Connecting with People/Sharing Personal Information

[JCrow]

I've been thinking a lot recently about how people connect, especially when they first meet. I think I've had most of my friends for a while and I kinda slowly let out personal information, to the point where some of them, who I've known for 5-8 years will say "What! how come you never told me that, What's with the mystery." Its not like I'm hiding anything, but certain things just never come up. I guess I've kinda realized I really like to connect with people in a work environment, where I respect them for they focus, drive, responsibleness etc, then slowly tell them information about myself.

Last week I was at a bar down the street, I just wanted to drink with my roommate in a quiet bar and this girl overhears our conversation and launches into a whole story about how her mother is very immature and how she has to take care of her. I was pretty shocked by how much information this girl was sharing. My roommate then shared stuff on the same topic.

When I meet new people, I tend to ask them a lot of questions and really try to figure them out. I also figure that people LOVE talking about themselves, so I just let them. I think I've seen friends try to pick up girls and my friends just end up talking about themselves nonstop and I've taken this to the opposite extreme.

My question is; Is Sharing personal information how people connect? Am I supposed to just tell people random information about myself?

[JustMel]

For some people it's how they connect. I don't share a lot in RL but most of my life is an open book. It's what made me me. People tend to respect the reasons you're the way you are more if they know the history behind how you came to be that way.

You certainly don't want to share anything you're not comfortable with until you know someone but there again you don't want to not share anything and potentially lose someone that could be an asset to your life because they don't know anything about you beyond the obvious.

[XFire35]

It's funny you should mention this, someone commented on the fact that I create a wall, which I use to keep myself from others, where I don't communicate me to other people. To be honest, I never thought it was that obvious. Even now, some of my best friends know very little, and what little they knew they have forgotten, but I like it that way.

I have trust issues. Do I wish to resolve them? Nope.

[JustMel]

It's funny you should mention this, someone commented on the fact that I create a wall, which I use to keep myself from others, where I don't communicate me to other people. To be honest, I never thought it was that obvious. Even now, some of my best friends know very little, and what little they knew they have forgotten, but I like it that way.

I have trust issues. Do I wish to resolve them? Nope.

You might wish to change that someday. That's the key. It's nice to have someone that knows you inside and out, good and bad and loves you anyway.

[SimplyOtter]

My question is; Is Sharing personal information how people connect? Am I supposed to just tell people random information about myself?

Somewhere, long time ago, I read this:

Most people talk about People
Some talk about Facts
Very few talk about Ideas

It's too bad I don't remember who wrote it, but since then, it's always been my idea of "connection"; finding somebody to talk about Ideas.

I don't think that talking about ourselves necessarily helps a real connection with the Other. It's just something that sometimes you can't help, but it's not so important after all.
If you think about it, the reason we are all here, is sharing Ideas. And this is what we like, I believe. :)

[chloey]

I cant afford to share much about myself with acquaintances because theres too much about me and about my past which is socially unacceptable. Consequently I have to be a bit like a butterfly, going from one to another and not settling for long (among groups of people, that is). For this reason I work casual and avoid anyone getting to know much about me.

[JCrow]

I'm not really hiding anything, I think I'm a pretty open book as far as facts about my life(my feelings are another story, and are rarely shared). I don't have any childhood trauma, secrets and I don't think I have trust issues, even though I don't trust many people, isn't trust is earned? I just don't force information about myself into the conversation. Maybe I should.

Simply otter, I think the idea of talking about 'ideas' relates to the INTJs hating small talk and wanting to talk about something more interesting

[lionesseyes13]

I certainly think for some people, even most people, sharing personal information is how they connect. I'll accomadate that in so far as I will tell people my age, where I am from, and some overall hobbies I enjoy doing when asked. However, I am not about to share any personal stories or personal feelings that I might have. I feel like someone has to earn my trust before I reveal anything too deep about me to them. I feel like I have a right to keep me to myself until I know that the person I will reveal myself to will value me. That is why I have only a few close friends who have been filled in about me in large, sudden revelations.

Overall, I rather connect with people over ideas, and my closest friendships usually begin when I can leap over small talk with someone quickly and start discussing a shared interest excitedly. That probably has to do with the INTJ tendency to dislike small talk, as was pointed out earlier.

In answer to your second question: I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing. I feel like you have a right to your privacy, and how much you will feel comfortable revealing will be a function of how at ease you feel with any given person in any given environment. Thus, I doubt that there are any rules of thumb for how much you should tell about yourself when you first meet people. In this, just follow your INTJ intuition:) It will lead you to friends for life, hopefully.

[Squirelznflight]

I don't typically share much. It just doesn't strike me as necessary, in most everyday cases, to volunteer information. When I feel the urge, or if I am asked, I tend to just communicate the general idea, usually within 1-2 sentences. Nobody wants to hear me go on about my life/my problems, and I don't want to relive them in the recounting. I don't want any of my relationships with family/friends/co-workers/etc. to be based on mutual crap-sharing.

I understand that disclosing personal information is a method many use to build closeness and trust, but that doesn't work for me, and doing or hearing too much of it can make me uncomfortable. I prefer to get to know a person's mind by hearing what they really think about, what they believe in and why, what ideas they find interesting, etc.

[Blse]

I personally, share quite freely when asked, or if I have a particular interest in someone, or if it is germane to the situation. Other than that I'm usually all-TCB (Taking Care of Business). When I get going or want to make a connection with someone, I'm usually more concerned about sharing too much.

Certain things, I don't share. These are things that are too dark or to which the other person would have difficulty responding (e.g. my mom's suicide when I was a kid). My social auto-pilot usually does a pretty decent job adjusting my level of sharing to those I'm interacting with.

It's an interesting contradiction with me: I'm easy to get to know (all you have to do is ask and I'll share quite freely), but hard to understand (often I have problems b/c the most accurate answer to a question would be too long).

[Brittle]

I tend to blather on about the "externals" of my life - things that have happened to me, psycho-mum, hostage situation, running off to Italy with a sailor I met in a bar... pretty much anything I consider a bit quirky or confronting. Perhaps it's that part of me that likes to take people out of the mundane to challenge them a little - how they react says a lot more about them than they probably realise.

When it comes to my "internal" world, that's when I tend to hush up a little. I don't like to reveal my hopes and dreams.... my vunerabilities. The things that really matter to me are the things I tend to reveal slowly to those I trust most.

[vash]

I find that many people use "sharing" as a way to measure themselves against others. It is distasteful behavior to me. On the other hand, if you do not share anything, people accuse you (me) of being a snob. It is indeed a Catch 22. I do not have anything to hide, but I never share details with people unless I know them well (being on-line is the exception and, even then, I do not share everything). If I must, I usually share a few non-threatening areas of my life (such as being a musician or dancer) and keep everything else private. I never tell people (other than on this forum) that I attended a school for gifted children.

[LCJ]

I find that many people use "sharing" as a way to measure themselves against others. It is distasteful behavior to me. On the other hand, if you do not share anything, people accuse you (me) of being a snob. It is indeed a Catch 22. I do not have anything to hide, but I never share details with people unless I know them well (being on-line is the exception and, even then, I do not share everything). If I must, I usually share a few non-threatening areas of my life (such as being a musician or dancer) and keep everything else private. I never tell people (other than on this forum) that I attended a school for gifted children.

Yeah pretty much sums me up. Substitute the school for gifted children with homeschooling for high school, delete the discussion about being a musician (I rarely share the fact that I am a classically-trained musician with strangers) and that is dead on. While there is nothing in my life that is traumatic or even particularly bad, rehashing all of it to people that I don't know or care about it tedious. Furthermore, they often tend to treat me like an alien and seem so "fascinated" with every aspect of my life. I don't enjoy being treated like E.T. so I just avoid it altogether.

[Aurelia]

Yes and no.

Sharing personal information is a way for people to connect but I would still be careful in what information you choose to share. There are certain things that I will not share with anyone (other than my husband) because you never know how your relationship with that person will change in the future. Should you tell any secrets, you have no control over how that information will spread especially if the relationship ends.