View Full Version : Depression, Anxiety.... life in general
09-29-2007, 06:30 PM
before you read this note that i am really confused at my own situation and if my story comes off as confusing i apologize, im not the best writer.
I had taken a myers brigg test or whatever a long time ago and took it recently and came up with being intj. Im really confused person right now though. Currently im struggling with depression, anxiety, and feel i will never be able to be satisfied in life. Im looking for answers and even though i know for some reason that your responses are going to do nothing to help me (as i feel my mind is already made up) im gonna ask anyway. Basically this is a synopsis of where i am today and how i got there. For the longest time, i believe i lived just to please my mom. My mother is asian and of course wanted me to be a "doctor or lawyer". Since i was smart (compared to my older sister) she had high hopes for me. I attended a Catholic school from kindergarten to 8th grade so i basically knew everyone in my classes for a long time. Now its really hard for me to remember, but I know that i was a popular kid for some reason and people naturally liked me i think. I didn't have to try really hard to make friends, they were just there if that makes any sense. When i got into highschool and didn't know anyone besides the few people that came with me from my old school, i began to feel some awkwardness around people (this later, much later i would recognize as social anxiety). I can remember times before school if i was early i would wait in the bathroom for the bell to ring because i was too scared to go into the cafeteria where everyone waited. Or i would sit in the library messing around on the computer. It is also at this point where I became aware of social groups, and i didn't seem to fit into anyone of them although i longed to be. I played basketball because i thought if i was on the team people would like me or i could make friends there. But my social skills were never there since i was naturally liked back in the day. Even so, i concentrated on school because i wanted to get into Duke University a life long dream. Anyways, I graduated and didn't make it into duke and started to attend UNC- Chapel Hill. Here again, I thought i could start anew and make friends etc. It was also at this point i started smoking weed because it was a way i could connect with others and make friends (note during all this time im still intj inside). I did fine my first year although i always credited it to easy classes. Summer came and i got caught with weed which started to stress me out becuase i thought if my parents found out they would disown me ( my mom that is) and since i was over 18 the cops didn't tell and i kept it under wraps. The start of my sophomore year I thought i could handle many activities and i drastically overestimated. My mother, always being stingy with money, influenced me ( and even now its gotten to the point where i worry about petty things like buying a snack at the gas station which costs more money than if i went to a grocery store). There was this computer program at our school that basically was a job that you helped people out with their computers and in return the school would pay for your housing...of course i wanted this to save money. On top of school, which btw i was taking biology because my mom wanted me to be a doctor, for some reason wanted to play basketball. If you don't know about UNC-CH... its where Michael Jordan played basketball. They have a JV team which is coached by roy william's assisant. Like dean smith coached jv before becoming a head coach. Anyways, i thought that if i played i could make friends blah blah blah. I tried out and made it which was an huge accomplishment to many that knew me but at the same time it was like having another job with practices everyday and games. So i was juggling school, a job, basketball, and life. Basically, I was so tired some days that i couldn't make it to my 8 oclock class nor study because sometimes i would just fall asleep. Towards the end of the semester i began to realize that i was probably going to fail, something i never had done before, and it was way to late to drop the class. On top of that, UNC randomly drug tests one athletic team and our JV is included since it was sanctioned by the NCAA. I had quit smoking for a couple of months while playing but one weekend decided to get high. That same weekend we got drug tested (worst luck because out of any team at unc they chose us). So, now i was worried about failing (knowing i would), worried that i was going to be kicked off the team (as well as there is a NCAA rule that says my coach would have to inform my parents and i was worried that they would find out) as well as started to realize the anxiety that i had around other people. I finished my exams and went home...
i remember distinctly one day my dad (intj) brought me home and i told him that i didn't feel i had any interest in life. That winter break was the worst... When i was starting to get back to school, something inside broke and i just started to cry and worry about school. I worried about not being able to schedule my time, i thought there wasn't enough time in the day to do everything, i worried that i wasn't smart enough all of a sudden ( and still do now). depression had settled in. I had to withdraw because i felt so bad. i started to see an psychiatrist ( which i thought wasn't helping and she was only doing it for the money) and take anti depressants. i really didn't see much improvement except for the fact that i wasn't inclined to cry. Everything still seemed like blah and i was still ambivalent to everything. It was only until i went out to lunch with a friend of my moms. For the first time in a while i actually sat there and enjoyed her company, i wasn't worried about "am i enjoying this" i just did. And i felt great after that. After a couple of months still on medication i stopped. I took two summer courses at school to try to catch up a bit. I registered for this fall and class began. I was sitting in a Computer science class which i had taken the prerequisite for over the summer and didn't under stand a word what was going on. It was then the anxiety started to creep back and the depression set in again. I had to drop to parttime now and even now i feel as if things are way to hard. I have started taking my antidepressants and just feel the same way, ambivalent to everything.
I don't know what my question is but have you guys ever seen an intj personality who hates being that? I think thats me. Like im so jealous when i see others out with friends having a good time and especially when i see other guys with girlfriends. Its not that im ugly, quite the opposite. I've had many a time where girls come up to me but the anxiety and everything... leads to nowhere. And college just seems extremely hard all of the sudden. I hate my dad in the sense that he is intj, an extreme loner. In fact, i believe he wasn't suppose to get married, just got lucky. Basically he put an ad in a newspaper which was replied to. I hate him just because he gave me his personality. I don't really know what im saying here but im having a struggle with myself and life sucks. In one sense i think im an intj, but i see others with friends just enjoying themselves and long for that. But i know thats never going to happen. Even at home, since my sister left for grad school, its me and both of my parents. I feel so sorry for my mom because at dinner and stuff, we are completely silent because of my dad and i. that bothers me partly because that must be so boring for my mom and because i wish for some reason i wasn't the way i am.
I don't really know how you guys are gonna respond but god life sucks, if i could kill myself i would but im too scared of death. Im scared of growing old, im scared of being lonely all my life. Like everything was going pretty well (at least academically) and then all of a sudden my life's crumbled.
09-29-2007, 08:23 PM
Well, I can only from what you said and what I interpret from it, so here I go:
First of all it seems that no matter what you do you take a negative view on the outcome. Why? Lots of things go wrong in life, but thing can go very unexpectedly right. You say that you will never get lucky only puts you in a place where you are unlikely to take a good opportunity.
You say that you can never enjoy the moment like your friends? Why can't you? No one is stopping you. An INTJ may enjoy different things and express it differently, but we can enjoy the moment like anyone else. I, for one, really like a job well done. When I look at a finished piece of work, I enjoy the fact that I made it. However, INTJs most (in general) get joy out of acknowledgment. Not compliments per se, but people acknowledging an INTJ's intellect or works.
I would highly recommend that you make up a list of everything that you've done that you feel a sense of accomplishment over. It doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be detailed. It should just remind you that you did these things. Also, you should make a list of things that you are good at; things that you can take pride in. Why? Because these things form the basis of your utility. These things are your toolset that you use in the world, and knowing what they are will show you what you can do.
Also, you need to understand something: First and foremost, only your opinion should matter. At the core of everything, an INTJ cannot let themselves be contorted into a mindset of another type. I'm afraid that's what may have happened to you. You should figure out what you think. Did you want to be a Doctor? Or a Lawyer? Or a Cook? A Engineer? What is it that you love to do? How can you transform that into something that you can be proud of doing?
After you have figured out what you like, you can add in others opinions, but these only matter to you as much as you care about these people, but not so far as to hurt yourself. If you love your Mom and she loves you, then you should both understand that you should what is best for you.
As for your Dad, I'm sorry that you two are at odds. The fact that you both are INTJs should be a great help, not a hurt. I don't know your circumstances, but I think it would be a great help to you if you could pick his brain. Not necessarily as a father, but as an older INTJ; almost a mentor. Ask his opinion on a topic, how does he resolve it? Offer to him how you would resolve it. Have a cordial debate about something; nothing that would lead to further estrangement, but something that would allow you two to better understand each other and at the same time, yourselves.
Everyone worries about the future, but the future is many many days, weeks, months, even years away. I'm 23 and I'm looking for my first "real" job. I want to move in with my friends in the next few months. I'm not anxious about it, but I'm trying to work towards it. Does it matter if I do or not? Hell yeah. But it's not the end of the world if I can't. It's simply a divergence in the road of life. Will I ever move out? I would think so. How and what the circumstances are, I don't know, but at the moment, it really doesn't matter. Will I ever find a girl for me? I would like to think so, but I have no idea how. But that's okay. Why? Because I have no perceivable control over how it will happen from. I can make choices where I am right now that may or may not effect it. I don't know. For all I know, I'll meet her tomorrow. I just don't know. But for me, it more important that I'm balanced right now, then to overly worry about things coming around the corner. Do I worry about things coming around the corner? Yeah. I also worry about things that may drop out of the sky. But I know that I'm at least somewhat prepared for it when the time comes.
Just remember, all you can effect is the right now. Every decision, every choice leads to another. If it's good now, but not good later, and you know that, then you need to choose which is more important.
Okay, I'm done as an INTJ.
As a Christian (and if you dislike this, too bad.) I have this to say:
Life is full of hardships for everyone. It's full of unfairness and cruelty. Even in the bible, it says "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45)
Basically, life won't treat you differently depending on your deeds (However, people will.)
Also "11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13) If you take this with a grain of salt, then that's your decision.
But, as a Christian and an INTJ, I would implore you to consider looking on the bright side and strive forward in a manner befitting someone who is strong of mind and great in ability.
09-29-2007, 08:47 PM
I feel your pain. I remember going through some rough patches that sounded a little bit like all of this.
It got really bad for me. Still does sometimes, too. Instead of contemplating suicide or anything like that, I contemplate the destruction of my own system of utlitarian ethics which would, in essence, turn me into a terrible monster of a man.
Your going to hate this, but there are only two things that can be said. Don't take these bits of advice as simplifications, either, but think about them very hard:
Go with the flow.
Making these two things your mantra, and actually INTUITIVELY believing it, will not only make you more intelligent and rational, but will make you able to enjoy your rationality so much more than you have.
Aside from a general philosophy, take things like T.V. out of your life. You'd be surprised at the amount of underhanded "BE LIKE THIS, WE ARE RIGHT" themes are implicit in pulp media. It ain't good fer ye!
09-29-2007, 08:49 PM
Also, as controversial as this may sound, really think on whether or not you want to be on antidepressents. Normativity is relative; the world wants to make you into a proper worker, they do not wish to see you happy. Sadness can be a great tool and driving force in a meaningless life.
09-29-2007, 08:57 PM
The feeling of being worthless and not fitting in affects everyone, and the way you respond to it defines who you are going to be. Perfection is hard but if you can muster the will to chase it then you should find things starting to fall into place.
I know I'm misunderstood by everyone around me but I embrace it and use it to shape my surroundings and define my world. I guess this is the curse (and the salvation) of the INTJ, you have the ability to reason and see the implicit nature of the world around you, break it down and put it back together with chilling accuracy and it can be scary for yourself (and others when they see it).
Just understand you need to work harder than everyone else and you won't be appreciated verbally, you can only see the way you change other peoples lives. In return for your hard work you will gain something more than simple pats on the back - you will gain understanding of completeness (something that no other type has the ability of doing).
And one piece of advice - INTJ's are better in environments that they can really relate to and become passionate about. If you don't like biology then try mixing up your subjects and find out if it is the best path for you to take.
09-30-2007, 07:32 PM
Some people get very happy when they go and buy freezies on a hot day, talk about Paris Hiltons latest media gaff, or meet a whole bunch of people for the first time. This was never me... I could never relate to why most people did certain things. I think it's because of the way I think; I simply will look at something and deconstruct it. For most things, this results in: "So that's it?" Ie: Ice and sugar water? A blond bimbo? More boring people I have to deal with? Some people would say you should smell the roses along the road of life. But what if you're allergic to those roses, or they give you headache? What's one to do...
I think Lisa Simpson summed all this up pretty well: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Depression is around on my mom's side of the family, and it's something that I've always had to deal with. I've never had to end up on anti-depressants, but at times I probably could have been. I've never really been able to iron out my purpose in life, which isn't very comforting. My solution to this has been to set up goals for myself. You had a goal for yourself, which was to go to Duke. I'll bet life was a lot better then, when you had that goal. You should have goals for yourself now, and ones you can reach. Like what career you want to aim for, conquering social anxiety, or traveling to certain countries. Do everything you can towards these goals. Even if you don't make them, you can still have pride in knowing you tried your best. Without goals, you have no purpose and you'll drift pretty aimlessly. One of my goals has been to improve myself relentlessly. I take pride in what I am capable of, and I strive to be more capable and accomplish more.
I also had a similar problem around people in high school. It was no where to the point of hiding from them, but I had a real difficultly talking to others I didn't know so well. My biggest problem was that I could always feel them judging me, which I really didn't like. Kids at this age are very insecure and will judge others constantly to compensate for that insecurity. My solution to this was to become apathetic. I would guess a lot of INTJs are very apathetic to what others think of them which causes others to see them as arrogant. However, apathy is very useful. If people don't like how you think or act; tough. These people (and the world's full of them) generally aren't worth my time. Having other people's judgments affect me negatively made me very angry. I'm not going to be afraid to be in public or talk to others just because someone is looking down on me.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that this is coming from an INTJ. It's meant for another INTJ as are most (if not all) of the responses in this thread. Some answers you gave in the MBTI test may have been skewed by anxiety and depression and you may actually be another type. I'm not saying you're not an INTJ, as I really don't know, I'm just saying be careful. Trying to be something you're not is never a good thing, and would only lead to more problems. Take and use the advice that you think suits you (irrelevant of MBTI) and drop the rest. Good luck sir.
10-01-2007, 09:57 AM
Hey man, it sounds like you've got a lot going on and I'd listen to what Guido says ;
Take and use the advice that you think suits you (irrelevant of MBTI) and drop the rest.
For my part, I'd like to touch on something you wrote that strikes a chord with me;
I don't know what my question is but have you guys ever seen an intj personality who hates being that? I think thats me. Like im so jealous when i see others out with friends having a good time and especially when i see other guys with girlfriends. Its not that im ugly, quite the opposite. I've had many a time where girls come up to me but the anxiety and everything... leads to nowhere. And college just seems extremely hard all of the sudden.
Many years ago, in college, I used to hate myself like you say. It was my freshman year, my high school sweetheart had gone nutzo and run away from home (and me), I had no friends, I was intensely introverted and excruciatingly shy around girls. When I'd see others, and how easily they struck up friendships or girlfriends, I was jealous of their "skills" and "good fortune". The question always in my mind was, "Why do THEY get all the breaks and I get nothing except this funky personality?!" Basically, I wanted to stop being me in order to get "the rewards".
So (for a while) I practiced real hard at being "someone else". I developed a whole different persona – a mask that I put on every day as I left my room. And for a while it worked. I became the life of the party, in fact I WAS the party! And it was good – for a while. But then I met someone that I really liked (loved?) but I couldn't be "me" because that's not who she liked, that's not who she wanted. So I became two people (just shy of a split personality); one that was "Mr Cool" and one that was the real me. I became a closet INTJ!
One day I asked myself, "How long can you play this game? How long can you keep up this charade?". The answer was, "Not much longer". It is too hard to be something other than what you are. Whether that be an INTJ trying to be something else, or something else trying to be an INTJ. Stop and examine what you REALLY like to do, how you REALLY feel about things – not how your emotions, or circumstances are leading you to feel. If you are truly a 'Rational' then you should be able to do that. If you are truly an INTJ then you will do that, understand what needs to be done, and formulate a course of action to make it happen. IMHO drugs will only dampen your mind and distort your thinking. Sit down, remove yourself from the maelstrom as best as you can and use your head to find the solution that works for you.
10-05-2007, 08:44 AM
I can tell you that my college experience was extremely similar to yours. (INTJ, obviously.) I was a double-major in biology and chemistry, carried multiple jobs, and basically imploded at one point. You won't believe it, but I felt the same pressure on my mind that you're feeling, and sought therapy. I soon discovered that someone who is a little dim can't really help an INTJ battle demons.
First, you should know that it does get a little better over time. I still battle much of what you're describing, but you'll find that things start to improve when you get into the workforce. Namely, college is a sheltered, simplified system that requires mindless discipline and industriousness. It can be a lot of fun, but it's mindless just the same. Anything mindless is not an INTJ strength. Once you're in a job, you'll find that you excel past others with little effort, so little that you won't really understand why people are so taken with your work.
I suspect one of your major problems is that it seems you've selected a lot of your responsibilities to please others. INTJ's aren't exactly renowned for being able to throw ourselves into something for which we lack interest. You might find things go a little more smoothly if you summon the strength to just reject things (as much as you can) that don't interest you.
INTJ's may be loners, but that doesn't mean that we end up married by mistake. I can't speak to your parent's marriage, but INTJ's are really quite good at one-on-one relationships. I have a number of extremely close friends. However, you'll typically find me with no more than two of them at a time. Maybe that's considered anti-social, but I really don't see the point in large social group. The conversation can't be controlled and nothing gets done. Again, I sort of approach this on my terms.
You're going to have to make a number of compromises in life that aren't going to please your personality. Recognizing that, it's pretty important to establish where you're unwilling to bend. Life is going to make demands on you, but that doesn't always mean you have to meet them.
Killing yourself is not the answer, and I think you know that. Your fear of death may be real, but I also think you've got something inside you that knows better, and that's good.
I wish I could tell you not to be so hard on yourself, but that's silly. You're going to be hard on yourself, it's going to make you a better person, and others are going to wither in your shadow someday because of it. You probably don't believe that now, but it's true.
My bet would be that once you get out of school, you're going to find that being an INTJ isn't the curse some people like to suggest. Frankly, I am extremely pleased with some of the progress I've made and see much of what I used to feel plagued by as irrelevant. Most people, including the ones in social groups that you feel squeezing you, are trivial and obsessed with the banality of life. You're going to get to go beyond that, and you're not going to look back with much longing.
Hang in there. Keep posting, it might help. You're among your kind here.
10-07-2007, 05:36 PM
if you are seriously considering suicide it is time to see another medical professional
it took me a while to understand that it is more important to be happy than to be right
we only get one shot at life...
don't throw it away...
as antisocial as i am it would depress the hell out of me to hear you took the cowardly way out
do NOT consider suicide as a serious option
life is too precious and your experience and contribution to it can be profound
see another medical professional; getting lost in nature does wonders for my sense of wellbeing
10-15-2007, 08:17 PM
Trust me you don't want to end up like Cho Seung-Hui [VA tech shooter]. But, I always wondered what is his Myer's brigg personality type. Could someone take an educated guess, what is his personality type?
I can definitely comment on this, I am an Asian guy who is definitely an INTJ. I understand your pain, along with the Asian social pressures. Life does suck in that end, however its not all that bad. The sad part is that no one really understand you; here is the question you should be asking yourself: Is being unique a bad thing or a good thing? Being a unique and being a smart individual is a positive thing, losing someone who is highly intellectual is one of the worst thing to lose. Yes, the social skills will lack, does that mean that life continue without an end. No, it does not because from time to time as you said it, "You managed to gained a few friends who somewhat understand what are you talking about." In life's journey is the big mystery really in finding someone will mentally speak your language. Eventually, you will find it; this does take time, I can see you are patient enough to wait this long.
I hope this really help answer your true questions. Managed to construct the event when I was like that too. Not a good feeling, but the thing of it all is that you are able to think outside the box and entered new boundaries making you soar. From what I've read, thats what you wanted to achieve is it not? So be the way as you are; don't change, be different and stop being homogenous. Life needs change and you can do it. Ignore those people who thinks your weird; they don't know you life we do in here INTJ. One thing for sure is that you will become successful, INTJ's thinks alot about everything, I can tell from your writings.
As you mentioned about you just broke out crying; I can see how that is, INTJ personality will build up all the F, to the point it will break. Its ok and natural because you often times don't used your F side, but surpressed it, eventually you are letting it all out. We lack the F side is because we love and yearned for a companionship.
As for your dad[intj], well put it this way; something you kinda underestimated. Your dad will listen, trust me everything and every word. Just because he will srug at you is a sign showing that I do understand you. Remember, INTJ's are not too touchy feely; so maybe this is why you kinda felt disconnected and anti-social with father/son relationships. INTJ is clear as a whistle, we just tend not to show it, thats all. But, pay attention for somme eye-contact it does show signs of acknowlegement.
Let me know, if these are the answers you were looking for.
02-16-2010, 07:50 PM
If you are still alive,
1. Know, you are not depressed.
2. You just lack a SYSTEM to deal with SOCIAL ENVIRONMENTS.
3. Some kids learn to be social early - in kindergarten.
Since your MOM stressed school so much, you just never assimilated that system early in life.
Instead, you concentrated on books & theoretical knowledge.
4. Since you didn't learn SOCIAL skills, they NEVER BECAME A PART OF YOU, like it is with other people.
5. So every time you make 1 social mistake, in general, or with women, you feel DUMB.
This makes you RETREAT.
Because it APPEARS to you as if you FAILED at something.
And you are NOT USED TO FAILING.
6. Hence, the feelings of sadness.
7. What you don't realize is that you just lack the ROAD-MAP.
Nothing is lacking in YOU, you just don't have the correct BLUEPRINT for making people UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT FROM THEM.
8. THERE IS a SYSTEM of dealing with social situations (and women).
It's called Social Dynamics. Read "The Mystery Method" and the book called "The Game" by Neil Strauss.
Since you never learned these skills, LEARN THEM = the CORRECT STRATEGY to show people what you want from them, and, most importantly THAT YOU WANT THEM IN YOUR LIFE.
It's not too late. USE the science of Social Dynamics to get those social skills and to integrate them into your approach to the world, people, and women.
As a side note:
I can relate - I was a total nerd for as long as I can remember. I always looked around at popular people and envied them. I FULLY realized this for the FIRST TIME when this one day, I was riding in the back seat, with my parents driving - and a cool convertible red jeep pulled up with girls & guys of my age who seemed to be having the time of their lives (heading to the beach, or something). I felt so terrible, because I so wanted to be like them. Yet I saw no way to be. [Now I know that I wanted to be a part of that not because I liked people, but because I was enamored with the IDEA of popularity.]
I was an straight-"A" student until Junior year of college. Then I received a "C" on one paper and MY ENTIRE WORLD CRUMBLED. Because ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE was EVERYTHING to me up to that point.
AND UNTIL I DISCOVERED THE MYSTERY METHOD, and learned how to make people like me, I thought there was nothing left for me in this life.
Your mistake is:
1. You are full of love, but you do not know the CORRECT WAY to communicate your wants.
And that is why, even though you are essentially, an attractive guy, and girls DO approach you, you make 1 mistake and end up feeling rejected.
Solution: Learn the correct way to COMMUNICATE, instead of GOING ABOUT IT IN THE WRONG WAY. LEARN SOCIAL DYNAMICS.
2. YOU deal with life as if it is REASONABLE.
Realize, people are EMOTIONAL.
Learn to CONNECT with them on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL.
Realize that most people have friends BECAUSE THEY LIKE THOSE PEOPLE and WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. And NOT BECAUSE they want to have friends (girlfriend) for the sake of "HAVING FRIENDS" or "HAVING a GIRLFRIEND" - as an IDEA in and of itself.
Realize, ONE CAN'T WANT PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE ONE WANTS to MAKE THEM FIT INTO ONE'a WORLD. That is selfish. People will FEEL this, and AVOID you. You gotta want people just because you want THEM, and for NO OTHER REASON.
Use SOCIAL DYNAMICS to learn the CORRECT WAY TO SHOW them YOU CARE and, to, simultaneously PROTECT your own EGO from MUCH un-needed pain.
02-16-2010, 08:23 PM
Just because one test said you were an INTJ doesn't mean that you have to live within certain parameters. We're not all the same, thankfully, and we all have different limits. I used to be more extroverted when I was younger, but have changed as I've grown older.
College is a fun time (not that I would know too much about that, because I know exactly the anxiety you're feeling about going out with friends), but you just have to open yourself to the experience.
And as for suicide. It's a drastic measure, and there are far better ways to spend your life.
You haven't wasted your life! You are still young and you have a whole world out there to explore. You fell into a hole, and it's a deep, dark, pot-filled hole, but you can get out of it! Anti-depressants never worked for me, nor did therapy. I just had to realise what I was living for, what I would lose out on if I copped out.
You don't have to be a genius. You don't have to be a millionaire. You don't have to live your parents' dreams. It's your life, you need to take charge. Just because you're an INTJ doesn't mean that you have to be alone and give up. Look at all of us here on this forum!
Grades don't equal happiness, and a college degree doesn't guarantee a happy life. You can always go back to school. Right now, you need to find yourself and find some hope. (And maybe kick the smoking habit.) This is a rough patch. Don't give up now.
Trust me, it's worth it to fight through the muck.
02-16-2010, 09:10 PM
Here is a thread where others on the forum have answered my question which you may find similar to yourself. I especially liked Seducer's post which I found to be precise and conscise. I printed it off and chased down some the books and other ideas. Also started going on long bike rides, starting off at 20 mins, now its at over 1 and a half hours, each time I try to get a bit further and see a bit more of the city and surrounds.
Also, it might help to know that your parents did the best they could with their limited resources and upbringing, just like you are doing your best now. But they may not have had the advantage of the vast amounts of information that we have. Which reminds me, for any question you have there is an answer either inside your own mind, or inside someone elses mind and on the web.
What do you like doing?
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02-16-2010, 09:27 PM
I have suffered from depression my entire life, it runs in my family, back several generations. It sucks. And it can make life harder than it is for others. It can make socializing more difficult not just because you feel sad, but because it can numb your "recievers". It can make it more difficult to understand those subtle, non-verbal cues that people give off.
I take meds, will take them for the rest of my life. It took several tries to find the right drug. I also had 2 years of therapy. You know what I learned in therapy, that I am OK the way I am, I am acceptable and loveable, and I am not crazy. Yeah, there was other stuff, but this is what I feel the most. It was worth every minute.
Living for Mom. I come from a very old fashioned, traditional family. My job was to get married and have babies. Well, it took quite a while to get there and I felt like a disappointment to my family for years. I felt like a failure, I mean, I couldn't even get a guy to marry me. You have to grow into your own dreams, develop your own path in life. Ok, Mom wants a doctor, but do YOU want to be a doctor? Do you know what you would like to do? Remember, Mom won't be in the doctor's office with you every day, she won't be doing that job, so you have to find what YOU want, what will make YOU happy. This is a process, it takes time. Don't create conflict with your Mom on this, as you get used to the idea of finding your own path you will be able to talk with her about this without blowing up. Will Mom be disappointed, sure. Life goes on, she will get over it, and you don't need to have a career you hate.
High school was terrible for me, too. I was shy, short and well, high school was not my most attractive period. I didn't fit in, even with the kids I had gone to school with my entire life. I wanted to, but I didn't understand how.
The communication skills, the social skills are LEARNED skills. You are not condemned to a miserable life, you can learn these skills. It will be a bit hard for you, but you will get better. Probably, you will never be the life of the party, but that is OK. INTJ's have trouble learning these skills. We also tend to have a few close friends rather than being a social butterfly. Some of us are rather serious and that can come off as angry or distant, but again, we can learn how to present ourselves in a way that makes others more comfortable. Yes, INTJ's can be a bit odd, and we are a rare personality type, but we have some advantages, too. Generally we make decisions based on facts rather than emotion (like going to UNC because it is a good school rather than because you like the school colors). We can also be flexible, based on facts; if the facts change, we can go with the changes. Some of us are "smarter than the average bear"; brain-type achievements sometimes come easier to us, we can become intellectually bored more easily than others, but that just means that we keep learning our entire lives.
You already have several achievements! Good grades in high school, attending University of North Carolina, made the JV basketball team. Sounds pretty well rounded in the accomplishment department. Sometimes INTJ's don't appreciate our own accomplishments, it's as if we say to ourselves, "that wasn't so hard, so it is no big deal, nothing to be proud of". We have to work on this because we can be too hard on ourselves.
We have quirks. We have to work on those quirks, but we also have to accept ourselves as we are. Others may not understand us (just found out that a family member of mine 'doesn't understand me') but we have to learn to be strong within ourselves-know that you are doing the right thing, making the right decisions. I will never be the bubbly-outgoing person that my daughter is, and it would be really nice to have a bit of that bubblyness, but I am OK just the way I am. People who are mean to me because they don't 'get me', are jerks and they need to go away.
Hang in there, it will get better. You can fix some of this yourself. Study others, talk to close friends, practice, practice, practice. Practice making eye contact, practice smiling and making eye contact in the bathroom mirror - yes - in the mirror until you feel you can do it in public. Start by learning how to say hello to others, just a normal, day to day greeting, hello. In public, mentally talk yourself thru this and when you get it right, be happy with the accomplishment.
Life really is worth it. God made you for a reason and God does not make mistakes.
02-16-2010, 10:47 PM
I am sorry you have had such a time. I have had a bad run myself, and it seems I am only now cleaning up the pieces and setting things right. For myself, I believe my problem was/is a lack of self direction. I was raised to follow orders without thinking. This caused conflicts, but eventually it grew to be natural. I got to college and it started to unravel. I kept trying to fit myself into a mould set by everyone else, tried to be the perfect student, perfect room-mate, and perfect son. I became paralysed with fear of doing something wrong, couldn't sleep. Worst part was, I could see my life going down the tubes, it was like watching it happen on TV, but not being able to stop it. It took me a while, but I eventually realized all my problems were caused by worrying about what other people would think of me. But these people did not have to live my life. Why should I care what they think? Since that realization, I've become more calm and able to figure out what I want and work towards achieving it.
I am not sure how much your situation mirrors mine, but you seem to have a similar problem. First of all, there is the major. Pick something you are fascinated about and want to learn more of. Do not become a doctor unless you want to learn how the human body works and take pleasure in fixing it.
Then, there is the social front. This caused me a great deal of anxiety and unhappiness, because I joined groups I had no interest in, and tried to maintain friendships with people I had no common interests with, and no appreciation for them as people either. Don't do this. The best friendships seem to arise by accident. Indeed, the only true friends I've made at college are ones I just ran into and clicked with.
As to girls, don't get a girlfriend because you feel obligated to by society. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I'm not saying go be a hermit, but you don't need to rush out and play the dating game because everyone else is. My family wants me to to be more outgoing and get a girlfriend. One day I will, but I'll do it when I am ready, and when I do, I'll probably keep it secret from them as long as humanly possible. The only person who should be concerned with your love life is you. Don't push yourself until you are ready. If you do start going out with someone, just have no expectations and let the relationship grow naturally.
You are really the only person who can give your life clarity or serenity. Decide what you want in life, truly decide, sit down and think long and hard about what you like and what you want. Give no heed to the input of others when deciding this. You alone can set meaningful goals for your life. The input of others is only useful for achieving life goals, not setting them. Don't stress about age or being alone. You are young, you have plenty of time to figure things out and make friends/find a significant other. Do not be worried because everyone else seems smarter or ahead of you in some way. This isn't a race, and you are not everyone else. You also do not know their troubles. They likely have problems too, just in different areas from yours, or are good at concealing them. Life is hard, there is no way around it. But nothing lasts forever, that is a misfortune for good times, but a blessing for bad ones. Hang in there, I hope you are able to get your life in order soon.
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