Difficulty Supporting Friends and Family Instead of Solving Problems

[starztimehalo]

I have a difficulty knowing what to say when someone comes to me with some problem in their life. Usually it is a close friend or family member so I want to be able to support them, but my first inclination is to try to develop a plan to solve their problem. If I do this, the the reaction is usually negative from them. However, it takes much effort and thought to be able to empathize with them and try to figure out what to say in order to just support them and listen to their problem. Anyways, does anybody else have difficulties with this or have found ways to better deal with these situations?

[ssfanatic]

I do have trouble with this, for the same reason. I cant empathize with these people. I need to focus on the subject of their problem. I never tell them what to do, i just try to give them information of understanding the problem.
For example, if a person is having trouble in a relationship, i will tell them why the other person is acting the way they are. They will make the best option based on facts rather than what they "feel" like doing, or at least thats what im hoping.

[Nomad]

I think that what others fail to grasp is that we are putting every scrap of everything we ever knew, all that knowledge and experience, we are bringing it to bear on their problem. We just care in a different way.

-Nomad

[Latte]

I've sometimes had such problems. Nowadays I try to ask them questions that leads them to a realization of what the best course of action is instead of telling them outright what to do, going around their guard by making them come to my conclusion themselves. As you say, telling them outright can create unpleasant reactions.

[youngblooded]

I believe when most people come to me with problems , what they really want is sympathy. They want us to tell them that they are doing the right thing and that the others are wrong which in most cases are not true. Therefore, sometimes, I also find it hard to tell them what to do. But I believe that people who are troubled do not need lectures, they need guidance.

[Colette]

I have a difficulty knowing what to say when someone comes to me with some problem in their life. Usually it is a close friend or family member so I want to be able to support them, but my first inclination is to try to develop a plan to solve their problem. If I do this, the the reaction is usually negative from them. However, it takes much effort and thought to be able to empathize with them and try to figure out what to say in order to just support them and listen to their problem. Anyways, does anybody else have difficulties with this or have found ways to better deal with these situations?

Yep - I flip into problem solving mode almost instantly, and have to pull myself up, when what the person wants is usually support and a listening ear. Haven't solved the problem yet ;)

[Antares]

I believe when most people come to me with problems , what they really want is sympathy. They want us to tell them that they are doing the right thing and that the others are wrong which in most cases are not true. Therefore, sometimes, I also find it hard to tell them what to do. But I believe that people who are troubled do not need lectures, they need guidance.

I believe that too. People who wants me to comment their work usually wants affirmation, not criticism. I remember all too clearly people walking out on me just because I didn't compliment their work when I was suppose to criticize their work to make it better, or at least, that's what they say when they tell me to do that anyway.

"Can you provide some input as to how I can make this better? I really don't know what to write."
"Sure. You see here, it's unclear and disorganized..."
"I don't care." *takes paper and leaves*

That's usually how people deal with my advice. I think the best way is to just listen to them, offer them sympathy and tell them to go for it. It's obviously what they want to hear anyway. From my experience, it makes no difference if I offer some sort of solution to their problems or switch to hugging mode; they usually end up not considering it, so... They accomplish nothing in coming to me.

[Pinkie]

I think the best way is to just listen to them, offer them sympathy and tell them to go for it. It's obviously what they want to hear anyway. From my experience, it makes no difference if I offer some sort of solution to their problems or switch to hugging mode; they usually end up not considering it, so... They accomplish nothing in coming to me.

Ha! That's exactly what I do. I just sit silently and listen for a while, and then they tell me I'm such a good listener and thank me for my sympathy, and say, 'Do you think I should do this?' and unless I think it's a catastrophically moronic plan of action I usually just say, 'Yeah, go for it!'. They walk away happier, and I... well, I just seem to end up finding your average human even more bemusing.

[Richard0612]

I think that most people that I know have realised by now that if they come to me with a problem, they will not get sympathy, but they will most likely get the problem solved quickly and efficiently.

Fs can offer sympathy and a shoulder to cry on, Ts can offer a way out of the problem and a rational explanation for why it happened. Most people will want both, you are unlikely to get both out of one person.

As for what you said Camelopardalis, why ask someone 'how do I make this better' if all you want is praise and an ego-boost? *note to self: further investigate the psyche of a normal human*

[Max T]

Yes I had this problem too Starztimehalo.
Recently I've been able to empathise with others' problems; genuinely feel the pain in their predicament...
... but my advice is still the same old "ok here's the plan to solve it". Quite unable to give the emotional support they need.

It's frustrating because, as typically good listeners, INTJs probably attact more than our fair share of people with problems to divulge.
Doubley frustrating given that I think their emotional side has to be settled first, before they will adopt any logical plan.

[muguly]

I have a difficulty knowing what to say when someone comes to me with some problem in their life. Usually it is a close friend or family member so I want to be able to support them, but my first inclination is to try to develop a plan to solve their problem. If I do this, the the reaction is usually negative from them. However, it takes much effort and thought to be able to empathize with them and try to figure out what to say in order to just support them and listen to their problem. Anyways, does anybody else have difficulties with this or have found ways to better deal with these situations?

Next time it happens do this:tell them there is a difference in your opinion and you advice. Ask them which one they want and take it from there. More often then not people want what they don't need so the advice you would give them won't be what they want to hear.

[PRBori]

Hmm... well I tend to actually express logical information when is a personal issue I can relate to myself; however, I fail to show the right wording when someone pass away or got sick.

Somehow, to me sadness turns to laught at those times, and is annoying because I feel bad for what happen, but I can't see to control the awkward emotion.

[Antares]

Hmm... well I tend to actually express logical information when is a personal issue I can relate to myself; however, I fail to show the right wording when someone pass away or got sick.

When I'm told someone passes away, besides feeling bad for the person and his family, I'm largely apathetic. That's when I get stuck. I often don't know what to say, because I don't know how Feelers normally react, and I don't think saying 'move on' would be appropiate, nor 'oh', because it sounds like I don't care. Then, the person who came to me would look at me wondering why I hadn't said a word to sooth him/her and I'd be writhing uncomfortably wishing for this to end.

[Aurelia]

I have a difficulty knowing what to say when someone comes to me with some problem in their life. Usually it is a close friend or family member so I want to be able to support them, but my first inclination is to try to develop a plan to solve their problem. If I do this, the the reaction is usually negative from them. However, it takes much effort and thought to be able to empathize with them and try to figure out what to say in order to just support them and listen to their problem. Anyways, does anybody else have difficulties with this or have found ways to better deal with these situations?

For most people when they want someone to talk to, they aren't looking for a solution. They're just looking for someone to listen or someone to validate their point of view. This can be problematic for INTJs because we want to solve the problem. I make a conscious choice to listen to others and only offer a solution when they ask specifically for my advice.

[Zilal]

If you practice trying to be supportive... just saying mindlessly nice things, or being around... eventually it should feel more comfortable. And I do think it's true that most people in trouble want sympathy more than they want advice... but it doesn't mean they couldn't use advice, of course. The thing is to focus on the support and sympathy first, and on listening rather than talking, both so that you can get a better understanding of the problem and so that they're more likely to accept advice if you do give it. And you can always ask out loud what somebody wants, too.

[Darkmist]

"That's got to be rough."
"Uh, huh."
"Yeah, I know it."
All the while drifting into my to do list or whatnot.

Then,
"What do you think you should do?" And when I get an "I don't know,", I'll pick something I do recall and tell them that well that seemed important to them. Was it? And so on in a bid to have them think for themselves. It usually works for me. Note usually.

All the while I'm thinking I really need to go. I have things to do.

[Uytuun]

Major problem for me. But what Nomad says is true too.

[cruftie]

When I'm told someone passes away, besides feeling bad for the person and his family, I'm largely apathetic. That's when I get stuck. I often don't know what to say, because I don't know how Feelers normally react, and I don't think saying 'move on' would be appropiate, nor 'oh', because it sounds like I don't care. Then, the person who came to me would look at me wondering why I hadn't said a word to sooth him/her and I'd be writhing uncomfortably wishing for this to end.
The only thing I can think to do that doesn't feel totally fake for me and horrid for them is to ask some questions about the person that died. How old were they, did they leave kids or a legacy or something -- try to get them to share what was worthy about that person's life. Hopefully that gives the person in pain something positive to think about.

[Zilal]

Then,
"What do you think you should do?" And when I get an "I don't know,", I'll pick something I do recall and tell them that well that seemed important to them. Was it? And so on in a bid to have them think for themselves. It usually works for me. Note usually.

I like that one... thank you.

[PRBori]

When I'm told someone passes away, besides feeling bad for the person and his family, I'm largely apathetic. That's when I get stuck. I often don't know what to say, because I don't know how Feelers normally react, and I don't think saying 'move on' would be appropiate, nor 'oh', because it sounds like I don't care. Then, the person who came to me would look at me wondering why I hadn't said a word to sooth him/her and I'd be writhing uncomfortably wishing for this to end.

One of my aunts die a few weeks ago of cancer, and although I felt sad and cried a little, I had problems expressing my feelings to my family. All I could think of is "My condolescents to you, she is now in peace with God", well not exactly like that but similar, spanish is just a little different.

I guess, that's enough, although I didn't say it to every family member, and when another aunt was describing me how she had die, I just didn't know how to react, I certainly wasn't responding back as much as I would have like to.

I'm too apathetic to some extend, my feelings lasted a few minutes and then they were gone and life went on as normal.

Kind of ODD.... but life goes on

[mashwoo]

It has taken me 8 years of marriage to an esfj to work it out. She regularly needs to vent her feelings and concerns. For the first few years I would simply lay out the facts and present the solution, end of story. Often I did this in a way which she interpreted as condescending and arrogant which was just proof to her that I did not understand her or really care. She saw me a cold and uncaring in my logical responses to her emotional needs. Now I just listen and ask questions. Questions are a great way to help someone come to their own conclusion which they can then take greater ownership of than if you came up with it. Or if it is not a solution they are looking for it still helps them work through their feelings. I also think that paraphrasing what they have told you and then asking a question relating to it lets them know that you are really listening and helps keep the conversation going.

[INTJoe]

It's hard to help people out with serious problems. As NT's, we want to be brutally honest. People don't want to hear this. This is largely why they got into such a big mess in the first place.

Some people also are unable to be helped by a single individual. Don't sweat it. Do your best. Sometimes it hurts to see those you love struggling, but what can you do? It's human nature...we can't move mountains.

[mkay]

The only thing I can think to do that doesn't feel totally fake for me and horrid for them is to ask some questions about the person that died. How old were they, did they leave kids or a legacy or something -- try to get them to share what was worthy about that person's life. Hopefully that gives the person in pain something positive to think about.

Suggestion if someone dies and you don't know what to say:

Ask: So what are some of your best memories of him/her?

That way, they person gets to grieve, remember good stuff, and you don't end up saying or asking the wrong things. People can be really touchy when someone dies, so be careful what you ask.

After they finish remembering the good stuff, you can give them a hug or a squeeze, if you're comfortable. Tell 'em you wish there was some way you could help, if that's how you feel. Then offer to do tasks -- when someone dies, there are lotsa details to take care of, as basic as getting the shoes shined for the funeral, getting food for guests, whatever. ... Obviously, you gotta do what feels comfortable for you, depending on your relationship with that person.