Do you go to funerals?

[thecraig]

What do you think about funerals? Is there much point in going or is it something you need to do to have "closure"? If a coworker you barely knew but worked with every day died would you go? If you could avoid going to an immediate family member's funeral would you?

[thegnat]

What do you think about funerals? Is there much point in going or is it something you need to do to have "closure"? If a coworker you barely knew but worked with every day died would you go? If you could avoid going to an immediate family member's funeral would you?

I don't know if it's something I need to do to have "closure" or not. I believe you find closure on your own. You don't get it by a funeral. You find it by introspection and reflection.

There is absolutely a point in going though.

If a coworker...
No. I would send flowers or something.

If...family member's?
No. I'd go if I possibly could.

If you want more explicit answers from me, PM me.

[logan235711]

it's very situational of course, but family--most likely and mostly for everyone else--I don't really need to go to feel 'closure' as thegnat pointed out. it doesn't really matter to me if someone dies unless their absence affects non-emotional areas in my life such as income or something. i move forward very quickly which is very hard for others to deal with.

for friends sure i'd go, cause i don't call everyone a friend--i have alot more acquaintances than friends ; ) and for co-workers, it depends on the situation--most likely not tho.

[thegnat]

it's very situational of course, but family--most likely and mostly for everyone else--I don't really need to go to feel 'closure' as thegnat pointed out. it doesn't really matter to me if someone dies unless their absence affects non-emotional areas in my life such as income or something. i move forward very quickly which is very hard for others to deal with.

for friends sure i'd go, cause i don't call everyone a friend--i have alot more acquaintances than friends ; ) and for co-workers, it depends on the situation--most likely not tho.

Wow. I move forward quickly, but not that quick. It doesn't affect you emotionally - at all? I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. It just seems odd. I'm not very emotional at all...but death of a family member does affect me emotionally. One of the few things that does.

[cielo market]

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have never had to suffer the loss of a loved one. The last funeral I went to was my grandmother's but I was about 7 years old, so I don't remember much. I see a lot of people here saying they probably wouldn't go to a coworker's funeral. For me, it would depend on how deep a relationship was, not on their relation to me.

[thegnat]

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have never had to suffer the loss of a loved one. The last funeral I went to was my grandmother's but I was about 7 years old, so I don't remember much. I see a lot of people here saying they probably wouldn't go to a coworker's funeral. For me, it would depend on how deep a relationship was, not on their relation to me.

Well yeah if they were close I'd go. I'd go to a close friend's too. But I'd opt not to go to someone I barely knew's. It's really for the family and close friends. Funerals aren't social events and you don't want too many extraneous people. At least IMO.

[cielo market]

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have never had to suffer the loss of a loved one. The last funeral I went to was my grandmother's but I was about 7 years old, so I don't remember much. I see a lot of people here saying they probably wouldn't go to a coworker's funeral. For me, it would depend on how deep a relationship was, not on their relation to me.

Well yeah if they were close I'd go. I'd go to a close friend's too. *But I'd opt not to go to someone I barely knew's. *It's really for the family and close friends. *Funerals aren't social events and you don't want too many extraneous people. *At least IMO.


Right. For acquaintances, I'd pay my respects if I happen to meet up with the deceased's family members, but I wouldn't feel comfortable going to their funeral. It would feel like a social event, as you mentioned.

edit: typo

[AJ]

Depends on whose funeral. I have a strong dislike of my family, thus if they die, I won't go to their funeral, or really give it much thought. People die afterall, why stop things for every insignificant person that dies? I probably sound cold but that is the attitude I have to death. However, if it is a friend I will go, for as others have posted I too have a small selection of 'friends,' the rest are nothing but aquaintances. As for life experience, the only funeral I've ever attended was my Dad's and I was just inside the funeral for the beginning and end, I spent the rest of my time outside. I was in a bit of a rage though, for people who hadnt even stopped by to say hi to him in years came to the funeral, and the constant condolences were annoying. I just feel that funerals are worthless, if you really value someone why not tell the person while they are alive rather than go to the funeral of a person who you hadn't been around in years. Unfortunately no one payed attention to me of having a party at the funeral, which was what my dad had always said when he was alive, but it was unethical.

[Jezebel]

I don't need them for closure. When I'm grieving for someone close to me who died, I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to people about it, and if I do, it certainly wouldn't be a group of people. I'm also not good at consoling other people who are grieving so my presence doesn't do much good for them either and it makes me feel even worse.

I find open casket funerals especially disturbing. I don't like seeing someone I was close to stiff and pumped up full of chemicals as the last time I see them. I don't understand why that helps people.

[thegnat]

Depends on whose funeral. I have a strong dislike of my family, thus if they die, I won't go to their funeral, or really give it much thought. People die afterall, why stop things for every insignificant person that dies? I probably sound cold but that is the attitude I have to death. However, if it is a friend I will go, for as others have posted I too have a small selection of 'friends,' the rest are nothing but aquaintances. As for life experience, the only funeral I've ever attended was my Dad's and I was just inside the funeral for the beginning and end, I spent the rest of my time outside. I was in a bit of a rage though, for people who hadnt even stopped by to say hi to him in years came to the funeral, and the constant condolences were annoying. I just feel that funerals are worthless, if you really value someone why not tell the person while they are alive rather than go to the funeral of a person who you hadn't been around in years. Unfortunately no one payed attention to me of having a party at the funeral, which was what my dad had always said when he was alive, but it was unethical.

I just can't write about this without getting too personal for a forum but I'll try to un-personalize it:

I think condolences aren't as much for you as for the person from whom they're spoken. You're their reminder of the deceased. Especially if you're immediate family. It's important for them to see that you're well. They see the deceased in you and it gives them comfort. So I think it's important for you to go if you're family. Just my opinion. From my experiences. You don't even have to say anything - just be there. And they understand.

[rubbercorks]

I really dont understand funerals and the reasons why people go. I try to avoid them at all costs. It is not because I dont care about the person, but it just make any sense. The person dies, you spend an enormious amount of money to invite people into a room and sing religious songs or whatever, have everyone drive then to another area, talk some more, and then finally bury them. It seems to be a lot of effort for something that really doesnt matter or change anything, they are dead. At the same time, even though I feel sad that the person is gone, I dont feel the need to be overly demonstrative about it to the people around me. I hope this makes sense.

[logan235711]

Wow. I move forward quickly, but not that quick. It doesn't affect you emotionally - at all? I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. It just seems odd. I'm not very emotional at all...but death of a family member does affect me emotionally. One of the few things that does.
what kinds of thingies do you have in minds?

[Shadow]

So far the only funeral I've gone to is my dad's, when I was 12. I wasn't paying attention for most of it, I understood why my dad said they were a waste of time and money. One thing that really annoyed me was that my half-sisters (who hadn't even talked to my dad for several years and they knew he was sick) gave a long-winded eulogy. Both me and my mum resented them doing that. Also, I must have really stood out because while everyone else was dressed in black, I had on a red jacket. There wasn't a point in buying a suit that I'd only wear once.

[rwyatt365]

What do you think about funerals? Is there much point in going or is it something you need to do to have "closure"? If a coworker you barely knew but worked with every day died would you go? If you could avoid going to an immediate family member's funeral would you?
I don't like funerals. In my experience they have just been a vehicle for people to try to impress one another with overblown demonstrations of grief. I won't say that they don’t serve a purpose, I just believe that the purpose could be served through some other vehicle. I avoid funerals as much as possible, and when I do go, I keep it "short and sweet". Actually, the only reason I do go to funerals is to chauffeur my wife there.

As far as "closure" is concerned…I hate that word! When someone dies, I don’t need "closure" – their death is the closure. For me, there is nothing to "close", they are gone, time to move on. All of the "weeping and gnashing of teeth" is frankly ridiculous to me. That is the kind of thing that I think has no point to it.

[thecraig]

So... I started this string because I made the mistake of revealing my thoughts on funerals at work and was told that I was cold and heartless. So here are my thoughts:

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. It's part of the greiving process for most people. If I can avoid going to a funeral then I will avoid it. If an immediate family member died I would go because the rest of my family would want/need me to be there and most of them wouldn't understand if I didn't go. I, however don't feel the need to go for myself.

[orange]

the furnals I have been to have been fine, but then funerals are the only time that part of the family gets together so it turns out to be more of a reunion with dead people in boxes than a funeral.... although there is that annoying service and then that annying drive to put said people in boxes in the ground.

[thecraig]

the furnals I have been to have been fine, but then funerals are the only time that part of the family gets together so it turns out to be more of a reunion with dead people in boxes than a funeral.... although there is that annoying service and then that annying drive to put said people in boxes in the ground.

Yeah. The family reunion portion is kinda nice sometimes.

[Nomad]

I have been to a great many funerals, for friends and co workers and people I served with. I skipped my mothers and I missed my fathers ( I was working in another country and it took my lawyer some days to contact me) i think that what some overlook is that most of the world does not think like us. For us, death happens, you move on, it's a loss, but we have odd coping mechanisms, death is intellectual, not emotional.Ritual, which we find pointless, seriously and sincerely helps people, to the point where some people simply cannot understand how we think it's a waste of resources.

We do exist in society, and i suggest that your life can be easier if you exert some effort to conform to social norms. For example, I went to a funeral for a man who committed suicide three days before Christmas. I had met him twice, but I liked and respected his wifes family, all of whom are quite close. There was line to pay your respects, and I was on crutches recovering from a very bad injury that required major surgery. I stood in line on the frozen sidewalk like everyone else (there was a lot of people) for two hours. I was offered several chances to go to the head of the line but declined. As I reached the front, I very quietly said I'm sorry for your loss. That's it, sat through the funeral, went home.

We sometimes inadvertently offend people we deal with, and this can hamper our projects and even seriously affect our lives. Much can be forgiven if you make such gestures. Think of it like building up credit. We don't see the point in rituals ( I personally don't want a big wedding, should I get married, city hall is fine with me) but for other people it's a validation of their place in the community, which is very, very important to them. Probably more important than our need for space and alone time. We can escape inside our minds, they cannot escape feeling of loneliness or isolation.

We do operate in the larger world, and a small concession to social ritual can only help us. Just an opinion.

-Nomad

[mind_wander]

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have never had to suffer the loss of a loved one. The last funeral I went to was my grandmother's but I was about 7 years old, so I don't remember much. I see a lot of people here saying they probably wouldn't go to a coworker's funeral. For me, it would depend on how deep a relationship was, not on their relation to me.
Good point, I think I was like 10yrs, then like 2 years ago my Grandpa died[father side], well my other Grandpa died[mom side], like way way way long ago, even before meeting him. So yeah, there is alot of people I know kinda sprung alot of deaths. Now after saying that, it sounds very gloomy, but ever heard the saying. When it comes death, "Another sunshine comes the next dawn of day." People comes and goes, the most important is try to be true to yourself and stop denying it.

Have you ever done something positive toward that person without being fake[yes, lying to them]? Do you understand and listen to what they got to say? When people tell them a lie, do you do something about it? Although, you are not there all the time, does that person call for you asistance when they needed the most?

These are some of the closer questions, people kinds should think about, before that person dies. Its not saying, your a positive person, but you want a better well being for them. Plus, there are alot of lonely people out there, way more than INTJ's; that goes for "E"s personality traits. So INTJ's, do not feel sorry for yourselves, as being lonely. "E" personality traits can feel isolated too, when people has different views, then the bashing comes. My main point is when they leave us[past away], have you ever wondered, if that person ever listened to your advice and used it efficiently? This is one question, that I can never can get an answer. [Its not about your positive image that your protraying, its the honesty that your protraying].

I do know, if your an INTJ has touched part of someone's life; they really apprecitate your company and HONESTY. People hate it when you try to hide your inner thoughts and be realistic about it. As my professor said, "In life, people will always die around you wherever you go." If you don't see that, well your red flag show go up sometimes by now. Should realized that people die around you all the time, but if you don't well (someone's living in a dream world). My professor suggested, not sure the name of the author, but its called "Shock and Grief Cyle."

[rwyatt365]

We sometimes inadvertently offend people we deal with, and this can hamper our projects and even seriously affect our lives. Much can be forgiven if you make such gestures. Think of it like building up credit. We don't see the point in rituals ( I personally don't want a big wedding, should I get married, city hall is fine with me) but for other people it's a validation of their place in the community, which is very, very important to them. Probably more important than our need for space and alone time. We can escape inside our minds, they cannot escape feeling of loneliness or isolation.

We do operate in the larger world, and a small concession to social ritual can only help us. Just an opinion.

-Nomad
Understood, accepted and agreed.

Yes, we do operate within society and it would behoove us to operate within its norms if we expect to be a functioning member of that society.

However, that does not necessitate that we internalize those social constructs – just be able to recognize and emulate them when necessary. Many posters stated that they didn’t see the point of the funeral ritual and avoid them when they can. (Personally, I see the point, but I still avoid them when I can) I think that most would observe the ritual when it is recognized that there is some social pressure to do so.

Social ritual has its place. It acts, as you pointed out, as a "glue" that binds the participants together in some manner. While many of us don't necessarily need that bond, we still participate at some level in the rituals just in order to reduce friction. In effect, we might do just fine living isolated on the mountain-top but it still gives us a nice little glow when the lady at the general store says, "Have a nice day", and smiles.

INTJs can be human after all! :P The evil robot has a heart. :lovestruck:

[OneBadMother]

I only go to funerals when other people need me to. If, let's say, my best friend died, then I probably would go to that funeral, but that wouldn't give me closure. I would be thinking about it for years.

[aude]

I think funerals are useless interventions that meandering bible pushers do so that way they have closer in some arbitrary meaning to some extensive belief in that there is some one higher and more powerful then them. :o

For me, just throw me down a raven and allow the animals a free meal.

[bucolic_]

I think funerals are useless interventions that meandering bible pushers do so that way they have closer in some arbitrary meaning to some extensive belief in that there is some one higher and more powerful then them. :o

For me, just throw me down a raven and allow the animals a free meal.




Right...because funerals have only been around as long as "bible pushers."

[aude]

I think funerals are useless interventions that meandering bible pushers do so that way they have closer in some arbitrary meaning to some extensive belief in that there is some one higher and more powerful then them. :o

For me, just throw me down a raven and allow the animals a free meal.




Right...because funerals have only been around as long as "bible pushers."

How many funerals have you been to that sent there dead to valhalla or even the river styx . In the most recent years. I am talking about the modern funeral. When i said that.

[Nomad]

I think funerals are useless interventions that meandering bible pushers do so that way they have closer in some arbitrary meaning to some extensive belief in that there is some one higher and more powerful then them. :o

For me, just throw me down a raven and allow the animals a free meal.




Right...because funerals have only been around as long as "bible pushers."

How many funerals have you been to that sent there dead to valhalla or even the river styx . In the most recent years. I am talking about the modern funeral. When i said that.
Nine and three, respectively. I'm a Pagan.

-Nomad

[Vayate]

I avoid them at all costs, since they're just weepy people and a dead guy. It strikes me as a meaningless affair tbh. That said, I do move on pretty much immediately unless the death affects me in a practical manner (eg, I used the person as a liaison frequently or s/he owed me money).

[bucolic_]

I think funerals are useless interventions that meandering bible pushers do so that way they have closer in some arbitrary meaning to some extensive belief in that there is some one higher and more powerful then them. :o

For me, just throw me down a raven and allow the animals a free meal.




Right...because funerals have only been around as long as "bible pushers."

How many funerals have you been to that sent there dead to valhalla or even the river styx . In the most recent years. I am talking about the modern funeral. When i said that.

Well...I haven't been to that many funerals, but I never saw them as you seem to. I see no reason for an atheist/humanist not to have a funeral, they don't strike me as a strictly religious affair.

[rwyatt365]

Well...I haven't been to that many funerals, but I never saw them as you seem to. *I see no reason for an atheist/humanist not to have a funeral, they don't strike me as a strictly religious affair.
Funerals, like marriages, are social constructs meant to engage the community in a personal "passage" and cement the members together in a common experience. Both have been "conscripted" by religions (both modern and ancient) and "sanctioned" within their various contexts as being good. But the fact of the matter is that funerals are no more religious than taking a crap is. I will, however, concede that death rites can evoke spiritual responses in people - just as mating/bonding rites, childbirth, ascencion to man/woman-hood might, etc... - all are powerful emotional circumstances.

[thecraig]

Well...I haven't been to that many funerals, but I never saw them as you seem to. *I see no reason for an atheist/humanist not to have a funeral, they don't strike me as a strictly religious affair.
Funerals, like marriages, are social constructs meant to engage the community in a personal "passage" and cement the members together in a common experience. Both have been "conscripted" by religions (both modern and ancient) and "sanctioned" within their various contexts as being good. But the fact of the matter is that funerals are no more religious than taking a crap is. I will, however, concede that death rites can evoke spiritual responses in people - just as mating/bonding rites, childbirth, ascencion to man/woman-hood might, etc... - all are powerful emotional circumstances.

If I am going to be copletely honest with myself, I think one of the main reasons I dislike (and probably why we INTJ dislike) funerals so much is that they are so Emotional. Public display of emotion, expecially strong emotion, make me very uncomfortable.

[thegnat]

Well...I haven't been to that many funerals, but I never saw them as you seem to. I see no reason for an atheist/humanist not to have a funeral, they don't strike me as a strictly religious affair.
Funerals, like marriages, are social constructs meant to engage the community in a personal "passage" and cement the members together in a common experience. Both have been "conscripted" by religions (both modern and ancient) and "sanctioned" within their various contexts as being good. But the fact of the matter is that funerals are no more religious than taking a crap is. I will, however, concede that death rites can evoke spiritual responses in people - just as mating/bonding rites, childbirth, ascencion to man/woman-hood might, etc... - all are powerful emotional circumstances.

If I am going to be copletely honest with myself, I think one of the main reasons I dislike (and probably why we INTJ dislike) funerals so much is that they are so Emotional. Public display of emotion, expecially strong emotion, make me very uncomfortable.

Good point. I always feel weird *not* being very emotional at them. Of course I am saddened by the event. And I probably cried by the first time I heard. I'm just rather stoic afterwards at least publicly. And prefer to only show emotion when I'm by myself.

[bucolic_]

Well...I haven't been to that many funerals, but I never saw them as you seem to. I see no reason for an atheist/humanist not to have a funeral, they don't strike me as a strictly religious affair.
Funerals, like marriages, are social constructs meant to engage the community in a personal "passage" and cement the members together in a common experience. Both have been "conscripted" by religions (both modern and ancient) and "sanctioned" within their various contexts as being good. But the fact of the matter is that funerals are no more religious than taking a crap is. I will, however, concede that death rites can evoke spiritual responses in people - just as mating/bonding rites, childbirth, ascencion to man/woman-hood might, etc... - all are powerful emotional circumstances.

I can agree with all this. And like others said, they tend to be overly emotional. Actually, I remember when my grandfather died (who I was very close to) the only time I had a hard time emotionally was when he was actually dying. By the time the funeral came around, I'd already reached closure, because he wasn't suffering anymore.

And then when my great aunt died, I didn't feel much of anything, which...I "felt" bad about... Or more accurately, I knew that others might find it odd if I wasn't affected emotionally...

[rwyatt365]

If I am going to be copletely honest with myself, I think one of the main reasons I dislike (and probably why we INTJ dislike) funerals so much is that they are so Emotional. *Public display of emotion, expecially strong emotion, make me very uncomfortable.

Good point. *I always feel weird *not* being very emotional at them. Of course I am saddened by the event. *And I probably cried by the first time I heard. I'm just rather stoic afterwards at least publicly. *And prefer to only show emotion when I'm by myself. *

Ditto. Although I have not ever reached the stage of having any kind of emotional response at all, even when by myself. I just feel...numb.

[The Rose]

What do you think about funerals? Is there much point in going or is it something you need to do to have "closure"? If a coworker you barely knew but worked with every day died would you go? If you could avoid going to an immediate family member's funeral would you?
I have learned to appreciate the purpose of a funeral, or funeral home viewings.

The presence of other people around you when you have lost a loved one is incredibly comforting. They don't have to say anything. They're just keeping you company.

If you attend the funeral/viewing of a co-worker you didn't know very well, it comforts the family to know their loved one will be missed by many people, and not forgotten.

If you have a little story to tell about that person whether it is heart-warming or funny, it's a blessing to that grieving person to hear that story.

The reason I go is for the benefit of those who are grieving.

[thegnat]

I have learned to appreciate the purpose of a funeral, or funeral home viewings.

The presence of other people around you when you have lost a loved one is incredibly comforting. They don't have to say anything. They're just keeping you company.


exactly. And if you're family I feel like it helps the other family and friends to see you there. Especially if you're family and you were really close to the deceased and everyone knew it, you're kind of their connection. Their strength in a way. Their way of seeing that the deceased's spirit lives on and lives strong. I could see it in their eyes when I was at my grandpa's funeral. They commiserated of course, but I could see that it just wasn't for me, it was for them too. I greeted every single person. I knew they wanted to see me. I hardly said anything. But I shook hands and listened. And that's all that mattered.

[GOD]

There's quite a bit of negative distancing from death I see in the posts.

A funeral isn't a religious thing. It’s a sign of respect and realization that the petty things we get caught up in.... pale into insignificance.

I believe it’s far sadder not to grieve for someone that has died...

For an INTJ a funeral is akin to a large social event and they might not be happy about expressing emotions that everyone has... but, real people deal with real situations.

Some of the absolute best people I have come across seem to have endured the death of one (or indeed both) parents at an early age... I think there's some interesting research to be done there.

[thegnat]

There's quite a bit of negative distancing from death I see in the posts.

A funeral isn't a religious thing. It’s a sign of respect and realization that the petty things we get caught up in.... pale into insignificance.

I believe it’s far sadder not to grieve for someone that has died...

For an INTJ a funeral is akin to a large social event and they might not be happy about expressing emotions that everyone has... but, real people deal with real situations.

Some of the absolute best people I have come across seem to have endured the death of one (or indeed both) parents at an early age... I think there's some interesting research to be done there.


GOD, I couldn't agree with you more.

Perhaps it's the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" cliche as for the people that have endured the death of a parent or both at an early age. I really do believe that.

[NephilimAzrael]

I am often inappropriate in funerals. for example, when my maternal grandfather died, I attended the funeral, spent time with my mother reminding her of the humour, intelligence and strength my grandfather possessed and shared with his family when he was alive, I hoped it would reassure her that he lived on in his family. Yet when my grandmother died, I refused to enter the church due to my growing distance to social rituals. The last funeral I attended was for a friend, it helped that I could disassociate from his faith, as he did, and that he was a powerful character. But there was never any closure in their deaths, it was already closed.

[changos]

I rarely go, I avoid them. BUT I try to make the care one my support offering myself for anything they might need.

I don't find it useful for my friends to go to my family funerals either, it is mostly about feeding people and chatting. I don't find any support on that.

[Antisocialite]

What do you think about funerals? Is there much point in going or is it something you need to do to have "closure"? If a coworker you barely knew but worked with every day died would you go? If you could avoid going to an immediate family member's funeral would you?

I think it depends on what the wishes were of the recently deceased and if I cared at all about or loved the person. As a kid, my mother forced me to go to the funerals of every person that died at our church. Insane, I know. Now, I don't go to funerals unless the person was a very close loved one. The last funeral I attended was for my father. The one thing I regret about it is that my dad was a traveling man, a trucker for 30+ years, and no one thought that he might want to be cremated and have his ashes spread out over the U.S. As a child I remember him saying something about that. It still bothers me that the family buried him.

While I'm on the topic, I'd like my remains to go to science and organ donor programs. May as well be useful instead of worm fodder. :)

[karenk]

I went to funerals A LOT as a child because we went to everyone in our pseudo-cult religious group that died within.... say 2 hours driving distance and we didn't know 99% of them. They mean nothing to me. I don't go. I don't want to have one either.

Edit: I just read the post above mine after I posted and noticed the similarity. ha!

[Monte314]

I am an ordained Elder in my church, and can do funerals. I have only done one; it was not a difficult service to do, and the family and friends really seemed to benefit.

There was a display of photographs showing the person at various stages of their life, doing the things they loved, and being with the ones they loved.

At one point in the service, I opened the floor for any family members who wished to stand and shares some memories they had of the person; this seemed to really help people. Many stood and shared something special to them... mostly small things that would have seemed insignificant at the time... but which had made a lasting impression that will last long after they are gone.

At the end, everybody was smiling. The service had become in many ways a celebration of a beloved person's life, an affirmation of their significance, and recognition that they were not alone in their sense of loss.

You see, it's not the ceremony that makes the difference... it's sharing the loss... and the joy... that another person had brought as they passed through the world.

[True Rune]

If I am going to be copletely honest with myself, I think one of the main reasons I dislike (and probably why we INTJ dislike) funerals so much is that they are so Emotional. Public display of emotion, expecially strong emotion, make me very uncomfortable.
This holds true for me as well. And when you're with what people would call a "dysfunctional" family, it can lead to violence. I've been to one funeral(almost 10 years ago) , and a fight broke out over something foolish and it was terrible for us. (my siblings and I) I also agree that funerals are for the living, rather than the dead, and if I am not there to serve the living, then I need not be there at all. Of course it follows that I don't care who or who doesn't go to my funeral (though the war will come and I'll probably be in a corpse pile ^_^)

[weirdel]

I don't need them for closure. When I'm grieving for someone close to me who died, I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to people about it, and if I do, it certainly wouldn't be a group of people. I'm also not good at consoling other people who are grieving so my presence doesn't do much good for them either and it makes me feel even worse.

I find open casket funerals especially disturbing. I don't like seeing someone I was close to stiff and pumped up full of chemicals as the last time I see them. I don't understand why that helps people.

When my Grandmother died, I couldn't bring myself to look at her.. And all my family members told me I should, so I walked out of the room. They all thought that was a horrible thing for me to do, not to look, and to walk out..
It affected me so much to look at her, for a while I thought I should have listened to my family, maybe I would have "coped" better, but there was nothing more horrifying than seeing that.
I was 15 at the time, and now, still, I'm glad I didn't look. I'm glad I remember her in her last days rather than with that face..


L.P.E.

[athenian200]

What do you think about funerals? Is there much point in going or is it something you need to do to have "closure"? If a coworker you barely knew but worked with every day died would you go? If you could avoid going to an immediate family member's funeral would you?

I don't really think I would want to go... it's very inconvenient to have to get dressed up and stand there during the whole thing, especially while I'm going through any kind of pain. I understand that the person is gone, I don't need to watch them be buried in order to understand it. I would much rather cry at home, talk my feelings out with a few close friends and maybe a therapist. Going to a funeral is just added stress because of the formality and public nature of the event, and the number of people, in my opinion.

As much as it may irritate people, I'm unlikely to go to any funerals, and have not done so yet.

[notoppings]

I've never been to a funeral, most of my family especially on my mothers side live into their 90's and 100's so everyones still here, the one funeral I must have been taken to, I was to young and don't remember.

I do think that funerals should be a celebration and not a somber event, like Monte stated. People may feel bad but if everyone remembered something that could help to show the family that the person was loved then the survivors may be able to think that the dead persons life was good.

I kind of like those funerals that I've seen celebrated on TV in New Orleans a band playing festive music people gathering and sharing food drink and memories a few tears but mostly happy thought for the dead.

[jadefalcon]

For the short answer, read the bold.

I have never had to go to a funeral, though I have visited a gravesite.

If I were to go to a funeral, I would make a lot of people very angry by not being empathetic for the dead or their families. In fact I would be happy for the person, on a level that A) they are dead and not living in the hell we call life and B) they have risen if they repented and believed in the Lord (but B is for a different sub-forum). This would cause people to be VERY angry with me and I will probably get thrown out. I am indiffierent to the dead- feeling grief for the dead is a trick the mind plays that I am learning to control- it is a natural human emotion. I don't grasp social rituals very well. I'm not going to have a pity party- but I am not going to laugh at the dead guy, either. Respect for the dead and those around me is ideal, but I'm not playing pity party.


edit- dress, speeches and what not are also very annoying. The exception is a military funeral. I may feel some emotion there for the actions and sacrifice they paid rather "their dead and gone".

[eli]

I always go to funerals, more for the people who are affected by the loss and to see the person one last time. I know it's just a corpse, but it makes their death more real. Without it, I often feel like I just haven't seen the person in a long time.

What I hate most about funerals is that you can often see that some people there are much more upset about the reminder of their own mortality, rather than the loss of a loved one. The second thing I hate the most is the speech given by the priest. "He was a good man. Someone whispers in priest's ear. Priest eyes crowd nervously, coughs. She was a good woman." In small communities, it makes sense because the priest actually knows the deceased and can actually talk about them, but not in a modern city.

The funerals I have went to were a mix of the bitter and the sweet. People remembered the good times, but some people still cried because they had lost someone close.

[Darkmist]

That happens in small towns too. I went to a funeral last year for my father in law, who had lived in that town and known most people his whole life. The pastor could barely pronounce his name and only read a short blurb on the back of the pamphlet about him that we all read. She then recited from the bible repetitive passages about Jesus dying on the cross that had nothing to do with my father in law. It was pathetic.

I attend funerals only if I absolutely must to make someone else happy. I'd rather quietly, on my own, remember a loved one than natter on about god and cookies, and coo over the baby of some seventh cousin to the third degree who I've never met before. The only decent funeral I went to was a wake. Remembering a person's contributions to your life through laughter makes far more sense to me than through tears. And booze does wonders in crowd situations with relatives you don't know and don't want to know.

[Antares]

I don't fancy wasting my time at a funeral. There is absolutely no point. If the nice words said contain any truths, then we all know it. No sense being redundant. If they're not, why are we even saying it? With that said, I don't go to funerals; especially if it has anything to do with religion. My uncle broke a couple of teacups at my grandmother's funeral for religious symbolism (it's not Christianity) and I wanted to yell: "They're perfectly functional teacups!" Besides, I abhor the practice of burying the dead. The Earth can be used for much better purposes than housing rotting corpses. I would request to have my ashes thrown into the ocean.

[Caucus]

I don't mind the idea of celebrating someone's life after they have passed..but often, funerals turn into a somber crying affairs. I'm not the type to cry about something I can't change. Crying won't change what's happened in the past. If it were a family member or close friend's death, I would attend their funeral, out of respect. If I were not close (family or very close friends) with the person who died, I probably would not attend their funeral.

[mkay]

Only for those I've been close to. To show respect to survivors. I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't think the dead person cares. Funerals don't give me closure. With my grandparents being old, it just felt natural that they should die. With a good friend who died in her 40s, it seemed unnatural, so no real closure there.

As an atheist, I don't care about my funeral, burial and such. My survivors can do whatever they want.

[catd]

Never - what is the point?

[weirdel]

If I have a funeral, I want it to be like an Irish Wake.. Everyone drunk and happy.

L.P.E.

[umop_3pisdn]

I have, but I generally just feel awkward or out of place amongst the other mourners.

[Nolia]

I'll go to a funeral if I know and respect the family. Otherwise, no.

[Airius]

I go the funerals of family and family of close friends (if they wish me to).
But I prefer not to generally, the testimonies make me a little teary.

[totallyconfused]

This is interesting. I had two relatives die recently. Dealt with it. I had a member of staff die in 2000... I was devistated...he was such a lovely kid. I was asked to represent the company at the funeral... I was horrified to be 'toasted' at the wake- ''the rock from the company that did it all for us'...I can't describe how awful that made me feel.

BUT..if I was suddenly informed my first husband was dead... my answer would be 'ok I'll turn up just for the proof the XXXXX is dead'. Of course in this PC world, there is no way I am allowed to tell my children with him that is really my opinion. If he was dead (if god exists....now's your chance for proof lord) of course I would have to 'be there to support my children in their hour of need'.

My grandfather died when I was 8. All I remember was being woken in the middle of the night and being told we had to drive 4 hours away to help grandma. Then in the car being told, 'grandpa was sick and he died'. I felt no reaction. (and I was what I consider close to my grandfather) I got this sense that I should be distraught or panicked or outwardly react for some reason. But I didn't. I was actually more distraught by the wake; my grandmother opened every drawer in the house and said, 'if you think it belonged to him , and you want it, take it.' THAT I found worse than any funeral I have ever been to, whether for the old or the young.