Grade my speech?

[Antares]

This is not a debate speech, but a propaganda speech. It's limits is one minute long with the following requirements:

-Repitition
-Contrasting ideas
-Parallel structure
-'Logical' argument (as long as it sounds logical to the masses)
-Emotional appeals

With that said, I integrated all of them with some difficulties and made a couple of fallacious arguments and factual inaccuracies (I didn't even look up 'murder' or 'human being' before putting words into Merriam Webster, and many other prominent dictionaries' mouth ;)), but no matter. Politicians often bank on the crowd's ignorance and the tendency to believe them. What matters is that it's pursuasive, and on a scale of 1 - 10, rate how convincing it is. You don't have to point out the fallacies; I planned it all to my advantage. I felt quite disgusting when I deliberately erred; it was quite unbecoming of me, but as my first ever speech, I'm willing to do so for its success (and this topic can be quite emotional), no matter if I believe in what I say or the stance I took (fyi, I don't believe in anything I said; I think it's good exercise). One could call me a double-faced, lying politician, if you want. I call it imitating Marc Antony)

In America today, starting from the time of Roe versus Wade, there exists a controversy so grand that even political parties adopted a stance on the matter. Should it matter that we are killing the so-called ‘embryos’? Does it matter that human life is devalued to a point where a human fetus can be compared with the microbes that you kill everyday in shower? Is abortion murder? To debate that we must define ‘murder’, which, in standardized dictionaries, is listed as the killing of a human being. At this point my opponents would start arguing the humanity of the fetus, which begs the question: Who are we, as subjective animals, decide who is human and who is not? Who are we to decide who lives and who dies? ‘Human being’ specifically refers to an organism of the lineage Homo Sapien, so, I ask all of you, is a fetus a human being? What about, then, the woman’s right to choose, ask the so-called ‘Pro-choicers’? My answer is simple: “At no point in a society should the right to choose override the right to live.” We weep for the death of a child, but many of us weep not for the death of an unborn child. Yes, my fellow men, mankind has come to this, to a point where murder should be a ‘choice’. In a nation founded on freedom, our policies should be anything but ‘pro-death’. We all have the freedom of speech, freedom of happiness, freedom of property, but we are denying innocent children of the freedom to live?

I do not plan to clarify my position after the speech. I want a convincing act.

[Homini Lupus]

I like the climax, I think many common joes are going to feel it growing in them. But when, near the end, it says "Yes, my fellow men" doesn't it look like you're not including women?

[Antares]

I like the climax, I think many common joes are going to feel it growing in them. But when, near the end, it says "Yes, my fellow men" doesn't it look like you're not including women?

Eck. I should change it to my fellow humans

[Kotetsu]

I'd give it an 8. The climax is very emotive and persuasive, but sometimes I feel as though you're getting into a bit too much detail for the purpose. I'd try bringing up the photo of a 12-week old fetus which more or less looks like a newly born baby feature-wise as a direct appeal to emotion. One other thing; don't say your lines too fast (it is very rare that one will say something they have prepared properly too slowly), as that will lose their effect. Try and build-up tension and expectation with your voice. Stay still as you speak too.

[pavman]

I agree with Kotetsu. Although I'd give it a 6.

I was going to quote you and give you pointers, but I just re-wrote it the way I would do something like this if I were trying to sway in a propagandist way.

I tried to stick to your style and length, so I didn't add anything about how fetuses look human 3 weeks after conception, have little noses and ears and things, etc. Its a good argument, but from a propagandist viewpoint, not sure if its something you'd like to include. I've added emphasis where you might want to consider how you say it if you are actually speaking it.

Not sure how much I stuck to the rules, I cut some things out that I thought were just fillers that weren't propagandist enough for my tastes ;) I may have been too one-sided too early, but maybe I just don't understand the rules (or the reason) behind writing propaganda.

A lot of propagandist speaking is how you use tones, pauses, and pitch. I also look at propagandist speeches as a crescendo...so they build up in energy and eventually climax.

In modern America, a controversial decision near the end of the 20th century created a political powder keg just waiting to go off. The two major American political parties adopted diverging viewpoints on the most important issue to ever face humanity. Roe versus Wade brought the matter of killing embryos to the forefront of national politics, our consciousness, and our country's divisiveness ensued. Does it matter that we are killing embryos? Do you care that human life is so de-valued that microbes, killed in a shower, have a better chance of survival than fetuses? Is abortion murder? To debate this, we must define what murder means. Standard dictionaries define murder as the killing of a human being. At this point, my opponents would start arguing the humanity of the fetus, which begs the question...who are we,,, as subjective beings, who are we to decide who is human and who is not? What about, then, the woman's right to choose, as the so-called pro-choice advocates defeaningly assert? My answer is simple: "At no point in society should the right to choose over-ride the right to live. Period." We weep for the death of innocent children, but many of us do not weep for the death of the unborn child. Yes mankind has come to this. To a point where murder is a choice. For a nation founded on freedom, our policies should be anything but 'pro-death.' All Americans have the freedom of speech. All Americans have the freedom to pursue happiness. All Americans have the freedom of liberty. But we continue to deny innocent children the freedom to live merely because they are inconvenient or unwanted. Now is the time for change. Now is the time to take up the banner of freedom. Now is the time to stand up for lifeand reclaim justice in the United States of America!

[SShack]

My one comment reading it is that it takes a while before it becomes clear which side of the issue you're on, though maybe this isn't as much of an issue when spoken. I'm coming from the perspective of a print editor and we're very much "get to the point" when it comes to editorializing.

Is it weird that when I read through the speech, the voice that I heard in my head was Kang and Kodos, the aliens on <i>The Simpsons</i>, from that Halloween episode when they posed as Clinton and Dole?

[AgentofGaming]

I'd say about 7 +/- 2 because I can't actually hear the enthusiasm, tone, or conviction from your voice and that really matters.

It's good that you are writing in active tone, it's engaging. However there are bits where you have too much details such that it detracts from the conviction. As well some places need smoother transitions.
Avoid the details and add rhetoric is weird, but that's what used cars salesmen and politicians do, last thing you want to do is bog someone with details in those occupations.

Quite coincidental, I'm giving a presentation tomorrow on server implementations.

I have short cut out of some lecture material that might help. It applies to oral presentations.

How to make a good presentation (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) (Tell me when you have them or if you don't need them, I don't think I should keep them up)

Eck. I should change it to my fellow humans
Humans is a bit weird though, it sounds like you're a space invader. Like wouldn't it be weird if some stranger called you a fellow human being when talking to you?

I'd adjust it depending on the crowd.
Appeal to a sense of nationalism, fellow citizens
Appeal to school peers, fellow classmates
or you could say my people

[Antares]

Pavman: Very emotional climax there :thumbsup: Although I can't envision myself saying it; I wasn't planning to raise my voice that much, but it seems that my desire to keep quiet is interfering with the overall effectiveness of my speech, hence the quite unemotional, detailed and boring speech. It's definitely something I need to change. I really like your version, but to adopt your ideas I must go home and trouble myself with paraphrasing... But I'll do that after I get home from school (It's currently lunch here)

[uberosity]

Did you mean to misuse the phrase "begs the question"? If so, good. Genius. If not, consider changing it to "raises the question." That's a bit of a pet peeve of mine.