Ruddiga
03-19-2008, 06:35 PM
I feel that it may be important to provide some information. I am 24. Paranoid and basically devoid from most normality of reality. I have two young children who are my total life. I spent 7 years in the military obeying every command. I have reason to believe that I may be of a INTJ personality which I have only just discovered through research (which I believe is of an INTJ trait, to search for closure). It is why I am here, to ask for help for that closure.
Two years ago I had a drug induced very violent seizure which has left me in a bad state in terms of my upper body. The drugs were painkillers and anti-depressants, both prescribed after reconstructive surgery. This is hard for me to explain, but I believe that this seizure 'unlocked' certain anomalies within my brain.
For example, prior to my seizure my only concerns were friends, booze and women. I was young, earning good money as I had a government paying job and was bullet proof, but never aggressive or better than others. Now, post seizure, I cannot sleep at nights and average only 4 hours a night as I lay awake doing nothing other than dancing to a complex rhythm with my own thoughts. I find it indescribable, the things that I think, utterly fascinating. World economics, politics, poverty, peace, conformity, legacies, hypocrisy, artistic theories even something as ridiculous as non violent world domination and equality.
My mind feels to me like it is changing almost daily. After every night of thought I feel different. I feel as if I need to perhaps seek some form of help, but I am afraid to ask for it. I feel that emotions are a weakness and can lead to obscured judgement.
There is however, and area of an INTJ personality that I believe is paramount. Knowing your own limitations and knowing precisely what you are not capable of doing. I can fly a helicopter adequately, but not a 747-438. I believe I need some urgent assistance. Can anyone help me with the following, please:
1. I feel as if I am an INTJ, however can others in here perhaps give some insight? I do not want to explore this new world without a degree of certainty that I am.
2. How can I use my self torment to my advantage?
3. Am I normal? Or just a self proclaimed 'wanker'?
I cannot openly discuss this, to family or friends. I have alienated most although I am very loved and secretly I love this very much, especially my children. The words come freely when I type and would ask others in this forum to perhaps not tell me what I want to hear to put me at ease, but to perhaps empathise with me and maybe let me know that you feel this way too?
It would be most appreciated to hear from someone, anyone, as I do not know anyone who is like me and to be honest and contradict myself about emotion, I am terrified. Of what scares me, I don't know, but I feel afraid. Perhaps of pending desolation.
If you have taken the time to read this, thankyou. By tomorrow, I may feel different, so I am glad I have shared this.
Many thanks.
Two years ago I had a drug induced very violent seizure which has left me in a bad state in terms of my upper body. The drugs were painkillers and anti-depressants, both prescribed after reconstructive surgery. This is hard for me to explain, but I believe that this seizure 'unlocked' certain anomalies within my brain.
For example, prior to my seizure my only concerns were friends, booze and women. I was young, earning good money as I had a government paying job and was bullet proof, but never aggressive or better than others. Now, post seizure, I cannot sleep at nights and average only 4 hours a night as I lay awake doing nothing other than dancing to a complex rhythm with my own thoughts. I find it indescribable, the things that I think, utterly fascinating. World economics, politics, poverty, peace, conformity, legacies, hypocrisy, artistic theories even something as ridiculous as non violent world domination and equality.
My mind feels to me like it is changing almost daily. After every night of thought I feel different. I feel as if I need to perhaps seek some form of help, but I am afraid to ask for it. I feel that emotions are a weakness and can lead to obscured judgement.
There is however, and area of an INTJ personality that I believe is paramount. Knowing your own limitations and knowing precisely what you are not capable of doing. I can fly a helicopter adequately, but not a 747-438. I believe I need some urgent assistance. Can anyone help me with the following, please:
1. I feel as if I am an INTJ, however can others in here perhaps give some insight? I do not want to explore this new world without a degree of certainty that I am.
2. How can I use my self torment to my advantage?
3. Am I normal? Or just a self proclaimed 'wanker'?
I cannot openly discuss this, to family or friends. I have alienated most although I am very loved and secretly I love this very much, especially my children. The words come freely when I type and would ask others in this forum to perhaps not tell me what I want to hear to put me at ease, but to perhaps empathise with me and maybe let me know that you feel this way too?
It would be most appreciated to hear from someone, anyone, as I do not know anyone who is like me and to be honest and contradict myself about emotion, I am terrified. Of what scares me, I don't know, but I feel afraid. Perhaps of pending desolation.
If you have taken the time to read this, thankyou. By tomorrow, I may feel different, so I am glad I have shared this.
Many thanks.