Disorder in the American Courts

[Rei]

I read this on my friend's blog just now and found it utterly hilarious and thought I'd share.


These are from a book called ' Disorder in the American Courts, ' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

… And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[thegnat]

OMG. When I saw the post title I was already thinking of a smart ass comment about entropy.

But that is SO SO Funny!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I was laughing sooo hard!

starting with:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

after the first one, it was funny, but I could hold my laughter...but after the above- it was uncontrollable...

what an idiot of an attorney!

[Tarrick]

That's hilarious stuff there. Being us more!

[Rei]

OMG. When I saw the post title I was already thinking of a smart ass comment about entropy.

But that is SO SO Funny!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I was laughing sooo hard!

starting with:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

after the first one, it was funny, but I could hold my laughter...but after the above- it was uncontrollable...

what an idiot of an attorney!
Ugh, don't remind me of entropy... I just took a Chemistry exam and I want to get away from my Chemistry for a while... I need some alone time!

Oh man... I started lol-ing after that one too...
What's bad about that is... I was in the library taking a break from studying... the dude sitting across from me must think I've gone insane.

[rwyatt365]

...and attorneys wonder why people think they're ignorant idiots! That was outrageously funny stuff!

[Firelie]

I've seen this before, but it was with less "are you shittin' me?" in it. Methinks this thing has been edited repeatedly. I wonder if any of it is actually true, or whether people have just messed with it to make it "more funny".

[Rei]

I've seen this before, but it was with less "are you shittin' me?" in it. Methinks this thing has been edited repeatedly. I wonder if any of it is actually true, or whether people have just messed with it to make it "more funny".
I don't know...
I trust my friend to have taken it straight from the book when she says she did...
Unless she stole it off someone else...
or the author edited it repeatedly =/

Must find this funny book...

[The Rose]

I've seen this before, but it was with less "are you shittin' me?" in it. Methinks this thing has been edited repeatedly. I wonder if any of it is actually true, or whether people have just messed with it to make it "more funny".
I agree with you.

[Nomad]

No, my oldest friend, who is an attorney, has this posted to his wall in his office. He spent the time and effort to obtain transcripts to the cases these quotes come from. It reminds him why he does real estate law, and not litigation. He could make more money, but he lives in mortal fear of looking stupid. He did the research because he could not believe someone who graduated from high school, let alone college or law school, could be so dumb.

BTW, he informs me that expert witnesses love to make attorneys look stupid, it raises their fees.

-Nomad

[blckprljinju]

this stuff's hilarious~!!!
but since i don't know in what context they were saying these things, it's certainly possible that they needed to establish certain truths to convict a criminal or to carry on a civil case, and in a trial, you have to establish just about everything that's not provided in depositions and things, so it's certainly possible that these questions could have come up... although....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________

... are just.... retarded.... LOL. Especially the one with the beard... maybe the attorney's girlfriend is rather hairy and it's normal for him to see her shave her face in the morning...???