female INTP after one of you...in need of advice

[micha]

hello INTJs of this forum!

I got here when trying to find out if my INTJ friend of years was attracted to me or not, from what i´ve read so far , it seems that he does... (or thats what i want to believe)

my reasons for getting to this semi conclusion are that:



He is very thoughtful with me,and i know that that´s not something that comes naturally to him.
We can talk freely for hours about our many common interests (literature,history,philosophy, plans to take over the world...), joking and talking about deep stuff and then make sarcastic remarks...
He knows everything about me, once he lectured me about the history of my last name, its origin and such (which being as intp i had already researched but it was nice hearing it from him).
He has complimented me many times about my intelligence...
He never touches people but when we talk touches me casually many times.
We have gone for a few drinks twice and both times ended up hugging each other and talking about how much we liked being together.


What makes me doubt whether he is as much interested as I am , is that it´s always me the one who asks him out, and every time I do he accepts and we have a terrific time, but then he never calls nor asks me out again.
I ask him out from time to time, but when i get tired then i don´t hear of him for one or two months. Then we meet at some art show or play or whatever and the cycle starts over.

The thing is that i really like him, but i get the feeling that he sees me more as a good friend.

I want to confront him, but i don´t want to scare him... not that i want to propose or anything, just let him know that i have feelings for him...

Do you think it´s a good idea?
How would you react?, and do you think he likes me or is it all in my head?

[Samoan Corleone]

I'd say he likes you, but he's unsure of how you feel about him. If he was only interested in being friends with you he would've refused outings with you. The touching is an important factor as well. Trust me, if you're direct with him he'll be a lot more direct with you.

[Silverity]

I think you can afford to be blunt about it. I have a lot of faith in the hardiness of friendships.

Truly, I think he'll be caught off-guard, might give you the bunny-in-the-headlights look for a moment, you'll probably be able to hear the gears in his head spinning.

Really I'd just ask for clarification, kind of a "so where do we stand at. Am I a close friend, like a sister, potential girlfriend" that sort of thing.

I don't think the INTJ lads are known much for initiating so don't be too alarmed by it. As for the time between meetings...well, that could be just because he's more introverted than not. One thing a lot of people forget to calculate is that just because he's not seeing you doesn't mean he isn't being drained to the dregs by other social contact, right? So he might be in need of an energy recharge. Honestly, I don't see a lot of my friends for months, even YEARS at a time...and I love them :) I wouldn't mind seeing more of them but frankly I'm not the type to continuously make that effort.

In short: ask him where you stand with him. It's possible he likes you, I think it's equally possible he thinks you're a good friend. I strongly think you one of our INTJ menfolk should shoot you an answer =P

[Soulless]

yup i agree with silverity. INTJs aren't your usual type of guys, and we're often reluctant to act until we're 100% sure. be blunt and ask him where you two stand. but don't do it too often - we also get annoyed with talking about relationships/feelings.

[micha]

thanks to all for answering: that was fast, and unanimous!!!
*deep breathe* intjs have spoken... i should obey.

I´m definitely going to talk to him, and Soulless, dont worry: It will only be once! i don´t like talking about relationships/feelings either...

[mrStevens]

You wouldn't happen to have gone skateboarding with this fella and possibly shared a caffeinated beverage? Did he perchance walk you to your dorm room once or twice?

If so, I think you should kiss him. But that's just me.

[thod]

Why bother with all this reasoning stuff. You are already touching each other so jump him and rip each others clothes off.

[Elfrun]

I ask him out from time to time, but when i get tired then i don´t hear of him for one or two months. Then we meet at some art show or play or whatever and the cycle starts over.

Eh, the hot-cold of an INTJ, not fun. The best approach is definitely the one that leaves no room for him to misinterpreted your intentions and convince himself that he's imaging your interest. Jumping him works ;D

[zibber]

What makes me doubt whether he is as much interested as I am , is that it´s always me the one who asks him out, and every time I do he accepts and we have a terrific time, but then he never calls nor asks me out again.
I ask him out from time to time, but when i get tired then i don´t hear of him for one or two months. Then we meet at some art show or play or whatever and the cycle starts over.

If I'm going by my own behavior, that isn't necessarily meaningful. Sometimes I don't see my best friends for a month (or more), for no reason in particular. The same has happened with women who I was interested in.

If you're serious about your pursuit, I think you could try being a bit direct (we do love that) and seeing what happens. Do you think you stand to lose anything?

[Il Prodigio]

he's into you. The touching is a really good sign. He's waiting for you to give him an opening. Meaning, hes already made up his mind. He wants to become physically comfortable with you, but I am the same way. I won't make a move if I dont really feel passion. It has to be there from both parties.

If its not there on your side, the INTJ just feels silly after making the move. Or at least this is how i've felt. The key is comfort I think.

Make him comfortable and show him that your ok with being physical. Do this by opening up your body language. Look into his eyes, get close to him, show him your ok holding his hand.


its pretty easy. I always wish girls would do this stuff. The types I usually am going after it feels like I'm doing most of the work. I lose interest when this happens. I lose interest or any passion.

[JCrow]

just to play devil's advocate,

I have a close female friend who I love spending time with. She is really awesome at challenging me, not letting me get away with my normal bullsh#t stick-in-the-mud behavior and at the same time knowing when to be gentle with my feelings. She is the most accepting person i know

I really care about her, and don't want to be in relationship with her, for several reasons.
1. I don't really think of her romantically
2. Not really attracted to her sexually
3. I NEED her as a friend, because she calls me out, challenges me, and most importantly reminds me to be human
4. She is very carefree, follows whims and her house and clothes are always in complete disarray...I like this about her, but I know if I dated her I would try to change her, and I couldn't 'deal' with those things. I would try to 'fix' her.
5. I know the relationship won't work in the long run

with that said,
I absolutely love hanging out with her and she's one of my best friends, and I occasionally think I need to avoid her so she doesn't think I 'like' her and want to date her. Because there is a spark there too, cause we really hit it off and she gets my humor.

Every once and a while she will say "There is something I have to tell you"
and I get really tense and try to deflect, change the subject, make a joke or say "not another girl professing their love to me...", and then she usually hits me in the arm and tells me something unrelated. And I relax again.

With all that said, your INTJ has probably thought about the possibility of dating you. After all, INTJ's are all about possibilities, chances are he's probably thought it through and either has decided against it, or isn't 100% sure how you feel and needs that 'push' to make a move. OR wants you to make it.

[Billy Cox]

Here's something I think would work the best:

At the end of your next evening together, be incredibly direct with him. Tell him exactly how you're feeling, but keep it brief; no need to get into finite detail about your feelings. Just remember--direct! Afterwards, say something to the effect of, "That's how I feel. Give me a call, OK?", and just let him have the night to think about it. Yes, you will get the "deer in headlights" look from him as the initial shock sinks in, but he does like you and is likely too shy in making his feelings known. All the signs point in your favor; this is classic behavior for me if I'm interested in a woman. Researching the history of your last name?!?! Come on! What more do you need?! :) Trust me, this is going to work out fine.

Just one thing; if he has the INTJ thing about touching (and even if he touches you), do not make a big physical move on him after telling him how you feel. Let him prepare for that, and feel free to do so the next time you see him. Just the fact that you will have laid all your cards out on the table will be a massive shock wave of happiness for him, followed by his having an internal Q&A session up until the next time you see him. A quick hug and a nice smile would be fine, though.

[Lord Shadowbane]

In short, all the signs are there. He definitely likes you but doesn't want to feel like an idiot if he tries to start a relationship that's more than casual; he needs to see that you like him as well, otherwise he probably won't take any chances. (The same kind of thing happens to me when I like a girl. I'm always hesitant.) He tries smaller moves like compliments and "accidental" touching to try to show you that he likes you IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IT. He assumes that if you like him, you'd notice these things and that if you didn't, you wouldn't notice them. They're deliberate, trust me. (I did the same thing. For half a year.) AS for the on-and-off, INTJ's can be like that. Plus, he might be unsure whether or not you like him, and it can take some time to regather a bit of courage. If I were you, I'd be direct. As Zibber says, try being direct. It'll startle us because we don't expect people to be that way, but we love it. It's great and helps understanding, which is a big thing for us. (At least for me.)

[micha]

Here's something I think would work the best:

At the end of your next evening together, be incredibly direct with him. Tell him exactly how you're feeling, but keep it brief; no need to get into finite detail about your feelings. Just remember--direct! Afterwards, say something to the effect of, "That's how I feel. Give me a call, OK?", and just let him have the night to think about it. Yes, you will get the "deer in headlights" look from him as the initial shock sinks in, but he does like you and is likely too shy in making his feelings known. All the signs point in your favor; this is classic behavior for me if I'm interested in a woman. Researching the history of your last name?!?! Come on! What more do you need?! :) Trust me, this is going to work out fine.

Just one thing; if he has the INTJ thing about touching (and even if he touches you), do not make a big physical move on him after telling him how you feel. Let him prepare for that, and feel free to do so the next time you see him. Just the fact that you will have laid all your cards out on the table will be a massive shock wave of happiness for him, followed by his having an internal Q&A session up until the next time you see him. A quick hug and a nice smile would be fine, though.

WOW just what i needed, a detailed plan of action, i feel tempted to print this and some other advices and study all the possible outcomes... XD

In fact after thinking and thinking and thinking, i wasnt able to find any reason not to be direct, so i´m meeting him next week....wish me luck

Even if this works out something tells me that this is just the first step in the journey of understanding the way intj´s deal with relationships... you guys are so interesting :D !!!

[NovemberRain]

It's quite obvious that he likes you, but not everyone will jump into relationships 'simply because they like you'.

INTJs like us analyse a lot of stuff before deciding if we should or should not do something, and most of the time we execute our plans quite well.

This is definitely not a detailed plan of action, but if you think hard enough you'll know why he might not have made his move - only you know what might have made him reluctant.

Or better yet, confront him directly, but that might jeopardize your friendship with him...

Who knows.
Me think.

Best of luck and lots of love!!!!!! :D

[NoOne]

Most of this does not make one ounce of sense to me. What does it matter what you suppose some else thinks or not?

We use language for specific purposes, and until one becomes a mind reader, all one can do is learn how to give and keep their word.

I have always just stated plainly, I want to get married, have and raise a family the best a I can. You either want to do that with me or not. Simple as that.

For, one learns a person by trying to achieve something with them. They are either capable or not.

I have noticed that if someone is evasive, it is because they really do have something to hide. Simply avoid them.

Love is a craft, Blind people fall in love, the gifted create it.

[ElstonGunn]

What makes me doubt whether he is as much interested as I am , is that it´s always me the one who asks him out, and every time I do he accepts and we have a terrific time, but then he never calls nor asks me out again.

So what? Personally, I almost never call people or make plans, although I accept most invitations when I get them. I don't dislike people. It just doesn't occur to me to ask people if they want to do anything. If I feel like going out somewhere, which isn't especially often, I just go out somewhere, without even thinking about calling people and seeing if they want to go, too. If other people usually handle the planning of things that include multiple people, I see no reason for me to step in and try to do that as well. I don't have a high need for pair or group activities, and my "quota" is easily filled by the things that I get invited to.

It has absolutely nothing-- zero, zip, ziltch-- to do with my opinion of the people involved.


I want to confront him, but i don´t want to scare him... not that i want to propose or anything, just let him know that i have feelings for him...

Do you think it´s a good idea?
How would you react?, and do you think he likes me or is it all in my head?

I do think it's a good idea, but I don't think you'll do it. I'll be the first to say that I'm pretty cynical about these things. That being said, I think you'll most likely figure out a way to misinterpret something that he does and erroneously take it as a sign that he's not interested, because that's a lot safer than being direct and clear with him. Or maybe you'll do something that you think is clear and direct, but in reality, anyone other than you would need some kind of Rosetta Stone to decipher it. And then you'll take his inevitable lack of understanding of your hint as a sign that he's not interested.

I hope I'm wrong, because it would be nice if he was interested and you were able to have a relationship with him. But I don't think these situations work out very often. People often assume that a secret, prior interest in you is a prerequisite for dating that person to be interested in dating you. It's not impossible to say something to someone who never thought of you as a potential romantic option, and find success that way. In other words, the hell with what he wants and what he's thinking. You're never going to be able to figure that out without asking him, and even a series of direct questions and answers will never give you the whole picture. Focus on what you want and then try to figure out how to get it (if it is in fact possible to get it-- if he's not interested, move on).