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View Full Version : New to forum, need to get stuff off my chest.


alrightgame
08-21-2009, 12:51 AM
First off, I'm new to the forums after researching a little bit about INTJ personality I came here.

I'm slightly confused.
I have not been able to figure out my career path.
I am 24 years old. At 19 I originally went to college for computer science. I thought I was rather intelligent coming from high school. Little did I know I really wasn't.

About a year and half into my degree I found out I was a terrible problem solver. I'm so set in my ways it is hard for me to deviate from my way of thinking and couldn't cope with some of the bigger more complex programming assignments.

These assignments required me to solve a problem by analyzing step by step and then transforming it to code. I never could use my Calculus that I learned on these problems, because often times I never grasped the larger picture of the Calculus problems. I was good at equations, but never the methodology.

I quit school after three years of trying and getting distracted in other things (wow, mtg, just stupid stuff that wouldn't help me).

I moved in with my brother, got a fast food job, and moved into my own apartment.
I hated that job but I was good at it to the point that rules that were introduced to the restaurant just pissed me off. I absolutely hate blue and red tape. What would piss me off even more is workers who didn't work, but seemed to get along with the managers better. I always wondered why the hell I worked so hard and I wanted it to matter, but it never did. I made one friend while I worked there. A few of the "slackers" actually learned from me and eventually I felt more respect for them. They even started to appreciate me, but one night I just couldn't handled the place and quit right then and there.

I worked security with one other guard on a construction site out of necessity as it payed more and I got the job right away after walking out on a place (this is worse then getting fired). I thought empty thoughts for a year and half. When you are alone most of your shift, you start to wonder about the veil behind everything. Reality is no longer what it used to be. I would on my laptop when I could prevent myself from getting caught (they don't want us to play on computers, yet another rule that makes no sense to me). I'd listen to coast to coast, Rush, Jim Bohanen. I saw past their fopa immediately. Conservatives are really good at picking out cold hard facts. I liked that. At the same time though, I realized just how bad they are at putting their plans into effect. Liberals felt blue tape red tape. Too many rules, not enough motivation. Coast to coast was the only radio show I really liked. But yet another flaw of the hosts was the naivety of people, drinking the coolaid about the world ending and religion. I don't mind believing in a God, it is rather healthy, but believing books written by failable man to a rock science attitude just pisses me off. My father is one of these people, and I wish he would just wake up. And then there was the other security guard...

He was an older guy getting fucked over by his dead wife's taxes (filed jointly, she pulled money out of the 401k for his dead beat in jail son and never took care of her diabetes) that they were taking out of his measly paycheck. Some days he couldn't afford to come to work. I pleaded with him to call the IRS and just tell them flat out to stop, but deep down I knew it wouldn't work. He couldn't afford the lawyers as his credit was shot to take out a loan. I couldn't solve his problem as I was just as mentally unstable, with no friends, only my brother and his wife to understand me, stuck in a crappy apartment with loud neighbors that never gave a damn about how they mooched off an already tired government. The same government that was taxing this man and giving it to the people who didn't know what a condom was. I'd find him crying sometimes. This man was in jail security and a bouncer. He was a tough guy, but you could tell his wife was his soulmate. It just made me angrier. I never showed this anger but it was there on the surface.

I decided I needed to do something about it. I took a personality test, found out my career was in a Psychology of all places (the first was computer science, but well, that isn't going to work due to my ineptness at problem solving). I decided to focus on Psychology then pick up a Librarian sciences degree, as for some reason they require people these days to pick up 4 years of completely useless career paths before being able to take a 2 year course just because it falls under Master's. I guarantee you I could take the Master's course right now, but yet more red and blue tape. I was accepted into University of Iowa, a place more liberal then any other midwestern city. I have to buy 130 dollar healthcare for Gods sake, not that I can afford that shit. I have now moved to this city, stuck above a bar that has noise until 2am. I am now back into the restaurant job (soon) for 8 hours a week. I don't understand their shifting in terms of creating experience for students. They put you on different positions for 2-3 hours per week. I don't even know how a person could get good at this kind of job with practice like that. I started exercising and eating healthy food, but I can't help but feel like Travis from the movie Taxi, right after the lady he took to the porno dumped him. My feeling of control up to this week was good. I actually fooled myself to thinking I would make friends, but after 4 weeks of walking the streets, the only people who talk to me are the beggars on the street. I gave one of them 70 cents today after he told me he was hungry and asked for change.

I walked back to my apartment and grabbed some food and walked back to the spot, but couldn't find him anywhere, and was probably a scammer anyway. I took the personality test yesterday and was told I fell under INTJ. It was a bit different then my previous personality test, but not by much. I feel like this type of personality can only be truly be harnessed by higher IQ, better problem solving skills, and or something that eludes me. I am of average intelligence right now and I feel like my brain is mush. My memory is horrible. I see through everything when I read information. I grasp the concept of the subject but never the connection, nor the facts. I can never truly explain out loud to another person what I know because I understand when something works, but not how it works in detail. Or maybe it is the other way around and grasp the connection to something but not the concept. I feel wise and stupid at the same time. I don't even read books as I am rather slow at reading unless every piece of it enthralls me, but I want to work in a Library because I don't see anything else fitting me. I'm good at researching things I need to solve. I could have fixed the struts on my car if there was a guide on the internet and free tools to do it. I learned everything about how to solve problems on my computer by looking up the information. I have been having questions lately though that just can't be solved by google. Problems that are buried, and need multiple types of people to answer one question. It sucks not knowing who you are, and as much as I want to say hell yeah everything will be great, and how I should be thankful for everything which deep down I should be, I can't help but think about the 13k in debt I am in, the 80k in debt I will in, or my ability to grasp college again. I'm pinned into a corner. I can't quit, but I am just so unsure of the areas I don't know.

I'm sorry for such a long post, but this has been a stressful week for me and I just needed someone to hear it, read it, whatever, someone, anyone to relate to.
Thanks for reading.

Monte314
08-21-2009, 01:03 AM
Original (shamefully insensitive) post deleted... see below.

alrightgame
08-21-2009, 01:17 AM
Yoda doesn't have the face of a dog, nor does he care about circles. His eyes are much too large for hypnotizing toy glasses.
There, now you know me in one single sentence.
I'm going to bed, just ignore this post.

JustMel
08-21-2009, 01:37 AM
I read about two sentences and couldn't read anymore. You should know that no self respecting INTJ would read all of that without knowing beforehand if we'll learn anything of value to our world.

To each his own Yoda. Just don't feed the dog version licorice or you can clean up the mess.

Welcome anyway.

XSpidercideX
08-21-2009, 02:26 AM
So you had programming assignments that required calculus? Or at least where using calculus would be beneficial? What kind of programming assignments were these?

I graduated in computer science but I don't think I ever did anything in programming assignments past basic algebra or trig to calculate a value or position. Well, maybe in one class but that class was stupid and I never used anything I learned in it.

Ozz
08-21-2009, 03:14 AM
I also have a Computer Science degree and no, I have not used my calculus. However, some area of CPSC do use math such as Linear algebra.

papkan
08-21-2009, 06:45 AM
Hello. Ignore yoda, not everyone here is like that. You can now know that at least one person can relate to your story. I am 19 years of age, in a dead end job and can't seem to figure out life or who i am and why im here. I know life sucks but hang in there and maybe youll be able to help me out with some answers once youve found them

Night Runner
08-21-2009, 07:10 AM
Hey there, alright. Welcome to the forums - it's a good place to find other misfits and answers that can't be googled.

By the way, what's the difference between red tape and blue tape? :suspicious:

alrightgame
08-21-2009, 08:08 AM
Hey there, alright. Welcome to the forums - it's a good place to find other misfits and answers that can't be googled.

By the way, what's the difference between red tape and blue tape? :suspicious:
There is no difference, they just come from both sides of an argument. I feel tape = someone else exerting their authority and power on another.

Yes, the man required a calc problem to be solved and programmed. He also was a huge linux fan and threw ada 95 books at us. There was nothing about that programming language that was up to date. Once he started to speak in only terms from the book, his English became like Mandarin, and I thus was completely lost and confused. There was nothing that book was going to teach me on how to understand that guy.

SelfMadeBum
08-21-2009, 08:28 AM
So you're feeling lost and unsure... welcome to the club... I am the President; here is your hat. You only have to wear it at meetings

Normally, I would never read such a post, but I'm feeling ill and couldn't be bothered to reach out again and find something else to click so I read it all.

I can relate to having that feeling of hopelessness while being determined not to give up. I can relate to useless co-workers. I can relate to people with problems I can't solve, while feeling angry about their situation. I can relate to being in shit jobs. I can relate to keeping bums as company. I can relate to hating bureaucratic red or blue tape. I can relate to investing in areas I later found out I was no good in. I can relate to being able to do most anything, having looked it up on the net.

You asked for someone who could relate. Well, here I am.

Name's Shara; nice to meetcha.

Monte314
08-21-2009, 08:31 AM
"Yoda" went back and read your post, and sincerely apologizes for his original undoglike response to your opening post.

You sound like someone who has some worthwhile things to say... and we are interested. There are many here at the Forum who have faced struggles similar to your own. This is a place you can discuss just about anything with others, and get some insightful feedback.

Welcome to the Forum.

Polaris
08-21-2009, 09:07 AM
I read your WHOLE post.... I'm a sort of reformed INTJ, mostly because the pile of elephant dung that is life sometimes, has contributed to the plucking of my prickles. Maybe it is an age thing...dunno, not that I'm that old. Anyway, the elephant dung has its purpose as new stuff can grow from it.

You sound like someone who has quite a lot going for you, but you're a bit beaten by all the trivialities of how to get from A to B. You are not alone. Don't let stupid calculus get the better of you!

Welcome

alrightgame
08-21-2009, 10:12 AM
Thanks all for taking the time to read it. I'm sure these forums will help me a little bit. Is there an Iowa group on here?

reb
08-21-2009, 10:27 AM
well, now, i'm going to be insensitive...IOWA???? what? you're a hawkeye fan? eek! there are PEOPLE in iowa? (i used to live right across the river, did a lot of trout fishing and hunting in iowa, so i'm being a smartass).

i read your post. i get this 'great sense of confusion' out of it. there's rambling, and no direction. what is it you want? to understand? to understand what? (this is the Sucratic method, i'm using here).

cheater answer #1. you can't fix anyone else.

welcome. piddle around. you may find answers, or you may find questions to give your own answers to....

the dog...http://www.flickr.com/photos/elmada/1916452763/

do NOT let him near your expensive car wheels. he is very worthwhile for blaming lost homework on, however.

EL Gato
08-21-2009, 11:03 AM
Alright,
Your life sounds like mine years ago. There were moments when my philosophy was "life sucks and then you die". It was truly that bad but I will spare you and others of all the crap.

A couple of things:

1. You need to persevere. Sometimes you just need to rise to a challenge and hang in there. Let go and forgive your dad. What you think is an inability to solve problems may be learned helplessness from disfunctional family dynamics. Also, you need to develop your thinking if you want to make the best use of INTJs sometimes overdevelped intuition. If you take the time to write and speak coherently about concept or theory you can go beyond "grasping it". Once you are able to communicate you will have a better uderstanding of it and through debate with other smart people you will learn even more. It may also humble you in a good way.

2. Fight back, get that degree. I think many INTJs are miserable when they have mind numbing jobs where being a weasel offers you an advantage in the rat race. In school, don't be discouraged by incompetent college professors, they are just like everyone else. Some may even want to take you down. Fight back when you are sure you are doing your best. Of course, don't be lazy.

Years ago I got discouraged from finishing my undergrad degree in science for the same stupid reasons you explained. After much difficulty, I went back to school, finished a combined Psychology/Science degree, and managed to graduate with honors. I am now finishing my last year of graduate school in information management at an Ivy League university. (Info mgmt is like a hybrid between library science, mostly for corporate industry, and project management). I will come out of it in ridiculous debt but I rather live with that than with stupid jobs. Hopefully by the time you go to graduate school this administration will make good of its word and reform this ridiculous banking industry scheme that passes for a student loan program. Then you won't need to be be Sally Mae's indentured servant like I will be.

The last few years have been the most difficult years of my life, but I would not leave myself any other option but to finish what I decided to do.

Good luck

alrightgame
08-21-2009, 11:37 AM
well, now, i'm going to be insensitive...IOWA???? what? you're a hawkeye fan? eek! there are PEOPLE in iowa? (i used to live right across the river, did a lot of trout fishing and hunting in iowa, so i'm being a smartass).

i read your post. i get this 'great sense of confusion' out of it. there's rambling, and no direction. what is it you want? to understand? to understand what? (this is the Sucratic method, i'm using here).

cheater answer #1. you can't fix anyone else.

welcome. piddle around. you may find answers, or you may find questions to give your own answers to....

the dog...http://www.flickr.com/photos/elmada/1916452763/

do NOT let him near your expensive car wheels. he is very worthwhile for blaming lost homework on, however.

No, my brother lived in Iowa, hence where I moved. This was the only university that I could afford to move to and they took my 2.63 GPA from my Associates of Science in General Studies (these degrees are fucking useless). I'm not a big fan of sports.
Don't tell the hawkeyes.
I have lived most of my life in Minnesota and Indiana. People in Iowa are much more anti-social when it comes to saying hello. I usually have to initiate the conversation, which honestly isn't the first thing I want to do in a social setting.
As far as what I posted, it was just that, rambling. I have never actually done anything like that before and really needed to relieve the stress I was having.

Rudy
08-21-2009, 03:46 PM
Welcome, alrightgame.

I'm sorry you've been having a bad week; it seems you've had difficulty holding onto direction in life, and I know that's not a good feeling. I hope you're able to find something to boost your spirits a bit here, or give you guidance.

Check out the forum reference guide here (http://intjforum.com/faq.php?faq=guide). It has a summary of what type of posting is, and is not, allowed/encouraged on the forum. I recommend looking at it to avoid ridicule, post deletion, and possible death.

If you're looking for more info than that, you can read almost everything you need to know about the forum here (http://intjforum.com/faq.php), and a few more miscellaneous questions about forum features are answered by this thread here (http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=11698).

If you have questions not covered by these links, or need help with some aspect of the forum, you can create a thread in the Support & Feedback section (http://www.intjforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=8), or contact one of the moderators on this list (http://www.intjforum.com/showgroups.php).

Please, enjoy!

amyleanne
08-21-2009, 09:54 PM
Well I thought it was a good introduction, and I also feel your pain.

I graduated last year with a B.A. in English and a 4.0 GPA. I worked at a hotel in New York (was living with my bf--I'm from NC) as a waitress--same f*ing thing I did throughout college. After about five months I got fed up, moved home to NC and started looking for a real job. Nothing. My degree isn't all that impressive in a shit economy with no decent jobs available. I've got applicatons in all over but took the first job I was offered because I wanted to get out of my parent's house. It is minimum wage as well but its at a doggie daycare so I get paid to play with dogs (I love dogs). I moved into an apartment my grandma owns and am getting to know her but I'm also very lost, confused, and uncertain about the future (this all happened in the past week). No money, boyfriend 800 miles away, education wasted--everyone deals with these sorts of things but INTJ's can't stand to "fail" at anything so we get insanely depressed over it. I feel more content reminding myself that it is just a phase and that money isn't everything. Debt is stressful but you can't go to prison for it. They'll annoy you half to death but you'll get by. The "security" and "independence" people associate with money is overrated; it's really all in our heads. My parents are sitting on 500 grand and are completely miserable. Won't spend a dime. They buy everything clearance and every big purchase is a battle because my dad is so terrified he won't have money anymore if he buys something. It is a sickness--one that is easy to catch in a country with so ridiculous a standard of living. Compare your crappy apartment and meager bank account with that of the majority of the world and you'll feel blessed. Things will get better. Spend some time reflecting, decide on a goal, don't give up, and don't let money defeat you. There is so much more to life. Who knows...a new positive outlook might help you make friends.

I'm also considering a masters in library science. Seems like an INTJ trend.

reb
08-23-2009, 07:57 PM
No, my brother lived in Iowa, hence where I moved. This was the only university that I could afford to move to and they took my 2.63 GPA from my Associates of Science in General Studies (these degrees are fucking useless). I'm not a big fan of sports.
Don't tell the hawkeyes.
I have lived most of my life in Minnesota and Indiana. People in Iowa are much more anti-social when it comes to saying hello. I usually have to initiate the conversation, which honestly isn't the first thing I want to do in a social setting.
As far as what I posted, it was just that, rambling. I have never actually done anything like that before and really needed to relieve the stress I was having.

most degrees are fucking useless. don't let that stop you. to get your foot in the door nowadays at many places, you have to have 'the paper'. what you want is 'the knowledge' that underlies the paper. you could get the knowledge without the paper, but almost no one would recognize it in the 'es' world until you made big bucks or scared the crap out of them in some fashion.

i'm not a big fan of sports, either (except for some of the world cup soccer, which i find rather intellectual). i 'told the hawkeyes'...a lot. i knew some of them that would come to work in school colors, and got lots of fun out of busting their chops. it's actually kind of sad to be a 'college football groupie', but everybody has got to do something to pass the time.

if you are in/near the place i think you are, then they are antisocial there, because they think their poopoo don't stink. them people are all uppity. some university towns are like that...they think the simple fact they have a diploma mill on the ground makes 'em smart'n anybody else. go up to Monticello, or Elkader...people are more like what you're used to (or they used to be to me, anyway). i trout fished up near Decorah, over towards 'sconsin. neat places, i thought. very pretty when they weren't buried in snow, and sometimes even then. mebbe you should take up trout fishing...it's really a beautiful thing, and you can catch and release. Strawberry Point has that super pretty park there...but the trout are snooty.

rambling is cool. once you 'burst the pressure bubble', you will likely settle down and get something useful around here.

El Gato gave you some pretty good advice, i think. hang in there.

alrightgame
08-23-2009, 10:43 PM
You know it is funny. I'm starting school tomorrow. In one month, I have changed my diet, my fitness regime, gotten a volunteer position at the library, gotten a second job, and have talked to more people as a security guard at the local casey's store (drunk people are absolutely hilarious) then I have in 3 years.

Sometimes I wonder if I volunteered at the library for one year, applied at a job with them the year after, moved up in the next two years to a more responsible position, then two years after that perhaps be making a decent wage, that maybe I wouldn't even need a college degree to make it in a library.

The irony would be so touching if this is what indeed happens to me in five years.

Monte314
08-23-2009, 10:56 PM
This is cool. Sounds like things are looking up some.

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk72/Monte314/fireworks.jpg

Polaris
08-24-2009, 08:34 AM
Goodness...your avatar...not how I pictured you. Do I detect a certain whackiness under all the seriousness? Nothing wrong with being serious, just to make that clear, I'm as serious as DEATH. Not that death can't be funny, although most people would perhaps disagree...

By the way I'm following your posts with great interest, you seem to have released something in the general intj public....I'm a student myself, second time round. All I can contribute so far is: .........AAARRRRGH!!

SelfMadeBum
08-24-2009, 08:43 AM
Onward and upward, guy.

Only way to do it.

restlessjeff
08-24-2009, 10:40 AM
Hey, buddy, I feel your pain. I am 48 and have NEVER figured out what I want to do when I grow up . Sadly, our capitalist society puts alot of emphasis on careers and material wealth and makes us feel kind of worthless when we don't acheive the most we can acheive.
I have given up the struggle. I try to enjoy every moment in life for what it is: a moment in life !