Why do you love me?

[AliciaS2R]

“Why do you love me?” Why does he have to ask this? Why don’t I have an answer, when he can list off so many reasons? I could repeat what he says, but then I think I sound like a copycat and redundant. We’ve been together ~27 years, married 24. Things have not always been easy, we have had our ups and downs. We both work at keeping the relationship alive. Sometimes, I feel I say more by not saying anything ;)

[vaguely dissatisfied]

It is my belief that each of us experiences 'love' differently. What I need and want from my partner he, in turn, does not neccessarily need and want from me. I guess I believe that if I love him, then I will find out what he needs and wants and I will endeavor to provide it and vise versa.

With this in mind, if my partner needs or wants me to tell him why I love him, then i will go off and figure out why I love him and then I will tell him. That doesn't mean I want him to reciprocate, however, there are things I want from him that I don't do for him in return because he doesn't really care if I do these things or not.

[JTG]

Needing a reason to love somebody sounds shallow to me. Maybe i'm just a cynic by now, but i think if you have to justify such an emotion, it takes away from the purity of it. Might as well say "i love you because i'm scared to be alone" because that's what it always sounds like to me when people have to have reasons to love. Especially frustrating is somebody expecting you to inventory your emotions like that. I know i can be cold and mechanical, but i'm still a human being.

I'm not saying anybody who gives a reason isn't sincere in their love. If i go into my reasons, it's usually things i love about said person, or things that have helped to bond us, but the love itself needs no reason.

[Violet]

“Why do you love me?” Why does he have to ask this?

Why indeed? The question itself seems like a set-up for failure, of course I don't know your situation, but the only 2 ways I could ever fathom me asking that question of anyone is if I was looking for specifics, with which I see at least two issues off the top of my head
1) of course they could not provide specifics without being a mind reader
2) they are looking for a fight

The second possible reason for asking that I can think of is validation.

In the latter case if the relationship is in such a state that I need that type of shallow validation it, for me, would be cause to rethink what I was getting from the relationship. Love just is.


Needing a reason to love somebody sounds shallow to me. Maybe i'm just a cynic by now, but i think if you have to justify such an emotion, it takes away from the purity of it. Might as well say "i love you because i'm scared to be alone" because that's what it always sounds like to me when people have to have reasons to love. Especially frustrating is somebody expecting you to inventory your emotions like that. I know i can be cold and mechanical, but i'm still a human being.

I'm not saying anybody who gives a reason isn't sincere in their love. If i go into my reasons, it's usually things i love about said person, or things that have helped to bond us, but the love itself needs no reason.

QFT

[dandylion]

Sometimes, I feel I say more by not saying anything ;)

Ever heard the song "More Than Words" by Extreme? It seems fitting here. ;)
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[Alpha Prime]

Needing a reason to love somebody sounds shallow to me. Maybe i'm just a cynic by now, but i think if you have to justify such an emotion, it takes away from the purity of it. Might as well say "i love you because i'm scared to be alone" because that's what it always sounds like to me when people have to have reasons to love. Especially frustrating is somebody expecting you to inventory your emotions like that. I know i can be cold and mechanical, but i'm still a human being.

I'm not saying anybody who gives a reason isn't sincere in their love. If i go into my reasons, it's usually things i love about said person, or things that have helped to bond us, but the love itself needs no reason.

Having no reason may be enough of an excuse, but when we get to the bottom line, it is much more complicated than that.

[Jerry]

Just tell him "Because you're there."

[AliciaS2R]

He is able to put his thoughts and emotions into words much easier than I can. When he asks me why, I turn the tables and repeat the question back at him. His response is what he loves about me. He has been insecure at times over the years. I have never been able to express my emotions the way he does. I love him because I do. I have thought about the question and the answer. The thought/emotion of "love" is a jumbled up montage of emotions/pictures/tastes/textures/sounds connected to meaningful circumstances and times in our lives". Not easy to put into words.

My deepest thoughts are processed in the core of my being and I do not share them/expose them easily or willingly. I have not joined yet in many of the conversations here either because someone else has already said near to what I was thinking and I hate to sound like a "me too" or I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words the way I want.

[rwyatt365]

Some people are able to verbalize emotions and “states of being” (like love) easily, others are not. By now, in your relationship (after 27 years), I would have thought that the two of you would have come to an understanding about each others capabilities, and worked out a way to communicate that is acceptable for both of you. I’m not surprised that you haven’t though. Some people are unwilling, or unable to recognize differences in others, or accept the fact that those differences are valid and “core” to the other party.

Loving someone “because I do” is something that I understand very well. I struggle with conveying that concept in my own relationship. The only thing that I can suggest is that you try to “educate” your partner about the reality of your way of thinking (as contrasted to his) and hope that one day he wil get it.

[BlueTopaz]

Hmmm, ever seen the play "Fiddler on the Roof"? Seems the same sort of question comes up. The answer was along the lines of "after 27 years how can you ask me that question?" That would sort of be my reaction too. Sounds like an insecure question. If you've been with him that long I'm sure you understand his insecurities and how best to reassure him. Sometimes (even after 27 years) some people just need reassurance.

[blueeyedsusan]

Why do you love me, hmm, let's see what to do. Look at him and start mentioning physical and emotional traits you do like and end up saying "and you are good in bed" That will end that discussion fast, you bypass his brain and go straight to what really matters to him. He will believe you because that's what he really wants to know anyway, and that is are you attracted to him?

[AliciaS2R]

Why do you love me, hmm, let's see what to do. Look at him and start mentioning physical and emotional traits you do like and end up saying "and you are good in bed" That will end that discussion fast, you bypass his brain and go straight to what really matters to him. He will believe you because that's what he really wants to know anyway, and that is are you attracted to him?

:thumbsup: You're probably 99.99% right, Thanks ;)

[acyckowski]

:thumbsup: You're probably 99.99% right, Thanks ;)

Speaking from the Y-chromosome perspective, I'd say it's more like a 110%. Lie all you want, it's okay, we want to believe.

Now, if your man doesn't shut up after that, I can't help you, he's acting like a chick.

No offense, ladies.

[Jenny Penny]

I would be inclined to say that he is insecure in your feelings for him. I know I felt that way many times in my past relationship and was afraid of a breakup or infidelity.

[Santana28]

" I love you because i first loved myself, and I am a better person because of it."

of course, if that isn't the case... reevaluate.

[blueeyedsusan]

Speaking from the Y-chromosome perspective, I'd say it's more like a 110%. Lie all you want, it's okay, we want to believe.

Now, if your man doesn't shut up after that, I can't help you, he's acting like a chick.

No offense, ladies.
but INTJ women don't act like your stereotypical chicks, DUH (LOL)
That's why I said what I said about how to answer your partner when he asks that question. It solved the problem and once again life becomes easier.

[Mountain Lion]

Just imagine your life without your husband and think about the reasons why you would rather be with him then stay single. Occasionally, my girlfriend and I do this exercise together. It's important to remind each other the fundamental reasons why we chose to commit to our relationship so we don't forget our obligations... vow renewal, if you will. One chooses to love a person because they receive something valuable in return.


Personally, I would not commit to someone who is not self-aware enough to verbalize the reasons she appreciates me. You are lucky that you are in a relationship with an individual who is willing to tolerate that.



Why do you love me, hmm, let's see what to do. Look at him and start mentioning physical and emotional traits you do like and end up saying "and you are good in bed" That will end that discussion fast, you bypass his brain and go straight to what really matters to him. He will believe you because that's what he really wants to know anyway, and that is are you attracted to him?
I find the suggestion and its implications detestable, to put it mildly.

[AliciaS2R]

I find the suggestion and its implications detestable, to put it mildly.
Really? I found it quite humorous... I took it as a toungue in cheek response, lighten up.

As for the rest of your post, if our relationship had been all wine and roses maybe it would be a lot easier to do that. It hasn't, we have both worked at balancing out ourselves to make our relationship stronger. One of the things that I am currently working on is verbalizing my emotions instead of keeping them in. I see in many places on this board people talking about similar issues. In that respect, I believe that "Why don’t I have an answer, when he can list off so many reasons?" is a valid question.

[Mountain Lion]

I don't find gender prejudice humorous... nor do I appreciate being told to lighten up about it.

[s23]

It sounds to me like you've already defined your circumstance of love with this person - it's wrapped up in a collage of sights/sounds/tastes, etc connected to meaningful situations over a lifetime. (paraphrase not exact) That sounds like a beautiful description of love. Can you find a way to put more specific descriptors with each sense and/or situation that you have in your memory and perhaps attach it to a picture or some form of media. It sounds like you are already well on your way to knowing what your love is, but that you may need to write it or make an actual collage if you are not comfortable expressing it orally. He would then have a keepsake that could potentially be framed and could see it daily as a reminder.

[AliciaS2R]

Speaking from the Y-chromosome perspective, I'd say it's more like a 110%. Lie all you want, it's okay, we want to believe.

Now, if your man doesn't shut up after that, I can't help you, he's acting like a chick.

No offense, ladies.

So, this is OK...

Why do you love me, hmm, let's see what to do. Look at him and start mentioning physical and emotional traits you do like and end up saying "and you are good in bed" That will end that discussion fast, you bypass his brain and go straight to what really matters to him. He will believe you because that's what he really wants to know anyway, and that is are you attracted to him?

But this is not??


Personally, I would not commit to someone who is not self-aware enough to verbalize the reasons she appreciates me. You are lucky that you are in a relationship with an individual who is willing to tolerate that.

I find the suggestion and its implications detestable, to put it mildly.

I don't find gender prejudice humorous... nor do I appreciate being told to lighten up about it.

Personally, I find your attitude to be biased and selective. If you are not going to give a meaningful answer to my question, then go insult someone else.





AliciaS2R added to this post, 0 minutes and 58 seconds later...

It sounds to me like you've already defined your circumstance of love with this person - it's wrapped up in a collage of sights/sounds/tastes, etc connected to meaningful situations over a lifetime. (paraphrase not exact) That sounds like a beautiful description of love. Can you find a way to put more specific descriptors with each sense and/or situation that you have in your memory and perhaps attach it to a picture or some form of media. It sounds like you are already well on your way to knowing what your love is, but that you may need to write it or make an actual collage if you are not comfortable expressing it orally. He would then have a keepsake that could potentially be framed and could see it daily as a reminder.

That is a wonderful idea. Thank you. :idea: :thumbsup:

[PortInStorm]

I typed up a stylized list of all the qualities I appreciated about my SJ spouse (note: it may not be the sustanance of my love for him, but what I like about him) for our anniversary one year, and framed it too. He likes me to be specific about these things, cause when I mention one of his positives and he'll say "Like what?" or "Why?" It hangs in our hallway so guests can see his great side when they visit etc (not on our front door or anything :-)

[polysylvester]

Love is an emotion. It lives in a part of the mind where words do not go.

There are (at least) five ways people express love. I don't remember all of them now, but some are:
Verbal reassurances
Doing things for the loved one-honeydews
Physical sex
Romantic sex

A person who NEEDS constant reassurance probably has underlying mental health issues that should be addressed......if you love them.

[AliciaS2R]

I typed up a stylized list of all the qualities I appreciated about my SJ spouse (note: it may not be the sustanance of my love for him, but what I like about him) for our anniversary one year, and framed it too. He likes me to be specific about these things, cause when I mention one of his positives and he'll say "Like what?" or "Why?" It hangs in our hallway so guests can see his great side when they visit etc (not on our front door or anything :-)

I may do something like that and center it around this picture. It is one of my favorites and our anniversary is coming up in May. Whenever I look at this picture I see Love.

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[szaxazs]

“Why do you love me?” Why does he have to ask this? Why don’t I have an answer, when he can list off so many reasons?
I feel I say more by not saying anything ;)

1)Since you are T and you talk about something F it's "normal" to be
confused.
Feelings are not Thoughts. Thoughts are not Feelings. Different nature.
2)It's truth that you actually say more when you say nothing.

He is able to put his thoughts and emotions into words much easier than I can. When he asks me why, I turn the tables and repeat the question back at him. His response is what he loves about me. He has been insecure at times over the years. I have never been able to express my emotions the way he does. I love him because I do. I have thought about the question and the answer. The thought/emotion of "love" is a jumbled up montage of emotions/pictures/tastes/textures/sounds connected to meaningful circumstances and times in our lives". Not easy to put into words.

My deepest thoughts are processed in the core of my being and I do not share them/expose them easily or willingly. I have not joined yet in many of the conversations here either because someone else has already said near to what I was thinking and I hate to sound like a "me too" or I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words the way I want.

Notice one more time the whole T/F thing :rolleyes:

Some people are able to verbalize emotions and “states of being” (like love) easily, others are not. By now, in your relationship (after 27 years), I would have thought that the two of you would have come to an understanding about each others capabilities, and worked out a way to communicate that is acceptable for both of you. I’m not surprised that you haven’t though. Some people are unwilling, or unable to recognize differences in others, or accept the fact that those differences are valid and “core” to the other party.

Loving someone “because I do” is something that I understand very well. I struggle with conveying that concept in my own relationship. The only thing that I can suggest is that you try to “educate” your partner about the reality of your way of thinking (as contrasted to his) and hope that one day he wil get it.

T/F again. The general idea is really simple at the end of it.

Sometimes (even after 27 years) some people just need reassurance.

IMHO you should be able after 27 years to find out by yourself whether genuine interest in each another still exists or whether you are both seeing things in a different way.

One of the things that I am currently working on is verbalizing my emotions instead of keeping them in. I see in many places on this board people talking about similar issues. In that respect, I believe that "Why don’t I have an answer, when he can list off so many reasons?" is a valid question.

Different "modes" can and do operate differently in different areas.
An F can be more emotional than T, but T can be emotional too.
A T can be more logical than F, but F can be logical too.

If you analyze all of them you will see what prevails and remains.
It's all about the T/F thing.

It doesn't mean that someone has to be T in order to be logic.
Again, it doesn't mean that someone has to be F in order to be emotional.
Its just that the T tends to be more thinking,
and F tends to be more feeling.
Both things just seem to come natural.
It's the way we process a lot of information in our brains.

An intj individual might be more "feeling" than an infj. If you take in account not just types but the whole personality as is, then you will find out that things are more complicated than you might have thought.

At the end, human personalities are something way more than 4 letters or any letters, since every single person is unique. Every person has their own special personaility type, since we are all different.

But my try to your ultimate question is that he is just more capable to express that specific part where F is needed more.
Since you are more T it's expected to be at least not as easy expressing such things as he might be, since you use mostly your thought, and when you try to express emotions with thought, strange things can happen.:rolleyes:

[Mountain Lion]

Personally, I find your attitude to be biased and selective. If you are not going to give a meaningful answer to my question, then go insult someone else.

I suggest to refrain from making and encouraging sexist comments in the future if you don't want to confront "biased and selective" attitude from people around you.

[AliciaS2R]

I suggest to refrain from making and encourgaing sexist comments in the future if you don't want to confront "biased and selective" attitude from people around you.

This thread is not about you and whether you feel a comment is biased or sexist or whatever. I will not respond to your attempts to derail this thread again. Thank you.

[blueeyedsusan]

Personally, I find your attitude to be biased and selective. If you are not going to give a meaningful answer to my question, then go insult someone else.
What I said was in part tongue in cheek. Besides not everything is so ethereal in a relationship. Sex ie: making love is a part of a healthy relationship with your mate. Your husband or wife may just need to know they are attractive to you.





blueeyedsusan added to this post, 10 minutes and 44 seconds later...

I will add one more thing, what I said, you might be uncomfortable with, but it's true. Call it a "fact of life." Your mate may just need to hear you are attracted to him. Your husband/boyfriend wants to know if there were ten men around and you had to pick one that your husband/boyfriend would be the "alpha" male you would pick to mate with.

[AliciaS2R]

I will add one more thing, what I said, you might be uncomfortable with, but it's true. Call it a "fact of life." Your mate may just need to hear you are attracted to him. Your husband/boyfriend wants to know if there were ten men around and you had to pick one that your husband/boyfriend would be the "alpha" male you would pick to mate with.

That does not make me uncomfortable. Quite often (daily +) I will randomly stop and give my husband a hug or kiss and tell him I love him. I am very affectionate with those closest to me. When we talk I tell him he is the only person I want to be with.
I think sometimes the need to be "alpha" in him may be slightly threatened by our job titles at work. We both work with people who are developmentally delayed as direct care staff. I have been there 18+ years while he has been there 4. Within the last 5, I have advanced to a middle supervisory position. He is supportive and talked me into taking the first entry level upgrade. He has worked there for 4 years and has been trying to get an advancement, however everything is seniority and test score based.

From observing him these many years, I would say the ISFP profile fits him the closest.

[Nemesys]

"Why do you love me?"

'Why' is a question that implies that a reasoned response is expected.

But love is a state of being beyond mere reason. If it's real, then it's not a result of rational choice. Yes, relationships may be initiated as a result of rational choices, but the love which sustains the successful ones is not.

So, in my opinion, by having no answer to the question, you answered it perfectly.

[AliciaS2R]

1)Since you are T and you talk about something F it's "normal" to be
confused.
Feelings are not Thoughts. Thoughts are not Feelings. Different nature.
2)It's truth that you actually say more when you say nothing.

Thank you for your explanation. Let me see if I follow you.. "Thought/thinking" is a mental language. "Emotions" are a spontaneous mental state often accompanied by a physiological response. Thinking of an event/person will usually bring out an emotion. You can use words to describe the physiological response that comes with an emotion.