Humor

[Rick]

"Idiot" sightings...

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up a $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her
the money back. She became indignant and informed me that she was
educated and that she knew what she was doing. And she returned the
money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I finally
departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
............... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.


I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She
handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?"

................They Walk Among Us!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk .

...............They Walk Among Us!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces."

..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!


They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL
.................. they VOTE!

[Lucid]

"Idiot" sightings...

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up a $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her
the money back. She became indignant and informed me that she was
educated and that she knew what she was doing. And she returned the
money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I finally
departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
............... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

That's freaking hilarious.




I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

I used to have the same kind of job. One time a woman called in and I asked her for her phone number starting with the area code. She insisted, for 10 minutes, that her area code was 1. Finally she hung up.

[dandylion]

Hahaha, this made me crack up, especially the one about the bird and the pizza slices. xP

[BadMojo]

Okay, here are some of my stories:

1)
I was in the Danish national guard (No jokes plz :D). And there was one guy who had shit for brains. I mean this guy was stupid. And he was deaf on one ear, and nearly deaf on the other... All in all a fine specimen for a national guard soldier.
Anyway, we were at the shooting range, and it was his turn to shoot. But he did something wrong, so the instructor tried to yell some instructions to him
The stupid guy then turns around; holding his sharply loaded assault rifle horizontal, thereby pointing it at the rest of us and says "What!?"
(And yes, the safety was off)

2)
Okay, this is one from one of my associates whom I used to study with. This guy worked as a computer supporter while studying. Anyway, once a lady called who said that she had problems with her computer. After a while, my friend gave up, and asked her to bring the computer to him.
When the lady finally showed up with the computer - she'd only brought the monitor.

3)
Okay, same guy from story number one.
We had a first aid course, and since it was the national guard. Some wartime "experiences" had to be involved. So, during our "exam" we got "shot in the leg" and we had to stop the bleeding. (Of course, not for real).
The guy actually did everything right! Except when the instructor asked him of there was anything else he wished to do. he replied "Yes" and said that he wanted to take some atropine injections in the leg. The instructor asked him how many. The guy said "Three". The instructor told him that he'd properly killed himself. Atropine is only taken if one is subjected to nerve gas!

4)
My grandfather finally got himself a computer. But one day he called me and said in a panicking voice "I don't understand, I haven't touched it, and the screen as turned all black". I asked him to press the space bar, and he did... Suddenly the computer worked fine - it was simply the screensaver.

[lordrrr]

This is hilarious. I love stupid people.


Idiot sightings are all over shows like Da Ali G show.

[ElstonGunn]

Many years ago, I got to know one of the dumbest people I had ever met. I was on a camping trip, and there was this one girl there who would have been infuriating to deal with if she wasn't so (unintentionally) funny.

We were staying in cabins, and this being a school-sponsored event, the lodging was split up by gender. I think there were four male cabins and four female cabins, each having four or five people. One guy asked her how many girls were staying in her cabin, to which she responded, "Duh! They're all girls!"

Later, she was talking about the TV show The Simpsons. Somebody asked her if she liked Homer Simpson, and she said, "Well, I don't like him, like him," as if they were asking her if she had a crush on him.

She also willingly told a story about how she got into trouble while she was learning to drive. She ran through a stop sign, and her dad, who was teaching her to drive, was a little upset about that, understandably so. She replied that someone had told her that the stop signs with a white line on the outside edge were optional.

[Rick]

More humor...

Speeding Ticket:

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.





Rick added to this post, 22 minutes and 37 seconds later...

A discription of the different types of government

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

[ElstonGunn]

I saw that cow thing before, but I had completely forgotten about it. Thanks for the reminder and the resultant chuckles.


AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". [...]

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

And the moral of the story is that Ron Paul is a cow. ;)

[lordrrr]

I have a good one.


My friend called 1-800-4MYXBOX, the Microsoft Xbox hotline about a problem in Halo. The guy answers (who is obviously Hindu) and says: "Hello, thank you for calling the Xbox hotline". My friend said: "Yeah, I have this problem in Halo. The game wont let me save". The guy responds with: "Can you please tell me your problem?". My friend responds: "I just told you...". The guy freaks out and yells "DAMMIT I'VE BEEN UP SINCE THREE F**KING A.M. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS CRAP!!!" *caps lock* and hangs up.


Funniest thing ever.

Oh and another funny Hindu Indian one.

I was at Seafair (it's basically a huge parade) with my friend and his dad. Suddenly, we hear the LOUDEST guy keep shouting "CORNDOG ONE DOLLAAAA!!! CORNDOG ONE DOLLAAAAA!!!" *caps lock*. He was obnoxiously loud. So my friends dad, who's the king of sarcasm, walks up and says "Hey, how much are the corndogs?" as a joke, and the Hindu man replies: "For you? TWO DOLLA!" as if he's offering him an incredible bargain.

[coffeeloverfreak]

That reminds me of the waitress who, when asked to divide the piece of cake into thirds, asked - without a trace of irony - "thirds, is that like quarters?"

[Darkmist]

Ta Da.

Reminds me of stupid criminals.

Breaks into a house and in doing so falls through the roof. Sues the house owners.

Robs a bank and then waits in line at a nearby bus stop to make a getaway. The police pick her (?) up.

Robs a bank and for a note, uses his personal check with all his ID on it.

Maybe this is a whole other thread . . .

[lordrrr]

My friend climbed to the top of Bartell Drugs. It's illegal and all, but I don't think anyone would have noticed seeing as it was midnight. Only problem is- THE POLICE STATION IS RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET!

[interjerator]

I think there were four male cabins and four female cabins, each having four or five people. .


I didn't know that cabins had gender.

[lancelot]

I think Thommy Chong is very funny, he once talked about watching a TV. show about Indians, he said the show was boring,.. (I knew he was talking about the test pattern) and thought it was one of the funniest things I had ever heard.

Highly intelligent people are good at acting stupid, and comedians are very good at being serious!

[Alpha Prime]

How do you like these apples:

This couple had been dating for a long time, and was deeply in love with one another. So they decided to get married. But, the lady's family decided to put the man to a final test. He was asked to babysit the lady's younger sister, whom he had never met before.

Anyway, as he went home to them, she was upstairs having a shower, while he was chilling in front of the TV, in their living room. When she had finished she came down the stairs wearing only her towel (she was hot!). She sat down next to him on the sofa and introduced herself. Next, she made a remark about being all alone in the house, and her being a 19 year old virgin. The guy started to feel uneasy. While he rejected her offer to take her virginity she dropped the towel and started to tease and grind her body onto him, while he continued to reject her and told her to behave.

Her persistance was too much for him, so, he ran out the door as fast as he could! Outside he was embraced by the family who cheered on him and took him into their loving arms. He had passed their test!

Anyway, the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in the car!

[rewhu]

I didn't know that cabins had gender.

Wha Wha Wha.

< insert sound of rimshot here>





rewhu added to this post, 13 minutes and 40 seconds later...

I heard this true story second hand:

A group of guys went on a camping trip. They trek out into the forest ignoring the fact that it had rained heavily the day before. They set up camp and start looking for firewood. It takes them awhile to find dry wood and actually get the fire lit, but finally the have a small but steady fire burning.

One of the guys was apparently carrying a thermos full of hot chocolate that he had been sipping on. He decides that he’s had enough to drink and chucks the contents of the thermos on the fire. All the other guys start screaming, “What the hell are you doing? You’re gonna put out the fire!” And the guy says, “What? It’s hot chocolate.”

-----------------------

I don’t know what’s crazier, drinking hot chocolate to hydrate yourself while hiking through the woods or thinking that hot chocolate somehow wouldn’t put out a hot fire.

[Erika Redmark]

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Hours of reading fun there!