Employers, teachers etc. clinging to you

[Zilal]

I'm sure we've all dealt at some point with romantic partners (or people who wished to be partners) clinging to us, and know the behavior. This is a different version. For some reason I seem to behave in a way (showing up on time, caring what kind of job I do, listening) that has caused several employers or teachers to lean over-heavily on my presence.

The worst was a martial arts teacher I had who was struggling to retain students. I was committed and hardworking and paid my dues and helped out and was apparently what he thought he needed in order to keep the business going. When I talked about leaving he started to become manipulative, doing and saying whatever he could think of to get me to stay. It was intensely frustrating.

I have had employers talk about me as if they'd never seen somebody who showed up on time every day and could follow directions before. I am like God's gift to employers all of a sudden. Suddenly all the problems with the business--failing sales, poor employee motivation, bad business plan--can be solved, as long as they have me! This leads to their asking generally inappropriate contributions from me and my eventual leaving.

I am in distress because I'm afraid it's happening again. The person in question--whom I like a great deal and am generally happy to work with--seems to have got it in his head that I'm the only person (in the world!) competent enough to work on this project which is going to rejuvenate his career. Lawdy. I just want to come in, do a good job, get paid and have some days off. I do not want to be anyone's savior.

Does this happen to anyone else? Any idea what behaviors of mine might be contributing to this pattern?

[eternaltriangle]

I was a lifeguard at an apartment swimming pool for my summer job. People would come to me with their problems, fairly often. For instance this one guy had a daughter who was incredibly overweight for her age. She had to wear a boy's swim-suit plus a shirt, because he couldn't find one that fit her. He would be really distressed about how he can't say no to her when she throws tantrums (about not getting chips). Although she was losing weight by swimming a lot.

At the end of the job, some of the residents of the apartment sort of had a party for me. I was flattered, but mostly, I was terrified at the closeness of it all. Also, I ate this pizza one of the moms made for me which was the grossest thing ever... it was pizza crust, tomato sauce and then processed cheese, with cold-cuts on top. I can't stand processed cheese. I could have worked there the following summer, but didn't, because I was afraid of people getting to know me closely.

I suppose I was markedly more competent than the other lifeguard who, one day, decided to quit. She dumped sand in the pool, and just left, leaving the pool open to anybody who could open the gate.

[Santana28]

I'm dealing with it right now actually. One of our supervisors couldn't take the heat and resigned, so there was an opening for Shift Lieutenant. Basically, only myself and 2 other candidates would even have a shot at getting it due to actual experience and time on the job and the relative newness of the others on shift. While i was almost 100% certain that i would not get the position if i put in for it, the other two were constantly following me around "so, did you put in for it yet? did you?" as if they expected me to do so. As far as knowledge of the position and competence, i beat them hands down. However, i chose not to put in for the lousy $1 raise and 80 hour work week because unlike most of the employees there, i have a family to attend to. So one of them made Lieutenant. Since that point - he makes sure to hang around me at all time. I'm always in dispatch with him, or when i am out on patrol he goes with me. "How should i do this? How do i do this? What do you think about this? Why do you think she does this?" etc etc etc. The questions never end! The sad thing is, this person was PREVIOUSLY a supervisor several years back and left and came back, and he SHOULD KNOW the things he's asking me. I turned around on him one day and said bluntly "why are you asking me this? shouldn't you know this? you're the supervisor not me!"

Of course, its nice i suppose that someone respects my opinion. But when it comes to crucial personnel decisions... i'm not exactly comfortable and i draw the line. But its also fun chewing out idiot employees with a 100% free pass from the supervisor. hehe.

[MichaelH]

The answer to your question is comes straight from a very INTJ attitue:

I just want to come in, do a good job, ...

A lot of people don't give a damn whether they do a good job. Employers have to find ways to motivate them into doing what they're supposed to. I work in an educational institution that has 8-week sessions. I've heard of instructors not grading papers until week 5 of 8! Think about other places you've interacted with people. Did the pizza clerk on the phone sound like they gave a damn if your order was right? Does the sales clerk at the department sigh when you ask if something's in stock? These are the kinds of people employers have to make do with, because there simply aren't enough "good" employees to go around. I know of organizations whose middle management is almost entirely incompetent, but people get promoted because of who they know. Imagine being the CEO of that company, and trying to get anything done, let alone changed!

I have had employers talk about me as if they'd never seen somebody who showed up on time every day and could follow directions before.

Following written directions is a problem for a lot of people. I will hand something to my students with clearly written instructions: do A, then do B, then do C. They will do A and C and wonder why it doesn't work. Have you noticed how cooking directions are getting even simpler for packaged food? There's a reason for that.

In short, it's possible you ARE the only employee they know of who follows direction and does a good job. Employers sound desperate because they desperately need good employees! Annoying as it is, it's also the highest compliment they can pay you.

Congratulations. I think. :)

[myhandlewontfit]

I'm so relieved to not be the only one, I think people do this because we keep our cool, and generally know what needs to be done.

[Katie]

Following written directions is a problem for a lot of people. I will hand something to my students with clearly written instructions: do A, then do B, then do C. They will do A and C and wonder why it doesn't work.

My dyslexic son cannot sequence. He does very well to perform A, C, and B ... but often B must be reminded due to severe distraction. On the other hand, his 3-dimensional gifts are amazing, as he looks at everything and performs everything from that perspective. He has a great work ethic, but trains more slowly due to the sequential nature of training, but is also the one who jumps in to fix a machine he's never seen before.

[Santana28]

My dyslexic son cannot sequence. He does very well to perform A, C, and B ... but often B must be reminded due to severe distraction. On the other hand, his 3-dimensional gifts are amazing, as he looks at everything and performs everything from that perspective. He has a great work ethic, but trains more slowly due to the sequential nature of training, but is also the one who jumps in to fix a machine he's never seen before.

sounds like me. i've always wondered if i'm dyslexic... i have a very difficult time reading because i am constantly jumping ahead and missing things... i process information very quickly and retain it easily, but reading has always been difficult for some reason. my INTJ father is very dyslexic. he was in learning disabled classed during most of his childhood... despite his, well... brilliance. its a sore spot for him he has never been able to get over.

[MichaelH]

Not to derail the thread, but:


My dyslexic son cannot sequence.<snip>On the other hand, his 3-dimensional gifts are amazing,

my INTJ father is very dyslexic. he was in learning disabled classed during most of his childhood... despite his, well... brilliance

I sympathize with both sides on this one. As instructors, we have to deal with things that work for most of the class, and get no training how to really help with dyslexia. (How did your son learn his ABCs in order, for example?)

I wish I could source the quote, but it was someone on-line who made the comment (paraphrased): "They couldn't figure out how to teach me, so they gave up and labeled me learning-disabled." I think it's a failing of our educational system that we can't help dyslexics more.

As for their brilliance, check out this article: dyslexics are more likely to be entrepreneurs, be good at oral communication and delegation, and can manage more staff as a result of good delegation.

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[Katie]

As instructors, we have to deal with things that work for most of the class, and get no training how to really help with dyslexia. (How did your son learn his ABCs in order, for example?)

LOL - I've been able to maintain complex filing systems and quickly alphabetize long lists of data for years but still have to recite parts of that 26-letter sequence to myself. Like many, the toddler ABC song is what carries them "past" the educator's goals. I realized he was having a really difficult time when I saw past this well into 3rd or 4th grade. Incidentally, the developmental aspect is huge ... right about the end of 4th grade, these kids develop their abilities in reading a bit more. Some were "beaten" into it at that age, others were not, but my son was stuck at the 2nd-grade level even using one of the "best" 90-minutes/day programs until he asked the tester to test him at the 5th grade level. She did, he passed, and was willing to go backward to complete the in-betweens for her to satisfy the State :D





Katie added to this post, 4 minutes and 35 seconds later...

To the originally posted topic, these learning differences also come into play in the workplace. Some people have a natural affinity for doing things right the first time, remaining cognizant of time, sensing what direction to turn (I'm directionally dyslexic and totally rely upon maps, in-car compass, and memory), etc. Sensing the differences by observing a good employee's better and error performances allows a good supervisor the insight as to how to meet this end-user's needs so he/she can be more productive.