Help understanding someone

[coffeeloverfreak]

I find myself utterly mystified by a certain coworker who I'm having trouble getting along with, for some reason. I was trying to think about what her type might be, as one possible way of providing clues into her personality and, as a result, how I might be able to improve the situation, since it's negatively affecting the projects we work on together.

Some things about this coworker:

She seems to react emotionally a lot, sometimes to the point where she'll be crying and nobody will understand why she's upset. I've noticed a tendency to overreact to criticism or even innocuous statements.
She seems to require a lot of feedback on her work, and takes what people say - both positive and negative - strongly to heart.
She is a "creative type", I suppose, whatever that means.
She's one of the most social people in the company, and likes to chat and make "small talk". She's always talking, certainly not very reserved. (I'm pretty sure she's an E).
From what I've observed, she seems very sensitive.
She seems responsible, conscientious, and genuinely desirous to do a good job. I think she's a "people pleaser". She works hard and wants to get things right.
From what I can see, she doesn't have very high self-confidence, though I might just be projecting here.
She's a verbal communicator.
I think she focuses more on details than on concepts.


From the above, I'm thinking she's probably an ESFJ but I'm not sure. I realize that trying to type someone I don't know very well is inexact at best and horribly imprecise at worst, but if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.

Also, before anyone jumps on me, please note that I'm not necessarily blaming her for any issues we're having. I just figure that, since I have a pretty clear idea of who and what I am, maybe by understading her better, I can figure out a better way to communicate with her, or where we might best be able to find common ground.

So, what do you think her type might be? And any tips on how to best communicate between someone like myself (INTJ with strong N-S balance) and herself?

[Solaris]

Agh!! Needy emotional people, run away!!

She sounds like somebody trying to be somebody she isn't, and it failing miserably at it. I'm trying to think if I have known Es with low self-confidence, and I can think of none. I don't know what to say, I want to say INFP, but I don't know why. Also, I want to say INFP who's trying to be more ESFX.

[coffeeloverfreak]

But does E necessarily imply high self-confidence? To me, the I type is more self-confident, because Is rely less on external feedback for a sense of self, while Es need people around them for feedback and reinforcement.

Maybe I'm understanding it wrong.

[Solaris]

But does E necessarily imply high self-confidence? To me, the I type is more self-confident, because Is rely less on external feedback for a sense of self, while Es need people around them for feedback and reinforcement.

Maybe I'm understanding it wrong.

I don't need people for feedback and reinforcement. That comes from me. Sure, I value such things from the few I allow close to me, but I don't seek that from the world at large.

Neither I nor E imply high self-confidence, I just don't seem to have known any/many Es with low confidence. I thought some more about it, and I do know of one for sure. He's an ENFJ and he's definitely got some self-confidence issues.

[DeadSpace]

Do believe you are right about self esteem issue she has, could be coupled with something in her private life as well. Especially if she has good days and bad days at apparent random throughtout a work week. Her focusing on details lends to a highly critical eye...something else that could contribute to her mood, ie: she only sees her flaws, and may tend to see the negative before positive (too little info to know for sure) Creative types can be stable...though most i've encountered tend to see the flaws in their work. Valuable in a way....they drive themselves harder to weed out those assumed imperfections. The constant talking also adds to to low confidence picture, and/or something on her mind that she's not talking about...possibly the babble of words keeps her mind off what ever it may be.

As to interaction...depends on how well you can draw her out, asking how she is each day might be a start analyze her responses. Emotional feedback, smiling when talking to her (also works well with others) tends to help people relax somewhat, doesn't have to be a huge smile, even a little one registers. Quirk of the lips. Pat on the back (not literally) when she does well, leaning in (slightly!) shows interest in what she has to say. Building her confidence in you as someone she can talk to would help in working together. And yea, a whole bunch of touchy/feely/emo stuff...no way around it, she can't relate to you, or change how she thinks...or she wouldn't be as she is. Means you have to do the work :/

In short, huge self esteem issues, only way to work with that is give them confidence, and confidence in you. Someone they can rely on.
Best guess

[pavman]

I find myself utterly mystified by a certain coworker who I'm having trouble getting along with, for some reason. I was trying to think about what her type might be, as one possible way of providing clues into her personality and, as a result, how I might be able to improve the situation, since it's negatively affecting the projects we work on together.

Some things about this coworker:

She seems to react emotionally a lot, sometimes to the point where she'll be crying and nobody will understand why she's upset. I've noticed a tendency to overreact to criticism or even innocuous statements.
She seems to require a lot of feedback on her work, and takes what people say - both positive and negative - strongly to heart.
She is a "creative type", I suppose, whatever that means.
She's one of the most social people in the company, and likes to chat and make "small talk". She's always talking, certainly not very reserved. (I'm pretty sure she's an E).
From what I've observed, she seems very sensitive.
She seems responsible, conscientious, and genuinely desirous to do a good job. I think she's a "people pleaser". She works hard and wants to get things right.
From what I can see, she doesn't have very high self-confidence, though I might just be projecting here.
She's a verbal communicator.
I think she focuses more on details than on concepts.


From the above, I'm thinking she's probably an ESFJ but I'm not sure. I realize that trying to type someone I don't know very well is inexact at best and horribly imprecise at worst, but if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.

Also, before anyone jumps on me, please note that I'm not necessarily blaming her for any issues we're having. I just figure that, since I have a pretty clear idea of who and what I am, maybe by understading her better, I can figure out a better way to communicate with her, or where we might best be able to find common ground.

So, what do you think her type might be? And any tips on how to best communicate between someone like myself (INTJ with strong N-S balance) and herself?

You don't work at a health insurance company, do you?! This sounds like my last ESFJ girlfriend...run away!

[Thistle]

Also, before anyone jumps on me, please note that I'm not necessarily blaming her for any issues we're having. I just figure that, since I have a pretty clear idea of who and what I am, maybe by understading her better, I can figure out a better way to communicate with her, or where we might best be able to find common ground.

Given that you are hoping to remedy the situation (or at least make it workable for you both), have you considered being open with her and disclosing what you are sensing?

In the past, I've found it worthwhile to approach the subject directly - "I've been sensing some conflict between us and feel that it's getting in the way of our work. Would you be up for talking things through?". If she opens up, listen to what she has to say and check our your understanding of this with her. Hopefully, at that point, she'd be more up for listening to hear your frustrations. Things may not transform over night, but if she opens up it at least gives you more to work with.

Good luck!

[Zilal]

She sounds like an EF type who had bad family dynamics growing up, heh. I would keep that in mind... her childhood experiences may have a lot more to do with how she's reacting than her MB type does. There are several options for how to approach her... one is not to, I think, but just to keep your distance. However, she'll certainly need support if she's going to grow past the people-pleasing and sensitivity... it's dicey to get involved with emotional or clingy people, but it can be done, or at least tried. You could try giving her plenty of encouragement and reassurance (about anything!) while gently prodding her to question how she sees the world... "How did you think you did?" "What were the reasons you believed Jason's assessment of your work?"

I know you asked about how to find common ground with her, not how to be her life coach, heh, but if you already have a relatively solid sense of yourself, it can be rewarding to share that mindset with other people.

[The Rose]

Great idea, Thistle!

[coffeeloverfreak]

Life coach? Wow, that's ambitious! At this point I'd settle for civil!

[Ilikepepper]

What do you mean by 'not getting along with'? Is it just unease between you two or is there open hostility/emotionality from her? That could help as well.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Most of the time she's just kind of distant, but sometimes she can be downright chatty and friendly. Other times, she'll come bitch me out in front of everyone. The thing is, in all those circumstances - good or bad - there's never any logic to it. The things that set her off seem entirely random and illogical to me, so much so that I can't figure it out.

Once, my boss came to me to tell me I made her cry, and what did I do? I couldn't figure it out. He finally traced it to the fact that I sent her a one-line email saying "this is good, thanks!" for some work she had done the day before. She was apparently crying because I didn't give her enough feedback as to why it was good. I mean, ????

Another time, she came to yell at me - loudly, in front of everyone - because apparently I had a document open that she was trying to work on, and what was I doing opening her document and locking it (never mind that it was a document for my project), when I shouldn't be touching her document. WTF???

I can't figure out what I've done to set her off most of the time, so I don't even know what to apologize for (if anything) and I'm utterly bewildered at how to improve things.

[pavman]

Most of the time she's just kind of distant, but sometimes she can be downright chatty and friendly. Other times, she'll come bitch me out in front of everyone. The thing is, in all those circumstances - good or bad - there's never any logic to it. The things that set her off seem entirely random and illogical to me, so much so that I can't figure it out.

Once, my boss came to me to tell me I made her cry, and what did I do? I couldn't figure it out. He finally traced it to the fact that I sent her a one-line email saying "this is good, thanks!" for some work she had done the day before. She was apparently crying because I didn't give her enough feedback as to why it was good. I mean, ????

Another time, she came to yell at me - loudly, in front of everyone - because apparently I had a document open that she was trying to work on, and what was I doing opening her document and locking it (never mind that it was a document for my project), when I shouldn't be touching her document. WTF???

I can't figure out what I've done to set her off most of the time, so I don't even know what to apologize for (if anything) and I'm utterly bewildered at how to improve things.

See my previous post for advice.

[INTJoe]

She sounds like a strong ESFJ...the bane of the INTJ's existence!

Crying? At work?? She should be fired. In any case, whatever her MBTI, she probably is unhealthy and requires meds.

Solaris...there are all kinds of E's that aren't self-confident. It's hard to tell, because they project confidence.

She sounds like a pain. I would seriously consider telling your boss that the two of you can no longer work together because she's "an unhealthy ESFJ".

Then wait for your boss to approach you, asking "What the hell is ESFJ!?" hahaha. It would be hysterical. You can be like "look here...she bases her rationale on her feelings instead of logic. I can't deal with that, uspecially when she's not healthy."

[ElstonGunn]

She's one of the most social people in the company, and likes to chat and make "small talk". She's always talking, certainly not very reserved. (I'm pretty sure she's an E).

Ah, well there's your problem, there.


The thing is, in all those circumstances - good or bad - there's never any logic to it.

That's ain't helpin', either.


Crying? At work?? She should be fired. In any case, whatever her MBTI, she probably is unhealthy and requires meds.

Crying? At all? She should be sterilized. I'm exaggerating for comedic effect, of course. But I would be freaked out if one of my coworkers started crying, even if they had a decent reason to cry, let alone something as weird and/or stupid as not getting enough praise for a job they did.


She sounds like a pain. I would seriously consider telling your boss that the two of you can no longer work together because she's "an unhealthy ESFJ".

Then wait for your boss to approach you, asking "What the hell is ESFJ!?" hahaha. It would be hysterical. You can be like "look here...she bases her rationale on her feelings instead of logic. I can't deal with that, uspecially when she's not healthy."

I think telling your boss that you think she sucks is a good idea... though I would advise against saying it in so many words. Even just some geographical distance can help create personal space. If you could get moved to the other side of the office, you wouldn't have see her as much, right? I don't know if that's a possibility, though.

It might be bad if it got back to her that you were talking to the boss about her, though. I can only imagine what a fragile, irrational person would do when she found out that she and her faults were the subject of someone else's conversation. So on that note, you'd have more control if you told her directly.

Or you could just ignore the problem until it goes away. That's probably what I'd do. If some crazy person gets mad and/or cries, is that the worst thing that could happen in a day? Try to avoid causing it, of course, but I can imagine worse things happening at work.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Ignore it it is, then.

I've also been making an effort to give her more praise and positive reinforcement. To me, it sounds so patently transparent, like telling a puppy "good dog". I can't believe anyone goes for that shit. But I can tell it seems to be working. At any rate, she seems less angry with me lately.

[Danisty]

Crying? At work?? She should be fired.I think that depends on what a person is crying about. This woman though? Crying because his compliment wasn't wordy enough? That's just insane.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Hahahah why does everyone keep assuming I'm a guy? Maybe it's my INTJ-ish style... but I assure you I'm very much a "she". Us women like coffee too!

[Solaris]

I didn't assume you were a guy. I was actually thinking you were a woman.

Also, I know there are many Es lacking in self-confidence, I just haven't met too many of them. Doing a quick check of my closest friends over the years reveals that most of them were introverts. Those that weren't have to have confidence, or I just can't stand them.

[Paul V]

ENFP. I have a character in a novel I'm writing that's almost like that, only with more self confidence.


My advice: Whatever course of action you take, you'll be doomed. You can do the following:

A) Ignore her and let her annoy you to no end. You're doomed.

B) Get her to tell you what the hell is wrong with her. You'll fix it. She'll see you as her saviour/new best friend and she won't leave you alone for the rest of your life. You're doomed.

C) Get someone else to do B). That person will be on the receiving end of the excessive amount of affection and will grow to hate you. You will have lost a friend and gained an enemy. You're doomed.

D) Get her fired. She'll vow unending hatred towards you, and she'll probably try to cause as much harm to you as possible before collapsing and crying her eyes out, blaming herself for losing yet another job. The mental image will haunt you for the rest of your life. You're doomed.

E) Kill her. Same as above, except the crime will probably be solved by a team of nubile scientists who will say cheesy one-liners to you as you are being arrested.

F) Kill yourself. Probably your best choice.

G) Quit the job. You will forever hate that woman for having made you resign to the job that took you so much effort to get. The hatred will drive you to options E) or D), but this time, you will enjoy them. Unfortunately, it'll probably be too late to get your job back. You're doomed.

H) Same as option C), but use an ESFX or someone you deeply hate. My recommended course of action. High chances of backfiring, however.

[Zilal]

Most of the time she's just kind of distant, but sometimes she can be downright chatty and friendly. Other times, she'll come bitch me out in front of everyone. The thing is, in all those circumstances - good or bad - there's never any logic to it. The things that set her off seem entirely random and illogical to me, so much so that I can't figure it out.

Once, my boss came to me to tell me I made her cry, and what did I do? I couldn't figure it out. He finally traced it to the fact that I sent her a one-line email saying "this is good, thanks!" for some work she had done the day before. She was apparently crying because I didn't give her enough feedback as to why it was good. I mean, ????

Another time, she came to yell at me - loudly, in front of everyone - because apparently I had a document open that she was trying to work on, and what was I doing opening her document and locking it (never mind that it was a document for my project), when I shouldn't be touching her document. WTF???

I can't figure out what I've done to set her off most of the time, so I don't even know what to apologize for (if anything) and I'm utterly bewildered at how to improve things.

Ah... at my last job, our boss was like this. He was a very emotional guy (ENFP, I'll warrant) and stuff came out of the blue a lot with him. The worst was the day chewed me out for something he'd praised me for the day earlier. This is crazy-making stuff. It doesn't sound like he was as bad as your coworker, but on the other hand, he was my boss, and lawdy. He made the whole department miserable on a regular basis.

Those who lasted in the department got to a place where we mostly just accepted the craziness and smiled and nodded to him when he was being illogical. We couldn't change him. The best thing to do might be just to see your coworker as an opportunity to practice being a more patient person... sometimes that's all you can get out of it!

[INTJoe]

I wouldn't guess this lady to be ENFP.

Where do you get the P from? She sounds like a task-doer.

And she can't have N, because she's not deep enough to understand how weird/dumb/uncouth she is.

Shallow types are almost always "S". There are S's that aren't shallow, but if you meet a shallow person they're likely S.

[coffeeloverfreak]

After all this discussion and after thinking about it for a day or two, I'm even more convinced that my original assessment of ESFJ was correct.

Then again, I know some pretty awesome ESFJs as well. My mom is an ESFJ and she's one of the greatest people I know. Just goes to show how much variation there can be within a single type I guess.

[The Rose]

Yeah, and I've heard they greatly improve as they mature.

[coffeeloverfreak]

And it's contextual, too, I guess. My mom is great but I don't have to work with her, or engage in intellectual discussions with her. I would probably like my coworker a lot more if I didn't work with her, too.

[INTJoe]

...And if she wasn't batshit crazy.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Update one week later:

I started heaping praise on her for no particular reason, giving her touchy-feely feedback that even I couldn't believe I was saying, let alone that she was buying.

And guess what? Now she's my "best friend". She won't leave me alone. If I send out an email to the team, she writes back with "awesome email!". She even came up to me today to give me a hug.

So, um... I'm not sure which I prefer... crazy coworker who hates me, or crazy coworker who sticks to me like glue. I'm starting to think I should've left well enough alone.

Is it just me, or are people REALLY odd sometimes?

[Paul V]

Told ya so. :P

[med2006]

Update one week later:

I started heaping praise on her for no particular reason, giving her touchy-feely feedback that even I couldn't believe I was saying, let alone that she was buying.

And guess what? Now she's my "best friend". She won't leave me alone. If I send out an email to the team, she writes back with "awesome email!". She even came up to me today to give me a hug.


I wish I had found this thread earlier! As I was reading through this thread I was thinking that if you changed tactics (i.e. gave more praise) she would react like this. Not that praise is a bad thing but geesh! Hugs at work?

By the way, are you the project manager (PM)?
And do you have team meetings?

If you have them already do team members have the opportunity to discuss roadblocks and provide feedback as a group?

I’m thinking the group dynamic might take the pressure off of you. The downside would be her chattiness. But if everyone who wishes to speak is limited to 2 minutes max it might work.

Also, (and I know this doesn’t seem very INTJ-like of me) does your department or team do any socializing as a group? Maybe, a short happy hour or lunch every other week would give her enough of an opportunity to get the chattiness out of her system. Maybe all she needs (besides Prozac) is a feeling of acceptance/inclusion by the group. These get-togethers do not have to be long drawn out affairs neither should they be mandatory. Heck, maybe you could put her in charge of organizing them so she can get off your back.

I worked on a project to train employers on employee recognition programs once and research showed that not everyone in an organization needs recognition nor are they motivated by recognition in the same way. This is not a criticism but for some a “nice job” email is all they need or want. For others a $50 gift card is the ticket and still others want a certificate of appreciation they can display in their work areas.


Here is a link to a site on employee recognition in case you want to check it outTo view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[coffeeloverfreak]

LOL yeah, I know different people respond to different kinds of motivation and recognition. I just find this particular situation so ironic. I mean, she reminds me of Kreacher the house-elf for you Harry Potter fans in here.

[Zilal]

Kudos to you for trying something! Even if it didn't turn out the way you hoped. This is sort of an interesting experiment, I suppose. She just seems really insecure, unable to meet any of her needs herself. You could encourage her to challenge herself by, jeez, I dunno, passing on praise to other people, trying to be a role model for positivity in the workplace. She might have a tendency to see other people as either her oppressors or her saviors. Very black and white. If she can see herself as someone who could be a role model, that would encourage more texture in her views of other people... someone you would want to praise is neither an oppressor (that'd be perverse) or a savior (that'd be presumptuous).

[Solaris]

Update one week later:

I started heaping praise on her for no particular reason, giving her touchy-feely feedback that even I couldn't believe I was saying, let alone that she was buying.

And guess what? Now she's my "best friend". She won't leave me alone. If I send out an email to the team, she writes back with "awesome email!". She even came up to me today to give me a hug.

So, um... I'm not sure which I prefer... crazy coworker who hates me, or crazy coworker who sticks to me like glue. I'm starting to think I should've left well enough alone.

Is it just me, or are people REALLY odd sometimes?

You realize that if you go back now, she's probably going to stalk and kill you?

Seriously (or maybe the above was serious...), it's interesting to see the results of your action. I find it just as interesting to hear her reaction as to read about you stepping so far outside of yourself. I wonder if she values it more because you aren't normally this way. I wonder if she has even stopped to consider what caused you to suddenly become this way. Hmm.