Argh! I hate it when guys hit on me.

[Santana28]

I love it, and hate it. Mostly, because i have absolutely NO idea how to deal with it. I am so rotten at those little social clues that I usually miss many of them before embarrasingly realizing that the guy i'm talking to has been hitting on me for weeks.

at work, we have lots of down time. i drive around in squad most of the night, and frequently local police officers do the same. we chat all of the time. well, everyone except for me - i stand by the mantra that i only talk when i actually have something to talk about, and not just to socialize. well... this particular police officer has been particularly persistent. last night i was talking to him about my upcoming divorce and he made a few statements along the lines of how "attractive" i am. i stopped and stared for a moment and then thankfully the clock saved me and i had to go in for end of shift. but now i dont know what to do.

how do my fellow INTJ females deal with these kind of situations?

the worst thing for me however, is that i am somewhat interested ;) but have a very difficult time moderating my interest - its either i am completely uninterested, or completely wrapped up. i've never "dated" casually because of this inability.

i really am not sure what to do now. i dont want to offend him, but i dont want him to think i'm just going to run off and hop into bed with him either... besides, hes a divorced K9 officer 15 years my senior ;) the dog hates me, btw. haha... but it has the potential for being... fun!

[thod]

and he made a few statements along the lines of how "attractive" i am.

Why does that mean he is hitting on you?

My mother tells me what a smart and attractive man I am. If you tell him you are going through a divorce then he will try to reassure you that you are an atrractive and worthy person. Thats what normal people do. They rate their interactions by how they make each other feel and that is the purpose of the interaction rather than informational content. You need more than that to determine if he is interested since he is a lot older he is possbily in parent mode reassuring the distressed child.

[Scooby]

As a male, I was in your shape. Only after years did I realize I could have nailed been the most popular guy in school. I was so unaware that I was being flirted with; it took my ex to point it out (endlessly). I knew the psychology and even clues, but never could relate them to me. Once I was divorced, I started learning quick. I could always read people, but never flirting. The words man ho and bedroom gangster were pretty much synonymous with my behavior. I couldn’t believe that I was so popular! Problem was I was looking for sex and not love. I used my powers poorly…hahahaha.

Use your intellect! You can study the opposite sex and learn so much from books and even trashy magazines. Then go out in public and see what applies. I was 33 years old and reading Red Book along with my psycho/social journals. It is now a big ego boost when I see the flirt, even if I just smile back.

[Santana28]

you're right. but in the event that he *is* hitting on me, i need to be prepared :)

that, and there are other things he has said...





Santana28 added to this post, 1 minutes and 52 seconds later...

actually, i'm at this point in my life where i am not even slightly interested in another serious relationship. but at the same time, i wouldn't know how to simply go out and have a good casual time if it came up and smacked me in the face. thats the predicament i'm in. and i know it never happens because i'm the one who always sabotages it out of fear... argh.

[ElstonGunn]

I think it might be worse as a male INTJ. I'm just as clueless about these things (if not more so, with all due respect) than you, and it's generally the male who is "supposed" to initiate things.

I'm just saying that I think it might be worse to not know how to start something than it is to not know how to respond. But then again, I guess it's basically the same problem at the core-- just not knowing how you're supposed to talk to people in the whole dating/romantic/flirting sense.

[PortInStorm]

Hey, go with your gut, for sure. The intuition isn't wrong usually, at least from what I've experienced.

I've found that turning it into a caring friendship thing kills most passion on the other side. ex. "You're attractive"- "That's really nice, thanks Bill! You know, congrats on that [insert police accomplishment here] *kindly pat on the arm*. Your family and friends must really be proud of you and your accomplishments. Have a great weekend and stay safe!" He'll feel more like he's talking with his grandma - nice, but very unsexy. If you withdraw, it'll make him want you more due to mystery etc. This is if you genuinely don't want attention right now.

[ElstonGunn]

I've found that turning it into a caring friendship thing kills most passion on the other side. ex. "You're attractive"- "That's really nice, thanks Bill! You know, congrats on that [insert police accomplishment here] *kindly pat on the arm*. Your family and friends must really be proud of you and your accomplishments. Have a great weekend and stay safe!" He'll feel more like he's talking with his grandma - nice, but very unsexy.

He will? I'm not denying that, but I wouldn't have thought so. But I like niceness in a woman, so maybe it's just me.

[Santana28]

whats interesting is that he might very well be some an INxx type himself. he is very quiet and not very good at making conversation himself (as i've noticed most cops tend to be).

elston - 1) i LOVE your avatar.
2) if a guy is always single, he can always fix that later. if a girl gets a reputation for sleeping with every guy in town... thats forever ;)

[JTG]

Argh! I hate it when guys hit on me.Me too! Although i am a guy so... yeah. In all seriousness though:

I was so unaware that I was being flirted with; it took my ex to point it out (endlessly). I knew the psychology and even clues, but never could relate them to me.

I have this problem as well, so i don't really think i could be much help on the issue. Even if i know somebody's flirting with me, i have zero clue in most cases what to do about it. The only time i feel comfortable making a move is after i've gotten to know somebody, so maybe that's your answer. If you and this guy go to any of the same events regularly, try talking about the event, or whatever's convenient at the time.

The main reason i'm posing in this thread is really to say guys have the same problem, and if anybody has a concrete solution, i'd appreciate it as much as Santana, haha :P

[ElstonGunn]

elston - 1) i LOVE your avatar.
2) if a guy is always single, he can always fix that later. if a girl gets a reputation for sleeping with every guy in town... thats forever ;)

1) Thanks. I wish I could take credit for it.

2) I guess so. But couldn't the girl move to another town, where no one is the wiser? ...I'm mostly just being a smartass. Both genders have their perks and disadvantages, but I think we can all agree that whichever one we are is the one that has it worse. :p

[Uytuun]

how do my fellow INTJ females deal with these kind of situations?

I like to think that if a guy is really interested he will be attracted to the stuff that makes me me: not being overly great at flirting, saying weird things, not saying much, blushing like mad, nervousness, hesitation, being over-talkative in some situations etc...:p

Definitely go with your intuition.

Try to think of situations and things to say that might be mildly inviting. If a similar situation pops up in the real world, you'll find it easier to react the way you want to. Try to study him a little...it will make you feel like you know him better and you'll feel more at ease around him...ask for his MBTI type. :p

And you have nothing to lose (I always try to get myself to reason: If it doesn't happen, I'll have my freedom, if it does happen, then I have a cool new challenge: it's a win-win situation - easier said than done, I know), doesn't that give you a bit of peace of mind and room for...spontaneity. There, I said it: spontaneity. :p

Essentially being yourself will probably get you the furthest. At least in my opinion.

[pavman]

He may have been trying to make you feel better about the divorce thing, but then, I don't think I know any man who would compliment in that way and not be hitting on someone...

I mean, did he just say you were attractive, or did he say something like don't worry, you're an attractive woman?

If it was the latter, he definitely was trying to console. If he didn't qualify it with something that could be interpreted as parentish, then I'd bet the farm he's got his eye on you :cool:

[Firelie]

how do my fellow INTJ females deal with these kind of situations?


I have a problem, because I don't notice that I'm being hit on unless the guy's really obvious about it, but by that point I'm annoyed because I don't like it when strangers ask me out/ask for my number. The only guy that I actually knew (in person) that ever hit on me was a bit of a manwhore, so I refused to get involved with him.

But yeah, how do I deal with it... I usually get flustered and say no, or tell them I have a boyfriend already...though this one guy tried to kiss me while we were casually talking, so I smacked him upside the head... haha I wouldn't recommend dealing with your problems in that way, though.

[BlackHawk]

INTJ male here, but I can relate.
Usually, one of my female friends will comment "Hey, BlackHawk, [that girl] was really hitting on you . . . "
One of the few good uses for Es . . . . ;)

[Emma]

Your experience really strikes a chord.

Last year, the same happened with one of my male best friend- I didn't realise he was hitting on me until the moment he tried to kiss me :scared:

In retrospect, there had been some "clues", but I really couln't fathom that anyone could be romantically interested in me. Like you, I think he may be an IN.. type: he's usually quiet, reserved, and we can talk for hours...
Unfortunately, this is something I've only shared with another male friend so far, my female friends are great, but they cannot compete with him intellectually.

How I reacted: it was very awkward, but I was very frank and told him I didn't want to lose his friendship (I really don't), but I didn't feel this way towards him. I added that it was likely that he thought himself "in love" with me because we got along well.

Then, we avoided each other for months (not a small feat since we go to the same small college). We resumed emailing each other, and things have been less awkward since.

However- and that's where I'm asking for advice too-, he hinted once at the fact that perhaps, I wasn't comfortable dating him because I was not very "touchy", and not because of my feelings.
I think that I know myself enough to say that I don't love him, and I told him again that really, I could only see him as a friend. He didn't talk about it again, but I feel incomfortable when we email each other. I'm afraid I'm giving him "mixed signals", but after saying twice I only wanted to be friends with him, I don't know what to do.

It sucks, because his friendship means a lot to me, and I don't want to give it up. He's one of the rare people I know with whom I can share ideas...
What would you do?

[Antares]

I actually knew when I was being hit on with one guy, but with the rest, I was quite oblivious. When they hit on me, I use sarcasm and cynicism to show I'm not interested :thinking: Not overly nice, I know, and my friends tell me that I give off this image that is not very girly or attractive, but I guess that's the way I am. When I'm actually flirting (rarely), people don't notice, but when I'm simply having a conversation that got comical, girls and guys accuse me of flirting. Oh well.

[OneBadMother]

I've been on both ends of the stick, weirdly enough. I often feel safe enough with friends that I don't really know whether they're interested in me until they ask me out. Then I usually react with a violent lashout of panic, where I clumsily clear some distance between myself and the other person. Last time it happened I was luckily able to say in all truthfulness that I liked someone else, and was able to stay reasonably calm until I got back home. When I'm interested in someone and want to ask them out, I'm apparently either subtle as a brick or too subtle, depending on who you ask. But yeah, finding out that someone likes you means that you scramble to check over all your interactions with them and hit yourself for not figuring it out sooner. And think "Why do they like me? They barely even know me!"

[thod]

So what do you do when you are not interested in building a relationship but wouldnt mind a quick shag?

Torn between options, tell her you are not interested and walk away, tell her you are not interested but wouldnt mind a night of fun, or play hide the sausage while telling her you love her. Men dont call each other sluts, chances are the other guys will cheer you on.

[OneBadMother]

True that, but some men might call you out on dishonorable conduct, depending on who you hang out with. Also, if you're playing the third option, once the truth inevitably leaks out the girl will probably tell all of her friends and their friends will tell their friends and it might end up deeming you untouchable within a certain radius of your location. Not to mention it's a kind of terrible thing to do, but since it's considered an option questions of ethics don't appear to factor into this. I'd say go with option #2. If she is into it you get your fun, if she's not she'll be driven away, which #1 isn't guaranteed to do.

[JTG]

For some reason, i always found random hookups unappealing. It's just not fun unless i know and like the person.

[Santana28]

For some reason, i always found random hookups unappealing. It's just not fun unless i know and like the person.

absolutely agree there. although, i dont mind "casual" relationships with people i know and like ;)

[JTG]

Oh yeah totally. Ideally, i'd love to find my way into a friendship with extra physical affection. Hell, i might marry the girl just to be in a simple, stable, sane situation (pardon my consonance) I think with somebody who's a friend, you can just be yourself without worrying if they'll want to break it off. Good friends can be honest with each other if they do or don't agree with something. Not that that's normally a concern on my end, but for my sake when they're talking to me, yeah. I'm a strong NT, but i'm not psychic.

One of my three "kind of relationships" was one of those. I was friends with this girl, and she suggested we become friends who can do stuff for fun but still stay friends. She was ENFJ i think, and needless to say, things ended up complicated. The basic premise though, seemed ideal at first.

[Santana28]

Oh yeah totally. Ideally, i'd love to find my way into a friendship with extra physical affection. Hell, i might marry the girl just to be in a simple, stable, sane situation (pardon my consonance) I think with somebody who's a friend, you can just be yourself without worrying if they'll want to break it off. Good friends can be honest with each other if they do or don't agree with something. Not that that's normally a concern on my end, but for my sake when they're talking to me, yeah. I'm a strong NT, but i'm not psychic.

One of my three "kind of relationships" was one of those. I was friends with this girl, and she suggested we become friends who can do stuff for fun but still stay friends. She was ENFJ i think, and needless to say, things ended up complicated. The basic premise though, seemed ideal at first.

you know, i've had friends with benefits type relationships - with REAL friends even - and i would almost go so far as to say that IS the best type of relationship for people like us. but i know it isnt. but in the mean time, it works well.

the only problem is finding someone who thinks similarly - if they're more emotionally inclined, then you have to deal with whims and feelings and self doubt. (and long stretches of time between meetings while they cope with their "guilt" ;) hehe)

actually, the fact that i *can* maintain a relationship like this is what killed one of my best friendships. it developed into a FWB type scenario (with an ENTJ) and he assumed and kept taking precautions for the fact that i wouldn't be able to handle it without getting emotionally involved. well, i proved him otherwise - and he freaked out about it. He's a control freak... haha. He knew i was, but he didn't know how well i could pull it off ;)

Actually, its a lie - lots of emotions involved. Just not emotions controlling my actions. Lots of emotions controlling his, but nothing more frustrating than someone who tries to convey them all through glances and the occasional physical touch in secret. I like to talk about these things - he likes to pretend they don't exist outside of his strict control.

Anyways, there's my off-topic justification for friends with benefits - you just might find the love of your life in one, because i think we truly are one of the few personality types who can pull it off.

[quentin]

Relationships are difficult. All that messy, icky emotional stuff gets involved.

.......

I have a bit of sympathy for women, based on the few times when I've been on the other side of the fence - being hit on (which rarely happens to most guys). Every time a gay guy hits on me, at once it's an ego boost and yet at the same time it creeps me out - because I am not gay and it disturbs me when someone that I am not attracted to comes on to me. It's not homophobic - I get icked out when older or ugly women come on to me, and I'm not attracted to them.

A couple of months ago, a very attractive but rather drunken woman came on to me extremely strongly after a rock concert, and I freaked out about it. All of my friends treated me like I was insane - "Dude, she's like totally HOT!" The ex-pat community where I live is quite small - everybody knows everybody else, and I've run into this woman a couple of times since then. But the problem was that she was coming on way too strong way too fast and while I'm a normal heterosexual male, I didn't know quite how to deal with it. Like I said, she's very attractive, and if she had approached me in a halfway normal manner, I would have made a date with her for dinner or something. But the insanely throwing yourself drunkenly at a guy is a big turnoff - in my mind, I'm thinking that if she does this to me, she's going to do it to lots of other guys, too. I'm not exactly into random hookups and one-night stands. If that was her intention, she picked the wrong guy. I guess that kind of thinking makes me very INTJ - most other guys I know would just go for it, without thinking. Most of the other men I've met in my life are total sluts. I'm just a weirdo in this way - I don't automatically go for any woman that's available.

[Santana28]

i'll agree with you there - presentation IS important. odds are if you are "flirting" and playing the game, i will ignore you. but if you know what you want and you are straightforward about it... i have a hard time not paying attention to that.