Do you choose to be a loner or are you just not compatible? [Archive]

Gabrielle

03-09-2008, 09:04 AM

Motor Jax

03-09-2008, 09:11 AM

i'm always around other people, since there is something that draws them to me. but i need alone time a lot also. so i would have to say is that i deliberately choose to hang by myself

Richard0612

03-09-2008, 09:31 AM

Homini Lupus

03-09-2008, 10:04 AM

I act more or less the same way in my courses (after all, taking notes is what you're supposed to do) but I've learnt to say hi to all the people who comes regularly (in university courses there's a lot of people who comes and goes). And yes, i am a loner for standard people. But I've never denied help to those asking.

Getting in specialist course also helped because, since you have to pass a test to enroll, more interesting people is in so you're more likely to have a decent conversation.

Given that, there's always some invisible wall; you can make it thinner, but it's hard to completely remove it.

Pinkie

03-09-2008, 10:30 AM

I suppose I'm somewhere in the middle. I choose to be by myself a lot, but if there were more people that shared my interests/thought patterns then I may be more inclined to go out more.
However, even if I did know people like that, I would still need my 'recharge time'.

I second this. I do know people with my interests and I love them to bits, but I still have to go off and be by myself a lot.

DroppedG7

03-09-2008, 10:55 AM

Before I found out my extreme polars of INTJ, I would attempt to master the organization of meetings as often as possible. They tended to be with groups from 3-10 people. I was soon looked to organize these daily events and my cellphone's minutes and text messages were constantly going over a normal amount. This was before I studied about the personality types and everyone seemed to have a nondefined trait to them that kept me curious or confused about their actions.

This was primarily an attempt of accomplishment to fight the label of antisocialist (and to uphold friendship?) and to fit in the norm of coworkers and friends who's daily conversations were about who they were with and where at the same time equalling success in social status.

Then I found Jung - Myers-Briggs and read and read. The revelation enabled me to focus my mind on more important feats and also "label" my friends or associates. I had a large percent of those I knew take tests and found my whole family to be IS** types. Closer friends tended to be *N** type and there were several *S** types but when activities shared common interest there was no issue of type.

It may be a self fulfilling prophecy, but after learning more of myself and answering the big question of if I was correct in my ways of thinking and how others thought; I soon became a loner. My phone now has almost as many roll-over minutes as the amount of minutes I pay for. TXTing is used more and sparsely and naturally. I live by myself and entertain my thoughts and needs for information on what I consider important as well as my side projects.

When we do get together it is filled with purpose, mainly me fixing something of theirs or a project in need of an extra hand.

In conclusion, I am a loner but not due to incompatibility as I can easily step back to my old ways. I am a loner because I choose to be.

Aurelia

03-09-2008, 11:57 AM

It's a little of both. I've always been an outsider. I felt that I didn't have much in common with others either. Even in activities I am interested in and meeting people that I am more compatible with, it's still hard for me to build deep relationships. Close friends have mentioned to me that it's because I come across very strongly when I speak. People either love me or hate me for that.

AgentofGaming

03-09-2008, 12:06 PM

I've always found my lifestyle a lot more different than everyone else. That's why we never have a common ground. I'm guessing being inflexible about meeting people and seeking new interests as well as distancing myself contributes to that. Also most people like enthusiastic friends and I'm far from that.

Also with the courseload we each stick to ourselves at school and get work done. Not much leisure time as compared to high school.
I had friends in class, its just that they dropped out last year or we didn't find a common point and got distanced over the summer and I for one don't do friendship maintenance.

Haphazard

03-09-2008, 12:11 PM

I am continually called antisocial because I can't keep up with people in social conversations.

As soon as I'm supposed to talk to more than one person on the time, I can't forge a connection with any of them. It immediately dilutes the conversation and the fun and the intelligence of the whole thing and either I can't understand it, I can't keep up, or I find the whole thing pointless. I need one person, and only one person, that I can lavish my attention on at one time.

I can be interesting and engaging but only if you catch me alone. I think I may choose to be alone because I absolutely can't keep up in large groups. Instead of trying, instead I read or do something that's more worth my time.

Being social, like I'm supposed to be, is so difficult. I just can't do it.

lordrrr

03-09-2008, 12:33 PM

I choose to be a loner. People always come up to me and try to talk to me but I never find them interesting. And yes it's the fact that there is no one else who has the same interests I do (in a manner of speaking). I have a lot of very close friends who are fun to hang out with, but they never share the same traits I do in the mind and psychology of things. But no I'm not a loner for the fact that I'm ugly or uninteresting. If I wanted friends from my terrible school, I could have them. I just have no interest in anyone there. It's sad, but also okay that I'm able to be in tune with my inner self.

Colette

03-09-2008, 12:39 PM

She maintains that I am choosing to be a loner. I'm going with the fact that there is no one around me to share my interests with, and therefore I am not compatible with those people.

What about you?

Largely I'm the same. I do get on 'well' with non INTx types; in that I can successfully talk to them as a learned skill, but I don't really enjoy it (and most people around me are ST or SF types). I therefore limit interaction with non-N types, which means that I don't have many close friends at the moment.

I'd like some N friends, but I'd need to join specific sorts of activities to find them (perhaps a poetry group, since I write poetry).

ElstonGunn

03-09-2008, 01:02 PM

The main reason that I'm not sociable is the same reason that most people don't tap dance every second Thursday in months that start with J. I don't think there's anything wrong with either of those things by any means. It just rarely crosses my mind that I could do them, and anyways I'm not especially interested in doing them.

I do, however, hate it when people tell me that I should tap dance, so to speak, or when they imply that tap dancers are inherently better than other people.

Nightelf

03-09-2008, 02:00 PM

University is about study for me, this attitude keeps away a lot a things from me which are generally considered 'fun' by other people. And keeps away other people in general. But this is something I don't mind, since I don't have any common ground with most of them, and I would compromise my myself if I wanted to earn their sympathy...
So yes, I have chosen loneliness, but I am always looking for 'similar minds'. :-)

Zilal

03-09-2008, 06:34 PM

I want to spend time with other people in a nominal sense, but socializing is tiring and when I get home I often just don't feel like it anymore. I don't think my friends are all that much like me... nobody is... but they're still fun.

integratedvelocity

03-09-2008, 11:54 PM

I think I am some of each. I usually prefer staying in on Friday nights to read or get a head start on work for the next week. I also never go looking for companionship when I have free time.

As far as being incompatible, I am actually very good at small talk with strangers and can talk for what seems like an eternity to people who have had the same classes or participated in similar activities. However, this compatibility wanes once a relationship beyond acquaintance forms. Once I know about what a person does and thinks about thing important to me, I find new people. I think this probably reflects more incompatibility on my part. Most of them are very nice, open, social people. No wonder I'm incompatible. :p

schmidt

03-10-2008, 12:15 AM

I wouldn't say I chose to be a loner, it just felt natural. During primary school, books, music
daydreaming was much more interesting then people. Largely because I couldn't understand them and felt that there was sort of a gap between how I was wired and how they were...

And now, well I got a few close friends, we try to met from time to time, but most of the time I just shield myself from the outside world during work hours with music and head on home interacting with people over the net instead. It's good fun.

rwyatt365

03-10-2008, 05:43 AM

(Making a completely unsupported generalization...)
Ultimately, whatever we do is a choice of some sort. There may be circumstances that guide those choices, and forces that shape them, but - in the end - we make a choice.

DeadSpace

03-10-2008, 07:32 AM

INTJoe

03-10-2008, 02:21 PM

Little bit of both. Mostly it's that people aren't compatible with me, though. But like Richard said, even if I were surrounded by interesting people for several hours, I may begin to feel antsy and want to chill out by myself and think about what just transpired.

SeaCzar

03-10-2008, 04:25 PM

You'll have to define "loner". I most often choose to be alone, but I am never lonely. As far as relationships go, I have a few very close friends. I know myself well. I am very difficult to live with. This is part of the reason I am divorced. I guess its me, but every intimate relationship I've had with women ends in disaster (to be honest, I've not met the right one). While I am sure not all women are like this, the ones I've been with are clingy, way too emotional and somehow, just don't make sense (again, I am sure this is not all women). They always want to change me, in some way, shape or form, and that is just not going to happen. Forgive me for this, but it reminds me of the Jack Nicholson line in "As Good as It Gets". When asked how he writes women so well, he replies, "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability".

So, here its both. I choose to be alone, and I am pretty incompatible.

PRBori

03-10-2008, 05:27 PM

I choose to be a loner. My work drains me since I have to be so active and deal with people quite often. In regards to my private life, well I don't like to let many people in my life. Most of my "friends" are co-workers and we hardly see each other, maybe every 3 to 6 months.

As a single mom is hard anyway to have a real social life, I'm very protective of my kids in general and I have plans and goals that are essential for me to give my kids a good life. All in all, privacy is priceless for me.

But overall, I tend to cut people off my life rather quickly for personal reasons. If someone tries to get into my life to deep and starts making comments that don't make sense to me, I will stop communication completely. If I feel someone is just using me, I will stop communication as well.

I rather be alone than be taking advantaged off. One of the reasons why I'm divorced...

However, I'm trying to break the cycle by incorporating activities I like, so I will go to Family Events sponsored by people from my country every 2 or 3 months. In addition, I set-up a group of professionals in my area to share ideas and learn from them. The plan is to have a monthly meeting covering career related issues.

I guess at the end of the day I'm trying to balance myself a little more, but I'm a looner because I want it that way

Thecitywithin

03-10-2008, 09:45 PM

ahh so you all agree, I too choose to be a loner. I need the control in my life. If I have friends that introduces variables that I can't predict. If I can predict what is going to happen. I have not surprises, and I can achieve my goals with out interuption. That is my lifes ambition to attain my goals then make new ones.

gogurtdynasty

03-10-2008, 09:46 PM

though i am rather well liked, i try to keep an equal balance of socialization and isolation for my own sanity! I know very well that if i were to let my self sit around my house (especially with a tool like the internet around) i would never come out of my cave being that i'm just as happy spending time with friends as i am reading about the difference between californite and jadeites (consequently when i exhibit antisocial behaviors too often my topics of conversation become less and less interesting in the eyes/ears of my peers)

Balance keeps me ready for conversation and at the same time allows me time to dive into and express my unique interests

bookwormuk

03-12-2008, 06:26 AM

While I was at Uni, I discovered how to talk to people on different levels and essentially reflect back their own traits during a conversation. It is a strategy I use for superficial meetings with other people, especially when having to make small talk.

Now that I am older, I often feel that I really can't be bothered with being social, especially when I usually end up thinking about all the other things I'd rather do!
I really like being on my own, but I rarely feel lonely. In fact it is very seductive, I especially like it when it is late at night knowing that there is nothing to disturb me and I have total solitude and peace.

I wonder if this is why I like being single so much, the only thing I need to worry about my cat, who is probably more INTJ than I am.

Dream Weaver

03-12-2008, 07:32 AM

umop_3pisdn

03-12-2008, 01:30 PM

I tend to think my compatibility with others hinges on my ability to adapt within social situations. I tend to suck at adapting, and tend to get stuck in my own perspective, so it can be hard to go outside that and actually connect meaningfully to people. In fact, I've probably never fully opened myself up to someone. Either my mind is off in some imaginary world, or intimacy freaks me out too much and I feel the need to run away.

For instance, I don't think small talk is stupid. It's ultimately a very useful skill. I just tend to suck at it, and draw a blank every time I'm in those sorts of situations. It's not necessarily that I'm shunning people, I just doubt my ability to connect, or to go outside my own self-contained world. It's not that I don't want to. I think social anxiety and a fear of being hurt also has to do with it... even though in those instances when I'm very genuine, people tend to take quite well to my personality, so by all means I probably should not be so nervous/over-aware, it is just a difficult thing to turn off, unless I'm using alcohol/drugs, or something... and obviously that's not a long term solution.

So, I don't know. I have a desire to be compatible with people, but in practice it doesn't always go so awesomely. Often times people may actually like me, but internally, I'm feeling awkward or perceiving that something is "wrong," and I get uncomfortable/insecure and just want to retreat. Often times people I don't know all to well just kind of freak me out, and moving a relationship beyond the level of acquaintance makes me feel like I'm losing some security/privacy, or something? Ultimately I think I just have some level of social anxiety, and can be too solipsist/isolationist, at times.

Jgib5328

03-12-2008, 02:15 PM

Merle

03-12-2008, 03:02 PM

[QUOTE=Haphazard;56972]

I can be interesting and engaging but only if you catch me alone. I think I may choose to be alone because I absolutely can't keep up in large groups. Instead of trying, instead I read or do something that's more worth my time.

QUOTE]

I find this a problem too - I can cope with groups of about 4 at the max, but even that is stretching it and I find myself withdrawing from the conversation and just sitting trying to take it in. In a group of more than 4 I can't even try to take it in and just sort of shut down.

Also, I'm quite happy to be by myself - I wouldn't really do much with other people if my friends didn't organize things or call me and invite me out blah blah...
My dad finds this sooo weird, and thinks it's a symptom of some kind of illness/depression etc and is always nagging me to do things with other people - but for me social interaction, while it can be fun, is also draining, it doesn't relax me...I relax by being by myself and reading a book or something.

One thing I have realized recently though is that while I like to spend a lot of time alone I don't like to be completely alone - I like to be in a place where I know there are other people around me but where I have my own space and I don't need to interact with them a lot.

Haphazard

03-12-2008, 03:06 PM

I tend to draw people to me. I have no idea how, but I do. A majority of those I draw tend to be very shallow, uninteresting people, but there are always those diamonds in the rough that engage me on so many levels. Those people I love to socialize with. I guess I'm just disinterested socially but I can do it if I make the effort. So, to answer your question, I choose to be alone.

For some reason, I draw people to me, too, but I draw a very specific person to me -- the outcast or the new person. I have no idea why this is. What makes us so appealing?

Some of these new people are genuinely interesting, but some of them are... well, horrible's a good word for it.

Kotetsu

03-12-2008, 03:11 PM

At school I'm rarely alone now, but there was a time when I talked to no one. This was mostly because I disliked a lot of the things most people did (playing the popularity game, ignoring the bullying of other kids, spreading rumours, paying little interest to others' feelings, paying little interest to their education etc.). I spend almost every hour outside school by myself or (occasionally) talking to one of my close friends on the phone or my parents. To sum up: I was first driven to being alone by incompatibility, but have since come to realise how much more content I am when alone or with people who exhibit few traits I strongly dislike.

ArchonAlarion

03-12-2008, 03:14 PM

I am a loner, but more mentally than physically. I hate when everyone ignores me and I feel good when people talk to me, but mainly I live in my own head. I don't like crowds or public displays of affection. I'm very private. I think where any of my sociability comes from is not from enjoying people which is an E thing, but more because I don't want to be left behind and feel like I'm less successful than everyone else.

umop_3pisdn

03-12-2008, 03:19 PM

Well, I'm not really a loner, but when I am alone, it's usually because I want to be alone. If I feel like being social and hanging out, I'll do it. I think the extremely introverted are the loners who are incompatible because they tend to lack social skills.

I'm pretty introverted, but have decent social skills. I at least tend to come off as genuine and not an ass. Most people tend to like me, granted I often make a pretty significant effort to come across as likable. I'll also go out when I feel like being social (otherwise one starts going kind of insane,) I just tend to over-analyze/"trip out" too much on minor things, or read too much into the subtext of social situations. Also, it takes me a while before I'm comfortable around someone. If I'm comfortable, I can actually come across as quite extroverted or flamboyant, if I'm in the mood... so I'm probably not extremely introverted. Other people actually see me as somewhat facile, socially. Externally I may give that impression, but internally I don't find it to be particularly easy. I can also be capable of being socially relaxed/casual, but that's like a third of the time. Normally I can be way too aware of myself and other people's potential judgments of me. Because I do care what people think of me, just some things I find much easier to brush off/deflect than others. Sometimes I wonder if I'm an INFJ, but then I remember that my Fe is pretty terrible, compared to my Fi and Te. I think there is probably a difference between someone who is extremely introverted, and someone who just has some level of social anxiety. Anxiety itself doesn't keep me from going out, but it causes me to over analyze way more than I wish I would, and kind of lowers my confidence in my social conduct, when really, if I doubted myself less, I'd probably make way better impressions.

ElstonGunn

03-12-2008, 03:25 PM

but for me social interaction, while it can be fun, is also draining, it doesn't relax me...I relax by being by myself and reading a book or something.

This sounds a lot like how I am, too. I don't have anything against social interaction. Under the right circumstances, I even enjoy it. But it's next to impossible for me to be relaxed by it. If I've had enough time alone prior to a party or some other kind of social exposure, I'll have enough energy to burn off.

I guess it's kind of like running a marathon. It can be an enjoyable thing to do, but I can't imagine somebody running 26 miles as a way of gathering more energy. I can only assume that people tend to be exhausted after that much running... ;)

deepFlow

03-12-2008, 04:56 PM

I exist in a strange contradictory realm where I often long for human contact, but when I do get it, it's not all it's cracked up to be and I just want to be alone.

I spend too much energy idealizing other people, and social fabrics, and live in fear of sociality. When I do partake, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, I don't really have much in common with these people, we don't speak the same language, I'm an alien, and "Well that was a pointless anti-climax, what did I want that so badly for?"

So I guess I oscillate between "I choose to be alone because I can't relate to most other people" and "I am a prisoner of my own paranoid assumptions and fear" (self-fulfilling the loner prophecy unnecessarily).

Ick. I'm a bloody mess.

Homini Lupus

03-13-2008, 11:06 AM

For some reason, I draw people to me, too, but I draw a very specific person to me -- the outcast or the new person. I have no idea why this is. What makes us so appealing?

That happens very often also to me. My explanation is that it happens because when those people step in they see:
1)Already formed groups, always talking together
2)Shy looking alone people
3)Self-confident looking alone people

The third option may be the more appealing to some. But I like knowing people of different opinions so it's generally a good thing; I'm also quite good at sending the "buzz off" message with body language.

Nemesys

03-13-2008, 12:30 PM

Even thought the I/E rate is about 50/50, We're introverts in a extroverted society, so we'll always come across as looking like "loners" even if the I is borderline.

Some reasons why:

1) We like it that way. You have serious competition for my attention, since you can't be as interesting to talk to as I am.

2) We're snobs. And with good reason to be.

3) We don't care. We're competent at all those things we do care about, but being social with you isn't one of them.

4) You won't understand me even if I do talk with you, which will make you feel bad and will frustrate me. I ignore you in your own best interests. Embrace the logic of my apathy.

5) We're afraid. We think you're going to laugh at us, so we guard our privacy. If you can prove to us that you'll listen without smirking, maybe we'll talk with you. Otherwise, we'll occasionally talk to you, but don't expect more until you've proven yourself.

thod

03-13-2008, 01:00 PM

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Requires excessive praise and admiration
Takes advantage of others
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
Lying, to self and others
Obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty

Haphazard

03-13-2008, 02:07 PM

That happens very often also to me. My explanation is that it happens because when those people step in they see:
1)Already formed groups, always talking together
2)Shy looking alone people
3)Self-confident looking alone people

The third option may be the more appealing to some. But I like knowing people of different opinions so it's generally a good thing; I'm also quite good at sending the "buzz off" message with body language.

I guess that makes sense. It's the best explanation I see at the moment, anyway.

Either I'm not so good at sending the 'buzz off' signal or some people just aren't very receptive because, well, I remember some awful experiences with people who decided to stick to me as if with krazy glue.

Other opinions are nice, but sometimes it's difficult to get people you don't like to leave you alone...

eclecticjoker

03-13-2008, 02:27 PM

Although throughout high school I was a "loner", I was always very close with my family. I put effort into a few close relationships and I always have.

Since entering college, I've had more independence financially, plus a car, and I spend a lot more time with friends outside my family. I have one very close friend, and we see each other constantly. It's pretty remarkable to have a friend where the awkwardness of "do they want me around?" doesn't exist. I have many other friends of varying degrees of closeness, and I spend a lot of time with people. I can be very talkative and social in my classes where I have friends, but in classes where I don't know anyone, I won't speak at all.

I'm a theater student, which I suppose makes things a bit easier for me. When you're surrounded by social people that interact a bit differently than your average Joe, it's sort of easier to let down your barriers and just hang. It's immensely fun and liberating, but it does get exhausting, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to be around people all the time, and that alone time is worth having as well.

I do tend to feel like a bit of an outsider, though. There are certain hobbies and habits of my larger circle of friends that I don't jive with, and there are certain emotional boundaries that I have that probably make people think I don't want them around. It's something I'm working on.

Capt57

03-25-2008, 05:03 PM

"There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone." -Daniel Plainview

sriv

03-25-2008, 05:29 PM

I try to make a few good friends wherever I go.

Types of people I interact with-

1. Knowledge carriers - people that have knowledge and are willing to teach me. often they end up lecturing me, the pupil. I love learning.
2. Interesting people - people that I find have unconventional traits/interests. I like to see their perspective on things.
3. Time-killers - people that I talk to for the purpose of killing time, practicing social skills (small talk, keeping a conversation going, etc.), and look like I am socializing. this often leads to people considering me more approachable. I have added this to my list only recently and my social life has dramatically improved.
4. Obligation - everyone else that I am obligated to talk to, whether they strike a conversation with me and I do not want to be awkward, or members of my family who I develop strong relationships with that do not belong to other categories.

These are ways that I am not a loner. You may consider these techniques selfish, I find them very workable and applicable to life.

malefide

03-25-2008, 11:38 PM

Both, really.

I deeply enjoy my non-social activities most of the time, and they are very important to me--academics, theatre, music, reading, learning, etc. After all this at the end of the day, I need a lot of rest. This leaves little time for socialization, but I am also a loner by default and choice a lot of the time because 97% of the people that I am in contact with I have little or no desire to be near. It's not that I dislike them, I just don't...really care. So I'd rather do a non-social activity than be around someone I don't much care to be around. That said, if I could only find more people that I feel a real connection with in real life and who share my interests, etc., I'd be happy to be around them and would gladly make room in my schedule for being with them.

So I think my introversion is in part a result of desire for like minds. I refuse to socialize with people that don't offer me anything emotionally or intellectually. I'm a loner by choice because I seem to be incompatible with most people.

meaniehaha

03-25-2008, 11:44 PM

I used to socialize quite a bit more than I do now. It got to be such a hassle trying to keep up with people, and then they expected me to do things like remember birthdays when I sometimes don't even remember my own, swap little gifts and such for no reason, do lunches, shop. Heck, I could go without seeing a friend for 6 months, but in my mind it was as if it'd only been a few weeks ago. Extroverts can't understand that at all, and if I have to explain it, then for me it isn't worth the effort.

Now that I'm older, I'm mostly only interested in keeping up with family members, and even that isn't easy if a person's absent-minded.

The way I am has always made me feel lacking in being a woman. When I call my adult kids, I will sit down, and call them one right after the other so I don't forget to touch bases with any of them.

I've been without a best female friend for some time now. I do miss that, but there's no burning desire for a best friend if you know what I mean. I literally can entertain myself with various interests.

One thing I've done with friends in the past is to compartmentalize them, having one friend that I may do one activity with, and another for a different activity. I'm so darn secretive (for no real purpose), that if the two friends met, they'd both be surprised about interests in my life to which they weren't privy.

quest ion

05-13-2008, 05:33 AM

In life, I know I need friends to 'survive'. So I choose not to be a loner and tend to accept others as individuals...though their ways of thinking which can be minimally different from mine. But I realise that one doesn't need to have a truckload of friends if they're formed and maintained on a superficial level.

Antares

05-13-2008, 09:54 AM

I think I'm compatible; but I choose to be alone. Before school, most of my friends would socialize, but I would pick up my bag and head for the library, sitting in the breeze reading a book. I have many friends; so sometimes they're a bit hard to run from. I 'escaped' to the study room in hopes of finding a place for my own 'alone' time, but when a group of guys came in (some of them are friends of mine), I said in my irritated yet perky tone (described commonly as 'extraverted): "Damn! You guys *have* to ruin it for me, don't you?" Then rushed off to some place else.

I am a loner, but more mentally than physically. I hate when everyone ignores me and I feel good when people talk to me, but mainly I live in my own head. I don't like crowds or public displays of affection. I'm very private. I think where any of my sociability comes from is not from enjoying people which is an E thing, but more because I don't want to be left behind and feel like I'm less successful than everyone else.

I also feel like a loner more mentally. I do have a lot of friends; I'm by no means *popular* popular, but popular enough that I can have someone to chat with incessantly in every class. but the problem is I like hardly any of them. I can't identify with them and was thoroughly disappointed when hardly anyone understood my not-so-simple philosophical essay. I don't think no one really cares about me, but I tend towards that (probably because I don't care about a lot of them). I just want a friendship with someone who can connect with me and I would like genuinely, but perhaps I'm too picky. I do enjoy liking people, but there's really no one to like; or hardly anyone. I sincerely like my best friends, but I like some of my 'normal' friends more than my close friends. The *normal* friends just aren't in the same social circle, and as much as I'd rather hang out with them, I'd have to work my way in, and I have no intention of going out of my way to fit in to another group.

Uberfuhrer

05-13-2008, 10:04 AM

I chose to be a loner because I'm not compatible.

vaguely dissatisfied

05-13-2008, 10:10 AM

I wonder if the propensity for INTJ's to be loners is more about their problem with sensory overload than anything else?

theunstrungharp

05-13-2008, 10:56 AM

Hah. I choose whether I want to be a loner or not. It usually depends on whether on not I am interested in being around the specific person/people. For instance in #intj I'm fairly talkative because I wuvs you. :P Around people with ESFJ and ISFJ and similar tendencies, I go all lonered-out and do my own thing. Case by case though.

Dreamer

05-13-2008, 11:07 AM

Both.

I simply don't give enough of a damn about others in general to be around them and I have undergone few if any efforts to build up on my lacking social skills.

I personally find them adequate for my current goals. I get along well with my colleagues at work and so far nobody has expressed the belief that I should be beaten up to a pink fine mist, so I must be doing something right.

More often then not, in social situations, I'm bored,I feel awkward, they feel awkward(or at least that is what I perceive) unless there is a common ground on which I and the other party stand(and given the fact my interests diverge from 98% of the populace, it doesn't help). Or a common goal to be achieved.

ElstonGunn

05-13-2008, 11:13 AM

On the other hand, do other people choose to be very social, or are they just obnoxious?

EsoteriEccentri

05-13-2008, 11:14 AM

Both.

EDIT:
Sorry if the post is too short ><
Is that against the rules?
It's true anyhow.

Uberfuhrer

05-13-2008, 11:27 AM

I wonder if the propensity for INTJ's to be loners is more about their problem with sensory overload than anything else?

Perhaps, but I think it's more the fact that they just don't identify with many people, being like 2 percent of the population and all. They're also more misanthropic than other types.

Thucydides

05-13-2008, 02:25 PM

New here.

I like to be alone, but I'm sometimes lonely. I would say that I often chose the former, but certainly not the later.

I also tend to attract people to me for no obvious reason. It's strange that a number of us have had this experience. What do you think is the source of this? Could it be that some people seek the confidence and certitude we project?

Fej

05-13-2008, 02:32 PM

I like to be alone and choose to be alone, but I feel lonely very often. I guess I'm just too lazy to make friends. You know all the smiling, and nice-talking, and showing interest, etc. It makes me tired.

yondyr

05-13-2008, 02:57 PM

I wonder if the propensity for INTJ's to be loners is more about their problem with sensory overload than anything else?

I think you're right, vaguely. If I'm going to relate to others I'll be doing them the courtesy of listening, and considering their comments and views. Bantering is a whole nother matter, I can but those types tend to be on a shallow level, and.. I just can't be bothered.

catd

05-13-2008, 03:11 PM

I am definitely a loner. People drive me nuts, if they had it their way, I'd never be alone. I have to be very distant just to get some space. It's really annoying. I haven't found a good way to have friends and maintain the amount of alone time I need. Most of them just don't understand and I think it hurts their feelings when I'd rather go shopping, walking, whatever, by myself.

Double Victory

05-13-2008, 03:22 PM

I suppose part of me is like that. When I'm in a sociable mood or if I'm around people who have the same interests as me (mainly, videogames or Asian languages), then I can talk to just about anyone regardless of who they are.

However, I'm an incredibly judgmental person, and so if the first thing I learn about someone is that they're selfish, or stupid, or lazy, or ignorant, etc, etc.... I just can't bring myself to talk to them because they disgust me. Most people I meet end up falling in that category. In those instances I would be a self-enforced loner.

changos

05-13-2008, 04:08 PM

lambpox

05-13-2008, 04:36 PM

I'm just not compatible with classmates my age. I don't like the things they like, and I don't follow their trends. Yet, people tend to like me for some of my personal qualities...I seem soft-spoken and kind, and I tend to help people a lot. If you're in a heated discussion with me though, it's an entirely different situation. I can be loud, defiant and pumped up. Not shy at all when I have the boost of energy that comes from a good debate.

I have more close friends than anything; but tons of acquaintances. I don't consider myself a loner, just someone who doesn't connect with certain topics and such. Only if something interests me will I engage in social activity.

vaguely dissatisfied

05-14-2008, 04:01 AM

Perhaps, but I think it's more the fact that they just don't identify with many people, being like 2 percent of the population and all. They're also more misanthropic than other types.
Agreed. But do you think that if there were alot of other INTJ's that they would be any less loners?

vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 1 minutes and 33 seconds later...

I think you're right, vaguely. If I'm going to relate to others I'll be doing them the courtesy of listening, and considering their comments and views. Bantering is a whole nother matter, I can but those types tend to be on a shallow level, and.. I just can't be bothered.
Yes. Bantering and smalltalk feels like a sensory overload......especially when there's alot going on around the conversations like background noise, movement etc.

Aven

05-14-2008, 09:00 AM

I much feel the same way, truth is though, I do not go out of my way to meet people, and when I do most of the time it's not really worth it.

So maybe I do a little bit of both? I am not completely inflexible when it comes to talking to people, in fact I could talk to just about anyone if the need arose, but most of them bore me, is that my fault? No, it's not :D.

Seriously though, I find most people uninteresting and a waste of time.

tenspot

05-14-2008, 09:24 AM

I find myself being more sociable than I care to be because I have to work. If I was independently wealthy, I am absolutely positive my interaction with people in general would be at a minimum, limited to my immediate family and the close circle of friends I maintain sparingly only to keep myself in tune with the rest of the world.

I am usually very good in social circles, almost too good. I am a people watcher and I am very good at mimicking likeable behavior. Which of course has benefited me in my profession. I am a loner and have always been one by choice.

Beery Swine

05-14-2008, 06:22 PM

This topic came up while I was talking with my best friend. I was basically saying that no, I don't have friends in classes, because usually I'm doing something (IE: reading, taking notes, rushing home).

She maintains that I am choosing to be a loner. I'm going with the fact that there is no one around me to share my interests with, and therefore I am not compatible with those people.

What about you?

AAHH! You're trying to kill us by melting our brains with "chicken or egg" questions. I AM IMMUNE! I will not give in to this introspection. :p

I think I typically adapt to any social situation, including the loner soc-sit. Am I a loner by choice? I probably have at least a slight tendency to prefer to be alone, but I enjoy spending time others occasionally. I don't usually seek out those situations actively, though. Its usually:

*breeng, breeng*
Me: "Hello?"
Someone else: "Hey, you wanna do such and such?"
Me: "Sure, they have good steak fries."

tyrantofthought

05-14-2008, 06:29 PM

I don't really need friends, in fact quite a bit of the time I like being a 'loner'. But I do value the friends i have, especially one certain one, but I need them not to be happy.

Karamazov

05-14-2008, 06:51 PM

I'm content in being in my own company. People are simply too taxing on my reserves. Outside socializing enough to get through the day and discouraging any unwanted conversation, I feel perfectly at home just doing the things I enjoy by myself. As others have pointed out, at my age, especially high school, I'd be hard pressed to find someone who would venture too far outside their mental faculties to discuss the religious overtones in Faust and Italian Neorealism in film. It just doesn't happen.

So as they say, It can be lonely at the top, but not enough to venture down from my quite and humble snow-capped mountaintop.

Nameless

05-14-2008, 09:16 PM

Not compatible. My personality is weird and things that interest me other people don't know anything about. But the biggest thing is social anxiety. It's killing me. I just can't be comfortable around anybody and get so nervous I'd rather run away from all of life.

Genuine

05-14-2008, 09:25 PM

Lol basically both. I find myself an exciting company for me.

Hdier

05-15-2008, 07:24 AM

This topic came up while I was talking with my best friend. I was basically saying that no, I don't have friends in classes, because usually I'm doing something (IE: reading, taking notes, rushing home).

She maintains that I am choosing to be a loner. I'm going with the fact that there is no one around me to share my interests with, and therefore I am not compatible with those people.

You are choosing to be a loner, from a certain point of view. You are choosing not to change who you are, your likes and dislikes, your whole personality, in order to gain a few friends who you probably wont' end up liking anyway.

What about you?

I choose to be a loner because nobody else is similar enough to me, and pretty much everyone thinks of me as either 'the weird one' or thinks I have one mental disease or another (and when they think I have one, it's because I want them to).

Really quick, when we say loner we mean 'has no close friends', right. There are a few people who I talk to once in a while (twice a week or so), but that's more because I have to deal with them on such a regular basis (nearly every school day; most of my classes don't keep the same students in the same class, except for a few such as band and swimming).

John Galt

05-16-2008, 09:52 AM

I often see people enjoy and find my talks more interesting than I find theirs. Sometimes I just get tired of feeding them so I usually don't even talk of what I know or what I can do. Its lonely sometimes not having the freedom to share.

It's annoying for me to have "deep conversation" with someone when it is me, not them, contributing to the deepness, and me, not them, bringing up the topics and information necessary to have that conversation. I too find that many people are interested in what I have to say when I have little interest in their replies.

As others have pointed out, at my age, especially high school, I'd be hard pressed to find someone who would venture too far outside their mental faculties to discuss the religious overtones in Faust and Italian Neorealism in film. It just doesn't happen.

So as they say, It can be lonely at the top, but not enough to venture down from my quite and humble snow-capped mountaintop.

Hopefully this won't burst any hopes of yours but it has not gotten any better for me while attending University. Maybe you will get lucky and find people like that at a University after high school?

That is an analogy that unfortunately I understand completely.

As to the initial question of this topic, yes, I choose to be a loner. I do not choose to make myself enjoy small chit chat or pointless things that the vast majority of people my age (and those older and younger) enjoy.

jadefalcon

05-17-2008, 02:22 PM

I am reserved by nature, but given the opportunity I do enjoy a conversation or two.

With the world being mostly made of extroverts, I was never drawn or attracted to people in large crowds. I like to keep myself pre-occupied and busy most of the time, and I make an effort to get to know people better. In turn, I don't think they want to return the favor of getting to know me because I am too much work and effort to crack open, so people leave me alone. It's really a darn shame because when people get to know me, I can be awesome.

I was never compatible with the people around me- however I did maintain a few good acquaintances with those that were more reserved themselves. Because I was not compatible I never had any friends in high school. I really didn't think of myself as a loner, but I thought I was different. I suffered from loneliness until I converted it into solitude.

I will keep myself busy with projects and I am passionate about them- however if you want to talk with me I will probably offer a good conversation, but don't expect me to be ready to go to parties and the like. If I were at parties, I am the guy that will stand to the side of the room with a drink, or go outside alone or with a smaller group of people and chat. I can be a good friend that likes to do things though! Just don't expect me to give up my personal bubble in two seconds.