I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game

[GenessorDios]

Check your hair, you always forget to check your hair.

How much should I charge someone for borrowing my bicycle?

[Minerva]

Ask them for brownie points by the hour

What was the worst day of your life?

[reiven]

december 7, 2022

where did you get that tie?

[Minerva]

It was a gift.

Tie pin or cufflinks?

[GenessorDios]

Doesn't look like you need either.

Is it safe to have whiskey and then tango over in foxtrot?

[reiven]

braided raw asparagus

what does one's handwriting tell you about them?

[Minerva]

How tall they are. Gravity affects the hand a lot.

Where did braided raw asparagus come from?

[GenessorDios]

From Triumph the insult comic bra!

Why has no one invented a lighthouse windmill?

[Nikita]

didn't you know that precise invention was actually the culprit in the whole titanic incident?


Where is Waldo?

[Distance]

Confession time, I flushed Waldo down the toilet. Sorry.

Why do we only have four fingers?

[Nikita]

Because we evolved from the 2 toed sloth and 5 fingers was just too much to ask of evolution.


Why do you name your poop Waldo?

[Distance]

Waldo = poop

hence

poop = Waldo

If a robin trills twice, what does this mean?

[Nikita]

The redcoats are coming! The redcoats are coming!


Why should you never count your chickens before they're hatched?

[GenessorDios]

What if three chicks came out of one egg? That would mess up your count completely.

Can someone tell me how to work this damn VCR?

[Nikita]

Have you tried pressing the big red button that says "CAUTION: Do Not Press!"?


What is chess?

[GenessorDios]

A game of wits, skill and luck. Not unlike "The floor is lava".

What does paprika taste like?

[Nikita]

salty licorice balls


How does your garden grow?

[Yhor]

by planting hair balls.

why is the word 'balls' so funny when said in public?


..hehe.. you said bawls.. hehe..

[Nikita]

because no one has them...it's the great joke on humanity


What does antifreeze taste like?

[reiven]

if you drink enough, it tastes just like clean water.
to get that effect, you need to drink at least 1.5 liters

what makes highlighters see-through?

[hutbug]

They understand how to use their eyes!

Why is wasting time so much fun?

[reiven]

it's complicated and involves the jet stream and particulate matter from japan.

how many chocolate chips is enough for an average cookie?

[EmmaKynikos]

one.

how do sneezes work?

[reiven]

north american sneezes tend to be unionized, and will strike for almost any reason
soviet sneezes pretend to work, and the government pretends to pay them
asian sneezes have an incredibly high work ethic, and set the bar for the rest of us.

where do most crumudgeons live?

[Nikita]

crumudgeons have conquered the land of curmudgeons and are currently plotting a takeover of liverpool


What's the best joke?

[reiven]

. .
wait for it...

where is the best place to get a reuben?

[Nikita]

from a rheumatoid arthritis patient b/c they can't fight back


Who cuts your hair?

[reiven]

Madonna

what is the perfect dog breed?

[Minerva]

Define perfect.

What is the longest you can go without breathing?

[reiven]

2 days, 3 hours and 22 minutes

where is the safest place to be in a hurricane?

[Minerva]

On the other side of the approaching winds.

What should you be doing now, but are on INTJf instead?

[reiven]

sewing my index finger back on

what is the highest number you can count to?

[Minerva]

negative infinity

Why do we have 5 digits on each hand?

[reiven]

because five is the number of the devil (pentagram) and we are basically hellions on earth.

where do onions go when they die?

[jonnyb]

They loose their bitterness and become funnions.

How much garlic will I have to eat to be able to be in the sun with out burning?

[GenessorDios]

What kind of a question is that? You don't give me your molecular weight, your garlic per liter count, the solar intensity, nothing! Have you even set an exam question before?

If humans were to become extinct, which animal would take over as the head honchos of the world?

[MassHysteria]

Animals wouldn't take over at all. All your Earths are belong to Kudzu.

What's the hottest trend in jewelry this summer?

[GenessorDios]

Sticking your entire forearm into molten gold and then immediately dunking it into a sackful of solitaire diamonds.

How deep is the Hudson River?

[MassHysteria]

As deep as fourteen Jimmy Hoffas stacked end to end.

What are the twelve secret herbs and spices in the KFC fried chicken recipe?

[GenessorDios]

No one's supposed to know about the secret, secret twelfth ingredient!! :stunned:

I'd lock my doors if I were you.

Where do serial killers go to buy their equipment?

[MassHysteria]

Hobby Lobby. Same place as all the one-time killers.

How do you repair a broken window?

[GenessorDios]

The secret to repairing a broken window, or any piece of furniture, is to make yourself depressed until you don't care about whatever was in need of repair.

In this case, broken windows create glass shards. Use this to your advantage! Cut yourself with the shards while crying to yourself that your mom never loved you and that even lab rats were glad they didn't have your life. Be creative! Soon you will realize that your original problem is the furthest thing from your mind.

What should I do with all my leftover CD-Rs?

[Yhor]

make them into chinese throwing stars to throw at bluebirds (all things "happy").

Why do people insist on others acting happy?

[GenessorDios]

It's just a downer when people do any of the other six.

Is evil inherent in humans or is it a learned trait?

[Nikita]

it's a product of the bunny revolution


How is honey made?

[GenessorDios]

Honey is not made, Nikita. It is a finite resource and supply has been dwindling ever since humans began mass consumption. It is extracted from the depths of the planet itself; sucked straight from the core up through tree trunks before they seep out through the pores. Bees then find such honeyspots and build a hive around them to taste its sweet nectar. As usual, those bastard bees take all the credit, claiming they're the ones who create it. Don't believe the lies! See the truth for yourself at Don't bee fooled (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 15 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.).

How many guns are used in a 21 gun salute?

[WoodsWoman]

Eleven shooting in unison 1.5 times.

Why are some roses more highly scented than others?

[Thirdie]

Because bunnies peed on those that have a stronger scent - don't let the good odour fool you.

What is so particular about Sprite (the soft drink)?

[Stratego]

Nothing. It's just a toned down Ginger Ale for pussies. ;)

What makes soda pop fizz?

[Synchronicity]

Pop Rocks.

What makes volcanoes erupt?

[GenessorDios]

Gaia only gets her rocks off once every couple of months. Molten hot rocks in fact.

Can I kill my boss so I can go home and get some sleep with no consequences?

[Akzis]

Killing your boss would cause consequences.

Magic crystal ball, am I an ENTP or an INTJ?

[GenessorDios]

*listens*

He says it depends how high you are.

Who first discovered how to make tea?

[Stratego]

The first guy that tried to smoke 'em. The leaves, that is. When that didn't work, he thought he'd try ingesting it instead. ;)

Where do tea leaves grow?

[jonnyb]

Between S and U spores.

Why are certain beers only good depending upon what mood I am in?

[Synchronicity]

Your mood produces a variable electromagnetic field that causes the hops in the beer to align with it.

Why can light go through windows but not walls?

[Minerva]

Because windows are porous, duh!

Where can one get a really good burger?

[jonnyb]

The left nostril.

How can I get my mother to keep her dr appointments?

[GenessorDios]

By stop being a disappointment. *oh snap!*

Is pain relative?

[Minerva]

Yes, he's your uncle right?

What is the best time to go to a football game?

[Synchronicity]

After it's over.

What causes baldness?

[Minerva]

Looking into the mirror.

Why does Synchronicity have a pipe? What's wrong with cigarettes or cigars?

[GenessorDios]

Follicular demotivation.

Just like an ice cream cone, he likes to eat the pipe after he smokes.

What should I have for my last meal?

[Minerva]

Zinc and copper alloy

When was the last time you had a good time?

[GenessorDios]

Why, at your party of course! =)

What month was Adam's birthday?

[Minerva]

Serptember.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[GenessorDios]

He was wondering the same thing himself after waking up on the other side with a hangover and "Chicken'sEggzRulz" shaved into his butt feathers. The general consensus is drugs.

Why does chicken taste so darn good?

[Minerva]

Because you haven't tasted duck yet.

Why did video kill the radio star?

[GenessorDios]

That's not a fact and it's never been proven! You better use 'allegedly' while the lawsuit is pending if you don't want to get your ass sued!

What is white gold made of?

[Minerva]

It is normal gold that has been placed in a concentrated Sodium Hypochlorite solution for 48 hours.

What is black gold?

[GenessorDios]

Up until the 60s, it was normal gold that had been placed in a concentrated Sodium Hypochlorite solution for 28.8 hours.

Is it possible to literally stare death in the eye?

[Stratego]

It is possible to stare death in it's orbit, but not the eye. :toff:

Why are death and taxes so certain?

[aok]

Because you trust in their reality

Is laziness the root cause of cynicism?

[GenessorDios]

I don't know, why don't you ask your face! Hahahaha!

....

You know, because of the lazy eye.

What would be a good name for a fine dining cannibal restaurant? And would a good waiter offer himself as the day's special?

[Nikita]

Waiter Suicides


Why do people become cannibals?

[jonnyb]

If you can't beat them or join them, EAT them!

Why are black roses so pretty?

[nat]

Because teenage girl magazines have doomed all roses ugly except black ones.

How can I stand the pain of the hole in my gum, place where my teeth have been?

[Nikita]

just stuff some rock salt in there and cover it up with super glue


Do you like going to the dentist?

[nat]

Oh yes, since I can smuggle all of his high quality metallic tools, dissolve it altogether for my secret weapons stored underground.

Aren't dentists fun?

[Nikita]

The bigger the drill the better!


What are fillings made of?

[GenessorDios]

The reason I've heard most often is "I guess I'm just a people person.". 5 posts too late....

Cat fur and gypsum.

When will someone start a Penultimate Fighting Championship?

[reiven]

when Kip Dynamite comes out of retirement.

how do i handle the itch in the center of my back?

[GenessorDios]

A knife, a mirror, bandages and liquid courage. You can't get itches on the center of your back if you don't have a center of your back.

Are there any chemicals that have apple juice as their active ingredient?

[reiven]

drano was originally an apple juce derivative

should i resume karate classes?

[GenessorDios]

That depends, do they still need a janitor?

[Minerva]

Wasn't that job taken by you?

What is the best way to get a wine stain out from carpet?

[MassHysteria]

Get a straw and keep sucking.

Why is it taking so long for the drug store to finish developing my photos?

[GenessorDios]

They can't tell if your abstract pictures are meant to look that way or if they're affected by their 'medication'.

Hey! Have you heard about the word?

[Minerva]

No, I have not.

What word would that be?

[GenessorDios]

Sandwiches.

Why do rich people not simply give their money to the poor to solve the financial crisis?

[Minerva]

Because they like the financial crisis. Makes them richer.

How do I become a rich man's wife?

[GenessorDios]

Kill all the other women in the world. You'll be the only one left up for grabs and will be bid and won by the wealthiest pervert in the world.

How do they get those little spheres into the tip of pens?

[Minerva]

By rubbing the pens the wrong way.

If we went on a date, where would you take me?

[GenessorDios]

How about a lovely boat ride along the river Styx?

Why do ants always appear even when there aren't any food products around?

[Minerva]

Because they are after that drool you produce every time you see me or think about me.

What is the most romantic thing you ever did?

[GenessorDios]

Made a Valentine's Day paper airplane and flew it into the eye of a girl. Boy I tell you, get someone hospitalized for a measly six weeks and all of a sudden you're the worst person in the world. Some people are just too hard to please.

What are the ingredients of a margarita?

[Minerva]

Esso oil, petrol and diesel with a touch of Angostura bitters.

Where can I find a good handyman?

[GenessorDios]

I think they're selling them in Walmarts now.

What color shoes go best with lederhosen?

[Minerva]

The colour of Bavarina Cream, obviously!

Why is it considered a bad thing to shop at Walmart?

[jonnyb]

Walmart absorbs 1 IQ point each time you walk through the doors. That IQ point automatically transfers to the door greater. Notice that each time you go back, there is a different greater and a new poster of the employee the store sent to college.

How is the best way to get a royal flush?

[WoodsWoman]

Shop at Buckingham Palace.

Where can I find the best prices on good scotch?

[Hjordis]

I hear JC Penny's is having a sale on scotch.

Why is it still snowing?

[Minerva]

Because you're one of Santa's helpers and you live at the North Pole. DUH!!!

Why is the Earth not the center of the Universe?

[Malefic]

Because the Sun is.

How do rabbits multiply so rapidly?

[Nikita]

double vision


Why are rabbits' ears so long?

[reiven]

the better to hear you with, my dear

why didn't little red riding hood carry a gun?

[WoodsWoman]

The silly twit thought she could talk her way out of anything.

Why would bears like porridge?

[ptrout]

Cause its not too hot, or too cold...its just right

Why do rhinos stamp out fires ?

[reiven]

because only rhinos are allowed an open flame in the wild, and they are Smokey the Bear Nazis about it.

what made Vivaldi so good?

[Stratego]

A dash of ceyeene pepper, garlic, and a little white wine. Yum.

Why do wine tasters spit?

[Minerva]

Into the food meant for the food tasters.

Why can't we all just get along?

[Eye on Earth]

Into the food meant for the food tasters.

Why can't we all just get along?

Brilliant sunshine.

Does Minerva dig me or what?

[GenessorDios]

Because some people perpetually confuse 'where' with 'why'.

Yes, a six footer right on your lawn.

Why do I feel hungry?

[WoodsWoman]

Because of metal fatigue.

What is the point where order and chaos meet?

[Eye on Earth]

Because of metal fatigue.

What is the point where order and chaos meet?

Wendy's! Whoops, ah, I meant to say in the constellation Canis Major.

Why am I drooling?

[Minerva]

Obviously because you saw Minerva.

Where is Eye on Earth's other eye?

[Eye on Earth]

Obviously because you saw Minerva.

Where is Eye on Earth's other eye?

Between the triangle of the points formed by your feet and your nose and the vastness of space! Hi Minerva!!!

Why can't I get this blue glow to go away?

[Minerva]

Because you think that Minerva likes blue eyes. *Hello EOE*

What is the last good book you read?

[Eye on Earth]

Because you think that Minerva likes blue eyes. *Hello EOE*

What is the last good book you read?

The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Feng Shui.

Do whales drink water?

[Minerva]

Yes, through their gills.

How can I be a gold digger and not be found out?

[Eye on Earth]

Yes, through their gills.

How can I be a gold digger and not be found out?

Hide your treasures in the pockets of eternity.

If I am going light speed and want to stop, does my light go out?

[Minerva]

No since your light speed is actually the speed of sound. *oh snap*

What are the colours of the rainbow?

[GenessorDios]

Depends on how much the leprechaun's been drinking.

What time do birds get up?

[Minerva]

Define bird please.

What time do owls get up?

[Eye on Earth]

Define bird please.

What time do owls get up?

When the leprechaun spills his little pot of gold on them.

Do owls pee standing up?

[Minerva]

Wouldn't you like to know?

Has EOE been reading the game threads like an academic journal?

[GenessorDios]

Wouldn't you like to know?

Wouldn't you like to know?

[Minerva]

No, not really.

What are you wearing under all that metal?

[GenessorDios]

*opens*

See for yourself. Yup, that's right, it's all empty. This is not a trick, ladies and gentlemen. I am a real life fantasy automaton.

How do I convince my hair to stop growing after a certain length?

[Minerva]

Pffffft! What hair?

Should we get GD a weave?

[GenessorDios]

What happened to my bob?

Wide dew pee pearl half bat grandma?

[Minerva]

Never learned the ins and outs of the English language I see...

What do you want for your birthday?

[GenessorDios]

The wisdom to know what's right and the courage to do it.

Also, money.

When will the next meteor shower occur?

[Eye on Earth]

The wisdom to know what's right and the courage to do it.

Also, money.

When will the next meteor shower occur?

When Kenny doesn't get killed on South Park.

Why does Superman wear his underwear on the outside of his tights?

[Minerva]

He thinks the ladies like him better when he does that.

Which superhero did you want to grow up to be?

[GenessorDios]

Al Gore. *Fwoooosshhhh*

How do people come up with their signatures?

[aok]

subliminal inspirations from previous experience in scribble scrabble

Why individually sign when you could just duplicate John Hancock's?

[GenessorDios]

He gets pissed if you don't send your royalty cheques on time.

Why don't computers start using a ternary system to increase efficiency by 50%?

[Minerva]

Because efficiency can only improve by multiples of three.

How do you want to die?

[Cooper]

Attacked by a killer pizza.

Why is it still winter weather?

[hutbug]

Because you pissed off the God of Winter. What did you do?!?

Why is shopping for clothes so horrible?

[jonnyb]

Most people would naturally run around naked. It is a remnant of evolution that anything to do with clothes is a turn off, especially shopping for them.

Why don't people dare to go back to their roots and live life without clothes?

[Synchronicity]

Because one afternoon of frying bacon on a griddle is all it takes to remind people why clothes have their advantages.

Why do people plant grass in front of their houses?

[jonnyb]

So they can show their neighbors how much better they are via the lawn appearance.

Which direction does pooh in the toilet swirl in the Southern Hemisphere?

[Cooper]

Up, then to the left at a 46% angle.

What time is too late to care?

[jonnyb]

It was too late to care long before the invention of dirt.

What would the likelyhood of a flash flood be if everyone on the planet stood on Mt hood and peed at the same time?

[Cooper]

Slim. But there would be a lot of yellow snow.

Where does time fly to?

[GenessorDios]

To Always Always Land.

Why isn't my birthday celebrated with more fanfare, say on a national scale?

[Nikita]

because it is a holy day for opus dei and they have mandated secrecy and composure rule that day


Where did the idea for mythical creatures originate?

[Synchronicity]

People were tired of their boring old pets and wished for something that could breathe fire.

Why do people get tattoos?

[GenessorDios]

Eggs.

Can I have some?

[Cooper]

Maybe.

Why does it seem like the game threads have a life of their own?

[WoodsWoman]

You weren't aware of the AI development in the background?

Why isn't my other paper done yet?

[Cooper]

The tree is still standing.

Why have I not found something to eat, yet?

[GenessorDios]

You haven't looked in your fridge.

Where do clouds come from?

[Minerva]

Clouds are cotton beds made by the cotton spinning angels for souls on their way to heaven. Heaven is a far away place and souls have to overnight on clouds before they complete their journey to heaven.

Why does the stork bring twins and triplets to some women but only single babies to others?

[Cooper]

Sparrows can't carry that much weight.

Why does medium rare steak taste so good?

[Minerva]

Because it is well done, duh!

Why would anyone want their beef to be still mooing when it is on their plate?

*Have a goodnight!*

[GenessorDios]

The moos are juicy.

Are you alive?

[WoodsWoman]

That is a very good question.

Am I?

[Cooper]

Yuppers.

what is the meaning of peach?

[WoodsWoman]

42

Why is everything so confusing?

[Akzis]

The cow goes moo.

Does it?

[WoodsWoman]

It jumps over the moon.

Whoever dreamed up the term 'butterfly'?

[Nikita]

the person who invented fly butter


Why do people mash potatoes?

[WoodsWoman]

So they can eat them with a spoon.

Why do dogs drool so much?

[Stratego]

'Cause it makes rocks, TV remotes, plastic chew toys, feces and commercial dog food slide down that much easer.

Why does dog food smell good but taste so bad?

[Cooper]

Because you didn't use the spoon.

Why do cats meow?

[aok]

to get marines to put down their swords

why do trees bark?

[ptrout]

The mail man approaches....

Why did I just lose the game ?

[Synchronicity]

Because winning would cause the world to end.

Why is Photoshop considered the paragon of photo editing software?

[Seriously]

Because it has both "photo" and "shop" in the name. Photo being what you are working with and shop being the place where you get everything you need. What more could you possibly ask for?

How do you get twins?

[jonnyb]

Take your child to meet King Solomon

Where do gummy worms come from?

[WoodsWoman]

The coagulation of spilled blood.

Why is a pitman arm called a pitman arm?

[jonnyb]

Because pitwoman arm sounds dirty.

Why do people waste a text to say 'thanx'?

[Cooper]

Pavlov.

Where is 100 miles from nowhere?

[jonnyb]

Somewhere.

What do worms do if they get constipated?

[MassHysteria]

Let it build up until they're nice and swollen, then head to the nearest Red Lobster and pass themselves off as shrimp.

Why doesn't he call? *sniff*

[jonnyb]

He decappitated his fingers and can't dial the phone right. He accidentally called the forign Legion and inadvertantly signed up. They straightway picked him up to begin his tour of service. He'll be back in a few years.

What is a good thing to do with food that has someone else's hair in it?

[Nikita]

plant it and grow a hair & food tree - in one fell swoop you can end world hunger and support the hair extension industry thereby making a killing


What is the significance of the black and white cookie?

[Cooper]

Milk sponge.

Why is it dark at night?

[reiven]

it's complicated; but if you think of the draw-curtains that they had in the sleeping cars of old trains; it's a lot like that.

why is it that milk does a body good?

[Cooper]

Ever seen a pissed off cow?

Where is neverneverland?

[GenessorDios]

If you would only shut your eyes,
jettison the superfluous cares in your life,
maybe then you would realize,
it's been inside you all along.

Or just use Google Maps like I do.

Who determines precisely how long a second lasts?

[reiven]

there is a special time piece in an area of Nevada, just below Groom lake.

can i train my eyes to diverge, and see two things at once?

[GenessorDios]

You need training for that? I suppose if you weren't built with that ability like I was, you can't learn it. We can't all be perfect you know.

Why do people laugh when I geek out on games yet they find it perfectly acceptable to do the same with fashion trends?

[MassHysteria]

Because we are genetically programed to reach for the newest ways to make ourselves pretty, and you are not genetically programed for anything. You don't even have any genes, Bender, so what are you complaining about?

Why am I suddenly getting so much attention from so many ESF_ males?

[Minerva]

Because INTx males are stupid!

Why do some guys think it is a good thing to catcall to women?

[MassHysteria]

Because only dogs chase pussy so catcalls are required.

How can I save some money on my utilities?

[jonnyb]

Transfer your bills into someone else's name.

Where can I find a good beef briscut?

[Minerva]

Oh a horse, of course!

Why do you like your steak medium rare?

[jonnyb]

Because I don't like chewing on the Mojave Desert.

Why do women and men highlight their hair?

[ptrout]

So they can find it later

Why do people have hair ?

[MassHysteria]

As proof that God loves women more than men. Our hair keeps the tops of our heads nice and safe from the sun, while men who bald must suffer. Hats are the devil's work, I tell you, the devil's!!

Should I move back to Chicago or stay in Tennessee?

[GenessorDios]

Maybe you should Tennessee the sights in Nashville before you Chicago back to Illinois.

Can I get a drink?

[WoodsWoman]

For me? Please do.

Why is it another chilly gloomy day?

[GenessorDios]

Oh, god. Yeah, he created the Earth and the heavens and the universe in six days but can't remember to turn off one damn a/c.

*beep*

What component in alcoholic beverages causes hangovers?

[Synchronicity]

Distilled shame.

Where do lost socks go?

[MassHysteria]

It used to be Sherry Lewis's Lamb Chop factory farm, but these days they wander around the old forest preserve and grow to enormous sizes.

What should I do about the bugs in the basement?

[Synchronicity]

Throw a kegger for them.

What are dreams made of?

[WoodsWoman]

Concrete blocks and taxidermists leftovers.

What gives good scotch such a nice bite?

[Synchronicity]

The sweat of Scotsmen.

Why is red hair the rarest color?

[MassHysteria]

Too many gingers die of fatal wedgies and double jock-locks in school to carry on the red hair gene.

Why do gentlemen prefer blondes?

[jonnyb]

Because real men prefer dark hair!

Why does it cause me a headache to sit on my ass all day?

[GenessorDios]

Hardly needs to be said now does it?

What's the average planetary temperature going to be in twenty years?

[Synchronicity]

Between 0 and 40 degrees Celsius, depending on which politician you talk to.

Why is our number system base 10?

[jonnyb]

Because the utilization of numerology doesn't work as well using haxamadecimal.

What would happen if or society adopted the practice of performing minor frontal lobotomies on all its citezens?

[MassHysteria]

In this country? I honestly don't see that making much of a difference.

What in the world is that rattling sound my car keeps making?

[jonnyb]

Rattlesnakes laid some eggs in your car last fall. I suppose the eggs are hatching now.

What would be the best use of Ascension day this Thursday?

[GenessorDios]

Same as any other Thursday. Try to take over the world.

Who was the world's first spy?

[reiven]

Absolutely, and Who's wife would often pick up his check when Who was on mission.

why do jumping beans jump?

[MassHysteria]

Because they're so excited to see you!!

How do you get candle wax out of carpet?

[Thirdie]

After cutting the carpet into small dices, make a pineapple/carpet salad then cristallize it. If it doesn't give you the expected result, you may be tempted to mix the latter with cream.

Why do lizards choose random locations to live in?

[MassHysteria]

Because they get such a thrill out of you moving some stones in the garden and squealing in surprise.

Should I wear the purple dress tomorrow, or the green one?

[Thirdie]

Eat a bunny, its spirit will tell you to choose the black one on sale at your local retail store; of course, that'd happen if it didn't have a shot of alcohol before dying, that is...

What does a bird do in its free time?

[MassHysteria]

Ponder what humans do in our free time.

What's the weather gonna be like tomorrow?

[Synchronicity]

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

Do pigs fly?

[ptrout]

Only first class, they can't stand the plebs in coach.

Where does soy milk come from ?

[unabridgedone]

The underworked udders of Spanish cows who refer to themselves in first person.

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

[EmmaKynikos]

peter, paul and mary

is sarcasm a valid form of humor?

[MassHysteria]

Only to those sharp enough to get it.

Can you handle the truth?

[EmmaKynikos]

only if it is covered with a decent helping of sarcasm.

why would anyone want to handle the truth?

[Minerva]

Well you can if you wear good oven mitts.

What is the hottest thing you ever saw?

[EmmaKynikos]

at the opening of the gates of hell, there was a small bonfire made from the falling of the World Trade Center.

Is cannibalism a good thing?

[Minerva]

Of course, it is the best way to get enough protein to double your height.

What is the meaning of life?

[EmmaKynikos]

rowing your boat, gently down the stream.

what is your favorite pastime?

[Minerva]

Getting all my work done on time.

Where can I get great shoes at an affordable price?

[EmmaKynikos]

walmart.

which came first the chicken or the egg?

[Minerva]

They both came into being at the same time.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[EmmaKynikos]

to move to a better neighborhood with less gang activity.

is it better to be just or merciful?

[Minerva]

Why ever bother. Being just and merciful is for wimps.

Why is justice considered blind?

[EmmaKynikos]

because justice can handle the truth.

why is a plane flying overhead?

[Minerva]

Because there was too much traffic in the sea.

What is the 8th Wonder of the World?

[EmmaKynikos]

my wit.

why do elephants have trunks?

[Minerva]

You mean like tree trunk? Pfffft! They are animals not plants!

What is the average size of a baby blue whale?

[EmmaKynikos]

it's big enough to fit in the palm of my hand.

why does she move in mysterious ways?

[Minerva]

To increase the sales of her mystery novel.

When did God become female?

[EmmaKynikos]

god is a hermaphadite

where have all the good times gone?

[Minerva]

They took Rolls Royce picked up the Cow who jumped over the moon and Swan who was once the Ugly Duckling and went to Mother Goose's

Why won't that white boy play that funky music?

[EmmaKynikos]

because urine does smell like asparagus.

what is deconstructionism?

[GenessorDios]

The Satanist analogue to civil engineers.

Why is the ceiling leaking?

[EmmaKynikos]

because god is pissing on your roof.

is it safe?

[jonnyb]

Only if you hold onto both bare wires while standing in a metal pail full of water.

How many beers can I drink?

[EmmaKynikos]

none, unless you want me to publish those photos again.

if honey comes from combs, what comes from brushes?

[Stratego]

A tingling feeling in your very special place...

What's the difference between a caress and a grope?

[AnnoyingPony]

Here's a hint: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE. :D

Why do teddy bears exist?

[ElfxSpice]

Teddy bears exist to trap the souls of dead demon bears. They are given a cute exterior for ultimate mocking.

What did you put in your pocket?

[jonnyb]

A note to myself letting me know how awesome I was last night?

What did you take out of your pocket?

[reiven]

a packet of expired Hellman's Mayonnaise with a juicebox straw attached.

what does viscosity mean?

[EmmaKynikos]

vicious speed.

why do leaves change color?