Are INTJ males attractive to females?

[messianic]

Flirting with a person theory of mine from anecdotal evidence. I'm not trying to be arrogant, and by no means am I am "ladies man", but I have noticed that I attract a good amount of females (especially considering that i give hardly an effort and am not in tune to the extroverts' social rituals).

INTJs are frequently criticized for being too self-confident and even arrogant. God knows that I am extremely self-confident and have a strong will and I suspect most other INTJs do too. Are not these qualities that women are attracted too? Its become almost common knowledge that girls hate the pushover type of guys and are actually attracted to jerks.

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

[Vagrant]

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooo.

Just kidding. But sometimes I feel that way.

I've noticed I tend to attract quite a few females -- sometimes it's my looks, sometimes my mind, sometimes both. The problem is that they're not the women I'm interested in -- I'm attracting girls that don't interest me (typically S-types, or dysfunctional N-types, or even just girls I don't find physically attractive)

And frankly, I think the self-confidence and arrogance serves as a filter -- if a person can get over that, then that's a good sign that a relationship can last.

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?In my case, it's actually the reverse -- I am very active, making a bit of an effort, and a little to ready to make obligations, which as I have been told, comes across as desperation. I struggle to find that proper middle ground.

[clipse]

we must be at least sometimes. if our personality is tied somewhat to genetics, then we would be extinct given evolution weeding out those that can't effectively mate. but our small share of the population (1-3% I've heard?) may indicate that we might have trouble.

INTJs seem to have problems flirting, and since flirting is a glorified mating ritual, that could lead to a lower probability of success.

[bunnyfugger]

I think part of the "trick" may be carefully toeing the line between aloof and completely absent. I have in the past found women attracted to me when I was more into going out and at least being present at social events, even if I wasn't really getting involved. Now, I keep to myself more, and find I have less opportunities, probably because I'm almost completely absent from those social events, and so I just don't come across enough different women for anything to happen.

EDIT: I also agree with macmillan111. Flirting is NOT my thing AT ALL. I have a tendency to miss signals that other people find obvious, so I'm sure I miss a lot of opportunities in that regard.

[wittykitty]

As an INTJ female who knows two INTJ males, yes. Its the mind thing.

[Blse]

Yes, the confidence attracts quite a few. The sarcastic and caustic humor drives a few away, as does not responding to subtle signs. The confidence is, however, a huge plus.

in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

Well, not all INTJs are passive and unable to comitt. J types are actually the opposite of comittment phobic types. Usually Js love to have things settled - the stronger the J prefernce the stronger the need to definite conclusions. Furthermore the NT trait can make us... what's a nicer way of saying rapacious? In other words, NTJs usually tend to be less passive about getting what they want and more likely to comitt than others types.

[Zhen]

I don't know any in real life so I couldn't say...but their minds are fun :)

[Larry Oswell]

I believe that INTJ's are fairly good at attracting women, but where they fail is when things go deeper than that.

Many people may find us initially interesting, but our lack of social skills and the ability to perceive things that are a big 'duh' to the majority of the population starts to become annoying to others after a while. INTJs live in a different world than most people, which puts them at a disadvantage in the long run (or so I believe).

[Stratego]

I believe that INTJ's are fairly good at attracting women, but where they fail is when things go deeper than that.

Many people may find us initially interesting, but our lack of social skills and the ability to perceive things that are a big 'duh' to the majority of the population starts to become annoying to others after a while. INTJs live in a different world than most people, which puts them at a disadvantage in the long run (or so I believe).


I agree with you, Larry. You're right. I think most women are attracted to that confidence (or arrogance), intellect and rationale, but that arraction wanes when these men (may) fail to develop a more intimate connection with a woman.

Just my opinion: I think INTJ's as a rule generate a lot of sexual heat, meaning, they appeal to a (smart) woman's (or at least this woman's) physical, biological, intellectual needs. A strong, confident male with intelligence is more likely to produce the same in her children, and everyone's chance of survival is higher with this type of man, because INTJ's are also less fearful, and therefore a touch more brave.

But they might, in the long run, fail to inspire a passionate heat, the kind you feel when you're invested in the guy for more than what he can provide as a mate and protector, and more for what he is as a lover. A lover is a man that is into you (in more ways than one) and cultivates an emotional bond with you. (Just think of all the nonsense we've cultivated in our grand mythology of love--serenades, roses, tireless devotion, etc That kindof f's up your expectations quite a bit.)

Lots of the INTJ's here say that they "don't do emotions" and that's very frustrating for most women. Even myself (whatever the hell I am, INTJ or INTJ-ish) who isn't overly emotional and likes it, can get frustrated with a guy that's like an automaton, who can't crack a smile once and a while or admit thay even have feelings.

[Fox]

Females can still be physically attractive to INTJ males. The INTJ male if he is interested enough in the female can put on the charm to attract her. If an INTJ Male isn't actively trying to attract females then it's not gonna happen that much.

We come across is being aloof, arrogant, distant and heartless introverts. Unless you look like Brad Pitt or the girl got a fetish for the quiet type they won't be coming over. Just like with friends the an INTJ just has to make an effort.

[Larry Oswell]

One of the things that is also a flaw in some introverts is their faked extroversion at some times. This faked extroversion allows many INTJs to cope with the outside world, because try as we may, sometimes we just have to interact with others.

Many people may never see the introverted aspect of some INTJs until they get to know them more, and this lack of portrayed information from some INTJs ends up hurting them in the long run. From what I've read, about 70% of the world is extroverted, which means that we introverts have a much smaller chance of finding someone who understands our wants/needs.

[Jgib5328]

I get looks and smiles from time-to-time, but I'm never really sure if I'm imagining it, if it's not directed at me, or they're just being friendly. I used to think my personality would definitely attract girls, I'm confident, calm, aloof, etc. I figured girls would see me as the fabled, "strong, silent type", but alas, I've never had a girlfriend. I think that may be good enough to strum up some initial attraction and interest, but if you want a girl, you're going to have to put up some effort and go after her, otherwise, she's just going to go with the 'safer' choice, someone who is relatively straight-forward and actually engages her.

[curiousgeorge01]

Flirting with a person theory of mine from anecdotal evidence. I'm not trying to be arrogant, and by no means am I am "ladies man", but I have noticed that I attract a good amount of females (especially considering that i give hardly an effort and am not in tune to the extroverts' social rituals).

INTJs are frequently criticized for being too self-confident and even arrogant. God knows that I am extremely self-confident and have a strong will and I suspect most other INTJs do too. Are not these qualities that women are attracted too? Its become almost common knowledge that girls hate the pushover type of guys and are actually attracted to jerks.

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

Yea that's totally me though I'm not sure if females are attracted to me physically, mentally, or both. Women have told me they find me physically attractive.

[cullen24]

Ive been married for 19 years to an INTP who by far exceeds anything I would have ever imagined in my life. No one could ever have come close to providing the intimacy she has in body, mid and soul all these years.

When I look back at the bachelor days, there were 2 types of women that always seemed to gravitate toward me. 1) Ones that were bound and determined to change me or pull me out of my "shell" (along with their adult matchmakers) and 2) those completely drawn to that "confidence" and "fearlessness" that we INTJ's project. Even today, I have to be careful around some women that are unstable emotionally or have weak husbands. They missinterpret my confidence for "security" and will do anything to monoplolize my attention. My wife is smart enoiugh to see this and warn me when necessary- I'm constantly in the public eye so I trust her radar.

For those that are younger, my father used to warn me about "mercy mating"- when you have pity or compassion on a girl and become intimate soley due to the fact that you can help them. It gives you a false sense of worth but the reality is that the woman is really sucking the life out of you.

My wife would tell you that she never intended to get married as she could always control or dominate her men.... that was until she met me. She often calls me her "rock " because the pressure is off her to make all the decisions.

[ToC]

I agree, in part, with Vagrant.

I often attract people I'm not attracted to or people I'd only have sex with (SJs/SPs)

The exception tends to be ENFPs who seem to generally like me, and if they're good looking I tend to like them back.

I've been interested in INFP females a few times, but the overt confidence and arrogance seemed to deter them completely.

[postem]

we must be at least sometimes. if our personality is tied somewhat to genetics, then we would be extinct given evolution weeding out those that can't effectively mate. but our small share of the population (1-3% I've heard?) may indicate that we might have trouble.

INTJs seem to have problems flirting, and since flirting is a glorified mating ritual, that could lead to a lower probability of success.

I am very self confident, but this all dissapear when flirting is envolved. I just cant pass this is much complicated, i think i will never figure how it works. When i pass this 'part' things go much more easier, as i can openly express.

I would just prefer that relationships could start just as an agreement or so, but things doenst happen this way.





postem added to this post, 4 minutes and 48 seconds later...


I also agree with macmillan111. Flirting is NOT my thing AT ALL. I have a tendency to miss signals that other people find obvious, so I'm sure I miss a lot of opportunities in that regard.

That is a very troubleful thing. Several times i had girls looking for me, sending me the signals, and just when they 'gived up' i found out they were interested, and of course, no longer after my long lack of attention.

[Solaris]

Well, as I've known *way* more than my share of INTJs, the attraction seems to go both ways. I am just as attracted to them as they are to me. My INTJ husband says that I'm the only person to ever really "get" who he is (particularly without a great deal of effort). I think that's one of his favorite things about our relationship -- the ease with which we understand each other and communicate.

I find INTJ males attractive because they are similar to me in how their minds work, their confidence, ability/desire to plan and follow through, and that I can't mow them down. I've had other men in my life that I could mow down like grass, I hated it and left them. I like the INTJ males that are whole and not bitter, otherwise I can't think of things I don't like about them -- oh and they do have to be able to admit and discuss that they do have feelings and what they are. Not that I am amazing at it, but they have to want to slop through that mess with me at least.

[curiousgeorge01]

I am very self confident, but this all dissapear when flirting is envolved. I just cant pass this is much complicated, i think i will never figure how it works. When i pass this 'part' things go much more easier, as i can openly express.


Yea flirting to me is annoying. I always have this "what the hell am I doing" attitude when I'm flirting. The easiest flirting I've EVER done was when this girl and I kept smiling at each other and gradually the smiling got naughtier...

[Prunesquallor]

Depends on the female. And on the intj.

Very generally speaking, the intj character is closer to an acceptable male stereotype than it is to a female one, so that helps.

[Cocoa]

As an INTJ female, I find I get along really well with INTJ males in general. Personally I haven't met enough to really judge but the confidence goes both ways and is exciting both ways I think :) INTJ guys are scary to many, but I refuse to be scared :)

[rickster]

If I'm dressed to the nines and doing my very best baritone Jack Nicholson then I have to fight them off.

Pity I'm a homo, but I may yet start up "The Rickster Academy For Poontang Success": I'm not above promoting heterosexuality in order to make a buck. :cheesy:

[esperanza]

Well, not all INTJs are passive and unable to comitt. J types are actually the opposite of comittment phobic types. Usually Js love to have things settled - the stronger the J prefernce the stronger the need to definite conclusions.
Absolutely - I think where it falls down sometimes is that there's this no-man's land between "hey, you're cute" and "ok I'm committed now" that J-types sometimes don't do so well with. More committment-phobic types kinda do better sometimes, because this period can potentially go indefinitely without having to actually commit to the idea of committing :P

Of course, I'm not talking about all Js, or even all INTJs. I guess it's a maturity thing.

As for the OP's question - I don't know if INTJs are more attractive than other types or not, but if the person is already attractive then yeah, the layers and associated mindfuckery seem to make them more attractive. It's always engaging to know that you have so much more to discover about a person :)

[intjistp]

Yes, but INTJ guys don't always noticed that they have found attractive.

[SagPhilosopher]

From the male perspective... I don't have trouble attracting women, and I don't have too much trouble flirting with the right type of women in the right environment. Though shy, if the circumstance is right, the flirting part comes almost too naturally. However, the flirting is more like a heat seeking missile than casual playfulness. One ex told me I was like a jet plane. She said she got sucked into the jetwash as I passed by but didn't have enough power of her own to keep up and I was gone from her life as fast as I appeared. This is a problem. I seem to have a hard time keeping interest in one woman for an extended period of time.

[crabnebula]

Pretty much. And I am quite willing to make the effort too. However, my problem is less of attracting and more of finding the right woman. Very few meet the standards and those who do, there is always some factor preventing it from developing significant intimacy. Quite frustrating really, all the confidence and mystery becomes totally useless.

[SelfMadeBum]

I think most heroes in those dime store romance novels are INTJ. Cold, unfeeling, unaffected at first, then the fires that burn within are unleashed and passion flows unrestrained, the intensity of which no other kind of man can even dream of.

Ahem.

Yeah, you're hot.

[Zamarok]

Throughout my life, people are constantly telling me that various girls liked me, and they ask why I didn't do anything about it. It's because I didn't know they liked me at all! I think it's my sense of humor usually, but I have pulled a few in with looks alone, before they have a chance to see my mind.

[Fubudis]

The INTJ personality is strong and willful. That's attractive to most people.

That being said, some INTJs have trouble portraying these traits because they are quiet and reserved.

I find that people tend to like me more with time as they get to know my personality.

[escapist11]

I think INTJ males are [internally] attractive (but the shallow person in me says that their outsides HAVE to be attractive too)

So it's either a win-lose or win-win for ya INTJ men out there.

[oodlesofnoodles]

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooo.



And sometimes: yes (not capitalized on purpose.)
Other times we are attracted to the "life-of-the-party", charismatic sort (ENT/F or ESF/F). Or quiet, warm-hearted do-the-right-thing type (ISF/INF). It really depends on the woman and quite frankly her age/maturity level. Yes, I am definitely attracted to INTJ's - for their brains... but sometimes the lack of showing the type of enthusiam I have is somewhat off-putting. While I have fallen quite deeply for an INTJ I have also at the same time been extremely attracted to a possible ESFP. Perhaps you are somewhat biased in you ropinion of how many woman are attarcted to you. Possibly the "avergae" amount for a man of a certain and level of physical attractiveness.

[JazzOne]

If I'm dressed to the nines and doing my very best baritone Jack Nicholson then I have to fight them off.

Pity I'm a homo, but I may yet start up "The Rickster Academy For Poontang Success": I'm not above promoting heterosexuality in order to make a buck. :cheesy:

I've noticed this too. I am quiet and aloof. If I'm wearing jeans and a ball cap, no one ever approaches me. If I stop for a drink on the way home from the office and I'm wearing a suit, I am much more likely to be approached. I used to think it had to do with women looking for status and success. However, I'm beginning to wonder if it has more to do with my confidence and demeanor. I feel more attractive in a suit, so perhaps I project more confidence in that attire.

[Urshulgi]

I'm 32 and, to this day, I still struggle at approaching a female stranger and starting a conversation.

I also struggle with often not being attracted, whether it be physical or mental, to the girls who are attracted to me. I have resolved to see where one of these relationships goes though, next time one presents itself.

I would say that women are more attracted to me after they get to know me a bit. Once they realize that I'm fairly intelligent and organized, their attitude towards me changes for the better.

I still have problems with being distant, and not being able to translate my internal feelings into an external conversation with a girl I'm dating. I know that frustrates the hell out of women, and I continue to work at communicating more effectively.

[lumin]

Flirting with a person theory of mine from anecdotal evidence. I'm not trying to be arrogant, and by no means am I am "ladies man", but I have noticed that I attract a good amount of females (especially considering that i give hardly an effort and am not in tune to the extroverts' social rituals).

INTJs are frequently criticized for being too self-confident and even arrogant. God knows that I am extremely self-confident and have a strong will and I suspect most other INTJs do too. Are not these qualities that women are attracted too? Its become almost common knowledge that girls hate the pushover type of guys and are actually attracted to jerks.

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

For me, to a T. The last paragraph is especially relevant to what I've experienced.

Me: Sits in a chair, doing what I need to do.
Them: Sits across room or a few chairs up.
Me: Scans vicinity, analyzes and makes judgments on most everyone...sometimes not consciously.
Them: Acts interested but never talks.
Me: Acts uninterested, if a little annoyed, (whether I am actually interested is irrelevant) but never talks.

Result: Nothing.

Dammit.

[isaenator]

I agree! I have to say I am personally VERY attracted to the INTJ male in general. The ones I know are so quiet, but when they aren't it's really fun to listen to their arguments. For me, it's the intelligence and the dry sense of humor (at least in the case of the one I'm dating). I like the fact that INTJs can be playful once you get to know them, and that this playfulness comes out when least expected :P

[BellaBianca]

I like having them around.

I like them when they talk and I like them when they shut up.

I like them when they do things.

With women, they seem to be good at attracting them once they have made up their mind to do so, but I am only talking about the two or three (one borderline INFJ) that I know.

When they have made up their mind - my INTJ friends, that is - they seem to use some sort of strategical approach - often a very forward one that works.

[karenann33]

I married an INTJ man. What attracted him to me was he was probably the first man that stood up to me. He was also a great conversationalist. That first date we stayed up talking till 3am. We just clicked. He was just so darn capable too. Even now he's a lieutenant with the police dept and he amazes me. He is really good at what he does.

He is not forthcoming with his emotions but with a little coaxing he's willing to share. When I get him talking he just takes my breath away. I just wish he'd do it more often. :)

[Marcus Septim]

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?


Yeah,totally lol,sounds like me a year ago

[karenann33]

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

This is my INTJ husband to a T. He is too passive, doesn't want to put forth an effort, although he did commit. However I refuse to let him get away with this behavior. I stand my ground. I clearly (and nicely) state what I want from him and he gets to chose whether or not I'm worth the effort or not. Even after 19 years of marriage I am not opposed to packing my stuff up and leaving and thankfully he know that so he puts the work in. :) I also remind him of the work I put in just to remind him that I'm fair. It's not always easy for me either. I just refuse to spend the rest of my life with someone who can't be bothered to put forth the effort it takes to maintain a good relationship.

Anybody that says marriage is easy is a bold face liar.

[InfiniteLoop]

Considering it works for a lot of the characters Cillian Murphey plays, many of which happen to be INTJs, then yes. Yes, they very much are...

On another level, it could be because you're adorably socially awkward (some of you), don't need tons of affection to be happy, actually act interested in more than our bodies (some of you), are "deep, moody, and mysterious", and seem to have a tough guy outer shell.

Or, y'know, 'cause I'm a nerdy chick and quite a few INTJ guys come off as the sweet nerdy guy. ^^

[Anreader]

I find male NTs of all types super attractive. ENT's are more likely to get anywhere with me though, bc I won't make a move, and INTJ guys tend to not make a move either. Also, I'm hard to get to romantically.

[Vagrant]

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

Not for me. I don't think I attract females at all. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe I just need to stop asking people out or stop actively looking.

Edit: Sorry, I'm acting really weird right now. Take this post with a grain of salt.

[nobilian]

Yes, the confidence attracts quite a few. The sarcastic and caustic humor drives a few away, as does not responding to subtle signs. The confidence is, however, a huge plus.



Well, not all INTJs are passive and unable to comitt. J types are actually the opposite of comittment phobic types. Usually Js love to have things settled - the stronger the J prefernce the stronger the need to definite conclusions. Furthermore the NT trait can make us... what's a nicer way of saying rapacious? In other words, NTJs usually tend to be less passive about getting what they want and more likely to comitt than others types.


This is true for me, at least. My J preference is very strong (around 70%), and I need to have things settled around me. The less "if"s, the better.

[ElstonGunn]

Maybe I just need to stop asking people out or stop actively looking.

Nah, that doesn't work. I've done that for most of my life. You've never seen so many women so pleased to be ignored.

[meeka]

I, as an INFJ female, would definitely say yes. INTJ males are attractive.

I am only aware of knowing one INTJ male, but I find his self-confidence and quick-witted intelligence extremely attractive. I'm not attracted to jerks, and I don't think INTJs are jerks. They more speak their mind. Their intent, from what I can tell, is to be accurate, not cruel. People with the ability to say what they mean directly and effectively (INTJs) are attractive.

[JCrow]

Zamarock nailed it. saying, 'he had no idea people liked him until after the fact'.

I don't get the impression that INTJ's are particularly attractive to others. If its true, it sure doesn't seem that way.

[Dasein]

Have we dated? Ha ha. I can of course only speak for myself, but reserved quiet and confident are highly attractive qualities.

[RandomSage]

"So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature"

For me, not at all. In the ~20 years of my life, have not had a girlfriend. Socially awkward, no confidence there. However, I was, and still am, completely confident academically. Part of the problem is, I think, that I am completely fine with what I have materially. I have plenty to do alone, I do have 4 bookshelves and plenty of time can be spent there.

Also, as far as the not noticing, or noticing too late, totally agree there. Most of the time I can not tell whether they are smiling, etc to be nice, or are actually flirting. Maybe I'm just too cautious, but usually I don't say anything because I just figure that they were being friendly but are not actually interested or else they'd say something.

[ZincLysine]

I have girls approach me all the time. I'm not great looking either. Short, balding, asian, out of shape right now. But girls approach me a lot. My friend's female friends have often said they think I have a strange type of confidence and that I'm enigmatic/mysterious.

But I'm an emotional retard and so sexually absent minded when around girls. When they approach, my brain isn't even in a gear to socialise. So it goes further. I have to be in the mindset for women, otherwise I'm too relaxed to take up the opportunities.

I should have done much better with the opportunities I get, but I'm too distant that I never make that 30 seconds I get count for much. Its only if the girl helps me out a bit and gives me something easy to react to. But most catch me when I'm in half daydream mode, say something, I'm like "what" and they're scurrying off feeling all embarrassed.

I can get girls to approach me quite consitently just by catching their eyes. I don't suffer that nervous look away thing other people have, so it makes it real easy for me. Just have a smile on my face, catch a girl's eyes and often, they come upto me when they get the opportunity.

[Fishism]

I don't believe we INTJ's are "love at first site" kinds of guys. Chances are, we've totally mismatched our clothing and forgot to condition our hair (or in my case have simply shaved it because it's less time consuming to maintain). We are attractive by osmosis. We grow on people, like stubborn passive mold. We'll often be the quiet distracted ones in a social group because we're staring at the light reflecting off someone's watch like a cat. Thankfully, some women find this adorable, especially if we are fortunate or smart enough to possess some other generic attractive qualities like being in shape, or good dental hygiene or own great butts from walking around in circles and pacing while we solve problems. I've been very lucky to have had many wonderfully different girlfriends in my life and all of them say they were drawn to me due to my being versatile and interesting. Mind you, it doesn't take long for them to feel "prioritized" and feel their interest is unrequited. Ooops. *shrug*

[Anreader]

I think most heroes in those dime store romance novels are INTJ.

I agree. Read a romance novel. INTJs are what we fantasize about. Cold, unfeeling, manipulative, until those EF types start working on y'all. Then you're all warm and melty. Damn it. I shoulda been a cowboy.

[True Rune]

Too many variables to really say, but in my culture it isn't unheard of.

[renekerouac]

I haven't had problems in the past attracting women, talking to them on the other hand is a bit of a problem area. Flirting is a no go, I just don't understand the rules (Even after trying to learn them.) and end up unsettling people. One of my old female friends from University told me once that I was good looking in a prince charming kind of way (Her words not mine.) but I was too serious all the time which from my observations is exactly the opposite of what flirting is about.

[think]

This is a rather broad question you know? Each female and male is different regardless of type. Each male INTJ has different qualities that different females may find appealing and others not. I don't know how one could answer this without bringing their own bias preferences for the opposite gender into it. And that's my two cents.

[analysis]

Yes - you definitely hit the nail on the head here for me: my INTJ qualities attract women for a while but also often have diminishing returns. The key variable in my mind is level of interaction: superficial interaction yield few results; getting to me well yields highly positive results; trying to get close to me yields diminishing returns.

In very short-term situations like parties, brief encounters, etc. I tend to be reserved and not particularly socially engaged; typically this leads to women being neutral about me. Though I am capable of projecting charisma, I do not do it naturally and do usually try to do it. (My looks are not a significant positive or negative variable: they do not repel women nor do they drive predictable, serious attraction).

In medium-term to long-term situations (knowing women as classmates, coworkers, friend of friend, etc) I often thrive, however: my aloofness, emotionally composure, independence and intelligence reveal themselves over time and women become increasingly interested in me over time. Even as they discover that I am funny, intelligent, confident, etc. they also realize that I am highly independent and mysterious (not revealing a lot about my inner life) and therefore they are compelled to know more about me. Sometimes this can lead interested girls to be very aggressive toward me in terms of flirting, calling, etc.

In serious long-term situations, however, I flounder. When a women is interested, there is typically a "window" for the man to act (either make a direct physical and emotional "move" or provide a bit of hope for the girl) before she becomes frustrated, bored, resentful or despondent by his inaction. This is the stage that also trips me up. Most of the time I don't act because I am simply not interested (I have very low maintenance intimacy needs and very particular tastes in women). Some of the time, however, I want to act but am basically too awkward to do so: I reciprocate some feelings to the girl but am unsure how to best show these feelings to her. When I am unsure, I do not awkwardly try: I avoid failure by not trying. My coldness usually means that the girls interpret me as rejecting them and they become upset and sad, etc.

[Tactical Panda]

It depends on the INTJ males. Maturity, security/stability, awesomeness, ability to let people know of and even begin to enjoy those qualities, etc.

But it also depends on the females in question. Tastes, maturity, experiences, etc.

'More than one member in a relationship between people' and all that sort of thing.

[scorpiomover]

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?I was under the impression that one of the main difference between INTJs and INTPs, was the INTJ desire for achievement, and competency in making achievements. In other words, your statement would be contrary to what INTJs testify about their general nature. That being said, I notice that a lot of INTJs do not seem to understand why other humans put up with so much in a relationship, which is primarily because getting a relationship without all the problems one encounters, means that it takes a much longer time to get one, and many seem to not understand why so many humans need company that much, to have a relationship. So I would suggest that they don't understand why guys are nice to other people: because being brutally honest tends to send the women fleeing, at least, the emotionally healthy ones. After all, who would put up with behaviour that constantly upsets you?

[Tactical Panda]

When a woman is interested in me, the relationship 'being successful' isn't a 'success' unless in the long term the action is going to be meaningful rather than moreso regrettable.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned like that.

[Causa Mortis]

When I give them the authentic, goal oriented, self actualizing me, it works in surprising numbers.

Also, the shit these guys (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) say is absolutely perfect for attraction. Its non-needy. Its intelligent. Its dominant. Its prickish and borderline asshole. It just needs to be expressed.

[zibber]

This is a rather broad question you know?

Hallelujah.

prickish and borderline asshole

Oh, Causa. Causa, Causa, Causa. I thought you'd moved past that.

[Shadeylark]

i tend to be pretty clueless when someone is flirting with me until after the fact.

even now, in a relationship my girlfriend will typically give me a funny look and note that the woman i was just talking to was hitting on me. im usually completely baffled by it at first, then when i go back over it in my mind i usually agree.

so... yes? i guess im reasonably attractive, and women flirt with and hit on me fairly often, but since ive never been much of a ladies man i just don't realize it, so i don't usually act on it.

[SeverusSin]

In many situations I have found myself to be quite adept at attracting females, but not necessarily the ones I intended to.

[Innovate]

Confidence is very attractive, especially to women.

I put almost no effort into getting to know most people. I just get the information I'm looking for, and say/ask things I feel are necessary.

If I'm really attracted to someone, I'll make the effort to see them & get to know them better. However, I will often get attention from the type of women I'm not interested in.

[Hariar]

Damn, this must be the right place to ask such a question.

[Shadeylark]

If I'm really attracted to someone, I'll make the effort to see them & get to know them better. However, I will often get attention from the type of women I'm not interested in.

i dunno bout others... but this is where i tend to fuck things up.

its like all my self-confidence goes out the window when im actively trying to pick someone up.

frustrating to say the least, especially since the social circles i find myself in are pretty traditional, where the guy is supposed to be the initiator.

get lucky with finding an assertive woman sometimes, but usually, i find myself flying solo.

[Innovate]

i dunno bout others... but this is where i tend to fuck things up.

its like all my self-confidence goes out the window when im actively trying to pick someone up.

frustrating to say the least, especially since the social circles i find myself in are pretty traditional, where the guy is supposed to be the initiator.

get lucky with finding an assertive woman sometimes, but usually, i find myself flying solo.

-

Yeah, it's pretty hard for INTJ's to approach others in such a way, probably because it feels very unnatural to us, but I have realized it's pretty easy once you understand that this is a natural thing and there is nothing wrong by asking someone out politely.

You just have to find what works for you, & take control of the situation.

[Shadeylark]

-

Yeah, it's pretty hard for INTJ's to approach others in such a way, probably because it feels very unnatural to us, but I have realized it's pretty easy once you understand that this is a natural thing and there is nothing wrong by asking someone out politely.

You just have to find what works for you, & take control of the situation.

yea, im trying very hard to suppress my need to have a plan for things before doing them with my current better half.

that's the problem when i try to approach people. i don't know them, i don't know how they'll react to me, so ill sit back and watch. dudes don't usually care much, if they even notice, and eventually ill get confident enough to approach.

women on the other hand, they notice, and sometimes get a bit creeped out (can't really blame em). thank god there are some women out there who are direct enough to call me out on it... if im forced into a situation i can make do... i just can't bring myself to initiate until ive got more info.

[Megalomania]

I can only speak from personal experience - no. Being an introvert is practically female repellant.

[Indespeo]

Not really, as Megalomania imo rightly put, being an introvert will send the females running for the hills. Based off of highschool I kinda view myself as the epitome of what girls do not want.

I have had my confidence acknowledged by 1 person and a group of others I met at a leadership conference, otherwise not at all.

The only female I have know to be attracted to me and forward with it, needs to be put in a mental hospital.

[Fearlessliter]

As an INTJ female, I would say most definitely yes... I can't stand needy guys. I find that when I watch TV or movies, I am attracted to the male who is most like an INTJ. I want someone intelligent and strong- someone I can trust and lean on if needed. Not someone who acts like a stereotypical woman. I have met so many guys like that... why is our type so rare?

[LadySpock]

I believe that INTJ's are fairly good at attracting women, but where they fail is when things go deeper than that.

Many people may find us initially interesting, but our lack of social skills and the ability to perceive things that are a big 'duh' to the majority of the population starts to become annoying to others after a while. INTJs live in a different world than most people, which puts them at a disadvantage in the long run (or so I believe).

100% correct.

INTJs who are low on EI (usually the males) are at a distinct disadvantage.

[thod]

What is it about you that is attracting them? I would suggest it is your decisiveness, that comes with the J-ness. They see that and think you must have got it all sorted out. They are looking for a leader and you seem to be an alpha male. The problem is that these may not be the sort of people you wish to attract.

[s4nder]

Going by personal experience, no. I'm invisible.

[Carot]

I say no....but then again I only know one INTJ male. I wonder if that skews my results?

[Megalomania]

Nah, that doesn't work. I've done that for most of my life. You've never seen so many women so pleased to be ignored.

Yep. Doing nothing is a fantastic way to end up alone if you're a male. Not recommended unless you look like Adonis.

[jens1136]

I think you are right about initial attraction. If physically attractive, and INTJ's confidence, (likely) intelligence and mysteriousness will be a turn on. However, if the confidence appears as arrogance, then it will turn women off. I am not sure where to draw the line between displaying self-confidence and arrogance, but it seems to be a pretty thin line.

Perhaps I am biased as an INTJ female, but I would be attracted to an INTJ male (if, of course, he actually wanted a relationship). If he were giving off a vibe of not being interested, then I would not even bother.

You make it sound as if INTJ's are not just selective, but unwilling to make an effort and/or commit. Surely there would be some woman you'd make an effort for?

[Shadeylark]

a common trait among INTJ's is self-awareness. we know what we're good at, and what we're not. social skills tend to be something we don't particularly excel at.

i dunno bout others, but i usually shy away from those things i know im not good at in favor of concentrating on what i am good at.

when it comes to picking up women, its not that i don't want to make the effort, its that i know im not the best at picking up women (once in a relationship its totally different), so i don't usually "go for it".

[Chaotic Enigma]

I think you're the most mentally stimulating type. That is VERY attractive and captivating!!



INTJs are frequently criticized for being too self-confident and even arrogant. God knows that I am extremely self-confident and have a strong will and I suspect most other INTJs do too. Are not these qualities that women are attracted too? Its become almost common knowledge that girls hate the pushover type of guys and are actually attracted to jerks.


Yes, self-confidence and independence are very attractive. I quite like the coldness and the directness. What appeals the most about you people is that you deal as being "Hard to get". That gives you a veil of mystery and I suppose that intrigues girls to want to know what lies behind because it's more exciting. At least I do. Plus, I like challenges! :smartass:

[DeborahB]

Flirting with a person theory of mine from anecdotal evidence. I'm not trying to be arrogant, and by no means am I am "ladies man", but I have noticed that I attract a good amount of females (especially considering that i give hardly an effort and am not in tune to the extroverts' social rituals).

INTJs are frequently criticized for being too self-confident and even arrogant. God knows that I am extremely self-confident and have a strong will and I suspect most other INTJs do too. Are not these qualities that women are attracted too? Its become almost common knowledge that girls hate the pushover type of guys and are actually attracted to jerks.

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?

I totally agree with you. But this does not happen in the same way with the INTJ women, mostly because men at ene of the day generally search for delicated and sweet women.

[LadySpock]

INTJ are THE least appealing men on the face of the earth.

The facts are these: No woman wants a robotic non-affectionate, non-communicative, arrogant asshole.

Just keeping it real.

[Chaotic Enigma]

INTJ are THE least appealing men on the face of the earth.

The facts are these: No woman wants a robotic non-affectionate, non-communicative, arrogant asshole.

Just keeping it real.

That is true. If you guys could be a bit more balanced and exercise your emotional side a little bit more or if nothing, let emotions penetrate you til you get used to it, you'd have loads more chances!!

...I don't get why rational people such as you don't work on your potential!!

[LadySpock]

INTJs only appear rational, they are not actually rational. Male INTJs doubly so.

[LiveNotOnEvil]

Flirting with a person theory of mine from anecdotal evidence. I'm not trying to be arrogant, and by no means am I am "ladies man", but I have noticed that I attract a good amount of females (especially considering that i give hardly an effort and am not in tune to the extroverts' social rituals).
Don't worry, I'll balance you out. I get no attention from women, in fact I've received more attention from gay guys then I ever have from women :)

So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations. Is this a common experience for other INTJ males?
I wouldn't call myself highly confident, I'm rarely arrogant and am only somewhat akin to that in some ways at certain times and in specific situations, but I'm probably more evasive than anything else. I can commit to obligations, though I can be lazy at times, so maybe I'm the odd one out.

---------- Post added 07-19-2012 at 05:06 AM ----------

INTJ are THE least appealing men on the face of the earth.

The facts are these: No woman wants a robotic non-affectionate, non-communicative, arrogant asshole.

Just keeping it real.
How is that true in any way? :borg:
Anyway, you say these things apply to INTJ men (remove the men because this about INTJs specifically) and that makes you that very same type of person. Thus how can you not be those things but want them in someone else, it sounds a bit hypocritical? Regardless, again, stop making generalisation. I myself can be highly-affectionate, I know how to communicate when I need to and am rarely arrogant and yet I am an INTJ, so I assume there are many more INTJ men such as myself. So you're keeping it, in fact, very far from real.

---------- Post added 07-19-2012 at 05:10 AM ----------

That is true. If you guys could be a bit more balanced and exercise your emotional side a little bit more or if nothing, let emotions penetrate you til you get used to it, you'd have loads more chances!!

...I don't get why rational people such as you don't work on your potential!!
I write poetry which is considered an emotional pursuit, I've written songs before too. However I am also logical a great portion of the time. LadySpock just, once again, seems to be throwing out her usual misandrogynous, hypocritical and severely generalised statements :)

---------- Post added 07-19-2012 at 05:11 AM ----------

INTJs only appear rational, they are not actually rational. Male INTJs doubly so.

I'm rational and have been told so many times :)

[KeepItReal]

INTJ are THE least appealing men on the face of the earth.

The facts are these: No woman wants a robotic non-affectionate, non-communicative, arrogant asshole.

Just keeping it real.
This is true but most INTJ men are not robotic, non-affectionate, non-communicative, arrogant assholes. In fact when in a relationship, they can show utmost loving affection and communicate at the deepest level. It takes a lot for an INTJ to trust and respect anyone and when it happens it can be sublime.

In my experience, women, especially the most attractive ones, always fall for the confident, straight-talking, mysteriously aloof vibe.

[JonLum]

I think confidence, which all NTs are known for is attractive to women. So we definitely have an advantage in that regard, but when it comes to being sensitive and not offending/angering mates, NTs have trouble.

I can relate to this: "So I think a common experience for many INTJ males would that that they initially attract females due to their self-confident, highly independent, and slightly mysterious nature but in the end the women probably give up on the guy because he is too passive, not willing to make an effort, and just unable to commit to any obligations" but would beware of using personality type to excuse ineffective behavior; but if there's no problem with that, I think we both share the tendency to attract females that we don't have crushes on, but eventually do or don't develop feeling for.

[Deliberator]

No way to generalize that one, sorry. Some INTJ males are extremely unattractive, others extremely attractive (I'm speaking both due to physical and behavioral traits).

[24601]

I'm not really a big fan of INTJ men as romantic partners. I'd rather be with someone who's a little more in tune with my needs and desires than an INTJ generally is. I don't think the INTJ men I've met necessarily represent the whole, but the ones I've met really wouldn't make good partners for me and don't really seem to offer the level of affection and attention I want when I want it. It sounds really self-centered, but I bring a lot to a relationship and I should get what I want, or I'd rather be alone.

[kingfish]

I am rarely attracted to any men to be honest so can largely be ignored BUT when I am...they'll be INTJs. Probably because I am not attracted by looks really...I want my mind to be engaged. Good looking people are supposedly everywhere. It is extremely rare that I find someone's who I feel a mental connection with. When I do, of course they are more attractive. I like to 'people watch', to work out what makes people tick. It is only natural that I am more attracted to more interesting 'studies'. Most people I can dismiss in a few seconds.

I have no interest in playing stupid games and wondering what things might possibly mean. INTJs seem to deal with me calling a spade and spade and asking blunt confrontational questions.

Of course there are also INTJs that despite these qualities are just asses. Much like all types I guess.

In general though, what's not to like about a smart, confident, self aware person who doesn't NEED me and doesn't want me to need them either? Hate 'needy' above all other things I think. Even being an asshole. Assholes often have some interesting aspects or conversations. Besides assholes are easier to escape than needy people. Needy people make me physically recoil.

There may be some truth in the 'easy to attract, but harder to hold' theory though. I married my INTJ but almost everyone, including his closest friends and our children say "I don't know how you can put up with him on a daily basis." For me it is incredibly easy...he almost never annoys me and when he does I say so and we briefly discuss it and one of us will have more valid points and so we end up on the same page.

I don't know how people could put up with OTHER people who don't do this. I guess the 'keeping them' part depends on what they are looking for. Seems ridiculous to me that women who would want a touchy feely, let's talk endlessly about subjective feelings sort of man would be attracted to one. I want a fiercely independent, blunt, intelligent man so am attracted to them. Surely that is the way it works. I don't like olives so never see them on a table and think how delicious they'll be when I know they aren't. So am never disappointed because I never consider eating one. That would be crazy.

[Outlaw]

Now that i look back at my high school days, i guess i did. At that point in my life, i knew of the personalities. I knew of them. I did attract a few, which was nice, a girl was talking to me. They seemed to treat me as if i was an adult. I held a job through all high school, so i was never involved with school other than attending class. Now i look at myself, and i do attract women, but not one of them has approached me. Perhaps i should let off on the independent a bit, and make me seem "hopeless" to a degree which women may find admirable, and want to comb down. New task for the up coming weeks, seem helpless around women, like a caveman.

[Yuri]

I have yet to meet an INTJ male in real life :(
I think I may have met one? I found his (substantiated) self-confidence very attractive. However, two INTJs equals extremely awkward social situation. I ended up having to act more ESFP or something. Yikes!

(kidding)

[KillyEkFael]

For the first 22 years of my life I actively made myself uglier and avoided too much contact with girls because I had no interest what so ever in relationship, quite the contrary. Love was something to despise and loath about.
From an aggressive rejection, It became passive indifference. I even start to slowly care about my appearance (for other reasons than dating. It is merely that the idea start to make sense and I live in a world of ideas). And I am way more social in my standard than I was before. But still, in physical world, I am not attractive. Even though, every time I have nice relation with a co worker or a nice time with a female customer, there is joke "you're in love" and the kind. But that's just joke (the girl has a boyfriend for example, or the customer is equally nice with my gay coworker). So I am not attractive (or I don't see it, but as for my brother, if I didn't see it, I think a coworker or a friend would told me I didn't see it).

On internet, gosh! There is many crazy hopeless girl on the web, it terrifies me. And some of them are even half decent. Sadly for them, I have very high intellectual standard, and very little interest in relationship. People say it's easier for girl than for boys online because of the quantity of perverts. Personally, I'd like that to be true. On internet chat, I never stop to refuse direct or indirect proposition. When you are not looking for dating, it's quite annoying.

[MoreThanSmiles]

Yes, INTJ males are attractive to females.

They are the mentally-stimulating paperweights in an ENFP girl's life... keeping us safe and grounded while we bring smiles and light to their world.

[Lilie]

I married my INTJ but almost everyone, including his closest friends and our children say "I don't know how you can put up with him on a daily basis." For me it is incredibly easy...he almost never annoys me

This is hilarious.

My INTJ was single for almost ten years. I don't understand that at all because he is so great at being in a relationship. He's very affectionate and thoughtful, respects my needs and wants, fun to be around... he has said that being single for so long was very much not what he would have chosen for himself, it just happened.

[kingfish]

@lilie, my INTJ was also single for about eight years but by choice as he and everyone else knew (including me) that he was at that time a complete selfish ass. We were great friends during this time because he was also very charismatic and interesting.....but in a relationship would have been a complete bastard. He wasn't interested in one for that reason.

When we came to be together as a couple it was quite astonishing for both of us. We both say that we are two people who didn't want to be in a relationship and so belonged together.

In fairness. most people still judge him by 'The Selfish Years' as they went on for so long (his friends have known him since preschool and he was apparently always primarily interested in his own ideas and wants). One of our friends, when he found out we were a couple said to me "Please...just don't tell me he has a sensitive side. I couldn't stand it and I wouldn't believe you anyway. I'd just think that I had misjudged YOU and that you are actually a delusional moron."

In reality, he just grew up and made different decisions about what he wanted for himself. It is assumed that I changed him but that isn't so. He changed and THEN it was possible for him to be in a relationship. He is great for me....I'm not sure anyone else would want him though. Definitely helps that we are both INTJs so understand each other.

[Cat1021]

My boyfriend and I were flirtatious friends for the longest time. He attracted quite a bit of female attention. I've said before that I am attracted to complex people. I like the mystery, but I think it's because I find myself to be complex, and I get bored if I can figure people out too quickly. I used to tease him all the time about the girls he attracted. I called them his fan club, and we used to tease around while I made playful jabs at his ego. Apparently our behavior was obvious to everyone but ourselves. Eventually we realized our attraction, but I think it was because we knew each other on a level other people didn't seem interesting in developing. I'm an INFJ and he's an INTJ, so you can imagine that we are two peas in a pod. We share the same brain sometimes, but my "F" and his "T" can cause it's fair share of trouble, but also that spark of differences that keeps our relationship exciting. I don't know if I just lucked out or if it's just that I'm more patient, but I feel like my boyfriend and I are constantly growing together individually and as a couple. We want to understand the other and be able to anticipate each other's needs. There have been times where I felt he was placating me or didn't care about me, but being such good friends first, it was more important to work to understand the other, since there was more to lose.

[Cryogenics]

I don't have an issue with attraction so much as I do with making a connection. I know how to project confidence and I do not fear talking to anyone. Not to brag, but I am also told I am quite good looking. I catch girls checking me out and the more bold ones will hit on me.

My problem is that I don't get how to flirt. I feel like such an awkward moron when I try. So even if there is initial attraction it dies when i miss/blow my chance to flirt.

[kiwifootprints]

I have only had a small number of experiences with INTJs, I can count them on one hand (wish you guys were easier to find :P ) But yes INTJs are attractive!!

In my experience I’m attracted to INTJs mainly for their mysterious nature, their intelligence and their ability to plan for all possible future events. I love the ‘getting to know people’ process and with INTJs I find this a huge but exciting challenge (so long as they do slowly let me in, if it drags on toooo long I lose interest)! Unfortunately when it comes to flirting I have been met with blank looks but intellectual flirting can be fun as long as the INTJ stays playful and doesn't get too serious. I love the way I never know what to expect from an INTJ, I’m always kept guessing and always kept on my toes. I don’t always know if a comment he makes is his opinion or if he just wants to see what my reaction will be ha!

One big problem I have with INTJs my age (I’m in my mid 20s) is that they’re not ready for a relationship, they have other things they want to pursue first. This is when I lose interest. Also if he is interested but expects me to do the chasing it put’s me off. If he’s interested I want him to put some effort in. I don’t think males always realise how damn sexy a display of dominance is from a female perspective and I perceive ‘chasing’ to be a more dominant act.

[qstoffe]

I think the biggest factor for attraction comes from appearance no matter what anyone says they are attracted to. This goes for both genders. This means a INTJ may be a lone wolf or even an asshole and still attract a lot of people simply by good looks.

[happygolucky]

I have found some INTJ men attractive... some not so much....
1. The more attractive ones are the ones who are just ice cold introverts.... who may look at me... but completely ignore me when I try to make "small talk". They have an air of confidence and that one minute will make me feel that talking to them is wasting their time... but when the conversation changes.... they intensely look at me with such focus that it confirms that they are intensely interested in me! The last guy who did that... I am quietly in love with! That mind reading stare is so strong that I just want to melt into his arms!
2. The ones who I look past are the ones who "try to be friendly" and "try to act extraverted"... their pretend extraverted mannerisms make them come across as weak and goofy.

[LadySpock]

Look around this forum and you'll see exactly why INTJ males are THE least attractive on the planet.

[qstoffe]

Look around this forum and you'll see exactly why INTJ males are THE least attractive on the planet.

Agreed. We INTJs and INTPs are a very cynical group of people. Those of us who are not blessed with good looks like "eye on earth" can pretty much forget about women.

[Ambra]

Intj as a personality type (not a generalization of all INTJ males) is incredibly attractive. The combination of critical thought and desire for truth as well as not participating in pack mentality is an excellent base for any kind of attraction.

[LadySpock]

That's bullshit. Emotionally immature INTJs are chronically friendless & lonely. Even the emotionally mature ones have a hard time forming real bonds with people because they can easily identify inconsistencies in other people and they can't get past other people's flaws.

[Ambra]

That actually sounds more INTP. :p

[PhilipJFry]

That's bullshit. Emotionally immature INTJs are chronically friendless & lonely. Even the emotionally mature ones have a hard time forming real bonds with people because they can easily identify inconsistencies in other people and they can't get past other people's flaws.

That's a *lot* of generalization. I'm not perfect by any means but none of the things in that post apply to me.

[curiousgeorge01]

If he’s interested I want him to put some effort in. I don’t think males always realise how damn sexy a display of dominance is from a female perspective and I perceive ‘chasing’ to be a more dominant act.


Yea, that's where I lose a lot of women. In fairness though, I was brought with the whole "equality" type of thinking so in my mind, the women should chase me/put in more effort if they're interested. Which is why I get confused when women don't want the whole equality thing anymore when it comes to the dating game. I think many women are more traditional in their thinking than they are led to believe.


Look around this forum and you'll see exactly why INTJ males are THE least attractive on the planet.



You do realize most posters here are college aged or early 20s? You really can't expect that emotional maturity from most people around that age.

[Ceratium]

I think that the intelligent part can be very attractive for a woman. Because intelligence means that you might be able to get a good job in which you earn enough money and in the human world: Money=power. Power/Money means that you can take care of/or support your potential family. In nature and thus in people females select (sometimes without being aware of it) their partner by looking at if he can care for her and any potential children. Sexual attractiveness helps to find a healthy partner which leads to healthy children.

Problems I see for male INTJ's is arrogance or the sitting quietly in a corner part. No one really likes other arrogant people and if you're quietly in a corner simply no one will notice you, no matter how smart you are or how much money you have. Self-confidence can actually help to get noticed, but be careful that it doesn't change into pure arrogance.

[miker59]

That's bullshit. Emotionally immature INTJs are chronically friendless & lonely. Even the emotionally mature ones have a hard time forming real bonds with people because they can easily identify inconsistencies in other people and they can't get past other people's flaws.

I think in my case I was friendless and didn't much care. When I became lonely I did something about it. I've been married now for 20 years. I pretty much agree but again would like to change words to "can't bother getting past other people's flaws."

[ReasoningMind]

That's bullshit. Emotionally immature INTJs are chronically friendless & lonely. Even the emotionally mature ones have a hard time forming real bonds with people because they can easily identify inconsistencies in other people and they can't get past other people's flaws.

You are mistaken and here's why:
Emotional health consists of:
* Being happy with who you are >>>> Biggest problem since mostly it is difficult to put up with the "society says so" and "why can't you be like someone elses" especially when young. Actions are in order, but feelings aren't, which means one is themselves and not pretending but doesn't feel good about it. Or tries to fit in with this and that and pretends, then feels inadequate and irritated about it also. Focus here is on the word "I".
* Being happy with people around you >>>> Another problem if one chooses not according to what pleases them, but tries to bond with just anyone around, the group, or the whole society in ways they demand. Real bonds require real people on both ends, not proudly flawed sheep. Also, it is not healthy to succesfully bond and ease into a mutual respect and enjoyment with people or societies in general if they themselves aren't healthy. Focus here is on the word "real".
* Successful functioning in said society >>>> This is mostly misunderstood. It doesn't mean one needs to succesfully and happily accept all demands and premises offered to them and obey unquestioningly, maintaining relationhips to their detriment in ways they aren't familiar or happy with. It means using your own talents and powers that contribute to it in ways that are useful even if indirect. Focus here is the word "own".

Therefore I do not see any problem with a young INTJ choosing to try to define themselves by carefully inspecting the expectations placed on them(both external and internalized - this is the most important but lengthy and difficult part imo), bonding with people they can honestly respect if few, and work on getting a challengingly enjoyable career as the function. In fact, this wouldn't be so difficult for many of them should they put their minds to it instead of "how do I comfortably fit in with each and every demand", and they would be the shit but not the bull version.

[Ghoster]

I always have this "what the hell am I doing" attitude when I'm flirting.

You just summed up my entire romantic life.

Due to not being a very emotional person (and when I am emotional, I'm terrible at displaying it), I always try to be emotional; which usually results in asking myself "why did you do that?", and "what the hell are you thinking you moron?" over and over again until I'm awkward enough that they just leave. :facepalm:

[ummon]

ENFP (and to some extent INFP) females, yes. Other females, no.

[PLC]

There is something I don't get. The whole "quiet and confident" deal that seems to be so attractive to many women. It seems contradictory to me. To my experience, the more confident you become with your ideas/beliefs/yourself, the easier it becomes to open up.

I have no doubt I am introverted but I've reached a point where people don't have to pry my thoughts out of me, hell, with my bluntness they probably often wish that I'd keep to myself more often. I'm pretty much an open book now if anyone dares to ask the right questions.

So yeah, if someone really wants to know more about me, the mystery aspect doesn't stay around for long... But I don't like playing games so... whatever.

[Kyros]

It's hard to get to know 'em.
They are generally like open books in morse code.
Hence,may be considered fascinating from the viewpoint of a female who attempts decryption of their existential syntax in vain.

[kingfish]

There is something I don't get. The whole "quiet and confident" deal that seems to be so attractive to many women. It seems contradictory to me. To my experience, the more confident you become with your ideas/beliefs/yourself, the easier it becomes to open up.

I have no doubt I am introverted but I've reached a point where people don't have to pry my thoughts out of me, hell, with my bluntness they probably often wish that I'd keep to myself more often. I'm pretty much an open book now if anyone dares to ask the right questions.

So yeah, if someone really wants to know more about me, the mystery aspect doesn't stay around for long... But I don't like playing games so... whatever.


The 'quiet confidence' that I mean isn't about being uncomfortable in expressing yourself. It is more about not feeling the NEED to, not being the loudmouthed, 'look at me and let me enumerate the ways in which I am so totally awesome' guy in a bar. The one who doesn't try to impress you. Just knows all about himself and knows that is enough.

There is a very tangible difference between a guy sitting awkwardly in silence, wishing he was different so that people would like him and find him interesting and a guy sitting comfortable in his silence because he knows he is already exactly who he wants to be and doesn't care whether people like him or find him interesting.

Self contained and self assured doesn't mean that you can't articulate things. It just means that you don't necessarily bother to or feel the need to.....unless someone interesting enough turns up and asks the right questions. That someone would rather their own company over any company and will therefore wait for good company.

[LadySpock]

When I see a quiet man - I think "serial killer."

Don't believe the hype.

[kingfish]

When I see a quiet man - I think "serial killer."

Don't believe the hype.

There are of course those type of quiet men too....generally easy to spot the difference between 'quiet confidence' and 'serial killer'.

Maybe it comes down to knowing how to ask the right questions....and as lots of INTJs are analytical 'people watchers' I think we INTJs would have a better than average success rate in telling the two apart.

[LadySpock]

Your post must be a joke.

INTJs are less than 2% of the population and we usually are the serial killers.

Quiet people have less interactions and therefore less chances to date and mate.

[PLC]

The 'quiet confidence' that I mean isn't about being uncomfortable in expressing yourself. It is more about not feeling the NEED to, not being the loudmouthed, 'look at me and let me enumerate the ways in which I am so totally awesome' guy in a bar. The one who doesn't try to impress you. Just knows all about himself and knows that is enough.

There is a very tangible difference between a guy sitting awkwardly in silence, wishing he was different so that people would like him and find him interesting and a guy sitting comfortable in his silence because he knows he is already exactly who he wants to be and doesn't care whether people like him or find him interesting.

Self contained and self assured doesn't mean that you can't articulate things. It just means that you don't necessarily bother to or feel the need to.....unless someone interesting enough turns up and asks the right questions. That someone would rather their own company over any company and will therefore wait for good company.

Yeah, that's how I feel I am. I don't feel the need to shove my ideas into people's face but if they ask for it I have no problem in sharing what's going through my head. Hardly anybody ever ask the "right" questions, so I often keep quiet and I live with that just fine as I don't need their validation.

It's always weird to me though because I like digging to find what makes people tick but most of them are content with merely scratching the surface. Whatever floats their boat I guess but I fail to understand how you can get a good grasp of somebody after only knowing what's their job and what they do on weekends...

What I was referring to in my initial post though, is that some women seem to claim that they like the challenge and the mystery of having to dig hard to get some INTJs to put into words what is going through in their head. While it can be charming at first, I find it's usually the kind of stuff a lot of women end up finding quite irritating and complain about on the long run.

When I see a quiet man - I think "serial killer."

Don't believe the hype.

Be nice, serial killers have feelings too.

[miker59]

Such a happy thread just now . . . can't we blame the INTP's for the serial killings? I'm sticking to photography, chess, reading, cooking, world domination, as my hobbies.

[ModernLit]

Intj as a personality type (not a generalization of all INTJ males) is incredibly attractive. The combination of critical thought and desire for truth as well as not participating in pack mentality is an excellent base for any kind of attraction.

i don't really agree with this. i think female INTJs are interesting and i could see them being attractive. but male INTJs? no. i haven't met one that i liked as a person. maybe one but i only talked to him for about 20 minutes. all the others have been sort of asshole head cases with superiority complexes and little to no regard for the well being, sanity, or peace of the people around them :freak:

i much prefer gentler souls, like INFPs or INFJs. i collect INFs like no body's business :)

---------- Post added 01-25-2013 at 11:36 PM ----------

There are of course those type of quiet men too....generally easy to spot the difference between 'quiet confidence' and 'serial killer'.

um, lol. this post and the original comment on serial killers being INTJs made me laugh. wtf?

---------- Post added 01-25-2013 at 11:37 PM ----------

Be nice, serial killers have feelings too.

ha, yes. unless they're psychopaths/sociopaths that is. they don't have feelings. :freak:

[kingfish]

I guess serial killers are just thinner on the ground where I come from.

I'll stick with the quiet confident guys without much fear. The braggadocios bore me and are far more scary. They have things to prove to the world and themselves and generally get upset when their 'proof' (read: 'saying it is so') is not convincing to me.

[qstoffe]

After reading this (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) I'd say no. Relationship strengths of INTJs are pretty weak while the weaknesses are severe. At least for male INTJs. Of course, if you look like a model, MBTI type doesn't matter all that much.

[LadySpock]

INTJs are most definitely weak on relationship skills due to lack of EI.

INTJ males can literally be emotional cripples.

INTJs who realize their weaknesses and engage in self improvement are in a good position to have fulfilling lives.

[curiousgeorge01]

When I see a quiet man - I think "serial killer."

Don't believe the hype.


Funny how when you see a man talk a lot you don't see "narcissistic a-hole." There's probably something funny with your radar rather than the men themselves.


Anyway, as I've said before, I think it's a problem that afflicts younger male INTJs more than the older ones. I def don't have the same problems as I did in my teens/early 20s with women.


Look around this forum and you'll see exactly why INTJ males are THE least attractive on the planet.



Based on this logic I got to ask, so why are INTJ women appealing? Is it b/c you try that much harder, which I doubt, or is it b/c men are just much more generous than women?

[davai]

Sure why not

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[Outlaw]

I think i do, but other than that, i have no clue. There has to be someone out there that finds me attractive. Someone in the country or world.

[Jaeger]

In my opinion, no. Women seem to gravitate towards the charismatic extroverts.

[VF1J]

I think if an INTJ male holds themself well, they can be attractive. It might be an accidental aura of confidence. It's good to notice though, it's not a great dating tool unless you can harness it though, otherwise initial attraction will disappear into nothingness.

Then again, that could all be bollocks.