Expressing FEELINGS (!)

[r21left]

How do you do it?

[deicruxified]

it depends... kinda constipated on that side... but most of the time through writing

[qwerty]

I guess this is where I shine :).

I love expressive body language and it seems to make people at ease. So I express how I feel directly. When I have a great idea I'm bursting with energy hands drawing pictures in the air, eccentrically walking and moving around the room, I apparently have expressive eye brows so they are constantly flashing and I bring out the happy eccentric voice.

When I am done I close right down or I use body language to close myself off from a person (I think it is a defensive thing too because by emphasizing it I am able to be angry and not use my common body language and throw them off guard).

But yeah I'll show people how I'm feeling by directing my body language.

[rwyatt365]

I express myself through my writing. In person I am about as exciting as a brick. Even when I try to speak catch-phrases, and slang it comes off as dry and wooden. I've been told by numerous people throughout the years that very thing. But my writing is another thing entirely. Somehow I transform into "someone else". Especially when it comes to emotions. I can't say what I mean but I can write it.

Somehow I think that speaking is too spontaneous. I don’t have time to ponder, to examine the nuances of the words being used when speaking. People are too impatient to wait for the "right" words to come to me while speaking. When I write I can stop mid-sentence and consider what I wrote, what I'm trying to say, and where I'm going to go from here.

[orange]

Somehow I think that speaking is too spontaneous. I don’t have time to ponder, to examine the nuances of the words being used when speaking. People are too impatient to wait for the "right" words to come to me while speaking. When I write I can stop mid-sentence and consider what I wrote, what I'm trying to say, and where I'm going to go from here.


I couldn't agree more! the few times that I do express myself it's in writing. It just dont work in person. I freeze up trying to rework and reword what I want to say to make it perfect and in doing so I totally fail.

[Firelie]

I don't really express feelings all that much. *I usually analyze away my emotions. *Say I'm feeling sad. *Well I ask myself, why am I sad? *What is sadness doing for me? *Is life really all that bad? *Usually by the end of that I realize I don't have a really good reason to be sad, so I go back to my usual state of mind.

If there is a good reason, though, I usually babble about it in my LJ until I have nothing else to say on the subject.

:thumbsup:

On a sidenote, I've tried to express myself through art before and...that flopped so hard that I had to laugh at myself.

[blueback]

I'm not convinced that one should be restricted to expressing only the emotions they feel. If a situation calls for a certain emotion, like happiness, that I don't feel. . .well I just fake it. It's hard because I'm not a very good actor. On the other hand, if I feel angry and expressing it won't help the situation, I hide it. I try to keep the emotions everyone thinks I feel and the emotions I really feel seperate.

[INTJohn]

Practice makes perfect.........

..........'till then, fake it 'till you make it.

(if you really think they are necessary)

INTJohn

[blueback]

It's not that I think emotions are necessary in and of themselves. It's that most of the people in the world think so. And, as the saying goes. . When in Rome. . .

[wise]

Somehow I think that speaking is too spontaneous. I don’t have time to ponder, to examine the nuances of the words being used when speaking. People are too impatient to wait for the "right" words to come to me while speaking. When I write I can stop mid-sentence and consider what I wrote, what I'm trying to say, and where I'm going to go from here.


I couldn't agree more! the few times that I do express myself it's in writing. It just dont work in person. I freeze up trying to rework and reword what I want to say to make it perfect and in doing so I totally fail.

I don't think I've seen in writing anything closer to what I would say about myself than this. I always get "lost" in the effort of face to face communication about what I "feel"; I rarely think that anyone is on the same wave length as me, so I've always assumed I was the odd man out....maybe so.

[Evalis]

Rationalizing away negative (see 'unproductive') emotions is certainly a good way to deal with them.. but 'expressing' those emotions is an entirely different matter. Rarely if ever do I have difficulty with expressing what I feel.. though it takes some time to formulate an adequate description. Preferably in such a way that is detached of myself, since the only reason I would inform someone else is to assist me in coming to a resolution.

However, I have an extreme dislike of informing others of how something makes me feel only to have them respond with 'comforting' commentary, as apposed to a solution, so I often restrict who I will inform my feelings to based on their personality.

[Jbmontag]

Face to face it's horrible. My voice cracks, I'm shaky and I always feel as if I'll throw up. When I write a poem though, or a letter, it just seems easy, I think it's the removal. I can think about and work it, till it is exactly what I wanted to say.

On the flip-side. When it comes to people expressing emotions to I blow it also. I either leave or tell a joke, use a sarcastic comment. My favorite is when I stand there, and just kind of say "oh" and nod. They might as well just told me they like sports, or movies, same reaction.

[biased]

I've just begun to enjoy writing and find it helps organize my thoughts a lot better than attempting to sort them out within my head. I am able to express what I am trying to express via word choice/tone but I don't really express feeling well unless we are a.) outside a classroom environment and b.) i'm comfortable with you.

[Jezebel]

That's a very broad question. It depends on the type of emotion, the intensity, who else is around and the situation.

When I'm feeling intense emotions, it clouds my thinking so I tend to withdraw from the situation and let the emotions subside a bit before I express anything. If I can't get away from the situation/people, I detach from my feelings and save them to deal with later. This goes for both positive and negative emotions. Even openly expressing extreme happiness and excitement tends to embarrass me.

If it's a situation where I think I need to express emotion, it depends a lot on why and who I need to express it to. I have a lot of trouble verbally expressing how I feel. I either undersell how strongly I feel, or go overboard. I can't seem to find the proper balance that people expect.

If I don't actually feel anything (which is most of the time), I don't bother faking it. Yes, I've been called cold a lot.

[wise]

If it's a situation where I think I need to express emotion, it depends a lot on why and who I need to express it to. I have a lot of trouble verbally expressing how I feel. I either undersell how strongly I feel, or go overboard. I can't seem to find the proper balance that people expect

I identify with this too much.

[r21left]

If it's a situation where I think I need to express emotion, it depends a lot on why and who I need to express it to. I have a lot of trouble verbally expressing how I feel. I either undersell how strongly I feel, or go overboard. I can't seem to find the proper balance that people expect.

Sounds like the old INTJ ON/OFF switch. Unfortunately, there's no middle setting.

[anul]

The only way I can express feelings is by logically thinking about the situation at hand and come to a rational decision. Then once I come to my conclusion I express it by talking about it. I can only talk about this things with certain people. I think emotions are personal and shouldn't be shared with casual acquaintances or strangers.

[chocky]

That does it. What the hell am I doing trundling round *********** feeling like a square wheel?!

I feel like I could have written nearly every one of these responses myself.

How to I express feelings? I write! And only in writing am I free.

[OneBadMother]

Same here, chocky. Otherwise I think too much and never act. Rationalization of feelings for the win.

When I was younger I used to get very frustrated when no one would listen to my ideas or what I was going to say. I've gotten a bit more laid-back since then. Most of the time I feel sort of neutral, but I feel obligated to pantomime appropriate responses when someone else is feeling down and out. It's generally hit-or-miss, but with some people it is impossible not to, lest they think you're some kind of monster of a human being.

[thegnat]

I don't express them a lot - it's hard for me to express them - I'm also very reserved. So I won't open up with you unless I know you very very well. Even then it's hard for me to express feelings.

I also just don't get that emotional. I'll fake it sometimes. Sometimes I do truly get emotional but that's rare. I'll do whatever spontaneously. Then probably think about it - and go back to normal self.

I over-analyze what I write. So I can screw myself up there.

Perhaps by speaking and tone of voice is the real key to my mood. Hm, haven't really thought of this before. Interesting thing to introspect...

[bikerscars]

you are supposed to EXPRESS feelings... :scared:

if they occur i just bottle 'em up :suspicious:

[thegnat]

you are supposed to EXPRESS feelings... :scared:

if they occur i just bottle 'em up :suspicious:

Bottling 'em up isn't all that great. But I do that too! I don't ever explode though really. My rationality keeps me from doing that I think.

I kind of think, "Oh my god! I'm expressing emotions! I better try and go back to my normal self! (unless they're happy emotions then I'll express them)"

So I kind of appear either cheery or not emotional haha.

I'll express sad emotions for a certain amount of time I allow myself as long as I'm by myself and not around people. Unless I'm at a funeral. Then I'll let my feelings show a bit, yet be able to be calm and rational enough to talk with others.

[bikerscars]

Bottling 'em up isn't all that great. But I do that too! I don't ever explode though really. My rationality keeps me from doing that I think.

I kind of think, "Oh my god! I'm expressing emotions! I better try and go back to my normal self! (unless they're happy emotions then I'll express them)"

So I kind of appear either cheery or not emotional haha.




I'll express sad emotions for a certain amount of time I allow myself as long as I'm by myself and not around people. Unless I'm at a funeral. Then I'll let my feelings show a bit, yet be able to be calm and rational enough to talk with others.



wow...

that's it for me exactly

[On Second Thought]

I have a lot of trouble verbally expressing how I feel. I either undersell how strongly I feel, or go overboard. I can't seem to find the proper balance that people expect.

This is what I observe in my INTJ e-boyfriend (whom I never personally met). *

When he is in Stoic Mode, he'll say something like, "I don't deny that I find you attractive." *

When he's in Sentimental Mode, he'll send me a most moving love song. *(Though he'll not say that it is directed toward me. *I believe he hopes I will understand, thereby averting an uncomfortable confession of deep feeling.)

I think he fears my reaction if he were to allow that sentimental streak to run wild. * :P

[rasoirviolon]

making a generalisation... it seems that INTJ express themselves through writing to resort to analysis to deal with their emotions. does this mean that these are two typical methods of an INTJ to deal with emotions?

i can identify with most of the responses here such as firelie's over-analysis. quite frankly, i do more holding back than expressing. is this weird? ... sometimes i write monologues to myself or my violin.

does anyone here prefer to forget/ignore their feelings rather than address them after they've exhausted themselves trying to analyse them? :-/

[dayguard]

I do it ONLINE through msn messenger ;D. Not the lovey dovey confessions though. I have yet to do that. But I mask my emotions through codes. I'll let people try to read in between the lines. It's like I am selective to who is worthy to know my real feelings. If you can read in between the lines, then you are worthy to know how I feel.

I know this is stupid. And I will have to learn to express myself more as it will definitely help me achieve the Big Picture in my life.

[Henry]

Not being able to talk about feelings is probably a sign that one should consider therapy, not that one should plead "but I'm an INTJ and allowed to be an aloof, unbalanced (person)".

Talking about feelings is normal and healthy, and if you are upset about something and don't talk about it with that person you will a.) hold a grudge against that person or b.) take the negativity and blow up at someone undeserving over some trifle or c.) turn the anger towards yourself and go into a depression. *None are good outcomes.

Moderating your I v E, S v N, T v F, and P v J is healthy and leads you to become a more full human being. If you are not using all your faculties - most notably the feeling faculty - you should really seek to develop it because there is a very rich world out there just waiting for you.

[mind_wander]

Not being able to talk about feelings is probably a sign that one should consider therapy, not that one should plead "but I'm an INTJ and allowed to be an aloof, unbalanced (person)".

Talking about feelings is normal and healthy, and if you are upset about something and don't talk about it with that person you will a.) hold a grudge against that person or b.) take the negativity and blow up at someone undeserving over some trifle or c.) turn the anger towards yourself and go into a depression. *None are good outcomes.

Moderating your I v E, S v N, T v F, and P v J is healthy and leads you to become a more full human being. *If you are not using all your faculties - most notably the feeling faculty - you should really seek to develop it because there is a very rich world out there just waiting for you. *
I know what you mean, "If you bottle up the emotions too long." Well we got one pissed of INTJ and I rather not see it, can be really nasty.

[cielo market]

Feelings? What are feelings? *:-?

Are we talking the usual sad, happy, grumpy, dopey, doc? Yeah I'm like Firelie, too. If I do feel an emotion, I tend to become aware of it and attempt to analyze why even though that feels (LOL "feels") like I'm ruining the purity of my reactions. Then again, I wouldn't like to over-react to things.

Extremeties of negative feelings are kept inside for further analysis ("get these emotions to the lab! stat!"). So on the exterior, I'm pretty stoic... unless I'm being witty *[smiley=wiseguy.gif]

edit: typo

[thegnat]

Feelings? What are feelings? :-?

Are we talking the usual sad, happy, grumpy, dopey, doc? Yeah I'm like Firelie, too. If I do feel an emotion, I tend to become aware of it and attempt to analyze why even though that feels (LOL "feels") like I'm ruining the purity of my reactions. Then again, I wouldn't like to over-react to things.

Extremeties of negative feelings are kept inside for further analysis ("get these emtions to the lab! stat!"). So on the exterior, I'm pretty stoic... unless I'm being witty [smiley=wiseguy.gif]

Hm I agree with you there.

normally if i'm emotional I'll start at first analyzing why I feel that way. Then I'll start to introspect and then go off on a tangent in my introspection and return to normal stoicism.

Sure, expressing feelings is good. But it's just not...comfortable for me to do around others. It's not like I'm emotional by myself, but I sure let more emotions show alone because I don't have to worry about others seeing it. And half the time I'm lost in my own thoughts anyway. Every once in awhile, after long introspection and reflection, I might feel some emotion about something. Maybe something in my past, who knows what? But I generally get back to my stoicism. I'm very reflective and introspective.

[Solaris]

As an ENTJ, I would like to add that I think expressing emotion through writing and otherwise analyzing the emotions away is either an NT thing, or an NTJ thing. I do the exact same thing. I can evoke both my own, and other people's emotions via writing in a way that I can't do face to face. However, since I am more extroverted, I imagine I am a little more comfortable face to face than you I's are, but I still dislike emotional scenes and prefer to be honest and direct.

Edit: As I kept reading, I would like to say that I also keep emotions inside before letting others see. There are very few people I will allow to see me emotional. The people who I allow to occupy my emotional space like this, often do not occupy my personal touching space -- I'm weird like that. However, granting emotional space is a greater "gift" if you want to call it that. Big emotions I especially keep inside. The problem is that I tend not to really notice most emotions until they are huge...or I just try to ignore them, you guess.

Anyway, I still think this is more of an NT thing, than a uniquely INTJ thing. Again, I still imagine, as introverts, the few people who you allow to see your emotions are even fewer than I allow.

[balance1461]

A lot of what everyone is saying in this thread mirrors what I have, in the past, thought about my emotions.

Wait.. I just called them emotions. Are feelings and emotions the same thing for you guys? I use the word interchangeably for what my mind thinks my heart is experiencing. (Having once studied chemistry, I sometimes refute feelings as nothing more than chemical reactions!)

Onwards, has anyone ever wanted to be without feelings (considering for a moment that life would be so much easier without them)? I have, many times. Usually, it coincided with me starting to write a blog and spiraling downwards for a few weeks before realising that I was wasting my time being angry at something from the past. Plenty of blogs did I create and delete in my teens.

I think I'm off topic.. When I try to express my feelings in words, I usually end up in a situation similar to defining a word with the word inside in the definition. In writing, it is easy for me to express negative feelings.. but positive feelings, well.. I just can't remember the last time I explicitly wrote about them.

[Raven Queen]

I don't express them, especially if I'm feeling anything really intensely. I'll end up withdrawing from everyone...

I'm simply not able to expose that much of myself to anyone. :-/

[logan235711]

actually I have a hard time telling people how I feel because right when I think about why I feel that I way I immediately feel like I'm not really justified in acting off of that reason so I feel afraid to commit to that. for example, suppose I am tired and feeling a bit cranky, if someone asks me why I am feeling that way, usually I just try to stop being that way while telling them I am tired. because I feel like since I could have most likely helped myself to get more sleep one way or another then I shouldn't let my decision effect others in bad ways. so it's not that I am afraid to express myself, but when I do I don't feel like I can justify my feelings to others or myself. does that make sense?

to clear up other things, some people mentioned when they find themselves expressing alot it sets off some bells in their head to calm down, I don't mind, I enjoy going with it and exploring where it takes me, emotions can be fun and interesting to cultivate. i try not to act as varied around strangers cause it can make them feel uncomfortable, but i try to adapt a bit to them while enjoying my own exploration--with people i am closer to I am more varied and might make the opportunity to try more things out, but i don't know anyone at the moment who i can try everything on, maybe someday? : )

were there any other questions?

[HarleyQuinn]

I guess this is where I shine :).

I love expressive body language and it seems to make people at ease. So I express how I feel directly. When I have a great idea I'm bursting with energy hands drawing pictures in the air, eccentrically walking and moving around the room, I apparently have expressive eye brows so they are constantly flashing and I bring out the happy eccentric voice.

When I am done I close right down or I use body language to close myself off from a person (I think it is a defensive thing too because by emphasizing it I am able to be angry and not use my common body language and throw them off guard).

But yeah I'll show people how I'm feeling by directing my body language.

If I'm talking about a subject I greatly enjoy (and others show interest) I literally transform. Constant gesturing with hands, speaking excitedly, and I've been told that my eyes flash when I'm in that frame of mind as well.

In terms of feelings though, I'm completely guarded and will write it down over talking about it. I want to get laryngitis again so I can write during class and use that as my conversational method.

I actually went red (blushing) in a class b/c I thought my teacher was looking at me when talking about male hierarchy and I called her on it but she was looking at her notes. I kinda laughed at myself but she proclaimed in astonishment, "That's the first time I've ever seen him get red" and even went so far as to wave a piece of paper so I wouldn't 'faint' :-/

[sundance]

i still struggling to show more of my emotion to other people. I can start to open up easily to people that are deeply attached to me. but for others, I'm working on it. ..

i found showing your feeling is crucial in developing more bonds to them. and I definitely need it more in my future.

[Sean O]

Perhaps it's because I grew up in a family of feelers, but I seem to have an awareness and level of comfort with both my own feelings and the feelings of others that is above average for an INTJ. Granted, I'm not as expressive as an actual feeler due to my rationality and my calm, aloof demeanor, but I'm still very comfortable expressing my feelings via speech and body language if I believe it's appropriate to do so. You might even mistaken me for an ENTP (who has a tertiary Fe instead of Fi) if you met me in person.

I think it's a mistake to not acknowledge and embrace your feelings. It seems to me that many INTJs are averse to feelings because they aren't too impressed with overly emotional people who are basically ruled by their feelings (it doesn't impress me, either), but there's a difference between being a slave to your emotions and simply giving them a place in your life. Rationality + comfort with feelings = a life that's much easier to deal with in all aspects.

[Autoptic]

However, I have an extreme dislike of informing others of how something makes me feel only to have them respond with 'comforting' commentary, as apposed to a solution, so I often restrict who I will inform my feelings to based on their personality.

Yes, "comforting" is usually bad and not playing along with it sets people off.

I either undersell how strongly I feel, or go overboard. I can't seem to find the proper balance that people expect.

Ditto, people give me looks and react unexpectedly to almost anything visible. Telling people how I feel, not that I do it often, is often not convincing. "Who are you going to believe, me or your eyes?"

Talking about feelings is normal and healthy, and if you are upset about something and don't talk about it with that person you will a.) hold a grudge against that person or b.) take the negativity and blow up at someone undeserving over some trifle or c.) turn the anger towards yourself and go into a depression. *None are good outcomes.

Talking to the person has almost always proven worthless or counterproductive. Knowing that they know does nothing for me. If they pissed me off, I'm just going back into the fire.

If I'm talking about a subject I greatly enjoy (and others show interest) I literally transform. Constant gesturing with hands, speaking excitedly, and I've been told that my eyes flash when I'm in that frame of mind as well.

It usually surprises or scares people when I do this. Ever read Girl Genius? It's a sign of being in "the madness place."

[enWTFp]

The strongest feelings do not fit into any expression. They are best deduced indirectly.

[energy]

does anyone here prefer to forget/ignore their feelings rather than address them after they've exhausted themselves trying to analyse them? :-/


You feel what you feel for a reason. Don't ignore them - acknowledging that you have feelings is the first step! Learning how to decipher the information and process said feelings can be quite a challenge and there are many paths one can choose to explore.

[sundance]

I think it's a mistake to not acknowledge and embrace your feelings. It seems to me that many INTJs are averse to feelings because they aren't too impressed with overly emotional people who are basically ruled by their feelings (it doesn't impress me, either), but there's a difference between being a slave to your emotions and simply giving them a place in your life. Rationality + comfort with feelings = a life that's much easier to deal with in all aspects.

yea.. definitely agree with that..
thanks for sharing