Sex Directions & Etiquette

[JustMel]

I have a question for all of those that don't like dirty talk or loud sex, how do you handle being told "move this way" or "do this to me"?

[Seriously]

What does that have to do with talking dirty or being loud?

[Necrosis]

What does that have to do with talking dirty or being loud?

Umm... well if you don't like dirty talk and I told you to move this way you might take it as controlling and being submissive. Some females may not like that during sex. Some like to be entirely submissive. Telling you to do this is kind of dirty if done right :-D

[JustMel]

What does that have to do with talking dirty or being loud?

Because I was once with a guy who thought the clit was like a button and he could keep pushing to get the desired result and when I explained I'm not a push button girl but a counter clockwise one he became offended and informed me he didn't need directions on how to please a woman. I explained that if he wanted to please this woman he needed directions but that since he wasn't open to suggestions he could leave.

I'm curious how many people, men and women, take direction or consider it dirty talk because I've known a few people that considered suggestions as dirty talk and get turned off by it.

I don't get it. Suggestions are a good thing for the most part during sex.

[Seriously]

Umm... well if you don't like dirty talk and I told you to move this way you might take it as controlling and being submissive. Some females may not like that during sex. Some like to be entirely submissive. Telling you to do this is kind of dirty if done right :-D

That doesn't qualify as dirty talk IMO. Maybe we need to define it. hehe typically INTJ of us, eh?

For me dirty talk is more about the words you use I guess? I'm not big on profanity (unless you pull out in traffic in front of me or I drop something heavy on my toe) and that for me is what qualifies as dirty talk I guess.

---------- Post added 04-09-2010 at 10:47 AM ----------

Because I was once with a guy who thought the clit was like a button and he could keep pushing to get the desired result and when I explained I'm not a push button girl but a counter clockwise one he became offended and informed me he didn't need directions on how to please a woman. I explained that if he wanted to please this woman he needed directions but that since he wasn't open to suggestions he could leave.

I'm curious how many people, men and women, take direction or consider it dirty talk because I've known a few people that considered suggestions as dirty talk and get turned off by it.

I don't get it. Suggestions are a good thing for the most part during sex.

Directions are good, especially when done with humor. For me anyway. I much prefer to know if I'm doing something wrong so I can change it up then to have someone dread the moment when I reach down to unzip them. :p

[cannotseethe]

I'm curious how many people, men and women, take direction or consider it dirty talk because I've known a few people that considered suggestions as dirty talk and get turned off by it.

I don't get it. Suggestions are a good thing for the most part during sex.

I think giving/taking directions during sex is important. However, I don't want to talk the way I would if someone were, say, scratching my back, and I don't want to hear that either. "OK, a little to the left...a little more...OK that's good...a little harder...wait, up a bit..." You're having sex, not painting a bathroom. You can be raunchy.

[JustMel]

I think giving/taking directions during sex is important. However, I don't want to talk the way I would if someone were, say, scratching my back, and I don't want to hear that either. "OK, a little to the left...a little more...OK that's good...a little harder...wait, up a bit..." You're having sex, not painting a bathroom. You can be raunchy.

I agree but then dirty talk doesn't bother me either.

[katrin]

So my question for INTJs is this: when/how do you let partners know how you feel about sex-etiquette like being noisy/cussing etc.? Is it appropriate to talk about it before one actually gets around to doing the deed?

This thread is making me slightly paranoid that if I ever did get to take my INTJ crush to bed, there's no way I'd ever be able to guess what his preferences could be. And you INTJs seem quite particular. I'd feel pretty badly if, after what I thought was partner-pleasing sex, a guy told me "Can you not do that? That really turns me off." I'd rather know in advance.

[Necrosis]

So my question for INTJs is this: when/how do you let partners know how you feel about sex-etiquette like being noisy/cussing etc.? Is it appropriate to talk about it before one actually gets around to doing the deed?

This thread is making me slightly paranoid that if I ever did get to take my INTJ crush to bed, there's no way I'd ever be able to guess what his preferences could be. And you INTJs seem quite particular. I'd feel pretty badly if, after what I thought was partner-pleasing sex, a guy told me "Can you not do that? That really turns me off." I'd rather know in advance.

Sex to me is and should be a very open discussion. I would discuss it during and if we ever happened to cross the subject. Um... doing it the first time with someone is another story. That might be something that is discussed after. I am particular with certain things I like but, I'm not against things I dont like. If my partner enjoys it I'm all for it.

[OneHertz]

So my question for INTJs is this: when/how do you let partners know how you feel about sex-etiquette like being noisy/cussing etc.? Is it appropriate to talk about it before one actually gets around to doing the deed?

This thread is making me slightly paranoid that if I ever did get to take my INTJ crush to bed, there's no way I'd ever be able to guess what his preferences could be. And you INTJs seem quite particular. I'd feel pretty badly if, after what I thought was partner-pleasing sex, a guy told me "Can you not do that? That really turns me off." I'd rather know in advance.

There is no way you can both do everything 100% right for each other the first time. It takes a long time to learn one another. That's part of the fun...

I promise you, even if you get nearly everything "wrong" he will still enjoy it.

[plotthickens]

There is no way you can both do everything 100% right for each other the first time. It takes a long time to learn one another. That's part of the fun...

I promise you, even if you get nearly everything "wrong" he will still enjoy it.


"Even when it's bad, it's good!"

It helps a lot to write dirty notes to each other. Describe a fantasy that you'd like to have happen. Don't go overboard -- men's touch is frequently grabby and rough to women, where a chick's touch is often too soft and regular for men. So women writing a 'script' or whatever you want to call it, might be better served by being careful and exact in what they write. Men would be better served by being explicit.

Or you could just go for it and keep your sense of humor. Remember: first couple of times with a partner may be fun, but it doesn't get REALLY good until the fifth or tenth time around!

[vad1981]

Because I was once with a guy who thought the clit was like a button and he could keep pushing to get the desired result and when I explained I'm not a push button girl but a counter clockwise one he became offended and informed me he didn't need directions on how to please a woman. I explained that if he wanted to please this woman he needed directions but that since he wasn't open to suggestions he could leave.

I'm curious how many people, men and women, take direction or consider it dirty talk because I've known a few people that considered suggestions as dirty talk and get turned off by it.

I don't get it. Suggestions are a good thing for the most part during sex.

Take his hand and guide it...if he has a problem with that...he's got some self esteem issues.

[plotthickens]

Phrase it as a question and let them know it's better when they take the suggestion.

"Could you ride a little higher maybe? OOOH YEAH!"

They get the point really quick, and you both get a great time!

[cmrain]

Because I was once with a guy who thought the clit was like a button and he could keep pushing to get the desired result and when I explained I'm not a push button girl but a counter clockwise one he became offended and informed me he didn't need directions on how to please a woman. I explained that if he wanted to please this woman he needed directions but that since he wasn't open to suggestions he could leave.

The push button story should go in a new absurd sex stories thread. That was hilarious. I think I'll try that with my next girlfriend and see what she does.

Reminds me of a few first time stories.

"Even when it's bad, it's good!"

Or you could just go for it and keep your sense of humor. Remember: first couple of times with a partner may be fun, but it doesn't get REALLY good until the fifth or tenth time around!

Sex and pizza. Always a winner. Yep, first few times with a new partner are a lot more fun is you are just exploring and making an intimate connection. If I started giving a girl directions on how to perform, that might be the last time she wanted to perform. Men can be even more self conscious the first few times.
Take his hand and guide it...if he has a problem with that...he's got some self esteem issues.

Better idea. Find some of his favorite dessert. Pour it in the right places and tell him to enjoy. Get him doing something he is better at than using his fingers alone the first time. Or just move on to the main meal.

[fiver]

I'm fine and happy with taking directions as long as it's done in a gentle and non-accusatory way. I'd much prefer that to not doing something my partner would like, or doing something he doesn't like.

[JTG]

Yeah i'd rather ask for directions to make sure we all get where we need to go than strand a girl out in the middle of nowhere and make her end up walking home.

Has anybody seen that Wanda Sykes stand-up? She's funny with the gestures she makes, haha...

[Blse]

Directions are good. It's much better to know what you're doing wrong so you can fix it. I don't see any reason to be offended. Then again, that's part of being an NT - well at least, usually. We are supposedly reknown for taking constructive feedback in the intended way, not as a personal insult. Personally, I'm not very experienced so directions would be a definite plus. It makes learning easier and quicker. Sexual skills are, afterall, skills to be learned like anything else.

[Cooper]

Directions for sexual pleasure? Dirty talk? Loud?

How many people can walk up to a Cummins Diesel engine and know how to take the compressor off, replace the gasket and reinstall it? Sounds pretty easy, and it is, if you know what you are doing. Sex is no different, except a lot of people are afraid to ask questions because, well, "everyone knows how to do it". Thing is, thats not true. Most people like the same things, but only a little different. Parts are parts but what you do to those parts is what makes it good or bad. Its up to the individual to be reasponsible for their sexual pleasure. Say what you want, when you want it, what feels good, what feels not so good, and what you do not like. If your partner has a problem with this then you need to look at why you are having sex with them. If you have a problem saying what you want, work on it, or learn to live with a far less satisfying sex life. Good sex is often loud because you are enjoying it. Ask yourself this...can you sit through your favorite comedy without laughing out loud, or watch your favorite team win without cheering? Why should great sex be any different?

[Lycurgus]

I much prefer a direction here and there. I'd like to think I'm pretty good in bed, but every woman has her own special buttons that I'll never know how to push without a tip here or there.

[LifesEcstasy]

In general don't like being told as such but I don't mind being shown. Keep your mouth shut and just move me around, I'll get the idea. If you have to say something then say it softly not so my neighbours can hear. It's not the feedback I care about, it's the delivery. Saying something crass can just ruin the whole moment.

To be honest I've had problems with prudey guys. They were just so unadventurous that I stopped having sex with them. I couldn't be bothered because the effort outweighed the payoff. I think women are on the whole more likely to try a suggestion than a guy. They seem to get it into their heads that this is the only way to do something and I should just like it.:irked:

[zibber]

I have a question for all of those that don't like dirty talk or loud sex, how do you handle being told "move this way" or "do this to me"?

If you don't like something, don't keep that to yourself. You are free to say whatever you want.

[mormeguil]

I would say a bit of talk in a humorous way. If it's really bad you can probably make a game out of it "Let's have some fun, just start from my head and kiss me everywhere!" and you can probably give some more information afterward "Rub just there,softer/harder, etc."

[Ilara]

I don't like "dirty talk" in the sense of being sworn at or called a whore etc (THAT got me up and out of the bed in less than a second), but directions/instructions are fine by me; I want him to enjoy himself, and I want to enjoy myself, too. I don't really think of directions/instructions as dirty talk, actually. XD (So in answer to your question--I figure they're different).

I want to be respected, in bed as well as out. But directions/instructions aren't disrespect in my books. And hell, they're a whole lot better than being hung out to dry, for better or for worse. I'd rather be told what he likes than be left wondering if he's ever enjoying himself. >.<

[GrnEyz]

Previously, I didn't care for dirty talk during sex, but lately I've grown to embrace it (from my partner).

[LaoTzu]

... just move me around, I'll get the idea. If you have to say something then say it softly...

That's how I roll.


I don't mind a suggestion or two, because I approach sex as Me servicing my partners needs. As a man, there isn't much that I don't like; and that does not do the job for me. Being there, and sharing that passion means more than the act itself.

I've been called ... too ambitious... (not exactly how it was put.... ) and it kind of put a crimp in my style for a long time (until I figured out that it was more about her worry that she couldn't keep up. Then I really dialed it up :p ) The exact words she used still resonate with me, and that was years ago...


My theory, is that if you can't talk a good game, you shouldn't be playing the game.

[cannotseethe]

The push button story should go in a new absurd sex stories thread. That was hilarious. I think I'll try that with my next girlfriend and see what she does.

Good point. There's a thread for absurd dating stories (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). Part of what makes stories like this absurd is a failure to be on the same wavelength.

[hubcap]

Odds are that you will never achieve the maximum enjoyment out of your sexual experience if you're not communicating. Vanilla isn't everyone's favorite flavor of ice cream, and by the same token everyone doesn't have the same taste in sexual conduct and behavior.

[plotthickens]

Odds are that you will never achieve the maximum enjoyment out of your sexual experience if you're not communicating. Vanilla isn't everyone's favorite flavor of ice cream, and by the same token everyone doesn't have the same taste in sexual conduct and behavior.

Problem: Something hurts
Bad:"Ouch! Stop that!"
Good: Physically remedying the problem with a smooth move
Better: "Ooo, could you kiss me here?"

Problem: They're trying to be nice, but you're just not into it
Bad: Lying there and enduring
Good: "Could we do something else?"
Better: (suggestion of what you'd like)

[themuzicman]

Since I only have one partner, I suppose my experience is more limited, but I try to be proactive:

"Is that the right spot?" "Is there something you'd prefer tonite?" "How's that?"

It seems to me that being proactive like that saves a lot of awkwardness.

[plotthickens]

"Is there something you'd prefer tonite?"

This can lead to not only a co-created bit 'o fun, but also foreplay in its own right. :)

[themuzicman]

This can lead to not only a co-created bit 'o fun, but also foreplay in its own right. :)

True, although married life is probably a bit more ... tame...

[plotthickens]

True, although married life is probably a bit more ... tame...


:stunned: ... :suspicious: Not my married life! Dude, I didn't know until after we married that I... well, am capable of a whole BUNCH of fun sexy things! BTW, La Petite Morte? Interesting, but only the first time.

Let me say again: it is really really worth it to kiss a whole bunch of frogs prior to hitchin up with a lifepartner!n

[themuzicman]

That isn't to say that married sex isn't interesting, but that one person probably won't expose you to as many... adventures as several would.

(No, I don't advise seeking many adventures.. just sayin')

[plotthickens]

That isn't to say that married sex isn't interesting, but that one person probably won't expose you to as many... adventures as several would.

(No, I don't advise seeking many adventures.. just sayin')

Nobody can ever know what goes on between two married people. Nobody. I have had more sexual adventures, and exciting fun, with this one person than with any five others. That doesn't mean squat for anyone else -- because nobody can magically tell anyone what their marriage (if it happens) will or will not be like.

[JustMel]

True, although married life is probably a bit more ... tame...

:laugh: Maybe your married life is more tame. Mine however doesn't get tame because we don't let it.

---------- Post added 04-13-2010 at 02:36 PM ----------

That isn't to say that married sex isn't interesting, but that one person probably won't expose you to as many... adventures as several would.

(No, I don't advise seeking many adventures.. just sayin')


They will if they find out they enjoy those adventures just as much as you do. ;)

[plotthickens]

They will if they find out they enjoy those adventures just as much as you do. ;)


:thumbsup: Yet another reason to shop around... you find out what crumbles your cookies, so you can find a similar chocolate/macadamia nut/half coated in chocolate/with sprinkles/for dunking in mocha devotee.

Even if they prefer a latte for dipping. *sigh*

[themuzicman]

:laugh: Maybe your married life is more tame. Mine however doesn't get tame because we don't let it.

I didn't say mine was tame, per se, just probably (yes, conjecture on my part) moreso, since most individuals have preferences.



They will if they find out they enjoy those adventures just as much as you do. ;)

Unless they don't enjoy them :(

[plotthickens]

I didn't say mine was tame, per se, just probably (yes, conjecture on my part) moreso, since most individuals have preferences.

Unless they don't enjoy them :(

Sounds like your marriage bed sucks. You have my sympathies, dude.

Vaguely related, and which I have found to be very true:

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[JustMel]

I didn't say mine was tame, per se, just probably (yes, conjecture on my part) moreso, since most individuals have preferences.




Unless they don't enjoy them :(

Preferences are great but too many people dismiss things based upon how they think they'll feel regarding it rather than trying it to determine if they will like it through experience. There are extremes that may turn your stomach and make you realize you'd NEVER try that (two girls and a cup being one of my 'no way in hell, ever') but I know a lot of men and women who think they'll never like toys, role playing, spontaneous, public, rough sex to name a few.

I've told this story before but I'll tell it again.... I had an 80 something year old woman who had been married for 65+ years when I was in my early 20's who told me "Honey when you first start having sex with your man/woman it's like an exquisite seven course meal and you linger for hours over every new thing. After you've been married a while it's more like the McDonald's Value menu, quick, good and filling but not a lingering thing. Now don't get me wrong you can still sneak in those seven coursers but it takes a little more planning and finesse as time goes on. Don't let yourself get discouraged if you are getting tired of McDonald's and don't run out and try another menu because it may be 7 courses to start but eventually you'll get back to the dollar menu. Instead turn the phone, tv and all off and cook a seven course meal together at least once every few months. No one wants seven courses everyday, nor do they want McDonald's every day. And don't be a prude and remember that very few people really enjoy leftovers so don't let yourself become a leftover."

I laughed her story off for a lot of years. The longer I'm married the more I see the wisdom in her words.

We've tried a lot of things in our bedroom, some we liked and some we didn't. Some we laughed over and some we just said, "Uh no". The fun was in the trying.

[themuzicman]

Sounds like your marriage bed sucks. You have my sympathies, dude.

Vaguely related, and which I have found to be very true:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Actually, it's great. We've revitalized our sex life a few times by trying some new things. But there are some things that certain individuals will simply not try. That's all I'm saying.

[plotthickens]

Actually, it's great. We've revitalized our sex life a few times by trying some new things. But there are some things that certain individuals will simply not try. That's all I'm saying.

I don't like catfish. That's okay, there's still sea bass, octopus, shrimp, flounder, orange roughy, salmon, eel, squid, tuna, mahi-mahi, scallops, trout, oyster, perch, periwinkles, clams, guiducks, mackerel, bass, carp, marlin, swordfish....

Speaking of which, I've only tried farm-raised catfish. I might like wildcaught catfish. Hey! Something new to try!

I've had a lot of men approach me who said "My wife isn't into xxxxxxx, but she said I could go do it with other women, so would you date me?" ...Three times, I took them out to GV and we got good books for them. They managed to leave them on coffee tables at home. When the books looked interesting, the wives looked them over... and then the men didn't need to look outside the marriage. :laugh:

Marriage is about trying to help your partner out, yes?

[ctclough]

I'm not sure what "dirty talk" is, so I feel slightly at advantage. Do you have an example?

For me, it's always been a free thing we communicate about outside of the bedroom. It would seem somewhat mechanical to have an "Insert tab in slot A" type of dialogue going. I don't know if that appeals to me. It kinda loses the whole carnal, sexy vibe for me. My philosophy is no sex during dating and lots of sex thereafter. So, after 10 years, we are still making up for lost time. : )

We have taken a Menu approach. So I will say, what is on the menu for tonight? Let's "make dinner" tonight. Yum! What should we have for appetizer? Main course? We talk about it a lot actually, and ahead of time. It is sexy and funny, and leads to both of getting exactly what we want, at least some of the time. If we want to put something new on our menu, it works for us to physically try it (clothes on) to see if it could actually work. Then when we feel like it, we try it and see how it feels/works without any awkwardness. Ok, I am even not a sensor in this area - let's plan it out! :smart:

If I don't like something, I just throw him off or jump down and ask him if he's trying to break me or what. It seems to work well -- he's been a fast learner. :laugh::thumbsup:

[plotthickens]

I'm not sure what "dirty talk" is, so I feel slightly at advantage. Do you have an example?

AKA "Hollywood sex." Absolutely fall-down hilarious anywhere but in the heat of the moment. Here's a tame example, peek at your own risk.


You have such a great big ####! $$$$ me with your huge %%%%!
Yeah? You want it?
Oh yes! Give it to me!
Well you little &&&&& you can't have it till you #### it and make me hard as steel.
(garbled noises)
Ohh yeah Oh yeah you little #### that's so good, you've got the mouth of a $$$$$$$ angel. Flip over here and let me have at your %%%%%, it always tastes so good.
AIE! You bastard! Stop teasing me with your ####### tongue! Make me come! Give me your $$$$$$$ %%%%!
(more garbled noises)

...please note, either/any gender could run either side of this conversation.

[ctclough]

But there are some things that certain individuals will simply not try.

Add, "At this point in time." New tastes can be acquired, I assure you, and our "palate" matures and expands over time. So, look at it as a now thing, and not a forever thing.

---------- Post added 04-15-2010 at 08:47 AM ----------

To Plotthickens: Can you just give me an example phrase? I'm not sure I want to open something like that without knowing what it is. I am basically G or PG rated in my movie preferences.

[plotthickens]

To Plotthickens: Can you just give me an example phrase? I'm not sure I want to open something like that without knowing what it is. I am basically G or PG rated in my movie preferences.


You have the best damn titties in the whole world. They are utterly luscious.
I love your magnificent cock.
You're fucking me so hard I can feel you in my throat.
I cum from just your kisses.
Please do that thing in my ass with your tongue again, swirling it around, it makes my toes curl.
Dirty talk = anything X-rated that get you and/or your partner hot. On the crazier end of it, it can involve calling names like bitch, slut, bastard, etc (of either/any party).

[Remote Viewer]

Because I was once with a guy who thought the clit was like a button and he could keep pushing to get the desired result and when I explained I'm not a push button girl but a counter clockwise one he became offended and informed me he didn't need directions on how to please a woman. I explained that if he wanted to please this woman he needed directions but that since he wasn't open to suggestions he could leave.

Oh my gosh, the guy is hopeless. He's getting real time feedback from you and he can't simply conform and please you? Maybe he's paranoid about being submissive; threatens his manhood or something? Ugh! People!

[nowt]

Senseless, sensible, sensational-- be[come]ing aware of the other, is ever key.

[Vermillion]

Communication is good but sometimes its better when it happens outside of sex. I mean one time a chick was like "Put it in my ass!" and I was happy to oblige but for particularly freaky or subtle things that may not be as specific, the heat of the moment may not be the best time to talk about it.

[ms infp]

Problem: Something hurts
Bad:"Ouch! Stop that!"
Good: Physically remedying the problem with a smooth move
Better: "Ooo, could you kiss me here?"


Works well for me in almost all cases. "Almost" being the operative word. Sometimes they just don't get the hint, and you have to be a little direct. But nicely, of course. :)

I'd also like to underscore what ctclough said, that new tastes can be acquired. There are things I never thought I'd do, but now I wouldn't do without. ;)

Okay, I just read the samples of dirty talk. LMFAO!!!

[plotthickens]

Works well for me in almost all cases. "Almost" being the operative word. Sometimes they just don't get the hint, and you have to be a little direct. But nicely, of course. :)

I'd also like to underscore what ctclough said, that new tastes can be acquired. There are things I never thought I'd do, but now I wouldn't do without. ;)

Okay, I just read the samples of dirty talk. LMFAO!!!

Yeah, those are hilarious without context, aren't they?

Something else I just thought of. Making happy moans, sighs, etc when they do what you like, and going silent when they don't. That kind of feedback is like a "hot/cold game" barometer, so your partner knows what does and is not working... and it's less direct than actual words.