I'm So Bored; Please Amuse Me - The Wrong Answer Game

[Paradigm]

By how quickly someone falls asleep. Oh wait, it's meant to be a wrong answer...
With an AMP.

How do you tell if someone is lying?

[Shauru]

If their feet are level with their head.

Why is the sky blue?

[Paradigm]

Because it's so mellow.

How does the weather work?

[Jonathan Brewer]

In five ten-hour shifts, off nights, weekends, and most major holidays.


Why doesn't everyone think I'm a genius?

[Paradigm]

Because you don't wear your underpants on your head like all genius' do.

Where does the sun go at night?

[Jonathan Brewer]

Obviously, since it is dark at night, it goes where the sun don't shine. ;)


What is the greatest human injustice?

[Paradigm]

Canada. Why did it have to happen for?!

What is the second greatest human injustice?

[Jonathan Brewer]

Greenland. I mean, does anyone really live there?


What is the third greatest human injustice?

[Paradigm]

Canada again. It holds both 1st and 3rd position.

What is, or would be, the greatest human justice?

[jonnyb]

For me not to give a shit about injustice.

Why is ice slickery?

[Paradigm]

Because it's constantly crying.

Why is fire hot?

[Jonathan Brewer]

It works out.


What is older than dirt?

[jonnyb]

your Grandmommy

why do foot rubs feel so good?

[Jonathan Brewer]

For the same reason handjobs do.


What is the opposite of disingenuous?

[Paradigm]

There is none. It's the only word in the world with no opposite.

Explain Chaos Theory?

[Nikita]

(INTJ + ESFP)(ENTP + ISTP(napalm))2 = Chaos...Theoretically ;D


Explain why that answer is wrong.

[jonnyb]

Any answer that utilizes any kind of smile face is fundimentally wrong.

Why is it bad to combine INTJ and ENTP?

[Nikita]

because ENTPs will never correct an INTJ's misspelling of words like fundamentally


What is a Hadron Collider?

[jonnyb]

A collider that collides Ron into oblivion. Thus, Hadron.....get it had....ron. *crickets* OK I shut up now.

How is the best way to dispose of a hitch hiker?

[Nikita]

Go all MacGuyver and make a stove out of your car engine, slice and dice the scoundrel, BBQ him up, and Bon Appétit!


What was it like to witness David fighting Goliath?

[axe rive]

Kind of disappointing from beyond the third row. The promoters say to wait for the DVD with commentary.

Who exactly is in charge of Girl Scout cookies?

[themuzicman]

Rosie O'Donnell

Why do students have to take 4 years of math?

[plotthickens]

Because 4 years of apparel design would be too wearing.

Where are all the good men dead; in the heart, or in the head?

[themuzicman]

Women.

Why do men put up with women?

[plotthickens]

For the heck of it.

Why can't I learn how to knit?

[jonnyb]

Because you don't know your pearls.

Why doesn't earwax taste very good?

[Nikita]

because it's made of guano and bile


How hard do you have to hit a ball to score a home run?

[jonnyb]

Who said anything about hitting a ball?

where did all the cool kids go?

[Nikita]

they were raptured out because they couldn't take the heat


How do you make a kite?

[jonnyb]

Step 1= tie a string to an anvil.
step 2= run fast pulling anvil by string until anvil lifts up into the air.

Where is the best place to get coffee beans?

[Charly]

The men's toilets.

What is the best way to not get busted stealing coffee beans from the men's toilets?

[newday]

Rush in the police station and next to the mental hospital.

How can we prevent accidents?

[Aurelia]

By wearing leather pants.

How does the sun rise?

[newday]

By using elevator.

How many letters are there in this sentence?

[Charly]

I this sentence there are, nine, ten. Ten letters! Mw ah ha ha ha. (lightning strikes)

What is red and smells like Blue Paint?

[Stratego]

Why doesn't earwax taste very good?

Pfft. Not enough garlic.

Sorry to interrupt, I just had to answer that one...

[aok]

What is red and smells like Blue Paint?



The pledge of allegiance.


Why is the news considered important education?

[jonnyb]

Because it distracts from what really matters.

why is real truth so hard to find?

[Myotis]

Because all truths are lies... wait is that the real answer? I don't know, no, yes, is it isn't it?

I'm all confused

Why are you browsing this thread?

[Stratego]

I'm not browsing the thread...the thread is browsing me. The line between self-consciousness and other consciousness (evanescent to begin with) no longer holds. My fingers are flatened from the constant pound on the keyboard; my shoulders rounded, neck set at a slanting angle in my new, crouch-like posture. Internet sprawl. My eyes have become large, dark and shadowed, my larynx near paralyzied from disuse. I no longer have the ability to look to the left and right of myself, because it doesn't exist. The only reality is straight ahead in the Big Magic Box...

What is this thing we called the Internet?

[jonnyb]

Something thought up by a guy we called Al Gore.

Why is the hunchback's back hunched?

[newday]

Because hunches are produced by stimulating your back's hunching nerves.

How does a somersault done?

[Stratego]

In a well-oiled pan, brown lightly on both sides for several minutes until tender.

How do they make Olive Oil?

[jonnyb]

The popeye cartoons.....Olive got juiced.

What did Dracula say to Santa?

[reiven]

you can't put that there, m'lord

what is the quickest way to make amends?

[jonnyb]

By using a darning tool.

What is the quickest way to identify alter egos?

[Cooper]

make them look in a mirror

How do you tune a tuning fork?

[Stratego]

Send it to a therpaist.

What is perfect pitch?

[jonnyb]

The one that hits the batter in the head and causes a knock out.

Where do ramen noodles come from?

[reiven]

The Enron-Halliburton Consortium

What is the defining symptom of Schlagers disease?

[newday]

You eyes are starting to taste like bubble gum.

How much is a kilogram of sweat?

[reiven]

1/3 of the GDP of the ukrane

what is the density of marble?

[newday]

It depends on how many teeth you loss after you bite it.

What causes cancer?

[jonnyb]

Voodoo incantations people place upon others.

How is the best way to keep my toes warm?

[Nikita]

tie fishing line very tightly around them until they turn purple and fall off, then toss them in the oven


How should child soldiers be punished?

[jonnyb]

Take their rifle away and make them sit in the corner of the mine field!

How could one dispose of a vagrant brother-in-law?

[newday]

By wearing anti-benevolence skirt and a shirt made of cotton candy.

How can we prevent diarrhea?

[reiven]

two parts bleach and one part nutmeg, twice daily

can i go back in time?

[jonnyb]

Yes. You will need to drive 88 miles per hour everywhere you go and then poof, one time you will travel to the past.........especially if you drive in Arkansas and have to experience one of their highway troopers.

Why do the coals get hotter when i blow on them?

[reiven]

they don't. all combustible materials have a luminescent coating that glows brighter when exposed to human and/or bovine CO2 pollution.

what is air friction?

[newday]

A disturbance in your stomach lining that causes farting.

How many days does it take to journey to the earth's core?

[reiven]

according to that stupid owl, 3

who was the frito bandito?

[newday]

The fried nacho king who dances like a whore.

What is the best seller book in the 21st century?

[reiven]

see dick and jane

what is the secret of life?

[newday]

Its a secret. :lipsrsealed:

What is the best remedy for headache?

[reiven]

.357

what is the highest land mass in europe?

[newday]

The one that has a hunchback that hikes the clouds.

Who is the tallest fan of john lennon?

[reiven]

mariel hemmingway

what was the first george harrison single?

[newday]

"Make my day baby.. chiki bum yeah!"

What is good and cannot be eaten?

[reiven]

peach cobbler

what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

[newday]

unladen km/ swallow nanosec.

Who is MJ?

[reiven]

peter parkers aunt

what happened in 1981?

[newday]

The russian submarines starting to float by telekinetic powers.

Where can we find a ventriloquist?

[reiven]

third door on the left
if it takes two men two days to dig two holes, how long would it take one man to dig half a hole, hmmm?

[newday]

7 centuries of digging with spoon.

What CAR stands for?

[reiven]

cathode amitting rayon

where do dead kitties go?

[jonnyb]

To the dog pound.

Why does pizza taste so good?

[reiven]

phenobarbital

how do you get to carnegie hall?

[jonnyb]

Sing well.

Why is it cold?

[reiven]

it's the coriolis effect, exacerbated by global warming
*i donno how that part works, ask mr internet.

why do bad things happen to good people?

[jonnyb]

Because bad people are already in good with the bad things.

Why do people believe what they are told?

[reiven]

there are tiny hairs inside the ear that vibrate with sound waves, these are identical to the ones in the nose that are scent receptors; ergo, when someone smells nice we believe them.

why do animals pull carts?

[jonnyb]

Because the cart's owner is to stupid to get a truck.

[reiven]

because fish don't have feelings (universal answer, even in the absence of a question)

what is a Kette Jun-Zuki?

[jonnyb]

The song that Kurt Cobain never wrote.

Why do some people have more than one account on this forum?

[reiven]

the better to eat you with, my dear

how far to the sun?

[jonnyb]

Ask again and I'm making you walk.

Why does my brain seem to melt a little more with each X-mas carol I hear?

[reiven]

it's a conspiracy between the military industrial complex and Big Christmas to create a blah blah blah...

what caused rudolph's nose to glow?

[jonnyb]

Santa's phosphoric shit.


How's the best way to hang one's self?

[newday]

Tie your molar with shoe laces at the flagpole then sing Happy Birthday.

Who is the father of Alchemy?

[reiven]

Oz never did give nothin' to the tin man, that he didn't, didn't already have.

how do mice interact with caribou?

[Nikita]

well...the mating tickles on the part of female caribou, but the exploding mice phenomenon is quite entertaining on the part of the female mice...


What does "twerk" mean?

[Synapse]

Whatever you want it to mean... It's great like that.

Why do we always come down after we jump?

[hutbug]

Because drugs are not good for you.

Is the universe infinite?

[reiven]

no. ice density data from the exploded section of the moon indicate that there is a corrugated metal wall erected just past pluto (which is no longer a planet). Research indicates there is nothing beyond that wall.

will canada and the us merge governments?

[newday]

*hutbug's question*
No, the universe is fated to be destructed by disposable diapers and christmas carolings.

Why do ice melt?

[reiven]

because the freezing process genereates heat, silly.

why is th esky blue?

[newday]

To wash all the sins of man.

How do cats swim?

[reiven]

in two phases:
one, they take water into there lungs and become motionless
two, i haven't observed, i keep getting distracted.

why are we intj's so friggin smart?

[aok]

Our arrogance boosts our delusional tendencies, which therefore affects the imagination causing a manifestation of a self-fulfilling prophecy towards raised intellect.


Why do some people consciously choose to be dumb?

[jonnyb]

For the same reason some people choose to listen to country music....and X-mas music.

Why can't I have an extra 3-4 hours in my day?

[MartinH]

You aren't far enough below ground yet.

Why does it snow?

[jonnyb]

Becase it doesn't wons.

Why do most home builders suck?

[reiven]

because the codes administration sucks. They spend all of their working hours with a medicine bottle, dripping LSD on those stupid little red 'failed' tags, and when ever a contractor touches one, he's off to space mountain.

what is the difference between 'no, not tonight' and 'i hate your f#$%ing guts and i'm getting a restraining order"?

[Kisai]

A fifth of gin and some Rohypnol.

What do you tell your kid when she says that she was told there is no Santa Claus?

[reiven]

"learn to cope"

what is the difference between algebra and picante sauce?

[jonnyb]

I'd feel more better sticking the picante sauce in your eyes over the algebra.

Why do eyes sting?

[Kisai]

My eyes sting because they have evolved stingers and poison sacks. The stingers project when someone displays emotion within my personal space. I inject the poison by feigning a kiss on the cheek.

Why does albinism appear across wholly different species?

[hutbug]

Every time an animal finds himself in snow, he turns white to blend in for protection. So, at various times, animals of every species have found themselves in snow.

Why do we sneeze?

[Kisai]

To spread our love and procreate with others when they inhale our seed.

Why do ants go to picnics?

[hutbug]

Because they never get invited to dances.

Why do we have nightmares?

[jonnyb]

To help us be more accepting of our daymares (dealing with coworkers).

Why is surviving such a commercially involved proccess?

[reiven]

because without madison avenue, we wouldn't even own camping gear

what is the requiem corollary?

[Stratego]

Dunno. But it makes perfect sense to the Japanese.

Why is anime so strange?

[reiven]

Great question. The earliest anime sketches were discovered in a notebook belonging to Benito Mussolini. It is believed he stole them while visiting the emperor in Japan. Due to Italian humiliation in Somalia, Mussolini had the characters drawn in the style we recognize today to conceal his thievery.

who designed the 4 gallon jug milk crate?

[Stratego]

Exhausted cows. More milky less wanky.

Why does milk do a body good?

[reiven]

there is an enzyme (co-lytenum) that has been shown to reduce toe nail fungus, and repair damaged gall stones.

what comes after 'the last straw'?

[Synchronicity]

The last milkshake.

Why does Saturn have rings?

[reiven]

cause fries don't keep in space

what is the difference between good and great?

[Synchronicity]

Good is great, but great is terrific!

Why are airplanes so long and thin?

[reiven]

It doesn't get a lot of sleep out there is space...

Why can't I type fast enough?

grime buildup on the overhead fluorescent lighting mixes with the lunch ladies perspiration.

what are the ingredients of moisturizer?

I coulda swore you asked about school lunches in that post. How'd you do that?!?

[Stratego]

@ Synch:
For her pleasure.

sorry for my poor timing--carry on gals and gents, carry on...

[reiven]

Stratego, there is a neural transmitter called syncopan that limits hand eye coordination by the (minimum) number of eyelashes on either eye.

does anyone know what are the ingredients of moisturizer?

[Stratego]

Baby's tears, wombat saliva, and soylent green...

Why does makeup cose so much?

[reiven]

in 1938 the president of Revlon, John Wiedmre was indicted in a racketeering sting that implicated his wife and eldest daughter. The daughter ended up committing suicide over the matter. Wiedmre was eventually cleared but had amassed a fortune in legal fees just as the depression hit. He decided to cut the price of his eyeliner division (named after his daughter Loriel) until the economy turned. The Revlon corporation is now making up their loses.

why does swiss cheese have holes?

[MartinH]

Originally for smuggling weapons in, during the war. Mainly used for smuggling drugs these days.

What's the origin of tartan?

[reiven]

aboriginal tasmanians would smear dark pine resin all over themselves to make night attacks more stealthful and so, more successful. In or around 1889, the french introduced tar to the island. From that point on, donning the black gooey camouflage was called putting on a tar-tan.

what is the purpose of an x-ray?

[Synapse]

To justify irradiating people so they'll eventually die of cancer by saying it's for the "benefit of science" to use such a contraption.

Why do butterflies have scaly wings?

[reiven]

it is an evolutionary advent to prevent sunburn.

why do people buy plastic house plants?

[MartinH]

In the mistaken belief they'll grow plastic fruit, which they can give to children to play with.

What are cars *really* for?

[hutbug]

Cars are really for hiding the bodysnatchers who crawl into our skins as soon as we start driving. Sometimes these aliens shoot each other from moving vehicles; other times they just curse and wave a lot and cut each other off, darting in and out of lanes, etc. This is why we never understand why the cops pull us over, because we were 'just following traffic'.

Why do we go to casino buffets and stuff ourselves until we are in pain?

[reiven]

All restaurant buffets belong to a cabal, the name of which is not important here. Each type of food served represents a different annoyance- Oriental food is loaded with PCB's, which gives the illusion that the food is more filling so that you will leave the trough sooner. As soon as the pcb's are filtered into your liver you are hungry again.
Casino buffets use food that has been dehydrated, and reconstituted with reduced content water; making the food seem less filling. This is of course so that you will linger in the casino, eating and playing the slots.

what are candles for?

[Synapse]

As an excuse to steal honeycomb from bees and a conspiracy, as they are so easy to knock down that they easily burn your house down. The companies also put hidden cameras in them to track you.

Don't put your candles in the bathroom, kids.

What is the fundamental purpose of a baseball bat?

[reiven]

originally designed as a door prop; they are most often used in latin america as kindling.

what is photosynthesis?

[MartinH]

The way your avatar was made.

How did Cricket come about (the game, not the animal)

[reiven]

Cricket originated here at the intj forum. The word association game took an odd turn, and some really fun to say words evolved. By weird happenstance there was a listing on Ebay for a combo golf-baseball-lawn dart yard game in need of rules. Some enterprising esfj stole the words, bought the game, and moved to england

what is deforestation?

[MartinH]

It's very like defloration, but only involves the pubic hair.

Why did pubic hair evolve anyway?

[Cygnus]

To help protect from sun burns.

What is SPF?

[Synapse]

"Sell Pretty Flowers", the company that originally patented and sold sunscreen. They cam up with a revolutionary new way to confuse people with numbers in an effort to become more profitable, which is why their legacy lives on -- on every sunscreen bottle.

Why are there stars?

[reiven]

because we could never survive with athletes only

will there ever be a 'north american union'?

[jonnyb]

Already is, it's called United Bank Butt Reamers of the Common Person.

What is the purpose of corporations?

[reiven]

cor-po ration was a dog food product that never caught on.

why do people talk differently in the south?

[jonnyb]

Causin theys'all hasned a horribidle cases'n of them'thar mouth cooties that'r spawnded from kissnin wortytoads.

Why does NORAD play the stupid santa game? They recently made a deal out of Santa's flight plan....What the Fuck!?

[reiven]

the 'santa game' is an actual test fire of a stealth ICBM

how do you differentiate an albino polar bear?

[MartinH]

It's ginger.

Why are there no penguins at the North Pole?

[reiven]

quota's. there was an edict that prescribed a certain quantity requirement elsewhere, and they had to come from somewhere (the recurring Law of Unintended Consequences.)

what was really going on when John Adams defended the trigger happy lobsterbacks?

[Synapse]

A sordid insurrection: support your enemies so they can walk all over your fledgling little empire and thus destroy a nation.

Why do people listen to popular music?

[Stratego]

It has a gel-like coating for easier swallowing...

What's a Teen Idol?

[Synapse]

Someone who can sing worse than an American one.

Why do we need wood to make a fire?

[Mullanaphy]

Wood always has had a checkered past.

Why do the seasons change?

[reiven]

to confuse the vegetation.

what is the process of making concrete?

[hutbug]

A con will crete when and only when he has chewed through a certain percentage of his cell wall, and not before.

Why does skin callous?

[jonnyb]

To get in touch.

Why does poop stink?

[reiven]

it doesn't

what is a pesticide?

[jonnyb]

Something that has no effect on me.

How long would it take to build a highway across the Atlantic Ocean?

[reiven]

standard gravel / concrete / asphalt would take about 1.25 hours per linear mile; latex and velcro- roughly half that.

why don't the arabic nations get along with israel?

[jonnyb]

Oh, they get along just fine, kinda like a little brother sitting next to older sister in the car on a long drive.

Where is the origin of the yule log?

[reiven]

Lead actor staging/ blocking notes from the set of The King And I

why do vice presidents go to funerals?

[jonnyb]

Cause the president was the cause of the funeral. Helps to curtail bad blood in a way.

Why don't more people drink alcohol?

[reiven]

peroxide is cheaper

why is costa rica two words?

[jonnyb]

I don't know. It just is! Live with it.

Why do INTJs linger on the edges of any social gathering only to entreat querries as to if they are having a good time?

[reiven]

because 98-99% of the world does not hold our interest; why engage?

why do we stay drunk / stoned?

[jonnyb]

To see clearly.

What is the active ingredient in windex?

[reiven]

none-
windex (glass cleaner in general) is the most brilliant marketing ploy since large, hollow wooden horses.
water and blue dye #7, period.

how do they 'mass produce' shelled walnuts and pecans?

[jonnyb]

Vats of nuts soak in battery acid until the shells disolve.

Where did all the trolls go to?

[reiven]

france

why must i have a permit to carry a handgun?

[jonnyb]

Cause you're not sneaky enough to not get caught.

What's so special about Victoria's Secrets?

[reiven]

based on my extensive research, not much has been left uncovered.

should we fear the chinese army?

[jonnyb]

Only the terra cotta ones.

Why do I get so tired in the afternoon?

[reiven]

because of your tireless dedication to the orphans throughout the day.

what is the primary ingredient in tomato paste?

[jonnyb]

wallpaper paste of course. All first graders are full aware of the balanced nutrition of paste.

Why do I hang out on this forum and piddle my time so?

[reiven]

cathode irradiation stimulates healthy skin tissue

why does real wood cost so much more than veneer?

[gwilendiel]

why does real wood cost so much more than veneer?

Because you sank my battleship!!

Which is better: a water moccasin or a leather moccasin?

[reiven]

water moccasin, they grow with your feet.

what are the boundaries between student and teacher?

[jonnyb]

A condom.

What was the inspiration for that 'Hot for Teacher' song?

[gwilendiel]

What was the inspiration for that 'Hot for Teacher' song?
Stephen Hawking

If all fleebers are sneets, and all robbleflots are snarfagorps, how many green boxcars does it take to eat a house of cards in which every card is not a suicide king?

[Stratego]

*waggles eyebrows*
Eating's not hard. It's all about the tongue. ;)

Why don't men like to cuddle?

[reiven]

cuddling releases Pheromones, which stimulate endorphins, and increases local blood pressure, causing clothes to shed, leading women to say, "sorry, now's not a good time"

why does a woman's sex drive deplete shortly after marriage?

---------- Post added 12-21-2009 at 10:03 PM ----------

human Pheromones are as yet unproven, so technically that's still a wrong answer

[hutbug]

A woman's sex drive doesn't decrease after marriage; a man's sex drive increases exponentially such that he wants sex every day, then every 6 hours, then every 10 minutes, etc. Soon he's screwing a corpse and wondering why his wife's sex drive 'decreased'.

why do men think about sex so much that every conversation inevitably goes back to boobs or peckers?

[gwilendiel]

why do men think about sex so much that every conversation inevitably goes back to boobs or peckers?
They are competing for my attention so I can fix their problem that they seem to desperately want to be rid of. They have to compete because I have a busy schedule. *makes the giant scissors go 'snip snip!'*

Hmm. Why am I so twisted?

[Nikita]

Because if we straightened you out your spine would snap. You've chosen to remain a pretzel. What you didn't choose was for us to sprinkle you with cinnamon sugar, drizzle you with caramel, and drop you off outside a Jenny Craig office.


Why does one run the gauntlet?

[reiven]

because we all have a fetish want to be spanked

why is the world so violent?

[Nikita]

because there are too many homicidal teddy bears corrupting the youth


How does a switchboard work?

[reiven]

this one deserves a novella, but i'm sleepy.
therefor: trained ants lubed w/graphite spray bridge between necessary connectors based on operator preferences.

who is/was the greatest author of all time?

[jonnyb]

Dr Seuss

Why is it that someone asks me to work a shift for them, I say sure and then they procede to tell me their sob story about how all this, that and the other is wrong in their life? I already said yes!

[NYK]

they hate you and don't want to show you apprecitation by taking your time.

why do we drill for diamonds when diamonds may be what is at the core of the earth and it may run out of fuel if we dig them all up?

[jonnyb]

Because eveyone knows that stupidity is the real endless fuel that makes the world go round. Now if we can only harness it in a controlable, predictable fashion.....

Why do my eyes dry out if I don't get enough sleep?

[reiven]

eyelids secrete cocoa butter when left idle.

what is an aphrodisiac?

[hutbug]

It's a special hairstyle worn by black people in the floating island Disiac.

Why do the players in Survivor let themselves get so fat when they go home, and look like stuffed pigs on the reunion show?

[jonnyb]

They really caught some strange parasite that occludes their lymph system and suffer from elephantitis. How heartless, thinking they just go and gorge themselves.

Why is it such a pain in the ass to check tire pressures?

[Reganon]

Because all tires are apple products, which aren't made to be fixed, but rather updated and replaced every two months.

How do you fix a dead car battery?

[jonnyb]

Drink the fluid stuff inside of the battery then refill battery with piss.

When does the hunting season start on the lighted deer in peoples' yards?

[Nikita]

Halloween morning


How do you skin a rabbit?

[jonnyb]

Use a stick of dynamite.

How do matches work?

[hutbug]

They don't do well in a team setting, tending to vie for dominance to the detriment of productivity. They prefer the solitude of outside sales.

What is the point of daylight saving time?

[reiven]

when they found free toasters out of vogue, bank of america enticed new customers by letting them roll-over all unused pre-nightfall minutes into a daylight savings account.

what's the difference between coke and pepsi?

[Nikita]

powder


What's a frog march?

[reiven]

1.2 miles per day / 1.93 km (in moderate weather)

why does the u.s. resist the metric system?

[Hjordis]

The US doesn't resist the metric system. That's just a myth, but it was disproved on mythbusters.

Why is my room always freezing when the rest of the house is warm, but stuffy when the rest of the house is cool?

[reiven]

it's all semantics. it was hot when the rest of the house was cold because we collectively believed in global warming. Since we've backed off into an opinion of climate change, which algore defines as 'any temperature shift in any direction that we can blame on Big Anything, your room is a metaphor for progressivism.

why did jefferson love the french?

[jonnyb]

I don't think the Jefferson's ever played on French TV. You might want to make sure before you go about telling your neighbors though.

Why is chocolate so good to eat?

[Seriously]

It isn't. We have been brainwashed by the media to believe it's good. Now give me all of yours.

Why does hair start to grow out of our noses and ears when we get old?

[reiven]

it's a reaction to air quality. hair is a natural filter; as we age and our livers become encumbered, increased ear and nose hair act as interceptors to keep our systems clean.

what was the origin of silverware?

[jonnyb]

When silver was invented to make the silverware.

Why are doctors worthy of nothing more than contempt?

[reiven]

when you consider the amount of time they spend away from golf courses, yacht clubs and Caribbean *seminars* just to refer your perforated colon to a specialist, i must say your contempt is misplaced.

why are some species of tree green all year 'round?

[Seriously]

Because they pay their bills and don't get disconnected from Mother Nature's power line.


How can I make the voices in my head stop?

[reiven]

read: The Total Guide To Living As An Enfp

why do people live in glass houses?

[Seriously]

Because they are voyeurs. Hello.


Is it true that blondes have more fun?

[reiven]

ignorance is bliss

what's the deal with peanut butter and chocolate?

[Seriously]

5 year contract by which they agree to spend time together but are NOT exclusive.


Why are cranberries so misunderstood?

[reiven]

being one of the smaller berries, they had it tough growing up. razzberries got all the attention, everyone lusted after the strawberries, blue berries were popular. cranberries ended up bitter over the whole thing.
typical to this sort of experience, they discovered the stand-up circuit, and thrived until the lenny bruce thing blew up in everyone's face. this led to the cranberries getting mixed up with vodka; a long dark chapter.

things turned around when cranberries were introduced to grapes, and this led the way to the breakthrough idea of pairing cranberry and apple; ocean spray picked up the contract and the rest is history.

why do kids ask stupid questions?

[jonnyb]

To remind you of the pain you must endure for concieving them.

Why are my nieces stupid?

[reiven]

limited genetic resources? *i mean* (.)

why do i take sardonics with me everywhere i go?

[jonnyb]

They are the only things that fit in your pocket.

where does all the pocket lint come from?

[reiven]

Lintonia, one of the Baltics.

what is the depth of the Marianas Trench?

[jonnyb]

Depth = Deep as hell.

When will California slide off into the Pacific Ocean?

[reiven]

not soon enough
*pretends to accidental multiple typo's to salve westcoasters*

what is the best mountain range in the US?

[Kisai]

The Mauna Loa volcano is most scenic and dynamic from the inside.

What is the Great American Novel?

[hutbug]

The Great American Navel would probably have to be area 51, since from the air it most resembles lint and dirt but is really the nexus of all things mysterious...oh you said Novel? My bad.

Why do we chew gum?

[reiven]

because as a hair care product, gum has been shown unmanageable.

what is the main ingredient of paper?

[hutbug]

Dippity-doo, which is why it doubles as a dissolving hat.

Why do people throw parties?

[jonnyb]

Because they can't drag or shoot them.

What happened to the children under the stairs?

[reiven]

they choked on the human flesh, so the explosion was moved to the mailbox scene of the butterfly effect.

why don't mice rule the world?

[jonnyb]

You mean dice.....here, I'll give'm a roll to see the chances. It's all in the flick of the wrist.

Who you gonna call?

[reiven]

progressive, i just saved a load of money by switching.

what is the circumference of the earth?

[jonnyb]

Just a couple thousand miles more than the miles I drive each year.

How hot is it on the sun?

[reiven]

68 degrees F.

how long would it take to swim to vermont?

[hutbug]

About as long as it would take hell to freeze over. Or, about as long as you can hold your breath.

What would women do without men?

[reiven]

take Duracell to the top of the DJIA

what would men do without women?

[hutbug]

Flatten the lands to grow grass for the goats and sheep?

How can we discover life on other planets?

[jonnyb]

declare war on each planet and see what ones retaliate.

Why is it a pain in the ass to mop a floor?

[reiven]

i used to think it was the grounding effect of standing on a wet floor while firing the sciatic nerve in the action of mopping. you get a twinge of sciatica, you're standing in water> pow.

what is the smallest particle of a substance?

[ScarletDusk]

An elephant.

What color are tomatoes?

[Cygnus]

The color of tomatoes are grey, as are all things in life are shades of grey.

Why does blue feel sad?

[Stratego]

Because it's the past tense of blow, of course, and who doesn't like a good blow?

Why are some men color blind?

[Cygnus]

Some men are color blind so they can see everything in life only as only black and white.

When did everything become a disorder or disease?

[jonnyb]

When someone decided there is no such thing as normal.

Where do snipes go to die?

[InkResolution]

They go to Florida to get away from the young whippersnipers.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop????

[jonnyb]

One hit from my hammer sufices fine.

where are all the fireworks?

[reiven]

in a container from china, coming by way of turkmenistan. they should be just to the left of the salad dressings

why do we speak different languages?

[jonnyb]

so we have a reason to wage war.

why does gunpowder go boom?

[reiven]

"boom" was the third option. early experiments offered the uninspiring "fsht" and the roundly hated "hmmmm". by comparison, boom ends up looking pretty good because it was deemed "more blowyupy sounding"

how are tooth picks made?

[jonnyb]

by blowyupying trees into little 'toothpicks'.

how would one remove a car fuse from someones nasopharynx?

[reiven]

with pneumatic needle nose pliers, a shot of tequila and 2.4 ounces of petroleum jelly.

what does 'black hearted' mean?

[hutbug]

Refers to a special dare performed by college freshmen in Las Vegas as a hazing stunt, to see if they can survive the mafia beating the crap out of them for slipping idiotically doctored cards into the dealer's deck.

Why do birds fly?

[Nikita]

because lizzie borden went crazy with the axe last time she was flipped off


What is price fixing?

[hutbug]

Prices love the needle, anything in a needle, the poor things.

What killed the dinosaurs?

[Nikita]

caveman halitosis


What happens when you run over a frog?

[hutbug]

It glows in the dark, of course!

Why are young people idiots?

[reiven]

governmental conspiracy that started with burt and ernie and prospered through nickelodeon, now fed by mtv

where does sea salt come from?