Speak Softly and Carry A Big Stick

[Haphazard]

I have a problem with not being heard. Either I speak very softly or people just don't want to listen to me -- likely both. I don't like to talk, but it seems that most of the time when I try to say something, it's not heard and I have to repeat myself, and we all know how much INTJs hate repeating themselves.

Because I speak quietly and don't talk all the time, people mistake me for being shy. When I am trying to get attention, I rarely ever get it, or worse, it's given just enough attention to be glossed over.

When I have something to say, it's relevant and usually important. Should I get a polearm to drive home this fact when I need it? How does somebody get the attention of people when the people would rather have the attention themselves?

[Homini Lupus]

I generally start speaking with a fairly loud "Gentlemen....".

I hate speaking loud but I have to do it. Also, I'm a male with quite a natural strong voice. Given this I'm often ignored too. I guess this is because I can't understand the more subtle laws of when to speak and when to shut up.

[md21017md]

Haphazzard, are you a male or female? How old are you? Is this an issue all the time - professionally, or socially? Or, do you care specifically which?

This is probably a hard one. I being the super extrovert, I can be know for talking over people, especially wiht a bunch of friends drinking, my sister is even worse. This drives my INTJ best friend crazy, but he adapts, as do I by realizing I am doing so. The only way to really ensure you are heard and get a word in edge wise? Hmmm probably watch the group of people you are with. There will always be one or two that and the talkers, so right off the bat, don't try to compete with them. Maybe something to get the attention focused on you before you speak. It's a bit cliche, but maybe makes the point, a good loud cough to try to pull the focus then speak. Obviously you can't cough everytime you want to talk, but use the idea as an example; what can you do to get people to focus on you?

The obvious answer, you need to learn or force youself to speak louder or at least with more authority - I know easy to say isn't it?

[Haphazard]

Haphazzard, are you a male or female? How old are you? Is this an issue all the time - professionally, or socially? Or, do you care specifically which?

This is probably a hard one. I being the super extrovert, I can be know for talking over people, especially wiht a bunch of friends drinking, my sister is even worse. This drives my INTJ best friend crazy, but he adapts, as do I by realizing I am doing so. The only way to really ensure you are heard and get a word in edge wise? Hmmm probably watch the group of people you are with. There will always be one or two that and the talkers, so right off the bat, don't try to compete with them. Maybe something to get the attention focused on you before you speak. It's a bit cliche, but maybe makes the point, a good loud cough to try to pull the focus then speak. Obviously you can't cough everytime you want to talk, but use the idea as an example; what can you do to get people to focus on you?

The obvious answer, you need to learn or force youself to speak louder or at least with more authority - I know easy to say isn't it?

I'm a fifteen-year-old girl. I am constantly talked over by my family -- my friends are a bit better, but nobody can choose their families. 'Professionally' -- as in, school -- is mostly fine for the 'learning' parts but with other students I'm terrible. The only thing that gets me listened to at all is that I have a reputation for being 'smart' at school.

With my family, a talk 'with' me turns into a talk 'at' me in nothing flat. With certain teachers, I think it might be a mutual respect issue, because they have a lot of students to handle and decide not to listen to them as individuals. Again, at school, with peers, the only thing that gets me any speaking time at all is that I have a reputation for being 'smart' so I'm usually listened to for academics, but otherwise I'm ignored, and even then when it comes to academics, I'm usually heard out halfway through until the rest of the people in the group decide they have a 'better idea' which fails three-quarters of the way done because they failed to understand the assignment or materials.

I know what I'm doing, I just have a very hard time getting through to people. I need an extroverted buddy.

[TheLastMohican]

It makes a big difference whether the other people care about what you are saying. The only way you can affect that is to say a lot of profound things that people feel they had better be listening to. ;)

What I do: I prefer not to repeat myself, because my view is that if you interrupt me, then you have no right to hear what I was saying. Therefore, when I am dealing with equals, I will not react to their interruptions. I will not stop talking, and I will not raise my voice. I will continue to speak as I was already doing, and finish what I had to say, and consider it said. The person is still responsible for knowing what I said, since it was entirely his fault if he chose not to.

That does not work with authority figures, however. They will hear that you are talking while they are talking, and then accuse you of interrupting them. When they make such an obviously false claim, then you know they are not being fair or reasonable, just abusing their authority to pretend they are infallible specimens. There is no reasoning with a person who is in that mode.

Frankly, if someone just wants to listen to himself, there is no way to convince him otherwise, unless you can become one of those authority figures who thinks that it is fair to go around interrupting everyone else, and that they have to wait for him to finish. People will be jerks sometimes.

[yondyr]

I'm afraid I agree, there's little you can do with mannerless people, short of violence. Ideally, discussions/conversations should be 50/50. Half listening, half talking, unless you're being instructed. Rise above, you're smart and they lose by not having your input.

[zibber]

Oh, I know what you mean. I generally don't care enough about sharing my thoughts to really make an effort to be heard, but sometimes you're just forced to. I went on a holiday with my girlfriend and NINETEEN members of her family, and game nights were unimaginably exhausting to me. We played this word game, in two teams, where each team would alternately get read a category and have to think of a word/name/title starting with a letter chosen in advance. I'm great at trivia games like that, but I had a really hard time making myself heard. I remember the category being airports starting with L and just saying LAX, LAX, LAX over and over, and nobody even acknowledging it. Things got progressively better throughout the week, but I think a lot of that depended on the people being willing to listen. In study groups with one or two dominant extraverted personalities, forget about it. I don't even try. I just try my best to make sure I have something to work on by myself, and generally make little effort to even get it to congrue with what the others come up with. If the group fails as a result of the dominant people sucking (I hesitate to use that word on here), I'm apathetic.

[SeaCzar]

Try saying "you're not listening" a bit louder than you would have otherwise when you feel you're being ignored. This usually works for me, as it quiets everyone else down so that I can get my point across. Regardless of your sex, age, etc, its just plain rude for others to ignore or talk over you.

[raconteur213]

I have a problem with not being heard. Either I speak very softly or people just don't want to listen to me -- likely both. I don't like to talk, but it seems that most of the time when I try to say something, it's not heard and I have to repeat myself, and we all know how much INTJs hate repeating themselves.

Because I speak quietly and don't talk all the time, people mistake me for being shy. When I am trying to get attention, I rarely ever get it, or worse, it's given just enough attention to be glossed over.

When I have something to say, it's relevant and usually important. Should I get a polearm to drive home this fact when I need it? How does somebody get the attention of people when the people would rather have the attention themselves?

This is common. One of the most important skills you can develop is your ability to read people and react accordingly. Most people you have to deal with on a daily basis are simple. They try to make up for their simplicity with drama and outlandish attempts at logic.

When you interject, they talk over you to regain dominance. You have to read their weaknesses and pick your spots. It is a skill, but when you master it, you weild a very persuasive "Polearm". Then you become less of a "Enigmatic wallflower" and more of an influence.

[malefide]

I have a problem with this. I usually don't say anything in a group setting unless I *have* something real to say, but I tend to speak softly, so people just verbally mow over me and often totally ignore me. I think it's pretty rude. But then, if I try to raise my voice (not yelling, but just louder than usual) people get all bent out of shape and say things like, "Oh my god, why are you being so loud!?" when in reality I'm still speaking more quietly than they usually do. People are rude who ignore soft-spoken people and assume that they're "shy" just because they're quiet. They are rude not to give us the respect we deserve. The thing I find works sometimes (note: sometimes) is to project your voice without being too loud and firmly say, "Please listen to what I am saying." Also look them in the eye when you say this, if possible. I find that when I really LOOK at people, they tend to stop and listen a little better.

Good luck. :>

[yondyr]

I don't mean to be rude, malefide, but how many guys would preface their comment with...'Please listen to what I'm saying'

[AgentofGaming]

I speak quietly too, and yes I hate repeating.

Usually if I need to say something and the person is within the vicinity I'll just say it. If they aren't paying attention I'll wait till they are and if I forget that's too bad because often what I have to say is to their benefit not mine. Therefore I will not goto the extent of trying to procure their attention, if they're not going to listen too bad for them.

[Jgib5328]

I don't have the same problem as you, as a matter of fact it's quite the opposite. I was blessed with a really deep resonating voice. When I speak, it is usually heard from far away. The problem is that because my voice resonates, others perceive it as being louder than I perceive it, so people tell my I talk too loudly sometimes, especially when I get excited. And since my voice is really deep, people tend to listen to me, I guess it's a evolutionary thing or something.

My advice to you, is to talk forcefully. I absolutely hate when people speak softly, I instantly see them as being timid. You have to speak with authority if you want people to listen, otherwise they will lose respect for you.

[tazmaniantigres]

This happens to me a lot. . . well it used to. Now I very carefully evaluate what I want to say before I think about speaking. Usually by the time I'm ready to talk, the moment has passed and the general conversation has moved to a different topic. Problem solved.

[Blacklustre King]

I just carry a big stick everywhere I go, that or a sword depending on the law enforcement in the area. I' am not above cracking a few skulls for reasons obvious to the observer. I've never been a very audible person so I prefer to just teach them a physical lesson. Without uttering a word I put a swift end to conversation.

[malefide]

I don't mean to be rude, malefide, but how many guys would preface their comment with...'Please listen to what I'm saying'

I guess you could always be rather impolite and say, "Shut up and listen," or something similar.

[TheLastMohican]

I guess you could always be rather impolite and say, "Shut up and listen," or something similar.

Or, when someone interrupts, you could get in his face and yell, "I'm talkin' here! I'm talkin' here!"

[malefide]

Or, when someone interrupts, you could get in his face and yell, "I'm talkin' here! I'm talkin' here!"

That too. People who interrupt me frequently generally lose a good dose of whatever respect I had for them, so I don't mind being rude, but sometimes it causes problems within the group. But--assertive =/= rude.

[Antares]

I don't say 'shut up and listen'. When they start rambling while I'm talking, I stare at the ceiling and zone out. If they stop to inquire why I wasn't listening, I'd tell them exactly what they did, and that whatever goes on in my head is always more interesting. I speak very quietly, but I think the way I speak demands attention or something. Most of the time when we're not joking around, I speak in a cold, even voice that is sometimes taunting and antagonistic.

[ElstonGunn]

I don't mean to be rude, malefide, but how many guys would preface their comment with...'Please listen to what I'm saying'

Yeah, that would be kind of a weird thing to say. But I think that might also be why it would be attention-getting. If I heard someone say that, I'd probably stop and think to myself, "What the hell?" Then, while I'm trying to figure out if I heard that correctly, whoever said it could get their comment in.

[TheLastMohican]

I don't say 'shut up and listen'. When they start rambling while I'm talking, I stare at the ceiling and zone out. If they stop to inquire why I wasn't listening, I'd tell them exactly what they did, and that whatever goes on in my head is always more interesting. I speak very quietly, but I think the way I speak demands attention or something. Most of the time when we're not joking around, I speak in a cold, even voice that is sometimes taunting and antagonistic.

I tend to be more vocally expressive when I speak (I emphasize certain words to get my point across). However, I also tend not to speak very loudly. I can, but I prefer to speak at a normal level, because I think exaggerated speaking (loud or soft) compromises the importance of the words themselves. It is much harder to understand a person's annunciation when he is screaming.

In a way, I think yelling over somebody is below my dignity.





TheLastMohican added to this post, 1 minutes and 36 seconds later...

That too. People who interrupt me frequently generally lose a good dose of whatever respect I had for them, so I don't mind being rude, but sometimes it causes problems within the group. But--assertive =/= rude.

It was actually a joke (a play on the movie line).

I wish more people understood that concept you just stated.

[ElstonGunn]

It was actually a joke (a play on the movie line).

Hey, I got it. If you actually did that in a conversation, hopefully the person who interrupted you would also get the joke. Otherwise, you'd seem pretty rude, too.

[TheLastMohican]

Hey, I got it. If you actually did that in a conversation, hopefully the person who interrupted you would also get the joke. Otherwise, you'd seem pretty rude, too.

Oh, okay. It just sounding to me like you were taking it seriously.

[sam988]

I'm lucky to have been blessed with a strong voice. Kinda hard for people not to listen to me when i'm speaking (it is sometimes a problem since i'm overheard and some things that i say i would really not like to be overheard).

But, haphazard, i think if i was in your case and someone didn't want to listen to me i wouldn't care. That's the person's problem and i would not speak to the person anymore than i would eventually need to.

As for solving the soft speaking problem, i really don't know, maybe if you came a bit closer to the person you're talking to and maintained deep eye contact with her so that you catch the person's attention or something like that?

[PortInStorm]

I leave if they're not paying attention

[Haphazard]

I leave if they're not paying attention

I can't exactly leave. It's not possible. At the moment I'm tied down because these are the people that pay for my room and food. I'm not yet independent so I have to learn how to live with them, no matter how much I'd rather not.

[hidden]

I sing a lot so I have a very powerful voice as well. Although I don't verbally say as much, when I do speak, sometimes I am told that I need to lower my voice.

[PortInStorm]

I can't exactly leave. It's not possible. At the moment I'm tied down because these are the people that pay for my room and food. I'm not yet independent so I have to learn how to live with them, no matter how much I'd rather not.
Sure, I understand. Just stating a personal strategy I use whenever I can.

[ethsar46]

I have a habit of mumbling sometimes when i talk.

Personally if you really want to be heard you need to be more assertive when you talk. Now im not saying tell whoever your talking too to shut the hell up or anything (although that might work ^_^). You just need to train yourself to speak up at first when you wanna be heard so you can get their attention.

Once you build up that assertiveness and confidence when you speak, which shouldnt be too hard being a INTJ you wont get this problem IMO.

[RedOwen333]

Exactly - assertive is what you want to be. Just up the volume by a small amount, not too much.

A quote from American Gangster - "The loudest man in the room is the weakest".





RedOwen333 added to this post, 1 minutes and 47 seconds later...

By the way, the title of your thread is the answer - people need to see the 'stick' in order to respect you - but if you hit them with it they'll run away.

[TheLastMohican]

A quote from American Gangster - "The loudest man in the room is the weakest".


That defines my preference to remain even. I am surprised that many other people seem to think that shouting your points makes them bigger or better.

[acyckowski]

A lot of good tips on getting yourself listened to, I don't have anything to add in that respect.

I would recommend you read Carnegie's classic, "How to win friends and influence people." The relevant bit to your situation is the idea that most people really only care what they have to say. The better you listen, the better a conversationalist they think you to be. Counterintuitive, maybe, but pretty true nonetheless. I wish I could tell you better news about human nature, but one of my greatest frustrations--along with many of the folks here--is that even when people shut up and let me speak, they still don't really listen.

[Snowdragon]

I have a problem with not being heard. Either I speak very softly or people just don't want to listen to me -- likely both. I don't like to talk, but it seems that most of the time when I try to say something, it's not heard and I have to repeat myself, and we all know how much INTJs hate repeating themselves.

I have the same issues. I have a problem voicing my opinion in a discussion (even though I am vocal about these things as an ENTP). It's like talking over a hen-house (filled with ESxxs). By the time I get a chance to speak, the topic changes.

[Uytuun]

I know what you mean...I speak softly and tend to comment more than converse. Which means that it's very hard for me to keep the attention of an audience in day-to-day situations, mostly because I'm absolutely not convinced of the relevance of what I'm saying to the other people. It's much less of an issue in school situations.

[seoa]

ok, so i am the enfp who speaks over all you Is during group discussions.... i can't help myself... i think-as-i-speak... i truly don't understand people who want to think through what they're about to say before they start talking....

the only thing that contains me is personal relationship with you quiet, wise ones, so that i can tell by body language that you're getting-ready-to-speak, and i know that i have to make space in the conversation or lose what is coming.... well, that, and someone saying "ok, are you gonna let me talk now"... sometimes that is what's needed....

but it's not that i don't respect you... it's just that your personal preference for conversational etiquette is not mine... and if i'm in a group of Es, we'll all talk around & about each other, and it's just not a problem.... i just get carried away with my enthusiasm, so much so that i join in the conversation before the other person has completed their thought....

possible solutions? build personal relationships outside of the group... i had a lady working for me once who was lacking in confidence in meetings, and couldn't get listened to... we talked it through, and the solution for her was to get the attention of the meeting's "chair" (via body-language - making eye contact, waving if necessary) and indicate a desire to speak.... a good chair will then make sure the person gets heard, even if it's done via a literal "ok, X has something to say now"... for her, once she got the experience of being listened to, and learnt how to use body language to get the attention of the whole group, rather than just the chair, she increased her confidence to the point where she started chairing meetings herself...

and that's the other thing i have to say... a lot of this is about assertive body-language, as much as about voice (volume etc)... there are some basic tips for getting heard, like leaning forward at the table... the more you move your position, the more attention you'll get from the rest of the room - and leaning "in" gives you more positive energy... if you're bored & disengaging from the conversation, your automatic body language would be to lean back, maybe cross your arms, close in on yourself.. do the opposite if you want to get listened to... if you're already leaning in, in an open & engaged manner, then do something else... shuffle some papers (in an important kinda way).... pick up your pen & fiddle with it.... do something that makes eyes turn to you.... (and if you don't want eyes turning to you, then question whether you really want to say something....!! :laugh:)

[NephilimAzrael]

Your title reminded me of two Dawn of War quotes:
1. "Walk softly and carry a big gun"
and
2. "Knowledge is power, guard it wisely"

The relevance of these to your post is simply that, your hush being construed for shyness and the significance of what you wish to say, carry a sense of efficient stealth. This perhaps can be used with a charisma if you assert yourself with presence rather than outright attention-centering (clearing throat, loud opening statement etc.)

What may help is that you hold a "thousand-yard stare" on proceedings as they unfold and stay relatively still when others banter around you.

When you wish to speak, rise yourself slowly, and use any available corners/angles to accentuate your stature change. This is a psychological trick because it emphasizes your movements whilst accentuating your posture/alters foreground. -(Walking softly)

Stare down the individual who's opinions contrast with your own and clearly and definitely annunciate your opening statement. (carrying a big gun)

With this, your voice should rise with the first major point, and continue to be level. When you have stated the initial point/case, allow for a seconds pause before asking an open question which lowers the volume of your voice toward the end. (guarding your knowledge wisely)

Try this a few times and adjust your positioning to best suit your presence in the group (if you are in a group of 4 or more). Hold your posture well at all times.

[Cicatrix]

I just want to throw something in here too. I hate straining to hear people that speak too softly. Ill throw in a "pardon" or "I can't hear you" once or maximum twice but if the volume doesn't increase then I just give up. I don't see the point of nodding along to something you can't hear - especially if you have told the other person you can't hear them.

Haphazard I know its probably frustrating when you percieve people are not listening to you but its terribly frustrating to your "audience" if you are not speaking loud enough.

The only other situation where I would ignore someone is when someone attempts to speak to me one-on-one when I am participating in a group discussion. I don't know if you know the type but when speaking as a group and I am listening to someone talking, this 3rd party (usually someone in the group who can't get everyone to listen to them) gets my attention and starts talking to me at the same time as the person I am listening to. For me there is nothing more annoying.

[Acextreme]

Well, here's what I do if I do need to get people's attention academically. I will interrupt with something profound that requires explaination in order to understand. Well, unless of course they can think like I do, otherwise, they will be dumbfound. Once that happens, I will proceed to explaining what I mean by that statement and there, I get everyone's attention. But of course, this method works even better when people know you are 'smart', either through your intellectual answers, or being proven through results.

But of course, this method does backfires when you have a group of idiots since they will not understand you and they will then probably think you are an 'idiot', to which I will just disassociate myself from them...since I refuse to have a battle of wits with unarmed people.

[Stargazer]

Some ideas that have helped me:

1. Continue to repeat a persons name if the will not be quiet long enough for you to answer. As the other person is talking and not letting you respond, simply repeat: Susan....Susan....Susan....Susan until they stop talking. Don't get loud, but in the same calm and even voice repeat it.

2. With a rude person who interrupts, I have found the simple statement of "Excuse me, Robert, but I am talking. Please allow me to finish." said in a firm and unquivering tone with a "look of death" get's the point across.

3. If someone's attention begins to wander while you are speaking, stop speaking and completely disengage the person by walking away/turning away/making yourself busy with something else. Ultimately, you want to keep the person's attention on you, but if they are hellbent on distraction, then to hell with them.

4. If you continue to be ignored, stop hanging around the person/people if possible. If they value your company, the will want to know why you have been absent at which time you can explain to them your thoughts on their ignoring you. If they don't come around, then I would say that they are not worthy of your presence.

5. When trying to get attention, say something completely off guard (for example, if you are usually clean spoken, make an uncharacteristic vulgar or disparaging statement) to get them to snap their head around and say "What did you say?" or "Did you say what I thought you just said?" at which time you proceed with "Well, I am finally glad you have graced me with your undivided attention. My thoughts are..."

Overall, assertiveness is the key. Be assertive when gaining the ability to speak and do not lose it before you have completed your statement. There should rarely be any need to shout or yell.

[Acextreme]

Hmmm, I don't think being too assertive is a good idea though. But at times, I do get assertive and when INTJs in general becomes assertive, people think we are arrogant. Not that we really care too much but if you don't want to be branded as such, then maybe other solutions might be better? Just my 2 cents...