Parental/Peer Pressure: Dating & Marriage

[TheLastMohican]

Is it common for INTJ's to get grief from family and/or friends who are set on the idea that everyone should date and get married?

Vent at will.

[Serket]

It is for me. My mum (ENFJ) is always at me about getting out, making friends and "finding someone". She "doesn't want me to be alone". I however don't want to spend my valuable time on the vacuous chatter that dating seems to comprise.

[TheLastMohican]

It is for me. My mum (ENFJ) is always at me about getting out, making friends and "finding someone". She "doesn't want me to be alone". I however don't want to spend my valuable time on the vacuous chatter that dating seems to comprise.

The bold part is my main objection to dating. I see absolutely no value in it for my purposes.

When my parents found out that they I was not interested in dating, they were at first skeptical. My mother kept saying that I would eventually get married anyway, as if it is an inevitable truth. My father expressed a kind of befuddled horror at the thought. "But you have to get married!"

Since then they have both backed off a bit. My mother doesn't bring it up anymore, and my father, while still seeing my logic as alien, has mostly given up trying to convince me.

[Haphazard]

I keep getting crap from people that I will, no matter what I say, get married. I don't easily relate to people, I'm relatively nonsexual, and I hate the thought of children, and apparently this is wrong, wrong, wrong. I often get so upset by people trying to drive home this point, smearing it on my thinking, and once was brought to the point of tears.

The sentiment of 'having a man to take care of you' might sound nice, but in actuality and practicality I don't see it ever working out that way. I'm trying to keep my line of thinking as 'if someone comes, they come, and if they don't, they don't,' but if I do find somebody who I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with, my family will never let me live it down.

[TheLastMohican]

I keep getting crap from people that I will, no matter what I say, get married. I don't easily relate to people, I'm relatively nonsexual, and I hate the thought of children, and apparently this is wrong, wrong, wrong. I often get so upset by people trying to drive home this point, smearing it on my thinking, and once was brought to the point of tears.


One of my friends, when he found out that I had never "liked" a girl (no crushes or desires to date anyone), was quite surprised, and when he found out that I thought it unlikely that I would ever marry, said "One girl could change your mind." He was probably right. It is possible, just hard for me to imagine happening, because I don't see how. If continue what I am doing now, there is really no chance that I would fall in love with someone. I simply don't socialize in that way in the first place.

[SeaCzar]

TLM,

If you don't mind, how old are you? If you do mind, its OK.

[TheLastMohican]

TLM,

If you don't mind, how old are you? If you do mind, its OK.

17. Why do you ask?

[Zirka]

Arghh. I get this all the time. My mom, my sisters, my friends. Like really, I don't want to be set up on a date, and no mom, for the billionth time, I didn't see any cute boys today. I wasn't even looking. And I'm not going to go searching for them either, so just leave me alone.

[curiousjane]

17. Why do you ask?

Oh, for crying out loud. Your parents need to get real. If you're 17 put it all off as long as possible! I mean, I know people who have married their high school sweethearts and all that, but I'm very skeptical of the whole thing. This is YOUR time. Live it up while you can, before you have to pay bills. :irked:

Now, if you're 37 and playing video games in your parents' basement still and living off of boxed mac 'n cheese, you have something to worry about.

[TheLastMohican]

Oh, for crying out loud. Your parents need to get real. If you're 17 put it all off as long as possible! I mean, I know people who have married their high school sweethearts and all that, but I'm very skeptical of the whole thing. This is YOUR time. Live it up while you can, before you have to pay bills. :irked:

Now, if you're 37 and playing video games in your parents' basement still and living off of boxed mac 'n cheese, you have something to worry about.

They are not applying much of any pressure. They just seemed very confused at first as to why I would have such thinking.

They were talking about long term, too, not saying I needed to start dating right away.

[curiousjane]

They are not applying much of any pressure. They just seemed very confused at first as to why I would have such thinking.

They were talking about long term, too, not saying I needed to start dating right away.

Ok. Got it. :thumbsup:

[Firelie]

My mom oftentimes asks me if I've "made any new friends," which in her language is a polite way of asking if I have a boyfriend yet.

She's been asking a lot less often over the past few years, though. I think she's just beginning to understand how vastly different we are...I showed her an article about introversion and how to treat introverts, that seemed to help a lot.

[Santana28]

its probably normal if your parents arent IN types themselves. my parents always thought i was gay because i was never interested in dating, and they always tried to push me into social activities because they saw i could care less about hanging out with "friends." Just do things on your own terms and you'll be fine - we all aren't meant to be social butterflies.

[Iveyrockstar]

I think you should take life at your pace. Don't let others around you (especially parents) try to push something on you as serious as an intimate relationship. I have a big long story that I dont have the time to tell right now, but needless to say, I've learned the hard way through my past relationships (and the current) that INTJ's don't need the additional complications that come with having a deep emotional bond to another person of unpredictable character. Even if they are a nice person and you are attracted to them, I say you should decide based on your logic when deciding how and when you are going to date and even if you are going to. When you meet someone that you can not continue this process with because you are so smitten; THEN date. I would not intentionally avoid dating, nor pursue it... But that's just if I were in your shoes. I'm married but separated and have a little girl to think about. I can understand someone not wanting kids at a certain point in their lives, but once you have a child, you will likely fall in love with them. If you choose not to have kids, that's up to you and your spouse. My advice if you marry, is to make sure you marry (or even date for that matter) someone who feels the same as you do about not having kids. Otherwise, the relationship may not survive....

"And that's all I have to say about that..." :)

[TheLastMohican]

Thanks for the advice, everybody. But...

I think my own situation is going fine (at least for now). I would like to know some of your stories. How common and how strongly emphasized is the societal expectation of dating and/or marriage? Are there any differences depending on where you live? To those who have yielded to these pressures, did it only result in further pressure being applied?

I have fairly limited exposure to this pressure, but I do know that most of the people I see regularly are of this mindset to some degree. So those of you who have more exposure would have some good insights on why people think that way and how they go about trying to make everone else think that way as well.

[Aurelia]

Is it common for INTJ's to get grief from family and/or friends who are set on the idea that everyone should date and get married?

Vent at will.

My father (INTJ) has never bugged me about dating. He's always respected my decisions and independence. My mother on the other hand (ESFP) nags me about everything. She doesn't like that I got married at age 26 (an unmarried woman above the age of 25 is an old maid in her opinion). My husband and I dated for five years before getting married. At one point I felt the need to tell her we had broken up so she wouldn't nag me about pressuring him to propose. Now that we are married she leaves messages on my phone asking whether or not I'm pregnant. :rolleyes:

One reason why I think she is almost in a state of panic over these issues is because I do not communicate with her. She HAS to know what I am doing at ALL times. The more she invades my privacy the more I block her out. It's sort of a nasty cycle we've always had. Do you feel the same way when someone pushes their expectations on you?

[TheLastMohican]

My father (INTJ) has never bugged me about dating. He's always respected my decisions and independence. My mother on the other hand (ESFP) nags me about everything.

An INTJ married to an ESFP? Wow. That must have been interesting.

She doesn't like that I got married at age 26 (an unmarried woman above the age of 25 is an old maid in her opinion). My husband and I dated for five years before getting married. At one point I felt the need to tell her we had broken up so she wouldn't nag me about pressuring him to propose. Now that we are married she leaves messages on my phone asking whether or not I'm pregnant. :rolleyes:

Yes, that's the kind of thing I was wondering about. First she pressures you to start dating. When you do so, then she pressures you to get married. But even that's not enough to quiet her; Then she starts asking when you're going to have kids. :irked:
Meaning, there is no solution.

One reason why I think she is almost in a state of panic over these issues is because I do not communicate with her. She HAS to know what I am doing at ALL times. The more she invades my privacy the more I block her out. It's sort of a nasty cycle we've always had. Do you feel the same way when someone pushes their expectations on you?

I think I do. It might be considered irrational (:scared:), but when somebody is obnoxiously insistent on something, even when I think the issue is worthy of consideration, I tend to grow more opposed. If you apply a lot of pressure on me to do something, I am just more likely to harden my opposition. A lot of this probably comes from the irritating pattern of events: A person tells me to do something a certain way. I express doubt, and begin to think it through to see if they are correct. The person is irritated that I am doing my own thinking instead of just taking their word for it. Then, if I end up deciding to do what the person had originally suggested, the person crows that I was "wrong" and have now "been forced to change my mind" or something like that. People tend not to see any difference between a blunt refusal to consider an option and an expression of doubt that is followed by a period of careful decision-making.

[curiousjane]

She doesn't like that I got married at age 26 (an unmarried woman above the age of 25 is an old maid in her opinion).

Wow. Then I'm pushing ancient maid status.

One reason why I think she is almost in a state of panic over these issues is because I do not communicate with her. She HAS to know what I am doing at ALL times. The more she invades my privacy the more I block her out. It's sort of a nasty cycle we've always had.

I guess I'm glad I have an INTJ mother. Granted, she still frets and needs updates. I think it's a mother thing.

@TLM:
How common and how strongly emphasized is the societal expectation of dating and/or marriage?

Fairly common. Family, in particular, want to see you happy, and want to enjoy the additional pleasures of playing with "the grandkids." However, I think geographical area and cultural expectations contribute a lot to the age at which this pressure is applied.

For instance, in the Northeastern US and Midwest, I'd say upper 20s, early 30s is the "acceptable" age for serious relationships and/or marriage. While more Southern locales deem early 20s as the ideal, with some even promoting marriage to those in the 18-20 range if college is not attended.

So, education plays a large part, as well. As more women attend masters and doctoral programs, the older the marriage age trend will rise.

And, not surprisingly, a more casual attitude about sex has contributed to the rise in marriage age, I would venture to guess!

But, I digress ... that isn't about pressures to marry. For me, the pressure is there if I want to have kids before it becomes dangerous. Yeah, stupid biological clock stuff really does apply if you want children. And I won't have kids unless they can have a father who will be there for them. And I won't marry unless I know I am 100% certain he is the right kind of guy for that role. And I won't date unless I am reasonably certain he is the right kind of guy to be in the potential running for that role.

If none of the above applies, I will be single. Period. And I think I will be reasonably happy, if perhaps a little lonely.

Which is, of course, what family and friends don't necessarily understand.

I think what I hate the most is attending family weddings. "So when will we be celebrating YOUR happy day, Jane?" The aunts purr. And then, adding insult to injury. "You aren't getting any younger, you know."


----------------
Almost forgot: my grandparents are the worst. Every time I talk to them, they ask if I have "met a nice young man yet?" I forgive them this transgression, since I know they just want to meet him before it's too late. Sad, but true.

[Tual]

My grandma asks me when I will finally get a girlfriend every time I visit her promptly followed by "I want to have great grandchildren before I die". To which I reply: ask one of my cousins...
She can't get it in her head that I'm just not interested in a long term relationship right now, old people:rolleyes:.

Luckily she's the only one as my dad respects my choice in how I plan my live (it's mine after all), and since I only visit my grandma one a month I don't have many problems.

[TheLastMohican]

@TLM:

Just out of curiosity, who was the first to abbreviate my name TLM? (I don't mind; I'm just surprised how common it has become.)

Fairly common. Family, in particular, want to see you happy, and want to enjoy the additional pleasures of playing with "the grandkids."

Do you think the pressures are based in selfish motives? At some point they must reach the understanding that you are happy as you are, so why do they continue to pressure forever?

However, I think geographical area and cultural expectations contribute a lot to the age at which this pressure is applied.

For instance, in the Northeastern US and Midwest, I'd say upper 20s, early 30s is the "acceptable" age for serious relationships and/or marriage. While more Southern locales deem early 20s as the ideal, with some even promoting marriage to those in the 18-20 range if college is not attended.
So, education plays a large part, as well. As more women attend masters and doctoral programs, the older the marriage age trend will rise.

And, not surprisingly, a more casual attitude about sex has contributed to the rise in marriage age, I would venture to guess!

Boy, I'm glad I don't live down south...

But, I digress ... that isn't about pressures to marry. For me, the pressure is there if I want to have kids before it becomes dangerous. Yeah, stupid biological clock stuff really does apply if you want children. And I won't have kids unless they can have a father who will be there for them. And I won't marry unless I know I am 100% certain he is the right kind of guy for that role. And I won't date unless I am reasonably certain he is the right kind of guy to be in the potential running for that role.

For this reason I often feel sorry for women who are in the dating world. It seems that they are often led into bad situations because they are racing against themselves.

If none of the above applies, I will be single. Period. And I think I will be reasonably happy, if perhaps a little lonely.

Which is, of course, what family and friends don't necessarily understand.

I think what I hate the most is attending family weddings. "So when will we be celebrating YOUR happy day, Jane?" The aunts purr. And then, adding insult to injury. "You aren't getting any younger, you know."

Wait, do some family members remain eternally convinced of your supposed unhappiness? You'd think that the fact that you are not trying to get married would tell them that you are not in despair over the fact that you are not married already.





TheLastMohican added to this post, 3 minutes and 23 seconds later...

My grandma asks me when I will finally get a girlfriend every time I visit her promptly followed by "I want to have great grandchildren before I die". To which I reply: ask one of my cousins...
She can't get it in her head that I'm just not interested in a long term relationship right now, old people:rolleyes:.

Luckily she's the only one as my dad respects my choice in how I plan my live (it's mine after all), and since I only visit my grandma one a month I don't have many problems.

I see that as a very self-centered way of viewing the situation. Children and grandchildren do not have an obligation to commit their lives to someone so that that their parents and grandparents can have grandchildren and great grandchildren. Can't they be content with the children and grandchildren they already have? After all, they are not the ones who have to give birth to the grandchildren or take care of them for 18 years.

[ElstonGunn]

when somebody is obnoxiously insistent on something, even when I think the issue is worthy of consideration, I tend to grow more opposed.

This is the exact reason that there are a few books I refuse to read, movies I refuse to watch, and things like that. One of the best ways to make sure that I don't do something is to try to force me to do it and keep bringing it up. That's a completely different subject, though.

Back on topic, I get the 'subtle hints' from my mom once in a while: "A lot of the girls over at (some place, like a store or restaurant or something) sure are pretty." My dad couldn't possibly care less. I think he's an INTP. My brother and some of my friends think that I'll end up with some kind of trophy wife in spite of the fact that they've never seen me with a girlfriend or a date or having any non-platonic/polite interaction with a lady-type. I don't know why they think that, but I guess it's kind of a compliment.

But overall, I'm generally not subjected to explicit crap about pairing up. I get a vague, unspoken vibe about it sometimes, but that sense with a lot of other things about me. Maybe I'm just apathetically paranoid.

[Santana28]

She doesn't like that I got married at age 26 (an unmarried woman above the age of 25 is an old maid in her opinion).

hahaha... i just had to pipe in on this. My grandmother had already had 4 children by the time she was 21. My mother had me at 17. Literally EVERY female acquaintance i had in school was pregnant or with a kid by the time they were 20. So imagine how i felt being 23 and unmarried/unpregnant?

Its pretty sad when you can remember both of your parent's 21st birthday party... and then you realize you're 23 and single and enjoying life, and you realize all their criticism on the subject is worthless. Live your life!

[ElstonGunn]

Its pretty sad when you can remember both of your parent's 21st birthday party...

It doesn't sound sad (or bad or wrong) to me. Just kind of mind-blowing.

[Firelie]

I see that as a very self-centered way of viewing the situation. Children and grandchildren do not have an obligation to commit their lives to someone so that that their parents and grandparents can have grandchildren and great grandchildren. Can't they be content with the children and grandchildren they already have? After all, they are not the ones who have to give birth to the grandchildren or take care of them for 18 years.

Maybe they had crappy children/grandchildren and are hoping for a better next generation? lol I know my grandma wishes I'd get married and have children, but I'm pretty much the only grandchild she has that has ambitions for life and isn't in jail...

[TheLastMohican]

Maybe they had crappy children/grandchildren and are hoping for a better next generation? lol I know my grandma wishes I'd get married and have children, but I'm pretty much the only grandchild she has that has ambitions for life and isn't in jail...

Do you mind me asking out of how many grandchildren? If it's out of ten or so, then I can understand her frustration. There's no need to focus it all on you, though.

[Aurelia]

An INTJ married to an ESFP? Wow. That must have been interesting.

Interesting and... perhaps tumultuous would be another adjective to describe their marriage. My dad met my mom when he was stationed in Korea. It's not just personality differences. There's a definite cultural barrier too. They've been married for over 30 years though. How it works I don't know. :suspicious:

Yes, that's the kind of thing I was wondering about. First she pressures you to start dating. When you do so, then she pressures you to get married. But even that's not enough to quiet her; Then she starts asking when you're going to have kids. :irked:
Meaning, there is no solution.

You're right. There is no solution. That is why I moved several thousands of miles away from home. I love my mom but she really knows how to drive me nuts. My dad always jokes around saying that he's going to send her over to live with me :scared: I'll be going home soon for a few weeks -- pray that I survive the pregnancy interrogation!

I think I do. It might be considered irrational (:scared:), but when somebody is obnoxiously insistent on something, even when I think the issue is worthy of consideration, I tend to grow more opposed. If you apply a lot of pressure on me to do something, I am just more likely to harden my opposition. A lot of this probably comes from the irritating pattern of events: A person tells me to do something a certain way. I express doubt, and begin to think it through to see if they are correct. The person is irritated that I am doing my own thinking instead of just taking their word for it. Then, if I end up deciding to do what the person had originally suggested, the person crows that I was "wrong" and have now "been forced to change my mind" or something like that. People tend not to see any difference between a blunt refusal to consider an option and an expression of doubt that is followed by a period of careful decision-making.

Exactly.

[Peloton]

I have come to dread sentences beginning with "If only..." from my INFP mother. "If only you could make some friends." "If only you could lose some weight, then maybe people would realize you're attractive." "If only you could find some nice clothes, then maybe you could make a good impression." "If only there was a group you could join where you could meet a nice man...then maybe you'd be happy."

I don't appreciate being told that she thinks I'm fat, badly dressed, lonely, and unhappy. She doesn't intend to be mean--she really wants me to be happy, and in her mind a single, 37-year old, childless woman with a small circle of close friends couldn't possibly be happy. At least the pressure is off about grandkids--my brother took care of that.

[SeaCzar]

17. Why do you ask?

I ask this for a few reasons. First off, almost everyone in the forum is so damned smart, I cannot tell their age from their posts. Secondly, your age is not listed in your profile, and, knowing what age you are may allow me to better respond to your post.

I would think that, if anything, your parents should be discouraging from marrying, at least in the short run, to allow you to finish your education (I'm assuming that you are soon to be at university). You will probably find your views changing (for better or worse) about getting married when you get older. I did (for the worse). However, I do have friends that married later, very happily so.

Bottom line: Marriage is the most important emotional, sociological and economic decision you will ever make. You need to make this decision on your own terms. Allow no one any influence in this matter.

[acyckowski]

I ask this for a few reasons. First off, almost everyone in the forum is so damned smart, I cannot tell their age from their posts. Secondly, your age is not listed in your profile, and, knowing what age you are may allow me to better respond to your post.

I would think that, if anything, your parents should be discouraging from marrying, at least in the short run, to allow you to finish your education (I'm assuming that you are soon to be at university). You will probably find your views changing (for better or worse) about getting married when you get older. I did (for the worse). However, I do have friends that married later, very happily so.

Bottom line: Marriage is the most important emotional, sociological and economic decision you will ever make. You need to make this decision on your own terms. Allow no one any influence in this matter.

I have to echo and amplify SeaCzar's perspective on this one.

Some of us old dogs (35) have a tough time framing our answers in this forum, because we assume experience you pups don't have. Experience doesn't change the process of reason, but it does alter premises and open new perspectives. Way back when some of you were still pooping yourselves and stuffing animal crackers in any orifice you could reach, we were going through what you are now. Time has given us the luxury of studying what happened, what worked, what didn't, and why. In other words, things seem so obvious to us NOW....:rolleyes:

The problem you're facing is not what it appears, and defiance is not the solution.

This sounds like an SJ/NT conflict made worse by the order of the hierarchy. Your folks are very troubled by your self-directedness and disregard for cultural expectations. Unfortunately, in their concreteness, they only have a vague sense that something is broken. Your disinterest in dating is something visible they can "fix." Further, since adolescent rebellion is normal, they want to misconstrue your arguments as defiance. In their worldview, it is one of their most noble obligations to force their viewpoint on you. This creates a feedback loop by which your arguments only make them more convinced they're doing The Right Thing.

You, on the other hand, easily see the irrationality of their stated position. It's just so damn obvious you're right, maybe if you explain it again they'll get it. Sound familiar? Your youth and inexperience work against you in the sense that you're not seeing everything else that's going on. No matter how sound your reasoning, you will not persuade them because they are not talking about what they are talking about.

Fortunately, you're smart enough to listen and learn! ;D

From my POV, you have to fight this one like it's intellectual jiujitsu. Turn their weight (authority) and strength (experience) against them. Use your NT to re-frame the whole conflict in terms of something else that they want you to accomplish. "Well, Mom, like you've always said, grades are important if I want to get into a good college. I'd love to be dating someone right now, but I need to concentrate on my classes. If somebody special comes along, great, but first things first, right?" Stick to that approach and it ought to help change their perception from "weird loner" to "focused super-achiever."

If this doesn't work, as in the case of some of you twenty-somethings, then accept that your parents are having trouble coming to terms with your adulthood. At a certain point, you may have to simply assert your independence and tell them to butt out, in no uncertain terms. Be careful not to continue engaging them on it, though, they'll just see that as an invitation to butt back in. Same thing if you're still living at home: no matter how old you are, in their house, your business will always be their business.

[Gabrielle]

Ehh... not really, but my mum always told me that I shouldn't care about how I look, I should concentrate on my studies first. Now she's telling me "why can't you care about how you look". Sorry, mum, but your fault...

I think Mum has given up on me ever getting married. Good thing too, since I probably can't.

[acyckowski]

Ehh... not really, but my mum always told me that I shouldn't care about how I look, I should concentrate on my studies first. Now she's telling me "why can't you care about how you look". Sorry, mum, but your fault...

I think Mum has given up on me ever getting married. Good thing too, since I probably can't.

Oh, I should have mentioned that SJ's almost never see the logical contradictions of their own views. A good number of them won't admit to changing their minds, either. "We're at war with EastAsia. We've always been at war with EastAsia."

It's really just another problem she can "fix." Are you out of the house? If not, ask her to take you shopping and max her credit cards. Express genuine interest in improving your appearance until the bill comes in, after which she'll probably drop it.

Sorry to say, you can't win this decisively, it's a war of attrition.

[wolf]

My aunt and grandmother bug me about this regularly. My other aunt was nosing about last time I was there, too.

Leave me alone. Asking over and over, giving hints about girl X I don't see as date material, etc, is not going to prompt me to date anyone.


That said, there is currently the remotest of possibilities with a girl they might actually accept, not that I've ever cared whether or not they would accept someone. Of course, her parents probably wouldn't accept me, so it's the same thing, only in reverse.



This whole game is stupid and silly.

[suzyk]

My mom wants me to make more friends, and my dad jokingly says he'll get me married off when I am aged 18.

[lordrrr]

Yeah it's an issue for me. My parents told when I was very little that their point of living life is to hold my grandkids. This sucks, because this means that if I ever were to get married it would be like 30% sex and 70% parental expectations. So I doubt that, unless I meet the PERFECT girl for me, I should ever get married because it may just become unstable and unhealthy.


My friends also treat dating pretty importantly, but it's kinda varies. So at my school it's ALL about the dances. If you don't have a date to the dance you are SAD in their mind. I hate dances and find them to be absolutely corny, so I never attend. This one girl was talking to her friends about it how if you don't go to the valenintines day dance people start feeling sorry for you and bull like that, but I'm sure no one has ever felt sorry for me at that school. Thankfully, I have no friends at my stupid school.

In terms of my REAL friends, they vary. My ENTP best friend hates dating and finds it pointless, but I think he wants to get married when he grows up. My other friends, well some of them date. Actually a lot of my friends help hook me up. I am friends with many "ladies men", so it's pretty easy to get hooked up through them. My friends don't pressure me at all I believe, they are very helpful as I go through being a teenager who is "supposed to date". And my ENTP best friend is very supportive as well seeing as he chooses to live the same lifestyle.


Other influences are very annoying, such as T.V. and movies, but if any of such involved something as sappy, fake, artificial and pointless as high school romance I wouldn't watch it. Unless it has some awesome positive to outweigh that negative (for instance, "Transformers")

[sriv]

My parents are asian and they know nothing about me so they are telling me NOT to date until college and focus on my studies. At that point my parent lecture listening time mode turns into ignore completely mode as they have no idea who they are talking to.

[Alcuin]

My parents are driven to see my succeed, so I have been fortunate not to receive pressure from them. I know my mother wants children some day, but she sees my brother as more of the maternal type than I could ever be.

[curiousjane]

Hate to break it to ya, kids, but societal and parental pressures don't go away just because you've grown up.

Then again, everything is amplified by the teenage years. When I think back to some of the stuff I scribbled in my journal back than ... wow. I know how strange it is to be the intellectual one in the midst of the social ones. Nobody really got me.

It took me until I was 25 to make friends that "got" me and I "got" them. And that's just strictly platonic relationships ... I still haven't figured out the romantic kind. Fortunately for me, my folks are the "intellectual kind" too. So while they might wistfully mention grandkids, they quickly follow it up with reassurances that they support me and what I choose for my life. I just have to remember they want the best for me, even when they don't express that desire in the most agreeable ways at all times.

[Llen]

Hate to break it to ya, kids, but societal and parental pressures don't go away just because you've grown up.

I completely agree with your posts in this thread thus far. In fact, I would note that parental pressures increase relative to their age, not yours. For example, my mother's references towards "marriage" and "babies" has increased exponentially in the last six months. Coincidentally, these six months led up to her 50th birthday. Add to this the fact that I am approching the age at which she first gave birth (25). All of this equals a parent re-evaluating benchmarks in her life and thus wanting her daughter to do the same thing at the same period of life.

I cope by identifying the source of the parental pressure and re-directing her efforts towards a better subject: my sister :smartass:

[curiousjane]

I completely agree with your posts in this thread thus far. In fact, I would note that parental pressures increase relative to their age, not yours. For example, my mother's references towards "marriage" and "babies" has increased exponentially in the last six months. Coincidentally, these six months led up to her 50th birthday. Add to this the fact that I am approching the age at which she first gave birth (25). All of this equals a parent re-evaluating benchmarks in her life and thus wanting her daughter to do the same thing at the same period of life.

I cope by identifying the source of the parental pressure and re-directing her efforts towards a better subject: my sister :smartass:

I got a chuckle out of this one. So true.

[sriv]

My parents are much more selfless. They are focusing all their efforts on me as the eldest and take into consideration only my progress and actions. I would not be able live the life they lead. So unenriching. I cannot imagine not learning something new every day.

[Llen]

My parents are much more selfless. They are focusing all their efforts on me as the eldest and take into consideration only my progress and actions. I would not be able live the life they lead. So unenriching. I cannot imagine not learning something new every day.

Selfless? Probably true. But expect them to ask for a "small" return on their investment (i.e. you) in the form of grandchildren. As the eldest, you will be the first to face their parental onslaught of continuing the bloodline unless your siblings beat you to it. The fact that your parents have delayed their pleas means nothing.

[sriv]

I would much enjoy the -manifestation of pride and joy-. The challenge is getting there.

[Llen]

Have you tried having lots of unprotected sex without contraception? That usually works for most people's "manifestations."

[sriv]

Maybe after I marry...

[Taberculosis]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.

At family functions everyone asks HIM when we are getting married. Not me. It makes things totally awkward.

I don't want to get married till I finish my career. And honestly.... I don't really even want kids.

But, I don't want to be that crazy aunt/cousin who never got married and doesn't have kids and lives with her 4 pomeranians.
.... I guess I'll just settle and conform though.....