How Much Validation Do You Need?

[Spartan26]

I'll go ahead and leave this as broad as you want to make it. *It might be easy to assume INTx's would be camels in this dept but maybe not. *If so, how much or how often do you need validation? *From what areas does it need to come from? *Is there anyone whose validation means more than another? *What serves best as validation for you? *Do you have the same traits/need in different areas of live (e.g. relationships, work, creative endeavors, religion...)

How much validation do you give others? *Is the amount you give or receive something you consider much or want to work on?

(There that should keep ya busy!) *Any other comments on the matter truly welcome, though. *;D

[OneBadMother]

Hey, another INTP! Cool!

Well, generally speaking I don't give validation unless I think people have genuinely earned it or they're someone that is required in my life who would get upset if I didn't. I don't like validation without sincerity, so I don't really want to work on the amount I give. I should probably state my validation out loud more often, but the people I admire most don't generally need very much given validation in the first place.

As for me, validation from people I don't respect means nothing, nor does validation that seems to lack merit. Thus, compliments on my appearance are generally not needed or welcome, unless an occasional one from someone I particularly like. Even then, compliments on my ideas or humor are most prized, and when I get those every once in a while from someone I look up to I can practically fly. So, I like my validation in quality more than quantity. :P

[Rei]

It's odd. Generally I need none (from other people).

But if someone I really look up to shows up, I'll ask input from them... too much. The reason, I suspect would be that if there's someone even I will look up to, then certainly he/she might see something I could not that I should perfect.

[qwerty]

Hard question to answer as it's a catch 22 for me.

I do things for other people. The aim is to help them and aim them in the right direction. I don't do it to get thanks I just do it because they appear broken and I have this urge to fix them. It sounds extremely wrong to do as it's manipulative but honestly it's not. I have found that telling people what to do is wrong but showing people a path and opening a few doors for them is all they need.

So that's the catch right there, if people knew what I was doing then they would stop and resist the changes, as such most people seem to keep moving without realizing what I've done. Which is sort of bad because it gets to the stage where I start to wonder if I am actually helping people, then I get depressed and isolate myself and things start falling down around everyone else, and they come running.

The funniest one was last week where I told a person that this is what I did and it seemed so harsh and open that they completely ignored it, they couldn't even work out what I did for them.

Reading through that it seems very convoluted and I'm sorry but it's a bad writing day for me. But the point I'm trying to make is this: validation for me seems to be an oxymoron, whereas it might me nice every once in a while, it would completely destroy the work I've done.

[Guido]

Social engineering at it's prime :o If people become aware of what you're doing, they resist the changes. I told a girl once that I could read her like a book. She naturally didn't believe me, but after about 2 mins of me talking, she kicked me out of her room after admitting defeat. I can't say I do much social engineering myself. I do my best to make people aware of they don't see though. I guess it all depends on how you define engineering.

But yeah... to the topic. I've never really needed much validation for well... anything. I have no problem giving advice or my thoughts to anyone I know. I like it when I see that others appreciate my hard work and effort, but that's far from something I'd consider myself from 'needing'. The way I've always seen it is that some people demand respect, and others command it. Expecting compliments and praise is in a sense demanding respect.

[Zard Lucifer]

Unless I'm traversing a field out of my comfort zone, and I know someone who's better at it. Otherwise, I don't need any.

[rwyatt365]

Hmmm…validation.

What validation I need; the only validation that I am conscious of needing is confirmation, from the person that I am in an intimate relationship with, that the things that I do for them are pleasing to them. What I mean by that is if you are close to my heart (and most people aren’t), and I do something that I hope will make you happy, are you indeed happy? Of course, as an "I" I am hesitant to ask you for that feedback even though I desperately want to know! For anyone else, I really don't care what they think.

What validation do I give; frankly, not much I'm sorry to say (not really, but it sounds good). Over the years I have trained myself to give that "pat on the back". But it still feels unnatural and artificial. Now, here's the very odd part – and feel free to comment – I find it easier to validate those people that are NOT close to me than those people that ARE close to me. I can tell a co-worker, or subordinate "good job" more easily than I can tell my wife "your dinner was great". I don't understand that about myself.

[The Rose]

I don't need validation as much as I need to NOT be CRITICIZED.

[OneBadMother]

By criticism do you mean the acerbic, out-to-get-you kind or the constructive kind?

[rwyatt365]

I don't need validation as much as I need to NOT be CRITICIZED.
+1 there – very thin skinned :'(
By criticism do you mean the acerbic, out-to-get-you kind or the constructive kind?
IMO "constructive criticism" is just a code phrase for "I'm going to beat the hell out of you and you had better like it".

[thegnat]

specifically on *constructive criticism*: I will take it from anyone I feel who is more knowledgeable than I on whatever subject. This has caused conflicts between mom and I especially on tennis. I've played it longer than she has - am far better than she is. When she criticizes me in a way I don't feel is right - I won't take it. And I just won't give her criticism much thought honestly which sounds bad. But is true. However if a pro says something to me I'll take it. Very well.

Other criticism I don't take. The non-constructive kind whatever that's called.

On validation: The only validation I need is the validation I give myself. I don't like others to help me validate things either. And I don't care what they think.

On giving it - it's hard for me to give. But I'll give it to people if in my view they need it and I am able to help them. I know my limits. And whenever I do give help I usually don't get a thanks. But that doesn't matter to me. Unless they specifically asked me for it and I put in a lot of effort then I think I deserve a thanks. But if they didn't ask, none needed. I won't help often if they don't ask though. I've found people don't really go for that so much.

[shalalith]

Unless I'm traversing a field out of my comfort zone, and I know someone who's better at it. Otherwise, I don't need any.


I would agree with Lucifer. I don't need validation if I'm within my comfort zone, but I've been needing it a lot recently because I have been out of my comfort zone recently. Criticism doesn't help when I'm out of that zone either.

[The Rose]

By criticism do you mean the acerbic, out-to-get-you kind or the constructive kind?I was in my 30's when I finally learned that correction is not rejection.
Before that time, if someone criticized me or corrected me, I took it as rejection.
(The reason I did that is because my parents rejected me when they corrected me.)
Since it hurt so deeply, it was my goal to avoid it at all costs.

There is a good way to correct or criticize someone, and when someone who has the authority to do so corrects me in that way, I am able to accept it, and change my behavior accordingly.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it; it's called the sandwich method.
You say something authentically positive.
You give the correction.
You say another positive thing.
The negative is "sandwiched" between the 2 positives.

When my husband rants and raves at me because of my failures, it is destructive to my self-esteem, and creates the opposite effect from what he really wants. After a while, I fall into a self-destructive cycle of depression. He wants the floor vacuumed, but I am overwhelmed at my failure to be pleasing to my husband, which turns me inward, and prevents me from having the successful outlook I need in order to conquer the living room floor and the sink full of dishes and the piles of dirty laundry.

Instead, I spend hour upon hour mentally escaping my duties by spending time posting in online forums. ::)

[rwyatt365]

I was in my 30's when I finally learned that correction is not rejection.
Before that time, if someone criticized me or corrected me, I took it as rejection.
(The reason I did that is because my parents rejected me when they corrected me.)
Since it hurt so deeply, it was my goal to avoid it at all costs.
To me, there is a difference between criticism and correction. Correction is simply redirecting one to a different path. Criticism carries (IMO) a component of judgment and negativity.

There is a good way to correct or criticize someone, and when someone who has the authority to do so corrects me in that way, I am able to accept it, and change my behavior accordingly.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it; it's called the sandwich method.
You say something authentically positive.
You give the correction.
You say another positive thing.
The negative is "sandwiched" between the 2 positives.
…this I can relate to. It's like putting a pillow on the baseball bat – it spreads out the impact so it's easier to take and causes less damage.

When my husband rants and raves at me because of my failures, it is destructive to my self-esteem, and creates the opposite effect from what he really wants. After a while, I fall into a self-destructive cycle of depression. He wants the floor vacuumed, but I am overwhelmed at my failure to be pleasing to my husband, which turns me inward, and prevents me from having the successful outlook I need in order to conquer the living room floor and the sink full of dishes and the piles of dirty laundry.

Instead, I spend hour upon hour mentally escaping my duties by spending time posting in online forums. *::)
I can identify with this, only my response is to redirect that energy into something that I can do successfully. I'll cut the grass, or create a new MP3 playlist, or work on the car. If I didn't redirect that energy I might find myself plotting evil deeds upon humanity (at least the humanity that inhabits my home). *[smiley=knife.gif]

[The Rose]

...I can identify with this, only my response is to redirect that energy into something that I can do successfully. I'll cut the grass, or create a new MP3 playlist, or work on the car. If I didn't redirect that energy I might find myself plotting evil deeds upon humanity (at least the humanity that inhabits my home). [smiley=knife.gif]THAT'S what I'm doing!!!
Thanks for putting words to it for me!
That's exactly what I'm doing in front of my computer.
I'm doing something I feel successful at.

[Vayate]

I don't need validation from others, though I find a "thank you" when I help someone is always appreciated. Validation does, however, serve a practical purpose whenever I'm doing something outside of my field of expertise since I can use it to confirm that I'm doing whatever it correctly; thus in that context it is appreciated. Constructive criticism is appreciated from people whom I respect, have the authority to give it, or are better or more experienced than I am.

Oddly enough, compliments from people who I don't respect seem to cheapen whatever is being complimented. That tends to be a problem when less intelligent people always tell me I'm "smart." The same is true of arbitrary validation, which also causes me to lose some respect for whoever gives it to me,

[dayguard]

As a kid, I was yearning for it from my parents and brother but didnt feel i quite got it. Didnt help that I couldnt express what I felt to them. A simple acknowledgment that I did great for me exams would have been great.

That screwed my confidence for a very long time.

Nowadays, saying out my opinion is validation enough for me. My individuality gets expressed. It's liberating and almost always hard to do so. Thank yous are always nice though.

[HarleyQuinn]

I rarely seek or ask for validation although the few times someone I respect makes a comment about "great observation" or otherwise, I do feel that 'high' for the day. The annoying thing is when people (peers usually) go, "Wow! You're sooo smart! I wish I was as smart as you" which bugs me because while I'm sure they're sincere, they could be as smart as me and I know I'm smart so I don't need to be informed of it.

As for giving validation, very very rarely. If I'm legit impressed or awed, I'll say something to the effect of, "That was awesome!" and the way I'll say it will be that 'gushing' kind of way so the recipient knows that I truly found that interesting.

[cielo market]

Receiving: I generally don't take general validation to heart. Especially if they include a self- put down in something originally meant to be a compliment for me.

"ZOMG liek ur so smart"
"Um. Thanks."
"I wish I was smart liek j00. I'm dum LOL"
"So go do something about it." >_>

I feel more validated when it's a specific reason. I rarely need validation from others in the first place, though. I think validation from myself can be most important. And constructive crit. from the experienced and knowledgeable is always welcome. If it's validation from someone I really respect, it'll make my day. But I won't exactly tell the whole world about it.

Giving it? If I'm truly impressed by someone, I'll say it.

[xtremegeek]

Receiving: I generally don't take general validation to heart. Especially if they include a self- put down in something originally meant to be a compliment for me.

"ZOMG liek ur so smart"
"Um. Thanks."
"I wish I was smart liek j00. I'm dum LOL"
"So go do something about it." >_>

I feel more validated when it's a specific reason. I rarely need validation from others in the first place, though. I think validation from myself can be most important. And constructive crit. from the experienced and knowledgeable is always welcome. If it's validation from someone I really respect, it'll make my day. But I won't exactly tell the whole world about it.

Giving it? If I'm truly impressed by someone, I'll say it.

I've been criticized (repeatedly) by one of my aunts for "not knowing how to accept a compliment." Do you ever get this kind of criticism?

[Rohsiph]

Fundamentally, I need none. I've considered my impressions of validation recently, having found myself surprised with how the majority of my peers appear to require a substantial amount of unjustified validation in order to function. Especially regarding depthless validations, I really can't see the point--beyond, perhaps, a smug, illusory self-satisfaction--but then, this doesn't effect any immediate progress.

[toonia]

It is fundamentally important to me to have an accurate evaluation of myself. For this reason, outside impressions from those who have more experience than I do in evaluating means a great deal to me. Validation from whomever is most expert, most able to judge, means a great deal to me. I have functioned in the face of a tremendous amount of invalidation and insult from competitive people in small environments (big fish, little pond folks). I wish it didn't impact me, but after a while it does, however I like to think I am more resistant than average. One validation from someone I respect trumps several insults from those I don't.

[cielo market]

Receiving: I generally don't take general validation to heart. Especially if they include a self- put down in something originally meant to be a compliment for me.

"ZOMG liek ur so smart"
"Um. Thanks."
"I wish I was smart liek j00. I'm dum LOL"
"So go do something about it." >_>

I feel more validated when it's a specific reason. I rarely need validation from others in the first place, though. I think validation from myself can be most important. And constructive crit. from the experienced and knowledgeable is always welcome. If it's validation from someone I really respect, it'll make my day. But I won't exactly tell the whole world about it.

Giving it? If I'm truly impressed by someone, I'll say it.

I've been criticized (repeatedly) by one of my aunts for "not knowing how to accept a compliment." *Do you ever get this kind of criticism? *

Yeah [smiley=undecided.gif] I apply "does this help me" to a lot of things... even compliments, apparently.

[LadyHuna]

As many have already described, I am also someone who only needs validation from a higher-up/position of authority. Receiving compliments and affirmation from a peer does mostly nothing for me.
Unfortunately, my projected confidence in my skills does not invite validation from authorities, only "constructive criticism". Criticism heaped ontop of itself makes one desperate for validation. But as I am incapable of "asking" for it from those people who truely count, my only resource is the peer, with their empty compliments, and I always feel a twinge from exposing this weakness.