Do INTJs have feelings?

[Confused]

I've been seeing an INTJ for a few weeks now, but recently he claimed that he has no feelings, and therefore cannot have feelings for me.

I don't know how to react to this as it's such an odd thing to say. If he had no feelings at all for me, then why go out with me in the first place? He says that he respects me, that I am important to him, and that he enjoys spending time with me, but that he is afraid of hurting me - as he is bound to do as he has no feelings.

The thing is that he is very caring and considerate, and I have trouble squaring this with someone who says he can't feel anything. I can understand that he might not have the same emotional reactions as other people, but he can't have none at all.

We have very nearly broken up over this, as he keeps saying he is bound to hurt me - to which my response is 'why ask me out in the first place then?' If what he really means is that he doesn't have deep feelings for me yet, then of course he won't - we've hardly been going out five minutes. But to me enjoying someone's company and wanting to see them must indicate some kind of feeling.
If he is afraid that deeper feelings might not develop, so is preemptively calling a halt to things to 'protect' me - surely we both have to take that risk, otherwise no relationships would ever be possible if everyone was too afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone to do anything.

I'm hoping that an INTJ perspective on this might help, as I can't figure out whether to take his assertions at face value or not.

[OneBadMother]

Hmm, if he's going to halt a relationship over it it would be a problem. At any rate, if he is caring and considerate, but doesn't realize it, telling him otherwise might just make him think you don't value his self-analysis, regardless of whether it appears to be true or not. The best thing to do is say that regardless of whether or not it's true, you aren't hurt by emotional distance/unintended brashness as much as other people, and that if he does somehow end up hurting you, you'll tell him, so there's no sense worrying about it until it happens. And of course you should follow through on the latter, preferably in a calm discussion, since lack of communication generally impedes relationships.

[Uytuun]

No conventional feelings, maybe, or rationalised feelings. But no feelings at all? I don't think so. Besides: fear (of hurting you) is an emotion. Maybe he is just that: afraid. And not just of hurting you, but also of losing control, getting hurt himself, being disappointed etc.

He sounds young. Sometimes young INTJs (I'm relatively young myself) feel like it's the right thing to do to profile themselves as little computers with legs. It's generally only when they are more mature (I didn't say old) that they learn to let go of that safe feeling (oh irony) that rationalising everything provides.

[JTG]

I don't know how to react to this as it's such an odd thing to say. If he had no feelings at all for me, then why go out with me in the first place? He says that he respects me, that I am important to him, and that he enjoys spending time with me, but that he is afraid of hurting me - as he is bound to do as he has no feelings. There's your answer to the question. He says he respects you, and that he enjoys your company. Believe me, it's rare for a lot of us to really enjoy somebody's company specifically. There are groups of friends i enjoy, but it's not often that i want to hang out with one person specifically. That alone may be grounds for expressing interest in a relationship to an INTJ. Personally, i've hit that pitfall myself before. I enjoyed being with a girl but never really developed feelings for her. We dated, and eventually things got a little serious on her end. When i explained that i didn't really feel the same way she was very hurt.

In retrospect, the few relationships i've had that were really meaningful were already gone before i realized how important they were to me. I chalk it up to lack of experience, which is sadly something INTJs seem to have trouble accumulating in the relationship department.

The thing is that he is very caring and considerate, and I have trouble squaring this with someone who says he can't feel anything. I can understand that he might not have the same emotional reactions as other people, but he can't have none at all.This says he's a decent person. If you're looking for feelings to be displayed, don't hold your breath.

You seem to understand how things work though, being INTx yourself i guess they may work similarly for you. IF i develop feelings for a girl, it's only after quite some time. Communication and honesty are BIG in making that happen. Be yourself and let him be himself. If you let him know (not necessarily verbally) that you appreciate him, that will help too. Laughing at his jokes, being genuinely enjoyable to be around, etc will do a lot to get an INTJ to warm up to you.

If he is afraid that deeper feelings might not develop, so is preemptively calling a halt to things to 'protect' me - surely we both have to take that risk, otherwise no relationships would ever be possible if everyone was too afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone to do anything.

I'm hoping that an INTJ perspective on this might help, as I can't figure out whether to take his assertions at face value or not.

If something is going to come of your dating situation, it may very well be a long long time. Enjoying each others' company is probably the strongest start i can think of. It sounds like you two like each other in a way that's more than infatuation. After that it's just a matter of sticking with it, if that's what you both want.

[Confused]

Personally, i've hit that pitfall myself before. I enjoyed being with a girl but never really developed feelings for her. We dated, and eventually things got a little serious on her end. When i explained that i didn't really feel the same way she was very hurt.

He said the same thing had happened to him before, I get the impression several times - so he's afraid of the same thing happening with me. But how will we find out unless we try?
I suppose I should be grateful for the warning (which presumably the other girl(s) never received), but unfortunately I let my emotions get the better of me and sent him an angry text, so now I'm worried that he's confirmed in his suspicions.
The thing is, although I do get emotional sometimes, my emotions don't come when it would make sense, and they don't always last. So it's fairly hard for me to decide how I feel about him anyway, and then him behaving in strange ways doesn't really help.

If something is going to come of your dating situation, it may very well be a long long time.
Time is something we don't really have, as our lives wil probably be diverging this year and he has said he doesn't want a long-distance relationship. In fact he seems to be able to come up with a long list of reasons why we shouldn't get involved - I almost find myself thinking that he is trying to get me to break up with him, but he is probably just trying to be realistic.

The thing is, I feel like I'd rather try and make a go of it and get hopelessly burnt, than live forever in an emotional no man's land. It doesn't help that both of us have trouble talking about any of this. Whenever we do have conversations they are always at the last minute and the important things don't get said.

[stasis]

Hey, Confused. To answer your question, INTJs do in fact have feelings. In truth, those feelings (emotions) aren't really different from anybody else's feelings when they manifest. They certainly aren't any less intense at times, and nor are they somehow precluded from attaching to other people. Your friend sounds like he's talking nonsense. The question then perhaps becomes one of why he is saying such strange things. It seems awfully defensive, doesn't it? He may very well be serious about his propensity for remaining distant and hurting people, and so you should take care, but I would tend to think this has more to do with some kind of aversion to emotional exposure and/or fear of losing control than it does with being emotionless. Which he isn't.

[JTG]

He said the same thing had happened to him before, I get the impression several times - so he's afraid of the same thing happening with me. But how will we find out unless we try?
I suppose I should be grateful for the warning (which presumably the other girl(s) never received), but unfortunately I let my emotions get the better of me and sent him an angry text, so now I'm worried that he's confirmed in his suspicions.
The thing is, although I do get emotional sometimes, my emotions don't come when it would make sense, and they don't always last. So it's fairly hard for me to decide how I feel about him anyway, and then him behaving in strange ways doesn't really help.


Time is something we don't really have, as our lives wil probably be diverging this year and he has said he doesn't want a long-distance relationship. In fact he seems to be able to come up with a long list of reasons why we shouldn't get involved - I almost find myself thinking that he is trying to get me to break up with him, but he is probably just trying to be realistic.

The thing is, I feel like I'd rather try and make a go of it and get hopelessly burnt, than live forever in an emotional no man's land. It doesn't help that both of us have trouble talking about any of this. Whenever we do have conversations they are always at the last minute and the important things don't get said.I've always thought communication was one of my stronger points in a relationship. I just don't understand a lot of the emotional responses people give, so my reactions can seem inappropriate at times. It sounds to me that he likes you, but he sees a long list of reasons why it probably won't work out. Long distance relationships don't make a whole lot of sense to some, and thus can be a big no-no to INTJ. I doubt he's mad at you or anything, and helping him understand your frustration can turn the angry text into a non-event in his mind.

It may facilitate communication if you word things in an explanatory manner. Like, when you talk about your feelings, try to do it in a way that shows him you want him to understand you. Making him feel obligated to fulfill your emotional needs may make him feel a little alienated, since he may not fully understand exactly what it is you need or are feeling. Helping him to understand your emotional process could do wonders, at least in helping you two communicate more freely.

I'm 24 years old and (officially speaking) have never had a girlfriend before. I've had physical relationships, emotional relationships, and a wide spectrum of friendships, etc with the opposite sex. I just don't bother getting into a relationship, calling somebody a girlfriend, for title's sake. I've had very warm and loving exchanges with people over the years. Attachment, however, is another story. I've yet to become attached to anybody in the traditional sense. It's troubling to me honestly. Sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me, or what's broken inside that i don't ever miss people, feel homesick, or experience a pretty wide array of emotions that others say they have.

He may or may not feel the same way, but if he does then he already feels disconnected from those around him just because he has trouble understanding why people feel the way they do, or why they feel in general.

[Antares]

I've been seeing an INTJ for a few weeks now, but recently he claimed that he has no feelings, and therefore cannot have feelings for me.

I don't know how to react to this as it's such an odd thing to say. If he had no feelings at all for me, then why go out with me in the first place? He says that he respects me, that I am important to him, and that he enjoys spending time with me, but that he is afraid of hurting me - as he is bound to do as he has no feelings.

The thing is that he is very caring and considerate, and I have trouble squaring this with someone who says he can't feel anything. I can understand that he might not have the same emotional reactions as other people, but he can't have none at all.

We have very nearly broken up over this, as he keeps saying he is bound to hurt me - to which my response is 'why ask me out in the first place then?' If what he really means is that he doesn't have deep feelings for me yet, then of course he won't - we've hardly been going out five minutes. But to me enjoying someone's company and wanting to see them must indicate some kind of feeling.
If he is afraid that deeper feelings might not develop, so is preemptively calling a halt to things to 'protect' me - surely we both have to take that risk, otherwise no relationships would ever be possible if everyone was too afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone to do anything.

I'm hoping that an INTJ perspective on this might help, as I can't figure out whether to take his assertions at face value or not.

Well, being in INTJ, I can instantly tell you that from all the INTJ's that I've met online who were willing to share their own story, we have deep feelings that are more or less unseen. I can't pretend to understand why he would say something like that nor how much truth his claim holds.

A week ago I would say the same thing about myself. I was basically emotionally numb. One could say hurtful things to me and I would feel nothing. I could win an award and feel nothing, and watching Shakespearean tragedies would not affect me even a bit. Then I heard that one of my friends is leaving our school. That hit me harder than I thought it would and after reflecting our interactions, I found that I actually held a torch for him (whatever that might mean, but to me, he was certainly 'special' in some way. I just can't tell how or why). After all, I have no feelings, right? I reexamined everything I've experienced and came to a conclusion that the aftermath of a very emotional event during last June still has its hold over me and is causing me to suppress my emotions, because the 'numbness' came in September, after something resembling a depression.

Enough about me. My interpretation of your situation is that you hold a special place, at least in his world. Special enough for him to ask you out because like you said, he enjoyed your company, and I don't mean to imply anything, but for an INTJ to truly enjoy someone's company, it's not very common. It's quite like the way the company of that 'friend' (I still don't know what he is to me) can brighten my day like no one can. My feelings toward him is not purely platonic but not exactly romantic, but every bicker we would have, every glaring contest and every little insult we threw at each other cause me to smile even now. Also, by 'emotionless', he might actually mean that he can't understand others' emotions and therefore might be tactless or insensitive. I have this problem quite a lot. Again, I can't tell you where he got his 'emotionless' thing from, but whatever it is, I'm sure that he actually has emotions.

If you want to give it a try, by all means do. I'm sure he has more feelings for you than he's willing to admit, or even know. "Livening" up an INTJ is not easy, and it certainly doesn't happen overnight, but it's very possible.

[Provoker]

Tell him that when you were six years old you told yourself that no human word would ever reach you and that he doesn't have to worry about hurting your feelings because they're unreachable.

[Colette]

I've been seeing an INTJ for a few weeks now, but recently he claimed that he has no feelings, and therefore cannot have feelings for me.
I don't know how to react to this as it's such an odd thing to say. If he had no feelings at all for me, then why go out with me in the first place? He says that he respects me, that I am important to him, and that he enjoys spending time with me, but that he is afraid of hurting me - as he is bound to do as he has no feelings.


This sounds quite ridiculous to me. For him to suggest things should end to 'protect you' is highly disingenuous, and sounds to me like a badly orchestrated ploy to create distance between the two of you (and perhaps also as an early exit strategy).

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you may be getting the message here (admittedly in a sort of roundabout way) that he's just not really that 'into you'.

[ElstonGunn]

I've been the guy in a similar situation. I knew someone who had at least 90 percent of what I liked and want in a woman, and and she was very special to me. But for a variety of reasons, it didn't make sense to me-- very long distance, she was very emotional, and I, like your guy here, claimed to be emotionless (hyperbole for me, I guess), a couple of incompatible beliefs and opinions, and so on. Maybe they were mostly minor things, because we got along remarkably well, especially in light of that fact that I'm a gruff, crotchety loner, and she was very sensitive and expressive of her feelings. We used to joke that we should have fought more than we did.

But I will not be in a relationship if it doesn't make sense to me. I don't care how much I love somebody, I just can't be comfortable with it if it doesn't make sense. I know that's terribly un-romantic, and I know I'm supposed to practically revere love, and all that. But there's a lot of things I'm supposed to do.


My point in telling this story is not to win a Pulitzer prize, but rather to offer a similar situation for you to think about. Granted, I'm not him, he's not me, and maybe it's a completely different situation once you get past a few surface similarities. So as always, take it with a grain of salt.

[Cytastic]

I'm an INTJ and I do have feelings, but more often than not the expression of said feelings gives me the willies. Rational thought and actions usually have predictable outcomes, or at the very least, results within certain limits. On the other hand, acting on my emotions is like standing up in the middle of a rollercoaster ride - I might get an initial "Wheeee!" sensation, but then simple physics will remind me that I'm doing something crazy and I probably should have thought the whole venture through first.

The "I have no feelings" is certainly a peculiar thing to say. If you've had arguments about it, then it's not a "random idea escapes head" event. He's examining an idea, a philosophy, and for one reason or another, this mode of thought is attractive to him. Perhaps it allows him to ignore a part of himself he doesn't fully grasp (or care to) - and it may seem safer to him. Or maybe he opened up once and it ended in disaster, and this is his defense mechanism.

I don't agree it's an attempt to lay the groundwork for an exit strategy. Once the idea of an exit strategy has been even considered, the whole thing is as good as over (for me, it's usually within 24 hours). So if you're still hanging out, chances are good that he's not going down this path. And others here are right, it is an awesome compliment for an INTJ to say he enjoys spending time with you.

My advice is to enjoy the company, enjoy the moment, and don't push him on the feelings issue. If he's anything like me, he's going to be remarkably dense in the whole emotional arena, anyway. "Feelings" questions might give you a certain sense of satisfaction, they tend to lead to statements of affection and fulfillment. When someone asks me "what are you feeling right now?", I tend to get a little irritated, because quite frankly I have no idea, and I have better things to think about than stuff like that.

Hope this helps!

[ElstonGunn]

My advice is to enjoy the company, enjoy the moment, and don't push him on the feelings issue. If he's anything like me, he's going to be remarkably dense in the whole emotional arena, anyway. "Feelings" questions might give you a certain sense of satisfaction, they tend to lead to statements of affection and fulfillment. When someone asks me "what are you feeling right now?", I tend to get a little irritated, because quite frankly I have no idea, and I have better things to think about than stuff like that.


I suggest that any non-INTJ who wants to understand us should pay attention to this. Print it out and staple it to your forehead, or tattoo it on your chest if necessary.

[Pinkie]

This sounds quite ridiculous to me. For him to suggest things should end to 'protect you' is highly disingenuous, and sounds to me like a badly orchestrated ploy to create distance between the two of you (and perhaps also as an early exit strategy).

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you may be getting the message here (admittedly in a sort of roundabout way) that he's just not really that 'into you'.


I wholeheartedly agree with this. I've had this sort of stunt pulled on me, and it was basically because he didn't really want to be with me. It's unfortunate that he's decided to do it in such a roundabout way (INTJs do, of course, have feelings), but if I were you I would cut your losses, or at least not get too emotionally involved. Like Colette, I'm sorry for the bluntness of this, but it really does sound like he wants a get-out. That's how I see it, anyway.

[JTG]

I tend to disagree kinda. I know it's possible, because i've had people do that to me before. I've definitely been fed the "i don't think you would want to date me" angle, but the people who did so did it because they were afraid of my disapproval at their lack of interest. If that's really what he's doing, then i question whether he's really INTJ.

Maybe it's just how i am as an INTJ. I wouldn't care enough what somebody thinks to be afraid to say "sorry i'm not really interested" because i really think that's the best answer you can give if it's how you feel.

[Paul V]

A) He's not sure about the relationship and doesn't want to lead you on.

B) He's in denial of his feelings, either because he sees them as weaknesses or because he's never felt something like this before, and doesn't know how to deal with it.

Either case, you shouldn't pay much attention to what he says, and stick with what he does.

[Confused]

Hi all

Thanks for your help

Unfortunately we have split up, although we were never officially together in the first place. I am more upset than I thought I would be - seems he is not the only one who has problems with his emotions...

I am torn between wanting to stay together and thinking that I am better off without the confusion.

As much as I miss him and feel there will never be another like him, I think I deserve better.

Probably not a lot of point in any further responses to this topic, but I appreciate all of your comments.

[Over]

Do INTJs have feelings?

Well yes, I feel hungry at the moment.

[Blue Towlie]

I find that most INTJs define tough love. Deep, deep, DEEP down I bet you folks are warm little fuzzy bears. :laugh: There are exceptions though, including a very scary INTJ who was an unemotional misanthropic crazy bastard. He was extremely intelligent and into eugenics, his unemotional robotic personality was frightening because he would say things like, "I don't understand why you have to hate a group of people to kill them." He also never laughed. Not once. Surreal fellow.

[BlackHawk]

Deep, deep, DEEP down

Yep. Deep enough to scare away all but the good ones trying to get to us! :thumbsup:

[JTG]

I find that most INTJs define tough love. Deep, deep, DEEP down I bet you folks are warm little fuzzy bears. :laugh: There are exceptions though, including a very scary INTJ who was an unemotional misanthropic crazy bastard. He was extremely intelligent and into eugenics, his unemotional robotic personality was frightening because he would say things like, "I don't understand why you have to hate a group of people to kill them." He also never laughed. Not once. Surreal fellow.I didn't know we had met?

In all seriousness though, i hope he was laughing on the inside when he said that stuff, haha. I do agree with the stance in a way. I mean i resent that dumber people are allowed to breed, but it would be unfair and inhumane to impose laws restricting their reproduction, since we're all technically human. Has anybody here seen the movie Idiocracy?

DEEP down, i wouldn't characterize myself as a warm fuzzy bear. That's the feeling function, which varies in expression, but doesn't find itself strongly expressed with me. I do have emotion, and i do care about loved ones, but tough love is more a fitting descriptor than teddy bear.

There are correct, logical ways to behave, and there are erratic, impulsive, often emotional motivations. If i really love somebody, i'm not slow to call them out on taking what i see is a poor action. I don't think it's my place to dictate what they do or don't do, i just don't let them make fools of themselves without letting them know.

[Blue Towlie]

Red from That 70s Show was an INTJ you think?

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Sounds like he might have past issues surrounding emotional pain and he is trying to forstall anything like that happening again.

[JTG]

Red from That 70s Show was an INTJ you think?

I'd say more like Hyde was INTJ hehe. I like his style. Red i'd characterize as more of an ISTJ

[Uytuun]

Hyde strikes me as INTP. But yeah, he's great. :D

[youngblooded]

All humans have feelings. Its just that as INTJs, we tend to trust our logic over our feelings. This has led to people believing we don't have them. But we do

[Quite Robert]

"Do INTJ's have any feelings?"

Well unfortunatley yes, but I only show them to two or three people.

[ssfanatic]

Sometimes i wish we didnt, but i think that they keep us from killing everyone thats only making the world a worse place :)

[Metatron]

Dear Confused,
If your suitor really is an INTJ consider yourself warned. He just gave you a waiver of responsibility for future heartbreak. He basically told you that he likes what you are giving him, emotions included, but cannot reciprocate in kind. It is for you to properly interpret his communications. If you ask direct questions he will give you direct answers, if you really want to know the truth just ask him and he will tell you.

[ginandsour]

We do have feelings. I think perhaps we find them more difficult to manage/understand, because they don't "conform" to our models.

[Jgib5328]

I've been seeing an INTJ for a few weeks now, but recently he claimed that he has no feelings, and therefore cannot have feelings for me.

I don't know how to react to this as it's such an odd thing to say. If he had no feelings at all for me, then why go out with me in the first place? He says that he respects me, that I am important to him, and that he enjoys spending time with me, but that he is afraid of hurting me - as he is bound to do as he has no feelings.

The thing is that he is very caring and considerate, and I have trouble squaring this with someone who says he can't feel anything. I can understand that he might not have the same emotional reactions as other people, but he can't have none at all.

We have very nearly broken up over this, as he keeps saying he is bound to hurt me - to which my response is 'why ask me out in the first place then?' If what he really means is that he doesn't have deep feelings for me yet, then of course he won't - we've hardly been going out five minutes. But to me enjoying someone's company and wanting to see them must indicate some kind of feeling.
If he is afraid that deeper feelings might not develop, so is preemptively calling a halt to things to 'protect' me - surely we both have to take that risk, otherwise no relationships would ever be possible if everyone was too afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone to do anything.

I'm hoping that an INTJ perspective on this might help, as I can't figure out whether to take his assertions at face value or not.


I'm sorry that this is replied to late, but I am going to answer anyways.

He is flat out lying, he may be conscious of it or not, but he is lying. Nobody has 'no feelings'. He is either really out of touch with his feelings or he is feeling something for you and is afraid of it, so he does the complete opposite and feigns being emotionless. Have you ever watched the show 'House'? He does this all of the time. In order to maintain that cold and unemotional exterior, he sometimes goes completely against his feelings even though it's going to hurt him and the other person. I do this too. Sometimes I just want to be cold even though I want to open up with someone, I just go ahead and react like I'm still cold hearted and don't care for the other person or think much of them.

[Victor Tango]

Of course I have feelings.

I keep them right in that jar on the shelf over there.

[coffeeloverfreak]

Well this maybe-INTJ freely admits she has feelings - intense ones. And they get easily hurt, too. That's why I often try not to expose them too soon or too often.

Anyway, being a T instead of an F doesn't mean that you don't have feelings. It only means that you prefer to make decisions based on what you think, not based on what you feel.