friendship/hanging out

[undeniablyINTJ]

I have a hard time making close friends and hanging out in a group. How do INTJs make other people feel comfortable and have a long conversation, when you are introverted, judging, using logic, and have no idea how to discuss topics without hurting other people's feelings?

[Chainsaw Dundee]

Study some NLP and related materials to get an idea on how to effectively communicate and build rapport. The other part just comes after getting socially calibrated by being around people a lot.

[mind_wander]

I have a hard time making close friends and hanging out in a group. *How do INTJs make other people feel comfortable and have a long conversation, when you are introverted, judging, using logic, and have no idea how to discuss topics without hurting other people's feelings?
What I do is find a simple topic, like movies, tv shows, whats up and how your doing? Then, find similarities, is kinda natural now for me. So not afraid on a 1on1, but a group of 8 people, still needs work.

[qwerty]

A long time ago I read 'how to make friends and influence people' - it was mainly a job hunting thing. And fortunately I walked away with some important pieces of knowledge.

Always remember names (it something I do naturally now).
Talk about the other person, find their interest and get them to explain something to you.
When a person looks excited then support them and be interested in them.

This basically means that people will like you if you take an interest in them.

I don't use sarcasm to people allot instead I'll use metaphors to reshape their beliefs - the point here is don't be negative all the time.

[rwyatt365]

A long time ago I read 'how to make friends and influence people' - it was mainly a job hunting thing. And fortunately I walked away with some important pieces of knowledge.

Always remember names (it something I do naturally now).
Talk about the other person, find their interest and get them to explain something to you.
When a person looks excited then support them and be interested in them.

This basically means that people will like you if you take an interest in them.

I don't use sarcasm to people allot instead I'll use metaphors to reshape their beliefs - the point here is don't be negative all the time.
…and that (the bolded line) is the crux of the matter. People are "me"-centric, in a conversation it's "all about me" as far as the other person is concerned. The more that you play up to that – and it's hard for me to do that – the better the other person likes it, and the friendlier they will be towards you.

[thegnat]

Find a topic you both like to talk about. That's difficult. For me usually. Or else do small talk (which annoys me especially if I don't know the person).

Let them talk about their interest and listen. I'm a great listener. just don't listen for such a long period of time they don't think you're paying attention anymore. Nod your head show some interest, ask some questions even if you already know the answer.

Hanging out in groups has never been my strong point. Anywho, hanging out? I have time for that? hehe.

The group I like to hang out best with is our chem majors group. I can contribute some to conversation, some will talk about sports and I like that.

I think it takes time to find the right group that you fit in. Especially when your passions are obscure to most people.

I hardly ever remember names the first time I'm around someone - it takes me awhile. So I warn them that I'll forget their name and that I don't mean to offend them that way. That usually works pretty well. And helps me remember the name. I'll also, if I don't do that or don't remember the name I'll go "Heeeey! How nice to seeee you!!! How are you doing??" Not mentioning their name once....But making a tone that shows I'm interested in them.

[PhoenixRising]

LOL Making Friends? Hanging out in groups? (Shudder). I can interact when it's required although I will never be a social butterfly, and I tend to inspire a polar responce in most people (as in I tend to generate either a strong affinity or major dislike responce). But in responce to the original post I have to say as an INTJ why would you worry about it? I know if I set my mind to it I could be much more socially accepted with many more friends / popularity etc. But the truth is I would much rather not be! Why would I want to kindle friendship etc with the masses whom most of I could not achieve the kind of intellectual interaction that I desire or find beneficial with, when by just being myself I can weed out most all but those few exceptional people where a meaningful relationship is likely to ensue? Perhaps this is a cold way of looking at it, but I have only so much time, energy and resources available, so I see no reason to expend the resources on the masses when natural selection will usually accomplish the same thing without effort ;)

[TruorTupnm]

Making close friends: Something that I would not normally force. If the person just seemed unbearably cool, I'd probably tell them so. Wouldn't that flatter them or make them say, "Ah. Truly? What's your problem, then?" which would most likely lead to more conversation, I would think.

Hanging out in a group: An uncomforable situation. All of those humans, congregating. Either they are a flock to be led, you are focusing on their leader and how to pull his strings, or you're stuck there due to ill fortune. Keep half an ear towards the group, direct the other inward and listening to happy thoughts?

How to deal with others while an I. N. T. J. type of person: Well, I do have an idea of how to discuss topics without hurting other people's feelings. Yeah, what these others are suggesting, except that I don't hold negativity back. I just pile a, "Ah, no offense intended, as a matter of course, yo." or a couple of, "Ah, ha, ha, heh! Silly myself! Spouting all kinds of things! Woo! Crazy guy!" with plenty of facial tics at the humans who might know how I feel about insincerity.

[Lumbering Jack]

Well, first off, I'd advise you to sneak away, find a bookshelf or an interesting documentary on TV and enjoy. If you can't do that ...
Latch on to someone who is actually DOING something ... playing a game, prepping dinner, pouring drinks. At least there you have something to clearly talk about. You don't have to force any conversation that way.
If it's a social only gathering, then I guess you could pretend to be interested in what people have to say, but that's just aggravating and mind-numbing. I'd suggest taking control and forcing the group to do something.
Ugh, rampant socializing? That just annoys the shit out of me.

[Fiordispina]

I learned to listen first. This helps me to identify people within a group that I find interesting. I then find an opportunity to speak to those I find interesting in a one-on-one situtation. Usually about topics like books, films, a topic unique to the group (such as the non-profit we all volunteer for). Over time I've made 8-10 very good friends this way; it does take time.

I'm horrible at small talk; find large social functions very painful and toxic to my psyche. :thinking:

[rubbercorks]

Making friends is a very hard thing for me to do. Usually someone will start talking to me and take an interest in me for some reason, usually because I am witty and I joke about a lot when my professor's start talking about something boring that I could just read in the text. Eventually the "friendship" moves from the classroom to a more socially setting away from that, now this is the tricky part and with the last one it took about 6months to get me to do this on a regular basis. On the first outing it is usually like ripping off a band-aid, you have to do it one motion and just grin and bare it and make it as painless as possible (but it is always painful). The thing that is very hard for me to do (I dont know about the others here) is to feign interest with the general crap people usually talk about, and also to try to reflect general interest in the topic with knowledge. Most guys (since I am male I will use this) in their 20's talk about in S.TX (where I am) talk about football, so I learned a bit about it so I can pretty much fake interest in it. I picked out a team to like (The Bangals) and I managed to memorize some of the players and what not. After that the awkward phase of 1st outings I generally begin to feel something for the person and hang out with them every so often as long as it doesnt affect my alone time, but I try to organize it so I can fit it into my schedule (wake-up, breakfast, shower, go to class, run an errand, meet for drinks, go home) , but I do not make a schedule or special event for socializing.

[Wolfie]

It is actually simple to make quick friends.
1. Burden yourself with their small talk for a minute or two. make sure you PAY ATTENTION and give a couple comments. If you dont' pay attention you will push them further away.5-4
2. Bring up something that doesn't require a lot of tact. Even if it means more small talk... p.e., "what was the homework in math class?" from there, you can go into what you learned that day. a bit less of a burden.
3. Slowly get to a higher level. Make them feel smart even if you think they are the stupidest people on earth.
4. Bring up one. 1. ONE. UNO, UN, 5-4, A SINGLE theory/concept/idea. one big enough to interest you but small enough for them to understand. that one theory/idea/concept will be the foundation of ur friendship. slowly you can learn what they like and take what they like and see if you can't apply it to yourself without too much pain. no one is asking you to change your core/soul. just a little shift here, a change there.
5. Once you feel exposed enough, go back into your shell and multiple layer barrier.
6. Wait for them to say hi to you in the hall. well.... I suppose we middle/junior highschoolers are the minority in this forum huh?
But we are all decently smart here. You can apply it to yourself.

[mind_wander]

It is actually simple to make quick friends.
1. Burden yourself with their small talk for a minute or two. make sure you PAY ATTENTION and give a couple comments. If you dont' pay attention you will push them further away.5-4
2. Bring up something that doesn't require a lot of tact. Even if it means more small talk... p.e., "what was the homework in math class?" from there, you can go into what you learned that day. a bit less of a burden.
3. Slowly get to a higher level. Make them feel smart even if you think they are the stupidest people on earth.
4. Bring up one. 1. ONE. UNO, UN, 5-4, A SINGLE theory/concept/idea. one big enough to interest you but small enough for them to understand. that one theory/idea/concept will be the foundation of ur friendship. slowly you can learn what they like and take what they like and see if you can't apply it to yourself without too much pain. no one is asking you to change your core/soul. just a little shift here, a change there.5. Once you feel exposed enough, go back into your shell and multiple layer barrier.
6. Wait for them to say hi *to you in the hall. well.... I suppose we middle/junior highschoolers are the minority in this forum huh?
But we are all decently smart here. You can apply it to yourself.
Nice point, yeah I tend to try to shift toward that direction, now and then. It makes so much sense to do so, because finding or trying to jump into a conversation without tuning out is hard. But, if you are in a group of people with similar personality types; unlock your INTJness. Have a great laugh and be yourself without having to fear what people might say. All people will remember you by is what you can do to assist others with other attributes.

[mustangtech]

I've never been afraid of one-on-one conversation. I'll talk to anybody one-on-one about anything, Miss America, Bill Gates, the garbage man, the mailman, etc... we can talk politics, religion, history, sports, you name the subject and I usually enjoy it. But put me in a group of more than 4 people and I usually have a very hard time doing any talking and I end up wishing either I wasn't there or it was a smaller group.

[rubbercorks]

I've never been afraid of one-on-one conversation. I'll talk to anybody one-on-one about anything, Miss America, Bill Gates, the garbage man, the mailman, etc... we can talk politics, religion, history, sports, you name the subject and I usually enjoy it. But put me in a group of more than 4 people and I usually have a very hard time doing any talking and I end up wishing either I wasn't there or it was a smaller group.


But thats the thing, most people do not want to talk about interesting things like politics, history and religion (and if they do it generally isnt in an informed intelligent way). They want to talk about some woe-is-me story, the new cell phone attachment, or some he-said-she-said crap. Yeah if people want to have an informed conversation I feel at home, but anything less and it is like listening to nails on a chalk board.

[Wolfie]

I've never been afraid of one-on-one conversation. I'll talk to anybody one-on-one about anything, Miss America, Bill Gates, the garbage man, the mailman, etc... we can talk politics, religion, history, sports, you name the subject and I usually enjoy it. But put me in a group of more than 4 people and I usually have a very hard time doing any talking and I end up wishing either I wasn't there or it was a smaller group.


But thats the thing, most people do not want to talk about interesting things like politics, history and religion (and if they do it generally isnt in an informed intelligent way). They want to talk about some woe-is-me story, the new cell phone attachment, or some he-said-she-said crap. Yeah if people want to have an informed conversation I feel at home, but anything less and it is like listening to nails on a chalk board.

Oh man! How many soaps and movies do you watch? That is not true. Haha. Some of those things are, like not being very well informed on politics and religion, but not everything they talk about is drama and accessories. There are people who don't mind talking about things passed themselves. I see your point(as it is too valid to ignore), but you have to look for the other parts of people, not just the obvious. Many people put on a show to impress their friends. People do have more than the top superficial level. Haha... This sounds so cheesy as I'm reading back over it...

[thegnat]

I've never been afraid of one-on-one conversation. I'll talk to anybody one-on-one about anything, Miss America, Bill Gates, the garbage man, the mailman, etc... we can talk politics, religion, history, sports, you name the subject and I usually enjoy it. But put me in a group of more than 4 people and I usually have a very hard time doing any talking and I end up wishing either I wasn't there or it was a smaller group.


But thats the thing, most people do not want to talk about interesting things like politics, history and religion (and if they do it generally isnt in an informed intelligent way). They want to talk about some woe-is-me story, the new cell phone attachment, or some he-said-she-said crap. Yeah if people want to have an informed conversation I feel at home, but anything less and it is like listening to nails on a chalk board.

Oh man! How many soaps and movies do you watch? That is not true. Haha. Some of those things are, like not being very well informed on politics and religion, but not everything they talk about is drama and accessories. There are people who don't mind talking about things passed themselves. I see your point(as it is too valid to ignore), but you have to look for the other parts of people, not just the obvious. Many people put on a show to impress their friends. People do have more than the top superficial level. Haha... This sounds so cheesy as I'm reading back over it...

I have two points:
1) Some people live in their top superficial level 80% of the time and are very fake. They really don't have that much depth to them - they might if they actually got out of their superficial level and truly introspected but all they care about is their appearance. Their outer "layer" is all they care about. Thus it is all that shows and most likely will ever probably want to show or be comfortable showing. Mind you I'm a pretty "real" person. You'll get really basic thegnat on the outside yet I do have many layers. It takes awhile to break all my shells.

2) There is a serious lack of information with other subjects. In a way people who talk about fashion and drama all the time are fashion and drama nerds. They get all the gossip, they watch all the shows, read all the magazines. It really is the thing they're most interested in talking about.

And my weird kind of logically based hypothesis:
pretend you're in a room with one person. you'll talk with them - you'll probably find a subject you both find interesting and you won't necessarily talk about drama and fashion and stuff because you'll most likely have *something* in common with the other person.

pretend you're in a room with three other people. The subject has to broaden. Yet there's still some odd broad topic that might include all four people. You can talk about that in a broad sense.

pretend you're in a room with 20 people. There's a rare chance all 20 of you will have something to talk about you all like unless you're in a common-interest group. Thus, gossip will be prevalent and so will dramas because theoretically everyone can talk about those.

[iwin]

It's funny how all my life I literally fought to be left alone, but ended up with a lot of close friends instead. I don't think I can call any of them my one and only best friend. I have a lot of best friends, whom I know for more than 5 years (some up to 25). I don't claim I meet them everyday, but even if I meet them in 5 years since the last time, it wouldn't change a thing. That's a strange thing about real friendship - it never ceases to exist.

[Bossy Mom]

I have had a difficult time making friends here in Southern California. Before moving here I lived in the Twin Cities, Minnesota. I had many, many friends and close female friends. I had many friends in the other places I've lived, too. People here are rather phoney. My teenaged daughter has had a very difficult time making female friends since she became a lovely young lady. The other teenaged girls look at her with absolute hatred and one even hissed at her at Fashion Valley Mall. She's starting to make a lot of male friends. I told her that at least they don't hate you for your looks. 7 of her 8 top friends on her myspace page are guy friends. I'm very happy with my reading, quilting and my darling dachshund.