I am a female but I have problem connecting with females

[Bonamona]

All my life I've been more emotionally dependent on men than on women. I usually have expressed my deepest emotions and darkest secrets with boyfriends/male best friends compared to women, even though I have a few female best friends.

The price is that it made me less understanding of the nature of women sometimes.

It took my female best friend more than a year for her to properly teach me - how to detect female friends that are only taking advantage of you.

Like, it was only a year later, I had realized about one of my fake friends in the past -- all that she was doing, was just in order to steal my ex away. She was good and convincing in feeding me sad stories about her other exes to get my sympathy, and she tried to fuel my insecurities just to show my ex my weaknesses. (Thankfully, this ex and I are friends now, much to her displeasure). There was this also other fake female friend who tried to steal a fling away from me, but this time around I learnt not to give away any secret even though she tried her best by making up stories about me.

In college, I had an ex female best friend who came to me when she was socially excluded but ditched me after she saw a guy she liked paying a lot of attention to me and family (it is not my fault, i can't help it that i attracted suitors, and i did not give him attention). I also grew up with a female cousin who manipulated me to trust her with secrets so that she would tell everyone in high school what a lousy person I was and she tried to compete with me in everything (in the end, during this part of our lives, much to her dismay, I am the one who succeeded in terms of studies and career in comparison to her)

Basically when I review my history, it has a long trail of being taken advantage of by mostly women.

Has anyone ever had that problem? My mother said I should be proud that I at least am able to understand men more easily, as that has been the reason for women's jealousy towards me. But I still can't help feeling a little lonely sometimes. That is why I search for female friends online on certain occasions, sadly. I just feel so disconnceted from most girls. I've had much more male company than female company in my lifetime.

How does one tell if a girl is secretly after your guy? I don't want to make the same mistakes anymore. I learn to develop my gut, thankfully.

[LifesEcstasy]

I choose men as friends by preference. I find very little in the average female mind to recommend it for friendship. To know only a couple of females with whom I would consider friendship. Basically I find many females to be a minefield of jealousy and spite. I wouldn't trust a female with anything that was of importance to me.

This situation does not bother me in the least. I never feel like I'm missing out on anything worthwhile. This forum however is a refreshing change to the mundane encounters of females in the wild. I find most of the females here thoughtful and expressive. I wish I could say the same for the world out there.

[Bonamona]

I choose men as friends by preference. I find very little in the average female mind to recommend it for friendship. To know only a couple of females with whom I would consider friendship. Basically I find many females to be a minefield of jealousy and spite. I wouldn't trust a female with anything that was of importance to me.

This situation does not bother me in the least. I never feel like I'm missing out on anything worthwhile. This forum however is a refreshing change to the mundane encounters of females in the wild. I find most of the females here thoughtful and expressive. I wish I could say the same for the world out there.

''Basically I find many females to be a minefield of jealousy and spite.'' Care to share some experiences if you don't mind?

[maddhatter]

I, too, have problems with females =O
To start with, I don't like pink, teddy bears, fashion talks, gossip, makeups .... uh, is there more?
So I basically have nothing to talk with the girls and sometimes I don't like to talk to them either.
Boys are better, in a way that they don't spread rumor and talk as much gossip as girls. Even better, they'll lend a hand if you have any trouble

[ctclough]

I totally get what you are saying, and have had the same issues.

The thing is that over the years, I have figured out that I will really click with maybe 1 in 50 females. That's the good news or the bad news, depending on how you look at it!

I have two friends that are TJ's like me, and I just found another one! They like to do crazy stuff with me like discuss politics, literature, and art.

When I was younger, all my friends were jealous backstabbers too. The combo of intelligent, attractive to males, and " being too uppity" really made me a target.

There are TJ females out there. Don't give up hope! A TJ-TJ female friendship is awesome! I am really over the moon at how great my friends are. I could never really be myself around the "SF's" and always felt unacceptable to them. What I've discovered is that we ALL have a place in this world and that I like who I am. There are women out there who actually PREFER me, and that's really helped me totally accept and like who I am. It also helps me feel more comfortable to take a risk with more women since I have had some positive experiences.

[adastra]

I find female friendships trying because females seem too superficial to me. I don't care about reality TV, the Sex and the City movies, shoe shopping, or fake tans. Thus, I often find myself on the outskirts of every female conversation.

[ctclough]

I find female friendships trying because females seem too superficial to me. I don't care about reality TV, the Sex and the City movies, shoe shopping, or fake tans. Thus, I often find myself on the outskirts of every female conversation.

It's exactly like that with me and "FP" females. Have you ever met a "TJ" woman who is like you?

[adastra]

It's exactly like that with me and "FP" females. Have you ever met a "TJ" woman who is like you?
I've never met a woman like me, unfortunately. I'm kind of an oddity.

[Deliberator]

I've had a bad track record with females as well. What can I say? Sometimes they are petty, competitive, manipulative bitches.

That's not to say there aren't plenty of female people out there who are perfectly wonderful and nice to be around. My mother-in-law (ENFJ), my previous research mentor(xNTJ), my own mother (ENTJ), my grandmother (INTP), my sister (ENTP), and my boss' wife (ENTJ) are all wonderful women. Seeing a lot of N's and T's in that grouping, not surprisingly...

There are plenty of men who I wouldn't hang out with for anything, but they just don't play dirty the way women do. They won't give you that shit-eating grin while they stab you in the back.

[callalilly]

I haven't had a bad track with females, not a good one either. I would say my male/female friend ration has been 50/50. Both men and women are just as bad. I find the men, to be just as emotional and gossipy as the girls. As well as enormed with things of little to no importance to me.
I rarely hang out with either sex but in my span of being around them, they are the same.

[JulietCapulet]

Interesting post. I'm sorry you have had trouble this way and I think it makes sense in a lot of cases. I think if you get the feeling someone likes your guy you are probably right. But flirting seems to be the number one hobby in the world so it's hard to avoid and hard to prove. I say, if you feel more comfortable with men just stay with that as there is nothing wrong with it. Cheers!

---------- Post added 07-15-2010 at 12:51 AM ----------

It's exactly like that with me and "FP" females. Have you ever met a "TJ" woman who is like you?

Don't worry, not all FP females like things like sex in the city and fake tans. I don't and I am ENFP. :-)

[thod]

Anyone have any experience with eunuchs? Are they more like men or women?

[Marcus Septim]

Don't then,connect with males.they'll love you probably ;)

[masterpeach]

I choose men as friends by preference. [...] Basically I find many females to be a minefield of jealousy and spite.

So true. Women are ... don't know...not made for friendship. Even my best INTJ female friend had some mean prejudices against me. And all the nagging if you don't meet on a regular basis and don't quite fit in... no. Not for me. But men are not made for friendship (with a woman) either. It always ends up with one of both being emotionally involved.

[Aurelia]

How does one tell if a girl is secretly after your guy? I don't want to make the same mistakes anymore. I learn to develop my gut, thankfully.

I haven't had the experience of mate poaching myself but what I initially thought was these women are prone to envy and are very insecure. What's interesting according to this one article is that, "The most prolific mate thieves—both male and female—describe themselves as open to new experiences, sexually attractive and willing to talk about sex. Men and women who have received the most poaching attempts also tend to have these traits. One of the key ways that poaching seems to happen," says Schmitt, "is that you get two people together who are open to talking about their sexual feelings. It's a slippery slope."
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Here are some other articles:
Friend shows interest in the hobbies of your boyfriend, wants to spend time with the both of you etc.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Friend wants to know all the details of your relationship so she can work it to her advantage
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Did any of that ring true for you?

[Bonamona]

I totally get what you are saying, and have had the same issues.

The thing is that over the years, I have figured out that I will really click with maybe 1 in 50 females. That's the good news or the bad news, depending on how you look at it!

I have two friends that are TJ's like me, and I just found another one! They like to do crazy stuff with me like discuss politics, literature, and art.

When I was younger, all my friends were jealous backstabbers too. The combo of intelligent, attractive to males, and " being too uppity" really made me a target.

There are TJ females out there. Don't give up hope! A TJ-TJ female friendship is awesome! I am really over the moon at how great my friends are. I could never really be myself around the "SF's" and always felt unacceptable to them. What I've discovered is that we ALL have a place in this world and that I like who I am. There are women out there who actually PREFER me, and that's really helped me totally accept and like who I am. It also helps me feel more comfortable to take a risk with more women since I have had some positive experiences.


''The combo of intelligent, attractive to males..'' Does the ability to get along well with males also provoke jealousy from women? The combo of intelligent, getting along with males as friends, attractive to males --makes one an undeniable target?

[yoginimama]

I have two friends that are TJ's like me, and I just found another one! They like to do crazy stuff with me like discuss politics, literature, and art. ...There are TJ females out there. Don't give up hope! A TJ-TJ female friendship is awesome!

TJ women are also great to discuss relationships and family dynamics with, because they'll approach it analytically and conceptually. The two of you can really dig in and find insight together.

So basically, I second this: Find the TJ women. You sound like you're in an academic setting, which is a great way to start. Look for the ponytailed, t-shirt-wearing loners--the ones who are NOT giving off a "please notice me even though I'm pretending to be oblivious and above all that stuff" vibe. Look for the ones who really ARE oblivious, and heavily into whatever they're reading or writing or thinking about.

Good luck.

[Bonamona]

Mate poachers use an array of tactics to implement their strategy, ranging from derogating the partner (e.g., “She’s not good enough for you; you deserve someone who treats you better . . . like me”) to showcasing desirable qualities that the current mate lacks. Some mate poachers just want sex. Some want commitment. And some use a “bait-and-switch” tactic of seeming to offer costless sex, and then becoming more emotionally enmeshed until the man wakes up one day and realizes that he can’t live without her.

We may not like the tactics, but sometimes they work and sometimes they end up in successful unions. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt seem to have a pretty good relationship.

---------- Post added 07-15-2010 at 02:15 AM ----------

Did any of that ring true for you?

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

It reminds me of the 'friend' who took my ex.

She told me before that when she was with my ex, she felt guilty and actually she wasn't over her other exes, then she cried to me on the phone to get my sympathy......

All the while she would try to fuel my insecurities a few days later by saying things like my ex is getting better looking etc.. Then she would ask things about me and another guy etc

Thank God I've grown smarter :p

[Antares]

I have a lot of fun discussing why females wear such tight clothing with my guy friends. We were equally confused. According to a male INTJ friend, "the pockets on girl shorts are so small that you can't put anything in them! Why would you wear shorts like that?" This is one of the reasons I can never understand females; I dress for comfort and style. He also said that it's refreshing to hang around me because "unlike most girls, you order a huge main course for yourself that's not just salad and a fruit." I love my boys.

[LifesEcstasy]

''Basically I find many females to be a minefield of jealousy and spite.'' Care to share some experiences if you don't mind?

What I meant by this is that a lot of women think the way you gain personal power is by cutting someone else down. Of course that's the way the insecure try and gain personal power. I meet far too many women pre-occupied with what so and so has and whether or not she deserves to have it, rather than what they can personally do to succeed in their own right. I have zero respect for that. If a man does the same, he is not worth my time either.

Until these women grow up and realise that one person's success is not their failure they will not have personalities worthy of my friendship. Nor incidentally will they have any kind of personal growth.

[Bonamona]

''It is safe to assume that poached people may have reservations about the security and permanency in their new relationship. They may be dubious about the current mate’s commitment and future conduct. Since fidelity, commitment, trust and respect are the foundation of a healthy and secure relationship, a poached union may be unstable.'''' So if a female or a male took your partner away when you were friends with that person, I suppose this could be of comfort.


Btw just asking (even if this doesn't relate to thread)..would you consider open sex talk with a partnered person as infidelity?

[AtheneNoctua]

I find female friendships trying because females seem too superficial to me. I don't care about reality TV, the Sex and the City movies, shoe shopping, or fake tans. Thus, I often find myself on the outskirts of every female conversation.

Most people are superficial and talk about things that hold very little interest. I often find myself on the outskirts of male conversation as I don't care about Megan Fox, wrestling or football. The theme running through this thread seems to be that women are mindless airheads and men are intelligent, accepting and always helpful.
I am here, if you like, to defend the gender.

Going to an all-girls school, I suppose I haven't had much choice about interacting with other females. I'm not going to pretend that I like all of them and that some people's shallowness doesn't irritate me, but I never once thought to blame it on their gender - 'Oh, that's just females - they're spiteful and petty etc.' but rather 'Oh, that's just Amy, she's spiteful and petty' (for example). Your gender is not indicative of your personality.

There are complaints about how judgemental females are, but the amount of judgement and prejudice in this thread is almost unbelievable. And it angers me. [/rant]

[LifesEcstasy]

There are complaints about how judgemental females are, but the amount of judgement and prejudice in this thread is almost unbelievable. And it angers me. [/rant]

Maybe that's because the contributors are....wait for it. Female. Tada!:p

Meh...judgements abound in everyone. I'm just posting that in my experience the majority of the people with whom I find no friendship are incidentally female and the reasons for that. I don't recall posting that men were generous and helpful and kind in fact I can't find any reference in any of my posts to men being all glorious.

[Distance]

For women who have difficulty making female friends, on a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 is not competitive at all and 10 is "hell ya', I keel dem all" where would you place yourselves?

[Feral]

For women who have difficulty making female friends, on a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 is not competitive at all and 10 is "hell ya', I keel dem all" where would you place yourselves?

I don't need to compete.

I have the same issue. All of my close friends have always been guys. Sometimes I wish I could have a girl friend or two. I used to have a few, they were fun. But most women piss me off.
I'm a tomboy, and have a hard time being girly.

I don't play into any drama, I hardly ever drink, I don't do smalltalk, I don't sleep around, I don't get into fights with people, I don't have to cry to someone about every damn thing, because I'm really not very emotional.
These are the traits that I see in most women who are around me, and they drive me bonkers. Every once in awhile there will be one I can stand hanging out with for an hour or two, but mostly not.

So I may occasionally have that pang of longing for a female friend, it never lasts long once I start thinking about it!

[ctclough]

''The combo of intelligent, attractive to males..'' Does the ability to get along well with males also provoke jealousy from women?

Anything that makes others feel threatened and jealous can bring out the cat claws. Since I'm not a competitive person toward other females, I learned this by getting scratched a few times. I'm kind of a peace-loving, hippie type, and I used to assume others were the same. Whooops! Some of the FP's are trying so hard to get guys to talk to them, and the value the acceptance so highly, that our natural affinity for males must frustrate them to no end. I think it's like the jealousy shown when we do no homework and show up and get "A's". No fair! Guys like you better than me, and I just spent 3 hours on my hair and make-up, not to mention the expense of these Prada heels! Waaahhhhh! :cry:

It's not about YOU, it's about THEM. Be who you are and enjoy yourself. You will eventually meet some other TJ females! Look at this forum, we are out there!

[JulietCapulet]

Anything that makes others feel threatened and jealous can bring out the cat claws. Since I'm not a competitive person toward other females, I learned this by getting scratched a few times. I'm kind of a peace-loving, hippie type, and I used to assume others were the same. Whooops! Some of the FP's are trying so hard to get guys to talk to them, and the value the acceptance so highly, that our natural affinity for males must frustrate them to no end. I think it's like the jealousy shown when we do no homework and show up and get "A's". No fair! Guys like you better than me, and I just spent 3 hours on my hair and make-up, not to mention the expense of these Prada heels! Waaahhhhh! :cry:

It's not about YOU, it's about THEM. Be who you are and enjoy yourself. You will eventually meet some other TJ females! Look at this forum, we are out there!

A natural affinity for males means that you have a natural liking for males. I think there are FPs who fit this category. Did you happen to do a study about this because I'm not sure I have seen any evidence of this phenomenon. In my experience it's always the ENFP, ENFJ and ESFP women who get the most attention from men. I don't think I get all that much but I see a lot of other women in these categories really doing well in that department. Also, I am ENFP but I get along really well with TJ women, in fact almost all my friends are TJ. I don't spend more than ten minutes on my hair most days and I never wear heels or shoes that are very expensive. But I do understand there are some annoyingly self centered women out there that are probably good to stay away from. But I'm not sure it's a good idea to write all FP women off.

[LifesEcstasy]

For women who have difficulty making female friends, on a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 is not competitive at all and 10 is "hell ya', I keel dem all" where would you place yourselves?

I rate myself a 2 on that scale. Any competitive urge only spurs me forward upon my own path I am very unlikely to directly compete with another person. Its sometimes inspirational for me to see someone elses success.

---------- Post added 07-16-2010 at 09:45 AM ----------

A natural affinity for males means that you have a natural liking for males. I think there are FPs who fit this category. Did you happen to do a study about this because I'm not sure I have seen any evidence of this phenomenon. In my experience it's always the ENFP, ENFJ and ESFP women who get the most attention from men. I don't think I get all that much but I see a lot of other women in these categories really doing well in that department. Also, I am ENFP but I get along really well with TJ women, in fact almost all my friends are TJ. I don't spend more than ten minutes on my hair most days and I never wear heels or shoes that are very expensive. But I do understand there are some annoyingly self centetered women out there that are probably good to stay away from. But I'm not sure it's a good idea to write all FP women off.

Maybe it's useful here to differentiate between the different types of attention from men. I get a lot of attention from men but almost none of it is sexual. If a female was primping herself in order to get attention from a male I can guarantee you she is after sexual attention. These are two entirely different things and certainly nothing to inspire any kind of jealousy.

I also don't think it's got much to do with T & F to be honest. What determines someone's suitability to hanging out with me is where their preoccupation is. Is it in self improvement, intellectual pursuits and arts? Or is it in drinking, partying and associated social activities. I am more likely to get along with the former.

[zeeo]

From what I've observed, females are more prone to tell to other people what you share with them-- stories, secrets, etc. Males tend to "forget" those stories, and they would only remember these if you remind them of such.

Oh, and most females are very preoccupied with fashion, their crushes, and other superficial things. They base "friendship" on the level of secret-sharing. If you share "juicy" secrets with them, then most probably they would pay attention to you. (Well, some men are like this too ._.)

That's why I love my NT friends(all of them are male :O). I could talk about aliens, conspiracy theories, astronomy, school stuff, secrets, and still laugh about it.

[vampyroteuthis]

I've found that a lot of people will accept or overlook behaviours and traits in a member of the opposite gender that they won't with someone of their own gender, perhaps because of a willingness to attribute these behaviours and traits to gender.

[HAL 9000]

I've found that a lot of people will accept or overlook behaviours and traits in a member of the opposite gender that they won't with someone of their own gender, perhaps because of a willingness to attribute these behaviours and traits to gender.

Good point. Going a little off topic, the same concept could be applied to interactions between individuals of different cultural backgrounds.

This is probably me making an intuitive leap, but maybe stereotypes are, in some ways, good things for that reason. I guess it all has to do with whether you are more tolerant of groups or individuals.

[ctclough]

A natural affinity for males means that you have a natural liking for males.

You're right. Poor word choice. More like camaraderie. It is not an attention getting thing, at all. TJ females tend to have traditionally "male" qualities, and seem to most easily relate to males.

I've spent quite a bit of time being picked on or excluded by "FP's." TJ females don't tend to "fit in." So, being one yourself, I doubt you'd understand the prejudice we can feel from "typical" F women. Others on the board have had lots of tough times similar to mine, so I doubt it's an isolated case.

I've personally not had any problems with TJ females.