I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game

[EmmaKynikos]

tv is the best story medium ever invented. there are NO bad tv shows.

is it time to take a hike?

[GenessorDios]

Yes it is indeed time to hike up that skirt.

Is it alright to wear pyjama pants to work?

[EmmaKynikos]

it depends if it's snowing out or not.

why do flowers bloom?

[Synchronicity]

Because poets across the world would be lost for material if they didn't.

How is beer made?

[EmmaKynikos]

with orange juice and turpentine.

where's santa these days?

[Minerva]

In the Caribbean having drinks at the beach.

What is the easiest and fastest way to get rich?

[GenessorDios]

Get born with loads of money.

What is a weave?

[EmmaKynikos]

it's the movement of the ocean that form sand genitalia.

what color is the moon?

[Minerva]

The colour of the corpses you left lying around last night.

Why do you prefer swords?

[GenessorDios]

Yonic symbols just aren't as visually appealing.

Can someone else ask a question?

[jonnyb]

No, this thread is locked!

Why equip a Honda Civic with tires speed rated to 220mph?

[hutbug]

So they can void the warranty when you don't drive fast enough.

Why must we work to make money?

[jonnyb]

You are not seeing the whole picture...money makes us work because it is jealous it doesn't have legs.

How is the best way to make a decision between two options equally good but in different areas?

[GenessorDios]

Go to a crowded area. In the space of eight seconds, flip a coin, shoot randomly into the crowd, grab the coin and victim and scream at him "Heads or tails?!". Depending on his answer and if it matches your coin toss or not, you just do whichever option you want.

How can I learn to make Killer Origami?

[Seriously]

It's not made it's willed into existence. By pure evil.




How do you unscrew a life?

[Minerva]

With a screwdriver... How else?

How many tools are used by a wheat farmer per day on average?

[GenessorDios]

Not many, just you.

Who stole my cookie?

[Minerva]

I did!

What is the probability that a randomly selected robot is more than 50 years old?

[GenessorDios]

100% since I'm the only robot left in existence.

Can I have the cookie back?

[EmmaKynikos]

if the cookie deity has been appeased, of course you can. and may you have a bountiful harvest.

why is it overcast?

[Minerva]

Because the angels are having a bad day?

What is your favourite type of cookie?

[EmmaKynikos]

jekell and hyde.

do moths bawl?

[Minerva]

Yes, bawl all the time!

What is better than bowling?

[Cooper]

Elf bowling.

What is the meaning of death?

[GenessorDios]

24.

Is it wise to sleep 4 hours a night?

[Cooper]

Not all at once.

What is red and blue?

[GenessorDios]

*ERROR*

INTJf has detected a lifeform without sufficient IQ to post, please scan your college degree or your account will be deleted. You have fifteen minutes to comply.

[Nikita]

Self-analysis is an important tool.


What else passes as a tool around here?

[Reganon]

Well I would never go on INTJf without my eyelash curlers- they're so necessary!

How did Killer Whales get their name?

[Nikita]

people were suffocated by muumuus


What's the haps?

[Reganon]

It's an abbreviation for the restaurant chain that's been passed down through the Habsburg family since medieval times

What is the most gruesome form of medieval torture?

[GenessorDios]

The Iron Maiden. People just could not stand the falsettos and galloping bass.

Why do people think it weird that I eat lunch at my desk away from everyone else?

[Nikita]

Because robots should ingest water.


What is the best thing to juice in a juicer?

[Distance]

Large chunks of oak juice easily and taste delicious. Don't believe me, think Chardonnay and the flavour created by oak barrels.

If your brakes stop working while driving 100 mph on the highway, what should you do?

[Cooper]

throw it in reverse.

Why is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?

[jonnyb]

Distance/ color perception. The same effect with women who look good from afar but far from good.

What is the secret ingredientin Gossner shelf milk to keep it from spoiling for 9 months?

[Cooper]

worm pee

Where does evap milk come from?

[jonnyb]

Cows that are contented....After...well, this is a family forum. I shall restrain this time.

Why does Swiss chesse have holes in it?

[Cooper]

Lost mice with broken GPS

Why am I suddenly hungry?

[jonnyb]

Must have been the egg yolk thing too.

Why does 1/2 gallon of water and 6 beers = lots of pee?

[GenessorDios]

I guess you never saw that Discovery documentary about how animal piss has become the major ingredient in beer production? It's really a revolutionary process, lowers the cost manufacturing by almost 80%.

How do I entertain guests whom I hardly know?

[EmmaKynikos]

pass them a joint.

is carb loading bad for you?

[Nikita]

Of course, carbs are absolutely forbidden by the food pyramid!


Who is America's Most Wanted?

[GenessorDios]

The FBI lost their list when they fumigated their office. They're slowly rebuilding it from scratch now, starting from their HQ and expanding outwards. So far the number one on their list is Phil, the hobo who peed in an alley outside the building.

How do I summon Etrigan?

[Minerva]

You call his name and tell him that you will give him chocolate.

What is the last movie you enjoyed?

[IrishGuy]

The English Patient.

How do you dissect a fruit fly?

[jonnyb]

With a sledge hammer.

How so the trees know when to leave?

[EmmaKynikos]

the marshmellows fall from the sky.

who's my brother's keeper?

[jonnyb]

You are, you have the weapon.

Why do people wait for the absolute last minute to file their taxes?

[EmmaKynikos]

there is no hurry to file taxes. the deadline is arbitrary.

when's dinner being served?

[GenessorDios]

It was served three nights ago and we're still waiting for you to get here! Now would you kindly stop posing with the damn sword and sit at the table so we can eat, young lady!

Could you bring the salt on your way here?

[Distance]

No can do. We're out since some nimrod forgot to put the pan of milk into the sun today. No evaporation, no salt.

If 100 sense makes a dollar, why do a lot of people have no sense?

[Synchronicity]

Can't. It's busy making love to the pepper.

Could you spare 10 dollars?

[EmmaKynikos]

sorry, you are out of luck. i can only spare $20.

which came first, the chicken or the egg?

[GenessorDios]

I believe this issue was covered on Animal Planet where it was definitively proven that I hate you.

Why won't girls talk to me even though I clearly have an RPG character with +7 charisma & +4 intelligence?

[Synchronicity]

Because you're a halfling.

Why are eggs so breakable?

[EmmaKynikos]

yeah, right. i see it now.

in how many games will the yankees take the phills in the 2010 world series

[Nikita]

The Yankees were disbanded, and the Phillies have all been imprisoned for shooting up kids with heroin.


What is morality?

[GenessorDios]

It's the secret finishing move in Mortal Kombat. The winner reads some philosophy books to the loser and then, when said loser is deep in rumination over the profundity, stabs him through the face.

How long does it take to cook a turkey?

[Distance]

At 500 degrees, a stuffed 25 lb turkey usually takes 23.5 minutes.

Are road kills factored into the DMV fatality reports?

[Nikita]

Yes, and also murder rate statistics. There's a warrant out for your arrest. It was put out by the possum homicide division.


How are microchips made?

[GenessorDios]

They take nanochips and enlarge them 1000x.

What is the most soul-sucking profession?

[BuShinJu]

They are made in a micro deep fryer, by a cackling witch, "yi he hee, hubble bubble toil and tro................."

Someone sing me a lulaby to send me to the land of nod.

---------- Post added 04-16-2010 at 05:20 PM ----------

Breath mint tester, when the bastards in the lab double up on the super strong sour chemicals.

How does a leprechaun decide which end of the rainbow to put the pot of gold at?

[GenessorDios]

He uses the end which is not coming out of his ass.

When will people start using baby sleeping pills?

[Nikita]

When manufacturing plants start processing baby parts.


Who is the man?

[BuShinJu]

He is the one with the extra dangly bits and the hair coming out of his nose.

When is a thing not a thang?

[Nikita]

When a wing is a wang.


How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

[Rudy]

three and a half. Exactly.

What's the best candy in the world?

[Nikita]

Buttered Nuts dipped in Scorpion Sauce


What creates halitosis?

[Rudy]

Gremlins. Definitely gremlins.

How did taxation begin in human civilization?

[Nikita]

prostitutes persuaded the kings


What is the most intelligent sentence?

[Rudy]

This one, of course.

What is the most sentient intelligence?

[gestalt]

The mind that is the mind that minds to the mind.

Who peed in Rudy's Cheeri-O's?

[Nikita]

stasis


Who ate them?

[Rudy]

stasis... it's an auto-erotic fetish he has.

Why would anyone eat cheerios?

[Nikita]

to change their reproductive bits into purple spiders


Who would buy them?

[gestalt]

People with lots of granulated sugar to spare.

When would they be eaten?

[Nikita]

Every other morning at the full moon.


Why should people use halogen bulbs?

[gestalt]

They make your hair softer and ahem, more luminous.

Where are all the anti-gravity devices?

[Nikita]

attached to all of the dicks of the men on this forum


What fuels a rocket launcher?

[gestalt]

Estrogen.

What's for dinner?

[GenessorDios]

A hearty meal of MAKE IT YOURSELF YOU LAZY ASS I'M NOT YOUR MOM.

Can nail clippers really be used to hijack a flight?

[Distance]

For sure, since it's everyone's worst nightmare to be slivered into tiny half moons.

What would happen if every single person was chirpy?

[GenessorDios]

Birds would patent chirping and make a fortune out of royalties; they'd occupy the first fifty in the Forbes 100.

Does a cat face a dilemma in deciding whether or not to eat catfish?

[Nikita]

Yes, but their dog tired shrinks do not face a dilemma when choosing whether or not to eat dogs.


What is a hutbug?

[EmmaKynikos]

peanut butter and jelly.

what's up, doc?

[Cooper]

Bones

Why do vampires only bite really good looking women?

[EmmaKynikos]

i didn't get bit.

why do fools fall in love?

[hutbug]

because they mistake love for a mud pit.

why do I enjoy peace and quiet so much?

[Nikita]

Because you like the company of the worms crawling through your ears and other orifices.


How deep should you dig the hole to hide the bodies?

[hutbug]

Just flick the 'w' off.

How fast is Nikita's internet connection?

[Nikita]

moss is growing...


What is the function of ice?

[jonnyb]

To cool down beer.

Why am I so undecided about Deb?

[Nikita]

Because you've never been with a man's man's woman's man's transvestite ex-boyfriend's former hermaphroditic lover before


What is usury?

[jonnyb]

The break room of the ushers in theaters.

Where is my hat?

[Nikita]

it was cut off at birth


Whose hand was caught in the cookie jar?

[jonnyb]

I don't know, but it sure tasted good covered with the loose colored sprinkles at the bottom of the jar.

How's the best way to treat a sunburn?

[WoodsWoman]

By scratching lightly the entire affected area.

Does anyone want some more snow?
(I'd be glad to pay the shipping.)

[Nikita]

Please send snow to Vancouver...they never get snow there.


How are electrons created?

[WoodsWoman]

When protons and neutrons have sex.

Why are some of the most idiotic things also extremely funny?

[GenessorDios]

Brain damage can make the dullest sentences seem brilliant.

Why is my speaker making crackling noises?

[jonnyb]

It is channeling the poultergeist in the general vicinity.

Why is deep fried turkey so good?

[Nikita]

because it is laced with baby fat and cum dumplings


Why doesn't gum dissolve?

[GenessorDios]

It's stubborn and needs to be sent to its room unless it learns to dissolve like a good candy. Bad gum! Grounded!

How can I become good at everything I do?

[Synchronicity]

Do nothing.

Why do stars twinkle?

[Minerva]

So that they like hogging attention.

How do dolphins communicate?

[Synchronicity]

Facebook.

Why is sliced bread so popular?

[Distance]

Bread tastes better when allowed to dry out.

Are you double-jointed?

[Synchronicity]

Yes. In fact, my body has hundreds of joints.

What makes swimming the best form of exercise?

[Minerva]

The sexy bathing suits

What do you have in that pipe?

[Synchronicity]

Pencil shavings.

Why do people visit Antarctica?

[Minerva]

Because of the warm beaches

Which planet are you from and why did you migrate to Earth?

[GenessorDios]

I come from Planet Mindyourowndamnbusiness. My mission is to spread the concept of business self-minding throughout Earth.

Does anyone want to sign up for my seminar? It's only $3,000 per hour.

[Yhor]

I want to sign up.

Why are people in power so eager to use it?

[Nikita]

because it makes their dicks grow 3 inches a day


How do you juggle oranges?

[GenessorDios]

Inject them with helium beforehand, that's how all the pros do it.

How do musicians make the simplest songs sound so beautiful?

[Distance]

They spend hours creating a mathematical formula that defines beauty.

If you could eat an entire bag of store-bought cookies, would you do it?

[GenessorDios]

Definitely not! Now store-stolen cookies on the other hand....

Why aren't there any nitrogen bars?

[Nikita]

because they're too cold to eat and if you tried to eat one, your tongue would fall off and assume a demonic identity, thus peopling the world with evil tongues who will invariably seek dominion over all creatures tongued and tongueless


What is the symbolism behind the Japanese flag?

[Distance]

It's a bulls-eye for nuclear weapons.

Why must we smile?

[GenessorDios]

They initially submitted a transparent flag for consideration but some wise guy spilled white paint all over it. The Japanese were so mad they shot him in the head. He landed head dead center of the flag and his blood formed a circle. They didn't have the money to redo it so they just sent it in.

Why do girls carry small purses and stuff their bulky items in their boyfriends' pockets?

[Nikita]

because their boyfriends don't have anything bulky in their pants...didn't you know all men are actually women? at least the ones with girlfriends...and only men with boyfriends are actually men....


What is the function of golf ball dimples?

[jonnyb]

To look cute, especially when smiling.

Hows the best way to get water out of my ears after a shower

[Nikita]

jab a wire hanger in there


Who killed Bill?

[jonnyb]

Nikita's assasin sqaud.

Why are guns so fun to play with?

[Nikita]

because they tickle when they accidentally go off, and create pretty pony pictures


Why is the silver screen silver?

[jonnyb]

Because if it were gold, people would steal it.

What is the best use for dog slobber?

[Nikita]

lube for expressing the anal glands


Why can't we see through fog?

[GenessorDios]

Flocke only allows us to see what he wants us to see.

How can I experience a nervous breakdown?

[Synchronicity]

Astrally project yourself into a patient at a psychiatric institution.

Why does the Earth rotate?

[Nikita]

because it's a pretty little ballerina who loves to induce dizziness


Who's under the bed?

[aok]

Cimex lectularius

Who's under the sun?

[Synchronicity]

The guy holding it up.

What killed the dinosaurs?

[Yhor]

A big gun.

Why are some people nice?

[GenessorDios]

People who are innately nice have been found to possess a DNA mutation that causes intense feelings of pleasure, akin to three orgasms, everytime they perceive themselves to have perpetuated a kind deed.

Where is Atlantis?

[Yhor]

The NWO found Atlantis and had it moved to New Jersey. It is now under ground instead of under water, near Trenton.

Why do cheetos taste cheesy?

[Synchronicity]

From all the fresh shredded cheetah fur.

When did humankind first become conscious?

[Cooper]

They have?

Why do dogs bark?

[Yhor]

Dogs don't bark. They are communicating, letting us know that our language, like our politics, are more complex than needed. My dog Nemesis told me.


Are micro organisms the building blocks of all life?

[Distance]

Yes, micro-organisms are smaller than an atom and larger than a bread basket.

Why was Pluto de-planetized?

[Seriously]

Racial profiling.



If the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain where does the rain in the US fall?

[GenessorDios]

The precipitation in your nation goes on vacation where condensation makes it rain over the plains of Spain.

Who invented the English language?

[Yhor]

A Russian prankster.

Why is a person who inhales a lit cigarette called a 'smoker'?

[jonnyb]

Cause it rymes with toker.

Did Marilyn manson try to make himself look like Anne Frank or did Anne Frank make herslef look like Marilyn Manson?

[GenessorDios]

Everyone thinks Anne Frank died during WW2 but little do they know....

What would be the effect of tampering with my video card?

[Nikita]

your fantasies would be projected for the world to see, like lasers issuing from your eyes


Who invented rubber bands?

[GenessorDios]

You really want me to say it? Fine, you did alright?! What a damn ego to ask such a question, god!

How soon is too soon?

[reiven]

The WW2 french resistance; they were the best france had to offer; but they had a lot of free time.

why does Dairy Queen leave such big chunks of banana in their milkshakes that will not pass through a straw?

[GenessorDios]

Beverage content dimensions were not stipulated in their contract. The money they save on cutting ends up as 95% of their revenue.

What is the plural of Ms.?

[Minerva]

M&Ms obviously.

Coke or Sprite?

[GenessorDios]

I think I'd much rather create sprites than do coke.

Can I get a chauffeur?

[Minerva]

Pfffffffffft! No, what are you going to pay them with oh great starving artist!

Why is life unfair?

[GenessorDios]

You were born with a fairness constant of less than 1.

What is the Roman numeral for zero?

[El Cas]

It does not exist because there is only shame for you when you use it express what you own.
Why is there no way to make lots of cash quickly and legally without having to go buy a lottery ticket or visit a casino?

[Distance]

Lotteries and casinos are the sole manufacturers of our money supply.

Why are INTJs such definitive but confused individuals?

[GenessorDios]

We face the dilemma everyday of whether we should rise up and rule the whole world or the whole universe.

Why does menthol burn?

[Cooper]

Its minty fresh.

Why am I here?

[Nikita]

You're not.


Why do people have "Gods"?

[jonnyb]

So they can force them onto you.

Why does the housekeeper keep telling me to get married?

[Seriously]

She wants you to make an honest woman of her daughter?



Why does my toenail polish stay on longer than my fingernail polish?

[Nikita]

Because the worms living in your toes are from Vietnam


What is the function of a teardrop?

[Seriously]

fairies use them for bathwater


What's going to happen on the season finale of LOST?

[GenessorDios]

Everyone turns out to be Jacob.

How do walkie talkies work?

[Nikita]

by tweaking their nipples


What is a maverick?

[GenessorDios]

A partner of a goose.

What do dolphins do for fun?

[Nikita]

tip cows


How do you tip a cow?

[GenessorDios]

With plenty of greens.

Why do people support sports teams fanatically, even to the point of violence?

[Nikita]

because their wives are on the field


How far is the moon from your retina?

[Distance]

1.5 millimeters.

Want some green cheese?

[Nikita]

Sure, but only if it's made from Sea Monkey sperm


What is the circumference of Jupiter?

[GenessorDios]

Scientists have been studying this for over thirty years and the general consensus is that the size of Jupiter is approximately 'Really Fucking Huge'. This was a huge breakthrough coming after the initial estimation by scientists in 1976 of 'Fucking Huge'.

Can ants die by falling from ten storeys?

[NYK]

no. all the other ants secretly tracked the falling and prepared a net made of themsleves to catch their fellow ant.

how do you make a bowl?

[GenessorDios]

With great gusto.

When will the next meteor shower occur?

[reiven]

just after it's 30 minute cardio work-out, and just before dinner with saturn.

why are drivers license pictures so unflattering?

[Nikita]

because the entertainment and junk food industries have united and infiltrated the departments of transportation and public safety - you look ugly, they look prettier, your self-esteem drops, and you binge eat


Why do people golf?

[reiven]

people GOLF (Go Out Like Floozies) to get more dates. nice outfit, btw.

where is the grape jelly?

[Nikita]

in your shampoo


Where is the peanut butter?

[GenessorDios]

Still stuck to the roof your mouth, same as ten minutes ago when you asked me the same question *sigh*

Is it homicide if you give someone extra thick chunky peanut butter and they suffocate?

[Nikita]

Yes, and I'm turning your name over to the police right now in connection with the extra chunky peanut butter murders.


How should hugglers be killed?

[GenessorDios]

Stared to death by an INTJ. And you are sentenced to three months of holding up a 'Free Hugs' sign for using that heinous word.

Where can I buy trophies to lie to people that I'm good at sports?

[Nikita]

At the dog pound.


How do you ground electricity?

[GenessorDios]

Well you definitely don't want to wear gloves when handling naked wires, that will just conduct the electricity right through your body. Make sure you touch it with bare hands, wet if possible, and if you want to be extra safe, run the wire over your tongue as it is well known that taste buds are the most electrically resistant part of the human body. If there is a tingling sensation, something is wrong. You need to hold the wire tighter and possible wrap it around your body. Once the tingling has stopped and you've gone through a tunnel of light, the electricity has been grounded.

Who should be the next US president?

[Nikita]

Snuggles


Who should be vice-president?

[GenessorDios]

To be progressive, they should elect a retarded crippled blind transsexual Satanist nonagenarian pornstar.

When will there be some good concerts around here?

[Nikita]

When that person runs not for VP, but for President and WINS!


When is too much not enough?

[GenessorDios]

Whenever never ever comes.

What is the maximum age for a person to continue sleeping with a teddy bear before it becomes weird?

[Nikita]

everyone should die with their teddy bear, innocent love knows no upper age limits!


What is faith?

[GenessorDios]

It is the main plot point of John Woo's latest film Faith/Off, where secret agents of opposing religions don each others' religious apparel and find that they were both incredibly dumb. *Spoilers* They team up at the end and take on the Popiemam together.

Is it bad to snack between meals?

[Nikita]

Only if you're snacking on anything dead already.


How do you define definition?

[reiven]

with words and or pictures. i lean toward pictures for those in pirate gear.

where do you find virgin wool?

[Nikita]

you squeeze it out of irish olives


Who is Skippy and why does everyone damn him?

[GenessorDios]

Banks used to have tellers at all counters until Skippy came along and decided one teller was enough for 500 people.

Why do I feel sleepy all the time?

[MassHysteria]

Because late-night TV is so damn amazing!

I'm a natural blonde, should I go red?

[GenessorDios]

Yes but you have to use red paint.

Why doesn't the phone die during a blackout?

[nat]

Because all phones are vampires, they're immortal.

Why can't people fly?

[Nikita]

Because the monkeys have genetically engineered us that way...they fear domination.


What was the first kite made out of?

[GenessorDios]

Recycled kites.

Which is more powerful, a man's love for his dog or a man's love for a woman?

[jonnyb]

A man's love of pork rhinds.

How mant alternate realities are alternating on this planet?

[Yhor]

They're all Mine. I'll never tell.

Why do people ignore the bad in others and only focus on the good side, when it's someone they think of as close?

[jonnyb]

Because of the alluring deodorant.

When will shit be able to go uphill?

[Yhor]

There was an uphill shit race the other day on the Discovery Channel. The video was time lapsed so it could fit into the 2 hour time slot.

How do plasma televisions work?

[Cooper]

High blood pressure.

Why do birds fly?

[Seriously]

Would you walk if you had wings???


How come some people have fallen arches?

[Cooper]

Get out of Military service.

What is the meaning of life?

[jonnyb]

McDonalds

Why do people think that their 0.5 acre lot of crap is worth 300,000$?

[Cooper]

'Cuz its cover in bat shit, 3 feet deep.

Why do dogs lick their....stuff?

[Seriously]

They are trying to determine what their "stuff" actually is.



Why did the Grinch steal Christmas?

[jonnyb]

Because the Whos didn't lock their car doors.
When am I gonna get to scan someone tonight?

[Yhor]

when they let you..

Why do blackeyed peas promote luck and fortune in some cultures?

[Seriously]

After giving them black eyes for a misdemeanor the gods felt bad and spread a rumor about them being good luck. It's just a rumor though.



Why do black cats crossing your path cause bad luck?

[Cooper]

Cuz they eat black eyed peas.

Is walking under a ladder really bad luck?

[jonnyb]

Only if you kink your neck.

Why is the number 7 bad luck in Chinese culture?

[Cooper]

Because its is between sex and ate.

Why is the number 13 bad luck?

[jonnyb]

Because it's between fortease and flufftime.

Why do people who only speak with grunts get so pissed when I can't understand them?

[reiven]

they aren't pissed! Vocal Gruntilization is part of Germanic social custom (Teutonic in origin, i believe) whereby, the more guttural the speech, the more excited they are to see you. because of the severe facial distortions involved in spitting words, they only give the impression of being pissed.
the proper social etiquette response is to grasp the person by the shoulders and press your left cheek against their right cheek for 4-5 seconds. try this, you'll be surprised how guttural/expressive/glad-to-see you they become :)

what type of art should i add next to my arm?

[Nikita]

frolicking, fluffy, white kittens chasing each other from your wrist to your shoulder with kissing hearts over their heads


Why do people get tattoos?

[reiven]

vitamin K deficiency

how many books is too many?

[Nikita]

1


How do you justify murder?

[reiven]

google Flip Wilson; Geraldine quotes

will Laugh-In ever come back into vogue?

[Nikita]

It already is, it's called FOXNews.


How does popcorn pop?

[reiven]

each popcorn kernel contains a parasite similar to the kind found in Mexican jumping beans. when heat is applied, the parasites get hyperactive. when the heat reaches critical mass, the parasite explodes, blowing the casing off the kernel.

will you massage my shoulders?

[WoodsWoman]

Of course not, my arms aren't long enough.

Why can't the grass grow to two inches and stop, only growing enough to keep itself at that same length?

[GenessorDios]

They do, but the US government covertly injects lawns nationwide with growth hormones to force them to grow, thus increasing the need for gasoline and resulting in a shortage, which they use as a reason to go to war with oil-rich countries.

Is it safe to play outside?

[Yhor]

No, solar flares are at an all time high. This results in Mayans coming out of hiding with sniper rifles to silence those who disagree with their predictions. These two facts lead to the conclusion that staying indoors is safer, so you don't get shot prior to getting skin cancer in 2013.

Why are calendars so varied?

[GenessorDios]

Affirmative action legislation brought about a quota for the different calendars whose usage was required. No more would the Gregorian have a de facto rule.

Why hasn't anyone invented a feasible brain-computer interface yet?

[Yhor]

It's just too hard...

Why are there so many different meanings for words in the English language?

[GenessorDios]

Linguist leaders loathed l'Orwell.

Which came first, Turkey or turkey?

[Minerva]

They came together. They were twins zero seconds apart

Turkey or chicken?

[GenessorDios]

In gravy? Chicken.

In bed? Turkey. Mmmmyeahhh....

How long will mankind survive if electricity were to suddenly cease to be?

[reiven]

much longer than robots. muah!

how do they clean the feces off of down before putting it into pillows?

[GenessorDios]

(What about robots who run on stupidity?)

They spray paint it white.

How does the clicky thing at the top of a pen work?

[reiven]

when the button is depressed, it opens access between to inner chambers containing male and female red ants. the ants instantly mate and produce offspring. the increase mass in the chambers causes the stylus of the pen to expand from the pressure, which in turn reseals the two chambers. the progenous ants, now trapped in separate chambers, eat their parents for sustenance and await the next click to start the process over.

where is Turkmenistan?

[GenessorDios]

Well, a certain knowledgeable ex US president told me that it was the capital of Pakistan and I'm inclined to believe him.

Is the flux capacitor real or merely a myth perpetuated by mad scientists?

[reiven]

there is NO SUCH THING. any further reference will prompt another visit from the blacksuited, writstwatch microphone men.

should i bathe?

[GenessorDios]

Only if you need to pee.

Can I fill my car with diesel?

[reiven]

yes, but it will fade your upholstery.

can i ever get enough?

[GenessorDios]

The desire is insatiable. That was the deal when you accepted the ToS.

What do you call someone who is finicky about the positioning of different food items on their plate?

[Minerva]

Anorexic.

What is the colour of your hair and what does it say about you? Oh, sorry Bender... I guess you can't answer that! :p

[GenessorDios]

My hair is as glorious as the golden sun, as awe-inspiring as the midnight sky and fiery red like the magma in between the Indian subcontinent and Eurasian crustal plates but due to the limited processing power of the human mind, it appears to be nonexistent. Were it visible to the naked eye, humans would surely prostrate and admit their insignificance.

What is the difference between underwear and a bikini?

[Nikita]

what the pope prefers to have little girls wear to "confession"


What is commerce?

[Minerva]

Isn't it to start something?

What is your weapon of choice?

[GenessorDios]

It's right here, right now.

Is anyone still using 5 1/4" floppy disks?

[reiven]

as coasters?

when will the sun begin to rise in the west?

[GenessorDios]

Superman VI.

Has New Orleans recovered fully from Hurricane Katrina?

[reiven]

yes, but much of the progress was undone when the federal government threatened to remove those temp-housing trailers that the Saints fans use for dressing rooms to apply pregame makeup

what is bicarbonate of soda used for?

[Minerva]

To make drinks fuzzy

When are you going to change that avatar?

[GenessorDios]

reiven complies with INTJf rules regarding avatar cycling by swapping out one pixel each time the deadline is due. INTJf does not yet have the processing power to detect such avatar fraud but is looking for donations to that effect.

Why are so many places in America named after European locations?

[Minerva]

Because the Americans wanted no ties with Europe whatsoever. It is the "New World" after all.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[reiven]

because it was still attached to dan :laugh:

who wrote 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest'?

[JTG]

I did.

Where did i put my keys again? D: