Hold grudges much?

[Guido]

I read someone's intro about not giving others a second chance, so I figured I'd stick this up and see what people think. I read in a profile for INTJ somewhere awhile back that we're slow to 'forgive' people. My personal take on this is that I start everyone off on a clean slate when I first meet them, and then over time this changes as I map out their personality and observe their actions. As they slowly (or often very quickly) screw up their slate over time, I re-evaluate whether I still want to be friends with them or hang around them in general. I don't see it so much as not 'forgiving' a person rather I see it as realizing 'this is who they are' and doing my best to stay the hell away from them if need be.

Some people are under the impression that 'people can change' and I really disagree with this. People can learn how to hide or ignore their natural impulses through their experiences of getting 'burned' from their poor choices, but I truly believe that people really can't change. Do you really want to hang around someone who's capable of hurting you on some level? I know I can't.

I'm curious what other have to say about this, or if there's any interesting stories out there :o

[qwerty]

Well first impression do count heavily for me and generally it is extremely hard to change my mind about someone. As far as grudges - it's weird I'll either try and understand the person or I'll drift away from them and let them make them understand what they did. I prefer not to waste my time on them otherwise(with all the get back bs).

[TeleportThis]

First impressions don't really count for much with me. I know I suck at first impressions too, so I cut people slack. I usually cut them slack for a while, until I get to know them better. It takes me a long time to admit it when I actually don't like somebody. I prefer to like them or be indifferent. So, it takes a lot for someone to piss me off. Once they do, they probably don't have a chance at redeeming themselves, though.

[Rei]

I get annoyed a lot, but not without good reason ;) I'm pretty forgiving in that sense.

It takes a lot to get me angry. The only thing that's gotten me angry enough to hold a grudge were cases of utter betrayal. They just completely lost all my respect for them... if the respect scale could go negative, they'd be there. If the person doesn't do anything to fix it, they're pretty much on my black list for all time.

I'm still holding a grudge on my ex-friend from gr 5. She resurfaced recently (the goods and the bads of facebook), and I pretend I've forgotten everything... but obviously I haven't. Betrayal is not something I can ever forgive and forget.

[Tarrick]

I'm still holding a grudge on my ex-friend from gr 5. She resurfaced recently (the goods and the bads of facebook), and I pretend I've forgotten everything... but obviously I haven't. Betrayal is not something I can ever forgive and forget.


Agreed. Ticking me off is something that can blow over no problem. Usually.

However, there is on occasion some people that do somethings that are really, really hard to even consider getting over.

[deicruxified]

i rarely keep a grudge coz i easily forget... i don't brood to much coz a lot of time's wasted on a lot of things... was even called stupid for letting a friend spread bad gossips at me for the nth time... i once confronted her but the forgotten about it the next day. there comes a time that i just tell myself let people be if they change or not that's gonna be their decision.

[Max T]

Perhaps we vary on a similar underpinning.

I never get angry (nor internalise- just go with flow) and try to be more forgiving as I get older since others do and say a lot of things without seeing implications.

Counteracting this 'easy-going' way, I do keep a mental log and if the negatives really stack up and pass a tipping point, I take the view that 'life's too short' and just cut the person out of my life.
So no grudge, retribution etc. since you're in effect getting down to their negative level, but just absolute exclusion instead. This barely happens but the one or two understand.

Outwardly this may appear to be a continual grudge, but to hold a grudge requires remembering the person. ;)

[rwyatt365]

Perhaps we vary on a similar underpinning.

I never get angry (nor internalise- just go with flow) and try to be more forgiving as I get older since others do and say a lot of things without seeing implications.

Counteracting this 'easy-going' way, I do keep a mental log and if the negatives really stack up and pass a tipping point, I take the view that 'life's too short' and just cut the person out of my life. *
So no grudge, retribution etc. since you're in effect getting down to their negative level, but just absolute exclusion instead. * This barely happens but the one or two understand.

Outwardly this may appear to be a continual grudge, but to hold a grudge requires remembering the person. ;)

Max T i grok you.

I give people several chances to cause me grief. When they reach my tolerance limit...they're gone, no looking back. I don't hate anyone that has reached that level, I just don't have anything to do with them any more.

[phoenix]

Counteracting this 'easy-going' way, I do keep a mental log and if the negatives really stack up and pass a tipping point, I take the view that 'life's too short' and just cut the person out of my life. *
So no grudge, retribution etc. since you're in effect getting down to their negative level, but just absolute exclusion instead. * This barely happens but the one or two understand.

I am exactly this way. I give everyone a chance, and do not pay to much attention to my first impressions. But if you wrong me, purposefully, I will never give you a chance to do it again.

I have a LOT of ex-friends, only a few of which I have deliberately cut out of my life. The rest were caused by circumstance (moving away, divorce, etc.). But the friends I do have are good ones.

[Guido]

So no grudge, retribution etc. since you're in effect getting down to their negative level, but just absolute exclusion instead. This barely happens but the one or two understand.

Outwardly this may appear to be a continual grudge, but to hold a grudge requires remembering the person. ;)

Yeah, this is exactly what I meant. If I've been betrayed, I just cut the person out of my life and be done with it. Most people consider doing this to be 'holding a grudge' but I see it more as common sense. I've only ever had to do this to 2 people. For the most part I'm very easy to get along with and hard to upset.

This one guy (ISFJ?) dicked me really badly to get with girls we both liked. I can't be friends with someone who's going to be underhanded when it comes to girls (as well as having a history of doing this.) He still hangs around other friends I know, and people tell me 'he's changed' and 'he's really sorry'. This happened almost 3 years ago, and people don't understand why I won't let it go.

Other person was this ISFP chick I 'dated.' She had complete lack of consideration for me as she was just 'living for the moment' which tends to go with that personality type. Fun times...

But yeah... I hate doing it, but sometimes people just need to be cut off. :o

[v1cious]

yes, i hold grudges.

i don't really believe in "changing" people. you are who you are and i am who i am, if you fuck me over once, i'm not going out of my way to change you.

usually i do this without telling people, but if they ask, i'll tell them.

[INTJohn]

Not really - generally speaking; its not worth the emotional or mental effort.

but; I must admit there are a few persons I've encountered in Life who will rue the day I am ever diagnosed with a fatal disease......... :^)

INTJohn

I need to add that "Revenge is a plate best served cold"........MMMMM very tasty

[ciphersort]

Betrayal is not something I can ever forgive and forget.

Nor should you. It's very hard to get on my shit list, but once on it it's just about impossible to get off.

yes, i hold grudges.

i don't really believe in "changing" people. you are who you are and i am who i am, if you fuck me over once, i'm not going out of my way to change you. usually i do this without telling people, but if they ask, i'll tell them.

I don't converse with them other than to tell them never to contact me again. If they keep trying then the spikes come out.

[biased]

If someone is insincere or engages in any form of dishonesty, I'm done with them. :thumbsdown:

I'll hold a grudge against them until I can see without any doubt they've changed. I have yet to see this happen, mostly they continue with the same mentality.

[logan235711]

As some others have mentioned, I don't really care about first impressions either when people are approaching me. I do however take notice if I am doing or about to speak with someone who will care--and obviously I oblige to prevent any worry. Also, I don't have people gain trust from me initially, you have it when I first me you--anything from there is up to you keep it or lose it. Lastly, grudge-wise, I don't really hold grudges probably cause I think most people don't do things to me out of personal spite, even if they did I probably did something to cause them to feel that way as well so I should work equally hard to see what I can do for our relationship. And, as others have mentioned, I have better things to do with my time than wallow about and think about glaring at people all day.

[Natrushka]

People don't change. Change is tough when it involves behaviour even when you WANT to change.

As for grudges, I like to think more about 'cutting losses'. This is the thought process, roughly.

I tend to be neutral and polite toward people I don't know, or have just met. Everyone gets a fair chance. When someone proves they're untrustworthy or unreliable their neutral status gets revoked and I put them on my "on notice" list. If they continue to be unreliable / untrustworthy they are cut loose. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." I then tend to forget about them. It isn't a grudge exactly, it's The Way It Is. Being close to people, having intimate relationships that go beyond civility, takes energy and time. My time is precious to me, I decide where and on whom I spend it.

People don't change and most of them, given enough rope, will hang themselves - or let you down.

[Natrushka]

I need to add that "Revenge is a plate best served cold"

Variation on that theme:

Revenge is a dish best served by me.

[mind_wander]

Guido,

I give the first impression of a clean slate, then re-evaluate their actions and habits. Lets just say its can be a double-edge sword. I do give chances, but once you crossed the line, bye bye.

[Chainsaw Dundee]

I feel like those who piss me off are somewhat forgiven after I get revenge, but I definitely go back to a 'clean slate'. I don't forget, and they are going to have hard time regaining my trust.

And yes. I always get my revenge.

[Bossy Mom]

I try not to, but some people are unworthy of my esteem. People who are back-stabbers and two-faced will never receive my forgiveness, and neither will someone who attempts to intimidate me. I will cut these people out of my life. These people are a tiny number in the span of my years and have had little influence on it. They have a problem, I don't.

[Dib]

I am quick to judge people the minute I meet them. I'm open to learning more about them and my view can change. I usually have strong opinions from the start if hey do something I dislike. There's plenty of other people in the world and I don't feel like I have to be friends with everyone. If it's just anyone, I won't pursue getting to know them. I suppose this could be considered a grudge.

[Weirdology]

Oh yes, I hold grudges for a very long time. In fact, I don't remember letting go of any of them even to this day. I guess that's not healthy. I used to think about revenge as a way to get rid of my negative feelings but never acted out on it, mostly because there was no way to.

As for first impressions, they don't mean much to me unless it's obvious I wont like them. Like if they insult or hit me. lol. Then I have a grudge against them. Other than that, I judge as time goes by.

[thegnat]

I like to avoid people I don't like in general.

What usually happens with me is:
1. People are doing something to probably annoy me and I tolerate it for a very very very long time.
2. They actually get me mad (this is RARE)
3. I cut them out of my life.
4. I end up forgetting about them anyway and we usually end up going separate ways. And I sort of forget my grudge but I wouldn't be happy seeing them the next time probably.

[cielo market]

My father always instilled on me as a child that "emotions are precious, don't waste them". Unless I was really really hurt by someone close to me, I don't think they'd be worth my angst. Like if it was some loser who I didn't like in the first place, I'd block out the memory of them from annoying my brain.

[bucolic_]

Hmm, I don't know about holding grudges, but like others have said, I just cut them out. I have an ex who screwed me over pretty badly, and so at first I was really angry, and held a grudge, but once I was over it, I just cut her out completely, and stopped feigning friendship. She actually came back and asked me to get back together with her, but by then I really didn't care about her at all.

Same thing with a coworker, once good friends, but when the new boss came in, he totally changed, and turned against me, along with a couple other coworkers. It was ridiculous, it was like they had their little crew, meanwhile, all the new interns looked up to me, because I wasn't a power-hungry dick, so I just quit the job a couple months later. I can't stand that kind of drama.

Aside from cutting out people who have screwed me over, I generally give people the benefit of the doubt, until I realize they have little redeeming quality, at which point I just dislike them, and so I guess that could be considered a "grudge" but it's more like I just realized I don't like them, and don't want anything to do with them. And once they've reached that point, I won't make any more attempts to understand them.

[bucolic_]

My father always instilled on me as a child that "emotions are precious, don't waste them". Unless I was really really hurt by someone close to me, I don't think they'd be worth my angst. Like if it was some loser who I didn't like in the first place, I'd block out the memory of them from annoying my brain.

Sage advice, I know I've been worked up over people in the past, but you just need to forget them. Besides, you can't let them win by allowing them to still affect/upset your life ;)

[TruorTupnm]

Hold grudges much? No, not often, but some are held, yes. As with pretty much everyone else, I don't hold a grudge unless someone has betrayed me. It take a bit to betray me. First, you have to be someone that I have thought is superly cool for a while, which doesn't happen easily. Second, you gots to somehow betray me. There are different levels of betrayal, of course, and not all seem to be intentional. They get chances. The final chance comes after I have walked up to you and said, "Ah, greetings, dude. Remember me? You've been messing with me for a while? I've been telling you that it's not cool. Yeah, so quit that stuff. For real, dude. No more. So, then, how's about we go out to eat?" If the final chance is wasted, I shut down, similar to many others here. I reminisce every now and then and feel bad that things went that way, but I don't turn back.

No revenge, though. Yikes! Seems evil! Why would I stoop? They expect stuff like that! Wait until they've forgotten who you are, then track them down and obtain the revenge undetectably. Hm. Something to think about, but, uh, never to be actually done! Gasp! ::)

[Figmentum]

I don't forgive. If someone tries to mess with me, they're on their own after that. With a boot in their...

[logan235711]

Ass!

[jtskinner]

I hold grudges, and I hold them vengefully and for a long period of time.

[imoutofhere]

I read someone's intro about not giving others a second chance, so I figured I'd stick this up and see what people think. I read in a profile for INTJ somewhere awhile back that we're slow to 'forgive' people. My personal take on this is that I start everyone off on a clean slate when I first meet them, and then over time this changes as I map out their personality and observe their actions. As they slowly (or often very quickly) screw up their slate over time, I re-evaluate whether I still want to be friends with them or hang around them in general. I don't see it so much as not 'forgiving' a person rather I see it as realizing 'this is who they are' and doing my best to stay the hell away from them if need be.

Some people are under the impression that 'people can change' and I really disagree with this. People can learn how to hide or ignore their natural impulses through their experiences of getting 'burned' from their poor choices, but I truly believe that people really can't change. Do you really want to hang around someone who's capable of hurting you on some level? I know I can't.

I'm curious what other have to say about this, or if there's any interesting stories out there :o

Agreed. Only, at the same time as wanting to get away from such people after getting to see how horrible they are, being borderline can make it hard to completely walk away, especially if they try to pull me back. One of my old school mates actually abused the borderline quite a bit. She'd stab me in the back and then act all nice to me seconds later like nothing was wrong making me torn between the rational and the hard to control emotions. It would work, and then I'd get to feel like **** later because I couldn't fight it. I've since emotionally distanced myself from the old school mates to make it easier to control my emotions. Only the INFJ friend fully matters anymore, because she won't do anything like that.

And, yeah, grudges. If someone did anything bad enough, it'll never be forgiven or forgotten. But, it's not like I'm like that over little things. And, even if I'll never forget, after some years I'll start to move on and just be more weary of such things.

[xtremegeek]

I hold grudges, and I hold them vengefully and for a long period of time.

That's scary! :scared: What does the grudge accomplish for you? :thinking:

[generalowk]

I tend to hold grudges.

There's an old saying that explains why:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[NephilimAzrael]

Question: Hold grudges much?
Answer: Yes.

[Antisocialite]

I read someone's intro about not giving others a second chance, so I figured I'd stick this up and see what people think. I read in a profile for INTJ somewhere awhile back that we're slow to 'forgive' people. My personal take on this is that I start everyone off on a clean slate when I first meet them, and then over time this changes as I map out their personality and observe their actions. As they slowly (or often very quickly) screw up their slate over time, I re-evaluate whether I still want to be friends with them or hang around them in general. I don't see it so much as not 'forgiving' a person rather I see it as realizing 'this is who they are' and doing my best to stay the hell away from them if need be.

Some people are under the impression that 'people can change' and I really disagree with this. People can learn how to hide or ignore their natural impulses through their experiences of getting 'burned' from their poor choices, but I truly believe that people really can't change. Do you really want to hang around someone who's capable of hurting you on some level? I know I can't.

I'm curious what other have to say about this, or if there's any interesting stories out there :o

I'm JUST like that. People think I'm mean but to me, this makes perfect sense. You show me that you'll screw me, I'm done with you. I do still wonder why more people don't think this way.

[blckprljinju]

Clean Slate, then picture of what they do, usually won't act annoyed by anything they do until I get a very clear picture of how they are, then after one cross over the line that counts as "too many", i just cut them out of my life... not without repercussions on their part though...

then it's... just done. My friends truly do not understand how I function though...

[rain]

i forgive people very easily. however, i like to put them into "categories" for instance i may like someone on a personal level, but decide that they aren't people whom i would consider reliable when working together. i esp. hate flakes. as far as personal relationships, once i decide that that person and i aren't compatible, there isn't any way in hell i would be involved with that person again in a romantic way. 3 strikes and you're out. 3 being that perhaps the 1st transgression was a one-off, 2nd considering perhaps the person is willing to chance, and 3rd just for the benefit of the doubt, but beyond that i am willing to bet that people who cannot change their behaviors the first time around is setting up a pattern of behavior.

as far as family, i easily forgive them, i never hold a grudge, but i'll need at least two weeks of space and breathing room before i come around with good humor again.

with other aspects, i think it's negative to hold grudges and vengeful feelings. usually after releasing negative energy- always through my writing and never in any physical or violent way to other people- i feel immensely better and don't think about the situation too much in detail except what i have gained from it. usually in the worst situations, there is always something positive to gain, and i rather focus on those qualities than always be in love with your own misery- which i think a lot of introverts tend to do.

[callmemigs]

I don't hold grudges. I'll just obliterate their existence from my mind. Very much like amnesia. I can do it easily. I don't know how it works but for sure, I will never forgive them. I'll simply erase them until when I will meet them again, I won't remember who they are but my intuition would tell me to avoid them. Some part of me would feel sorry for them but my mind would always say I don't have to waste my time on these people. I won't feel anything after that.

Watching them suffer always gives me the satisfaction though. I will be heartless and sadistic if people really betrayed me on purpose and destroyed everything I had (respect, status, everything).

If someone lied to me, I'll forgive him/her but my 100% trust with the person would go down to 80%.

[iseesound]

Yep, I admit I hold grudges.
Well, if a grudge is the same thing as completely cutting the manipulative person out of my life.
Also, I agree completely with the OP.

There has only been one instance where I invited someone back in my life. But that took around four years for me to think it through. Hasn't back fired yet. :nice:

[Antares]

I don't hold grudges unless there aren't any benefits to reap. Even then, I doubt I can maintain my anger for that long. I try to genuinely like people at first, but after he or she has wronged me (and after a little initial anger), I stop trying. Instead, I try to use them for my benefits (if that includes being friendly to them, so be it). Anger is quickly replaced by derision and contempt afterwards; they aren't strong and all-consuming emotions. I don't cut the chord unless the person in question has nothing to offer me; I'm always on the lookout for someone to copy homework off :D Or be my 'walking agenda book', in case I miss something. When interacting with them, I manipulate myself into thinking that I genuinely like them; and quite surprisingly I can act the part. A little wrong isn't worth all the benefits I can usually reap from people. I guess my real object of desire is profit.

[Monte314]

I don't hold grudges. I have enough need of grace from others that I can't afford to be unforgiving.

"For if you do not forgive the faults of others, neither will your faults be forgiven." --Jesus

[Harmony]

Max T i grok you.

I give people several chances to cause me grief. When they reach my tolerance limit...they're gone, no looking back. I don't hate anyone that has reached that level, I just don't have anything to do with them any more.

Ditto that... I give tons of chances... And if you still screw up, I just walk away and you no longer exist to me... Can only handle so many knives to the back!

[CaseBlue]

I tend to hold grudges for a very long time, but they are relatively hard for me to form. The quickest way for someone to earn a grudge from me is to act badly towards someone I am fond of; in this case the grudge is never forgiven. If it is against myself, over time it may erode.

While I may not act disfavorably towards the individual, I will also not go out of my way to help them. Typically, I mentally label the person unworthy of notice.

[ranwayslo]

Question: Hold grudges much?
Answer: No, If I am angry enough with someone I become entirely indifferent to them. I seek neither to help nor to harm them. For me that person ceases to exist as an individual and becomes something else beneath my notice.

"Neglect is often the most harsh form of abuse." - Me