Relationships and Compatability

[muguly]

Why are people afraid to commit to better understanding each other in a relationship? Is it a fear of being hurt or of revealing you might not be that great? Or, is it the potential of exposing hidden truths and ultimately ending the relationship?

[PortInStorm]

I know I hold back in most relationships because I want them to think well of me, I don't want to expose myself to being taken advantage of by revealing my weaknesses, it's too early in the relationship, they've freaked out over something bad I've revealed before, I think they're boarderline liking me anyways, or I know we're too different from what shallow things we've mentioned already.

[Solaris]

For me, it's partly a desire to maintain control over myself. By controlling outgoing information, I control (somewhat) what can be used against me. I don't like people to know my weaknesses, because I don't want them to try to manipulate me. That said, I actually am perfectly willing to open up to the right person. But first, there has to be a deep level of trust and respect established, and that takes time. It is worth the time, but it's difficult because I am notoriously impatient (well, in my head I am), and if I perceive that things are not headed where I want them to, I'll just cut it off. Conversely, if I see that things could easily go someplace amazing, then I want to hurry up and get there.

[Merle]

For me, it's partly a desire to maintain control over myself. By controlling outgoing information, I control (somewhat) what can be used against me. I don't like people to know my weaknesses, because I don't want them to try to manipulate me.

Yes, I'm very similar, I have a pathological need not to expose myself, particularly emotionally. In relationships with someone who doesn't press me for that kind of exposure I'm fine and gradually open up more and more, but with people who really need it to validate their own feelings it all gets a bit messy and I tend to clam right up and exacerbate the situation.

[Solaris]

Yes, I'm very similar, I have a pathological need not to expose myself, particularly emotionally. In relationships with someone who doesn't press me for that kind of exposure I'm fine and gradually open up more and more, but with people who really need it to validate their own feelings it all gets a bit messy and I tend to clam right up and exacerbate the situation.

I often ponder the various things my deep inner self thinks its protecting me from. I don't know what it is really, I just know that it's downright terrifying when I discover somebody has waltzed right into my inner emotional space without an invitation. I've met some people who just sort of vault over those walls, disregard the warning signs, pick the locks on the doors. Not that they are pushy, just that, somehow, they get into that space (usually it's an NF type) without great effort on their part, and it freaks me out because I wasn't ready for that yet.

[pavman]

Why are people afraid to commit to better understanding each other in a relationship? Is it a fear of being hurt or of revealing you might not be that great? Or, is it the potential of exposing hidden truths and ultimately ending the relationship?

Think you answered your own question here.

[Merle]

I often ponder the various things my deep inner self thinks its protecting me from. I don't know what it is really, I just know that it's downright terrifying when I discover somebody has waltzed right into my inner emotional space without an invitation.

Yeah, when I think about it intellectually I'm always a little puzzled, I see people around me operating openly with no difficulty and no loss of self or power or whatever and I think WHY can't I do that?! Then when I'm in a situation where I can feel that I'm *supposed* to be opening up a bit I literally get paralyzed with fear, I will want to say something and open my mouth to speak but my gut just twists right up and I can't - it is actually a physical sensation. I find it quite frustrating really because it is stopping me from connecting with people that I really do want to connect with...I'm not just talking about romantic relationships here but also friendships and my relationships with my parents who I know find my emotional reserve frustrating and, in the case of my dad, a little hurtful.

[JTG]

I often ponder the various things my deep inner self thinks its protecting me from. I don't know what it is really, I just know that it's downright terrifying when I discover somebody has waltzed right into my inner emotional space without an invitation. I've met some people who just sort of vault over those walls, disregard the warning signs, pick the locks on the doors. Not that they are pushy, just that, somehow, they get into that space (usually it's an NF type) without great effort on their part, and it freaks me out because I wasn't ready for that yet.

This is exactly what happened to me recently... good to know i'm not alone in the occurrence :P I go long periods of time perfectly happy in my solitude and then out of nowhere i'm emotionally attached to somebody after seeing her for only a week

(she is INFJ)

[BlackHawk]

(she is INFJ)

They really do have a way of doing that, don't they?
Not that I'm complaining . . .
;)

[Colette]

Yes, I'm very similar, I have a pathological need not to expose myself, particularly emotionally. In relationships with someone who doesn't press me for that kind of exposure I'm fine and gradually open up more and more, but with people who really need it to validate their own feelings it all gets a bit messy and I tend to clam right up and exacerbate the situation.

me three. I am like a veritable Fort Knox, when it comes to revealing my own weaknesses, which could be used against me; either to end a relationship, or as ammunition later, when/if the relationship ends. Why do it? Intimacy? Nah.

[Solaris]

me three. I am like a veritable Fort Knox, when it comes to revealing my own weaknesses, which could be used against me; either to end a relationship, or as ammunition later, when/if the relationship ends. Why do it? Intimacy? Nah.

Frustrating as anything I can think of. :undecided:





Solaris added to this post, 1 minutes and 15 seconds later...

This is exactly what happened to me recently... good to know i'm not alone in the occurrence :P I go long periods of time perfectly happy in my solitude and then out of nowhere i'm emotionally attached to somebody after seeing her for only a week

(she is INFJ)

Well, sort of. They get attached to me, and I find them all in my emotional space before I'm attached enough to allow them in. However, when I do form sudden and strong attachments to people, that freaks me out too.

[Parallel]

For me, it's partly a desire to maintain control over myself. By controlling outgoing information, I control (somewhat) what can be used against me. I don't like people to know my weaknesses, because I don't want them to try to manipulate me. That said, I actually am perfectly willing to open up to the right person. But first, there has to be a deep level of trust and respect established, and that takes time. It is worth the time, but it's difficult because I am notoriously impatient (well, in my head I am), and if I perceive that things are not headed where I want them to, I'll just cut it off. Conversely, if I see that things could easily go someplace amazing, then I want to hurry up and get there.

That is so completely me too.

Also, I usually end up regretting not getting to know someone I previously judged as not worth getting to know just because I didn't get the perfect vibe from them the first moment I met them. And then later on I realize that they were actually pretty cool when it's too late. Or I tend to be attracted to people I think are as weird as me but they usually end up being too weird and then I have to run away.

With romantic relationships I tend to think through it too much in the beginning and end up just saying to myself, "whatever, we'll probably break up later so what's the point of starting it?" Plus, intimacy scares the shit out of me and i have no idea why. I feel like it's so goddam creepy when you can sense that people are really trying to get to know the inner you.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Some other reasons might be that they either can't or don't want to exert the sort of energy required to understanding their partner better. Alot of people want to coast within a relationship. They're not looking for that much challenge. Also, many people don't like confrontation or conflict and this often occurs when a couple are delving deeper into understanding one another.

[muguly]

Think you answered your own question here.

I know, just curious about everyone else's views.:thumbsup:

[Solaris]

That is so completely me too.

Also, I usually end up regretting not getting to know someone I previously judged as not worth getting to know just because I didn't get the perfect vibe from them the first moment I met them. And then later on I realize that they were actually pretty cool when it's too late. Or I tend to be attracted to people I think are as weird as me but they usually end up being too weird and then I have to run away.

With romantic relationships I tend to think through it too much in the beginning and end up just saying to myself, "whatever, we'll probably break up later so what's the point of starting it?" Plus, intimacy scares the shit out of me and i have no idea why. I feel like it's so goddam creepy when you can sense that people are really trying to get to know the inner you.

Fortunately for me, I think my extroversion prevents that from happening much of the time. I'll get to know people, but it still takes a long time to develop trust.

I have had sort of the opposite problem with romantic relationships. I end up with somebody who doesn't seem to want to know who that inner me is. I am very outspoken about my opinions and will share funny stories and such, so people sometimes are mislead (by me, purposely) into thinking that they must already know everything.

[muguly]

Some other reasons might be that they either can't or don't want to exert the sort of energy required to understanding their partner better. Alot of people want to coast within a relationship. They're not looking for that much challenge. Also, many people don't like confrontation or conflict and this often occurs when a couple are delving deeper into understanding one another.

What I find interesting is that, to me, it's through those disagreements and awkward times that people understand each other better. A little adversity is needed to show every side of a person. If everything is good you will only see how that person acts when things are going well. Let hard times hit, then the truth will come out. It has always been my belief that if youwant to get to know me, you must first earn that right. How else can you determine if that person wants you for you than to shake things up sometimes. Sounds crazy, but I have found it to be effective.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

What I find interesting is that, to me, it's through those disagreements and awkward times that people understand each other better. A little adversity is needed to show every side of a person. If everything is good you will only see how that person acts when things are going well. Let hard times hit, then the truth will come out. It has always been my belief that if youwant to get to know me, you must first earn that right. How else can you determine if that person wants you for you than to shake things up sometimes. Sounds crazy, but I have found it to be effective.
It actually sounds right to me, but I'm an INTJ too. My ESFJ partner would completely disagree so the key for us is finding some middle ground. Unfortunately, middle ground is not overly satifying to me.