View Full Version : I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game
03-16-2012, 07:16 PM
howard hughs isn't doing anything today.
well, maybe he is still peeing in those bottles while looking out on the pacific from his suite of rooms in the acapulco princess
what is paraquat?
03-16-2012, 07:39 PM
It's a now defunct South American country that was absorbed by a neighboring country when all of the inhabitants drank poisoned kool aid.
what time is it? really.
03-16-2012, 07:41 PM
does anybody really know?
does anybody really care?
whoa whoa whoaaaaa
what is a painted pony, and what sort of paint was used?
03-16-2012, 07:43 PM
the pony and paint are allegorical, a sort of open plains version of Schroedinger's Cat.
If that cat was in that box, how do we know it remained a cat?
03-16-2012, 07:46 PM
pfft, the cat is solipsistic; you're the one who doesn't exist.
why can't i screw with mother nature?
03-16-2012, 07:54 PM
You need a screwdriver.
Where is the nearest Walmart?
03-16-2012, 07:59 PM
2 miles away from there which only a couple of blocks from here
Which is where?
03-16-2012, 08:02 PM
Which is on vacation in Guatemala.
Where is what?
03-16-2012, 08:03 PM
What was last seen making out with when...it was quite a scandal
Where is Who?
03-16-2012, 08:03 PM
Are you hungry for ham?
03-16-2012, 08:05 PM
with those curly cue bulbs, i'd say about 20 whats, max
why do knives come in different sizes?
03-16-2012, 08:06 PM
Because they are paired with Knaves, who come in different sizes
Can someone tell me if the Fork really ran away with the Spoon?
03-16-2012, 08:09 PM
only if you play deliverance on the fiddle
squeel fer me now.....
what makes chuck norris such a bad ass?
03-16-2012, 08:13 PM
*you sher do got a purty mouuuth*
Chuck Norris is a type of mutant prototype not designed for mass replication
What type of prototype are you?
03-16-2012, 08:33 PM
I am a Type B personality, which means I'm the prototype for boredom.
Are you a rascal?
03-16-2012, 08:42 PM
Yes, but my maiden name is Shenanigans
Why did the devil go down to Georgia?
03-16-2012, 09:20 PM
Atlanta is home to CNN, so the devil could use their broadcasting equipment to spread the message of evil.
What is the message of evil?
03-16-2012, 09:29 PM
Try it you'll like it
Why is seven after six
03-16-2012, 09:34 PM
Because seven ate a large pasta dinner.
What is pasta?
It's rice laden with fat and butter.
Why does soy cause an increase in estrogen levels?
03-16-2012, 10:35 PM
Because everything causes an increase in estrogen levels.
What is a tadpole?
03-16-2012, 11:05 PM
It is a pole that is a tad bit too small to be called a beanpole.
Are you good?
Nah, hook me up yo!
If you take away emotions and instinct, what is there to trigger motivation towards action?
03-16-2012, 11:25 PM
Your index finger wrapped around a shiny Smith & Wesson.
Why do corporations create ridiculous mission statements?
To match the factuality of what they are...ridiculous.
Why can you still see a person's eye shadow at night?
03-16-2012, 11:44 PM
You have rod photo receptors in your eyes that allow vision in dim light levels.
Why are so many electronic products named after food? (apple, blackberry, chocolate phone, etc)
03-16-2012, 11:45 PM
Marketing tool to create the hunger.
Did it work?
03-16-2012, 11:54 PM
Yes, but when it didn't get paid on time then it quit.
Can one's face really get stuck that way?
03-17-2012, 12:04 AM
Your face is better stuck this way then some where else.
Can you imagine where else you'd rather have your face stuck at?
Certainly not in or with a book, despite the fact that many do on the internet.
Why do I scream for ice cream?
03-17-2012, 12:31 AM
It happens in your dream.
Can a sinking fund sink?
03-17-2012, 03:10 AM
If you're higher than it, relative to your perspective it will sink.
How many perspectives do you have?
03-17-2012, 06:03 AM
Does this mean I have an issue with split personalities?
03-17-2012, 09:42 AM
It means you have an issue with split pea soup.
Where are the dinosaurs now?
03-17-2012, 11:39 AM
Last seen boarding an airplane to Fiji
If the color violet made a sound, what sound would that be?
03-17-2012, 12:17 PM
Why can't penguins fly?
03-17-2012, 12:31 PM
they can, they are so spiritually advanced that they do so only on the astral plane
03-17-2012, 12:34 PM
Because we need our anger and frustration at this world to create helpful products like veal.
What are helpful products?
03-17-2012, 12:37 PM
Potty mouth cleaner, Dirty Thought scrubber and Low Self Esteem healing ointment
Who was that masked man anyways?
03-17-2012, 01:27 PM
Why do superheroes wear capes?
03-17-2012, 07:42 PM
It's a status thing -- mediocre heroes only get a windbreaker.
Is it physically possible for different peanut butter brands to taste unique?
03-17-2012, 08:46 PM
Yes, you need to write to the Planters Corporation and they'll send you a marketing brochure describing the procedure.
Who writes marketing brochures?
03-18-2012, 01:02 AM
Vendors in the market square.
Is a Squire a square squirrel?
03-18-2012, 01:11 AM
Closer to a squirrelly squid with a squint.
Are knaves knees with knives?
03-18-2012, 01:24 AM
You mean those blades which evades?
03-18-2012, 01:36 AM
No, I mean those swords made for hordes.
Who handles the hafts of hedge trimmers?
03-18-2012, 01:51 AM
My Uncle Bob who lobbies for bobbies.
Does bobbies lay booby traps?
03-18-2012, 01:54 AM
my daughter-in-law lost a finger to one of those bastards.
if not a cape or a windbreaker, what do the shoddy superheroes wear?
03-18-2012, 01:57 AM
a silly grin.
How do you boost the image of a Superhero who wears a silly grin?
03-18-2012, 02:20 AM
With expensive teeth whitener and boob job (for either gender superhero)
at what temperature does the average superhero burn?
03-18-2012, 03:59 AM
DC superheroes burn at around 260-280°.
there is no such thing as an average marvel superhero :)
what was catwoman's superpower?
03-18-2012, 04:09 AM
Her urine smelled like amber and musk and she never felt the need to cover up her pee...or use a catbox.....or litter. Oh and she always, and I mean always, landed on her feet.
What nincompoop decided that diamonds were a girl's best friend?
03-18-2012, 04:21 AM
what causes our tastebuds to change, and is it really in 7 year cycles?
03-18-2012, 05:18 AM
That's just life. They grow up, they grow old, suddenly they've tasted all there is to taste, burnt themselves crazy on the hot stuff and numbed their depression with ice cream. It's always right around the seven year mark that the suicides start. But of course, there are always fresh-faced, naive tastebud buds waiting to replace them and blossom. The never-ending cycle of flavor; it never ends, appropriately enough. And that's literally true, they suffer quite terribly when the host dies, tasting soil all day, then hopping across insects, birds and pets before making their way to another gourmand.
How do I know if I've rambled on too long?
03-18-2012, 06:34 AM
if you notice the seasons changing outside, if you check to see if your cable provider offers lifetime, and/or if you post repetitious mundanity on the internet...
kill yourself, it's over.
how was cottage cheese discovered?
03-18-2012, 08:04 AM
There was a terrible earthquake one day in Genericland and all the cows on the pasture were found choked to death. Evidently the farmers cut them open to find their insides all choked up with delicious cheddar. Oh wait, you said cottage cheese. Well that was aliens.
Can dead men answer wrongly?
03-18-2012, 08:18 AM
four out of five dentists agree: yes.
what is the attraction of 16" curled yellow fingernails?
03-18-2012, 08:41 AM
Sometimes you get that intestinal itch that just won't go away.
What's the wrong answer to this question?
03-18-2012, 09:00 AM
you are irresistibly stupid and do not warrant my attention.
what is the next nonviable green energy source?
03-18-2012, 09:27 AM
How do you live one day at a time?
You become reborn at the beginning of the day and die at its end.
How many times can you be reincarnated?
03-18-2012, 10:46 AM
Forced reincarnation was discontinued 8 lifetimes ago...for all beings except for cats.
Define contemporary sentient being
The contemporary mindset seems to be towards absolute relativism to justify any distortion of truth. I take the stance of absolute truth with personal relativism as a side effect of individuality.
What is hypocrisy?
03-18-2012, 11:02 AM
hypo-crissy what what the rest of the band had to go through when crissy hines heard that rush limbaugh was using one of her songs as his theme
what is intelligent design?
03-18-2012, 11:16 AM
The ability to stay in the lines in a coloring book
Crayons vs Colored Pencils - why the big debate?
03-18-2012, 11:25 AM
the northern states were quite concerned that without tariffs, the british coloring-pencil merchants would flood the market with inexpensive products manufactured in their dominions. the south was strongly against any new tariffs, and they found a spokesman in the form of John Calhoun- "far be it from me to doubt my northern brethren, yet i notice that they turn up their noses when asked to barter their coloring pencils for the fine crayons produced right here in alabama, which, by the way, is a part of these united states...
the acrimony continued unabated until the raid on the Harpers Ferry Office Supply Warehouse. the sad part is the way the chinese used the conflict to export their magic markers, and corner the market.
what's the deal with dinosaur tails?
03-18-2012, 11:30 AM
The deal is you can get two for the price of 1.
Why are prices sometimes high?
03-18-2012, 11:32 AM
They are on sale almost anywhere fine dinosaur tails are sold, however, it is cheaper to buy them in bulk at Costco
how many people on the planet can validly be labeled curmudgeons?
03-18-2012, 11:36 AM
two. if you go outside the planet, the number goes up significantly.
what is a caveat?
03-18-2012, 11:39 AM
It's an antiquated notion about how fashionable pelts and bones are as our primary mode of dress
*squints looking off into the distance* WHAT is that??!!
03-18-2012, 11:49 AM
oh c'mon. you act like you've never seen a 36 inch tall transgendered pineapple with a tattoo before.
what actually causes a sunburn?
03-18-2012, 12:03 PM
That unfortunate new product called "Sunburn in a Tube" - I don't think it's going to last on the market for too long
*drops to knees shaking her fists at the heavens* WHYYYY? DEAR GOD WHYYYYYY??!!
03-18-2012, 12:05 PM
*voice from heaven*
because my dear child, i said so.
why did horse archers go out of vogue?
03-18-2012, 12:07 PM
The editors of Vogue thought that archery was a bit unfashionable and opted to go with a more bohemian look this season
why do old men wear knee high socks and pants way too high on their waists?
03-18-2012, 12:59 PM
camouflage; it keeps them hidden from muggers.
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what is the best use for left-over macaroni?
03-18-2012, 01:04 PM
I find that when when amalgamated with glitter and glue that it it makes for pleasing art...but then again, I think most things are enhanced by glitter and glue.
Why does fiber keep you regular?
03-18-2012, 01:15 PM
when dow chemical discovered rayon, it was considered an aberration, but polyester, that was a whole different ball of wax. suddenly, anyone who wore polyester was easily recognized as part of the normal, common folk... and it has been true ever since. polyester fibers are the clearest proof of being a regular person.
why is balsa wood so light?
03-18-2012, 01:18 PM
Well primarily because it is an adept at transcendental meditation - I might even add that it is nearing yogi stage
what kind of sandwich do you think is the Dalai Lama's favorite?
03-18-2012, 01:36 PM
Gertrude the Sand Witch has always been worshipped by the Lama.
Where does roast beef come from?
03-18-2012, 01:40 PM
^^ according to People Magazine, he is fond of
meatball marinara on italian-herbs-and-cheese, with onions, black olives, salt and pepper, parmesan and oregano, double toasted. i have a friend at his favorite sandwich shop who confirms this info plus a juicy tidbit... he usually gets jalapeņos on the side.
^ fishing worms.
why are the speed limits lower around elementary schools?
03-18-2012, 01:44 PM
Because slow children are playing
Eating sweetmeats, why?
editorial note on the Dalai Lama - I hear he orders his sandwiches as "make me one with everything"
03-18-2012, 01:44 PM
Because you're a sweetheart.
What does mph stand for?
03-18-2012, 01:45 PM
it is the sound of someone getting hit in the belly with a softball.
what are tooth fillings really made of?
03-18-2012, 01:48 PM
the wishes of santa's elves worldwide...and love.
why do cavity creeps always roam the streets in gangs?
03-18-2012, 01:50 PM
it is for self-protection. have you seen how big that frickin Kool Aid dude is????
what effect does water have on electricity?
03-18-2012, 01:54 PM
I'm not sure, but I bet if you tested it when taking your next bath you'd be sure to find out
Does the wind really cry Mary?
03-18-2012, 01:59 PM
Duh, is there a red house over yonder?
Why stamp glue tastes so damn good?
03-18-2012, 02:03 PM
timothy leary devised the recipe
why do owls not bop around during daylight hours?
03-18-2012, 02:06 PM
Owls understand that there is a purity of bop that can only be recognized at night...and like all good jazz musicians, they are nursing some sort of a hangover every days and cannot even get out of bed until well into the evening.
why are they called gumshoe detectives anyways?
03-18-2012, 02:19 PM
it comes from two latin words- Gigno (to bring forth, beget, father) and Sermo (rumor)
most detectives are closet homosexuals, so they create stories of illicit progeny to keep their secret.
dick tracy? really... you think that's a real name?
what significant cultural offerings came from the assyrians?
03-18-2012, 02:31 PM
The internet for one and Twizzlers for another, that's just the tip of the iceberg though. Their contributions are innumerable.
Are you really from Constantinople?
03-18-2012, 02:36 PM
originally, yes. funny story:
through the aid of a greek channeler, i have discovered i am reincarnated. one of my earliest incarnations was julian the apostate. i must have really pissed those people off, they wanted to amputate my nose!!!
what causes steam to rise from a sewer grate?
03-18-2012, 02:38 PM
Hot sewer gator sex
How many genders are there?
03-18-2012, 02:40 PM
only two. missionary and you're-going-to-hell.
[edit: i thought you asked how many sexes there were]
meh...it's still a wrong answer ;D
why don't the amish use electricity?
03-18-2012, 02:46 PM
While the Amish had devised a way to generate electricity from a potato, they prefer to eat said vegetable instead, to do otherwise is wasteful as it takes many potatoes to operate their computers.
why are basement dungeons so often painted black?
03-18-2012, 02:58 PM
believe it or not, it is an acoustic consideration; black dampens sound waves. we all know how embarrassing it can be when neighbors come over and hear muffled wails and chains clinking from under your living room.
what is the origin of velcro?
03-18-2012, 03:05 PM
It was the primary way a wooly mammoth kept their young close to them....very close.
will the mayans be proven right in december 2012?
03-18-2012, 03:08 PM
they were off by about 2 months.
don't buy a turkey.
what is a sub-woofer?
03-18-2012, 03:11 PM
It's a large noisy sandwich, and one that should really only be eaten in a black dungeon
Why won't MC Hammer let me touch anything?
03-18-2012, 03:14 PM
the same reason as justin bieber; they each have a restraining order against you.
what really caused the titanic to go down?
03-18-2012, 03:19 PM
The commonly accepted theory for the sinking of the titanic is that it was caused by a voodoo dance in Papua New Guinea gone severely astray, a medicine man inadvertently added a human head when it was supposed to be a sex organ of a newt.
Can you walk across coals and not burn your feet?
03-18-2012, 03:25 PM
yes, but i give off the scent of teriyaki when i do :(
what happens when you drink too much caffeine?
03-18-2012, 03:29 PM
Caffeine is commonly accepted as the primary cause for emitting a scent very much like teriyaki - which acts as a pheromone for tiny ninjas.
who was more of a bad ass, ninjas or samurai's?
03-18-2012, 03:40 PM
william t ninjas was a bad ass in the oil change pit of the trenton NJ quickie-lube; damn near fearless. he has 3 company records for oil-change related activities.
but the real badass was sam urai. he single handedly saved teenage twins from a pack of hyenas, using only a whiffle bat. he was given a certificate of merit by none other than chuck norris.
what happens if you serve medium rare chicken?
03-18-2012, 03:47 PM
Nothing much really, medium rare chickens are often rather self absorbed and rude. However, when you serve rare chicken, they often are warm and considerate and even thank you for your service...and maybe slip you a benjamin for your efforts.
What is that deer scent they sell in hunting stores really made of?
03-18-2012, 04:10 PM
you really really don't want to know. but since you've asked, i would be rude to not answer. it is made from the ... erm... byproduct of each Ralph Lauren sexcapade.
what was a go-go dancer?
03-18-2012, 04:14 PM
They were the antithesis of the stay-stay dancer, a dance craze that was very popular in the INTJf
Birkenstocks and white socks - why? WHY???!!!!!!
Because hippies can be unhip too.
What's the next level of intimacy after tree hugging?
03-18-2012, 04:41 PM
joint therapy. each party is given a common piece of reading material (like gore's masterpiece the earth in balance) to begin a conversation. a certified arbor-therapist then engages them in a bit of confrontational dialog. it quickly becomes apparent whether or not they should even consider dating.
how did we come out of the last few ice ages, since there were no SUV's and no chlorofluorocarbons?
We smoked blunts and drank 40s.
How can a stunt or a trick also be called a prostitute?
03-18-2012, 04:53 PM
stunt is ethiopian for 'infected,' and trick is a greek term for 'she looks like your dad and she was born the year he disappeared'
if you can get glue from horses, what can you get from giraffes?
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What's the difference between muppets and claymation?
03-18-2012, 05:00 PM
muppets, (especially the one you have pictured) are dedicated and truthful compatriots, brilliant an trustworthy, and they are known for warm and tender smiles. you can't compare that list of attributes to pokey, gumby and mr bill. there is no comparison.
what makes us sleepy?
Lack of concentration.
Why do people always say the book is better than the movie?
03-18-2012, 05:31 PM
Because they're forced at gunpoint to say various things against their will.
What is faster than a speeding bullet?
How can a person be considered a trainwreck?
03-18-2012, 06:48 PM
this generally happens when this person thinks they are an actual train.....oh..and they're batshit crazy too.
why do kings of yore always hold big turkey legs when dining?
03-18-2012, 08:24 PM
Because the queens of yore have the small turkey legs.
What is yore?
03-18-2012, 10:13 PM
Yore is short for "Your folklore."
What are the trees whispering to the wind?
03-18-2012, 10:14 PM
"Hey, how's it goin' baby?"
What can elves do for our society?
03-18-2012, 10:20 PM
All sorts of wonder!
May I own one of those? (elves)
03-18-2012, 10:28 PM
You need to obtain explicit permission from the International Elves Allocation Fund.
Do you have the necessary signatures from the International Elves Allocation Fund?
03-18-2012, 10:31 PM
My mother sat on the Board of International Elves Allocation Fund.
What did your mother sat on?
03-18-2012, 10:32 PM
My father, which is how I was born.
How were you born?
03-18-2012, 10:35 PM
Upside down with the damn doctor thrashing my butt!
Can we not talk about this?
03-18-2012, 10:37 PM
According to rule # 3,455 of the International Internet Rules, we must talk about this.
Do you have a copy of the rules?
03-18-2012, 10:38 PM
I burnt the last copy.
Didn't you burn down the last committee?
03-18-2012, 10:40 PM
I was the only member of the last committee, and yes, I burnt it down.
What is very mysterious?
03-18-2012, 10:41 PM
I noticed you mentioned what and not who.
Why did you prefer what over who?
03-18-2012, 10:44 PM
Because Mrs. Sara Merryweather of Tampa, Florida prefers it that way and instructs me to do so.
Have you called Mrs. Merryweather lately?
03-18-2012, 10:45 PM
Yes, but she's not pleased because I called her a turkey. :embarrassed:
Should I call her a hippopotamus?
03-18-2012, 10:47 PM
You should call her what feels natural to you, so you should call her an apple dumpling.
Do you like apple dumplings?
03-18-2012, 10:48 PM
Apple dumplings are God's gift to mankind.
What are God's gift to womankind?
03-18-2012, 10:49 PM
The Woody Allen movie "Annie Hall".
What should we learn from Woody Allen movies?
03-18-2012, 10:51 PM
Girls are prettier. Boys are merrier.
Should girls be trusted? :suspicious:
03-18-2012, 10:52 PM
Girls should be closely watched at all times from behind a barbed wire fence.
Can you give me a barbed wire fence?
03-18-2012, 10:55 PM
Will you accept a barbed wired text instead?
Doesn't that work just as well?
03-18-2012, 10:59 PM
Using the power of the mind, anything is possible.
Is it possible that anything is possible?
03-18-2012, 11:01 PM
It is impossible that anything is not possible.
Why go great minds think alike?
03-18-2012, 11:16 PM
Because the other one is my identical twin.
Do you have an identical twin?
03-18-2012, 11:19 PM
I bump into my twin every time I look in the mirror.
03-18-2012, 11:26 PM
I've never looked into a mirror in my life.
What would happen if we could pass through mirrors?
03-18-2012, 11:32 PM
We would get splinters made of glass.
Can you see through this question to the purpose behind it?
03-18-2012, 11:43 PM
All the time, buddy. All the time.
What is the purpose of your question?
To get an answer.
What is the purpose of bars?
03-19-2012, 12:10 AM
They're located next to Abby's Irish Bar and Grill on 129th Street.
Why are streets numbered?
03-19-2012, 12:51 AM
Because they are conforming trend-followers.
How do you dig out a corpse from a cemetery?
You do a movie remake of an older television show or movie.
What's the current state of pop culture?
03-19-2012, 01:46 AM
California, at least in its opinion.
Is pop culture cultured?
03-19-2012, 05:48 AM
Yes. They are cultured from tissue cultures.
Are those easily obtained?
03-19-2012, 08:07 AM
Verily, though not as easy as inanity from 54th Street (these days).
Is war rational?
03-19-2012, 09:41 AM
It's as easy as pi, so I'd argue they're related.
Why shouldn't we torture our wartime enemies?
03-19-2012, 09:54 AM
Because you and your brother need to learn to share the toys instead of fighting.
What toys are worth fighting over?
03-19-2012, 10:07 AM
The cheap ones from McDonalds' Happy Meals.
What would be a better prize instead?
03-19-2012, 11:10 AM
A talking chicken that has X-ray vision.
Are we in a good economy or bad economy?
03-19-2012, 08:49 PM
It's an economy that needs a timeout in the corner followed by a talking to.
What makes an economy go bad?
It's freedom to be distributed to people that imprison it.
What's the latest trend?
03-19-2012, 09:00 PM
Square wheels. In fact it has been so late in catching on, that it hasn't happened yet.
Is optimism catching?
No, it's throwing.
Where is the third eye located?
03-19-2012, 09:16 PM
The Third Man hid it.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, where is ugliness?
03-19-2012, 11:12 PM
Is it true that a woman must speak at least 40,000 words a day?
03-19-2012, 11:23 PM
Only if she wants to avoid having sex with her husband.
Is time linear?
03-19-2012, 11:25 PM
Time is impatient. That's because it waits for no man.
Will time wait for a woman?
03-19-2012, 11:28 PM
Yes because women defy the space-time continuum and all logic.
Are women illogical?
03-19-2012, 11:37 PM
Women are beyond illogical.
Will I get in trouble for saying that?
03-19-2012, 11:42 PM
You've been fined $5,000.
Do you have $5,000?
03-19-2012, 11:49 PM
I have 5,000 of everything.
Why does onions make you weep?
03-19-2012, 11:53 PM
Because onions cost a fortune nowadays and it's sad just seeing them.
Do you have a fortune nowadays?
My fortune cookie hasn't crumbled yet.
What's the latest news on the political spectrum?
03-19-2012, 11:56 PM
I had a fortune thoseadays which multipied into pitter-pattering fortunelettes nowadays.
Do you compute?
03-20-2012, 12:18 AM
I'm on the Internet, so no, I don't compute.
Are there nets in the Internets?
03-20-2012, 12:23 AM
Absolutely ... and psst!! There are viruses too!
Have you ever met an internet virus?
03-20-2012, 07:59 AM
Sure, once I was at this bar on 42nd St and this drunk woman walked up to me.... To make a long story short, I got an Internet virus.
How do you make a long story short?
03-20-2012, 08:01 AM
^^Yup. He gave my computer a nasty rash.
^Cut out the beginning and middle. People can iNtuit what happened.
If you get an internet virus from a porn site, is that an STD?
03-20-2012, 11:15 AM
No, you won't go on short-term disability.
What does LTD stand for?
03-20-2012, 11:57 AM
It stands for whatever I say it stands for.
What happens when you dial 867-5309?
03-20-2012, 12:27 PM
Mrs. Henrietta Buttersworth of Lexington, Kentucky answers the phone and asks you why you like listening to all this crazy music.
Why is music sometimes crazy?
03-20-2012, 12:30 PM
Too much LDS back in the '60s.
Which Star Trek movie was the best one?
03-20-2012, 12:55 PM
The one where the kid learned karate from the old man.
What is karate?
03-20-2012, 01:12 PM
It involves Asians and bad singing.
What was your favorite movie from the 1980s?
03-20-2012, 01:32 PM
"The Adventures of Tommy Tank and the Mysterious Plum Pudding"
Why do movies not exist sometimes?
03-20-2012, 06:52 PM
when movies are about real life, and real people watch them, it creates a vortex that sucks everything into an unending swirl of chaos, confusion, and low quality asian karaoke.
what is the investment value of a plowshare?
03-20-2012, 07:07 PM
If Babe Ruth was so great, why is Honus Wagner's baseball card (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 15 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) worth more?
03-20-2012, 07:22 PM
because the roman catholic nuns are greedy as hell capitalists.
what is so special about breeding peas in a monastery?
03-20-2012, 07:26 PM
Leviticus says yellow peas are an abomination, so monks must find the greenest peas possible.
How often should I wash my hair?
03-20-2012, 07:28 PM
Well, you don't have hair, so never.
Why are people bald?
03-20-2012, 07:34 PM
*imagine a pie chart:
2% ....hair eaten by insects
7% ....hair dissolved by spilt cola
91% ..acetylene torch accidents
what is in the middle of the jungle?
03-20-2012, 07:35 PM
Is it a jungle out there?
03-20-2012, 07:36 PM
only if you sell vacuum cleaners door to door
what is mother of pearl?
03-20-2012, 07:38 PM
I think it's rude to address Pearl's mom as a "what" instead of "who".
Didn't your mother teach you manners?
03-20-2012, 07:43 PM
nope. my learning camed from them good people at the shelter, what with they're books and whatnot.
what do pioneer, klipsh and kenwood have in common?
They're all condiments you can add to the outside of your car to attract attention for under 10000 dollars.
Where is the rock star located in the sky?
03-20-2012, 07:57 PM
The rock star is suckling at the Milky Way.
How much milk is required by a rock star?
The rock star is required to breastfeed continuously to keep it from shooting.
How is speed limit determined?
03-20-2012, 08:28 PM
Time taken for the shooting to reach the target.
What sort of target are we talking about?
03-21-2012, 12:24 AM
We're talking about the sales target you agreed to meet at the start of your employment here at Jkatra Investment Advisory Services.
Are you a good salesperson?
03-21-2012, 10:18 AM
No, I'm more of a cautionary tale.
Can sales skills be taught or are you born with them?
03-21-2012, 12:25 PM
You are born with a silver spoon in your mouth, so unfortunately you have no selling skills.
Why are spoons not like forks?
Because forks were designed by serial killers employed by the CIA to cut down the prison population.
How come murder during war is legal?
03-21-2012, 04:42 PM
it was part of the missouri compromise; one side asked for rape to be allowed during mayhem, and the other side asked for murder to be legal during war. ron paul suggested pot be legal while closing down whole branches of government, but no one took him seriously.
what can i do with a dead 8 oz goldfish?
03-21-2012, 04:59 PM
A better question is what can't you do with a dead 8 oz goldfish. So you need to learn how to ask better questions.
What is a good question to ask?
03-21-2012, 05:05 PM
what is a good question to ask.
what is a good question to ask?
i feel like i just sold my soul
03-21-2012, 05:32 PM
Where do babies come from?
Why does the sun burn my skin?
03-21-2012, 05:34 PM
You shouldn't have talked the way you did to the sun the other day, so the sun isn't happy right now and is going to intimidate and burn you until things settle down.
Where are the suburbs located?
03-21-2012, 06:35 PM
It's a mystery. Some think all the Earth is a suburb, but I don't know how any self-respecting suburbanite could allow their neighborhood to get so flooded.
If a woman asks me out, how do I destroy the attraction that she has for me?
03-21-2012, 07:31 PM
To do that you need to look at it from the woman's point of view, so obtain her eyeballs.
Is everything dependent on your point of view?
Everything w/in my determined perspective.
Why don't people use pogo sticks anymore?
03-21-2012, 09:12 PM
Once people started using them as spears, all the fun vanished very quickly.
Where is the fun nowadays?
Its hidden inside micro-compartments of emotional high definition neurotransmitter firing with a refresh rate of 999Hz.
Why should a person spend more than 50 dollars on any article of clothing?
03-21-2012, 09:30 PM
Sometimes, diamond underpants are the only way a person can attract a mate. Or so I've heard...
Why don't people look each other in the eyes when kissing passionately?
03-21-2012, 10:07 PM
They've sold their souls to obtain hedonistic pleasure, so avoid eye contact due to the guilt.
What is a soul?
It's what begins to fade once you hit puberty.
What is flesh?
03-21-2012, 10:44 PM
This lice is. Leally, tlust me!
How many baby pokes does it take to puncture an average human skull?
03-21-2012, 11:11 PM
only one, when the baby is made of pure diamond and has a chisel for a hand
what is the purpose of the great barrier reef?
03-22-2012, 01:01 AM
Hmph, great, that's a laugh. To think only two decades ago it was just a snotty little anemone that'd gotten lost on its way to Antarctica.
How do I tickle someone's brain?
03-22-2012, 01:06 AM
with a french tickler of course,
Is there any other way?
03-22-2012, 01:34 AM
a) My way
Personally I'd only take the highway if I had official proof of my glaucoma.
What's the highest decibel level that can be achieved by tearing a single piece of paper?
03-22-2012, 02:51 AM
back in the 60's they measured paper tears in decibels; now we know it is more useful to measure that sound in hertz. standard copier paper tears at 3.72 hertz, which is known as Theta Range.
what is a binaural beat?
03-22-2012, 03:31 AM
Like so many new inventions, it was the result of a lonely, horny man's quest for companionship.
For might, for right, we are...?
03-22-2012, 05:36 AM
For might, for right, we are tax attorneys.
What are the components of Gross Domestic Product?
Ugly, convenient, disposable.
What's the best way to experience synesthesia?
03-22-2012, 08:13 AM
It looks->smells like you're already doing it.
How can I tell if a balloon is ready to mate?
03-22-2012, 09:18 AM
If it looks alluring between your sheets, it is ready.
Why all fascinating colors turn into dull shades of brown if you mix them?
03-22-2012, 09:42 AM
Maybe if you'd stop using your toilet bowl as a canvas...
Why are wines corked?
03-22-2012, 11:00 AM
Because they're made in Florida and Floridians cork everything.
What is the mathematical formula for true love?
03-22-2012, 11:01 AM
The cork tree acts as a natural deterrent for Daniel Radcliffe, there's nothing more tragic than Harry Potter all wasted on booze and hookers
what are the components of a great cocktail?
03-22-2012, 11:11 AM
Yay Wiki! (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 15 or greater. You currently have 0 posts._and_characteristics)
Parts of a feather:
5. Hollow shaft, calamus
Why did it become unfashionable to have some martinis at lunch during the week?
03-22-2012, 11:22 AM
Because beer is cheaper.
How many shots are in some of those mixed drinks, anyway?
03-22-2012, 11:31 AM
Smurf. What? it's like a wildcard answer - it can mean whatever you want it to mean.
What will replace emoticons in future text messaging?
03-22-2012, 11:32 AM
What would happen if we took electronic entertainment away from kids?
03-22-2012, 11:33 AM
there are a limited amount of shots in a mixed drink - the clip only hold six bullets
what are alternatives are there to bullets?
03-22-2012, 11:34 AM
Would it create jobs?
03-22-2012, 11:56 AM
Yes, but every job would require a master's degree and 15 years of experience.
Why do colleges continue to offer liberal arts degrees?
03-22-2012, 12:14 PM
Because the future generation has to combat the conservative arts.
Why are so few software upgrades markedly better than their predecessors?
03-22-2012, 12:18 PM
Because you're just never happy with ANYTHING, are you?
What will entertainment look like in 20 years?
03-22-2012, 12:21 PM
Like the rest of us, a bit saggier, greyer and wrinklier.
How is coffee decaffeinated?
03-22-2012, 12:26 PM
It's all decaf - any "rush" is just a placebo effect.
Why can't customers just say small, medium, and large like everyone else?
03-22-2012, 12:27 PM
Because you keep punching them in the face and their mouths are all swollen up.
Do you know anyone who has run away with the circus?
03-22-2012, 12:31 PM
Actually yes, I do know some Republican voters.
If a Republican gains the presidency this year, how will the world end?
03-22-2012, 12:58 PM
It will end in a coffee cafe with quiet discussion and philosophical musings.
Why are elephants so big?
03-22-2012, 03:46 PM
Elephants are so big because they have to be able to pull off such long noses.
Why are people afraid of vegetables?
03-22-2012, 03:53 PM
Because the vegetables have been responsible for numerous crimes against humanity and various food groups.
What are the basic food groups?
03-22-2012, 04:33 PM
2 poultry asparagus
3 milk-colored asparagus
4 breath mints
what is the difference between ceiling paint and tapioca?
03-22-2012, 04:43 PM
Ceiling paint is for people just getting started who are amateurs, while tapioca is only for those people with the most experience and advanced expertise.
How do you know when you're an expert at something?
03-22-2012, 04:44 PM
the people who are not experts clamor for your taxes to go up.
why did shag carpet lose popularity?
03-22-2012, 04:51 PM
It won many votes in the electoral college but unfortunately lost the popular vote.
Will things get better over time?
03-22-2012, 05:24 PM
No. The sky is falling and the world is going to Hell.
Why does poop smell bad?
03-22-2012, 05:30 PM
in it's natural state, smoking a lump of poop is much more satisfying than having a cigarette. we all know how devious Big Tobacco is; but who would've dreamed they would poison every single food source to make poop smell bad enough to keep us from smoking it?
what made howard cosell talk so funny?
03-22-2012, 05:37 PM
Smoking all those poisoned turds ruined his vocal cords.
What are hotdogs made of?
03-22-2012, 05:42 PM
Where do cats come from?
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