-31-2012, 06:33 PM
A logistic regression analysis.
Where can I find the latest newspaper?
03-31-2012, 06:41 PM
You don't find the latest newspaper, the latest newspaper finds you.
Where would you go if you were trying to be found?
03-31-2012, 07:21 PM
Richmond, Virginia or Athens, Greece.
Why isn't Virginia a country?
03-31-2012, 08:32 PM
It a country at one point, it was a neighbor to the isle of Sapphos, but was absorbed in the feminine uprising and subsequent take over of the Sapphonian government
What is the hardest wood in the world?
03-31-2012, 08:37 PM
Woodrow Wilson. He was pretty gangsta.
Why do people try so hard to be different, just like everyone else?
03-31-2012, 08:41 PM
Because the Dark Overlords have programmed us to be that way
Why are the Dark Overlords such dicks?
03-31-2012, 08:45 PM
Because they haven't done their laundry in a few weeks, and their undies are a little ... itchy ... by now.
How often does someone have to wash their hands before it's considered OCD behavior?
03-31-2012, 08:48 PM
One more than I do.
How does Z really feel about A?
03-31-2012, 10:47 PM
Z laughs at A. All zebras know this.
Should we elect a zebra to the head of Homeland Security?
We should get rid of Homeland Insecurity.
When does fiction become more desirable than fact?
04-01-2012, 07:24 AM
Why do people play tricks on April Fool's Day?
To get the treat of watching people's reaction.
Why do people trick and treat on Halloween?
04-01-2012, 09:00 AM
It's an old Indian trick.
Why do people eat?
04-01-2012, 09:22 AM
it is a conspiracy perpetrated by Big ToiletPaper
why does the outside temperature matter?
04-01-2012, 09:29 AM
It's an Extrovert conspiracy.
Do we really need extroverts?
04-01-2012, 09:53 AM
We really need plastic containers filled with fruit and nut combinations, so if the extroverts can help with that, they could be very useful.
Where are plastic containers created?
04-01-2012, 10:28 AM
Stratford upon Tupperware
if shakespeare didn't really write all that junk, then what did he actually do?
04-01-2012, 10:32 AM
He wrote the following poem:
A dog laughs.
How do you create a poem?
04-01-2012, 10:37 AM
preheat oven to 325°
mix 2 eggs
2/3 cup of plain flower
1/2 cup of sugar
in a large mixing bowl with a wire whisk until moist.
beat at medium/medium high for 2 minutes
bake for 35 minutes, or until words flow smoothly.
what is so magical about her smile?
04-01-2012, 10:41 AM
She worships the Dark Arts against the wishes of the Council of White, and her dark magic will corrupt you to the point where you will no longer be able to distinguish between love and sex.
How do you make a grilled cheese sandwich?
04-01-2012, 10:51 AM
heat car engine to 3500 rpm
combine rye bread, feta cheese and tuna sprinkles on manifold
drive 3-12 minutes (actual engine temps may vary)
at high elevations, remove catalytic converter and extend drive time by 2-8 additional minutes
what happens on a 4 dog night?
04-01-2012, 11:06 AM
Lassie, Toto, Clifford, and White Fang get together and play cards around a table in a smoky room.
How many animals have fangs?
04-01-2012, 11:10 AM
I counted one before it tore me to shreds.
Why are cats so fascinated with tiny moving objects?
04-01-2012, 11:12 AM
all cats are from switzerland, which is why they all know how to make watches and clocks and such.
what happens to snow when it gets warm outside?
04-01-2012, 11:16 AM
It migrates south
Where do Priests come from?
04-01-2012, 11:21 AM
Ask an altar boy.
What question does "42" answer?
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