Social misfits

[nyshygirl71]

Please be merciful to me if this has been discussed already. If it has please include a link so I can check it out.

Anyway, I was wondering how many of us consider/ed themselves social misfits as adults. What I mean is as a child I was very shy and withdrawn. Right now as a woman in her mid 30s I would consider myself shy to the point of hostility and overly withdrawn avoiding social situations at virtually all costs. This is a culmination of years of not feeling adequate because I felt I was so different than everyone else around me. I am not a gossip. I like to discuss feelings and things that dig deeper than shallow waters and as a result I guess most would consider me boring. As a result I've pretty much given up on trying to start friendships or even gain acquaintances for that matter. Can anyone relate? And for those of you who may have been like this and have overcome please share your stories. You'd sure be an encouragement to me right now. Anyway, I am about to leave work and will log on later. Look forward to hearing your answers. :)

[deepFlow]

Oh, I am a total social misfit. Also in my mid-30s. In certain ways it has gotten better since painful adolescence, ... and in other ways it seems that the only difference is that I have more elaborate rationalizations for why I don't interact with other people more.

I just wish I could truly relax and not care anymore. Just be my complete self no matter where I am, and around whom. Perhaps I feel that my true complete self is something that would not get along very well with most others. Perhaps I feel I would be obnoxious, hyper, always trying to be funny (and seldom succeeding), always making a fool of myself, being annoying, insufferable, etc etc etc. ...Like I say, it would be cool to not care... beyond a certain point. Because certainly, if I did not care about being around other people, I could consider my problem pre-solved.

I care too infinitely much.

[pallasathena]

Your post was very moving. May I suggest a book to you? I am currently reading, YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay. She had some issues growing up too. There may be something in there to inspire you. Hang in there. :)

[pinkroger]

I have had that problem, but overcame by realizing that, an an INTJ, I am better than them. If they weren't good enough to accept me in the first place, I must be better than them, so why would I want to be around them anyway? So I found other INTJ's and we became friends. I find that most like minded people understand these problems because to a certain extent, they have had the same problems, and are just as relieved as you are. As for caring too much, I simply don't do that. I used to have to remind my mother (an ISFJ), to not care about people, because she would get too involved with people and in the end it would hurt her. So just don't care about other's feelings, pretend they don't have any. If they aren't interested in you, then you're better than them, and shouldn't waste you time with them anyway. In fact, I frequently make people very aware of that even today.

[nyshygirl71]

Oh, I am a total social misfit. Also in my mid-30s. In certain ways it has gotten better since painful adolescence, ... and in other ways it seems that the only difference is that I have more elaborate rationalizations for why I don't interact with other people more.
I just wish I could truly relax and not care anymore. Just be my complete self no matter where I am, and around whom. Perhaps I feel that my true complete self is something that would not get along very well with most others. Perhaps I feel I would be obnoxious, hyper, always trying to be funny (and seldom succeeding), always making a fool of myself, being annoying, insufferable, etc etc etc. ...Like I say, it would be cool to not care... beyond a certain point. Because certainly, if I did not care about being around other people, I could consider my problem pre-solved.

I care too infinitely much.

I definitely understand and can related to the bolded part. "I don't need them. I can do better by myself. If you don't want to get to know me it's your loss and your problem not mine. This isn't going to break me it's going to make me stronger." You know the cliches - LOL!!! Truthfully, once people see you as standoffish they distance themselves and spread the word. That's pretty much my situation right now. But I can't say that I blame them. I try to look at myself through others' eyes and it really does seem that I don't want to be bothered. Most people are not going to go out of their way to pull someone in who doesn't want to be pulled in. You know what? Looking over your entire post I can totally understand what you're talking about. We are ><.

[Tual]

I have had that problem, but overcame by realizing that, an an INTJ, I am better than them. If they weren't good enough to accept me in the first place, I must be better than them, so why would I want to be around them anyway?

So just don't care about other's feelings, pretend they don't have any. If they aren't interested in you, then you're better than them, and shouldn't waste you time with them anyway. In fact, I frequently make people very aware of that even today.

I was a social wreck during adolescence until I came to the same realization as pinkroger. My personal idea about social interaction has become 'fuck them all' if people don't like me they're missing out, not me.

Now I can stand my ground in virtually all social situations however, I still prefer to sit by myself and read a book or play a game.

[nyshygirl71]

Your post was very moving. May I suggest a book to you? I am currently reading, YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay. She had some issues growing up too. There may be something in there to inspire you. Hang in there. :)

Thank you

[Nightelf]

I would join Pinkroger's and Tual's opinion. I don't care if I am looked as a social wreck by others only because I am not searching the company of those people I don't respect/value etc. I think I would deny myself if I would do. Better to be alone.

[DeadSpace]

Always was a misfit, still am. Echoing others who have posted, if someone can see me for who i am, they have a valuable friend, if they can't their loss. The friends i do have, while not many, are long term and valued.
I can and have fit in in various times in my life, took effort, was fun for awhile. Tiring being someone else though, keeping a construct running for most of a day :\ .
From 18 or so on, completely stopped caring what was expected of me. My life, i have to live it, not them. Major realisation was...that most people who look down on someone...have no idea how to run their own lives effectively. Love when someone tries to point out how my lifestyle seems flawed...i'll just list what's wrong with theirs ;D , usually not a short list either. side note, want to see someone actually walk away in a 'huff' do that. hehe All comes down to i'm happy with who i am, not perfect, know my strengths and weaknesses. But i'm in alot better place than anyone who thinks they're perfect, have all the answers, cannot see anything else, can't change, can't adjust, and can't grow beyond their narrow mindset.

[Myrak]

I've always considered myself a 'social misfit', but I learned early on that most people aren't worth associating with anyway. The people I choose to befriend are always people with something valuable to offer to me or just to society in general. It's hard enough to feign being socially normal, might as well gain some decent food for thought from it.

Over time I've just managed to subconsciously work verbal barbs into most things I say to people I just don't wish to talk to. Utilising 'gossip' to my advantage, this coldness spreads and manages to keep most of the sheep out of my way. :)

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Almost 50 years on the planet and still a social misfit. Instead of trying to fit in or change......I've learned to accept it and work within the parameters I've been given. You know, like if I was handicapped (probably being an INTJ makes us handicapped). I feel the sting of rejection regularly, but I also see the occasional admiring glance for my apparent unwillingness to cave into social norms.

[Darkmist]

I know, for me, I get talked about a lot. Does she like him or me, or none of us? Why doesn't she? What's wrong with our constant gatherings that she doesn't attend? She's weird. Is that because of me or is she just like that? How can anyone not like me?

Insecurities to the max and this from my failure to attend all events and to make small talk. Give me a beer or two and everyone wants me. Maybe they're just confused about me. They see me as sociable one moment and antisocial the next, when in truth, I haven't changed, but rather their perception of me has.

Yes, I am the recipient (sp?) of gossip and unwanted attention. Others attempt to analyze me and ultimately fail because they fail to actually get to know me first. It's that damned judging and convictiing without more proof than heresay crap I hate.

[wiccademic]

I am very much a social misfit. I've been told that I stare. I've been told that I talk down to people. I've been told that my gaze is intimidating. I also talk through my nose so my voice has this really annoying nasal sound to it. I've no desire to be around the general population because for the most part they make me sick. I have a few close friends that I consider worthy of my time and attention and this is how it has always been for me. I never understood why until I found out that INTJ's only make up 1 percent of the population and it was like a big neon sign lit up for me. Eureka!! That explains it!!! No wonder!!! So nowadays I just revel in who I am and while sometimes it bugs me that people don't like me (like my g/f's friends. This makes socializing with them very tedious) I tend to not care what people think. They're all just sheep anyway.

[nyshygirl71]

I know, for me, I get talked about a lot. Does she like him or me, or none of us? Why doesn't she? What's wrong with our constant gatherings that she doesn't attend? She's weird. Is that because of me or is she just like that? How can anyone not like me?

Insecurities to the max and this from my failure to attend all events and to make small talk. Give me a beer or two and everyone wants me. Maybe they're just confused about me. They see me as sociable one moment and antisocial the next, when in truth, I haven't changed, but rather their perception of me has.

Yes, I am the recipient (sp?) of gossip and unwanted attention. Others attempt to analyze me and ultimately fail because they fail to actually get to know me first. It's that damned judging and convictiing without more proof than heresay crap I hate.

For the most part, I can completely understand where you're coming from and I go through the same things. However, where you say it is not you that has changed but their perception of you, this is where we differ. I do change (not bipolar). There are just days or even moments throughout the day when I feel so insecure and paranoid that it makes it hard for me to communicate easily with others.

[bebegirl]

No I would not consider myself a social misfit as an adult but it is certainly easier to socialize now than when I was younger (like in high school)...now I would describe myself as socially "careful" and I find (humourously) that many people think they "know" me when really they don't have much of a clue. As an adult I am finding that I would like to have more friendships and have to actively make myself be more open to them, but the relationships I have are good ones (or I let them go) and I still don't need very many....