Assertiveness

[Jenny Penny]

I have a bit of a problem with a coworker... He is a decent guy (probably ESFJ) but he chews gum constantly. This is interfering with my ability to work. I have worked up the nerve twice to say something, but all that did was lower the volume level of his smacking by maybe 10-15%.

I am listening to his obnoxious smacking at this very moment and am at my wit's end. I think most of my frustration has to do with my own tendency to avoid conflict and stay in the background. I wish I could confront people who are intruding on my personal space with a calm assertiveness, but that is completely lost on me. I end up overreacting in the assumption that the offender is out to get me and is a barbarian. How do you deal with situations in which someone needs to be confronted about their rude behavior? Do you find these situations difficult?

[Jgib5328]

Grows some balls and tell him to spit out the gum or chew with his mouth closed at least. Be assertive, it's an important skill to have or else you will get stepped on in life or chewed on in your case. I'd tell him that his chewing is bothering the hell out of me and tell him to stop, he can live without gum.

[Paul V]

The key to assertiveness is willpower. If you don't have it, your assertiveness is not worth squat.

You can develop willpower the same way I did, through fear and pain. Basically, you have to traumatise yourself so badly that your desire to avoid conflict pales in comparison. You have to subject yourself to psychological torture long enough to be willing to do anything to break free. With that in mind, you have to view this co-worker's annoyance as psychological torture and harness your trauma into sheer willpower to make him stop. It doesn't matter if you come off too intense at first. You'll learn to tame it and release it into small doses.


That was my way, but you don't have to follow my advice. It's just that I used to be just like you, and my fear of conflict restrained my every action. Now I simply refuse to let it control me.

[elsdfr]

Get your own gum and chew it louder! I would.

Once this guy near me was a heavy typer. Sometimes he'd get excited or was just about to finish something and I'd have to put up with his "happy typing" for the whole day. So every now and then I'd wack my enter key to get his attention... ahh good times. Anyway a few weeks later I just invested in some noise canceling headphones, best investment yet.

[Paul V]

Get your own gum and chew it louder! I would.

Once this guy near me was a heavy typer. Sometimes he'd get excited or was just about to finish something and I'd have to put up with his "happy typing" for the whole day. So every now and then I'd wack my enter key to get his attention... ahh good times. Anyway a few weeks later I just invested in some noise canceling headphones, best investment yet.


I would just wish I was able to buy one of those and not feel completely and utterly vulnerable and unprotected.

[elsdfr]

On my paranoid days I just take one of them out. I sometimes wonder if leaving it in my left ear makes me more able to appreciate it... you know, with the left right brain thing?

I forgot to mention he had a habit of swearing like a sailor when things where not working for him. Personally, people who swear when slightly frustrated by work bother me.

[Paul V]

On my paranoid days I just take one of them out. I sometimes wonder if leaving it in my left ear makes me more able to appreciate it... you know, with the left right brain thing?

I forgot to mention he had a habit of swearing like a sailor when things where not working for him. Personally, people who swear when slightly frustrated by work bother me.


You have paranoid days? HAH! I live on those days.

Perhaps that'd make an impact. If you kept the habit for a long time.

I only swear if I'm alone or with close friends/family (everyone does here in my country), but never in front of strangers. But I understand. Those people really annoy me. Soundproofing the room would be much better. Too bad it's unfeasible.

[Wapiti]

Headphones, music? Is listening to music via headphones an option where you work. Can you do your job while listening to music? Will your employer allow it? I turn on my headphones at work and tune everyone out from time to time, very therapeutic.

[elsdfr]

Yeah, it helps me concentrate.

[Zilal]

Speaking up is definitely the right thing to do. There's no reason to alienate the guy, though. Just keep it simple and kind and mention how hard it is for you to concentrate and ask if he will chew more quietly/chew less/chew not at all/chew over there instead/whatever you haven't tried yet. And encourage any positive steps he does take.

It's not necessarily going to solve the situation, but you'll probably feel better about it the more you practice communicating. With him and with others too. I mean that speaking up when a friend is doing something bothersome will also help you feel better around this guy. The more confident you become in your own ability to communicate, the less often you'll feel powerless and frustrated, even in situations you have little control over.

Be sure to look up fundamentals of good communication if you're unfamiliar with them, like phrasing things in "I language." Getting over the initial hump of actually using the stuff is difficult, but once you've done it a handful of times it gets easier.

And yeah, I'd look into headphones too, just in case the problem proves unsolvable. Also, it sounds like you've convinced yourself you just can't concentrate while he's chewing. That might be so, or it might be that your own thoughts about him and his chewing are more distracting than the actual chewing. I'd put some work into testing the theory that you can't concentrate while that noise is going on. Every time you find yourself thinking, "Argh! I can't concentrate!" try replacing the thought with, "I can concentrate," and go back to work. See if your mind takes that as a cue to focus a bit more.

[Tokey41]

Just tell him that its bothering you but do it in a polite manner. Ask him if he would mind not chewing gum at work anymore as it distracts you from your work. It doesn't seem like a huge deal, i'm sure if he's a nice guy he will stop and since he's already made an effort that seems to be the case.

If he doesn't stop try some alternatives, but direct confrontation with your problem (no matter how unpleasant it may seem to you) is something you need to learn, if you have a problem you need to deal with it... and this seems like the most logical approach.

[Caramel]

...ask if he will chew more quietly/chew less/chew not at all/chew over there instead/whatever you haven't tried yet.


What Zilal means is, tell him to chew off.

[thod]

I dont get it, his chewing gum is your problem not his. He is entitled to chew gum, drink coffee and pick his nose. You just dont like working around other people but thats your problem. Someone told me I wasnt allowed to chew gum I would give them the finger back. You could try walking over to desk and standing behind him everytime you need to fart. Maybe you could cut a deal. Less face farting for less gum.

[ElstonGunn]

I probably wouldn't say anything to him, but that's just me. Most of the time (again, this is just me), I find it easier to just stop being bothered by things than it would be to make a big deal out of it. But I'm good at/used to tuning noises out, and bad at/not at all used to telling people to stop being inconsiderate chuckleheads.

[Learning]

I have a bit of a problem with a coworker... He is a decent guy (probably ESFJ) but he chews gum constantly. This is interfering with my ability to work. I have worked up the nerve twice to say something, but all that did was lower the volume level of his smacking by maybe 10-15%.

I am listening to his obnoxious smacking at this very moment and am at my wit's end. I think most of my frustration has to do with my own tendency to avoid conflict and stay in the background. I wish I could confront people who are intruding on my personal space with a calm assertiveness, but that is completely lost on me. I end up overreacting in the assumption that the offender is out to get me and is a barbarian. How do you deal with situations in which someone needs to be confronted about their rude behavior? Do you find these situations difficult?
Eeek, that does sound annoying. It also sounds like you're okay on assertiveness, though, if you've asked him twice already (the results are another issue;)). Honestly, I think a lot of times the only person we can really change is ourselves (as other commentors suggested). Getting frustrated over little things is stressful to us & our bodies in the long run. Perhaps seeing it from that perspective will help?
It's odd how sometimes in trying to resolve a conflict a person can seem confrontational :thinking:. (Perhaps look into body language & tone of voice?)

[istheather]

assertiveness has always been an issue with me, however I've gotten better about it though. My career choice has pushed me to be more assertive (work as a network admin), because having to work with network users and having to solve their computer problems.

Anyhow, you can either say something to this person or bring headphones to block out the noise. :) Good luck