Seeking advice on INTJ

[SShack]

Greetings, folks.

This is my first post: I'm an ENTP who joined specifically to get some feedback from some independent INTJ folks who don't know me about this ... thing ... developing between me and an INTJ. I want to try to figure out if I understand what's going on.

So there's this guy ... he's INTJ, very strongly, very self-identified as such (I'm taking a little risk posting here because he's so self-identified that he might be lurking here). I met him casually about eight years ago and found him rather intriguing (and hot). We lost contact and I reconnected with him two years ago. During that time he joined the Army (he's an intelligence specialist, of course) and did a tour of duty in Iraq.

He came down for a visit in December and we got to know each other better, sort of, in that NT way. It turned out that while there are some significant differences in our personalities, there a whole lot of similarities in our interests. We had interesting talks about politics (he's liberal; I'm libertarian), sci-fi, video games, economics, music, and Disney animation (we're both big fans). I found his slightly off-kilter sense of humor amusing and the quiet elements of his personality intriguing rather than frustrating. And he's smart in a way that's different from how I'm smart.

It created a weird reaction in me -- as an NT, I don't believe in stupid romantic things like "soulmates." My dating habits are a lot like INTJs (non-existent) and the whole experience threw me for a bit. (I may be E, but there's not much of a dating pool for me where I live). We talk through IMs a couple of times a week. I lent him my "Battlestar Galactica" DVDs (he missed the show, being in Iraq and all). He's going to be sending me a collection of H.P. Lovecraft stories to read. We don't actually say anything "romantic" or touchy-feely to each other, but we talk about personality types and politics and all sorts of other things. And the kind of kids we would like to have someday (despite the fact that we're both men).

So about a week ago we were chatting about my dog, a shelter dog I adopted without research who turned out to be of a breed that really needs to be around people. I was lamenting that I wasn't being a good "dad" for him because I work a lot and don't spend as much time for him as he likes. He mentions than I probably should have a roommate to spend time with him too. I mention that's probably true, and somehow (seriously, I'm not sure how this happened) he's now going to try to get stationed out here to the nearby Army post and move in with me as a "roommate." And I agreed. For the dog's sake, right? ;)

Knowing that he's an INTJ, this to me seems like a significant move for him. I realize that I've completely fallen for him, but I'm nervous about saying so to him given his introverted nature. (Also, as an NT, I'm still a little weirded out about it myself). But I'm wondering if him taking the lead in suggesting moving in with me is his way of expressing his interest in me. I'm either being completely dense or completely arrogant and I'm not sure which. The more I analyze the situation, I think it must mean an interest. Why would an INTJ give up a certain amount of privacy otherwise? He doesn't need a roommate and he certainly doesn't need to relocate out here.

Some INTJ feedback would be very strongly appreciated. The P in me won't stop trying to put all these connections together and I need more information.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Okay, first off, I'm going on the assumption here that you two are actually dating, and that you both understand it as such. You didn't specifically say so, but I'm guessing that he has demonstrated that he's into you as more than a platonic friend at some stage, right? Because if this is one of those awkward-misunderstanding-didn't-know-you're-gay things, then this is a whole different thread altogether.

Anyway, on the assumption that you're romantically involved, here goes:

As I often say, MBTI type is only one small aspect of understanding someone. But if you want my take on it, I'd say that his suggestion of moving in with you "for the dog's sake" was pretty straightforwardly an admission that he's fallen for you.

As INTJs we are often uncomfortable in dating and relationship situations, and sometimes self-preservation takes precedence over directness. We're also not wonderfully in touch with our feelings.

But it seems pretty obvious to me that if he's trying to change his whole life around to be with you that, well, he wants to be with you. Congratulations!

Now, moving in together is a big step. I'm not sure if you've ever done it before, but before moving in together, a few things you should know about INTJs in general:

We like our personal space. That goes for both physical and emotional space. We live best with others when those others respect our need for alone time and don't take this need too personally. Designate a room or area of your home or apartment as "his space" and try not to disturb him when he retreats there. It's not a rejection of you when he needs this space; it's merely a facet of his personality.
We sometimes have some "weird" quirks, like needing to alphabetize all our DVDs or to stack all the dishes in the kitchen in a perpendicular fashion. Organizing the home space is a way that a lot of INTJs assert control over a chaotic world. As much as possible, try to give him the freedom to organize the space as he chooses, especially if you're not too fussed about it, and do your best to respect that.
We can be homebodies. There will likely be times that you want to go out and socialize, and he'd rather stay home with a pizza and beer. You'll want to compromise at times, and other times, it's okay to do your separate thing, too.


With that in mind, good luck, hope it works out for ya!

[SShack]

Okay, first off, I'm going on the assumption here that you two are actually dating, and that you both understand it as such. You didn't specifically say so, but I'm guessing that he has demonstrated that he's into you as more than a platonic friend at some stage, right? Because if this is one of those awkward-misunderstanding-didn't-know-you're-gay things, then this is a whole different thread altogether.

Well dating isn't quite the right word. It's a long-distance thing. When he was down here we did intimate things I'm sure nobody wants to know about, so there's no awkward misunderstanding of that element. Don't-ask-don't-tell just isn't an issue for him because he's so introverted it accounts for his lack of relationship. But we did go to Disneyland together and he was more than happy to go out to dinner with me and some of my friends one night. I actually ended up being more extroverted with him than I normally am, honestly, because I enjoyed his company so much.

We like our personal space. That goes for both physical and emotional space. We live best with others when those others respect our need for alone time and don't take this need too personally. Designate a room or area of your home or apartment as "his space" and try not to disturb him when he retreats there. It's not a rejection of you when he needs this space; it's merely a facet of his personality.

I'm very much attuned to this idea. I've got an unused bedroom I'll likely set aside for him as his space. Okay, saying that makes me feel like I'm getting a new pet.

We sometimes have some "weird" quirks, like needing to alphabetize all our DVDs or to stack all the dishes in the kitchen in a perpendicular fashion. Organizing the home space is a way that a lot of INTJs assert control over a chaotic world. As much as possible, try to give him the freedom to organize the space as he chooses, especially if you're not too fussed about it, and do your best to respect that.

I've already experienced several of his quirks and I think they're adorable. I'm not sure what that says about me. And I'm a mess, so he can organize any way he pleases. That doesn't seem to be his thing though.

We can be homebodies. There will likely be times that you want to go out and socialize, and he'd rather stay home with a pizza and beer. You'll want to compromise at times, and other times, it's okay to do your separate thing, too.

I'm more of a homebody too. The extroverted part of me gets spent quite a bit from work-related stresses and I like coming home and just unwinding.

Thanks for your response. I'll keep this all in mind.

[colmdubh]

If he wants to move near you he likes you, as long as you don't boss him around or at least have a very well thought out reason for why he will be ok and maybe respect your strong will for it, also if he needs time alone give it to him. For an INTJ their ideas and values are held quite strongly ridicule especially not backed up with the all important why will leave you facing a sawed-off shotgun of sarcasm

[coffeeloverfreak]

By the way, I think your reaction to his desire to move near you / in with you is adorably admirable. If it were me, and I had tenatively proposed moving or changing my life around to be with some guy (even masking it with the dog excuse, which is TOTALLY something I would do), I know I'd constantly be panicking, "what if he gets scared off? what if I came on too strong?" You seem really excited about this, which is great. Just do whatever you can to reassure him that you're into the idea, and make him feel more comfortable with it. Best of luck to you both!

[SShack]

Thanks. I think I'm just going to put the whole thing out there by pointing him to this thread and seeing what happens.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Instead of pointing him to this thread (which might be a little on the awkward side), why not try just telling him straight-out what you're thinking? Or addressing some remarks directly to him? People don't generally like being talked about behind their backs on public forums, even if your intentions are good - which, I think, they are.

[ElstonGunn]

Thanks. I think I'm just going to put the whole thing out there by pointing him to this thread and seeing what happens.

I'd recommend not doing that, aw well. I'm not sure if it's an INTJ thing, but I'd toss you out of a window if you violated my privacy like that. It might just be me, though.

[SShack]

Toooooo late. Fortunately, he wasn't offended, and my understanding of what's going on is correct, which is awesome. However, indeed, to respect his privacy, I won't go any further about our discussions. Thanks so much for the feedback, though. It really helped me understand him.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Good luck to both of you!

[Uytuun]

ATo view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. you guys are happy together. :)

[Allie]

OK. I know it's all resolved, but I am so happy for both of you!!

[SShack]

Thread Necromancy (Wooo-ooooo!)

I have a reason for doing so, though, because this is the thread that first brought me here and I figured an update is in order.

I arranged my vacation this past week so we could spend time together with our dog and do other things. After trying and wimping out the last two times we got together I finally said it -- I told him I was in love with him.

Not wanting to pressure him unduly I immediately told him afterward he didn't have to say it back right now, and that I know how he feels about me. I think that's true. I'm not sure if he would go as far as calling it love just yet, but there's definitely a lot of affection. He didn't pull away at all (physically or psychologically), but didn't say it back.

And I'm okay with that. I wanted to establish with him how I feel, which was really hard for me (given that Fi falls even further down the scale for a typical ENTP than it does for an INTJ).

He's getting deployed again this fall, and I'll probably only see him one more time -- maybe two -- before then. After talking with him about his career plans, I'm going to try reversing the living arrangements. I'm going to look to transition up to his area somehow. It'll be tough given the current economy, but given that he'll be out of the country anyway and we still can't really move in together unless Obama finally takes down Don't Ask/Don't Tell, we've got time.

So anyway, thanks so much everybody for all the tips. Not just on this thread, but following you guys in other threads has really helped me understand the way INTJs approach things.