Letting go

[malefide]

I seem to have a difficult time letting things go. Anything from plans/ideas that I had made that just aren't going to work out anymore, from failing relationships that lasted for years but went suddenly sour, to what others might consider minor details like a mistake on an otherwise perfect exam at school--it's very difficult for me to a. stop thinking about it and b. stop worrying about it.

I can't let go of things unless I consciously force myself, and even then I'm uncomfortable about it. I am uncomfortable letting it go, because something inside me still tells me that it's still worthy of being on my mind somehow, as unhealthy as that usually proves to be.

I have speculated that this may be more of a problem for (I)N(T)Js than for other types. For me I think it has to do with the N--the conception of an ideal or a standard that I think is sufficient--and the J--a desire to follow through to that standard. The J doesn't allow release of these ideals.

Thoughts?

[raconteur213]

I find it harder to let go of personal mistakes in my work or schooling, then I do to let go of relationships with friends, lovers or workers.

[Homini Lupus]

I tried to adopt the "if it's gone wrong, that's because I wanted it so" attitude I learned from "thus spoke Zarathustra". It doesn't universally work and needs some "double thinking" but sometimes works for me.

[Solaris]

I do this, and I'm no closer to solving it than you. The best I can offer here is a misery loves company sort of ideational understanding.

[Zilal]

Yeah, I can be pretty tenacious with some things. I do find it possible to let stuff go though. I just have to decide that I want to let it go more than I want to hold onto it, heh.

[sriv]

I used to do that, but these days I have lost my motivation for getting perfect grades so I settle with A-'s. If I have motivation for something and I fail, I cannot stop thinking about it like you said.

[Alpha Prime]

I seem to have a difficult time letting things go. Anything from plans/ideas that I had made that just aren't going to work out anymore, from failing relationships that lasted for years but went suddenly sour, to what others might consider minor details like a mistake on an otherwise perfect exam at school--it's very difficult for me to a. stop thinking about it and b. stop worrying about it.

I can't let go of things unless I consciously force myself, and even then I'm uncomfortable about it. I am uncomfortable letting it go, because something inside me still tells me that it's still worthy of being on my mind somehow, as unhealthy as that usually proves to be.

I have speculated that this may be more of a problem for (I)N(T)Js than for other types. For me I think it has to do with the N--the conception of an ideal or a standard that I think is sufficient--and the J--a desire to follow through to that standard. The J doesn't allow release of these ideals.

Thoughts?

"Wherever there is attachment
Association with it
Brings endless misery".

Gampopa
1079-1153, Tibetan Physician, Buddhist Patriarch


You are attaching too much value to your ideas. Ditch the fear inside you, and explore what can be gained, instead of lost.

[PRBori]

Hmm...

Depending on the situation I can get attached and sometimes do not want to let go...

Right now I'm attached to someone I care for... my feelings and his differ a little, but we have a mutual understanding..

Work related, well I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I was unable to finish my plan, but at the same time I'm looking forwards to the next challenge...

All in all I value my ideas and some people but I try not to let it get to me for I need to be focus and make sure I stand on my feet to take care of the kids...

I rather focus on my life goals and my kids than break my head on specifics... although my brain can stay analyzing over and over things, I have the ability to set it straight and focus...

If I don't focus my plans will fail and my kids will suffer the consequences... but I think that's a parents instinct. A single person do not have to worry about anyone but themselves so is much easier to get entangle in a situation where you don't want to ever let go which would make it harder to really focus...

[deicruxified]

i just realize that i find it hard to let go because i just gloss over things and forget than accept and forget. i noticed that whenever i pulled myself out of a rut (relationships, work, etc) i easily zone out or i already have some other things to busy myself with to forget the issue. i often tell it's ok when in the long run i would remember then brood about it for some time.

i have to admit, this is my waterloo

[bubbles]

I think it is the J that makes letting go hard. Sometimes you just have to move on and focus on the present. Focus on the present and what can be done rather than something that can no longer be changed. I have trouble with this too. Maybe you need to do relaxing activities (perhaps athletic activities like swimming, tennis, or yoga) to clear your mind and stop thinking about the past.

[Blacklustre King]

I do not and without a second glance I have relieved myself of even family ties.

[Santana28]

Definitely. Especially relationships, oddly enough.

Its not so much that i am tortured about what i *did* - it is that i'm tortured by what i *should* have done. obviously, i made the best decision i could at the time with the information i had... i trust myself that way. But after the fact, i hate seeing what i could have done better.

And more than that - i tend to dwell on the uncontrollable actions of other people towards me. i want to *do* something and *fix* it - and in some situations there is simply nothing left for me to do, other than dwell on it. its awful.

[Blacklustre King]

I've done a good job with suppressing and destroying those feelings. Suppose I got numb to it after about 15 years of feeling that way almost all of the time.

[Myrak]

I used to obsess over what went wrong and what I could've done, but in the last few months or so I've just given up on that. Too much effort.

[blue tie]

You and me both, buddy. I hate it when things go wrong and I always focus on the negatives. Like there goes my perfect track record. I'm still dealing with it, but at some point, I recognized that certain things were eating away at me.

So I solved it with logic. If the retention of these thoughts is detrimental to my well being, then it isn't worth keeping them around. Done.

I still think about ALL things... It's just not as prevalent. And definitely not as stressful. Only a little stressful. :)

[sriv]

I like to think about the unwillingness to let go as constructive because you will definitely do better the next time in the same situation. If you think of it as a learning experience letting go is a lot easier to deal with.

[DeafEars]

I also have hard times letting go.. specially when i failed :(