Managing Conflict - Will you have longevity?

[Colette]

This, from Reuters today.

What is your 'conflict' type in a relationship? Are you primarily aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive, and can you comfortably defend yourself when under attack, and discuss the issues constructively with your partner. Or, like me, do you retreat into a shell and pull your favorite blankey over your head?

For myself, if the study is to be believed, then it seems I casually shaved roughly 5 years off my life expectancy, in my marriage (which ended 8 years ago) :)

UPS AND DOWNS:

A new study shows fighting with your partner may actually help you live longer.

Fighting with your spouse can actually be good for your health with people who bottle it all up found to die earlier, a new study shows.

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health and its Psychology Department released preliminary findings after 17 years of following 192 couples.

The couples fell into four categories: where both partners expressed anger when they felt unfairly attacked, where neither partner expressed their anger, and one category each for where the wife suppressed her feelings and where the husband did so.

"I would say that if you don't express your feelings to your partner and tell them what the problem is when you're unfairly attacked, then you're in trouble," said Ernest Harburg, lead author of the study, in an interview.

The study found that those who kept their anger in were twice as likely to die earlier than those who don't.

There were 13 deaths in the group of 26 pairs where both partners suppressed their emotions, as opposed to only 41 deaths in the remaining 166 pairs.

"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said.

"Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict."

Harburg said resentment was the real threat - and suppressing anger led to resentment.

He said it is the resentment that interacts with any medical vulnerabilities a person might have, increasing their chances of succumbing to that medical problem.

"It's healthy to recognise that you're being attacked unfairly and it's even more healthy to speak up and to talk about it and try to resolve the problem if you want to live longer," said Harburg.

[stasis]

What is your 'conflict' type in a relationship? Are you primarily aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive, and can you comfortably defend yourself when under attack, and discuss the issues constructively with your partner.
Aggressive, I suppose. If there is some sort of difficulty within my relationship then I'm not going to hesitate to bring it up directly, for (if necessary) protracted discussion. As for defending myself when under attack, I think that would really depend upon how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become to the person attacking me. I have had longterm relationships wherein self-defense was as easily accomplished as it is anywhere else. But I have also known someone whom I couldn't defend myself against even if I'd needed to. Not effectively anyway.

It is interesting that the article mentions anger as a response to an unjust attack, as I don't tend to react to unfair treatment within a relationship by becoming angry. My normal reaction is irritation or sadness instead, and these I do not suppress in this context. The thing of it is though, why would the person attack me in the first place? I would say there's a substantial distinction between being criticized and being attacked; the purpose of an attack is to wound, and I probably wouldn't continue investing time in somebody who intentionally attempted to damage me on more than a very small handful of occasions. My ability to trust that person would evaporate long before some repressed anger-bomb prompted an embolism and early death somewhere in my forties. Along with trust, the relationship itself would evaporate as well.



Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict.
Fah. A relationship is a system. If it dysfunctions, attempting an analysis of the 'interpersonal dynamic' seems like an obvious means of ascertaining whether or not a resolution exists and, if one does exist, what the nature of it is and how therefore to go about applying it to the problem. Not talking about it doesn't even make sense to me. And I wasn't trained to do that by watching my single mother interact with no-one.

[Colette]

As for defending myself when under attack, I think that would really depend upon how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become to the person attacking me.

So are you saying that if you've not allowed yourself to feel 'vulnerable', you feel no need to defend yourself when under 'attack' from a particular person? Would your response in this 'non-vulnerable' state be to just walk away, or deflect it?

The thing of it is though, why would the person attack me in the first place? I would say there's a substantial distinction between being criticized and being attacked; the purpose of an attack is to wound, and I probably wouldn't continue investing time in somebody who intentionally attempted to damage me on more than a very small handful of occasions.

I'm not sure I agree with this. I don't believe a verbal onslaught needs to have the 'purpose' of wounding, or hurting, in order to achieve the objective of doing so. For instance I think that people in a relationship will often dress up criticism as something like 'an attempt to help', or 'set the partner straight' to the world, as they see it. They may not intend to hurt, but effectively they may as well have hit the person over the head with a blunt instrument, because by criticizing, they chip away at the partner's security and sense of self.

A passive approach to criticism will (or may) result in deep resentment developing. IMO a passive approach often results not from low self-esteem, but rather a desire to avoid conflict at all costs, and to 'preserve' what may in fact be an unhealthy relationship, for reasons best known to the person being criticised :)

[Lucid]

I'm not sure I agree with this. I don't believe a verbal onslaught needs to have the 'purpose' of wounding, or hurting, in order to achieve the objective of doing so. For instance I think that people in a relationship will often dress up criticism as something like 'an attempt to help', or 'set the partner straight' to the world, as they see it. They may not intend to hurt, but effectively they may as well have hit the person over the head with a blunt instrument, because by criticizing, they chip away at the partner's security and sense of self.

I don't think criticism will necessarily or inevitably chip away at a partner's security and sense of self worth. I'd say that it depends on the type and the frequency of the criticism. Also, possibly, the relative importance of the subjects about which a person is criticized to that person.

[Provoker]

Fighting with your spouse can actually be good for your health with people who bottle it all up found to die earlier, a new study shows.

Is this a scheme to increase law firm revenues? LOL. Higher conflict correlates with higher divorce rates. Divorces give lawyers work. In effect, more conflict amounts to more revenue for law firms. I wouldn't be suprised if this study was financed by a law firm.

[Colette]

Is this a scheme to increase law firm revenues? LOL. Higher conflict correlates with higher divorce rates. Divorces give lawyers work. In effect, more conflict amounts to more revenue for law firms. I wouldn't be suprised if this study was financed by a law firm.

Interesting thought. You're not paranoid if they're really out to get you, eh? :p

I don't think criticism will necessarily or inevitably chip away at a partner's security and sense of self worth. I'd say that it depends on the type and the frequency of the criticism. Also, possibly, the relative importance of the subjects about which a person is criticized to that person

I don't agree with that. IMO, almost any form of criticism in an intimate relationship is both unhelpful and destructive of the underpinnings of the relationship. That is not to say that messages don't occasionally need to be delivered, or 'bad behaviors/attitudes' addressed, in a partner, but I believe there is almost always a better way of doing this, than criticizing the partner's behavior, personality, or attitude. For example, retaining the focus on your own feelings about a behavior, rather than adopting an 'accusing' tone, will often deflect any possible sense of attack or hurt. Not 'sweating the small stuff' is another important factor, IMO, in minimizing potential criticism of a partner. Not expecting the other person to be, and behave, exactly like yourself, is another way. There is a whole range of options available to allow a person to stand up for their rights/expectations in a relationship without criticizing, but unfortunately it seems that many people do not have the skills to utilize these other methods effectively.

[Lucid]

I don't agree with that. IMO, almost any form of criticism in an intimate relationship is both unhelpful and destructive of the underpinnings of the relationship. That is not to say that messages don't occasionally need to be delivered, or 'bad behaviors/attitudes' addressed, in a partner, but I believe there is almost always a better way of doing this, than criticizing the partner's behavior, personality, or attitude. For example, retaining the focus on your own feelings about a behavior, rather than adopting an 'accusing' tone, will often deflect any possible sense of attack or hurt. Not 'sweating the small stuff' is another important factor, IMO, in minimizing potential criticism of a partner. Not expecting the other person to be, and behave, exactly like yourself, is another way. There is a whole range of options available to allow a person to stand up for their rights/expectations in a relationship without criticizing, but unfortunately it seems that many people do not have the skills to utilize these other methods effectively.

I think you and I have widely differing ideas about what constitutes criticism. Can you please define it in your terms so I understand where you're coming from? :)

[Colette]

I think you and I have widely differing ideas about what constitutes criticism. Can you please define it in your terms so I understand where you're coming from? :)

Negative comments directed at a person's personality, attitude, or some specific action or omission by that person. Usually delivered with an accusatory tone, and often having the effect of hurting the person or making them feel guilty/bad.

For example: "You're always stuffing up arrangements - why can't you be better organised, and save us all the headache?". "Are you gonna go out dressed like that"?

[Merle]

I would say that I'm agressive... but I get very angry and resentful when the other person tries to suppress any conflict. If I can't argue and fight something out I feel impotent and trapped.

[thecraig]

Negative comments directed at a person's personality, attitude, or some specific action or omission by that person. Usually delivered with an accusatory tone, and often having the effect of hurting the person or making them feel guilty/bad.

For example: "You're always stuffing up arrangements - why can't you be better organised, and save us all the headache?". "Are you gonna go out dressed like that"?

Some ways of delivering criticism have a tendency of being more hurtfull than others. For instance saying "That dress makes you look fat" is not the most emotionally sensitive way to tell your wife that you don't like that dress on her. But by the definition of critisism it is still critisism if you say it more considerately like "I think maybe a different dress would look better."

Not all critisism is negative and not all negative critisism need be hurtfull. Some people, unfortunatelly, do not take criticism well no matter how it is deliverd.

It is my understanding that we INTJ generally take critisism pretty well, and are pretty critical of ourselfs and others (My guess this is due to strong Te and a very week almost non existant Fe). Where we need to be carefull is HOW we criticise, both in tone of voice and wording. Haha.... Even now I am being critical.

[Colette]

Not all critisism is negative and not all negative critisism need be hurtfull. Some people, unfortunatelly, do not take criticism well no matter how it is deliverd.


I don't agree. As stated in an earlier post, I do not believe criticism is necessary at all (not on a personal level, anyway, as distinct from say critiquing someone's argument). If you have an opinion or a message to get through, it can be done in other ways.

[thecraig]

I don't agree. As stated in an earlier post, I do not believe criticism is necessary at all (not on a personal level, anyway, as distinct from say critiquing someone's argument). If you have an opinion or a message to get through, it can be done in other ways.

Any time you critique anything you are dilivering criticism. "That is a beatifull dress" is still critisism albeit positive critisism. "You are ugly." is also critisism but it is negative and insulting.

So, how would you get the message across to your SO that something they are doing is being hurtfull to you without being critical/criticising them?

[Colette]

Any time you critique anything you are dilivering criticism. "That is a beatifull dress" is still critisism albeit positive critisism. "You are ugly." is also critisism but it is negative and insulting.

So, how would you get the message across to your SO that something they are doing is being hurtfull to you without being critical/criticising them?

By focusing on how what they are doing makes you feel, or affects you, rather than pointing the finger at them. Simple concept, but hard to do, apparently.

[Lucid]

I don't agree. As stated in an earlier post, I do not believe criticism is necessary at all (not on a personal level, anyway, as distinct from say critiquing someone's argument). If you have an opinion or a message to get through, it can be done in other ways.

Well the examples you gave of criticism, I would say, are certainly negative and hurtful and, I would say, damaging to both the relationship and to the person receiving the criticism.
However, "oops honey, that's our turn!" or saying in a kind way, "sweetie, I don't think those shoes are going to work for a formal dinner," are also criticism, but are neither hurtful nor damaging. Their intent is not to make the other person feel put down or inferior. I think you should qualify the kind of criticism you're talking about by calling it negative criticism. Otherwise I think you'll spend a lot of time on this thread arguing over the definition of criticism.
I'm not sure why anyone would stay with a partner who employed the kind of criticism of which you are speaking with any kind of regularity. I would say that speaking to someone in the way you describe is never excusable.

[Colette]

I'm not sure why anyone would stay with a partner who employed the kind of criticism of which you are speaking with any kind of regularity. I would say that speaking to someone in the way you describe is never excusable.

Yeah well I lived with one for 5 years. Sad, but true. Why did I stay? Who the hell knows? ;)

[thecraig]

By focusing on how what they are doing makes you feel, or affects you, rather than pointing the finger at them. Simple concept, but hard to do, apparently.

It would still be criticism. You would be critiqueing how THEY make you feel. For instance, "It makes me feel like you don't care about me when you say that." is still a criticicism.