Explaining Why You Love Someone

[muguly]

If someone asked you why you love them, could you answer? If you did, would you realize the answer is shallow and therefore not love that person? What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

[Jgib5328]

If someone asked you why you love them, could you answer? If you did, would you realize the answer is shallow and therefore not love that person? What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

If someone asked me if I loved them, and I didn't mind them believing I'd say so. If they asked me a reason, I'd just give them reasons. If I had no reasons because I didn't love them, I'd just tell them why I like them. If I didn't love them, and I didn't want them to believe that I loved them, I'd just flat out tell them, "I don't love you".

[JTG]

Blaise Pascal said something like: "Love has its reasons, of which reason knows not"

Love isn't really something you need a reason for, and it's not so easily explained, at least to me. It's the result of a bond you have with somebody, not "i love you because [insert reason]"

[aexis]

What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

This happened to me a few years ago. Initially I was very frustrated, but after a while I concluded that it was, in actual fact, not my problem. If I love someone, the fact that I can admit that should be enough - I shouldn't have to back that up with reasons.

[Pinkie]

I usually just answer 'Because you deserve it,' and leave them pondering that to wander off and do something else. It's certainly a true answer.

[rwyatt365]

When asked that question I have answered, "Because I choose to". It usually doesn't gett me any "points", but I feel that CHOOSING to love someone is far more significant than most of the other answers that I've encountered.

[dandylion]

I've never been in love so I don't know what I'd say. But one time a guy chased me down and he said, "I can't stop thinking about you. Will you go out with me?" "Why do you like me?" "I don't know." So I rejected him and went on my merry way.

[ElstonGunn]

What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

I'd say, "Uh oh. Now my car isn't going to run anymore, just because it can't tell me about how a fuel injector works." It's general enough to get some kind of idea across, and weird enough to hopefully make the person stop asking me questions that I don't like answering.

But if the person kept bringing the subject up, I'd probably say something about how talk is cheap, and that the existence of an idea or an emotion is not dependent on verbally expressing it.

And if the issue was raised after that, I'd say, "You know, you might be right-- maybe I don't love you. You make it pretty hard for me to by continually doubting my feelings just because I don't continuously blab about them." Not that that makes a whole lot of sense, but there's nothing like a little spiteful accusation to get the heat off yourself.

[Agile]

If someone asked you why you love them, could you answer? If you did, would you realize the answer is shallow and therefore not love that person? What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

I'm pretty sure I could verbalize it. I find that a person's ability to verbalize their emotions is directly related to their (any and or all of the following)


Communication skills
Comfort with themselves / their emotions
Perception of value (ie, is this question worth answering)
Emotional ~ Intellectual development (ie, how much time has the person spent verbalizing feelings)


Some people are great storytellers, and horrible at revealing personal feelings.

Some people have mental blocks and feel it is taboo to talk about this sort of thing.

Some people feel you are pulling their strings and will blow you off.

Some people have nothing to tell you. Like, er, um, describe Red to me. Don't use any nouns that are naturally Red. Don't use any mathematical descriptions. Go. (you may still be able to find something to tell me, but I wager that most of us will draw a blank)

[DeadSpace]

If someone asked you why you love them, could you answer? If you did, would you realize the answer is shallow and therefore not love that person? What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

Yes, i could answer. It would not be shallow. There are undefinable elements to love no doubt. But there are also elements that can be defined in how that person can make you feel when you think about them, sit with them, talk with them, how you miss them. Qualities of appearence, mannerisms, style, grace, that you find appealing. Everything that makes up a person you care about, their scent, a smile, a touch. All those can define why and how you love someone i think...the unexplainable...is that it justs feels right.

[Lucid]

If someone asked you why you love them, could you answer? If you did, would you realize the answer is shallow and therefore not love that person? What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

I think that I could give them a list of attributes I like them. But I think that a person is more than the sum of their attributes and, similarly, if you love someone, that love is more than the sum of things about them you like.

When I was in love (and it was about 10 years ago now, so my memory of it isn't as good as it might be), I don't think I could have told you why I loved the person I did. I could have said, "Well he's really smart and he's funny and he has a really sarcastic sense of humor and he's an animal lover and has good taste in music and is honest and reliable," but that's not why I loved him. There are lots of people with those same traits, many of whom I have dated and many of those had other, even better traits to go with the ones I listed, but whom I didn't love.

[Tsuru]

"Because your soul is beautiful."

:o

[coffeeloverfreak]

You love someone because you recognize a certain degree of physical attraction and personality compatability, and then your brain chemicals do the rest, releasing those "warm fuzzies" that convince you you're in love with them. It's just a biological response, really.

[kaxeeu]

I've never been in love so I don't know what I'd say. But one time a guy chased me down and he said, "I can't stop thinking about you. Will you go out with me?" "Why do you like me?" "I don't know." So I rejected him and went on my merry way.

Awe, now I feel bad for the guy. When I like someone, I usually don't know why either. So I understand where he's coming from. *Makes mental note to prepare some shallow reason for liking someone to prevent an incident like this in the future.*

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Being able to verbalize feelings is a skill. It is usually a skill that does not come naturally ...just like listening.

When we love someone we often feel that individual's happiness is important to us and so we often try to do things that will make them happy. This, of course, depends on how much we are willing to do for someone else at our own expense. In other words, do I love them as much as I love myself or do they come much lower on the list than me?

If we are basically not a selfish person, then we will try to find out what makes them happy. If it makes them happy to know why we love them, then we will go away and try to figure out, as best we can, what those reasons are so that we can tell them and make them happy.

[vkut79]

I don't think you can really come up with much of a reason for loving someone. You can probably say why you "like" someone, but that is really different. Love itself is more of a biological instinct, not something that you can easily explain other than "you are physically attractive" or "your personality is attractive". Anything beyond that is really just guessing.

[IgnoranceIsKind]

I don't think you can really come up with much of a reason for loving someone. You can probably say why you "like" someone, but that is really different. Love itself is more of a biological instinct, not something that you can easily explain other than "you are physically attractive" or "your personality is attractive". Anything beyond that is really just guessing.

He says true.

Its a very hard thing to put into words. When you know you love someone, it basically goes beyond physical attractions, their best traits or their flaws. It is made up of every moment spent together that makes it so unique between each couple.

My real first love was an ENFP and she asked me why I loved her. I gave her very real, yet superficial reasons, and she was so contented. I was quite annoyed with myself for not being able to better express myself with more fitting terms. And then it struck me.

There just aren't any.

[Colette]

It's a look, or the feeling that resides in silence, or just a 'vibe' that says all of these things so much more eloquently than words:
"I get you completely, and you get me completely. You bring me joy, just by being around me. I want to be with you for life, and don't want to imagine a life without you. You are my all, and you complete me"

[Lucid]

It's a look, or the feeling that resides in silence, or just a 'vibe' that says all of these things so much more eloquently than words:
"I get you completely, and you get me completely. You bring me joy, just by being around me. I want to be with you for life, and don't want to imagine a life without you. You are my all, and you complete me"

You know, except for the last sentence, that's pretty much how I feel about close friends of mine. To me, the difference between being in love and really liking someone is that when you're in love there's this feeling of complete euphoria and, as cheesy as it sounds, everything in the world seems to glow. Now, I realize that that's just the release of endorphins and you can get the same effect from taking certain street drugs, but trying to put your finger on what it is about that person that causes the biological reaction is difficult. Just chemistry I guess. :)

[In Strict Confidence]

Another great thread. These are things Ive thought a lot about.

For me, its very important to be able to verbalize and intellectualize why you love someone, or like, or hate, or whatever. Even the lightest verbalization - because I get that feeling, and I suppose its from unconscious personal chemistry - is in the right direction.
I guess value the ability to verbalize feelings for individuals for various reasons. For once, I value the ability to make things consciously clear, in a systematic and quite theoretical fashion (all hail the INTJ brain!). Secondly I value the ability to describe what makes someone special. This is important, no - extremely important, when it comes to such close relationships such as love. Why? Once again, various reasons. First of all, you are going to get the question "why do you love me?" and the person do wants a confirmation. Maybe you yourself are the one asking, and that may be because you want some confirmation. After all, we all do need and desire confirmation from the one we love, and we want to be special to that person. Making clear why someone is special is another important reason in itself. This is because it lets the person know that they cannot easily be replaced.
I wouldn’t call sexual attraction + personal chemistry love. I dont know what I would call that, but it is biological and instinctual and only something that exists as long as the emotions does. If the attraction dies, and it often does after some time has passed on, the feelings die, or at best change into something more like friendship. To me, sexual attraction + personal chemistry is at best subject to a sexual relationship, a short term crush or flirt. It is not the basis of love, the basis of love is filling a special place in someones heart. (of course, this goes along with the biological reactions as sexual attraction. The time you have spent together. The emotional bond you have built up together... etc. These are also very valid reasons to mention when someone tries to verbalize love.)

Keeping things unconscious isnt something I would recommend when it comes to love. Either you have your reasons (or realize them), or you at least try to understand the psychological mechanism behind this "chemistry".

[pavman]

It's a look, or the feeling that resides in silence, or just a 'vibe' that says all of these things so much more eloquently than words:
"I get you completely, and you get me completely. You bring me joy, just by being around me. I want to be with you for life, and don't want to imagine a life without you. You are my all, and you complete me"

You know, except for the last sentence, that's pretty much how I feel about close friends of mine. To me, the difference between being in love and really liking someone is that when you're in love there's this feeling of complete euphoria and, as cheesy as it sounds, everything in the world seems to glow. Now, I realize that that's just the release of endorphins and you can get the same effect from taking certain street drugs, but trying to put your finger on what it is about that person that causes the biological reaction is difficult. Just chemistry I guess. :)

Dam. Now I have to pursue this woman. Thanks a lot girls!

You know that movie quote was overheard on an elevator?

[blueback]

I've never been in love so I don't know what I'd say. But one time a guy chased me down and he said, "I can't stop thinking about you. Will you go out with me?" "Why do you like me?" "I don't know." So I rejected him and went on my merry way.

That's probably because you're selfish. I'm like that too. I exercise a lot of control over who I allow accest to my time and attention. What you probably actually heard the guy say was "Hey, you don't know me, but would you let me bother you really intensely for a while?"

[Mountain Lion]

Because I choose to... ;)





When asked that question I have answered, "Because I choose to". It usually doesn't gett me any "points", but I feel that CHOOSING to love someone is far more significant than most of the other answers that I've encountered.
...

[Colette]

When asked that question I have answered, "Because I choose to". It usually doesn't gett me any "points", but I feel that CHOOSING to love someone is far more significant than most of the other answers that I've encountered.

Oh yeah, and for me, it's a decision, not a feeling. So if I love someone, I won't say it unless/until I have decided I want to spend my life with that person..

Anything less for me, is not love.

[PRBori]

Hmm... To me I can love someone for many reasons, but the main reasons are:

1. He respects me and my kids
2. He is confident with himself
3. He is hard working
4. He is trusting
5. He is open minded and direct
6. He is trusthworthy
7. He is someone who shares many of my views in life
8. He is someone that threats his parents with uptmost respect, specially his mother
9. He is someone that stood up for me during bad times
10. He is someone with goals and plans working hard to achieve them
11. He is someone with a clear mind
12. He is someone that helps others in need


And the list can go on and on and on... but you get the point...

In general, if ALL the above are met, and if I can see pass the physical aspects, and he shows me his heart and soul, and meets all or close to all my other requirements, then I can love him...

Wow... am I greedy or what... bottom line it depends on the person and how deep they let me see into their heart and soul. The human beuty is more important to me than the physical or material items he can provide.

[Colette]

Hmm... To me I can love someone for many reasons, but the main reasons are:

1. He respects me and my kids
2. He is confident with himself
3. He is hard working
4. He is trusting
5. He is open minded and direct
6. He is trusthworthy
7. He is someone who shares many of my views in life
8. He is someone that threats his parents with uptmost respect, specially his mother
9. He is someone that stood up for me during bad times
10. He is someone with goals and plans working hard to achieve them
11. He is someone with a clear mind
12. He is someone that helps others in need


And the list can go on and on and on... but you get the point...

In general, if ALL the above are met, and if I can see pass the physical aspects, and he shows me his heart and soul, and meets all or close to all my other requirements, then I can love him...

Wow... am I greedy or what... bottom line it depends on the person and how deep they let me see into their heart and soul. The human beuty is more important to me than the physical or material items he can provide.

Wow man - I'm kind of blown away by how alike we think. This is a list I could very easily have generated myself; and I agree with everything on it (especially #8 for some reason, as I've often found that hatred of one or both parents, or a sibling, can start to ring 'alarm bells' for me in terms of a relationship and its likely success).

I'd add to the list that I can fall for a guy only if he has or appears to have a 'spiritual dimension'; and by this I don't necessarily mean religion - just that he has a sense of wonder and insignificance in terms of his place in the universe, and that he has some sense that there is a role in his life for a power greater than himself (whatever that might be, or however it might be classed).

[In Strict Confidence]

Oh yeah, and for me, it's a decision, not a feeling. So if I love someone, I won't say it unless/until I have decided I want to spend my life with that person..

Anything less for me, is not love.

I can easily relate to that. The feeling of love comes rather after the decision, when the dedication is made.

Other than that, I'm totally lost on the part with the parents or the greater power ^^

[mashwoo]

This happened to me a few months ago when my esfj wife asked "What is it about me that you love?" ...
I love her but the best I could come up with at the time is "you are a great mum". She was obviously looking for more and responded "is that it" and I responded "no.....um....I love you" Then I told a joke to try and escape, "it's mabo, it's the vibe... you know" (Aussie movie "The Castle"). I walked away to make us a cuppa while saying this.

I know I have to work on this!!!

[Moondyn]

If someone asked you why you love them, could you answer? If you did, would you realize the answer is shallow and therefore not love that person? What if they said you didn't love them because you couldn't verbalize it?

If I had to accurately explain how/why I love a person, I'd ask them to let me type the entire explanation essay as they watched. (Honestly I could write a whole book on the causal reasons as to why I fell in love, why I'm in love, and more romantically, how I feel being in love.)

[CarolinetheENFP]

when my INTJ asks this is what i tell him

for who you were
for who you are
for who you are not
and for who you are becoming

[Sinequanon]

Some people have nothing to tell you. Like, er, um, describe Red to me. Don't use any nouns that are naturally Red. Don't use any mathematical descriptions. Go. (you may still be able to find something to tell me, but I wager that most of us will draw a blank)
You couldn't describe the color red to someone? :huh:

I think I could, but I think also doing so for any number of colors (especially when you start getting arbitrary, like "describe burgundy" or "Describe 231,192,054") may begin to dilute the beauty of the original description. I think describing love may be the same way. If my SO asked me why I love her, I could definitely tell her, but I could also tell her why I decided to have the chicken thigh I had last night at the buffet. So maybe articulation isn't the correct metric, but rather the intensity of commitment and actions. :)

[Marzi]

i think love is more "in spite of your failings" than "because of your strengths."
you will not win points for this, certainly.
but love is looking beyond personality and form. love is the faith that underneath the personality, there is a soul like your own that you relate to.
the personality traits you like are the symptoms of the love... the bits where the spirit you love shines through. but it's still there when it's not shining. and if you can't see that, then you don't really love them.
this is why love and compatibility are not the same thing. it's why you love your children unconditionally.
the only person i've truly, deeply loved is someone who i cannot - for many, many reasons - be with romantically. and that's okay, because it's love, and it doesn't judge and isn't angry, and allows me to get on with my life.
*shrugs*

.... short answer.... if someone asked me, i'd probably piss the hell outta them. "i love you because i can look beyond all your bullshit and care about you even when you're a total ass" ;)

[mayumi]

"Because your soul is beautiful."

:o

lol! I'll remember to use this line.

[mayumi]

Either way, I decided a new, more realistic list was in order.

1) She must be able to cook. (Enthusiasm is a plus)
2) She must be able to clean. (Enthusiasm is a plus once again)
3) She must provide sufficient enough income. (Did I mention enthusiasm was a plus?)
4) Though 1-3 are indeed important, they are negotiable if she holds sexual appeal. For example, if her sexual appeal rating is a 10 then the list becomes more or less irrelevant. However, if her sexual appeal rating is a 1 then the list becomes absolutely imperative.

And that's that. Can't think of much more. And wow, am I greedy or what?

You should build yourself a robot wife...like in that movie 'Stepford Wives'. So you'll get 1,2,3, and 4. If you hire a housekeeper and giver her a large salary, you'll get 1 and 2. And number 3, I want somebody to give me money too. Yes, you are greedy.

But number 4, I agree whole heartedly with number 4.