Help: I attended forty elementary schools.

[MNRon]

My father was an itinerant construction worker. His crew erected water towers all over the midwest, central south, norhwest. I was born in 1948, lived in 88 towns before I began kindergarten, and attended forty elementary schools before "setttling down" to finish Jr High and High school in one place. Lived in 28 states, Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas to Michigan, Minnesota, Dakotas, and Wyoming. Always the "new kid."

The typical water tower of the fifties could be erected in eleven working days, by the way.

Was never in a "group:" no Cub scouts, Luther League, Sunday School, Little League, nada. Mom was nervous, conrolling, concerned about what everyone thought. Dad was first and foremost a boilermaker, work was his focus. No physical abuse in the home, some mind games, but financially secure.

Only chlild for eleven years, lived in a small mobile home, always an A/A- student, ended up high school valedictorian. Good athlete, starred in the plays, but totally non-musical. High mecahnical aptitude. Served a stint in the Army Reserve, made Captain --hated it, got an early out.

Have had trouble keeping a job, or the same job description, for more than a year or two, even though I was a college prof for 17 years. Educated: BS (industrial ed, math minor, a semester short of Mechanical Engineering degree), BA (religion), MS (social Studies/History), doctorate (History w/English), all but thesis for MS (Environmental Studies).

Had first of several episodes of depression, to suicidal ideation, at about 14. Have had 5-6 episodes since. Have social/general anxiety issues. Never been a "happy" person. Am in therapy and on meds. Enjoy biking, camping, exercise, my dogs, putzing with my hands, but still face most mornings wondering what the point of living another day actually is. Marriage of 31 years is so-so. Life is usually boring unless there is a crisis I can solve and the crowd can go "Oooooo!"

Any insights? Advice? Comments?

[vaguely dissatisfied]

You may have Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Disorder which is a condition characterized by extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to rejection. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing.

Complications:
Loss and rejection may be so painful that the individual with this disorder will choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others. The individual with this disorder has few close friends, but often is very dependent on them. Individuals with this disorder are described by others as being "shy", "timid," "lonely," and "isolated". Their occupational functioning may also suffer because they avoid the social situations that are important for job advancement.

Comorbidity:
Mood and Anxiety Disorders (especially Social Phobia), and other Personality Disorders (especially Dependent, Borderline, Paranoid, Schizoid and Schizotypal) frequently co-occur with this disorder.

[MNRon]

I think the following may be true.

You may have Anxious (Avoidant) and sensitivity to rejection.

Complications:
Loss and rejection may be so painful that the individual with this disorder will choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others. The individual with this disorder has few close friends. Their occupational functioning may also suffer because they avoid the social situations that are important for job advancement.

Comorbidity:
Mood and Anxiety Disorders (especially Social Phobia),.

But I am pretty outgoing, some say gregarious, in informal settings (I talk to people I meet in Target)

[vaguely dissatisfied]

The course of this disorder is chronic. This disorder is usually worse earlier in life and often improves in middle age.

In Avoidant Personality Disorder, the person maintains a systematic avoidance of social contacts and any situation which might result in embarrassment or anxiety. Even with people who are close, he or she avoids a more intimate involvement.

The permanent expectations of being ridiculed, criticized, rejected puts the person constantly at the borderline of suffering anxiety attacks. Then he develops a permanent scheme of self-protection against anxiety.

Some signs and symptoms are found in these people. Sometimes the symptoms predominate and the disorder goes unnoticed by the majority of people with whom the bearer has contact (because symptoms are subjectives).

– They tend to live alone
– Contact with family and friends can be enjoyable, but only for a short period of time (minute or hours) and anxiety can be aroused at any moment.
– They avoid contact with strangers. They are extremely kind when such contact occurs and they do everything possible to make sure that such contact is brief.
– They develop at least one phobia (for animals or objects) whose origin is connected with the earlier appearance of anxiety attacks in social situations. The animal or object connected with such situations unleashes the anxiety and this assumes phobic characteristics.
– They are aware that they have abdicated certain experiences in life in order to avoid suffering.
– They often fantasize about the situations they avoid and yet would like to experience – in their fantasies they exclude the anxiety-provoking stimuli.
– They can be professionally successful, but they could be even more successful if they did not turn their backs on opportunities.

What is the difference between Avoidant Personality Disorder, Shyness, Social Anxiety, Generalized Social Phobia and Introverted Personality?

Shyness – the difference is that in Shyness the person still tries to face situations which generate fear, even if only to show others what she is capable of getting. The situation may be uncomfortable yet the person tries to convey the message to those around him that he is liking or enjoying it. The desire to integrate oneself is so intense that the anxiety takes a back seat. Above all, the person has to show that she can get the same things other people can and enjoy them as much as they do.

Social Anxiety – In Social Anxiety, the person avoids social contacts and performance, mainly those that unleash extreme anxiety like panic attacks, but he wants to have such contacts and preserves the potentialities of affective involvement and feels comfortable with people who are close.

Generalized Social Phobia – In Generalized Social Phobia, a.k.a. Generalized Social Anxiety, the person suffers anxiety attacks due to exposure to many social situations. There is avoidance, to protect oneself, but the person wants to live like the others and have the same opportunities.

Avoidant Personality Disorder – In Avoidant Personality Disorder, besides the behaviors and attitudes described, we can see that the person has given up altogether on facing situations that generate fear and does not undergo anxiety attacks simply because she avoids any anxiety-generating situation that is possible. Additionally, she does everything possible not to be noticed.

Introverted Personality - Avoidance Personality Disorder has external similarities to the Introverted Personality. Nevertheless, within people there are differences. The main one is that the person with introverted personality does not feel anxiety when it is necessary to maintain social contact.

Avoidant Personality Disorder is often preceded by anxiety attacks and even some panic attacks, which become occasional atacks or even stop due to the avoidance mechanisms that are developed.

[blueback]

Wow, dude. It sounds like you have a lot going for you.

My first impression is that if you want to feel like something is worthwhile you have to be exposed to it. Feelings are reactions, so the stimulation has to be present or the emotion won't follow. Is there anything you've ever wanted to do but haven't tried yet?

[MNRon]

Wow, dude. It sounds like you have a lot going for you.

My first impression is that if you want to feel like something is worthwhile you have to be exposed to it. Feelings are reactions, so the stimulation has to be present or the emotion won't follow. Is there anything you've ever wanted to do but haven't tried yet?

Well, apart from suicide (only partly in jest) nothing comes to mind. Let me think about it (of course) and I might say living in a different country (Iceland comes to mind, in the summer) but the thought of what it takes to get there, financially and emotionally, is daunting. Most of what I'd like to do relate to goals I have attained (10k time, built own home, grad school/fellowship, biking over continental divide, etc.) that my 59 year old body says I can't do anymore, at least as well, or are "once in a lifetime" deals. I have been teaching myself Spanish (pretty humdrum, though) and like to cook, (for others -- I'm trying to drop 17 lbs), and build things, (for others -- I don't need stuff).

I am hoping to get back into biking this summer, shooting for 3,000 miles, which will help my psyche a great deal.

Thanks for the kudos and advice.

[Uytuun]

Challenge is what you seek? What about "making your life worth living again"? Trying your hand at areas of life you are not naturally good at? The challenge of finding some sort of appreciation of life even though you can argue that it's ultimately all in vain? Trying to overcome your anxiety issues? Learning to accept and appreciate the warmth people can provide? That they mean well most of the time?

I always say: it's your life, if you don't feel happy about it, the power to change it lies solely in your hands. Agency, even if it means seeking (professional) help.

Hmm, I guess I'm preaching. ;)

[Firelie]

Man, and I thought being a military kid was hard...at least we got a few years in one place before moving on again!

[MNRon]

Challenge is what you seek? What about "making your life worth living again"? Trying your hand at areas of life you are not naturally good at? The challenge of finding some sort of appreciation of life even though you can argue that it's ultimately all in vain? Trying to overcome your anxiety issues? Learning to accept and appreciate the warmth people can provide? That they mean well most of the time?

I always say: it's your life, if you don't feel happy about it, the power to change it lies solely in your hands. Agency, even if it means seeking (professional) help.

Hmm, I guess I'm preaching. ;)


I am trying to figure out how what you are saying relate to this thread. Where did I say I sought challenge? Did you read the entire thread? Are you aware of my age and experience?

Yep, your preaching. Let me guess: bright, young, still in school, are you?

[Jgib5328]

Any insights? Advice? Comments?

Try to find something new. Your life just seems boring. Are you retired? Go on some kind of adventure or something. That's what I plan on doing when I retire. It doesn't have to be something expensive, but just go do interesting things, maybe on a whim. Make your life interesting again. It seems like you just don't have many interesting things going on. If I were you, I'd just go on an aimless drive somewhere and see what life brings you. Discover places or things that you've never even heard about.

You are probably depressed or unhappy because of the difficult childhood you had to go through. You probably suffered mental damage from not ever feeling like a part of a group or getting to settle down for awhile. Maybe you should try to come to terms with this, maybe you already have, I know nothing about you so I wouldn't know.

Look at the positives in your life. Despite the hardships you have faced, you have been successful academically, you are married, and you seem to be talented at many things. Being successful in education is a great accomplishment, not many people can do well in school or attain great knowledge. You are married, that's definitely something to be proud of, I'll be terribly depressed if I don't get married. There is always an upside to things, you just need to find it.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Careful what you ask for.................

Seriously though........I have very similar issues and I'm old (47 3/4) and have a great deal of life experience too. I went out there and proved myself. Did all the daring feats I could think of to prove myself. Problem was.......I only proved myself to everyone else.

My problems with avoidant personality disorder (undiagnosed) are for different reasons than yours, but you sound alot like me.

[Provoker]

Based on the description you've provided I do not think you have an 'avoidant personality disorder'. You taught for several years and have tried many things that involve new environments/new people so I think that diagnosis is misleading.

What I see is attachment issues. Perhaps because of being so mobile when you were younger and never staying in one location long enough to join groups and clubs and becoming socially comfortable, you have developed a defense shield (from a young age) to protect yourself from emotionally attaching to things/places. Hence, the frequent job mobility.

The interest in camping and outdoors seems to contrast with your boring urban life. You seem not present, and are going through a spiritual crisis. You have excelled in academia, athletics, but not in spirit - you've not found happiness. In Fyodor Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov there is a chapter called 'The Life of the Elder Zosima' and this chapter has really touched my soul. It really puts things into perspective and gets you in touch with the human side. I highly recommend reading it - it may change your life.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Just a note..........I taught for several years and have tried many different things and environments that involved being around alot of people, leadership roles, etc. I also consider myself to have both aviodant personality traits, as well as, attachment issues.

[Zilal]

Welcome! You're not alone in your situation... well, you may not have much company with the 40 schools thing, but in generally being depressed and unsatisfied, you are in good company. There are certainly lots of things that can be done, from trying something new and crazy to just changing therapists. But I think there are some very basic things that will probably have to be a part of whatever you do. One is not to wait for motivation to come to you... make changes in what you're doing and work hard as if you did have the motivation.

Another is the service-oriented or spiritual aspect... you didn't mention anything about your spiritual life, but it is important. I don't mean religion, just a sense of deep connection to the things and people around you. We're all born with the capability for this but in some of us it needs to be developed. If you gradually get into the habit of focusing more on other people's well-being, you might find your concerns about your own well-being end up solving themselves. You can try volunteering but it's more a mindset than a "job." And you should still think enough of yourself to keep trying every wellness-improving practice there is... from yoga to meditation to any kind of therapy... until you find something that works for you. It sounds a little corny but frankly, you're worth it. Everyone is.

[MNRon]

Welcome! You're not alone in your situation... well, you may not have much company with the 40 schools thing, but in generally being depressed and unsatisfied, you are in good company. There are certainly lots of things that can be done, from trying something new and crazy to just changing therapists. But I think there are some very basic things that will probably have to be a part of whatever you do. One is not to wait for motivation to come to you... make changes in what you're doing and work hard as if you did have the motivation.

Another is the service-oriented or spiritual aspect... you didn't mention anything about your spiritual life, but it is important. I don't mean religion, just a sense of deep connection to the things and people around you. We're all born with the capability for this but in some of us it needs to be developed. If you gradually get into the habit of focusing more on other people's well-being, you might find your concerns about your own well-being end up solving themselves. You can try volunteering but it's more a mindset than a "job." And you should still think enough of yourself to keep trying every wellness-improving practice there is... from yoga to meditation to any kind of therapy... until you find something that works for you. It sounds a little corny but frankly, you're worth it. Everyone is.

Well, I teach spinning classes (cycling) four days a week as a volunteer, have two therapy dogs that visit the local nursing home a regular basis, I provide weekly Friday overnight/Saturday AM respite care in my home for a 32year old with Down's Syndrome, and do some yoga. I was a hospital chaplain, worked overnights and weekends for three years, and liked it, but not my boss ;) I am also working with the boy scouts to help scouts earn merit badges in cycling this summer, and hope to lead a scout venturing crew on some multi-day bike trips.

But right now it is still cold, and dark, and there are still many hours in the day to fill. I'm tired of reading books, and studying Spanish has become tedious. I am happiest (right now) taking road trips with my dogs, but gas just hit $3.06 here!

Actually, just being on this, and another forum for bicyclists, helps quite a bit--for the most part :)

Thanks

[Uytuun]

I am trying to figure out how what you are saying relate to this thread. Where did I say I sought challenge? Did you read the entire thread? Are you aware of my age and experience?

Yep, your preaching. Let me guess: bright, young, still in school, are you?

It seems like you're offended. Why? I'm not the only one that referred to challenge and overcoming anxiety. "Life is usually boring unless there is a crisis I can solve and the crowd can go "Oooooo!" lead me to go on about challenge.

The only sentence that seems to be redundant to me is "Trying your hand at areas of life you are not naturally good at?" since you are apparently doing just that.

My I always say sentence is a generic one not really aimed at you since you had mentioned you're already in therapy.

I do not see what your age and experience vs. my youthfulness have to do with it.

As I see it, you posed a problem, I posted possible solutions, limited though my experience may be. You did ask for advice.

Perhaps it's a case of too many question marks.

What did you expect from this thread?

[MNRon]

Perhaps it's a case of too many question marks. Good point. You seemed to use the thread as a basis for self-reflection. You did confess to preaching. And age and experience has a great deal to do with a great deal of things.
What did you expect from this thread? See some of the other posters' comments.

[Uytuun]

*bites tongue*

I wish you well at any rate.

[Zilal]

Well, I teach spinning classes (cycling) four days a week as a volunteer, have two therapy dogs that visit the local nursing home a regular basis, I provide weekly Friday overnight/Saturday AM respite care in my home for a 32year old with Down's Syndrome, and do some yoga. I was a hospital chaplain, worked overnights and weekends for three years, and liked it, but not my boss ;) I am also working with the boy scouts to help scouts earn merit badges in cycling this summer, and hope to lead a scout venturing crew on some multi-day bike trips.

That all sounds quite good. It's possible you're quite talented at living life and basically know what you're doing, but have hit a ragged patch... in that case, well, I'd say just keep doing it and don't get too trapped by seeing how you feel now as symptomatic of a big problem in how you handle life or yourself.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Hey MNRon......

How's it goin eh? I mean with being bored.

[futureperfect5]

What do you want?

If you wanted a different childhood behind one picket fence in suburbia -- it's over ...

Live for now a stop defining yourself by your father and the past.
Ask yourself, "What can I do today ... to have FUN?"

Keep a journal or a blog and share your **fun** stuff with everyone.

You didn't mention children ... go help out at a hospital and hold some of the abandoned newborns: it might change your perspective on the rejection that you feel from life.

[sriv]

To compound on what futureperfect said...If you are bored, find a purpose to life that makes it not boring. Not boring can mean fun, exciting, challenging, thought-invoking, or dangerous. You mentioned you have some hobbies. If you are bored not doing them, then find some more time for them. If you are bored with a hobby, find a less boring one. It is really not that complicated.

[Agile]

And to build on what sriv said...

Purpose causes us to focus on our environment (even if it's our internal environment, such as when answering a question).

For example, if I'm lost in a mall and would like to leave, I'm likely to be very actively seeking an exit (external/environment focus). This is 180° opposed to being stuck at a mall bored, with someone shopping, working, or whatever, and being 'unable to leave'(internal focus).

People who are internally focused, in this way, generally miss out on what life has to offer... this is also, incidentally, why they are bored...because they have no investment in (they do not feel they are getting anything out of) their current activities.

So if you pursue things which you have something to gain from, excitement, joy, accomplishment, etc, you ought to lose your feeling of boredom.

Key questions to ask...
What do I want? or Where can I imagine myself most happy?
What was my original reason for pursuing this (insert boring activity here)?