Reaction to a transgender "coming out"

[Lucan]

Let's say that a very good friend comes to you and openly tells you that they are a transgender person. My reaction would be that scientifically transgended people do exist and I would still accept this friend as a friend , I might often ask questions as to understand the transgender issue more as I do not know much about it. And asking someone who is living in this situation certainly gives you a different perspective of it. My question is how would you react? And would there be any difference due to the personality type? (ie. INTJ,ENTP ect..)

[rara avis]

I would be concerned for them, though in principle I don't have a problem with the concept. It just seems like such a very a messy process, psychologically, emotionally, physically.

And this is going to sound cold, maybe, but I'm having trouble trying to imagine the level of relationship I'd have to already have with someone that I'd be inspired to draw any closer to such a pita, dramatic situation. Not that I'd ditch out in any way on close, established friends or family- there would be no question, there, that I'd be in the trenches championing and helping to sort things out as needed. But I am not drawn to this kind of thing- if it were someone who was, say, a medium-level friend or acquaintance, something like this could easily cause me to grow apart from them.

[daydreamer]

it is doubtful that i would become close friends with someone without knowing something like this to begin with. i'm pretty nosy! i like to know a lot about a person before getting closer.

but i suppose it is all about timing, because on the other hand, if someone started to disclose a lot of personal information to me too quickly, it could turn me off and i might not become any closer with that person.

the issue of their being transgendered? is a non-issue... what matters is if we hit it off as friends. i've learned that making close friends cannot be forced, even when two people like each other, it either happens or it doesnt. it is unfortunate that sometimes people may focus on their insecurities or a nebulous belief in prejudice and take personal offense to this reality but i cannot always stop their interpretations.

[rara avis]

it is doubtful that i would become close friends with someone without knowing something like this to begin with. i'm pretty nosy! i like to know a lot about a person before getting closer.

This is true for me too, I'm having trouble imagining a scenario where a coming-out of some kind is a big surprise to me.

[Samoan Corleone]

I wouldn't mind it too much; this friend would be the same person after their big reveal as they were before it. If anything, it'd tighten the friendship due to the fact they'd choose to share such personal information with me.

[Chshrkat09]

I agree with the fact it would be an emotional, psychological issue. It depends on your comfort level and if you could put up with other people asking you questions about your friend or not. Me personally, I would have no issue with it. It is their choice and feeling, if they came out to you then they regard you as a close friend in which they fully trust. The best thing is situations as this is make yourself available to listen to them and only give advice you feel comfortable about. My one college friend came out last year about being a lesbian, in a very hardcore catholic belief family. She kept calling me for advice, the best thing I could do for her was to let her talk and I listen, it comforted her and she made her decision.

I hope this helped you a bit. Nothing wrong getting in the trenches as long as you can take the talk and criticism of narrow minded people.

[plotthickens]

They're just folks. Whether or not they're worth my time depends on their personality, not what's between their legs.

[mindstate]

I don't see why it would have to affect our friendship. If I liked the person enough to be friends before I knew about them being a trans-gendered person why should I distance myself on merit of a lifestyle? Hopefully if the person was comfortable enough to tell me this, they are comfortable enough for my questions that would follow, and I would have a ton.

[reb]

along the lines of what plot said....if they were really 'a friend', this is like 'how they wear their hair' to me. big deal.

my criteria for friendship have become pretty strict, though. years ago, i knew a young man who was 'female' inside his body. wanted a sex change, couldn't afford it. he was totally unpredictable, always getting in some kind of trouble. so many emotional issues, i did not dare let him involve me in his drama filled life. in fact, i've known several people like that, of all preferences. like 'em, won't get too close.

i just don't make friends of people who are 'risky' with their behaviours...it wasn't his 'sexual identity', it was his behaviour. there's 'discreet and careful', and then there's 'right in yer face'. i don't like trouble.

[WoodElf4U]

I knew someone years ago that decided to get a sex change, but our relationship was pretty one dimensional. We were both in a group that played online games together. One day someone logged in as "Mellisa" and I asked who it was, my gamer friend said "Dave goes by Mellisa now" and I said "Huh, ok" and that was it.

I think it was unfortunate, that Mellisa needed support, and didn't get much from online gamers (bug surprise) I'm pretty sure some of them would make jokes about it. I think that getting proper counseling is important, before going through transition, because you can't always rely on others to help you through it.

Having my own experience and insight that I do today, I would try to be more supportive. But at the end of the day, you can only do so much.

[SShack]

Funny story. When I first started coming out as gay, it turned out that one of my friends was also coming out as transgendered. So we ended up coming out to each other, essentially. I was friends with her through the transition but we fell out and lost contact about four years ago.

It actually was a big surprise to me at the time, because I was going through my own thing so I never even noticed.

Obviously I didn't have any issues with it. I doubt an ENTP would. Actually for me the hardest part was trying to remember who knew and who didn't before she made the full transition and being careful not to say anything revealing when people who didn't know were present.

[Felis Chaus]

I wouldn't personally have any issues at all, but I may be biased because I am a lesbian, so I'm used to hanging around with all sorts of queer people in general.
When I was younger, I was a bit offset by encountering a transgender person, but that's probably because I didn't quite know what to think at that point. My only other INTJ friend is transgender, so I can only imagine how icky the emotional aspect is (seeing as our type is fond of keeping everything locked inside). But I am very good friends with him, and that aspect of him doesn't bother me a bit.

[Ryokurin]

Granted that's to the extreme, but I don't think I would have a problem. I'll probably do like I did when a guy I worked with a lot came out at work (wasn't an announcement, the topic just came up) I just said "that's cool" and left it at that. I've been different all my life, I'm going to try my best not to do that to others.

[stasis]

My question is how would you react?
Positively, probably. Perhaps neutrally from their perspective. Never apprehensively or negatively. Personally, I could not care less. Socioculturally, I'm very much in favor of ever-more variation and distinction. And politically, fuck the moralists.

[InfiniteLoop]

I've actually had this happen. Over IM, no less. I'm very accepting, but it was still unexpected. This is precisely how it happened:

Friend: Can I tell you something?
Me: Sure.
Friend: Promise you won't tell anyone? *She's very insecure*
Me: I promise. You can trust me. *And people can; if you tell me a secret I will take it with me to my grave*
Friend: I just... haven't told many people this...
Me: It's fine. You can trust me and I swear I won't tell anyone. Shoot. *Is thinking she's going to come out as gay or something, which I already somewhat suspected*
Friend: I'm transgendered Male to Female.
Me: *thinking* O.o Okay... not what I expected...
*Things are a bit awkward for all of five seconds*
Friend: *proceeds to tell me every detail of how she feels about it*
Me: *proceeds to be accepting, because you can't just dump a friend because their revelation of their true self isn't what you thought it was*

I haven't spoken to her in a while. But she looks pretty good in a dress - better than I do, in fact. XD

[Paul Siraisi]

If it was male going to female, I'd still treat it as a male.

If it was female going to male, I'd treat it as a male. Unless she was one of these 'I'm male in my mind' deals, but still with a fully female body. Then in reality she's still female and I'd probably try to educate her about what is reasonable to expect of people.

[Lucan]

I wouldn't personally have any issues at all, but I may be biased because I am a lesbian, so I'm used to hanging around with all sorts of queer people in general.
When I was younger, I was a bit offset by encountering a transgender person, but that's probably because I didn't quite know what to think at that point. My only other INTJ friend is transgender, so I can only imagine how icky the emotional aspect is (seeing as our type is fond of keeping everything locked inside). But I am very good friends with him, and that aspect of him doesn't bother me a bit.

So it seems that you are obviously accepting of your transgender friend , in your own experience would you say that a transgender person is more discriminated against as the gay and lesbian culture has become more acceptable in the last few years or not ?

My friend feels that it is more difficult for a transgender person to find acceptance than a gay or lesbian person, though they do seem to find more support within the gay or lesbian community. Perhaps it is because transgender people make some people look at themselves in a light that they do not like.

[Distance]

A friend is a friend. If they needed to come out for their own emotional health, I'd be touched that they trusted me enough to do so.

[Trevor Black]

I'd tell him/her I'm a polyamorous pansexual.

Who cares. I've seen weirder stuff.

[Lucan]

A friend is a friend. If they needed to come out for their own emotional health, I'd be touched that they trusted me enough to do so.

I agree , however this friend has chosen to stay as their assigned gender at birth which is female and not to do a transcision to the gender they feel they are which is male(F2M). They do have their own family and a child too. The decision not to persue a sex change is a personal one and as this friend is an INTJ as well the cost and social strain on the family has been cited as the reason not to persue the matter.

She has spoken to her husband about the whole situation and he has been supportive the whole time, this is a man I have a great respect for as it has not changed his view point or care for his wife. I just wonder if later on she would end up regretting her decision. I would still be her friend regardless of the outcome.

[Booko]

The first time that happened I did what I expect many INTJs might do: Research it to death in order to avoid putting my foot into anything by accident and hurting the person.

The research was pretty clear though, that gender isn't as cut and dried as we once thought. So I don't even skip a beat anymore.

Early this year someone I knew online for years came out and I changed my form of address from "he" to "she" w/o thinking.

This would all seem just like the purely medical issue it really if our society didn't spring from such a history of repressive "don't talk about it! eweee!" when it comes to sex.

For me it has no more impact than someone announcing their going to have gall bladder surgery. My reaction: Is there anything you need I can help with?

[InfiniteLoop]

My friend feels that it is more difficult for a transgender person to find acceptance than a gay or lesbian person, though they do seem to find more support within the gay or lesbian community. Perhaps it is because transgender people make some people look at themselves in a light that they do not like.

My friend feels very similarly, and to a degree I think it's true - people say, "Okay, so you don't want to accept that you're supposed to want to marry the opposite sex. That's fine. But you don't want to naturally accept your own body?" I think it's something about the idea that someone is so uncomfortable with their own body because they feel it's the wrong body for them that offends people - yet if that is the case, why aren't people offended when a fat person feels so uncomfortable about their body fat that they get liposuction to be skinny, or when an already naturally beautiful woman decides "Hey, maybe I should enhance my boobs"? How come body modification, such as piercings and tattoos, acceptable? If it's socially acceptable for these people to change themselves to fit how they see themselves, why is it unacceptable for a 'man' who knows she's really a woman inside to change herself in order to fit with it?

My opinion is that it's all pretty much a matter of religious belief, especially in Judeochristian religions (but not always). Those most against transgendered rights and sex changes see these people as not being happy with what God gave them, and therefore believing that they're entitled to change it, which would be blasphemous on the level of suicide to someone who does believe in God. This is of course not true - transgendered people don't necessarily believe God made a mistake or that they're entitled to change, but they do feel fundamentally wrong with how their body is and the role society forces on the gender they appear to be. To come out gets them condemned; to act contrary to their outward appearance gets them condemned. It's really no wonder they're so scared to tell people how they really feel. It's also no wonder, then, that they find support in the GLBT community (the T stands for Transgendered anyway), a group that's been discriminated against themselves and therefore knows what it feels like to be at odds with society, which is invariably run by, if not deeply steeped in, religion. And unfortunately, for all the loving kindness its saints, patrons, and martyrs claim to offer, Judeochristian religions simply aren't the most forgiving and loving, for some reason, especially in America (no thanks to our Puritan roots).

And I'm not sure if you realize how you're coming off, Paul, but you sound almost as if you think transgendered people can be 'educated' out of being transgendered and into being what their body is on the outside. I'm sure that's not what you meant, but it sounds a little condemning to me...

[Ian Morrison]

I've got to say that my own reaction would be confusion. I suspect it's a matter of education on my part, but I've never understood how someone could be unhappy with their own body like that. I'm generally not a fan of body modification in general, really, beyond surgery for health's sake.

That said, if a friend were to come out like that, I'd accept it after making an effort to try and understand where they're coming from. It's not like I treat my female friends all that differently from my male ones, anyhow, so I don't see how it could make that much of a difference.

It'd confuse the HELL out of my pronoun use, though!

[GouldFan]

I don't see any problem with that. My reaction will border between a mild surprise and curiosity. I would be supportive if their decision seem 'rational' and sound. Just thinking back at the list of my friends I have, I wouldn't mind if any of them decides to come out as a different gender or such.

[Commissar]

Eh, if they're sure about their decision, then it wouldn't much matter to me. Sure, it might be a bit surprising depending on who it was, but they're still the same person on the inside.

[Danisty]

I have a few online friends who have come out as transwomen. One of them is a member of a female-only forum and none of the women of this forum have any trouble relating to her as a woman. Really that's no surprise because regardless of the body they were born in, they've always truly been women.

If it was male going to female, I'd still treat it as a male.Wow, that is just completely disrespectful. Transgendered people aren't "its" and it's just rude to address anyone in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

I've got to say that my own reaction would be confusion. I suspect it's a matter of education on my part, but I've never understood how someone could be unhappy with their own body like that. I'm generally not a fan of body modification in general, really, beyond surgery for health's sake.In most cases, gender reassignment surgery is a case of surgery for health's sake. The suicide rates among transgendered people who are unable to express their gender are very high.

It'd confuse the HELL out of my pronoun use, though!It's not that hard. Use the pronoun that matches their gender rather than their biological sex. You can always just ask them what they'd like to be called. Most of them are happy to let you know their preferences and grateful that you even think to ask.

[Margot]

My reaction would depend on the conditions of the situation in which my very good friend revealed this information to me. I would probably tailor my reaction depending on their mood, language, urgency, as well as whatever was occupying my own mind at the time. I hope I'd thank them for trusting me with that kind of information and present a calm, accepting demeanor to this friend so that they don't feel that telling me was a bad idea. I'd probably research and think about issues related to being transgendered so I have a better understanding of what my friend is going through. Whether or not we'd continue being close is hard to say for certain as I don't know what effect the introduction of this information would have on our social dynamic, but given my track record with other friends and similar situations, I doubt it'd be much of a problem.

[Just So]

Isn't this the same as cross-dressing ? A transgender person is someone who dresses in a manner which does not match their biological gender, right ? Having a sex-change operation does not make a person transgender.

Generally I would avoid a person who did this. The times I have seen a transgender person in public, it has struck me as grotesque.

If someone I knew revealed to me that they were transgender, I would be wary of them but not cut them off. I am heterosexual but sometimes have had problems with being hit upon by gays. Have experienced straight guys guessing that I'm gay (I think it's based upon my looks) and treating me accordingly. So I try to avoid situations where people might get the wrong impression of me, and that includes associating with transgenders.

[Danisty]

Isn't this the same as cross-dressing ? A transgender person is someone who dresses in a manner which does not match their biological gender, right ? Having a sex-change operation does not make a person transgender.

Generally I would avoid a person who did this. The times I have seen a transgender person in public, it has struck me as grotesque.

If someone I knew revealed to me that they were transgender, I would be wary of them but not cut them off. I am heterosexual but sometimes have had problems with being hit upon by gays. Have experienced straight guys guessing that I'm gay (I think it's based upon my looks) and treating me accordingly. So I try to avoid situations where people might get the wrong impression of me, and that includes associating with transgenders.No, you're actually completely wrong about this. Cross-dressing does not indicate anything about a person's gender. In fact, it doesn't even indicate anything about their sexual orientation. A man can be comfortable as a man and self-identify as a man and still enjoy wearing women's clothing. A man can be straight and enjoy wearing women's clothes. A transgendered person's physical sex does not match their gender. In simpler terms, they were born in the wrong body. They know deep inside that they are one gender, but their physical traits match the other gender. It would be like you knowing that you are a man, but having been born with the body of a woman. You really should do some reading on this:

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[Bluesea]

If it was male going to female, I'd still treat it as a male.

If it was female going to male, I'd treat it as a male. Unless she was one of these 'I'm male in my mind' deals, but still with a fully female body. Then in reality she's still female and I'd probably try to educate her about what is reasonable to expect of people.

It is inappropriate to refer to a person as an "it". Also the reason someone is transgendered is because he or she feels inappropriately sexed from who they are in actuality inside. There is a difference between sex and gender. So if the person was a male going to a female it is validating to her real identity to acknowledge the person as a female, as that is who she feels inside her body that she is. If the person is a female going to male it is important to relate to the person as a male. To do as you suggest above is psychologically and emotionally harmful to the person as this is the essential trauma they have been living with their entire life. It is very hard emotionally and psychologically to be treated as the opposite of who you really are by everyone all the time and to have to act in roles that are the opposite of what feels appropriate to you and then to develop a secure identity. This is why people can move to transsexualism and get the operation, to align who they are inside with who they are outside, so that people can relate to them appropriately and they can live an aligned existence socially.

Transgender sexual and role change is a process and takes time. People can move through different experimental phases before they find out what fits best for themselves. Transsexual change does involve dressing and living as a person of the opposite gender so the doctors involved with the physical change process can be assured the person truly wants this change and has lived the reality and understands what it means before they assist them medically to achieve this. So if the person is "one of these 'I'm male in my mind' deals, but still with a fully female body. " they need to be acknowledged as a male as this is their true identity. Being a friend of the person would be to do this for them.

I have known several transgender and transsexual people, their life can be very psychologically and emotionally painful when they are living in a pre-coming out and coming out stage but less so when they can live more authentically within their gender identity. For some, it still remains difficult afterwards as well, as we live in a world that does not always respond well to difference. If we are a friend, be a friend, and accept the person for who he or she says he or she is inside.

[Elfrun]

A transgendered person's physical sex does not match their gender. In simpler terms, they were born in the wrong body. They know deep inside that they are one gender, but their physical traits match the other gender. It would be like you knowing that you are a man, but having been born with the body of a woman. You really should do some reading on this:

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Yes they should do some reading as their understanding is lacking, but the term transgender is an umbrella term that includes cross-dressers and anyone who deviates from gender norms, what you're talking about is a transsexual.

[reb]

just as a counterpoint to this overly sensitive complaining about the use of the word 'it'....we're all 'its'. neither you nor i nor any other swingin' dick or flopping labia know what the fuck we are...we think we know, but this is our little illusion brought about by our great insecurity about 'what it means to be human'.

so all you its try to be happy, and focus on 'what is gender, and how do we accept the other its despite their own confusion about what gender they are?'.

reminds me of choosing up sides for baseball in grammar school...big ast deal about who is chosen last, what they are 'called' and the position they get to play....and it really doesn't matter if you play at all. goddamn people....someone drop the bomb and give us some relief from the picayune!

[Ian Morrison]

It's not that hard. Use the pronoun that matches their gender rather than their biological sex. You can always just ask them what they'd like to be called. Most of them are happy to let you know their preferences and grateful that you even think to ask.

Oh, it's not that. It's that force of habit would have me wanting to use one, and I'd probably have to catch myself to use what THEY'D prefer.

My mouth does, on occasion, run on autopilot.

[Danisty]

Yes they should do some reading as their understanding is lacking, but the term transgender is an umbrella term that includes cross-dressers and anyone who deviates from gender norms, what you're talking about is a transsexual.That's really a bit debatable even within the trans community. This is one of the reasons it's so hard to explain it to outsiders. There is a lot of overlap of definitions and different people use the terms with slightly different meaning. Basically, it depends on who you ask within the community. I think this comes from an emotional need for others to understand exactly what a person's circumstances are and how that's different from the next person who seems to be in the same boat, but isn't necessarily. This conversation hasn't even yet touched on the idea that gender is a spectrum. Personally, I'll be happy when gender isn't even important enough for people to talk about. I don't even like the use of the term cisgender as a contrast to transgender because I don't like the idea that there is behavior that is considered appropriate or normal for a gender. Gender roles piss me off.

[sunlover]

I'd ask them to see a good psychiatrist as your either born xx or xy. No different than someone "feeling" they're really a mongoloid encased in a caucasian body. We are what we are, just need to deal with it. Society needs to stop trying to have every abnormal tendency be justified with political correctness. Or has common sense been ruled politically incorrect?...wait don't respond I already know the answer.

[Margot]

I'd ask them to see a good psychiatrist as your either born xx or xy. No different than someone "feeling" they're really a mongoloid encased in a caucasian body. We are what we are, just need to deal with it. Society needs to stop trying to have every abnormal tendency be justified with political correctness. Or has common sense been ruled politically incorrect?...wait don't respond I already know the answer.

What if the psychological experience of identifying with a different biological sex than whichever they were born into was part of that whole "we are what we are" thing for this transgendered person?

[plotthickens]

I'd ask them to see a good psychiatrist as your either born xx or xy.

Personal judgements based on bad science aren't moral... just painfully gauche. A little light reading so that your pronouncements won't make better-educated folks wince and change the subject:
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[Valiyn]

You forgot Swyer syndrome (XY female) and de la Chapelle syndrome (XX male). Chromosomes clearly are not absolute in determining gender or even sex.

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[Ian Morrison]

I'm with Danisty, I'll be quite happy when gender roles cease to be an issue at all. It's assinine to be putting people in boxes based soley on the shape of their genitalia (or presumed genitalia).

[Reon]

Let's say that a very good friend comes to you and openly tells you that they are a transgender person. My reaction would be that scientifically transgended people do exist and I would still accept this friend as a friend , I might often ask questions as to understand the transgender issue more as I do not know much about it. And asking someone who is living in this situation certainly gives you a different perspective of it. My question is how would you react? And would there be any difference due to the personality type? (ie. INTJ,ENTP ect..)

Eh. It doesn't matter. S/He's already a good friend on mine based on the scenario so it doesn't matter. I think that I would prefer someone be transgendered if they seriously don't like being in their body, I have a few trans friends and while they do suffer from social stigma, you can tell that they are just...purely happy. They are finally okay with themselves. They finally feel 'at home' with their sexuality. If they suddenly get a gender change, I might need to readjust a bit (A normal 'man' changing gender to a woman and then acting extremely girly. Nothing wrong with that, I just might need to adjust if they exhibit a extreme personality shift because of not having to stick to gender roles) Other than that, I'd be okay with it. I'd be a bit concerned about their mentality health immediately following the gender change though, transgenders have an abnormally high suicide rate.

[Elfrun]

That's really a bit debatable even within the trans community. This is one of the reasons it's so hard to explain it to outsiders. There is a lot of overlap of definitions and different people use the terms with slightly different meaning. Basically, it depends on who you ask within the community.

The definition of transgender and transsexual really aren't debatable, even the link you posted explained that transgender covers cross dressers, transsexuals and other gender variances:

While people self-identify as transgender, transgender identity includes many overlapping categories. These include cross-dresser (CD); transvestite (TV); androgynes; genderqueer; people who live cross-gender; drag kings; and drag queens; and, frequently, transsexual (TS).

[Tabemashoo]

Well, I am trans, so obviously I wouldn't care. Since I'm post-transition (FTM), most people find me looking for information on what they can do anyway XD

It's good to finally feel at home in your body.

[Danisty]

The definition of transgender and transsexual really aren't debatable, even the link you posted explained that transgender covers cross dressers, transsexuals and other gender variances:You've obviously never been in such a debate.

[saberu]

I find transgender people offensive. At some level Im curious as too what happened that left them so confused and willing to mutilate themselves. It would be a rare or extreme case of physical deformity that would make sex change acceptable to someone like me.

[Takeru]

I really wouldn't care since he/she is my friend. However, I don't think I'll be too close to such a person in the first place. What I will say is that being transgendered is a hard thing and there will be a lot of times that a transgendered person have to go against his/her own principles just like anybody else. A person does what he/she needs to survive over not following what goes against his/her principles (like choosing male over female even though the person believes he is a she. Or having people call the person a he since he hasn't gone through the "procedure.")

Nothing too personal. Not going to talk about how a transgendered person has it harder than anybody else.