'Separate' for grad school?

[PortInStorm]

Quick overview before asking for advice
- finishing up undergrad at School A
- applied to grad School A and B (located 8 hours away in Ottawa)
- accepted by A (more than adequate funding) and B (only $ enough for one year; to be supervised by a leader in the field)
- school A's benefits: supervisor that I know and really like as a friend (an NT for sure), more potential for joint publications since I know all the profs, would live at home with my husband and dog (relationship and $), circle of friends here. Main drawback: hurting my career by staying at undergraduate school
- school B's benefits: 'famous' supervisor, almost everyone thinks you should go to a different school than your undergrad school (so benefits my career), away from inlaws (sorry to say, I don't jive with them, but they are really nice people). Main drawback: separated from husband, not enough money

Husband thinks I should go, he won't be able to leave his job til retirement (he's in 30s now) due to pension and amazing job not readily found, at all. Mom worries about my marriage, there's some question about how important a different graduate school actually is. Have one cousin in Ottawa, so wouldn't be totally alone, not able to live with him.

So do you think a marriage can take the separation (not just living in dif places, but 8 hours away)? Do any of you have experience with how important a different school is, career-wise? What would your instinct about this be? Is that different from what your rationality would decide?

[raconteur213]

I hear alot of things from you here. In reality, if you have the discipline, your work will speak for you and not your credentials. However, that said, you may be able to focus better outside of a family support (Comfort/Distraction)

Unfortunatley, the odds are that your relationship would suffer greatly, most likely end. Perhaps you want this subconsciously to unfold in a manner that "Seems out of your control".

In the end, this question seems more about your relationship and less about your career. Talent, like cream, always rises to the top - no matter where you are from.

that is my grain of salt

[md21017md]

my g/f did the very thing you speak of. Her marriage ended when she had an affair while at grad school.

[thegnat]

Before I say anything, take this into account: I'm speaking from the perspective of a junior chemistry major looking at grad schools and I know a bit about chemistry graduate programs (PhD programs, not masters). The people I know are in chemistry and/or chemical engineering.

my undergrad school doesn't even have this option. However, I know people who are at schools that do have graduate programs they're interested in.

I know someone who went to a school that's more expensive to live there, with research projects that didn't seem as interesting compared to their (undergrad, which was anotehr grad option) school, but still fine. However, this school was also a better known school and they'd have a more big-named supervisor. Their undergrad was in the top 25 grad schools I believe and the other grad was top 5. They mainly chose the other grad because there's a huge stigma apparently for going to the same grad school as you went to undergrad apparently. Their advisor told them it would help them grow as a person, too. They were really thinking about going to their undergrad and talked to a few people and they all said that they should go to a different grad school.

I think it's also a thing with exposure to something different than you did at undergrad especially if you did undergrad research. And also just adapting to a new environment. However, I'm not sure employers really make that big of a deal out of it.

All that said; I don't know much about the relationship area. And how much that would affect your happiness or your relationship being away from your husband. How long are you going to be in grad school? 4-5 years (PhD (at least in the sciences)) or less? Less than that your relationship may not take too much strain. I wouldn't know about 4-5 years though.

[brewmaster]

and B (only $ enough for one year; to be supervised by a leader in the field)

I don't know your field or school but watch out for getting screwed when they tell you that they have only enough money for one year. Sometimes its just a way to tell you that they are trying you out, and they really do have the funding, sometimes its the truth and you will be left to fend for yourself at some point.

Also watch out for 'leaders in the field.' They can have completely different personalities to their subordinates than the one they portray to the rest of the world (this is true for any PI really). In other words they could be a complete dick, and you would never know it because the people currently in the lab are in a kind of 'battered wife syndrome' for lack of a better term.

I've been in the latter situation and it really sucks. Cannot speak for the academic inbreeding, it really depends on your field.

[qwerty]

Well something I'm learning is publication possibilities. Even for a leader in the field it might be worth looking at publication counts of some of their students and where their students are publishing (there are ways to make publications more impressive by aiming for low rated journals and conferences, or submitted into affilliated conferences to get certain branding).

If you're thinking about a career in industry rather than academia then you can make the most of a lower ranked school by building an affiliation with a company whilst preparing your thesis. It's become more common to see co-published papers between various industry R&D departments an Universities. Of course this does involve 'selling out' to a degree, but in reality if you're post-doc and you don't wish to be an academic you'll have to at one stage anyway.
Quite alot of R&D bodies will do this to sell their customers on an idea (watch for patents), for instance IBM research has in recent years pulled the plug on allot of other research areas (some dating back to the late 80's) to focus on core product areas like SOC.

As far as grad school and undergrad school, it's more a case of supervisor time. In an undergrad school you'll be competing with undergrad students for professor time (which for a self suffiant student, shouldn't be a problem), also area of research, as gnat said gradschools generally offer a much broader range for research. But if you're first school is aimed in the direction you want to go, then this shouldn't be an issue.

[PortInStorm]

Professionally
- my undergrad supervisor worked under the 'famous' one in post-doc, so I know the famous one is 'nice', and lots of pub counts.
- Didn't think of using the undergrad school to make company contacts- that's a great point (and I don't care about selling out).
- The main sticking point is the stigma of staying at your old school, which younger professors say is dimishing due to international conferences/email etc., and can be made up for by publications. HOWEVER, I'm screwed if it really does matter because I can't go back and do another PhD at different schools.
- And good point about money possibly being there in 2nd year, possibly not.

Relationally
- this would be about a 7 year deal (2 year masters, 5 year PhD), so I don't know how it would work. Well, I'm avoiding- it wouldn't work. So it's work or relationship. I don't want to lose my marriage, but I know I need to be able to take care of myself now that undergrad is over. Therefore, I don't want to get screwed over by staying with the same school and losing employment opportunity after all this friggin work. And what if he leaves me after I stayed at the old school for him? That would be even worse.

[raconteur213]

Professionally
- my undergrad supervisor worked under the 'famous' one in post-doc, so I know the famous one is 'nice', and lots of pub counts.
- Didn't think of using the undergrad school to make company contacts- that's a great point (and I don't care about selling out).
- The main sticking point is the stigma of staying at your old school, which younger professors say is dimishing due to international conferences/email etc., and can be made up for by publications. HOWEVER, I'm screwed if it really does matter because I can't go back and do another PhD at different schools.
- And good point about money possibly being there in 2nd year, possibly not.

Relationally
- this would be about a 7 year deal (2 year masters, 5 year PhD), so I don't know how it would work. Well, I'm avoiding- it wouldn't work. So it's work or relationship. I don't want to lose my marriage, but I know I need to be able to take care of myself now that undergrad is over. Therefore, I don't want to get screwed over by staying with the same school and losing employment opportunity after all this friggin work. And what if he leaves me after I stayed at the old school for him? That would be even worse.

Sounds like you already have made your mind up, you are just avoiding the pain. It is a paradox; however, you sound like you love your work more than your husband. Our dreams are often a cruel mistress that makes no apologies.

Good luck in your endeavors, regardless of the path you choose...sincerely.

[Tenacious B]

I went from a school with a low ranking in my field for undergrad to a top 10 school for gradschool. I enjoyed my new school so much that I decided to stop drop the PhD idea and just get an MS and head to industry (decision came in one semester). The career fair at gradschool proved fruitful to put it lightly, which is the only solace I can take out of the 2 most miserable years of my life. I had a great advisor at a low ranked school and a poor one at a high ranked school. Grass isn't always greener as they say.

Just some food for thought.