Am I using men for sex?

[castalia]

I must say that up until this point in my life, unlike the vast majority of people, I never really needed to be in a relationship in order to be fulfilled. I've been in a few short term relationships with good men but I found them to be a burder after a short period of time and just ended it. Interestingly, I am still friends with all four of the men.

As I have a high sex drive, I think nothing of being in a short term relationship with someone while having lots of sex with him. I was actually up front about the fact that I don't want a long term relationship at this point, and the guys were OK with it. We would have sex for a few months and then I would use the excuse of moving away (I conduct research in four different parts of the world) so that I would nicely end the relationship with them. I think most if not all of them felt crushed or used at some point, even though they will not admit it. However, I also have to say that I think nothing of reinitiating the sexual relationship with these guys if I or them happen to be in the same place at the same time and if both of us are single.

Am I mean? Am I screwed up? Is this polyamory? I have never actually held parallel relationships; it's just that I have sex with one guy at a time for a short period.

You can be honest with me....I won't take it personally. After all, I am an INTJ.

[Causa Mortis]

Why the dishonesty? Plenty of guys will love a short, low/no commitment thing. Find a dude at a bar, jump his bones, get his number, call him when you want to have sex...no one is going to complain.

[castalia]

Why the dishonesty? Plenty of guys will love a short, low/no commitment thing. Find a dude at a bar, jump his bones, get his number, call him when you want to have sex...no one is going to complain.

Yes, but you see I do not like those types of guys. I like shy guys and intellectuals, so they are more likely to be INT or at least NT in some way. I don't go to bars and clubs myself as neither the atmosphere nor the people there attract me.

[Causa Mortis]

Yes, but you see I do not like those types of guys. I like shy guys and intellectuals, so they are more likely to be INT or at least NT in some way. I don't go to bars and clubs myself as neither the atmosphere nor the people there attract me.

So change "bar" to "bookstore" and do the same. You're offering a scarce commodity at a very low price, and you should not need to deceive in order to sell it. My guess is its just a marketing problem, eg you're not talking to guys.

[True Rune]

What does it matter if they are intellectual if the point is to get boned? Just watch out for creeps. Uh, I don't understand this at all, really... but it's not a trait I respect.

[kwago]

I have to agree with Causia Mortis. If you know how you are and are getting men involved in a relationship you know you will get bored of, you should stop being so dishonest and be more upfront from the start. How hard is it to tell a guy you like "here's the deal, I like you and I'd like to get to know you better. Having said that, I am not interested in anything long term. Are you okay with that?"

[Kisai]

Why did you post this thread?

Do you want to justify just having short term relationships with guys who are good in bed but not up to your standards? Its okay to do so. Everyone's an adult. Boo-friggity-hoo if a few hearts are broken.

Are you looking at that INTJ you like and going "Well, I like him...but I don't think he has any sort of sex drive?" and you wish to have a relationship with him but keep your guys on the side? Are you wondering how to tell him this?

You're not screwed up. You're just picky. Nothing wrong with being picky as long as you're okay with it. And you are not engaging in polyamory. Polyamory is for people more at ease with sharing love with different people at the same time.

[Calica]

To each his/her own, but if you are upfront about what you want from the start (=sex), then there is no reason for feelings of guilt.
What about friends with benefits type of relationships?

[castalia]

Why did you post this thread?

Why shouldn't I?


Do you want to justify just having short term relationships with guys who are good in bed but not up to your standards?

Quite frankly, out of the four, only one was good in bed....the other three were not good at all!


Are you looking at that INTJ you like and going "Well, I like him...but I don't think he has any sort of sex drive?" and you wish to have a relationship with him but keep your guys on the side? Are you wondering how to tell him this?

Well, I think the deal with the INTJ I like is this: I am highly attracted to him in an intellectual sense because he is much more intellectual than me, something which I rarely find in men. The problem is that I freeze when it comes to making a sexual move on him, even though he has kissed me (on the shoulders!) in the past. I just freeze and don't know where to take it. I do find him very sexy though.


And you are not engaging in polyamory. Polyamory is for people more at ease with sharing love with different people at the same time.

Ah, yes, thanks for clarifying.

[cannotseethe]

Yes. What's the problem?

[TigerL]

I have to agree with the other posters here.

If you're upfront and honest with the men about what you want, this should not be an issue. If their hearts were broken, yes, you might feeel bad about it but really, they're grown-ups and they chose to be in the relationship.

I can understand that taking this stance might not attract the types of men you are interested in otherwise but it's hard to have everything.

You might already be aware of this, but the usual romantic profile for NTs is that they tend to have a few deep relationships in their lives and they tend to find those who are their "mind mates". Not saying you or anyone has to fit the exact profile but that might be why you are encountering men who fit your intellectual/ personality needs but whose sexual/ romantic mores are different from yours.

[Deliberator]

Well yeah, you do use men for sex. That's not all bad though, I mean I use my husband for sex.

I think the whole concept of "using someone for sex" is a little odd. Makes it seem as though the other person isn't getting just as much pleasure out of it. It's really not the sex issue I think, it's more about the part wherein, after having been friends, you leave and he doesn't want you to.

It's simply one of those annoying Facts of Life. It's hard to do something so intimate with someone (sex + friendship) without at least one person developing emotional attachment. I mean the only other thing missing from the picture is the living together part and then you may as well be married.

Are you mean? Nah. I probably wouldn't want to do that kind of thing though. If I just wanted sex I wouldn't do so with someone I also want to be friends with.

[Blse]

Yes, but you see I do not like those types of guys. I like shy guys and intellectuals, so they are more likely to be INT or at least NT in some way. I don't go to bars and clubs myself as neither the atmosphere nor the people there attract me.

NT men, and NTJs in particular, are more focused on LTRs than other types (see Keirsey's Please Understand Me II which gives an excellent description of the monogamous and LTR-oriented inclination many, though definitely not all, NTJ men have). If they're shy and intellectual the risk of causing them pain increases even more. So, yes, you need to be careful. The best way to avoid using these men is to be completely honest and verbalize your intentions as soon as you can.

[plotthickens]

This is called "serial monogamy". So long as nobody is harmed (and it sounds like everyone is happy!), you go with your bad self!

[larkin]

I did the same for a while, the problem is the separation of emotional intimacy from physical intimacy...it gets hard to put those two things together into one person, you know? And even when you do find the one person where that happens, it's, well, hard to accept, it feels dangerous, difficult to navigate.

But whatever, everything is hard, those are longer term concerns, feel free to do it as long as you're honest (should be up front about this from the beginning) and it works for you.

[AcuMan]

Yes, but you see I do not like those types of guys. I like shy guys and intellectuals, so they are more likely to be INT or at least NT in some way.

I am a shy, intellectualy guy and I have no problem with such an arrangement. I think most men - intellectual or otherwise - would be delighted with the proposition, if you broach the subject with them. You won't have a problem finding an intellectual type guy who will agree to be your fuck buddy.

[Explo]

I think most if not all of them felt crushed or used at some point, even though they will not admit it.

Why do you think this?

Also, so I understand correctly, have you been in four sexual relationships total, or have you been in four relationships that you deemed "just for sex?"

Either way, it doesn't sound like you're doing much damage.

[Dasein]

I am a shy, intellectualy guy and I have no problem with such an arrangement. I think most men - intellectual or otherwise - would be delighted with the proposition, if you broach the subject with them. You won't have a problem finding an intellectual type guy who will agree to be your fuck buddy.

Wrong..

[Causa Mortis]

For the record, there is at least one somewhat shy, very intellectual, very cute guy in the Bay Area that would be fine with FWB. He's very good natured but not clingy. Just saying.


That said, I think you could just walk into a bookstore and approach a few guys at random. "I just want to fuck for a few months without any strings, are you cool with that". You might get 2-3 "no"s before a "yes" but I guarantee you there is at least one guy in every book store at any given time who would agree to (be thrilled with) such an arrangement. There is no need for dishonesty.

[Nelson]

I see a problem with it. You are using men for sex. I guess I'm biased in that I would only engage in sex if I thought the relationship was meaningful in any way (in a futuristic sense)... And I'm not selfish like that...

[sms444]

I am a shy, intellectualy guy and I have no problem with such an arrangement. I think most men - intellectual or otherwise - would be delighted with the proposition, if you broach the subject with them. You won't have a problem finding an intellectual type guy who will agree to be your fuck buddy.

This times 100! Even if they get hurt when it ends, or get a little too attached, I know many introverted intellectuals who do not regret having a FWB or primarily non-romantic relationship.

Though to be fair to your person of sexual interest, I must echo other posters who say to be honest about your intentions from the start!

[Marcus Septim]

Yes, but you see I do not like those types of guys. I like shy guys and intellectuals, so they are more likely to be INT or at least NT in some way. I don't go to bars and clubs myself as neither the atmosphere nor the people there attract me.

Shy intellectuals usually want steady relationships and even in your case,even if you do meet someone like you he is gonna abandon you,like you did with the other fellas,are you ok with that?
Cause up,until now you are the one whos being doing the dumbing

So,if you do like those guys,you'll have to accept that you are gonna hurt somebody to have it your way,you cant make an omelete without breaking some eggs

Or change target group

[Autoptic]

How are the relationships being pursued? There's no conversation about the nature of the relationship?

[pip]

Am I using men for sex?

Yes.
How would one go about applying to become a use-ee? :3

[thod]

My first thought was "What else would you use for sex?". Lesbian probably counts but vibrators are masturbation so you are pretty much obliged to use men for sex or refrain entirely.

I suspect you want to say that having sex with men is somehow deceitful, as if by having sex with them you are promising something else which you have no intent to deliver. Yet you do not ask a tennis partner if you are only using them for tennis. Of course you are, that is the whole point of getting together, to play tennis. You do not promise your tennis partner anything else beyond the sport.

Just be clear with the men up front what you offering. There is no shortage of men who would consider this an ideal arrangement.

[themuzicman]

I think the OP is really concerned about the morality of "serial monogamy" in that our culture has a higher view of sex than she does. We view men who "use women for sex" negatively, why wouldn't the opposite be true.

And it is, to an extent, although you are at least up front about what you want.

I guess the real question is whether you are concerned about the impact you're having on the culture around you or not, whether you are concerned that you are "lowering the bar" for other women who want a long term commitment before having sex.

[plotthickens]

...
our culture has a higher view of sex than she does
...
the impact you're having on the culture
...
you are "lowering the bar" for other women

Goodness. The OP never asked what affect she was having on culture or other women.
Phrasing these off-topic moral finger-shakings as questions to the OP doesn't make them less of an attack. What she actually asked was:

Am I mean? Am I screwed up? Is this polyamory?

[Kisai]

Not mean. Not screwed up. Not polyamory.

[Zsych]

@castalia: I don't have any objection to what you're doing. You're being honest with the guys about the nature of the relationship. I can't really fault your kindness on breaking the relationship either.

If they are developing feelings for you, you might want to address that when you realize its happening, after you decide how you want the relationship to go - and keep the relationship honest.

--

If you would like to know however, I know a girl who seems to casually sleep with a lot of guys. I don't so much disapprove of what she does, as I think that she herself might be happier if she were to allow herself to have deeper relationships. She's very emotionally guarded.
(alright its not quite true that I don't disapprove - something about a 19 year old girl not even trying for relationships and just having random meaningless sex with a whole bunch of guys seems upsetting to me. Her age strikes me as more an age where she should still be somewhat idealistic. That may be less of an issue when you've lived more of your life)

I added that viewpoint just so you would have an additional perspective to work with, since you yourself seem to not be completely sure you're doing the right thing.

[Autoptic]

@castalia: I don't have any objection to what you're doing. You're being honest with the guys about the nature of the relationship. I can't really fault your kindness on breaking the relationship either.

Actually she's not apparently being honest, or she wouldn't be faking her escape. I asked if she's discussing the nature of the relationships with the guys, but she's not responded to that.

[Zsych]

She's being honest in the beginning, but she's also trying to not hurt their feelings just in case they develop feelings - which she suspects they have, despite the original basis of the relationship, since they seem crushed by her eventual rejection.

[castalia]

Actually she's not apparently being honest, or she wouldn't be faking her escape.

I'm not faking my escape since I have to conduct research in four different parts of the world.....I also have wanderlust and this has always been part of my personality.


I asked if she's discussing the nature of the relationships with the guys, but she's not responded to that.

Only with one out of the four. And he being an ENTJ put it immediately on the table, "don't you think it's weird that we live on different countries? I mean, what kind of a relationship will we have?" I told him I did not mind seeing him once in a while and that I was not looking for anything long term, to which he got upset and refused to have sex with me for days. He said, "let's try this again in a few months". I told him, "don't bother. We're clearly not compatible".
I would not bring up the topic on my own so the reason nothing was discussed with the other three dudes was because they did not broach the subject either. They thought it was more serious than it was.

[thod]

I mean, what kind of a relationship will we have?

Hickory dickory dock, Some chick was sucking my cock. The the clock struck two, I dropped my goo and dumped the bitch on the next block!

[Vai]

As long as the guys don't get their feelings hurt, do whatever suits you.

Maybe it would help if you state that you don't want a long term relationship at the beginning so the guy knows what to expect from you.