Stress

[FE08]

Hi All,

I'm new to the forum, and frankly, I'm amazed by what I've been reading. It seems like so many of my social/psychological quirks can be attributed to my being an INTJ...

That being said, one of the down-sides to our personality seems to be this neurotic, over-analyzing/over-thinking aspect. I wonder if anyone here has any tips or advice about how to deal with stress in a healthy manner?

For me, during times of stress, I find myself so overcome with mindless, repetitive thoughts and concerns that I become overwhelmed by confusion and to some extent, depression. I usually end up making a rash decision, or avoiding the subject altogether - which often just increases the stress. My friends don't seem to understand it when I explain it to them, and they tell me I just need to "relax".

It's strange because my "episodes" tend to end as abruptly as they begin, and I'm left with both a sense of relief and a nagging feeling that it will occur again. I used to attribute these feelings to depression, but it just doesn't add up. There is always a triggering (stressful) event. Any ideas about how I can break this unhealthy obsessive cycle?

[integratedvelocity]

When I feel stressed about something, I like to come up with worst-case scenarios. Then I figure out a course of action that will minimize risk and negative outcomes. Needless to say, I finally decided that I was an INTJ when I read about how they tend to form comprehensive contingency plans.

For example, if I have a very important deadline coming up, I plan out the amount of time it will take, add some leeway, then figure out how to fit everything else around it, either doing them during breaks from my main project, or deciding that they are not a priority until the deadline has passed.

This might not work if your times of stress are impossible to predict, but otherwise, try to make a plan before you start feeling stress. Then you can remind yourself of what will solve the problem.

Hope this helps!

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Hi All,

I'm new to the forum, and frankly, I'm amazed by what I've been reading. It seems like so many of my social/psychological quirks can be attributed to my being an INTJ...

That being said, one of the down-sides to our personality seems to be this neurotic, over-analyzing/over-thinking aspect. I wonder if anyone here has any tips or advice about how to deal with stress in a healthy manner?

For me, during times of stress, I find myself so overcome with mindless, repetitive thoughts and concerns that I become overwhelmed by confusion and to some extent, depression. I usually end up making a rash decision, or avoiding the subject altogether - which often just increases the stress. My friends don't seem to understand it when I explain it to them, and they tell me I just need to "relax".

It's strange because my "episodes" tend to end as abruptly as they begin, and I'm left with both a sense of relief and a nagging feeling that it will occur again. I used to attribute these feelings to depression, but it just doesn't add up. There is always a triggering (stressful) event. Any ideas about how I can break this unhealthy obsessive cycle?
You just described me to a tee. I'm hoping someone out there can help both of us.

[Darkmist]

Make that three of us. Your name Vaguely Dissatisfied, accurately describes my mood of the past while. With me, it's a huge project that began in my control and fast spiraled out and is never ending. (so it seems) I hate limbo. It's my nightmare. This makes me take control and fail because it isn't in my hands yet has to be due to time constraints and AARG!. It makes me lethargic, yet unwilling to be so and and . . . I hate being stuck and being at the mercy of others.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Make that three of us. Your name Vaguely Dissatisfied, accurately describes my mood of the past while. With me, it's a huge project that began in my control and fast spiraled out and is never ending. (so it seems) I hate limbo. It's my nightmare. This makes me take control and fail because it isn't in my hands yet has to be due to time constraints and AARG!. It makes me lethargic, yet unwilling to be so and and . . . I hate being stuck and being at the mercy of others.
Right on! It's all about control.......isn't it? And I mean really.... how much control do we really have to begin with? Over anything? Including ourselves?

How much control should I need compared to what I want? How much of that is just an illusion anyway? Why does it matter so much?

Why do I have so many questions? Why can't I be content not to know?

[PortInStorm]

I might help to think that perhaps we were never meant to be totally content in life. that being 'settled' (emotionally or otherwise) is not the endgame. Just a thought.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I might help to think that perhaps we were never meant to be totally content in life. that being 'settled' (emotionally or otherwise) is not the endgame. Just a thought.
It's a good thought and one I have thought of before. It does help. But, I'm still vaguely dissatisfied.

[PortInStorm]

It's true, there is a drive to completeness (at least psychologically), and it's not a really fantastic state to be in. Didn't someone say on another thread that it's what drives us to push on to bigger and better things? I think that may be true.

[Hoss]

I know I'm new on the forum, but here is my two cents.

I have a similar problem with stress, something will go wrong (or not the way I want it to, even if it's not that bad), and things seem to spiral out of control, and I get frustrated by not being able to control things. It leads me to a depressed state as well, and can leave me feeling anxious.

I think for me, many of this feelings are tied to perfectionism, and a mistaken belief that hard work will get you where you are trying to go. That mindset may be true in many places, like the classroom, or other pursuits, but (for me) in relationships and athletics, things don't always work out that way.

What has helped me is to take a step back and analyze why I am feeling that way. FE08, you already seem to be doing much of this. I have to ask myself: Do things seem more out of control because I'm stressed and tired? Is this something I really can ever control?

But I still struggle with many of the same questions vaguely dissatisfied has. I'd be interested to hear how other's handle them.

[iamnotspock]

Does it help at all to imagine how small you are in the world, how tiny the earth is in the universe, and how inconsequential anything we do might be?

I always find that this "big picture" puts my "little worries" well into place. Hope it helps.

[meaniehaha]

You sure it's not from a lack of sleep? Nothing gets me to the point you described quicker than being short on sleep. It's about the only time I ever feel not in control of my emotions either.

Some INTJs say they just aren't emotional, and I mostly agree with that except when I'm short on sleep.

[PRBori]

I go thru a lot of stress, for my job is stressful and my current situation as well. However, I have come to terms with it by doing things or getting things I enjoy. Lately I have an obsession with CRYSTAL and Candles.

It's so bad everytime I find a pair of crystal lamps, I get them, I now have 3 pairs of beautiful crystal lamps. I also have a lot of crystal bases that I fill with water using different food colors to show my mood and have gotten into decorating my place with such.

Is kind of building a sanctuary at home, so that when I come home after a very stressful day I can try to relax. In addition, I find myself addicted to the music in this page...

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

But overall, yes I get stress, and sometimes I do feel a little depress, but I'm always able to pull myself out and focus on what's important at this time, which is ensuring my kids are well taken care off, and that is a duty that I have to take care off on my own, so looking for ways to relax are important. Nevertheless, my mind is always ticking, but I'm able to release some of the stress.

Also, a candlelight hot bath with the music on that site really relieve my stress as well. I guess we just have to find ways to deal with it and not let it get to us.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Hoss

"I think for me, many of this feelings are tied to perfectionism, and a mistaken belief that hard work will get you where you are trying to go."

This statement resonates with me for sure. I have recently completely changed my work ethic based on a half a lifetime of working my ass off for everybody else. However, it's such a huge paradigm shift that I think it's wreaking havoc on my mental stability. I'm so used to seeing myself in the world in a certain way that I'm having real trouble feeling good about myself within this new perspective.

My other concern is my need for control over certain things. Is it valid or excessive?

[Darkmist]

I think it's both valid and excessive. We see the end that others don't but can't get there because we collide with other people's ideas and baggage. This is frustrating and depressing. For me at least, it drives me to take control that I am prevented from taking and that is equally, or more frustrating. I am beginning to see a pattern here between frustration with myself and others and depression.

INTJs need control over their existence. Unfortunately circumstances too often prevent us from having it. We live in a world where others live also.

Maybe the answer is to let go of what we can't have and take control of our lives in other ways that we can. It's just so hard to let go though.

[rwyatt365]

I think it's both valid and excessive. We see the end that others don't but can't get there because we collide with other people's ideas and baggage. This is frustrating and depressing. For me at least, it drives me to take control that I am prevented from taking and that is equally, or more frustrating. I am beginning to see a pattern here between frustration with myself and others and depression.

INTJs need control over their existence. Unfortunately circumstances too often prevent us from having it. We live in a world where others live also.

Maybe the answer is to let go of what we can't have and take control of our lives in other ways that we can. It's just so hard to let go though.
Precisely!

To know what is within our sphere of influence, and that which is not, is a sign of maturity. No need to rail against the wind (and this coming from someone that hates snow and curses it bitterly), do what you can to assuage it's impact and then move on.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

"Maybe the answer is to let go of what we can't have and take control of our lives in other ways that we can. It's just so hard to let go though."

My question here is.... should I take control of something just because I want to and can?

[rwyatt365]

...and my answer is; just because you can, doesn't mean that you should. If "something" is something within yourself, of course, do as you see fit.

If "something" is something external, but within your sphere of influence, you should consider the impact of your control on others. I think that our tendency is to ignore other, but that is not always wise, or advisable.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

...and my answer is; just because you can, doesn't mean that you should. If "something" is something within yourself, of course, do as you see fit.

If "something" is something external, but within your sphere of influence, you should consider the impact of your control on others. I think that our tendency is to ignore other, but that is not always wise, or advisable.
In my case, my tendancy is to question whether I should assert my needs and disrupt things. I question this because I am concerned with others feelings and needs. However, I feel myself becoming more and more annoyed with the way things are vs. the way I want them to be.

So my question is..... just because I can do something about what I want does that mean I should? I mean, I don't know if I'm being reasonable in my desires or just controlling and neurotic. How do I figure out if my need is reasonable or not?

[rwyatt365]

you may never sort out whether you are being reasonable, or neurotic. Within your own mind, your desires might be entirely reasonable, while to others you are a control-freak. That, you'll have to decide for yourself.

But, try this game when you find something the twists you underwear in a bunch...try to convince someone else that YOUR idea is their (highly original, brilliant, earth-shattering) idea. Use your manipulative genius to make others around you dance to your tune.

Why bother?
A) You can dissipate your inner control-freak on "lesser mortals".
B) You can hone your skills to razor-sharp perfection.
C) You can achieve your ends and still maintain plausible deniability (practicing for your role as future president).

Now, how fun is that?!

[vaguely dissatisfied]

you may never sort out whether you are being reasonable, or neurotic. Within your own mind, your desires might be entirely reasonable, while to others you are a control-freak. That, you'll have to decide for yourself.

But, try this game when you find something the twists you underwear in a bunch...try to convince someone else that YOUR idea is their (highly original, brilliant, earth-shattering) idea. Use your manipulative genius to make others around you dance to your tune.

Why bother?
A) You can dissipate your inner control-freak on "lesser mortals".
B) You can hone your skills to razor-sharp perfection.
C) You can achieve your ends and still maintain plausible deniability (practicing for your role as future president).

Now, how fun is that?!
I've actually gotten part of what I want using the more straightforward technique of asking for it. I'm very far from a manipulative genius (sounds like my mother) and I doubt that would work for me in most cases anyway. However, you're probably right about the never knowing if I'm reasonable or a controlling neurotic.

[rwyatt365]

I've actually gotten part of what I want using the more straightforward technique of asking for it. I'm very far from a manipulative genius (sounds like my mother) and I doubt that would work for me in most cases anyway. However, you're probably right about the never knowing if I'm reasonable or a controlling neurotic.
Same here. I've reconciled that by accepting my "inner controller", and vowing to use it for good and not evil.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Same here. I've reconciled that by accepting my "inner controller", and vowing to use it for good and not evil.
All right...........you're a man...........I'm just going to come out and ask you for your opinion on this particular issue.

I've moved in with my partner (his house) and it's been six months of living together. He's a bit of a hoarder (you may have seen my other thread on this). I 'detest' having alot of stuff around that never gets used for anything. Whenever I try to make headway into his 'stuff' he always seems to manage to re-clutter whatever areas I have de-cluttered. It's just his nature as it is just my nature.

How much is reasonable of me to expect that things should change in my favor? I should also tell you that I don't think I can live with clutter of any kind. Now....before I moved in......it was my understanding that he wanted to de-clutter as much as I did so I didn't come in expecting to change things without discussing it with him first. He has alot of stuff and everytime we go through some of it he talks about how he is sentimentally attached to it. I'm also reluctant because it is his house.....not mine.

Thoughts?

[rwyatt365]

First of all, let me say that it is unreasonable for you to EXPECT things to change in your favor. You can possibly DO things to HELP them to change in your favor, but your expectation of change is not reasonable (no matter what your partner said pre-move in – us men will agree to anything to have a lady move-in with us…fact of life).

What you must do is train your man in a non-obvious, unobtrusive way. If you do it forcibly you will only have a reluctant, and recalcitrant partner.

Your partner has become habituated to clutter, he does not even recognize it as such. To him, that is the “landscape” of his house. You must associate “order” with “reward” in his mind. The trick is to do it without him even knowing it.

Find the messiest room in the house, make that your “love-attack zone”. When he enters that space, suddenly you are the woman of his dreams (or as close as you can manage ;) )in that space. But then (and here’s where your manipulative evil genius comes into play), you can’t proceed with your love-attack because you are distracted by the clutter. “Honey, your robe draped over the back of the chair is really distracting to me. Could you hang it up so I can give my FULL attention to you?” Suddenly, a hung-up robe means a more attentive partner. Don’t go any further! Don’t press your luck. Just go on, and make it worth his (and your) while.

The next day, do the same, but expand your scope. Before it was the robe, now it’s the socks and pants. Next time, it’s making the bed (“Clean sheets and a tight comforter really turn me on”). Keep going until the whole room is spotless. To him, the “ice queen” (aren’t all INTJ women “ice queens”?) is succumbing to his charms. To you, he’s cleaning up his home. It’s a win-win situation.

My wife has learned to put dishes in the dishwasher and clean the bathroom using this method. Tomorrow, the kitchen!!

Is it manipulative? Of course! Do I care? Not one bit!

[vaguely dissatisfied]

First of all, let me say that it is unreasonable for you to EXPECT things to change in your favor. You can possibly DO things to HELP them to change in your favor, but your expectation of change is not reasonable (no matter what your partner said pre-move in – us men will agree to anything to have a lady move-in with us…fact of life).

What you must do is train your man in a non-obvious, unobtrusive way. If you do it forcibly you will only have a reluctant, and recalcitrant partner.

Your partner has become habituated to clutter, he does not even recognize it as such. To him, that is the “landscape” of his house. You must associate “order” with “reward” in his mind. The trick is to do it without him even knowing it.

Find the messiest room in the house, make that your “love-attack zone”. When he enters that space, suddenly you are the woman of his dreams (or as close as you can manage ;) )in that space. But then (and here’s where your manipulative evil genius comes into play), you can’t proceed with your love-attack because you are distracted by the clutter. “Honey, your robe draped over the back of the chair is really distracting to me. Could you hang it up so I can give my FULL attention to you?” Suddenly, a hung-up robe means a more attentive partner. Don’t go any further! Don’t press your luck. Just go on, and make it worth his (and your) while.

The next day, do the same, but expand your scope. Before it was the robe, now it’s the socks and pants. Next time, it’s making the bed (“Clean sheets and a tight comforter really turn me on”). Keep going until the whole room is spotless. To him, the “ice queen” (aren’t all INTJ women “ice queens”?) is succumbing to his charms. To you, he’s cleaning up his home. It’s a win-win situation.

My wife has learned to put dishes in the dishwasher and clean the bathroom using this method. Tomorrow, the kitchen!!

Is it manipulative? Of course! Do I care? Not one bit!
Well........even if I was that good of a manipulator (which I'm not). It's much bigger than you think (the clutter I mean). This is an issue about a truckload of his stuff......most (not all) of which has been crammed into places and spaces where they are not visable to the naked eye, but leave absolutely no room for anything that does need to be put away. I don't think I'm willing to do that much love-attacking. And knowing him, the space would be de-cluttered for the duration of the love-attack and then magically re-cluttered when the lovin' was done. He'd probably start cluttering more things in anticipation of this new game.

[rwyatt365]

Oh well, I tried! :undecided:

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Thank you for your effort.

[Dreamer]

What worked (at least partly) for me was stress inoculation. It helped me understand a lot of the mental processes that my mind went through and how to deal with this "inner voive" that overanalizes everything.

Recognizing when your mind might slip into irrational negative taughts is imho the first step to replacing them by something more rational and positive.

The situation always look at lot easier from the outside, when you are not the one actually feeling the pressure and your perspective is perfectly rational. In retrospect,I find that many stressful situations that I went through were objectively a lot less worse than what I was perceiving when I was in the middle of it. It may also be your problem,your stress is MAYBE self-induced.

Otherwise, having a plan(or at least some kind of loose doctrine) and knowing where we are heading and how we will get there is a must.

Having confidence in oneself also helps of course.

[nightengale]

here's what i do- I'm the ultimate procrastinator. because i know i can get away with it and still get 4.0s...so i put things off till the VERY end, and crash EVERY time. Past problems usually come up again, like cutting and eating disorder stuff. I'm emotional. cry. It sucks.

And just as quickly, it's over :)

So what I found that helps is taking walks, turning up the ipod music and NOT THINKING AT ALL. Seriously. Don't think. It's all the thinking that makes you stressed anyway.

annnnddd it would be probably less stressful if you don't procrastinate!! :P

[DeadSpace]

Stress...everything gets filed according to whether i can do something about it or not. If i can't, no reason to worry, so i don't. For the things i can change, find a solution, do it, no more worries. If i'm as prepared as possible...no reason to obsess to the point of stress over anything. Taking a step back and looking at issues from a detached perspective, analyzing what can be done or not tends to eliminate all stress. Even applies to things that take time, i can't change how long something might take...so no reason worrying about when it might happen. Change what i can, don't worry about what i can't change. Learn the difference, works for me ;D

[mabts]

The Serenity Prayer is the INTJ motto for sanity.