Father issues

[TheBlackKnight]

I think my father is an ESFJ. He read the description and asked to see what the suggested careers where, so I think he feels like it's a good enough fit.

We don't really understand each other. He wants to be in control and follow the father/daughter male/female roles, while I'm independent and don't want to follow the pre-established roles. He thinks very linearly, which I've always had a hard time dealing with. I always feel like I'm two or three steps ahead of where he is in thought process and have to backtrack to communicate effectively, which is tedious to me.

Do you have any suggestions for how we can improve communication and understanding of each other?

[WoodElf4U]

Some more info would be helpful. How old are you? Because the relationship will be different from a teen daughter and her dad, compared to an adult living on her own.

Also, can you give a couple examples of where you two have communication issues?

[DanteFalling]

I'm also interested in this dynamic. It really depends on your age and living situation.
Some ESFJs will be perfectly sedated (sorry for the horrible word) if you simply make them a sandwich and point out that you vacuumed. Simply doing something because it needs to be done often doesn't work. It's really important to make it obvious that you've "contributed."

Do you have more details?

[TheBlackKnight]

Some more info would be helpful. How old are you? Because the relationship will be different from a teen daughter and her dad, compared to an adult living on her own.

Good point. I am almost 20 and just moved in with him (not by choice) after years of not having any contact with him at all (mother's fault, not his).

Also, can you give a couple examples of where you two have communication issues?

He complains that I don't come to him with my problems or update him about things in my life (for example, job searching). I don't feel like I should need to tell him that I've applied somewhere, he should trust me enough to let me do it on my own. If I do go to him with how I'm feeling he immediately wants to tell me what to do and won't listen, and then gets impatient when I try to explain my point of view. So I end up avoiding him, which he doesn't understand. He's always bothering me to be more social and thinks there's something wrong with me because I like being alone.

---------- Post added 11-18-2009 at 07:41 PM ----------

Some ESFJs will be perfectly sedated (sorry for the horrible word) if you simply make them a sandwich and point out that you vacuumed. Simply doing something because it needs to be done often doesn't work. It's really important to make it obvious that you've "contributed."

Yeah. I just got out of a tough situation and he expects me to immediately jump into things here, and he's always complaining that I'm a burden. Which just makes me want to avoid him more, which enforces his belief that I'm just lazing around the house all day since he doesn't actually see what I'm doing.

[plotthickens]

Sounds like he wants to be involved in your life and is hurt that you're not similarly excited about the prospect. That's a toughie. Show him this thread, maybe?

Alternately, do rundowns. Make a point of every (morning or afternoon) let him know that you applied for (three) (none) (ninety-eight) jobs and that you (washed the dishes) (cleaned the cache and updated the computer) (what the heck ever). Then ask him if this is enough information for him to feel that you did not "laze around the house all day". This will help him get the clue that you don't like the inference.

Or you could just say "I'm an introvert. It takes me a long time to trust someone. You're expecting me to open up to you as I would to my best friend. I haven't known you long enough for you to be even a casual friend, and your constant pushing me to open just makes me more stubborn. What, exactly, do you want from me? Let's find a good solution that works for both of us." You'll have to be in a good mood, calm, well-stocked on alone time, and ready to compromise.

[WoodElf4U]

Well, it takes time to develop the relationship, it sounds like you two are just getting started. And at this point, you are trying to be independent, and he may be trying to be there for you.

So, try not to see it as him interfering, but offering help, even though he is not sure what you need right now. Maybe you need to find aspects of your life you do want help with, that you can share with him. You can start small, and as you two get a better understanding, you can have him get more involved in your life :)

[themuzicman]

Print out a description of the INTJ personality, and leave it where he'll read it.