INTJs Acknowledging Compliments

[Jezebel]

Question from an ESTJ member:

I would like to know first of all why INTJs have trouble accepting or even acknowledging compliments...you have a lot to be complemented on but I can't tell that you even caught my compliment (smart, driven, etc.)

So do you have trouble accepting compliments? If you do, why?

[Evalis]

Ooo. Fun topic!

And yes, I do indeed have trouble accepting compliments. The reason for this, is that I want to know the 'purpose' of the compliment, and often there is none (or no cognitive purpose). This doesn't pertain to 'all' compliments though, and I think that the poster is placing an unintential bias on the 'type' of compliments that are not 'well-recieved'

The primary compliment people are likely to give to an INTJ is that of their intelligence, diligence, or focus - all things that the INTJ would already be aware of. In fact.. anyone that is diligent, knows it. Intelligent? You know that too. Any compliment that is strickly something that would be impossible for me not to know, leaves me at a loss of how to respond, because I cannot fathom the purpose of telling me something that would be obvious that I already know.

On the other hand, if you were to comment positively on my haircut, I would respond with a thank-you, and most likely divulge who it was that cut my hair. The reason being that I cannot see ALL of my hair, and really there is no way for me to know. That and beauty is relevant to the person, so what I may think is 'cool' may look completely dorky to someone else, and recieving compliments helps me know what other people like. Therefore, there is a purpose!

Blatant flattery, however, is something that I simply do not understand, and do not appreciate. It makes me wonder if the other person wants something from me and/or is so weakwilled they can't muster up the confidence to accomplish anything of the same level that I have, and need to live vicariously through the accomplishments of others. EI: Calling me 'smart' implies that you think you are dumb.

[Tarrick]

For me, it really depends on where it's coming from, and also how much of a sense of accomplishment I personally have (if it's coming from a specific event).

If it's from someone I regularly work with and I feel my performance was average/acceptable, then I'll just shrug it off, or nod. If I performed better then average, or just pulled off something brilliant, then I'll acknowledge their praise a little more, but not overly so.

It's odd. We're seen (at least by some) as egotistic and prideful, but we aren't at all. If anything we come down on ourselves very hard because we know just how well we can do and we point out (at least to ourselves) all the mistakes we made.

Anyone else like that? Or am I just weird that way?

[Jezebel]

It's odd. We're seen (at least by some) as egotistic and prideful, but we aren't at all. If anything we come down on ourselves very hard because we know just how well we can do and we point out (at least to ourselves) all the mistakes we made.

Anyone else like that? Or am I just weird that way?

Yeah, I have high standards and my own internal sense of quality. I can be surrounded by people praising me and telling me I did an amazing job... but if I'm not satisfied it doesn't mean anything to me. I think, "wow, everybody has bad taste. I can't believe they think that's good. If I'd had more time I could have done better..."

I don't usually say stuff like that outloud though because people tend to think it means I want reassurance and I don't. I'll just think that they're overlooking flaws and potential problems.

I don't mind recognition when I do a good job but I prefer it more indirectly. Seeing people use stuff I make and complimenting features of things I created is better than complimenting my personality traits. Unlike Evalis, I don't like being complimented on my physical features either. Unfortunately, that's a weak spot for me. I just don't know how to respond and it's not what I want to be recognized for.

[Tarrick]

Actually, after a little thought, I've realized something: 'Quick' compliments like "good job" or "nice work" after you finish with anything, assuming is didn't bomb, have been made next to necessary by some people and are carried out in a almost ritualistic manner. I go along with it, partly because I recognize that some people need it and partly because the guys I work with do a good job, it seems somewhat hollow to me.

[Firelie]

Oh yes, I have trouble with compliments.

One time I came in with a new haircut and my boss thought it was cute, so she complimented me. I, of course, leapt into an explanation of how it looked like shit today cuz the girl had blow-dried it and about how much cuter it would look after a couple of days in my own care. Needless to say, that wasn't the correct response, and she got terribly offended and went off about how I thought her opinion was stupid since she thought it looked good... oh what a mess! I've learned to just say "Thanks" to every compliment, whether I thought I deserved it or not.

There's still the odd moment when I'll forget what I've taught myself and just respond with "I know"...lol

[radioactivez0r]

This happened to me yesterday. I've been losing weight, and my friends noticed. What did I say in response? "It's because you guys haven't seen me in a while, so it's more noticeable"; "Well, there's still a ways to go". My friend actually had to tell me to just say thank you. I guess it comes from having such high expectations for myself that making progress isn't by itself enough?

[Opti]

I recently had my hair cut up short (Was quite long) and a majority of the workplace has complimented on it suiting me and looking good ... The compliments initially were welcomed but I was suspicious that it was only mentioned because it was such a big change and they felt obliged to mention it. It was hard for me to say 'thank you' at first.

I don't usually acknowledge thanks or well dones for menial jobs which 'anyone' could do, So I usually walk off before the person gets chance to say it while I am in response vicinity (I have become a master at timing it ;D)

But unfortunately In my place of work no one gets complimented for the 'big ideas' which get implemented. It usually didn't bother me, (I knew it was a good idea, that's all that mattered) but I am now bothered by the fact that I didn't recieve acknowledgement from where it mattered (I.E The Top) which could have enhanced my career faster.

[Tarrick]

I just take a page out of the movie Madagascar: Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

[Guido]

Yeah, I think Evalis did a great job summing it up, not sure what else I can add.

Back in high school, I had this math teacher. He had this dick system where you had to calculate your own mark, and if you got it right he would give you a bonus mark. The system is dick because he got everyone to announce their marks to him in class, and what's worse is that if you got your mark wrong, (and some did) you looked like a complete dumbass because the calculations required simple addition and division. I didn't mind the system cause I always had top mark :D!! but it's kind of dick to humiliate people who did poorly, especially if they were trying.

Anyhow, to the point of this. There were these girls that were horrible at math, but they tried really hard at it. Sometimes after we'd announce our marks, these girls somehow felt the need to tell me 'congratulations.' This always confused the hell out of me. Wtf do they mean congratulations? I slept in the back of the class, I didn't do anything in terms of work, and I was an overall annoyance to everyone. It's almost like they felt they had to complete some penance in congratulating the guy who got the best mark to make up for their humiliatingly bad ones.

People giving compliments have never made sense to me. You either know what the guy said, making the comment useless, or you don’t know. If you don’t know, then do you really deserve the compliment in the first place? I will answer that ESTJ's question with another question: why do you feel the need to make a compliment?

With my socializing research, I think I've found the best way to fix the compliment situation. I tend to overly compliment myself to others in a joking manor. This tends to cut down the compliments by about 95%. If I've just debugged some riddling piece of code at work, I'll sometimes stand up and say something like "Oh yeah! I'm the best programmer in the world!" It's very important for people to know you're just joking around otherwise they'll think you're pretty arrogant... which they will probably catch wind of regardless after some time. Long point short, they can't compliment you if you beat them to the punch :D

Hmm… we have an ESTJ member? I’m really confused. I’ve also been wondering if this is all part of some kind of social profiling thing that’s been going on with the forums...like for maybe a thesis, or research in general. Not that I mind, I’m just curious :o

[Jezebel]

Hmm… we have an ESTJ member? I’m really confused.
Yeah, but he only posted once and never came back (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). Oh well.


I’ve also been wondering if this is all part of some kind of social profiling thing that’s been going on with the forums...like for maybe a thesis, or research in general. Not that I mind, I’m just curious :o
Nothing that official was going through my head when I made it. I just thought there would be enough interest from others of this personality type to have their own forum and thought it was about time someone got it going. I'm curious how it will turn out, how everyone will get along, and enjoy the geeky aspects of having a forum.

[The Rose]

I have taught myself to be gracious when someone compliments me, but I remember the old me.

I only cared about pleasing myself or reaching my own personal standard,
which I hardly ever did.
It didn't matter what somebody else thought -
I'm extremely self-critical so, I didn't believe them.

Also, it depends on how much I respect the person giving the compliment, too.

Thirty years ago, I was at Faneuil Hall in Boston, playing my guitar and singing.
A well-dressed businessman put 2 brand new consecutively numbered dollar bills in my case.
That meant so much to me, I still have those 2 dollar bills!

I also remember a drunk telling me I had a good voice.
I told him, (to my shame)
"What do you know? You're so drunk, you don't even know your own name!"
That's was the old me. Thank God.

[Max T]

Yep ditto- poor in handling compliments. As Tarrick suggests, reaction is situation-specific.
They say "did a good job" and either I:

1. recoil and think "it was ok"

2. give a Gallic shrug back and examine what could be the implications with future projects or

3. reel off where the issue could have been improved (finish on a negative note why not).

I think that whereas a compliment is comforting to many people, INTJ's perhaps become so consumed with deciding whether something truly merited complimenting that we forget the social niceties.

I most appreciate compliments after doing a random act of decency (e.g.helping someone with luggage). Creepy crawly comments just scream "hidden agenda".

[wedekit]

I honestly don't know why I'm bad with compliments! I normally spend most of my time at work cleaning up other people's mistakes and revising outdated things and such, but I never let anyone know unless they ask because I hate to put myself in the position where I receive a compliment.

I think if I had to guess it would be because when someone gives me a compliment I honestly don't believe them.

[MichaelH]

I don't usually say stuff like that outloud though because people tend to think it means I want reassurance and I don't. I'll just think that they're overlooking flaws and potential problems.


Keep in mind, as the creator/performer, you'll always be aware of flaws that are below the perception threshold of others.

I used to play piano a lot, and ran into this problem the few times I performed. I finally realized that I'd never have a perfect performance; there'd always be room to improve. (Especially considering the stress level in performance as opposed to practice.) A piece was ready, though, when most people wouldn't notice the flaws. And at that point, yeah, you just have to suck it back, smile, and say "thanks" when people compliment a performance you know was B-rated. It's the price of creating/performing.

[Jezebel]

Keep in mind, as the creator/performer, you'll always be aware of flaws that are below the perception threshold of others. . .
You're right and I agree 100%. It's still hard to turn off the critical voices in my head and truley appreciate compliments sometimes though.

[rasoirviolon]

I know how MichaelH feels; it's almost impossible for me to walk away from a performance feeling genuinely satisfied at how I did.

I've always had a huge (and noticeable) problem with compliments. Just last year my biology teacher complimented me on how I dressed on a particular day and I smiled at him and went off to my desk. The following day he confronted my mum about my reaction and she was extremely angry at my bad manners (thus she proceeded to lecture me). For one thing, my smiles are almost impossible to detect (anyone else here just isn't a "smile" person?). And I ignorantly thought a mere smile was just as appropriate as a "thank you."

Even if you just fake it and and thank someone for a compliment, does it still come out sincere? Is it better to act nonchalent about it or feign thanks and risk someone seeing through your "insincerity"? :-?

[Tarrick]

Even if you just fake it and and thank someone for a compliment, does it still come out sincere? Is it better to act nonchalent about it or feign thanks and risk someone seeing through your "insincerity"? :-?

I refer to my previous post:

"I just take a page out of the movie Madagascar: Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. "

[Unknown]

Compliments...inwardly I tend to be dismissive with them. However, I have learned to simply say "Thank you" and try to avoid explaining why I don't deserve it.

[aude]

Personally i hate compliments, its annoying. One guy at the gym I attend. He comes up to me and says the same thing 'how much weight have you lost?" and all i say back is "i lost count". I know i lost a lot of weight in the last few months but i dont like to be reminded and to be complimented on it. I also had one friend who always complimented every one for the smallest task and i couldnt stand for it anymore. And i just walked a way from the friendship.

[rasoirviolon]

out of curiosity, does anyone act in ways to avoid compliments?

[Guido]

With my socializing research, I think I've found the best way to fix the compliment situation. I tend to overly compliment myself to others in a joking manor. This tends to cut down the compliments by about 95%. If I've just debugged some riddling piece of code at work, I'll sometimes stand up and say something like "Oh yeah! I'm the best programmer in the world!" It's very important for people to know you're just joking around otherwise they'll think you're pretty arrogant... which they will probably catch wind of regardless after some time. Long point short, they can't compliment you if you beat them to the punch :D

Hell yes. It makes my day less frustrating :o

[Jezebel]

With my socializing research, I think I've found the best way to fix the compliment situation. I tend to overly compliment myself to others in a joking manor. This tends to cut down the compliments by about 95%. If I've just debugged some riddling piece of code at work, I'll sometimes stand up and say something like "Oh yeah! I'm the best programmer in the world!" It's very important for people to know you're just joking around otherwise they'll think you're pretty arrogant... which they will probably catch wind of regardless after some time. Long point short, they can't compliment you if you beat them to the punch :D

Hell yes. It makes my day less frustrating :o

....are you quoting yourself and agreeing with what you said? :thinking:

[Guido]

How could you not agree with someone who had such a great idea!? Even if it is yourself :P

It was a response to:

out of curiosity, does anyone act in ways to avoid compliments?

Just requoting myself to say "Yes... yes I do." :o

[jeffersonian]

out of curiosity, does anyone act in ways to avoid compliments?

Oh, for sure. I tend to crank up the "cold" and "inhuman" qualities while I'm at work. So, while I generally stand out for the quality of my work, few people really want to get touchy feely with me. Joking about how I have no heart, etc. works well to seem friendly but also gets across how little that accusation would bother me.

I have to say, when I accept compliments, it seems extremely easy to fake sincerity. For this reason, I suspect that even people who are comfortable with compliments are not summoning a deep, powerful emotion. If I can pull it off with the intent to mislead, how real can everyone else's response be? :-?

[biased]

I loathe insincerity and I rarely believe (in situations in which someone would compliment me) that I have competed up to the level which I expect of myself so I see it as almost subtle mockery.

However, If it's a genuine compliment and I can tell they mean it. I'll like it. Complimenting is to close to intimacy for me to really "get" it.

[orange]

There's still the odd moment when I'll forget what I've taught myself and just respond with "I know"...lol


I've done that too. whenever I do forget and respond with a "I know" I always beat myself up over later cause I realize what I did to the person complimenting me.

[generalowk]

I loathe insincerity...

Ditto.

I'm not the greatest at taking compliments. My feelings range from suspicion to surprise to that "aw shucks, I wish you'd quit talking about me". As I've aged, I've gotten more gracious in handling compliments. Sometimes, it is hard when I think they are just fishing for a compliment in return from me, and I really don't have anything nice to say. It kind of relates to hating small talk. I have an intense aversion to being insincere or fake.

[thecraig]

I used to occasionally fill in for the pastor at the small church I attended back home. It was customary for the speaker to stand by the exit as folks left and shake hands with every one. This was torture. There were a lot of "good jobs", "well done", and "great message". That kind of feedback irritated/emarresed/confused me. It wasn't objective feed back. What I would have received better was, "I specifically apreciated your incites on point number three." or even "I'm not sure I agreed with your point because." I'm not certain but I think my dad might be an INTJ, because his compliments where always qualified like this. They were more a further discussion of the Ideas that I had presented. I don't think he has ever paid me any higher of a compliment then when he told me he had never "thought of it that way".

[logan235711]

I tend to kind of just turn-my head down a little, perhaps blush slightly and be like 'heh...yeah..er..'--the basic shy nervous response. Mostly I feel that I don't really need compliments to know if I'm doing good or bad at something or to feel good about myself. Usually I just feel that even though I might seem good at some thing in another person's eyes I can see all of these flaws that sometimes I might not even know where to start. Sometimes I might get mad if they seem to glare so brightly in the face of someone's compliment--almost as though the compliment is mocking. I kind-of think most people have good intentions anyways and probably can't really know what I'm thinking, what I know, where the culmination of my experiences have led me--so to get mad is something that doesn't really happen--sort of silly.

Some people mentioned that they want to figure out someone's motives. I suppose I feel like whatever motive they have probably won't affect me anyways as I won't allow myself to move in some direction that I don't want to--so influencing me might seem a bit difficult in my own eyes. So anyways perhaps I could spend my time reacting to the compliment in far better means and not spending my time on something that will--if there is an ulterior motive--present itself soon enough as some point or another.

Eitherways. When complimented I usually just feel like I don't deserve it, at least for myself. That I have so much that I still have to do that to get a pat on the back at this point is premature. One does have to ask oneself: "When will a good time come to give myself that much deserved pat?" A few months down the road. A few years? Maybe not once in an entire lifetime? But this all sort of does rest back on the idea that I don't really need such comments to feel motivated/self-confident/good etc. So usually I'm just pretty modest about it.

[snoogit]

If I solve a particularly tough problem the company has been having sometimes I'll get the symbolic "I'm not worthy" gesture (Holding out your hands at arms length and bowing down) While my God complex absolutely LOVES this! (Yes, worship me!) The rest of my thoughts are along the line of "That really wasn't necessary, but thanks?"

[Chainsaw Dundee]

"Thanks"

That concludes this lesson on taking compliments. :thumbsup:

[anara]

i love compliments, pretending they are sincere. a little nourishment for the ego should come daily, as should it be given. but if i were rapunzel and the complimenter were the man on the ground, a compliment would warrant no hair-growing.

[Blacklustre King]

I have a lot of trouble accepting compliments from other people, even if it is just a thank you or a good job. Perhaps it is my detached emotional status or maybe I just cannot stand being complimented by people I see as inferior to myself.

I cannot say for sure to be honest.

[Zilal]

I was once complimented on my ability to take a compliment. But I really don't do it well a lot of the time, and it's just due to bad habits. I'm more negative than I realize sometimes and the first thing that tends to pop into my mind is a contradictory statement... "Yeah, but I didn't do this part right." It's just a habit. Someone called me on it the other day and I was grateful... a lot of the time I don't realize what I'm doing.

Oh... and I suppose it's true I don't take compliments terribly seriously unless I feel they're from someone who was "in the know" and has a "right" to comment. When people tell me I'm a good writer, I just say thanks and shut up. But if someone who's been published says that, I might take it to heart.

[Sylvanus]

out of curiosity, does anyone act in ways to avoid compliments?

Yes. An engineer I used to work with asked me once "Why do you act dumb?", which totally threw me off guard. It's not that I act dumb-dumb, but I definitely don't show others my full potential. I believe this mostly has to do with the fact that I don't like attention from others, especially when in groups. Not working up to my potential allows me to avoid compliments.

[jjelovich]

I loathe insincerity and I rarely believe (in situations in which someone would compliment me) that I have competed up to the level which I expect of myself so I see it as almost subtle mockery.

However, If it's a genuine compliment and I can tell they mean it. I'll like it. Complimenting is to close to intimacy for me to really "get" it.

I am the same way. For me to be complimented, in the true sense of the word, it needs to be from someone who knows me very well, faults and all. A person who can find ways to compliment me inspite of my faults is something I seek in an intimate relationship.

[lowbrass]

I don't handle compliments as graceful as I could, but I'm getting better at it.

Earlier in life, I've weathered a fair share of disses for various INTJ commonalities. Naturally, as I continued to grow and further refine my main talents - sure enough, compliments began to come, and, to this day, I have trouble with it.

This is also ironic because for the longest time, I wanted recognition for the various things I've done (usually for people) but then I finally get it and don't know how to act.

In hindsight, I know I've saved many peoples' asses and, in light of what I just typed, I can't help but wonder: does my usual downplaying of compliments make them think I'm trivializing their gratitude? It's certainly possible.

[Zilal]

Yes. An engineer I used to work with asked me once "Why do you act dumb?", which totally threw me off guard. It's not that I act dumb-dumb, but I definitely don't show others my full potential. I believe this mostly has to do with the fact that I don't like attention from others, especially when in groups. Not working up to my potential allows me to avoid compliments.

I try to hide my intelligence and even how hard I work from other students, but for less honorable reasons, I think... I do want to fit in, a little... maybe my token concession to extroversion... I'm afraid people will see me as arrogant or just too different if I mention I got an A when everyone else got a C. Cute, isn't it?

Yours is an interesting reaction and maybe more common... I dunno.

[Santana28]

i'm horrible at accepting compliments - especially ones directed towards my husband!

i know, i know... worst nightmare - my husband's company Christmas party. a bunch of uppity, corporate types with an entirely way too large sense of self-importance.

well, apparently my husband is their favorite new hire. so we walk in together and one after the other, his bosses walk up to us and say things to me like "we LOVE your husband!" "your husband is so good at what he does!" "your husband is very talented!" etc etc etc.

now i know they're trying to pay me a compliment indirectly or some sort... i'm not at all sure what i'm supposed to say, so i say thank you while desperately trying not to say what i REALLY am thinking "yes, i know he's good at what he does. yes, he is a nice guy. yes, he's talented. i know all of this - why are you telling me? i married him!"

i REALLY hate holiday parties. the open bar made is somewhat tolerable however ;)

[Provoker]

I totally ignore compliments most of the time. I think that people attempt to adapt to an INTJ through compliments. They may try to arouse emotion by saying 'who's this good looking guy?' or something to that affect because they think the INTJ is aloof and longs to be included or something. But this is a total misreading of the INTJ. Those who cannot operate on an intellectual level with an INTJ often try and appeal to his or her emotions - a different way of communicating. What I consider subpar or nugatory.

I tend to disregard compliments because I am hyperconscious of manipulation and the will to power that manifests in others. People often say things in vain (in front of people) that they would not otherwise say. I am quite cynical and skeptical when this occurs.

A lot of this goes back to emotional numbness which is one of the INTJ's signature feats. I remember my buddy (a fellow IN*J) laughing when my sister gave me a present and was expecting a genuine reaction and I said "I'm sorry I am not showing much emotion right now but I do appreciate it", and my friend died laughing. I think I had just woke up. Actually, if INTJs are emotionally cold, then an INTJ in the morning has a heart of ice.

[Sylvanus]

I try to hide my intelligence and even how hard I work from other students, but for less honorable reasons, I think... I do want to fit in, a little... maybe my token concession to extroversion... I'm afraid people will see me as arrogant or just too different if I mention I got an A when everyone else got a C. Cute, isn't it?

Yours is an interesting reaction and maybe more common... I dunno.

I have the problem of simultaneously wanting to fit in and not stand out, and also not wanting to be like others and to be left alone completely. I've tried to be extroverted, I didn't like it. Now I'm just trying to be myself and unfortunately society doesn't like introverts.

[Learning]

It's just wieeeerd.

I think mostly because I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to say. (People get irked by the wierdest things sometimes:stunned:) They think you're arrogant if you don't accept their compliment, and they think you're arrogant if you just say "Thank You".

I usually just say "Thank You", though, and if I have a sincere compliment I offer one in return.

[Solaris]

I totally ignore compliments most of the time. I think that people attempt to adapt to an INTJ through compliments. They may try to arouse emotion by saying 'who's this good looking guy?' or something to that affect because they think the INTJ is aloof and longs to be included or something. But this is a total misreading of the INTJ. Those who cannot operate on an intellectual level with an INTJ often try and appeal to his or her emotions - a different way of communicating. What I consider subpar or nugatory.

I tend to disregard compliments because I am hyperconscious of manipulation and the will to power that manifests in others. People often say things in vain (in front of people) that they would not otherwise say. I am quite cynical and skeptical when this occurs.

A lot of this goes back to emotional numbness which is one of the INTJ's signature feats. I remember my buddy (a fellow IN*J) laughing when my sister gave me a present and was expecting a genuine reaction and I said "I'm sorry I am not showing much emotion right now but I do appreciate it", and my friend died laughing. I think I had just woke up. Actually, if INTJs are emotionally cold, then an INTJ in the morning has a heart of ice.

When I was about 12, my Aunt told me she was going to take me with her and my younger cousin on a trip to Ohio to see family and go to Seaworld. I was excited, but I didn't know how I should react. I believe I made up something and said I would be more excited but that I was tired from running around on the playground with my cousin (half true, we had been playing for a while). Mainly, I just didn't know what the "proper" response would be.

Oh, and I am so not a morning person. Unless I wake up excited for a particular event, don't expect me to be all Extroverted energy until about 10am or so.

[1OFMANY]

It has taken me YEARS to learn how to accept compliments and I still suck at it but now I at least acknowledge I need improvment in the area lol.

[dobbin]

I hate compliments from other people as they always appear to have ulterior motives. At work I'd much rather (but not enjoty) have 'superiors' and peers tell me that they liked they the way I did something because of x, y, z and explain it rather than the way of lazily saying Thank You or Good Job because they expect you to deliver and succeed in exactly the same way again.

Personally, as opposed to professionally, I just don't trust compliments and whilst I can be more diplomatic/empathetic, I hate doing so as I feel I have betrayed my principles.

[HarleyQuinn]

As for the morning... my mother always gets more excited about things than I do. She'll be like, "Aren't you excited?" and I often always respond with, "Give me a few hours" or "I'll be happy when the event arrives."

In regards to compliments, saying thanks has become an automatic reflex but I don't pay attention to most compliments unless it's a genuine comment espousing things I can improve on or such. Sometimes though, I'll give a small smile & nod or just go "Yeah" and walk off.

I've learned over the years that most compliments come off as half arsed token/generic phrases that people seem to channel like they're reading off a script: Great job, I was really impressed, you're so smart! (I wish I was smart as you), etc. so it ends up meaning less to me than if they even came up with a halfway original compliment but that would require thought and actually paying attention to what's going on.

[quentin]

A lot of compliments are just meaningless social lubrications, as meaningful as "How are you?" (no one who asks that question really wants an honest answer). When I walk into a room and someone says, "You look great," the best thing to do is just say "Thanks," and move on. It doesn't mean anything at all.

[Colette]

Question from an ESTJ member:



So do you have trouble accepting compliments? If you do, why?

I used to, but don't any more. The art of recognizing and accepting compliments graciously is, IMO, a learned skill, and actually quite important, for if I fob off a compliment or the person giving it (assuming they're genuine), I may gravely offend that person, or make them feel worthless and trivial, or interfering.

I can now comfortably both give and receive compliments, without being nonchalant, pretending to ignore, or being falsely humble or self-deprecating (i.e. making the statement 'oh I'm not really'). If you deflect or reject a compliment, you make the process all about you, and not at all about the other person, or honoring them.

As I see it it's like this. If someone presents you with a gift you do not say "bugger off, I don't deserve this" and throw it back in their face. Treat a compliment like a verbal gift, to be accepted and treasured, if it means something.

[Learning]

Part of it for me is also that I don't like "hype". People can get carried away sometimes. Also, recognition can lead to things like leadership and I don't like that.

[thephoenix1414]

Heh, funny story on this one:
I was sitting in english one day and this girl turns around and looks at me for a few seconds, of course i'm wondering "who have I insulted now?", but she says that she really likes my jacket, i don't usually wear bright colors or athletic clothes but it was a bright green running jacket. I was like "oookayyyy....". after a awkward pause she says "you don't know how to take a compliment, you're supposed to say: thanks I really like your skirt" well me being the sarcastic person I am say "well then I'd be lying." By this time the whole class, including my teacher, is paying attention and they laugh so hard that some of them were rolling in the floor. She turned blood red and apparently took me very seriously even though I was joking. I still can't convince her and every one else that I really was joking.

[Volition]

The main reason I wouldn't acknowledge a compliment is because I just don't trust that person. I don't know if I'm being unfairly cynical but the way I see it, people don't like seeing competing traits or other competitive advantages of some sort. So when they crack out a compliment, I am usually suspicious of their intentions, fuelled by some innate disgust that they're trying to wheedle their way around my reason.

If I respect the person, I won't deny that makes me a happier human being for a bit. I would trust them and would construe it as a sign that I'm doing myself justice- I can be hard on myself sometimes and it makes for a nice remedy.

Moreover, I know my strengths and weakness like no other. If you're complimenting me on something I believe to be a personal plus, great. That's confirmation that we have something in common as human beings. It also means I'm doing something 'right'. Alternatively, I have zero tolerance for compliments which bear no relation to me. It means that they either intend to deceive me, or they're terrible judges. Either way, I can manage without their acute observational skills.

For balance: :)

[pavman]

I don't trust compliments. I think there's something they want from me or some other hidden agenda, other than just a compliment. I've tried to get better at saying thank you, rather than saying I know or just ignoring them tho...as some people don't like how I've responded in the past.

Likewise, I tend not to compliment unless I really like the person or am really comfortable with the person, or was genuinely impressed by the person's actions (hardly ever compliment on appearance, unless I want the girl).

[Myrak]

If the compliments come from close friends or people I know well, I'll acknowledge the compliment sincerely with a quick "Thanks" or "Cheers".

If the compliments get laid on thick and fast from people I hardly ever talk to, alarms will go off in my head and I will tread cautiously. Often they are legit, but those times that they aren't I don't wanna get caught off guard. People always want something, fact.

[ginandsour]

I have the "alarm" reaction, too. If people complement me, I tend to think they want something. Usually a quick thanks, with rapid subject change. In college, I had a few professors write on essays or tell me directly that I was "brilliant" and I respond badly to this word now. I assume they're lying.

[oppugno1215]

This is a principal problem for me. I always answer compliments sarcastically or negatively, usually out of embarrasment, even when I try to be social. At least with me, people learn to never comment on anything about me within my hearing, and I am very grateful for that. And yes, I do try to avoid compliments if I see them arising in any conversation.

[spiritdetectivegirl]

I get offended sometimes when people only see me as "pretty". I always say thank you, threw a fake cheesy smile, but innwardly I'm saying" What, you think I'm NOT smart then? What about my brian, my mind?"

Heh, maybe that's just me though, oh well.

[elsdfr]

If someone compliments something about me or something I've done I think "well it could be better" or "that doesn't deserve a compliment". So yeah a basic inability to accept them.

However if someone criticises something I'll instantly think of a retort as to why. But this does have to do with how the other person goes about it. If they criticise and offer an alternative I'm fine. But any hint of sarcasm or the likes gets me offside for hours. I knew this in the past and its why I would never do something that I couldn't master naturally. But really in order to change or grow you need to "cop it" every now and then.

Either way the compliments never out weight the negatives. Which is interesting as I'm sure some types might be the other way around.

[anul]

Compliments generally make me feel shame, unless I think I deserve the compliment. Then if I do deserve the compliment, I view it as obvious. And you shouldn't compliment the obvious.

[Antares]

Compliments generally make me feel shame, unless I think I deserve the compliment. Then if I do deserve the compliment, I view it as obvious. And you shouldn't compliment the obvious.

Take the former as mere flattery :D

I don't trust compliments. I think there's something they want from me or some other hidden agenda, other than just a compliment. I've tried to get better at saying thank you, rather than saying I know or just ignoring them tho...as some people don't like how I've responded in the past.

Likewise, I tend not to compliment unless I really like the person or am really comfortable with the person, or was genuinely impressed by the person's actions (hardly ever compliment on appearance, unless I want the girl).

Paranoia? I don't respond to compliments usually. I nod. Or smile. Either one. I glare too, if I think they're beating around the bush trying to get something from me. Usually, they would either come out and say what they want or cease the nonsense and leave.

I have no problem complimenting people, however. I hardly believe in anything I say, but sometimes I really mean it. Either way, I would say things like: "Hey, that's a good decision," with a bright smile and a pat on the back. People like it when I do that, but only for as long as I decide not to say something immediately afterwards to crush their ego (I'm kidding in the second part, and they know it), then playful bickering would arise.

[Nausved]

I don't care for compliments, either. I always say thank you, though, but the "thank you" feels just as phony as the compliment. (The same goes to criticisms, after which I also say thank you.)

I especially dislike comments about things that I have no control over. "You're pretty," or "You have a gift," or anything along those lines. Uh, OK? Shouldn't you be complimenting my parents, then, since they're the ones who made me?

There are occasions where compliments and criticisms are helpful, though—namely, when the quality of my work escapes me. I also like compliments (or criticisms) that are descriptive; if you tell me precisely why you assign a certain value to my work, it won't feel phony.

On the flipside, I don't like giving out compliments (or criticisms), either. They always feel forced, even if I'm 100% sincere. It is more fulfilling for me to compliment (but not criticize, because then it just feels like gossip) people behind their backs and hope the message gets around to them. I myself tend to trust compliments that reach me through the grapevine more than compliments that come to me directly.

There are only rare occasions where I compliment directly—when someone does not recognize the quality of their work. If they do something that is clearly brilliant and then act as if they are not pleased, I will not compliment because it seems they are fishing for compliments, and thus they already know how great their work is. But if their work has only slight or moderate merit, I am much more inclined to compliment, even if I could do much better—and perhaps especially if I could do much better, as my skill sometimes makes it harder for others to judge their own work objectively.

[sriv]

I have a hard time complimenting but I do not necessarily hate compliments. I just think they are a motivation I do not require and waste my time. If someone starts extolling me I will not complain, but if it is wasting my time to the point of impracticality I might interject. All the compliments I need come from inside.

I have the same problem many have thinking that for others the same applies when it does not. Others are fueled by compliments because they have low self-esteem, so they are saddened to realize that for the few months they have known me, I have never once complimented them for something that actually mattered. They think that I am a heartless bastard, when actually I respect and admire them each in different ways but did not think they needed my opinion and that their opinion suffices. This happens because I treat others as I want to be treated.

I want to be criticized so that I can funtion better and more efficiently. I am also a heavy critic of others, so much that I can push them to uncomfortable areas.

My best friend, an ENFP, has a tendency to lie uncontrollably on little things. Being an INTJ, I need all the facts straight and it skews my pattern of thought. Whenever he says something to me, I have to analyze if what he is saying is truth or fib. One day I got so frustrated of his constant lying that I told him to his face he is a liar and that I do not trust him. He got so angry and defensive it scared me. He went on a seven minute monologue about how he only lies for fun (WTF?) because he likes to see my surprise (often I only show annoyance because I already know he is lying and wasting my time, his breath, and trying to contaminate my mind with wrong facts). He later said that he considered a trust between friends only relevant in dire situations. This discourages me from striking too close to home and instead slowly influence him to eradicate his mythomania.

[iamnotspock]

A compliment is an opportunity to make a connection. Someone put themselves out there to say something nice to you. Accept it gracefully. Reciprocate if you can. That simple.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Depends on what I'm being complimented about and how often that person is complimenting me. If it is a compliment about something that I have put some effort into and that I do not feel I was obligated to do in the first place, then I enjoy the compliment (as long as it's not overdone, which makes it seem insincere to me). For instance, I love being complimented on a meal that I have prepared.

If I am complimented on something that took little or no effort on my part or was something I feel obligated to do, then I don't recieve the compliment well. For instance, I don't recieve compliments about how I look very well.

[Jgib5328]

I always thank someone politely or try to talk down my accomplishment, because I don't want to ever be the guy who shows off or brags all of the time. I don't really mind compliments, but I don't really need them. After I achieve something, I instantly start focusing on my next objective.

[SeaCzar]

There is only one thing I take worse than compliments. Criticism!!!

[iamnotspock]

Depends on what I'm being complimented about and how often that person is complimenting me. If it is a compliment about something that I have put some effort into and that I do not feel I was obligated to do in the first place, then I enjoy the compliment (as long as it's not overdone, which makes it seem insincere to me). For instance, I love being complimented on a meal that I have prepared.

If I am complimented on something that took little or no effort on my part or was something I feel obligated to do, then I don't recieve the compliment well. For instance, I don't recieve compliments about how I look very well.

Is that b/c you naturally look good with little effort? Or b/c you felt obligated to look good?

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Is that b/c you naturally look good with little effort? Or b/c you felt obligated to look good?
Well.......I don't know if I naturally look good or not, but I don't wear makeup and I dress for style and comfort. Minimal, but some effort to not look totally freakish. I guess I used that example because my partner compliments me alot on how I look and I usually screw up my face at him when he does. I don't recieve those compliments very well. However, when he (or anyone) lavishes me with praise (not too much though) over a particularly good meal I've prepared I soak it up like a sponge.

[Solaris]

Well.......I don't know if I naturally look good or not, but I don't wear makeup and I dress for style and comfort. Minimal, but some effort to not look totally freakish. I guess I used that example because my partner compliments me alot on how I look and I usually screw up my face at him when he does. I don't recieve those compliments very well. However, when he (or anyone) lavishes me with praise (not too much though) over a particularly good meal I've prepared I soak it up like a sponge.

I can identify with this. I am likewise desirous (is that a word? ) of people complimenting a really great meal I've just made, but not totally comfortable with comments on my appearance. Being red-headed and female, though, I've sort of gotten used to it (we attract a lot of attention). I'm ok with compliments on things I've done that have actual results, but not so much about me. Even though dressing myself is something I did, it's not the same. Complimenting the meal is really acknowledging that this particular combination of ingredients is good, and less about me (no matter what I say out loud, I can take as much or as little credit as I'd like).

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I can identify with this. I am likewise desirous (is that a word? ) of people complimenting a really great meal I've just made, but not totally comfortable with comments on my appearance. Being red-headed and female, though, I've sort of gotten used to it (we attract a lot of attention). I'm ok with compliments on things I've done that have actual results, but not so much about me. Even though dressing myself is something I did, it's not the same. Complimenting the meal is really acknowledging that this particular combination of ingredients is good, and less about me (no matter what I say out loud, I can take as much or as little credit as I'd like).
Yes, because I took time and effort to try to make something that everyone would enjoy and I also love to cook. So........it's a labor of love and I guess I feel that I'm deserving of some praise. However, I had nothing to do with the way I look and I've had quite a few issues in the past with men accusing me of achieving my accomplishments due to favoritism based on how I look. Of course, they never accused any guys of the same thing.

[Solaris]

Yes, because I took time and effort to try to make something that everyone would enjoy and I also love to cook. So........it's a labor of love and I guess I feel that I'm deserving of some praise. However, I had nothing to do with the way I look and I've had quite a few issues in the past with men accusing me of achieving my accomplishments due to favoritism based on how I look. Of course, they never accused any guys of the same thing.

To this end, I have a tradition of making my friends a meal for them, individually, as their birthdays come around. I make and eat it with that friend. We talk about them, their previous year, what they are looking forward to in the next year, and the fantastic meal of course. I give them opportunity to make requests, but most prefer I just come up with something, knowing I'll find some fantastic recipe that suits them. I like this.

[eMachine]

I myself tend to trust compliments that reach me through the grapevine more than compliments that come to me directly.

I'm the same way.

Compliments generally make me feel uncomfortable. I used to try to downplay them and say "It could have been better" or "Oh no, I look like crap today" or "Someone else just gave me this shirt, I didn't pick it", but I found that made most people feel obligated to defend their compliment or embellish it, compounding my discomfort. So now I just smile and nod and say "Thanks."

I especially don't know what to say when someone tells me my daughter is pretty, my most common answer is "Well, that's only 50% my doing."

It does mean alot to me though when my mother tells me something someone else said about my daughter, like when she told me that my grandmother was impressed by how smart my daughter is. Probably because my mother initially asked me if I'd considered adoption when I was first pregnant, so something like that is kind of like "In you're face, Mom, I can do it after all!" She's also not an emotional or intimate type, so she would never tell me that she's proud that I'm doing such a good job with her grandchildren, but when she tells me what others have said it's a bit of an affirmation for me.

[Xeraii]

Usually I have trouble accepting compliments because while someone else may think me praise-worthy I personally do not. As is quite common with INTJs, my idea of "impressive" is several plateaus higher than the average Joe.

This also means that when I am complimented for something I don't think I deserve, the person complimenting me rapidly loses credibility in my eyes for considering such a meagre feat an accomplishment in the first place. Plus, if I hold no respect or appreciation for the person in the first instance, then their compliment is simply worthless.

Thankfully for myself though, I have no trouble pretending to be impressed by other people and complimenting them accordingly. Usually while laughing at them in my head.

[Lagawrd]

I am not driven by people clapping for me. I am driven by the result of my project. I notice compliments, I also enjoy them, I just do not thrive for them nor do I wait for them.

[Vicimdhar]

I never quite understood compliments. I can understand feedback as I can use it to improve. Negative feedback gives points where you can improve on; positive feedback gives points on which you are already doing well. Both are useful, so I'm grateful if anyone provides me with any of them.

I can also understand it if people just speak their mind on something, either negative or positive. But why should there be gratitude for someone stating a certain opinion? If I give a 'compliment', I dislike receiving 'thanks' as it seems to imply that I said it as a favour to them and not as something I really meant.

I still try to avoid saying 'thanks' when someone gives me 'positive feedback' as it seems like an insult to the genuineness of the comment, so I usually say "That's nice/good/useful to hear".

From MBTI-perspective, I guess that 'complimenting' is probably more of an Fe-thing; just do whatever makes someone else happy. As people become happy by hearing positive things about themselves, why not go along with it? Then 'thanks' would be in order because someone said it as a favour to you. I guess there is sense in that, though I still dislike that perspective.

Oh yeah, downplaying myself is something I do as well, but it's something I've tried to get rid of. For example, when someone liked a photo I made, I always started pointing out the flaws. The result is that the person starts to see the flaws as well and doesn't like the photo that much anymore. It's the same in job interviews/presentations, so I'm trying to keep my self-critical comments mostly to myself.

[jimmywallaby]

I have always had an awkward feeling whenever I get praised for something especially in the workplace. If you get something done, while its all well and good, I have just always had the mindset that my job was to do the task at hand and do it right. Never really knew how to respond to them except the standard "thanks."

[disgruntledboy]

I find the hardest thing about receiving a compliment is to not discount it with the grocery list of things in your mind that tell you how you could have done better. In my opinion, if someone steps up to the plate to show some appreciation for something you've done, or if you look good today, it's worth the extra effort to bag your shit and just say "thanks". Keep it simple works really well in this case. If someone lays a really well-placed, sincere acknowledgement on me, I might go all-out and upgrade my response all the way to "thanks a lot!" Any more lavish than that, they'll think I'm being sarcastic again. No good. On the negative side, I am extremely uncomfortable with empty flattery or compliments designed to get on my ever-elusive "good side." They're usually pretty easy to spot though, and are traditionally rewarded with a limp thanks and enough silence to shut down the conversation. I have no time for that kind of manipulative nonsense.

[Neom4a1]

The other day I was doodling and a girl came over and said "Hey, that's a nice drawing." I automatically replied "No it's not.", but could instantly see that I'd hurt her feelings. I apologized for being "rude" and explained that the drawing was slightly off and that it should be like so etc. and she was fine, but had to point out, "you could have just taken the compliment, though". Wha? Why?! If I'm not self critical, how can I improve?! Some people I just don't understand...

[Freak]

Personally hate compliments...but respond by thanking the complimenting party. Accepting compliments means to me kind of end in itself ... whereas perhaps its just beginning for me on that specific task !

[True Rune]

I usually can handle it. Just a quick thanks or smile works. Though depending on the person, I always question the sincerity of it..

[Lucan]

I have a problem accepting a compliment. I generally do an analysis on the person, situation and motives. Is it an attempt to do idle chit chat, a possible con to get you to do something you don't want to or some other ulterior motive?

[John Galt]

I do not take compliments well because to me it only points out how others are content with something other than perfection, and that by being "good enough" I can never improve that which was complimented.

[Synamon]

I've always had trouble accepting compliments. Part of it is being singled out, I was never comfortable with that. Part of being introverted I suppose. As a defense mechanism I've always just tried to avoid getting complimented and when I do get them I ignore them if possible or just say thank you if I can't.

[LancDash]

I hate compliments, and have a serious issue with accepting them. My speculative nature, just wants to ask the complimenter 'are you deranged?'

A lot of the time I can be around friends having fun, they make ONE compliment and it ruins the night. I get really standoffish. I feel they're trying to impress me, the comment was made in jest, theyre trying to get into my pants, or any number of other things.

I have only ever taken one compliment seriously.

I also have a sick habit of, when I recieve a compliment immediatly getting sarcastic and proving them wrong. I take to much at face value.

ex:
Friend- 'Hey, you look nice today or Hello Sexy' ( I really detest the latter)

Me- *looks at them oddly* 'You realise I just cleaned my bathroom, and haven't washed my hair in three days, I'm far from looking like anything presentable'

If they fight me, I get uglier.

I'm insanely hard on myself as well...Being a INTJ is FABULOUS! :angry:

[strangeaslife]

When people tell me "good job", at least for simple things like giving a presentation in a college class or something, the response in my head is "what the hell? shut up." The outside response towards them is a quick little smile accompanied by an aversion of the eyes. The internal response is because it's so typical. Like they are saying it ... Why are they saying it?? I don't know. It's pointless to me. It's like, it's something I had to do, I did it, I did the best I could, it's over, let's move on. No need to celebrate.


Compliments on my looks... I react to them differently depending on the person. I never show flattery though, even if it does boost my self-esteem and ego a bit. If it's someone who is creepy in a way, I will let them know that I am slightly disturbed through my body language. Otherwise, I'll tend to try and be warm and show that I appreciate the uh... whatever it is. Specifically if it is a fellow female who I am comfortable with, I am more likely to give a more animated "thank you" and talk to them about whatever it is. Recently it has been my hair since I had dreadlocks for five years and recently cut them off.

If it is my intelligence or something similar, I tend to react sarcastically/smart-ass/act boastful. Say something like, "Yes, I am genius," in a kind of monotone/matter-of-fact way. It's fun because the other person tends to chuckle or at least smile, unless they are a smart-ass like me and respond that way, which is fun too.

I appreciate some compliments on specific work I do though. Some. Writing is important to me so it's nice to get compliments on it, if I feel they are sincere and even better if they are accompanied by some constructive criticism. It helps to take it more seriously and not them just trying to be nice or agreeable or something.


If someone compliments something, anything, which I think was just way below par... They definitely lose quite a bit of validity in my eyes and trust. It's like, "Okay well now I know who is full of BS..."

[Serket]

It depends on who the compliment is from.
Whats worse are compliment fishers, those who not so subtly hint that they want you to praise thier unextrodinary efforts.

[overclockedgirl]

I don't take compliments very well. People tend to think I'm humble a lot when I'm actually just annoyed that they're complimenting me on something stupid instead of something I have really accomplished that they didn't even notice. Sometimes I can't help myself and say something sarcastic, like yesterday: "I think you're a sweet girl" "Not really. If I'm nice it's because I used to be fat. That'll make you nice real fast if you want to get anything done." And I agree with previous posters that it depends on who it's from...I am very flattered by someone I really respect complimenting me.

[catd]

Yeah, I have high standards and my own internal sense of quality. I can be surrounded by people praising me and telling me I did an amazing job... but if I'm not satisfied it doesn't mean anything to me. I think, "wow, everybody has bad taste. I can't believe they think that's good. If I'd had more time I could have done better..."


Same here. I do art on the side and I have sold hundreds of pieces done in a certain medium. People rave about them. I honestly can't believe that they even buy them, much less love them that much. I mean I know I have artistic talent in some areas, but this is not one of them. I know I can do better with this medium. It still amazes me every time I sell one.

As for being complemented.... The more work I put into it the less I like being complemented on it. "Your hair looks great!" OK, thanks, no problem. But "Wow, that project you did.. blah, blah, blah" - Please stop talking about it! Don't know why. It's embarrassing. I'd rather work behind the scenes.





catd added to this post, 5 minutes and 32 seconds later...

It depends on who the compliment is from.
Whats worse are compliment fishers, those who not so subtly hint that they want you to praise thier unextrodinary efforts.

They are the worst! So transparent. I always ignore them.

[ssrprotege]

Yeah, I have high standards and my own internal sense of quality. I can be surrounded by people praising me and telling me I did an amazing job... but if I'm not satisfied it doesn't mean anything to me. I think, "wow, everybody has bad taste. I can't believe they think that's good. If I'd had more time I could have done better..."

I don't usually say stuff like that outloud though because people tend to think it means I want reassurance and I don't. I'll just think that they're overlooking flaws and potential problems.

Ironically I have no problem accepting compliments because I am an INTJ. I think compliments from outside and my own high standard separately. Well, they compliment me, that's good; but I just consider those compliments less than valid because I wasn't satisfied with it. Yet, if satisfied (rarely happens), however, I acknowledge compliments and feel very proud of myself. So, it really depends...yet I won't say I have too many troubles acknowledging compliments. Mostly I just say "thanks" and move on. As simple as that.

My friends say I am too perfectionistic, but I ignore their remarks. Without high standards, there will be no improvements, hence there will not be many ways to make myself nearer to the point of perfection. So that's my opinion about my perfectionism and compliments.

I usually can handle it. Just a quick thanks or smile works. Though depending on the person, I always question the sincerity of it..

Ditto.

Is it an attempt to do idle chit chat, a possible con to get you to do something you don't want to or some other ulterior motive?

Good point. When someone compliments to do chit chats, I become defensive.

[sriv]

It does not hurt myself, yet I can maintain my high standards.

For me, it is a better measure of social acceptance than of doing a good job. Is that your outlook when you say "it does not hurt"?

[ssrprotege]

Is that your outlook when you say "it does not hurt"?

What do you mean by that? Do you mean I say "it does not hurt" when it comes to compliments related to my outlook?

[sriv]

What do you mean by that? Do you mean I say "it does not hurt" when it comes to compliments related to my outlook?

No, I used the term "outlook" instead of "opinion".

Oh you edited. This is what I got out of it. You said that compliments do not hurt whereas everyone else seemed uncomfortable with compliments so I thought that you had a view similar to mine. Now that I read closer, I probably misinterpreted.

[ssrprotege]

No, I used the term "outlook" instead of "opinion".

Oh you edited. This is what I got out of it. You said that compliments do not hurt whereas everyone else seemed uncomfortable with compliments so I thought that you had a view similar to mine. Now that I read closer, I probably misinterpreted.

Oh, no, I just deleted it because "it does not hurt" may be subjected to various interpretations. I thought it will be too vague, so I edited. But actually you did get my meaning correctly. I will say you do have a similar stance on compliments: Compliments are okay (hence it isn't necessarily harmful), but it matters little, as I must be satisfied.

[jesse]

It really depends on the people who are giving the compliments, and on the situation in general. You can say I take an economist's point of view on compliments, as I do with talking: avoid creating an environment where they are excessively cheap because you can't distinguish the forest from the trees.

When I know I've put effort into something which pays off and get compliments, that's fine. Subconsciously I do contrast whether those recently received compliments were sincere or just a cheap trick to gain trust or put themselves into a better standing. I get suspicious when I get compliments on work which is in progress or on other minor aspects, such as whether I'm on time or not.

[echoi]

I appreciate compliments on my work but I dislike personal compliments...it just seems...unnecessary. I rarely give them out either.

[Vathir]

I appreciate compliments on something worth notoriety. Otherwise, it seems superficial and falls under the realm of "social rituals" which we INTJs can't stand.

[Mercury]

I don't have trouble accepting compliments. I just say Thank You or I appreciate that and keep it moving. In my experience people react negatively to this and I am not sure why. It's like I am expected to downplay the compliment or say thank you but in turn put myself down or something. I don't get it.

[SardonicSarcasm]

I often feel annoyed at receiving compliments, not just because I question their motive, but because I usually get complimented on irrelevant routine accomplishments or things that I would expect anyone to do. Working in a corporate environment I've learned to quickly say thank you but internally dismiss most compliments as empty, fake, or uninformed. Like being complimented on a good TPS report cover letter without looking at the quality of the report itself; god I love Office Space :). Compliments are cheap when the person giving them feels compelled to give them, or even worse it's their job to compliment you. One would not expect such anger to come from receiving a simple compliment, but I often feel that way if the complement is perceived as disgenuine or motivated. I don't doubt that some people give genuine compliments and those are appreciated, but with what I really struggle is when I'm expected to reciprocate and can't genuinely compliment the person. I can't be fake without feeling sick, lol, figured it'd be easy but I almost feel dirty.

[belitaangelica]

I don't know, perhaps it's the cynicism in me, but I often feel that many compliments are insincere. Maybe that's just because I realize the flaws in my personality/performance/etc. (whatever it is that is that is being complimented) and don't feel it necessarily merits a voiced compliment.

Receiving compliments does make me uncomfortable. That being said, I do enjoy complimenting people when I am sincerely impressed. I try to make it clear that I'm not just BSing because I have been on the other side.

[SiMey]

I'm pretty okay with compliments and generally say thanks and that I don't really need the compliment.

I have told people that complimenting me in public is like punishment to me as I don't want to be the centre of attention. I can handle it fine; it just isn't a way to reward me.

In public I try to be as humble as possible. I have to really hide my ego when I know I can do something really well. The last thing anyone wants to hear is the true response in my head - hell yeah I'm good and I know it! I kick ass baby!

I recently got a compliment from my boss's boss saying that I have the ability to work my way into a position at her level. Aside from not caring about climbing the ladder, I wanted to say in my best Little Britain voice " yeah I know".

[IF3157]

I can handle them fine, but I much prefer giving them to receiving them.

[Monte314]

Depending upon what is appropriate in the situation, I usually either turn it into a joke, or try to redirect attention by bringing up someone else's contribution.

[Cygnus]

Question from an ESTJ member:



So do you have trouble accepting compliments? If you do, why?
I have to believe the sincerity of the complment, so typically only appreicate them from close friends and loved ones. I would rather avoid the attention of everyone else :)

[enfpchick]

I accept compliments quite easily, probably a little too easy.
I just absolutley love compliments. They make me "feel" so good.
My family even accuses me of fishing for compliments, but i don't think so.

[Max]

I don't mind giving credit where credit is due, but I don't take compliments very well at all and I never really understood why :thinking:

[seoa]

so... having been on this forum a bit, i'm suspecting that a friend of mine might be intj (she's done the MBTI test a few times, with varying results that she's not been completely convinced about).

she has a tendency to depression via negative thought patterns, so my enfp-reaction is to provide positive thought replacements.

initially i used to offer straight compliments, which she always dismissed - either becoz she didn't agree that she did it well, or coz she knew she'd done it well "but it was easy" for her, so didn't count. frustrating :)

over the years, i've discovered that the one type of compliment she seems to accept is the comparative. if i say "oh i get jealous when i see how easy X is for you"... sometimes she says nothing, but body-language says she's accepted it. sometimes she uses it as a means to further instruct me on how i can be better at X... either response seems to indicate it's "worked".

but the problem is.... i want to keep doing it, coz i'm her friend, and she needs the positive input. but it's starting to (a) make me feel rubbish, coz i'm effectively putting myself down in order to build her up, and (b) i think it might be helping her to despise me more (she's always known she was more clever than me - i'm pretty bright, but she's genius-level intelligent - but she didn't seem to feel as superior to me before).

looking for advice... how can i help her to feel better about herself, without making both of us think i'm scum?