Are you seen as 'nice'?

[PortInStorm]

Over and over again I get told about how wonderful my husband is... what a hard worker, always willing to help out, etc. etc. And while I'm very proud of him for those things (even though they don't always carry over into our relationship, or these things come at the expense of our relationship), and am happy to see him happy over these compliments, I wonder "Am I that bad? Am I not a hard worker, just in a different area? Do I not help others?"

Do you think that we're really less 'nice/good', or just that people don't recognize it because we give a unique kind of help, or it's behind the scenes, or understated?:thinking:

[DroppedG7]

I believe naturally we're neutral and match the level of niceness coming from the person in question. But when they put in a cup of niceness for no reason I tend to return a teaspoon with feelings or emotion. But, I hate debt and always feel i have to make up the deed somehow.

.. then again there are some straight up assh0le INTJS

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I am not a nice person. In other words, no one I know would describe me as nice. Maybe charitable, compassionate, or generous, but not nice.

[pavman]

LOL. I can be nice, but its usually for some advantage. On occasion I do a charitable deed that has no benefit to myself, but that hardly makes up for the other occasions.

[Uytuun]

people don't recognize it because we give a unique kind of help, or it's behind the scenes, or understated

I think so, yes...we just do it differently. We often work with our brains and do not tend to deal with tangible things (e.g. scientific research), so it might be hard for other people to recognise what we do as work and value it as such. My mother for example only sees manual labour as real work. She worships uni education, but on the other hand, it makes her nervous to see me sit down engrossed in some theory all day long...do something (useful) she will say. The thing is, I wonder do we always see what we do as simply work? Perhaps INTJs love their jobs a lot more than most other types and convey that happy vibe to others?

As for helping, we are not the eternally caring, helpful, bring-over-a-casserole-on-tough-days kind AND we do not allow other people to take advantage of us. I doubt we'd sacrifice ourselves for others the way some other types do and I think that that's what most people see as a truly good and helpful. It's almost martyr-like, really. But clearly, I do help people, I keep doors open for old ladies, pick up stuff that falls on the pavement, and generally we are problem-solvers, so who better to ask for help?

As for being perceived as nice? I doubt it, but I can't say for sure. I can be nice, though. Certainly.

[PortInStorm]

Yes, exactly about academic stuff not being work- I'm a teaching assistant, am researching, and writing a thesis right now, and someone looked at me over Christmas and said "Well, someone's got to work". And this was a super-nice relative!

[SeaCzar]

Nice? As opposed to mean? In that case, I am "nice" inasmuch as I am not "mean". I tend to be very formal with those I do not know, so I can come off as somewhat stuffy, but not mean.

[PortInStorm]

Perhaps I should have said :

Good
Deserving of respect/admiration..

Nice is rather a generic term, admitted.

[Aurelia]

People often let me know how nice my husband is too. It's sort of role reversal isn't it? Being nice is a quality more associated with women than men. I wonder if people say these things because INTJ women do not speak or carry themselves in a way that most other women do. Not that we aren't feminine in how we look but we do communicate differently.

[Zilal]

I think I'm very nice, but now that I think of it I'm not sure I've ever been referred to as nice. What I don't think I am is terribly warm. Maybe that's what people are responding to.

[PortInStorm]

yes, I think it's the T vs. F that people are reacting to. And possibly E because it pushes you to have more frequent contact with people, increasing the chance that you'll be asked to help, listen etc.

[Haphazard]

I have actually been called 'nice' before. I remember some people in middle school being surprised because I was both 'smart' and 'nice', because apparently smart people are jerks.

Then again, I seem to smile and laugh a lot easier than most INTJs here. I'm still not particularly sociable, though.

[Wapiti]

Those who know be best would likely say that I say that I am nice if asked but is not something that they would naturally say without first being asked - I think. Those who don't know me well, I would be thought many different ways depending on what I thought of them. And compared to my wife who is actually nice and I hear compliments "your wife si so sweet, so nice,....." I might as well be Hannibal Lecter.

[Darkmist]

Nice is a perception I am learning. I can be seem nice to me IMHO but to others it isn't quite good enough. Other times I am seen as nice because I don't rock the boat . . . I'd rather to let things ride than cause conflict. Nice to me is sheep if that makes sense. I hate the word, it's between black and white.





Darkmist added to this post, 7 minutes and 46 seconds later...

And I despise political correctness. That was a simple visual rather than a cultural implication.

[BadMojo]

I am a nice person, since it's a part of my life philosophy to be the best person that I can be. Though I can be a bit lazy sometimes. But, who's perfect anyway. :)

[BlueTopaz]

I am a good person, I know that. Niceness is like a facade that I can put on when the need arises. Left alone, I'm quiet and reserved. At work I've been told to "smile" (oh I hate that) or that I'm too serious.

[Antares]

I'm not your typical 'nice' person. I'm not cruel, I can say that much. I'm usually quiet around strangers and am most reserved around them, and usually, after the initial conversations, I'd be one of the nicest person they'd know, but after a few privileged ones got to know me better, they all know I'm not 'nice'. I like to banter just for the fun of it and people need to watch their ego around me. Strangely enough, I found that ever since I showed my 'meaness' to a lot of my acquaintances, a good number of them became my friends and my popularity actually increased because of it. Maybe I'm not 'just another nice girl' anymore, but someone with character and is lively, sarcastic, witty and has integrity.

[Alpha Prime]

I am not, generally seen as nice, but as a man of principles.

[DeadSpace]

Considered too nice, too trusting...and hmm, very conscientious by family and friends. Seems an odd mix aye? Will help others to a point...will put up with flak...to a point. Will make allowances...etc.

[PortInStorm]

It's odd, because it seems that when people call you nice, it means they've gotten what they want out of you...
but not necessarily what's good for them. You try to perceive that, and give it, and all of a sudden you're not.

But Deadspace, conscientiousness and trusting (a majority of the time) are good things.

[Jgib5328]

I look really mean to other people, but as a rule of thumb, I try to be nice to strangers. I aim to be considerate and kind, but if you aren't deserving, you will see my dark side (sorry been watching star wars all weekend).

However, I lack sympathy, so it is hard for me to care about other people. Since I have a great deal of empathy, I know exactly how to react in the right situations, but I never really care about the person that much. I also don't like helping people too much either.

If I'm in a bad mood, you won't see any niceness from me. I'm more curt and irritable.

[Uytuun]

The thing about warmth is interesting...I'm a good person, but I doubt people would call me nice because of the lack of warmth...the sympathy Jgib mentioned maybe.

Oh and what is your thesis about, 2ndtimestudent?

[PortInStorm]

It's about psychopathy and accessing whether a potential target is vulnerable to attack or not. Super interesting, but lots of work, obviously.

[More Tea]

I'm quite nice when interacting with strangers, wait-staff, and so on. Part of it is that I had to teach myself social skills once I got out into the world, and the default paradigm for a woman is something resembling "nice." Another part of it is that, after working customer service/tech support for many years, I realized what a difference being nice makes. It helps the person you are talking with and it helps with efficiency. The jerks who called in would get basic help, and even then we'd drag it out because we had no wish to interact with them. But a nice person... now for them, I would explore every options, and sometimes really go above and beyond.

[jwp4]

I look really mean to other people, but as a rule of thumb, I try to be nice to strangers. I aim to be considerate and kind, but if you aren't deserving, you will see my dark side (sorry been watching star wars all weekend).

However, I lack sympathy, so it is hard for me to care about other people. Since I have a great deal of empathy, I know exactly how to react in the right situations, but I never really care about the person that much. I also don't like helping people too much either.

If I'm in a bad mood, you won't see any niceness from me. I'm more curt and irritable.

I second that. I always have my "mean" face on. It helps to keep strangers from trying to start meaningless conversations in places like elevators, the lunch line, etc.

I guess I do tend to empathize with people in certain situations, never thought about it much until now. I guess this is my nice side.

[ElstonGunn]

I consider myself nice, although I don't really look for opportunities to help people. If somebody asks me for a reasonable favor, I'll do it without any grumbling. Or if somebody screws something up, I'm generally not that interested in yelling at them for it. I've never gotten snippy with a cashier or a waiter.

Some people might even call me a doormat. I think that wouldn't be very accurate, but people can call me whatever they want.

[AgentofGaming]

I think the definition of nice is a bit too broad. A lot of "positive" behaviours are included.

I could just be agreeable, understand, tolerant, etc and some people will consider me nice.
Meanwhile my brother could offer to do chores for them and they'd consider that nice.

Generally my brother earns the title of nice more often because I don't really do much to help others.

I don't have mean face but apparently people think my default face is a mean face. I guess I have to watch out for that. However I'm not going to go outside all smiley faced, that's too fake for me.

[Homini Lupus]

I'm polite, but as nice as a starving grizzly bear.

[lancelot]

Nice, yet having strong conviction

[eternaltriangle]

When I am nice I just don't make a big show of it. I also tend to maintain a somewhat mean exterior, that helps keep others at bay.

[PortInStorm]

So I'm getting that we have good qualities, but not necessarily nice (though granted, this is a very broad term), and we use a rather stern facial expression to keep from interacting with people as much, diminishing peoples' requests for our help- aka 'keeping others at bay' haha.

I can just picture Eternal with a chair poking back the masses "Back! Back I say!"

[Lynnefl]

As I've told people for years: I can be nice but it's not necessarily that I am nice.

I'm a more cautious person, and I am very cognizant that some people are out to use and take advantage of others. I know that's quite cynical, but then again, I wouldn't be an INTJ if I wasn't now would I? You have to earn my trust and therefore my emotions before I'm going to be "nice" to you. I'm helpful, mannerable, somewhat tolerant, and even pleasant when I first meet people. But, I don't think my facial expressions and body langugage screams "Hey, everybody, I'm nice!"

Like others have said, "nice" is such a broad term that can mean many different things to different people.

[Neom4a1]

I'm considered nice by people that know me. More charitable than nice, though. I'm a boy scout who has been elected into the order of the arrow (which is a branch of scouting called "the brotherhood of cheerful service"), so I guess I can qualify if I want to. ;D

[eclecticjoker]

I'm viewed as very nice. Especially at work; I'm a clerk in a video game store.

The comments I get are generally pretty opposite- either I'm nice or I'm a coldhearted bitch. XD I guess it depends on the environment.

[ssfanatic]

I consider myself, not necessarily nice, but rather considerate. I wont hit you below the belt, but i will poke fun and such. I occasionally go out of my way to help others, but i dont really get satisfaction from it, in fact, it draws attention to me, which i hate. Its always easy for me to just be apathetic, but i no care to an extent.

[ceg6]

As I've told people for years: I can be nice but it's not necessarily that I am nice.

I'm a more cautious person, and I am very cognizant that some people are out to use and take advantage of others. I know that's quite cynical, but then again, I wouldn't be an INTJ if I wasn't now would I? You have to earn my trust and therefore my emotions before I'm going to be "nice" to you. I'm helpful, mannerable, somewhat tolerant, and even pleasant when I first meet people. But, I don't think my facial expressions and body langugage screams "Hey, everybody, I'm nice!"

Like others have said, "nice" is such a broad term that can mean many different things to different people.

This is me. I can be nice. I don't think anyone I know would describe me as being genuinely "nice". I get asshole often though. :laugh:

[BlackHawk]

As a first impression, I am coldly courteous, but not warm and "nice."
People that have known me for a while get over their fear of approaching someone they initially viewed as strange and know that I give great help whenever I'm asked.

[Fervency]

I'm very nice to people who know me well and even to complete strangers. It's people who I don't know well...people who are chatty & ask me personal questions who might say I'm a bit "cold." So it depends on the situation and the environment whether I'm perceived as nice or not. I just started a new job and my new coworkers are a little annoying to me because they talk too much. They ask me personal questions and I answer them with the most vague and short answer I think I can get away with. I hate to make an impression that seems unfriendly, but I can't seem to help it. I guess they annoy me because I'm a private person and I don't know them very well yet. But if you would ask my old coworkers if I'm nice, they would say I'm fabulous. :p

I guess all in all it doesn't matter if people say I'm nice. Their opinions do not define me. So to answer the question 'am i nice' I would say yes I really am.

[Jgib5328]

I'm actually A LOT meaner to the people closer to me than strangers. I'm almost always polite to strangers, but I am pretty mean (playfully generally) to my friends.

[PortInStorm]

Ya, funny, but I'm a whole lot tougher on those close to me because as others have said
- I want them to be as good as they can be
- I want to be authentic (not mean, just communicate my true feelings) with them

[Haphazard]

I'm actually A LOT meaner to the people closer to me than strangers. I'm almost always polite to strangers, but I am pretty mean (playfully generally) to my friends.

I'm like this too. I try to be nice to strangers, or at least civil, but I'm generally not good at warm fuzzies. I think because I'm quiet and generally unimposing to people I don't know, they make the mistake to think I'm 'nice.'

However, once they get to know me better, I'm extremely easy to read. They know that I can have extremely strong opinions and when I start talking jerkily that's usually what I mean. When I don't want to talk I stop looking people in the eye and start looking at their shoulders and start talking rather prickily. I can joke and tease but it's usually with such a straight face that sometimes they take me seriously. But, I do tend to be reliable when I actually hear what I'm supposed to do clearly, and am generally pretty trustworthy.

[apresmoimelle]

I have actually been called 'nice' before. I remember some people in middle school being surprised because I was both 'smart' and 'nice', because apparently smart people are jerks.

Then again, I seem to smile and laugh a lot easier than most INTJs here. I'm still not particularly sociable, though.

Same here, except, I was only ever labeled as nice when people were walking all over me and strongly encouraging me to do things I didn't want to do. Now, I'm the bitch who says, "NO!"

[Sesquipedalian]

I think I'm seen as knowledgeable, helpful, willing, but probably not nice... I get things done, and I'm certainly not mean, but I work better without having put on a happy-happy facade.

[gogurtdynasty]

I never get labled as nice or mean...

There's one friend who always gives me the introduction "This is ashley... the REAL chick"

[Antares]

I'm actually A LOT meaner to the people closer to me than strangers. I'm almost always polite to strangers, but I am pretty mean (playfully generally) to my friends.

That's me. When meeting strangers, I'm polite, gracious and quiet. I keep my opinions from the strangers that I meet and I'm most often 'mild', 'still' and 'gentle'. Immediately likeable, but not exactly noticeable. That's for sure. Those who are close to me can stand my humor and my style, and there are a precious few, like my mother, who are repulsed by it. It seems like my society likes a tough, feisty girl with a morbid sense of humor. People who are close to me know that I heavily opinionated, sharp-tongued, critical, sarcastic and restless. I'm mean to them because they know me enough to know that I'm joking, and my jokes have no limits when I'm around them. Cracking sex and death jokes are my habits when I'm around those close to me, often to the dismay of my SJ mom, who deems these kinds of jokes 'witless', 'uncivilised' and 'superficial'.

[pax sinica]

I'm seen as mean. But I'm a caring and loyal person with those who I know reciprocate.

[sriv]

well, most people know less than 1% of me. my best friend probably knows about 75%. Most people, if asked if I was nice, would say they never thought about it and have not talked to me enough to tell. Then again there was a kid about 3 years younger than me who I sat on the bus with and I treated him just as he treated me and he said I was the nicest person he ever met and started calling me his best friend.

I think most people do not think to consider a reserved person nice. Either mean and anti-social or to awkward and different to be around. AND the smiling thing. One of my good friends is considered the nicest person in school. Whenever she starts a conversation she smiles and talks politely and nicely. She is relatively reserved, but she has a wonderful reputation. Me, a boy, do exactly the same thing without the smiling, slightly less noticability, and I have the reputation of an anti-social nerd. Whats up with that? (not a rhetorical question, someone please answer it)

[Bluestocking]

Short answer? No. Not by anyone who REALLY knows me. I have learned how to put on a mask to a certain extent that I use when I'm interviewing someone. I once heard "You are the NICEST reporter I have ever met." Not if she knew what I was really thinking or what I said when I was back in the office! I'm far too tactless, far too impatient, far too unwilling to make nicey nice and do what I don't feel like doing. Not very nice at all. Not that I won't put myself out for someone I know well or my family, but I can't say I do it without an inner wailing for my lost time. I'm polite when I meet someone and probably too dismissive. My social skills were pretty much learned by rote or by imitating someone with better social skills than I have, which doesn't make for easy conversations.

[AgentofGaming]

I think most people do not think to consider a reserved person nice. Either mean and anti-social or to awkward and different to be around. AND the smiling thing. One of my good friends is considered the nicest person in school. Whenever she starts a conversation she smiles and talks politely and nicely. She is relatively reserved, but she has a wonderful reputation. Me, a boy, do exactly the same thing without the smiling, slightly less noticability, and I have the reputation of an anti-social nerd. Whats up with that? (not a rhetorical question, someone please answer it)

I would say there are different societal standards for males and females.
Let's analyze nice as in being unassertive, non-confrontational and agreeable.
When a female is nice it is desirable.
When a male is nice they are considered weak.

[sriv]

I would say there are different societal standards for males and females.
Let's analyze nice as in being unassertive, non-confrontational and agreeable.
When a female is nice it is desirable.
When a male is nice they are considered weak.

That is probably it, few people know of my non-violence policy. They probably consider me weak because I do not fight back physically to a teasing punch. My policy: Do not let anyone tell you non-violence is foolish, for it is pure bravery.

[Katharo]

Funny thing, I asked a friend of mine some days ago what she thinked about me.
She said that I'm a nice guy. She thinks this way because I respect not only my friends but everyone.

Yeah, I try to be polite toward everyone, because this how I'd like to be treated. But... she propably don't know me very well as I can be bitter towards people I dislike or when something is bothering me.

[AgentofGaming]

That is probably it, few people know of my non-violence policy. They probably consider me weak because I do not fight back physically to a teasing punch. My policy: Do not let anyone tell you non-violence is foolish, for it is pure bravery.

Yes, to be able to bear insults rather than indulging in the moment of anger takes a great willpower. Meanwhile common people see it as an act of cowardice but really it is the physical actions that are the easy route.

However I doubt it makes any person wiser to retaliate by throwing a chair or a punch for a verbal insult. I don't see how this "not seeing the consequences of such an action" is considered strong or brave, rather I view it as impulsive and stupid.


Actually I can phrase this better:

Anger serves no purpose, violence has no meaning

[HousesOfApollo]

I'm not nice in the sense of having a very likable outward personality. Those who do not know me tend to think of me as a very selfish and mean-spirited person. However, those who gain an understanding of my motives often think of me as a generally good person, and that's enough for me.

The things I do for others help them make sense of the world around them; I tend to clarify things. I am not nice because I rarely make people feel better about themselves or the world around them, and I'd be lying if I said that's what I wanted to do. I do not throw a fish at a starving man so as to feel better about myself. As someone who tests as a Rational personality I feel compelled to teach the man how to catch fish for himself.

In that way I'm actually nicer than the 'charitable' man who simply gives as I do not desire to fashion a reality where the man starves without me.

However, the 'Feed the children' kind of 'nice' is better recognized and acknowledged than the 'Solve the problem' kind. Not that I'm against feeding the children at all. I just tend to think a little differently about it than a lot of nicer people do, I suppose.

[PortInStorm]

Me, a boy, do exactly the same thing without the smiling, slightly less noticability, and I have the reputation of an anti-social nerd. Whats up with that?

That's just what I'm thinking- that if you aren't nice within these narrow parameters, then it doesn't register. It's almost as if people prefer the mask of niceness than genuine caring for that person (because then you may only do what you think is good for them, not necessarily just what they ask).

However, the 'Feed the children' kind of 'nice' is better recognized and acknowledged than the 'Solve the problem' kind. Not that I'm against feeding the children at all.

Same as above.

Not if she knew what I was really thinking or what I said when I was back in the office! I'm far too tactless, far too impatient, far too unwilling to make nicey nice and do what I don't feel like doing. Not very nice at all. Not that I won't put myself out for someone I know well or my family, but I can't say I do it without an inner wailing for my lost time. I'm polite when I meet someone and probably too dismissive.

Ditto.

[acyckowski]

Yes, to be able to bear insults rather than indulging in the moment of anger takes a great willpower. Meanwhile common people see it as an act of cowardice but really it is the physical actions that are the easy route.

However I doubt it makes any person wiser to retaliate by throwing a chair or a punch for a verbal insult. I don't see how this "not seeing the consequences of such an action" is considered strong or brave, rather I view it as impulsive and stupid.


Actually I can phrase this better:

Anger serves no purpose, violence has no meaning

Wow. Okay, where do I start?

If you want to go truly existential, neither violence nor non-violence has any meaning except for what is assigned to it. George Washington and Mohatmas Ghandi were equally revolutionary, weren't they? Didn't they both throw off the shackles of British imperialism?

Anyhow, here's the thing. Violence is a tool, a means to an end. It is the tool of both the wolf and the sheepdog. To what end you use it, and with what type of self-restraint, defines whether you are a savage aggressor or the protector of the weak. Non-violence is the domain of the sheep, who fear the wolf and hate the sheepdog. The sheep hate the sheepdog because it is not "nice," yet the sheepdog will sacrifice itself for their sake.

Interesting thing about Ghandi, MLK, and other practitioners of non-violent protest. Without the violence of their oppressors, their non-violence would have no effect. In a sense, their non-violence was a large-scale form of jiujitsu, using the attacker's strength and aggression against him. In this sense, then, they caused MORE violence, by amplifying their aggressors' acts until the aggressor self-destructed.

Physical actions may seem an easy route, but truly they are no easier than denying physical action. What is truly difficult is to have the understanding and discipline to deliver controlled violence in order to effect a worthy goal.

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks nothing worth a war, is worse...A man who has nothing which he is willing to fight for, nothing which he cares more about than he does about his personal safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
-John Stuart Mill

[HarleyQuinn]

I'm very reserved and quiet but quick to smile and quick to at least say hi or be respectful of strangers when I meet them so that combination has led me to be labeled nice by a lot of people.

I've also found that since I have a very long fuse in terms of my anger, my friends and even classmates have trouble understanding my concerns (i.e. my fear that I will be talking down to/belittling my audience during my Capstone presentation) because they just don't see me as 'that type' of person.

I also get called nice 'cause I'm very laid back with anybody I meet and as long as you're civil and I find your personality decent, I won't have an issue being at least communicable with you but if I don't like your attitude, I can give off the cold shoulder vibe which always confuses those who don't see me do it much. I did this once and a few friends were like, "But you're so nice. What's the issue?" and I told them I didn't like the guy's personality and they kind of nodded and understood but it still took them by surprise.

At times it feels very much like a shadow performance, like I'm hidden beneath a veil but at the same time, combine the smile+laid back nature+easy to talk with anybody if just a greeting and the nice label gets plastered onto me.

[AgentofGaming]

Wow. Okay, where do I start?

If you want to go truly existential, neither violence nor non-violence has any meaning except for what is assigned to it. George Washington and Mohatmas Ghandi were equally revolutionary, weren't they? Didn't they both throw off the shackles of British imperialism?

Anyhow, here's the thing. Violence is a tool, a means to an end. It is the tool of both the wolf and the sheepdog. To what end you use it, and with what type of self-restraint, defines whether you are a savage aggressor or the protector of the weak. Non-violence is the domain of the sheep, who fear the wolf and hate the sheepdog. The sheep hate the sheepdog because it is not "nice," yet the sheepdog will sacrifice itself for their sake.

Interesting thing about Ghandi, MLK, and other practitioners of non-violent protest. Without the violence of their oppressors, their non-violence would have no effect. In a sense, their non-violence was a large-scale form of jiujitsu, using the attacker's strength and aggression against him. In this sense, then, they caused MORE violence, by amplifying their aggressors' acts until the aggressor self-destructed.

Physical actions may seem an easy route, but truly they are no easier than denying physical action. What is truly difficult is to have the understanding and discipline to deliver controlled violence in order to effect a worthy goal.

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks nothing worth a war, is worse...A man who has nothing which he is willing to fight for, nothing which he cares more about than he does about his personal safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
-John Stuart Mill
I was evaluating at the level of a common argument not a conflict of nation states.
I know what you are trying to say but I wasn't advocating pacifism. Besides there are ways to hurt a person more than physically. That aside if you reread what I meant was never use violence as the first resort out of impulsiveness. A need for discipline as you phrased yourself.

[acyckowski]

I was evaluating at the level of a common argument not a conflict of nation states.
I know what you are trying to say but I wasn't advocating pacifism. Besides there are ways to hurt a person more than physically. That aside if you reread what I meant was never use violence as the first resort out of impulsiveness. A need for discipline as you phrased yourself.

Okay, if that's your point, I agree. Your summary quote threw me off.

[AgentofGaming]

Okay, if that's your point, I agree. Your summary quote threw me off.

Sorry, I tend to go into making an idealistic rant at the end.:rolleyes:

[umop_3pisdn]

I'm seen as very nice and polite. I have somewhat of a conservative style, I smile at strangers (when not lost in muddled thoughts/mind-fog) and I tend to strive to emulate a genuine tone in my voice and expression on my face. I also tend to treat people respectfully (or create the illusion of respect if none is there), and at times I enjoy dealing with children and the elderly, due to their difference in perspective... and I find they tend to respond quite favorably to pleasant or polite conduct. I work in customer service and most customers like me, even though it tends to be BS or entirely self-motivated.

When people get to know me, they realize I can be a bit deceptive. I'll use that same pleasant, polite tone to brutally dissect and disparage some random topic of discussion, or to make fun of something that I think is stupid. That, combined with the INTJ self assurance/appearance of "arrogance", kind of causes people to back up and take a second look at me. With their old image of me, they often think it's outside my character to be in any way harsh or cynical. I think they just tend to see me as a sensitive, articulate, and shy/not dominating social situations. I tend to really get off on projecting this "nice boy" image, because to be honest, it tends to earn me lots of trust, without much effort on my part. People often just assume "here's a nice, young, respectful/traditional boy with a good set of ethics" just by taking one look at how I dress and how I treat my customers.... when really this is indicative of nothing. It's kind of funny. I enjoy this game. If anything, I'd be one of those crazy kids they see on the news for their ungodly/heathen ways. Sometimes it's all so ironic, and I think "If only they could really know what I think about _____." Politeness and at least the appearance of respect really does go a long way.

Later on, people tend to realize I'm into some pretty weird shit/things outside the norm, and I like playing devils advocate in debate, and can be pretty obnoxious or insensitive at times. This tends to shatter their previously held views of me. So I don't know. I'd say I'm mostly balanced. *Most* people tend to view me as at least outwardly nice, and not in a sickeningly phony way. I'm quite familiar with playing the role of "nice guy". In fact, I'd say without my moderate level of social charm, I'd probably be somewhat fucked. It tends to make people more sympathetic towards me, and I've messed up enough in my life/encountered enough external circumstances, that I've occasionally needed the sympathy..

[lordrrr]

I guess people think I'm nice, mainly because I stay out of their way and I respect them if they respect me. Some try to take advantage of my easygoingness as if my not giving a damn means I'm stupid, and in the end learn I'm smarter, stronger, and more intolerant than they are. I'm a person of mystery and intrigue. I reveal myself to the public piece by piece.

[PortInStorm]

I think they just tend to see me as a sensitive, articulate, and shy/not dominating social situations. I tend to really get off on projecting this "nice boy" image, because to be honest, it tends to earn me lots of trust, without much effort on my part. People often just assume "here's a nice, young, respectful/traditional boy with a good set of ethics" just by taking one look at how I dress and how I treat my customers.... when really this is indicative of nothing. It's kind of funny. I enjoy this game. If anything, I'd be one of those crazy kids they see on the news for their ungodly/heathen ways.
Yep, I had an HR person one time exclaim that I seemed so quiet and nice on the outside, when really I was hard as rock or something like that. As you say, it doesn't pay to have every t,d, and harry know what you're really thinking until the situation becomes just too outrageous or you have to act in your own interest. Then everyone's amazed that you had that inside- think that's how I alienated my in-laws. Ironically, I was acting in their best interest, but they were too stunned by the swift intensity of it, and never trusted me again. Mind you, the feeling was mutual.

[Alcuin]

Hahaha! This is actually why I don't drink when I'm coaxed into hanging out with coworkers after hours. :) I become brutally honest, and they learn that I'm not the charming flower I pretend to be to make my job easier.

Being quiet, observant, and polite (general, the qualities of an exceptional listener) by default leads everyone to think we're super nice people.

Thankfully, my coworkers know my body language, so when I hesitate for more that a moment when asked my opinion (I try to find a way to not sound like a bitch when I disagree with something), they immediately ask me not to sugarcoat it because they've learned to trust that I know how to make things look gooood.

[SmileyMan]

Most people see me as an asshole. I think it's because they can't stand hearing the truth.

[malefide]

It depends a lot on whom you're asking. Some people would describe me as "nice" because I'm usually polite, quiet, observant, subtle, reasonable, and since I chose my battles, I don't end up arguing with most people I come in contact with in public. But other people--I don't know if it is because of them or just their experience with me--would definitely hesitate to call me "nice". They know how bitter, cynical, aggressive, cold, selfish, withdrawn, distant, and avoidant I can be. I'm not usually like that, but some people have experienced me that way. Most people know that I am very honest--I feel deeply uncomfortable telling even white lies, so most people have learned not to expect them from me.



Sometimes it's all so ironic, and I think "If only they could really know what I think about _____." Politeness and at least the appearance of respect really does go a long way.

Exactly.

[merid]

This is a strange one. My girlfriend says that I am nice to her and my friends. But I can be distant and arrogant to people that don't meet my criteria.

At work I am brusque if people are not working to their potential and therefore they find me arrogant and rude, not that I do not speak to them if needed or be nasty to them. Those that do work to their potential like me as to them I am polite but they say that I am arrogant.

So I guess I am the same as others.