Faking emotional outbursts

[Haphazard]

I tend to get unconsolably upset even though I know I can stop at any time, and I let myself get that way because it actually gets things done. If I approach something rationally and try to explain my problem, I know that the urgency of the problem won't be understood, and will likely even be ignored unless I throw a fit.

And the worst part is, because I'm a girl, I can get away with it.

Nobody can tell when I'm deliberately throwing a fit or have actually snapped because of reasons that have been going on for a very long time (Like many INTJs here, it seems, I'm a tonne of dynamite with a mile-long fuse.)

I know it's extremely emotionally manipulative, but it works. What am I supposed to do?

[Clancey]

I tend to get unconsolably upset even though I know I can stop at any time, and I let myself get that way because it actually gets things done. If I approach something rationally and try to explain my problem, I know that the urgency of the problem won't be understood, and will likely even be ignored unless I throw a fit.

And the worst part is, because I'm a girl, I can get away with it.

Nobody can tell when I'm deliberately throwing a fit or have actually snapped because of reasons that have been going on for a very long time (Like many INTJs here, it seems, I'm a tonne of dynamite with a mile-long fuse.)

I know it's extremely emotionally manipulative, but it works. What am I supposed to do?
I remember being a child and making myself cry when our dog got hit by a car (she was fine after they splinted her leg) because my much more highly emotional sister was crying her eyes out which made me feel as though I couldn't love my dog as much as she did. So I MADE myself cry! Now I've come to realize that being pragmatic and quote "unemotional" which isn't true, is the way I am as much as her tears are the way she is. So as far as faking emotions to get what you want--I don't mean to be unfair but it smacks of as you said manipulation. And is that really how you want to live your life? Just wondering.

[Jgib5328]

I tend to get unconsolably upset even though I know I can stop at any time, and I let myself get that way because it actually gets things done. If I approach something rationally and try to explain my problem, I know that the urgency of the problem won't be understood, and will likely even be ignored unless I throw a fit.

And the worst part is, because I'm a girl, I can get away with it.

Nobody can tell when I'm deliberately throwing a fit or have actually snapped because of reasons that have been going on for a very long time (Like many INTJs here, it seems, I'm a tonne of dynamite with a mile-long fuse.)

I know it's extremely emotionally manipulative, but it works. What am I supposed to do?

Stop yourself from doing it. It doesn't seem like an INTJ type of thing. Its rare that I ever feel strong emotion and it is even rarer that I ever express it. Learn how to keep your cool.

[Haphazard]

I remember being a child and making myself cry when our dog got hit by a car (she was fine after they splinted her leg) because my much more highly emotional sister was crying her eyes out which made me feel as though I couldn't love my dog as much as she did. So I MADE myself cry! Now I've come to realize that being pragmatic and quote "unemotional" which isn't true, is the way I am as much as her tears are the way she is. So as far as faking emotions to get what you want--I don't mean to be unfair but it smacks of as you said manipulation. And is that really how you want to live your life? Just wondering.

It does smack of manipulation. But I've found that it's the only way to get through school bureaucracy.

I've had an extremely tough month, so it's been so much easier to make myself cry than usual. I'm thinking it will probably go away after things cool down...

I have to say that physically I feel all the emotional things. Dizzy, nauseated, sweaty, feeling unable to move, but I don't think that emotionally. I don't understand why, and I keep getting the feeling that I'm getting sick.

[spiritdetectivegirl]

I know I've done it, but that was before I found out that it was my personality to be unemotional to most things. I'd fake emotional outbursts to seem normal and fit in so to say. I felt like a outcast enough already, I'm homeschooled and don't get out to much, I like it but I thought I was acting on my temporary isolation; not my natural behavior.

Now that I know that about my personality, I don't fake my emotions anymore like I once did. I used to think that me being myself was not normal, seeing as my mother is a E and or F type and my father is an intj, I speculate, and my mother had always ridiculed him on being so distant at social events and outings. And I was raised mostly by my mother and grandmother, seeing that my parents were separated for a while, up untill I was 6. But it's not like it stopped there; even though they're back togather she still sees him "un-fun" when it comes to those sorts of things.

And if it's school pressure related I understand fully what you mean, I was pulled out to be homeschooled for a few good reasons. But I say try not to force your emotions to much to offten, it can cause uneeded stress and sickness; I used to get terrible headaches after I'd force myself to cry, so crying is alright once in a while, just forcing it may lead to conditions and problems you don't need; and who wants that?

[integratedvelocity]

I sometimes fake emotions, but more often than not, friends will think that I am sad or morose when I am really just being introspective. For example, in high school, I had a friend who would occasionally be very insulting. Because I knew what he said wasn't true, I would just ignore him and usually not even get angry. However, he thought that I was being quiet and sulky because he hurt my feelings. This was usually good for an apology and a less confrontational lunch period than usual. Is it manipulation if I let people think that they upset me when I couldn't care less? I would think so.

[Haphazard]

The point is not that I'm faking to be socially acceptable, it's that my school is more likely to listen to a hysterical teenage girl than somebody actually willing to talk things out.

It's counterintuitive, I know, but I've found that's how my school works most of the time. And it's absolutely ridiculous. I know it's disgusting to do this, but the school's bureaucracy doesn't have any of my sympathy.

Although, I really do think I'm starting to get sick over all of this. That's probably reason enough to stop right there.

[Latte]

Deceiving others for the benefit of oneself while not hurting them and being completely aware of it?

To be honest, i do this myself sometimes. It's the only thing that works in cases, or the only sure thing. Most people simply do not see the presented information as what it is, and are more likely to be swayed by the way the content is presented rather than the content itself.

It's lame, i know. But that's people. One can ignore it out of protest and act like one really is, or one can turn it all around and use the obstacle as a tool. Fight the current or use it to your advantage.

As long as you know how you really are like inside, you are still "true to yourself". If that worries you.

[Zilal]

I do think that sometimes an emotional outburst is the only way to get through to people who just won't listen when you speak to them calmly. But I don't think I could do it in real life. I don't think I could fake it well enough. It'd just come out cheesy.

I have, however, used it online. When disagreeing with someone who was making ridiculous accusations didn't work, I've acted all offended and hurt... which does tend to work. It's like some people won't take notice until you let your "human" side show. (Even if you're not really offended, heh.)

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Once you start faking that..... you never know what you'll start faking next.

[vkut79]

"Like many INTJs here, it seems, I'm a tonne of dynamite with a mile-long fuse."

That's funny, and probably true.

[ElstonGunn]

Setting ethical considerations aside for now, I do think that there is an admirable pragmatism about faking emotional outbursts. You know what needs to be done to reach the goal, and you're able to convincingly pull it off. It's problem-solving and strategy, which are both good skills to have.

On the other side of the ethical question, the school's administration isn't being particularly fair when they ignore reasonable questions or discussion and instead, pay attention to (and assumingly, reward) the people who go into hysterics.

But I'm not sure if I can blame them too much for doing that. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I certainly wouldn't enjoy dealing with a student who's throwing a fit. It's like a hostage situation. Just give 'em what they want so they'll go away.

It would be good if you could say to them, "Hey, you know, it's kind of dumb for you to favor irrationality and ignore people with reasonable concerns." I don't know if you've tried that, but my cynical hunch is that it probably wouldn't work too well.

If throwing a fit is what you have to do to get them to listen to you, then maybe you should just jump through their hoop. I do think it's dishonest, though. You have to ask yourself whether it's worse (both morally and practically) to put on the act or to be ignored.

[umop_3pisdn]

If throwing a fit is what you have to do to get them to listen to you, then maybe you should just jump through their hoop. I do think it's dishonest, though. You have to ask yourself whether it's worse (both morally and practically) to put on the act or to be ignored.

I agree. I find it to be more of a grey-area. It would depend on what one's long term goals are... but for many people (INTJ's included) gaining an education and/or credentials can be kind of pivotal to one's long-term plans.

Education systems can be really indifferent about their students, at times. For instance, the administration at the Univerisity I attend generally seem to be more focused on more capitalist type shit like Research and Development, and how many engineering/whatever students they can bid off to the oil companies and shit. I find it all fairly disenchanting... so I, personally, really wouldn't feel bad at all if I manipulated them to gain an additional advantage within the institution that I feel my future somewhat hinges upon. I know they really doesn't care about much more than tuition fees, anyways. At least, as long as I'm not sacrificing my integrity too much to get it, I'm okay with the idea....Though to be honest, I think my sense of "integrity" is a bit more flexible than the average INTJ. If something/some one/ some situation annoys me, or acts as a (uncaring) obstacle, I tend to abandon all ethical responsibility at the drop of a hat. Not the best trait to have. I think it means I can be kind of prone towards bitterness, or being contrary or something. Not the most enlightened perspective for me to have, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

But, it's not like you're using emotional tools to manipulate individual people for personal gain or to fill an inner void or something. That I would consider to be "bad" or unethical. Not even so much because it's deceptive, but because it's a temporary, generally ego driven tendency. Say if it's to gain a sense of power over others, or something. It's like a self-prescribed addiction that tends to kind of kill one's spirit, and thus to me seems in opposition of a more genuine happiness, or whatever. The school thing, however, seems much more innocuous to me. Like at worst, you probably have not so great work/study habits (I would assume, I don't really understand the nature of the problems you have with your school, to be honest). It's not like you're one of those emotional vampires who feed off the energies of others so they can fill some shallow little hole inside their soul, or something like that. At least, I don't think that's your intention. Though I think my understanding into your situation may be somewhat lacking.

I'd just go with my gut on it. If it doesn't bother you, I wouldn't say it should bother you. If it does bother you, maybe find other avenues that don't require you to sacrifice your integrity, because in that situation it probably wouldn't be worth it.

edit: As for me, I don't think it's the greatest skill in my repertoire. I'm pretty decent at faking pleasantness/sociability, or aloofness when I want to be left alone, but beyond feelings like that, I'd probably just embarrass myself should I try.

[Antares]

I can fake it better nowadays. I remember at my grandmother's funeral, I tried to make myself cry because everybody else was doing it (I don't know about anyone else, but it seems to me that it's sort of compulsory to cry during a funeral); but the tears just wouldn't come. I can fake crying these days, but I find it hard to stop once I do. Even when I was crying, I wonder what the heck I'm being emotional about, since I feel quite calm inside.

[NeonTetra]

Faking emotions...hmmmm.

This is somewhat of a catch-22 for a feeler. Yes, I fake emotions for the same reason why you all have listed you do. How often and in what situations is it necessary for me to fake emotions? I can be an emotional charlatan at work. I don't want to be but I feel pressured to care when women bring in their babies and I'm supposed to coo over them, or to pretend to be saddened by someone retiring and give that overwrought "we'll miss you!" speech, or laugh when I'm having lunch with some of the banal people I've ever encountered in my life. I have faked emotion over death and about seeing people I know I'd never see again that I was reasonably close to. Generally, I don't feel it necessary to fake emotion very often because I mostly feel what I express and express what I feel. I fake emotions when it's expedient to do so at work and in the public arena.

I try to never fake emotion with people that I care about. It allows dishonesty and artifice to enter into the relationship. When I'm with people that I care about, I'd like to think I'm able to lower my guard and be free. I don't like walking around with armor on because I don't want battle fatigue. I am particularly sensitive to emotional manipulation and worry about the ease which I feel I can get played. I don't know if I'm easily played or not, but I think I am which makes me paranoid and distrustful. For example, I've been thinking that my boss is purposely complimenting and praising a coworker in front of me in order to create competition between the two of us and make me more productive. I don't know if this is an accurate perception or not but it's what I feel is happening and it has worked a little. :(

I have noticed that some people have the ability to alter the emotional temperature of their environment. This is most marked in their presence or absence; the atmosphere in a place feels different. Some people when they're not around, it feels empty and missing. When they come back everything it feels like sunshine is back. These people are the glue that holds a family or organization together. Other people when they're not around it feels like a dark cloud has drifted away and light is finally able to shine through. These are the people that destroy and wreak havoc and when they're gone people can finally get some peace. Most people have neutral presences and I wouldn't notice if they were gone for months because they don't exude anything. I don't mind this ability if it's used to create harmony. Too often it's used to create conflict and to control people by intimidating through emotion. I think thinkers and feelers use this mechanism equally, but differently. My sister, who is a thinker, has explosions of anger that she's admitted in the past are just theatrics to get people to leave her alone. My boss who is a feeler, uses her emotions to keep people (or me) on their Ps and Qs by never stabilizing. She's not emotionally constant enough to pin down so I always have to be on the offensive and figure out what mood she's in today and how to approach her. That's emotional manipulation by cloaking yourself.

So basically I don't know if this was any help for you, Haphazard. These are my experiences maybe you can glean some advice from my ramble. :)

[Haphazard]

I think most of the hystrionics are for the attention of a teacher or administrator to fix what the hell is wrong with the damn school system. Sometimes I have more success than others.

There's so much wrong with the school system that my theatrics aren't going to change anything substantial. But maybe they can make school a bit easier.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

It's funny.......I don't know why, perhaps it has to do with my upbringing or something, but I refuse to fake anything. It's almost as if it's detestable to me, but I can't figure out why. It's definately one of those visceral, emotional things that come from the reptilian part of my brain. A conditioned revulsion for sure. Anyone else get this sort of feeling?

[futureperfect5]

... ...

I know it's extremely emotionally manipulative, but it works. What am I supposed to do?

Yesterday, I was online for a few hours ... I saw the title of this thread and could not imagine the point of it.

:embarassed: Frankly, this is even worse than I had expected.

The most bothersome part :scared: is your conclusion. "It works ..."
Is that your analysis? Short-term thinking at best.

What you are doing, miss, is feeding your ego and making your teams or employees dependent upon you -- just like controlling parents in the home.

With this approach, the rooms won't get cleaned until the screaming start. You'll have a "get away with it" mentality.

No ownership
No initiative
No proactive behaviour

Personally, my idea of Hell. :knife:

:idea: Maybe you could stop the micro-managing and let your group grow up as a team of individuals who have something to offer.
I read a book on power plays once that actually suggested creating this kind of emotional dependency.

[Jgib5328]

It's funny.......I don't know why, perhaps it has to do with my upbringing or something, but I refuse to fake anything. It's almost as if it's detestable to me, but I can't figure out why. It's definately one of those visceral, emotional things that come from the reptilian part of my brain. A conditioned revulsion for sure. Anyone else get this sort of feeling?

I hate faking too, it seems too unbecoming of me. I always see when other people being superficial and it disgusts me, I see through it every time. I'm not one to sugarcoat something or try to manipulate someone unless I really have to.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I hate faking too, it seems too unbecoming of me. I always see when other people being superficial and it disgusts me, I see through it every time. I'm not one to sugarcoat something or try to manipulate someone unless I really have to.
Yes......but I like to know why I feel something so strongly. It's not like I think there's no place for dishonesty in the world. I can't help but think it must have something to do with the manipulative aspect of faking. Or perhaps it's a control issue?

[Richard0612]

Personally, I can't fake emotions well at all, and have no desire to do so, if people will not listen to rational thought, then it is their problem. Your school should listen to all problems, not just those that result in an outburst. After all, if a problem is solved early on, it stops it developing and potentially getting worse. It is far easier to stamp out a fuse than it is to contain an explosion.

If your parent(s) feel the same way, then maybe you should all talk to the Head about it. Someone somewhere came up with a very bad way of managing problems!

[Haphazard]

What you are doing, miss, is feeding your ego and making your teams or employees dependent upon you -- just like controlling parents in the home.[/I]

I have no teams or employees dependent on me. All I have is a dense, dense, dense bureaucracy to get through, more often than usual now, and they don't listen to sane people.

These people are apparently my 'betters', and even if they're competent themselves they're working in a system that's fundamentally flawed and it just gets worse as you go up in the school system. And that's disgusting. We are not a team. I'm a subordinate, and sometimes I need to be heard. I've just found that this is one of the easiest ways to do it.

[NeonTetra]

...Maybe you could stop the micro-managing and let your group grow up as a team of individuals who have something to offer.
I read a book on power plays once that actually suggested creating this kind of emotional dependency.

I see this happening all the time. It's not only emotional dependence, it's knowledge dependence. I've seen people control who has access to how to do things in the office; don't share/teach how to do XYZ tasks so it keeps their job secure, basically keeping other people in ignorance so they'll remain on top. And when they leave no one knows how to do anything and they are hired back as consultants who come in twice a week with the same pay.

I have no teams or employees dependent on me. All I have is a dense, dense, dense bureaucracy to get through, more often than usual now, and they don't listen to sane people.

These people are apparently my 'betters', and even if they're competent themselves they're working in a system that's fundamentally flawed and it just gets worse as you go up in the school system. And that's disgusting. We are not a team. I'm a subordinate, and sometimes I need to be heard. I've just found that this is one of the easiest ways to do it.

This is just like when I worked in retail and customers would be dead wrong, come in a make a big hullabaloo, threaten to call the district manager and headquarters and they'd walk out with coupons and discounts out the ass simply because they were banking on people getting so embarrassed at their conduct that they'd do anything to get them out of the store. It's very effective, so I can't blame you for using it.

It may be the easiest thing to do but you're wrecking your credibility with others and demeaning yourself in the process. You're getting short term results. Don't think someone hasn't caught onto to your MO. These must be pretty impressive and intimidating displays if they work as well as they have.

I think you said you're a high school student? What kind of bureaucracy are we talking about here? Are you throwing tantrums to get the grades you want, certain classes, or educational tracks? Besides the short term effect, how do you envision these tantrums as beneficial? Do you think they make your teachers view you as a mature and thoughtful young lady or are you the spoiled brat that they hate to see coming? If you don't care about what kind of image you're creating for yourself then think about the negative emotions you're creating in yourself and those around you to create these displays.

I really can't see that there aren't ANY reasonable people in administration at your high school. One of the reasons why anyone who is reasonable being receptive to your complaints could be because of your history of tantrums. They could view you as recalcitrant because of your behavior and not very willing to help you. In these cases, your reputation proceeds you and it will make people more hesitant to take you seriously which makes you resort to more tantrums. Maybe you should humble yourself and apologize to them for you past and make it clear to them you've amended your ways and want to positively move forward. Then chill out for the remainder of the school year (May or June?) and come back new and improved after the summer break.

It would really help to know what your complaints are against your school administrators so we can figure out which ones a reasonable and can be addresses. Ask for a meeting with those who you've had the most conflict with and see if this can be worked out for the most pressing concerns. If the system is fundamentally flawed are you in a position to change it yet? If you're just beginning your high school years then you've got 2-3 more to make a difference. If you're a senior then you're about to leave so don't take on the stress of trying to change things.

[Haphazard]

I think you said you're a high school student? What kind of bureaucracy are we talking about here? Are you throwing tantrums to get the grades you want, certain classes, or educational tracks? Besides the short term effect, how do you envision these tantrums as beneficial? Do you think they make your teachers view you as a mature and thoughtful young lady or are you the spoiled brat that they hate to see coming? If you don't care about what kind of image you're creating for yourself then think about the negative emotions you're creating in yourself and those around you to create these displays.

Most of my complaints have concerned a certain phobia of mine and not being able to get around it in so many situations. The only way to convince people that I'm actually deathly afraid of blood and gore and needles is to throw a fit, otherwise it's unbelievable.

I don't care about grades or classes or educational tracks. I have all I need for that. They find my behavior strange and because the administrators only see me as extremely phobic and having really good grades, they ended up recommending me to professional help, because obviously they aren't going to do anything that will let me stay in classes that have a couple particularly triggering parts.

After I'm triggered, I usually know I can try to stop but I choose not to. I've tried to explore the depths of what they can do about certain required videos and blood drives at the school but I've mostly found them completely ineffectual. I know that if I throw a fit I can at least get out of class for that particular part.

[NeonTetra]

Most of my complaints have concerned a certain phobia of mine and not being able to get around it in so many situations. The only way to convince people that I'm actually deathly afraid of blood and gore and needles is to throw a fit, otherwise it's unbelievable.

I don't care about grades or classes or educational tracks. I have all I need for that. They find my behavior strange and because the administrators only see me as extremely phobic and having really good grades, they ended up recommending me to professional help, because obviously they aren't going to do anything that will let me stay in classes that have a couple particularly triggering parts.

After I'm triggered, I usually know I can try to stop but I choose not to. I've tried to explore the depths of what they can do about certain required videos and blood drives at the school but I've mostly found them completely ineffectual. I know that if I throw a fit I can at least get out of class for that particular part.

Oh, this makes more sense now.

This for a biology class where you have to do a dissection or watch one? It's strange that there aren't alternatives for people who object to participating in dissections. If you have strong adverse physical reactions to gorey material then the school should provide an alternative for students. I know when I was in high school biology, chemistry, and physics were mandatory science classes but students that wanted to be excused from the less pleasant aspects of biology had other ways to earn credit for that particular segment, although they usually entailed more work:thumbsdown:.

Maybe you should take their advice and get a doctor's note about this so you can be legally excused? Have your parents gotten involved? Is there a school district protocol for handling cases like this? I guess I can partially see their POV, but not the insensitivity. If there are several classes that you need to be excused from because of your phobia it may create a resources hardship at the school, it really depends on how the school is set up to handle this (and if this is a common enough problem that they have a plan in place). I think they should try and be reasonably accommodating if your phobia has caused several emotional outbursts and has a legitimate phobia fueling it.

[Haphazard]

Oh, this makes more sense now.

This for a biology class where you have to do a dissection or watch one? It's strange that there aren't alternatives for people who object to participating in dissections. If you have strong adverse physical reactions to gorey material then the school should provide an alternative for students. I know when I was in high school biology, chemistry, and physics were mandatory science classes but students that wanted to be excused from the less pleasant aspects of biology had other ways to earn credit for that particular segment, although they usually entailed more work:thumbsdown:.

Maybe you should take their advice and get a doctor's note about this so you can be legally excused? Have your parents gotten involved? Is there a school district protocol for handling cases like this? I guess I can partially see their POV, but not the insensitivity. If there are several classes that you need to be excused from because of your phobia it may create a resources hardship at the school, it really depends on how the school is set up to handle this (and if this is a common enough problem that they have a plan in place). I think they should try and be reasonably accommodating if your phobia has caused several emotional outbursts and has a legitimate phobia fueling it.

I ended up getting out of dissections by throwing fits on dissection days and I actually did pass out with a video, which did worry some of the teachers. For health class (which was mostly propoganda anyway) I did get a doctor's note, but in this class it was a particularly insensitive teacher who would give extracurricular descriptions of particularly nasty sports injuries. The only part I was excused for was actually the least gory part of the entire class. I was continually sent to the scheduling counselor, and the only thing he can recommend is taking the class the following year or summer school, which, well, how is that supposed to help at all?

They've continually acted as though they've never seen this before or that nobody's ever complained. I have a hard time believing this. On top of that, they've continually been ineffectual. At times it's made me honestly want to drop out of the school for being so ineffectual about the issue, and I continually feel that I've been wronged by the system. The only way to get through to them is throwing a fit, and even that has limited success.

[futureperfect5]

I have no teams or employees dependent on me. All I have is a dense, dense, dense bureaucracy to get through, more often than usual now, and they don't listen to sane people.

These people are apparently my 'betters', and even if they're competent themselves they're working in a system that's fundamentally flawed and it just gets worse as you go up in the school system. And that's disgusting. We are not a team. I'm a subordinate, and sometimes I need to be heard. I've just found that this is one of the easiest ways to do it.

:thinking: as a last effort at being heard, I would be understanding of it.
It isn't like I haven't been there -- in the frustration of not being heard and red tape:yuck:.

I worked with a woman once who wore micro-minis or see-through blouses along with forgetting her underwear ... She got a LOT of attention. All I could do about was sit back and watch:popcorn: the movie. She usually got her way and was most often incorrect in her suggestions which were pursued.

[PolecatEZ]

In Romania and Ukraine, emotional outbursts are an expected way of doing business. Its silly, but it gets results.

[Haphazard]

In Romania and Ukraine, emotional outbursts are an expected way of doing business. Its silly, but it gets results.

Perhaps it's in the blood, then. I'm about 95% Eastern European descent.

[Tenacious B]

Andrew Jackson also would fake outbursts to get things done. I remember reading about a time he exploded during a meeting of some sort (cabinet maybe) which caused everyone to scurry away and carry out his orders. He then turned to the remaining confidant and said (paraphrasing since I can't remember it) "ha, and they thought I was angry".

I've also faked some emotions here or there to fit in and not seem so cold, but only a few times. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm as emotional (outwardly) as a brick, so they don't expect great tears or jumping for joy. Around others, say if someone gets some bad news (dead relative etc) I'll say a quick condolence with an attempt at a sad voice. That's about all I can muster though.


I hear you on the ball of red tape that is academia...I'm glad to be almost done with it.